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The /r/hockey Trade Deadline Game - Day 2 Thread

NOTE: This is FAKE HOCKEY. To talk about actual hockey, go to the latest Daily Discussion thread
Trade Deadline Tonight will continue TONIGHT!
The /hockey Trade Deadline Game is back for day 2! Starting today at 8:00 AM MT trading is officially open again. Trading will run until Thursday, January 30th at 6:00 PM MT.
You are not late! You can still sign up at http://www.tdgdb.com
When you are traded, change your flair on hockey-related subreddits and spend the week from January 31st through February 7th cheering for your new team.
Here are this year's reporters, the people who will make things up break news of trade negotiations:
But remember

NO TRADE IS OFFICIAL UNTIL POSTED IN THIS THREAD!

It's not too late to sign up to be a player The sign-up form is still active and will remain open until Wednesday night. You can find that here
For TDG-related shenanigans, go here [WARNING: some NSFW Language]
Happy trading!
coloradoavalanche receives xelrano from detroitredwings
detroitredwings receives illwill18 from coloradoavalanche
Detroit receives a 3 of the Rocky Mountains, Breckenridge Brewery.
Colorado receives Windsor Ontario.
coloradoavalanche receives Muckerofbin from edmontonoilers
coloradoavalanche receives SCwinningJultz from edmontonoilers
edmontonoilers receives asswaffle420 from coloradoavalanche
edmontonoilers receives CloutWaffle from coloradoavalanche
coloradoavalanche receive a used oil derrick, straight from the prairies.
canucks receives TheOlDickTwister from detroitredwings
canucks receives SevenStringGod from detroitredwings
detroitredwings receives JordanTheLobster from canucks
detroitredwings receives BlueLegs32 from canucks
Detroit receives Storm Brewery.
Vancouver receives the naming rights to Lake Superior
predators receives tonuch4963 from detroitredwings
detroitredwings receives TRed7894 from predators
Detroit receives Yazoo Brewery, and a choked on peanut.
Nashville receives the helmet from Robocop.
penguins receives thewinterzodiac from edmontonoilers
penguins receives nextfanatic from edmontonoilers
edmontonoilers receives DontPanic_4242 from penguins
edmontonoilers receives shirleyxx from penguins
penguins receive a barrel of the finest Albertan oil.
penguins receives StonedArcticPenguin from rangers
rangers receives ArchaicTriad from penguins
Pittsburgh Cheesesteak has been removed from the menu from Parmanti Bro's
anaheimducks receives Efficient-Sentence from winnipegjets
anaheimducks receives ItsaMe_Fish from winnipegjets
winnipegjets receives dunkan799 from anaheimducks
anaheimducks Front Office will have food delivered to the Front Office of Winnipegjets
stlouisblues receives otterHooligan from flyers
stlouisblues receives DelcoScum from flyers
stlouisblues receives agswanlek from flyers
flyers receives OtterInAustin from stlouisblues
flyers receives lawnicus18 from stlouisblues
flyers receives Rhymes_withOrange from stlouisblues
stlouisblues receives The Jacks NYB from Philadelphia in exchange for one hour alone with the Stanley Cup for Gritty.
rangers receives Asscheese124 from floridapanthers
rangers receives BearHands00 from floridapanthers
rangers receives MiamiDolphinsFan13 from floridapanthers
floridapanthers receives MentalCorruption from rangers
The New York Rangers also receive naming rights to the city of Miami, renaming it New Brooklyn, and naming rights to the Florida Keys, renaming them the Brooklyn Keys
flyers receives leadorlead from bluejackets
bluejackets receives puckcrisis11 from flyers
To bluejackets - a supply of Scrapple
To flyers - a gift card to La Crema in Hamilton
bluejackets receives NorthHighBears from coloradoavalanche
bluejackets receives RaiderGoalie from coloradoavalanche
bluejackets receives FuzzyTheKiller from coloradoavalanche
coloradoavalanche receives Highlander253 from bluejackets
coloradoavalanche receives HockeyHydralisk from bluejackets
Columbus Blue Jackets to receive a case of Marylands finest rot gut, DuClaw Brewery's Sweet Baby Jesus Chocolate Peanut Butter Porter.
Colorado Avalanche to receive assurances that HockeyHydralisk will shitpost memes at least twice, spending more than ten minutes in GIMP and not just making text on a white background.
detroitredwings receives docksmur from bluejackets
detroitredwings receives Demonox01 from bluejackets
bluejackets receives TheFlanderer from detroitredwings
bluejackets receives InSwedenWeTrust from detroitredwings
bluejackets may dress the Spirit of Detroit in a Blue Jackets jersey for one week
detroitredwings receives the Columbus Brewing Company
flyers receives Sulfoniclol from coloradoavalanche
flyers receives doodlescout from coloradoavalanche
coloradoavalanche receives TheGlaceon78 from flyers
coloradoavalanche receives wh1zzer from flyers
Colorado Avalanche to receive the township of Cherry Hill, NJ.
canes receives sneakytinkerspirits from canes
VGK receives a single In-n-Out fry. Not even animal style. Plain.
devils receives OhneBremse_OhneLicht from sanjosesharks
sanjosesharks receives woodbot96 from devils
sanjosesharks receives SnowyPuzzle from devils
sanjosesharks receives HopelessEsq from devils
sanjosesharks receives CTLepore from devils
hawks receives themagicman1343 from detroitredwings
detroitredwings receives Xenofon713 from hawks
detroitredwings receives Goose Island Brewery, but will still distribute to Chicago. hawks gets to rename 8 mile, 88 mile and a picture of Patrick Kane will be put on the sign.
hawks receives hockeyenthusiast from sanjosesharks
sanjosesharks receives NimihseeL from hawks
Chicago will send some cold weather to the Bay Area. The Sharks will use this to host the Blackhawks in the Winter Classic.
canes receives StephDoesntCamp from flyers
flyers receives SheepLovesFinns from canes
flyers receives SarahCiv from canes
flyers receives IAMA_Dumba55_Fan from canes
canes receives the Rocky statue and promises to teach Steph how to properly appreciate Rod the Bod
dallasstars receives kethryvis from sanjosesharks
sanjosesharks receives talkinmyface from dallasstars
sanjosesharks receives doihavetowearabra from dallasstars
Sharks receive three bags of hockey pucks.
detroitredwings receives OcelotWolf from sanjosesharks
sanjosesharks receives swim846 from detroitredwings
sanjosesharks receives GreatCanadian_ from detroitredwings
sanjosesharks receives ts1234666 from detroitredwings
Detroit receives ownership of the Hapas Brewing Company.
newyorkislanders receives Dildo_Baggins_6969 from hawks
newyorkislanders receives bwhyte1123 from hawks
hawks receives Deathwing_Dragonlord from newyorkislanders
hawks receives commsmatt from newyorkislanders
Isles to provide Hawks with Brooklyn pie.
Hawks to provide Isles with deep dish pizza.
detroitredwings receives CutLinkOfficial from rangers
rangers receives nik_mkay from detroitredwings
/detroitredwings get Genesee Brewing Company.
/rangers get to rename Dayton, MI to New New York, MI
devils receives osoblanco234 from goldenknights
devils receives Bigcheecho from goldenknights
devils receives rubix08 from goldenknights
devils receives mmowry98 from goldenknights
devils receives CapHillFlash from goldenknights
goldenknights receives JSav7 from devils
goldenknights receives timotomat0 from devils
goldenknights receives Pastatrees from devils
goldenknights receives Palmsfan21 from devils
goldenknights receives faze_chair from devils
New Jersey Devils acquire Bryce Harper's tears
Vegas Golden Knights acquire a Nikita Gusev Jersey
devils receives Hobpobkibblebob from tampabaylightning
tampabaylightning receives HeadHighSauce26 from devils
tampabaylightning receives diego-fuego from devils
TB receives: Louis Domingue NJ receives: some real Florida beach sand and a 12 pack of a Tampa Bay beer to be named later
canes receives Awab25 from hawks
hawks receives shadownet97 from canes
Canes will receive 1 pie from Pequod's.
leafs receives Cynova055 from bluejackets
bluejackets receives haIifax from leafs
To leafs - a signed LeBron James poster
To bluejackets - a Stan Rogers vinyl
coloradoavalanche receives ksheiny from newyorkislanders
coloradoavalanche receives zxpzflik from newyorkislanders
coloradoavalanche receives QuantumDrake from newyorkislanders
newyorkislanders receives littleneerd from coloradoavalanche
newyorkislanders receives bluestooge from coloradoavalanche
newyorkislanders receives usiakcameron from coloradoavalanche
/ColoradoAvalanche receive a cup holder stolen from the Barclays center
both teams sign a joint statement saying the Barclays Center sucks for hockey
rangers receives _RocketGrunt_ from coloradoavalanche
rangers receives stormylullabye from coloradoavalanche
rangers receives Thebush121 from coloradoavalanche
rangers receives taylorrae33 from coloradoavalanche
rangers receives camco105 from coloradoavalanche
coloradoavalanche receives MEGAMATTEOMAN from rangers
coloradoavalanche receives Robtachi from rangers
New York Rangers to receive New Mountain York.
detroitredwings receives guccigatana from newyorkislanders
newyorkislanders receives DeadWithMyFriends from detroitredwings
/NewYorkIslanders receive a girder from the old Joe Louis Arena
/DetroitRedWings receive the Southern Tier Brewing Company
tampabaylightning receives MooseKingdom from leafs
stlouisblues receives Ezflow from tampabaylightning
stlouisblues receives Bryce_Dead19 from tampabaylightning
stlouisblues receives Euroranger from stlouisblues
leafs receives Jimmers1231 from stlouisblues
leafs receives Bcakd5 from stlouisblues
bluejackets receives dylanr18 from bluejackets
bluejackets receives TheDanAplan from bluejackets
stlouisblues receives thecbjfan from bluejackets
leafs receives an official expression of gratitude from stlouisblues for Toronto's release of Tyler Bozak
hawks receives OleMissGoalie37 from coloradoavalanche
hawks receives HeelJopy from coloradoavalanche
hawks receives silentrenegade8 from coloradoavalanche
coloradoavalanche receives Bragisson from hawks
Chicago to receive Rhein Haus.
stlouisblues receives wingsfan64 from detroitredwings
detroitredwings receives ContrastingWords from stlouisblues
/detroitredwings receive 2 clydesdales
/stlouisblues receive 2 Fiats.
flyers receives WhoaItsAFactorial from losangeleskings
losangeleskings receives SplendaMan from flyers
losangeleskings receives crafbicycle from flyers
flyers receives a bag of Mike Richards finest nose candy
losangeleskings receives Gritty's dealer's phone number
losangeleskings receives kenlane from newyorkislanders
losangeleskings receives auniqueusername1001 from newyorkislanders
newyorkislanders receives Branzilla91 from losangeleskings
newyorkislanders receives WhyAreYouGey from losangeleskings
newyorkislanders receives trippy2219 from losangeleskings
/NewYorkIslanders receive a Pau Gasol jersey
/LosAngelesKings receive a jug of that good Brooklyn Water
flyers receives RealmoftheRedWiings from detroitredwings
flyers receives RedWingFan5 from detroitredwings
detroitredwings receives carp_boy from flyers
detroitredwings receives KFC_Gaming from flyers
/detroitredwings receive Yuengling Brewery
/flyers receive otters Kalee and Sparky from the Detroit Zoo
coyotes receives JimmyRadRad from tampabaylightning
coyotes receives sdubz11 from tampabaylightning
coyotes receives vinnyv91 from tampabaylightning
coyotes receives PinHill from tampabaylightning
tampabaylightning receives bonzaijoe from coyotes
TB receives: Some desert sand from Arizona + 1 live coyote
ARI receives: Some beach sand from Florida
predators receives m4xdc from coloradoavalanche
coloradoavalanche receives Forny008 from predators
Colorado Avalanche to receive Carrie "Carrie Underwood" Fisher at one home game.
Nashville Predators to receive two free Chevrolet Avalanches to smash as they see fit during the Stanley Cup Playoffs.
stlouisblues receives christinaann6 from penguins
penguins receives a promise that u/professorwhat won't make another edgy joke on stream
losangeleskings receives PhelpsTheory from canes
losangeleskings receives AStelthyNinja from canes
canes receives LABoston from losangeleskings
In addition, CAR receives a dozen Randy's donuts and a taco truck. LAK receives one storm surge wavier.
coloradoavalanche receives YouGot2BeKiddingMe from tampabaylightning
tampabaylightning receives feedfatso1607 from coloradoavalanche
tampabaylightning receives Leumas_lheir from coloradoavalanche
tampabaylightning receives putinsukraine from coloradoavalanche
tampabaylightning receives stubborn11 from coloradoavalanche
COL receives: A jar of lightning that can be controlled and used to kill enemies
TB receives: An avalanche machine that trigger an avalanche wherever I want, once
bluejackets receives Something_319 from stlouisblues
bluejackets receives Euroranger from stlouisblues
stlouisblues receives TheDanAplan from bluejackets
stlouisblues receives dylanr18 from bluejackets
stlouisblues receives the entire The Drew Carey Show on Blu-Ray.
bluejackets receive the body of General William T. Sherman. At last reunited with Grant, acquired in an earlier trade, Ohio's great God-Kings shall be reinterred beneath Nationwide Arena, henceforth to watch over this city, this state, and this hockey team in eternal glory.
sabres receives TheConeOfShame805 from penguins
penguins receives NumberJ5 from sabres
sabres receives the Monongahela River and a grilled cheese sandwhich that the Penguins promise is actually a Philly cheesesteak
penguins also gives NumberJ5 his own personal bidet
goldenknights receives needuhlife19 from detroitredwings
goldenknights receives D3troiit from detroitredwings
detroitredwings receives cookbacondrunknaked from goldenknights
/detroitredwings receive Ellis Island Hotel Casino & Brewery.
/goldenknights receive Tom Selleck's mustache
bluejackets receives Sh1eldbearer from detroitredwings
goldenknights receives RCX42 from bluejackets
Vegas acquires some Lake Effect from Columbus to help pond hockey in the desert
tampabaylightning receives bay_sports from sanjosesharks
tampabaylightning receives DontSayNoToPills from sanjosesharks
sanjosesharks receives bonzaijoe from tampabaylightning
sanjosesharks receives XanoJester from tampabaylightning
devils receives Troub313 from detroitredwings
detroitredwings receives Flowseidon9 from devils
detroitredwings receives corso923 from devils
/detroitredwings receive the Anheuser-Busch facility located in Newark.
sanjosesharks receives adam3vergreen from bluejackets
bluejackets receives sjs48 from sanjosesharks
bluejackets receives eggs-dee123 from sanjosesharks
caps receives brycer16 from flyers
caps receives AgelessWonder67 from flyers
caps receives FlackBox from flyers
flyers receives koalabear9301 from caps
flyers receives NotShibs from caps
flyers receives _Ghost8_ from caps
Philadelphia sends Jeff Francoeur to DC.
habs receives MOLightningBro from tampabaylightning
habs receives RandomBoltsFan from tampabaylightning
tampabaylightning receives Davel_Patsyuk from habs
tampabaylightning receives christiv7 from habs
tampabaylightning receives Lander-V from habs
MTL receives: A meeting with the Yakuza
TB receives: The best poutine Quebec has to offer
habs receives spyingformontreal from detroitredwings
detroitredwings receives Notopdelta from habs
/detroitredwings receive Molson Coors Brewing Company.
/Habs receive an unreleased Eminem mixtape
devils receives hnglmkrnglbrry from bluejackets
bluejackets receives summervacationtoHoth from devils
bluejackets receives Danny_Devitos_Bitch from devils
bluejackets receives kingofthediamond from devils
bluejackets receives 4Bars_BlackFlag from devils
bluejackets receives Cyrus_Voltaire from devils
bluejackets receives Future Considerations and Snookie from devils
bluejackets acknowledges and endorses the Devils' famous Christmas Whites as the best in the Tri-State Area.
habs receives Angry_Walnut from goldenknights
goldenknights receives Instantcurry from habs
goldenknights receives killerb54 from habs
Vegas acquires Paccioretty's C
Montreal acquires Paccioretty's A
flyers receives JakeTheSnake0709 from edmontonoilers
edmontonoilers receives NippleDickPussyBhole from flyers
flyers receives the Walterdale Bridge EdmontonOilers receive the opportunity to lick the Liberty Bell
caps receives Xenofon713 from detroitredwings
detroitredwings receives NKilmer6 from caps
/detroitredwings receive a bag of prison booze from The Central Detention Facility
sanjosesharks receives Softestpoop from edmontonoilers
edmontonoilers receives infamousgenitals from sanjosesharks
edmontonoilers receives thegreatmomo14 from sanjosesharks
penguins receives ProjectPsion from bluejackets
penguins receives TheStigofKentucky from bluejackets
penguins receives Zebra_dan from bluejackets
bluejackets receives PenguinPride87 from penguins
bluejackets receives knucklepuck17 from penguins
bluejackets admits the Pirates will win another title before the Browns will
caps receives thatgoodmojo from detroitredwings
detroitredwings receives Xenofon713 from caps
/detroitredwings will be holding a press conference soon to honor Xenofon713 for coming back home...for good this time.
flyers receives safetide from losangeleskings
losangeleskings receives cdl5060 from flyers
flyers also receives a meeting with Snoop Dogg to explain what otters are to him
sanjosesharks receives plantedgreenfern from caps
sanjosesharks receives Roust_McGoust from caps
sanjosesharks receives SaxIsMyAxe1_ from caps
sanjosesharks receives Fireball827 from caps
sanjosesharks receives hokierange from caps
caps receives Sainthops from sanjosesharks
caps receives pachicola from sanjosesharks
caps receives bunnymcfoo from sanjosesharks
caps receives SurprisedCarlos from sanjosesharks
winnipegjets receives NarcoticTurkey from habs
habs receives finnishjetter from winnipegjets
Habs receive protection from finnishjetter sabotaging our hockey survivor plans for 2020
winnipegjets receives Spitfyre434 from sanjosesharks
winnipegjets receives lackingspoon from sanjosesharks
sanjosesharks receives TrueNorthStrong1898 from winnipegjets
The Winnipeg Jets officially acknowledge that Northern California is better than Southern California.
winnipegjets receives Fixmy59bug from goldenknights
winnipegjets receives Hektorpascal from goldenknights
goldenknights receives biga204 from winnipegjets
goldenknights receives Kudgar from winnipegjets
stlouisblues receives Whydoesthisexist15 from canes
stlouisblues receives gene_scallop from canes
stlouisblues receives waltstrika from canes
stlouisblues receives canesfan556 from canes
stlouisblues receives fogger794 from canes
canes receives PM_Me_Things_Yo_Like from stlouisblues
canes receives TechDawg20 from stlouisblues
canes receives JazzPolice13 from stlouisblues
canes receives M_Shepard_89 from stlouisblues
canes receives jsmu2016 from stlouisblues
canes receives a buffet tray of T-Ravs, stlouisblues receives the Section 328 Podcast.
canucks receives DeathToHeretics from caps
hawks receives ainzooalg0wn from caps
caps receives thelaineranger from canucks
hawks receives jlennox__ from canucks
caps receives younggun92 from hawks
caps receives jamaicancovfefe from hawks
To Chicago: A pizza from We The Pizza (Toppings to be decided at a later date)
To DeathToHeretics: A Chicago Dog and Chicago Deep Dish Pizza to be taken with him to Vancouver
canucks receives ChronicBitRot from hawks
canucks receives ThirdTimesAnAlt from hawks
canucks receives SpeedyDolphin42 from hawks
hawks receives mephnick from canucks
winnipegjets receives darnfox from detroitredwings
winnipegjets receives akschreibs from detroitredwings
detroitredwings receives PuckTheFreds from winnipegjets
/detroitredwings receive Half Pints Brewing Co.
/winnipegjets receive lockers from Joe Louis Arena, to be used as the overhead compartments
canucks receives jmorga33 from bluejackets
bluejackets receives offline_dude19 from canucks
canucks receives a bag of pucks from bluejackets , and promises to take them down to Seattle and use them to break Starbucks windows
losangeleskings receives sweetstrife from bluejackets
bluejackets receives Mootux from losangeleskings
bluejackets receives im_turning_into_moss from losangeleskings
bluejackets receives Bhelliom from losangeleskings
bluejackets receives Boii1209 from losangeleskings
bluejackets receives WorldRallyBlues from losangeleskings
The Rainbow Bar and Grill moved to Columbus. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame moved to Los Angeles. Harvey Weinstein lifetime banned from entering Ohio.
/sabres receives Mercpool87 from /penguins
/sabres receives DL757 from /penguins
/sabres receives armagev17 from /penguins
/penguins receives shadowzeak from /sabres
/penguins receives Uncle_Gazpacho from /sabres
penguins receives the city of Buffalo, and the Buffalo Bisons u/armagev17 receives a full NTC
hawks receives spicy-succ from newyorkislanders
hawks receives PracticallyCanadian7 from newyorkislanders
newyorkislanders receives IAmQueensBlvd31 from hawks
/NewYorkIslanders receive courtiebabe420's old Jay Cutler jersey
/Hawks receive TheBossJarhead's old John Tavares jersey
penguins receives cgreen727 from coyotes
coyotes receives BoBandy35 from penguins
coyotes receives TheStigofKentucky from penguins
coyotes receives brendan0305 from penguins
coyotes get Phil Kessel's old house for u/bonzaijoe
penguins get an old Phil Kessel hotdog wrapper for u/armagev17
coloradoavalanche receives Freaaak55 from sanjosesharks
sanjosesharks receives SlipperyInNet from coloradoavalanche
goldenknights receives AnAngryAnimal from wildhockey
goldenknights receives CommanderCorndog from wildhockey
wildhockey receives moosepile from goldenknights
Minnesota sends Mild hot sauce to Vegas. Vegas issues a written apology for having done it to GMCF so hard in the expansion draft
flyers receives pelliffe11 from devils
devils receives MrMeSeeds from flyers
Flyers also receive Apple Watch to log "fitness"
canucks receives thronelol from caps
canucks receives mataleon07 from caps
canucks receives camelCaseNoob from caps
caps receives IGotThisFromEbay from canucks
caps receives Crazymoney74 from canucks
caps receives spacppl from canucks
caps receives flyingsub from canucks
caps receives BraqAttack from canucks
bluejackets receives FewWatermelonlesson7 from wildhockey
wildhockey receives AntiPrince from bluejackets
Minnesota admits that they are not, in fact, Canadian. The Blue Jackets admit that the Cleveland Indians ownership is dumb and stupid.
goldenknights receives svartkonst from dallasstars
goldenknights receives scoutcjustice from dallasstars
goldenknights receives FuckItHaveAnUpvote from dallasstars
dallasstars receives Sumdood88 from goldenknights
And a promise to get Drokeep out of Philly
detroitredwings receives quantumking_ from wildhockey
detroitredwings receives Zushenko from wildhockey
wildhockey receives Detonation from detroitredwings
DET acquires: Burning Brothers Brewery
MIN acquires: 5 lbs of mackinac fudge
sabres receives TurtleWithATail from canucks
sabres receives MirandaGemini from canucks
canucks receives KEWLCactus from sabres
Vancouver receives both the American and Canadian sides of Niagara Falls.
Buffalo receives 2000 lbs of salmon (wild) and the rights to Seattle as a rival.
losangeleskings receives wyattgbert from detroitredwings
detroitredwings receives Arelfel from losangeleskings
/detroitredwings receive Angel City Brewery
/losangeleskings receive a random parking lot attendant
penguins receives Dragarien from detroitredwings
penguins receives drock21023 from detroitredwings
detroitredwings receives byfugWIN from penguins
/detroitredwings receive Croakers Brewing
/penguins receive an old concession stand from Joe Louis Arena
detroitredwings receives Gamogi from edmontonoilers
detroitredwings receives LLbnjt99 from edmontonoilers
detroitredwings receives rdayrien from edmontonoilers
detroitredwings receives saltydingus from edmontonoilers
edmontonoilers receives Ohgodwhatisthisidont from detroitredwings
edmontonoilers receives iFuktUrMom from detroitredwings
edmontonoilers receives BylerTertuzzi from detroitredwings
detroitredwings receives the Alley Kat Brewing Company.
habs receives NontransferableApe from bluejackets
bluejackets receives Toaster_Coaster from habs
bluejackets receives gryff_ from habs
hawks receives BoltsGoalieGirl from tampabaylightning
hawks receives DoinWhale from tampabaylightning
hawks receives xW52 from tampabaylightning
hawks receives KatWantsToBattle from tampabaylightning
hawks receives J_Mark13 from tampabaylightning
tampabaylightning receives GRAIN_DIV_20 from hawks
tampabaylightning receives drmatt19 from hawks
tampabaylightning receives freezend from hawks
tampabaylightning receives burtsreynoldswrap from hawks
tampabaylightning receives keister_TM from hawks
TB receives: The best Chicago deep dish pizza for the staff + a shipment of Old Style
CHI receives: The best Cuban subs for the staff + a shipment of Yuengling
dallasstars receives Drokeep from flyers
flyers receives Sumdood88 from dallasstars
goldenknights agrees to renounce all present and future claims to Bryce Harper
dallasstars recieves Chance the Gila Monster from Vegas
tampabaylightning receives CluelessNuggetOfGold from detroitredwings
tampabaylightning receives canbehazardous from detroitredwings
tampabaylightning receives DarkRitNighthawk from detroitredwings
tampabaylightning receives SlenderSpenser from detroitredwings
tampabaylightning receives Datsyuk1998 from detroitredwings
detroitredwings receives westofvenus from tampabaylightning
detroitredwings receives SuperSniper4 from tampabaylightning
detroitredwings receives deeyaz from tampabaylightning
/detroitredwings receives Cigar City Brewing
/tampabaylightning receies a C8 Corvette in blue and a case of Vernors
goldenknights receives obelisk29 from tampabaylightning
goldenknights receives cm17cm17 from tampabaylightning
goldenknights receives MrTubzy from tampabaylightning
goldenknights receives justincase_2008 from tampabaylightning
goldenknights receives lorenzovonmaterhorn from tampabaylightning
tampabaylightning receives GhostlyPixel from goldenknights
tampabaylightning receives Hollywood_Zro from goldenknights
tampabaylightning receives WoomyNgyes from goldenknights
tampabaylightning receives Byers346 from goldenknights
tampabaylightning receives KelaSaar from goldenknights
TB receives: Tickets to a Vegas show to be named later
VGK receives: Future Considerations
submitted by DeadlineCommish to hockey [link] [comments]

Fall of Cleveland 5 - Uni the Unicorn pt2 (2/2) by Giant Neckbeard

Link to part 1
You're a Dirty-Grey Earth Fluffy with an even dirtier Black mane and tail, walking as fast as you can to the north, part of a massive Herd that stretches as far back as you can see and beyond.
Back when you were part of your Original Herd, you were called Dirt, because no matter what you did or how many times you jumped in the Water Holes, your Fluff seemed to attract dirt all on it's own. Now you're just 'Fwuffie', like everyone else.
Across the highway is another, equally massive Herd, full of Meanie Fluffies who say that Uni loves them more.
You'd go over and give them owies, but the Desert Fluffies know that Biggest Meanest Monsters come roaring down the highway frequently, so it's best to conserve your strength for the day when the Meanie Herd is being incredibly Mean.
As a Desert Fluffy, you know the surrounding regions quite well, but you've never had an adventure like this before
Follow the Black Hard Thing that Hoomins call the 'Highway', always follow it, never leave to follow down the smaller Black Hard Things, because they do not go 'North'. Find the Water Holes and have to stop Fluffies from pushing each other in.
Have to force them to wait for their turn, and then have to make those who have had their fill of water keep moving. And with so many Fluffies, thousands of them, it's hard to make them stop fighting.
The last water-hole, there was barely any water for the last few Fluffies, just very dirty water that they cried over, but drank anyways, because they were so hot and thirsty.
These Cee-Tee Fluffies are real pains in your Poopie Place. They never work together like your Herd used to.
And there's barely enough food for everyone now. Have to beat the Fluffies who try to eat everything, they are supposed to only have a mouthful of something and move on, so those behind them can eat too.
You have had to beat a lot of Fluffies to get them to understand that if they eat all the nummies, then their friends behind them will have none.
Then you had to keep driving them on when they tried to turn back and 'Gif Sowwy Huggies!' to their 'Fwiends'.
Have to stay on your side of the road too, as there's a Mean Herd just as big on the other side, eating all the shrubs and grass and shouting that they love Uni more than you do.
Want to fight the Mean Herd to prove you love Uni the most, but can't, Fluffies need to keep moving and go 'North' as fast as they can, and if you waste time fighting, then Uni might pick somebody else as her One True Special Friend.
Fluffies whimper, some cry about being hot, about their hooves hurting, about wanting nummies, but nobody stops. Uni is waiting, at a magical place...
Fluffies walk till it's too hot, then try to find shade to wait out the hottest part of the day.
Some of the Herd's Cee-Tee Stallions say they have been walking for many turnings of the Sun, from a place full of Hoomins and Fluffies and Grass and Water, and it makes your head spin that they would abandon such a paradise.
There's nothing out here but the blistering hot sun, the cruel, burning sand and small shrubs and patches of hard, bitter grass.
And Snake-Munsta and Bug-Munstas and... well, there's a lot of Munstas.
Until She came along, you despaired of ever finding a way out of this hellhole.
Uni... just remembering her makes your heart swell with longing, and you find the strength to push onwards just a little bit more.
"Too wamm!" A Stallion near the front of the Herd shouts. He's right, the Sun is climbing so high it's nearly overhead
Fluffies walk down into the bad-lands, and here is where you and you can help these 'Cee-Tee' Fluffies find shelter.
It's hard, there's more Fluffies than you can count, stretching back farther than you can see, but you try. Fluffy Mammas and Foals get the best shade, because they are the most vulnerable, then Mares, then Stallions.
Everyone is so hot, fluff is bad when Fluffies get this hot, so everyone pants through their mouths to try and make the 'Wamm Bad Feww' to leave their bodies.
Fluffies are warned about the Bug-Munstas and the Snake-Munstas, but some don't understand, or are too mean, and push into the rocks, looking for shelter.
Hear them scream as the Munstas sting them. Fluffies flop about, howling and pooping and shrieking as the Bad Bites make them spit boo-boo juices and turn ugly colors.
Fluffies cram in under shrubs, behind tall rocks, anywhere there is shade, and pant, flicking their tails and twitching their ears to try and make the Fly-Not-Friends who plague them go away.
On the other side of the road, the Other Fluffies are shouting in dismay, apparently several of their Herd tried to take shelter behind a Prickly Green Plant, and got bad owies from the thin needles that cover it.
Good. Don't like that Herd that is leading that mob of Cee-Tee Fluffies.
Made it impossible for you to be with Uni. Were naughty, so Uni's Hoomins pulled you all away.
You sigh and close your eyes, remembering how soft her fluff felt against your body, as the sun climbs higher into the sky, and the shade the Fluffies hide under shrinks
"Yuu weft dem awone! Wun away to chase Uni! Why yuu weave yuu Hewd to chase Uni! Bad Fwuffies! Hewds wuv yuu, an' yuu wun away!"
Whimper and try to forget the memory of Uni being so very angry with you. It's not your fault! She just... you think of Uni, and then your Mares, but there's just no comparison at all. Your Mares were small and scrawny and dirty, their ears ragged, their fluff full of dust and burrs.
Touching Uni was like... you don't know the words to describe it. It was like every good thing you ever wanted, and so many good things you never knew existed, all at once.
Soft, clean, warm, pretty, good feels, nice smells
You sigh and try to block out the sounds of Fluffy Ponies complaining loudly, pushing and shoving each other as the shade shrinks and shrinks, forcing the hot, unhappy Fluffies ever closer together.
But Uni is going 'North'.
And you will follow her to the ends of the Land, you said so.
You promised.
*********************************************************************
Well. Las Vegas...certainly more than you ever expected.
Spent a week and a half here, doing 'adverts' for various businesses that think appealing to Fluffy Pony Owners is a sound business decision.
Uni's getting the work out of her life here.
Fluffies are brought out to meet her by their owners, get hugs, and 'help' with the adverts.
Done everything from garages trying to sell fuel and repairs to specialty stores selling 'all natural' Fluffy Chow and even a Fluffy Pimp.
Seriously?
Don't think that one is going to see air-time.
The three mares were quite beautiful and were wearing makeup, with ribbons tied through their manes.
"How much yuu chawge?" They asked you, scowling at 'Uni'.
That was surprising. Uni was designed to be adorable by Fluffy Pony standards, until you twigged that they saw Uni as a 'rival' for business.
Only reason they weren't attacking was your size, otherwise you're sure that 'Uni' would have been showered with 'Sowwy Poopies!'
Regardless, you're a professional, do the shoot, then BUG THE HELL OUTTA THERE.
Prosti-Fluffies shouting at Pip and Eddy they can 'haf one on da howse!'
Nononononono....
Second-to-last Advert Shoot is in a Casino.
Seriously? SERIOUSLY?
Well at least there'll be AC. Feel like a steamed dumpling at this stage.
Whoever came up with the concept of a Latex Suit never worked in a desert, you're sure.
'Uni' is given some chips, 'plays' some of the games and 'wins' bowls of Spaghetti.
Big, heaped bowls of Spaghetti.
Oh God.
*********************************************************************
Set six weeks later
Be Natasha Goodaluv, again, and watch with bemusement as Eddy and Pip go out to meet the Fluffy Ponies and the Cows.
Some wit decided to stuff a Feral herd with Bovine Hormones, and started to bottle Fluffy Pony Milk. Without the addition of specific foods, the milk has a tendency to have a very starchy taste, but with all the sweet, well-watered grass and high-sucrose fodder the Farmer feeds them, the milk is almost sickeningly sugary.
Had a glass, can barely stand still. No wonder the little fluff-balls are so hyperactive if this is what they grow up on.
Sammy has bought twelve bottles of the damn stuff. Swears it'll be better for everyone than the redbull they're going through. Might be healthier, but for fuck's sake, you feel like you're vibrating right now from the sugar-high.
Oh God, the Mares in the fields have finally noticed Eddy and Pip are 'Stallions'.
This ought to be good. Eddy is 'interviewing' the Mares, while Pip is having a natter with the Farmer who originally came up with the concept of Bottled Fluffy Milk, a scattering of Fillies and young Mares following in his wake and giggling loudly.
In the fields outside the "Dairy Farmers of America" buildings, taking a well-earned break from the Uni-Suit as the madness starts.
"Yuu big Fwuffy! Yuu haf Hewd?" The 'Smarty Friend' of this all-female Herd asks loudly, grinning at Eddy.
Well, leering, but still...
"Eddy haf Hewd wit' Wittle Brudda Pip and Wittle Sistah Uni." Eddy rumbles at the Mares, who all squeak and squeal in delight.
Seriously, did they have to build the suit so Eddy sounded like that? You understand the marketing pitch, to make Eddy sound as big and authoritative as possible to make him popular with Earth Fluffy Ponies, but this is just ridiculous.
"Wan join mah Hewd?" The Smarty Mare shouts eagerly, tail lifted into the air and waving back and forth.
If you were closer, you'd bet you could smell the hormones flooding off her right now.
Combination of a lack of males, rich food, constant hormone injections to make her produce milk all the time, and that has to be one ripe little Fluffy out there trying to be sexy as all hell.
"For the record, if you two fuckers pop the suit's boner out there, I WILL beat you to death with your own fucking limbs." You hear the Director mutter into his head-set, and stifle the urge to giggle.
"An yuu is nice Hoomin who gif miwk to Fwuffies at home?" Pip squeaks to the Farmer, who grins and nods, obviously only just resisting the urge to burst out laughing.
Yes, the whole situation is absurd, just deal with it.
"Aaaaah, yep, I started bottling Fluffy Ponies milk a few years ago when they wandered onto my property, thought there might be a market." The aging, balding man snorts and grins as he watches 'Eddy' desperately trying to outrun the Mares, who had all latched on to his belly fluff, squirming and wriggling.
"WOOOOOOO!" You hear one Mare squeal in delight. Shit. SWAG has been launched...
Director is making choking noises, and you swear you can hear the coffee mug in his hands cracking as his knuckles turn white.
"Oh my God... well, uh, focusing on the milk again..." The Farmer makes an half-muffled snort of laughter as Pip and he walk away from the train-wreck of Eddy and the Mares. "The milk is bottled and treated on my farm, filled with all the good things Fluffy Ponies need, and then sold all over the country. There's Fluffy Milk for Foals, Fluffy Milk for Adults, Fluffy Milk for the Elderly Fluffies. Hell, I even pasteurize some for people too."
"Yaaaaay! Nice Hoomin get Fwuffie Miwk fo' evewy Fwuffie an' dere Mummies an' Daddies!" Pip 'cheers', dancing from hoof to hoof, his wings flapping 'eagerly'.
The Mares who followed pip also start dancing, delighted.
"Yuu is Guud Fwuffies who make Miwk fo' otha Fwuffies!" Pip tells them, 'smiling' at them. "Yuu is wunnerful! Yuu is Best Fwuffies!"
Mare cling to Pip's fluff and shout they love him, that they think he's 'wunnerful' too.
Eddy has fallen over with much cursing, sending Fluffy Ponies flying.
They rushed over to ask if he was okay, then saw the SWAG just lying there. Fluffy Mares all crowd around, rubbing their back-ends on the exposed shaft, giggling and cooing, even as their Smarty Friend tries to back into the damn thing.
"Nnnnnngh! So Big! Fwuffy gun' haf Best Speshaw Huggies!" She shouts loudly, grinding back as hard as she can, her face contorting hilariously as she tries to push all 2 feet of flanged latex horse wang into her tiny body.
That does it. Everyone bursts into laughter or starts wolf-whistling.
"Oh for the love of... FROM THE TOP!" The Director yells, rubbing at his temples.
Time till Spaghetti Land in Cleveland, Ohi opens ... 6 weeks
*********************************************************************
4 Weeks till Spaghetti Land in Cleveland, Ohio opens.
Kansas City. By All The Gods, so many adverts.
Uni's getting more mileage than you thought possible. Much as you hate to admit it, the suit is incredible to hold up under this constant 'abuse' without the mechanisms failing.
Doing a shoot at the St. Louis Arch, with the other two Suits.
Redo of the 'Journey' song. Seems that Fluffies absolutely adore it.
Apparently Las Vegas has had a surge of customers, with Fluffies in tow, and made a killing.
Customers can either take their winnings or have free all-you-can-eat buffets for themselves and their Fluffy Ponies for a week.
Naturally, people try to take the money, but the Fluffy ponies break down into tears, and the owners either boot the Fluffy, try to make it understand or give in to the guilt.
The other thing that's surprising is there's close to a million Fluffy ponies following in your wake.
Jesus enfing Christ. There's so many of them following the Freeway from Hollywood to Cleveland that satellites can pick them up.
They're only just reaching Las Vegas now, according to the News Reports, a sprawling two-part Herd that shambles on morning and night, leaving a trail of weak or dead Fluffy Ponies in their wake.
"We fowwowin' Uni!" One Fluffy Pony said on National Television, making the entire cast spit their coffee out in horror. "We fowwow Uni fow'evah! We wuv Uni!... I wuv Uni mowst dou...."
Cue the Feral Fluffies going into a screaming free-for-all as the Stallions jumped on the Smarty Friend, shouting that they themselves 'wuved' Uni more than anyone!
Any complaints to the show get funneled down the line to the your Mystery Asshole Boss. Hope the bastard's ears are melting off from the enraged Fluffy Pony Owners whose babies have run away to follow their Idol.
And there's scores of abusers out there attacking the herds, but apparently there were so many that a couple of flat-bed trucks actually went out of control when their wheels locked up with Fluff, and tipped over, crushing their inhabitants, who got 'Owie-Fixin'-Hugs' to make it all better.
And promptly suffocated under thousands of Fluffies trying to fix their 'boo-boos'.
Karma at work, ladies and gentlemen. You thought to yourself as you watched the police pry the Fluffy ponies off the corpses.
Las Vegas City Council apparently decided that it was a fantastic attention-getter, and has 'helped' the Fluffy Ponies by diverting them down the main 'strip' of road leading through town and blocking off the alleyways and side-streets.
Show-Girls are holding signs saying "Uni went that way!" instead of working the tables, or under them.
Lying bastards. They're just eager to see the Ferals leave, and possibly make their own Feral Fluffy Pony population disappear in the process.
Fuck you can only imagine what the Ferals have had to go through .....
*********************************************************************
You hold up your son to the sky... and weep bitter, bitter tears. The tears wash down into your dirty fluff, leaving two clean trails on your cheeks as the foal remains cold and stiff, despite your attempts to warm it with the morning sun.
The mare you had befriended on the way died, leaving you to look after the last of the babies you had given her one night when you couldn't stand the Hot-Naughty-Feels pulsing through you.
Brandy died because the Mean Herd snuck across the road and ate all the nummies, marching all night long while your herd slept.
Your herd kept following their side of the road, too afraid of the Munstas to cross the highway, too determined to stop and seek food further from the highway's edge.
Three days without food, and barely any water, and eventually she was too weak to move.
Babies had been without milk for two days when the first, your daughter Gust, fell off her Mother's back and wouldn't get up.
You and Brandy cried over her body so much, then left the Herd to take her and put her under a bush, where she could rest.
You both knew she was dead, but it made it easier to go on if you pretended she was just sleeping.
Then your son Brambles began to fall ill, and you tried everything you could think of to make him better.
Hugs, half-chewed grass, some sweet berries you found and brought back for him to suck on, nothing worked.
Bandy kept on telling you she was sorry, she was a "Bad Fwuffy Mumma". Told her she was the "Best Fwuffy Mumma evah, it not her fault if Meanie Hewd steaw nummies."
Brandy didn't move the next day, still and cold even with you hugging her through the night, your son snuggled between you both, wheezing in his sleep.
Now, he's dead. He's dead. HE'S DEAD. You feel so hollow and empty inside as you bring his body down, staring at it and fighting the urge to break down and will yourself to join your family in death.
You made a promise, not just to Uni, but to your mare and your babies that they would see Uni once again.
Your heart breaks, being a Fluffy Daddy was so... so fulfilling! It made every day wonderful to be alive, to know your babies were waiting for you to play with them, teach them to be good Fluffies.
You told them about Uni, the biggest, most beautiful (after their mumma) and most magical unicorn Fluffy who was leading Fluffies to a magical place.
Fluffies who joined you from the Cee-Tees said it was 'Sketti Wand', a place of endless Spaghetti, where Fluffies could play all day with nice hoomins who loved them, ride on toys made just for Fluffies, even find homes for themselves with the nice hoomins.
How the babies' eyes lit up when they heard that, how your mare sighed happily, all their hunger and pain forgotten for a few blissful moments.
Now... you have but one child left. A small, pale brown fillie with a shockingly bright-red mane and tail. Brandy the Second.
She's the only one that has managed to hold on to life, the only one that didn't fall sick from the lack of nummies, even though you can feel her ribs clearly when you give her huggies.
She's sitting there, dry-eyed and staring at her brother, her face inscrutable.
"Baybeh... we aww dat weft of famiwy." You whisper to her, placing your boy reverently down under a bush, tears still falling from your eyes.
"Fwuffie know. Fwuffie miss Mumma, miss Sissy, Miss Brudda." She whispers back, closing her eyes and sighing, sounding so much older than her single week of life could possibly suggest. "Buh we goin', Daddy? We goin' to see Uni, yes?"
Sigh and sob and laugh all at the same time, and let her climb up onto your back.
"Yes, Baybeh, we gon' see Uni. Daddy pwomise, an' Mumma wan' hew baybehs see Uni too, pway with Uni and eats wots of Sketti." You whisper to her as you shuffle off to rejoin the Herd, leaving your son to 'Sleep' alongside his mother under a prickly bush that will keep the Munstas from hurting them further.
As evening falls, you are all but falling over from weariness, but your daughter has had some nummies, where a nice hoomin had pulled up in a Fast Box Munsta and was distributing water and sweet nummies to the Fluffies.
"You keep going, you brave little things." She said, her face all wrinkled, smiling down at you as she handed out buttered peanut-butter-jelly sandwiches, which the herd dutifully broke down into bite-sized pieces, ate their share, and shuffled on after hugging the nice hoomin's ankles.
There's a lot of nice hoomins coming out now, saying they love Fluffy Ponies, want to see them make it to Sketti Wand.
Without them, you'd be dead by now, you're sure.
Some have Fluffies living with them in their Moving Safe Places, who cheer at you as well, saying they are going on ahead, and will be waiting for you at 'Sketti Wand'.
It's later that evening when you find the first of the Mean Herd, broken and bleeding, screaming about "Bad hoomins who gif huwties!"
They are quickly given Biggest Owies, and their bodies are rolled away from the road so that the Foals don't see them. They are evil fluffies who stole your nummies, and want to be special friends with Uni.
You once wanted to be like that. To make Uni your Special Friend, and yours alone.
Brandy changed that. Brandy filled your heart in ways that Uni never did.
You still love Uni, but Brandy will always live in your heart. You want to find Uni still, but so that she can teach your daughter to be a Good Fluffy too.
TO BE CONCLUDED.....
submitted by SkettiFamine to fluffycommunity [link] [comments]

What happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas

I’ve made a terrible mistake. I’m normally one of those ‘oh let’s play it safe at all times’ kind of women, but not this time. I think I messed up big time.
I used to be your average ‘Plain Jane.’ I worked at an average desk job, making an average income, in an average town. I was very much a loner with no friends of family to speak of, so I was very surprised a few weeks ago when the ladies at work asked me if I wanted to go on a week-long trip to Las Vegas with them. We had always been cordial and polite, but I wasn’t ever invited to the weekly book club meetings, or the occasional Friday lunch at Red Lobster. I always blamed the age gap; I was early 30’s while they were well into their 50’s. Deep down I knew that it was because of my standoffish demeanor, and possibly my lack of personality.
Normally I would have politely declined, throwing out some random excuse like, “I don’t have any vacation time left,” or “I don’t have anyone to cat-sit for me on such short notice.” My acceptance of their invitation was out of my mouth before I’d even realized I’d said yes. There was an immediate chaos as a whirlwind of women practically carried me back to my desk, my ears full of excited chatter about how much fun this was going to be.
1 hour and a maxed out credit card later, I was booked for 8 days and 7 nights of fun in the sun in the City of Lights. I was a little anxious about rooming with Claire, a woman I barely knew, but I figured a little anxiety was worth getting out of my comfort zone for a week. This would be good for me. I needed this, I reminded myself.
The few weeks leading up to the trip flew by. Before I knew it, I was standing in the lobby of Treasure Island collecting my room key. The ladies from the office were very kind, and included me in every stop on their daily itinerary. Go to this casino this day, see that show that day, eat at this buffet, back to the casino where everyone won a few dollars, etc. Claire and I bonded over night time facial creams and Forensic Files the second night of our stay as we crawled into our beds at 3:30am. The trip was turning out to be a success in my eyes. It was a little overwhelming at times, but I was finally making friends. A grown adult should have friends that don’t walk on four legs and have a tail.
The third day of our trip was the day that changed everything. I wasn’t feeling very well from the heat and lack of sleep, so I decided to stay at the hotel for the day and take advantage of the pool. I laid there on a lounge chair underneath a thick layer of sunscreen when I heard “Oh, shit!” followed by ice cold liquid splashing across my legs. I jumped up quickly, only to have my eyes land on a perfectly average looking man.
“I’m so sorry,” he said hurriedly as he dabbed my legs with his towel. “I was looking off to the side, and tripped on your chair, and well the rest you already know.”
“It’s fine, it’s okay,” I said, using my own towel to soak up the rest of his drink that sprinkled itself across my thighs. I could feel my cheeks burning red with embarrassment, “I should have pulled my chair back further. I was in your way.”
He settled down into the chair next to mine, extending his right hand out, “I’m Paul.”
We spent every waking minute together for the next 3 days and 3 nights. He was everything that I didn’t know I’d wanted in a man. Funny, but not hilarious. Charming, but not cocky. Attractive, but not Tom Cruise handsome. We gambled, ate amazing cuisine, and made love. He laughed when I showed him my terrible Rocky Balboa impersonation, and I stayed up an extra ten minutes each night to watch him sleep. There’s something to be said about watching someone sleep. That’s when they’re at their most vulnerable state, so innocent and peaceful.
Our last day together was upon us before we knew it. He seemed as bummed out as I felt about having to say goodbye.
“Fly out to Florida to see me, Linds,” he suggested as I slowly packed my suitcase.
“I would love to, I really would. I just, I have to work, Paul.”
“Next week. I’ll book you a ticket right now,” he said while pulling my laptop into his lap. His fingers immediately blazed across my keyboard. This was something I’d come to realize in the last few days about him. He didn’t take no for an answer. ‘No’ didn’t seem to even exist in his vocabulary.
“I don’t even know how many vacation days I have left.”
“Doesn’t matter. I’m booking you a one-way open ended ticket. You can figure out your days off before you come down, and we will book your return flight later.”
I zipped my suitcase shut, and sat down next to him with a sigh.
“Well, I have always wanted to go to florida,” I said, cozying up to his side just in time to see him finish up the purchase of my ticket.
Paul slid the laptop off to his side and slung his arm around me.
“At approximately 11am on Thursday that wish will be granted,” he whispered in my ear, punctuating his last word with a kiss to my temple.
“Four days,” I said, snaking my arms around his neck.
Those four days proceeded to coast by at a glacial pace. Work wasn’t so bad now that I had a few acquaintances in the office to help make the time go by faster. On Monday the ladies (especially Claire) were full of questions about Paul and our budding relationship, wanting to know every gory little detail. With all of their questioning, however, I realized how little I had answers for. “Where does he work?” “What does he do?” “Does he have family, and what are they like?” “Has he ever been married?” I soon grew overwhelmed with all of the answers I was lacking.
At lunchtime I pulled out my phone with every intention of shooting all of these questions to Paul, only to see that he’d already text me 13 times.
8:01am: Hey beautiful
8:22am: Good morning, gorgeous
8:43am: How’s your morning going
8:57am: I miss you so much, Linds. Hope your day is going good
9:05am: I can’t stop thinking about you
9:07am: 3 more days
9:19am: 3 more wake ups and we can be together again
9:26am: Linds, you there?
9:33am: Linds?
9:41am: I am going to take you to my favorite beach when you get here. You’ll love it. So peaceful.
9:49am: I really wish you’d answer my texts
10:03am: I’m gonna head to lunch. I’ll text you later
10:58am: Back from lunch. Where are you?
I was instantly floored at the amount of attention I was receiving from him. I wasn’t one to really even have an actual boyfriend, let alone be chased by a man. It felt so good to feel wanted. I was always the one who was friend-zoned, or was given the line “You’re like my sister.” It was such a nice and welcome change to be pursued.
Forgetting the reason I pulled out my phone in the first place, I immediately texted back:
11:05am: Hey handsome, sorry my phone was in my purse. No phones allowed on the floor. I miss you, too!
We proceeded to text throughout my entire lunch, making plans for my trip later in the week. After that morning I started keeping my phone hidden under a pile of paperwork. I didn’t want to appear disinterested, so I made sure to make myself as available as possible at all times.
I found out a few things about Paul through the conversations that took place over the next few days. He did have a few distant relatives, but they were scattered across the country and they didn’t keep in touch. His parents passed away years ago in a horrific car accident, and he’s an only child. When I attempted to push for more details about his life, he had the tendency to offer a short answer, or completely clam up and change the subject. Even when I asked what he did for a living, all he would say was that he worked as a foreman for a construction company.
Finally the day arrived for my trip to Florida, and my stomach was a ball of nerves. I must have unpacked and repacked my suitcase 4 times. The last text message I received from Paul was just before I stepped into the terminal to board my flight.
“See you soon,” was all it read.
“Can’t wait!” I quickly replied.
When I arrived in Tampa, my welcome party was underwhelming. I wasn’t expecting flowers, a red carpet, and a flash mob, however, I did expect Paul to be there to pick me up. I left 3 voicemails before resorting to text messages. Finally, after 6 texts, each one getting a little more frantic, he replied simply with his address. I was a little pissed, but more so confused. He’d seemed so excited about my coming out that it felt a little strange that he wasn’t waiting for me to take me to his house. I ended up taking a cab. I had a 45 minute drive to calm myself down, and justify Paul’s absence. He probably had to work, I thought. Maybe he was running last minute errands to free up his time while I was there.
When we pulled up to his address I was slightly taken back at his house. I’m not completely sure what I was expecting, but the simplicity of his house caught me off guard. It was a nice yellow ranch with a brown privacy fence that stretched off a few feet to the sides, then disappeared off to the backyard. There was a basic walkway from the driveway to his front door, and a single palm tree off to the side. No frills, nothing to spruce it up a bit. If it weren’t for the car in the driveway, I’d have assumed the house was vacant.
I made my way to the front door, after retrieving my bags and paying the cab driver a hefty sum. I knocked on the door, eagerly waiting an answer. A few seconds later I knocked again. I leaned off to the side to see if I could peer into the front window, but thick curtains blocked any view to the interior of the house. Just as I was about to knock a third time, the door opened and there stood Paul. I immediately threw myself on to him, wrapping my arms around his neck, and kissing his face. “I missed you so much I’m so happy to see you It feels like it’s been forever,” poured out of my mouth.
It took me a few moments to realize that he wasn’t returning my hug. Instead, I could feel a gentle pat-pat-pat on my back.
“Hey, are you ok?” I asked, pulling back a little to look at his face.
“Yeah. Come inside,” he nodded, breaking my embrace and grabbing the bags. I followed him inside and quickly noticed how dark it was. There weren’t any lamps on, and the only light coming in was the moon light that squeaked through the cracks between the curtains. It took a few seconds for my eyes to adjust, but from what I could see the interior was as simple as the exterior. Minimal furniture, and literally no décor. Not even a potted plant. I stayed a few steps back as we made our way into the master bedroom.
“You’ll sleep here with me,” he said gruffly, setting my bags to the side.
“Of course I will, silly,” I giggled as I wrapped my arms around his waist. As quickly as my hands met, his were there pushing my arms away. “What’s the matter?”
I stood there, dumbfounded, as he shook his head, and crossed the room to lay in bed.
“Um. Aren’t you happy to see me?” I had to practically force the words out of my mouth.
“Just get changed and come to bed, Lindsey.”
I stared at him intently. On the outside I probably looked calm, but inside my brain was swimming with insecurities and doubt. Slowly, I pulled my pajamas from my bag, made sure to change with my back facing him, and slipped into bed.
A few days went by, and his standoffish behavior continued. The first few days I chalked it up to the newness of being reunited, and the stress having to get acquainted to our being together outside of vacation. Paul had gone from being funny and sweet, to quiet and withdrawn; his joking turned to silence and cold glares. I tried to talk to him about the sudden behavior change, but was met with the bedroom door being slowly closed in my face.
There have been other subtle changes as well. Every night since I have arrived here he always receives a call from a man at 11pm. It’s the same routine every night: his phone rings once, he answers after the full ring, he talks in a hushed tone very quickly for about 1 minute, and then hangs up. I could hear the urgency in the man’s voice on the other end, but it was too muffled for me to make out any of the words. Of course, I had asked Paul about these nightly calls, but I didn’t get an answer. I tried to peek into his phone a few times, but I didn’t know his passcode.
Paul also stopped sleeping very much. He didn’t appear to work very often, as he was only gone for a few hours during the day. I wasn’t sure if he was sleeping at work, but he was definitely not sleeping in bed at home. He would just lay there.
A few nights ago I woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, and found I was alone in bed. I called out to him, but he didn’t answer. I made my way through the house, checking every room, only to find it empty. I even checked outside to make sure his car was still in the driveway. On my way back to bed from the restroom I noticed a glow coming from underneath the bedroom closet door. I opened the door to find Paul sitting cross-legged in the center of the closet, facing the back wall. His hands were placed on his knees, and his back was as straight as a board.
His head, though. His head was tipped back as far as it could go, eyes staring widely at the ceiling. His mouth hung slightly open, unable to completely shut from the overextension of his neck.
“Paul?” I gasped.
He didn’t answer, didn’t even move a muscle. I inched forward and spoke a little louder.
“Paul, honey, are you ok? What are you doing in the closet?”
Still no response. A bundle of uneasiness settled just below my bellybutton. I slowly eased my hand towards him.
“Honey, you-“ I started to say, fingers just an inch from his shoulde,r but was interrupted.
“I can’t see it,” he said. His voice was so low, an entire octave lower than usual. I don’t know how he was able to even talk with his neck stretched so far back.
Sleep talking?, I thought.
“But they are open,” he replied in his dream state.
I wasn’t normally one to eavesdrop, so the feeling of guilt that settled across my shoulders was expected.
I, again, reached out to touch him, to wake him. “Paul, honey, you need to come to bed,” I said gently.
He flinched when my fingers brushed his skin, as if I’d burned him.
“Lindsey, go to bed,” his voice, now a bit louder.
“But Paul,” I started.
“GO.”
I jumped so severely from the force in his voice that it knocked me off balance, sending me backwards into the closet door. I fumbled clumsily with the door knob, my eyes glued to his unmoving stature, to the very second before the door was shut. I returned to our bed, careful to stay on my side. I tried to stay awake, waiting for him to come back to bed, but after an hour I’d fallen asleep.
The next day I was determined to talk to Paul about what had happened the night before, but was again met with silence and a closed door. That night I took extra time getting ready for bed, intending to seduce him into being the man that I thought I’d fallen in love with. I sauntered my way out of the bathroom to the best of my ability, and found him lying in bed.
The moonlight snaked its way into the room through the slight part of the curtains casting a sweet glow as I tiptoed across the floor. The closer I got to the bed, the better I was able to see him. He was lying on his back, arms crossed across his chest, staring at the ceiling. I slowly eased my way under the covers and scooted up next to him. My fingers caressed his side as I showered the side of his face with kisses.
His body remained unaffected, his face a blank slate. I leaned my body over his slightly, closed my eyes, and pressed my lips to his. His once warm and soft kiss had been replaced with tight lips. I lifted my lids to see that he was still staring at the ceiling.
“Paul,” I whispered.
Nothing.
I repeated his name, more forcefully this time, staring into his eyes. He didn’t even blink. It was like he was looking right through me, as if I wasn’t even there. His once loving brown eyes were now cold and completely empty of any emotion. If his body wasn’t warm to the touch I would have questioned if he were even alive.
Frustrated, I rolled away from him, back to my side of the bed.
Tears stung my eyes as I whispered, “You can’t ignore me forever. I don’t know what’s going on with you, but if you don’t stop this I’ll just go home.”
“You’re staying,” he said as he rose out of bed, crossed the room, and shut himself in the closet.
“What?” I called to him, knowing I wasn’t going to get a response. I, again, slept alone.
The following morning Paul left a little earlier than usual for work. The second I heard the deadbolt slide into the lock I bee-lined it for the closet, determined to figure out what was going on in there. As I crossed through the threshold of the bedroom, I glanced back at the front door to make sure all was clear. Once I felt that I was safe, I tiptoed my way towards the closet door. The air of the room seemed to grow thicker with every step I took. A brick of dread settled itself into my lower abdomen causing my legs and arms to feel feather light.
I reached out and grasped the doorknob, pulling the door open a few inches. The light was still on as I peeked inside. It was void of any clothing. In all of the excitement from last night, I failed to notice that the closet was completely empty. I slid the door open a few more inches and eased my way inside. To the left were bare shelves from floor to ceiling, and to the right was a single horizontal rod. I placed my hands on the walls and felt around, pushing every few seconds to see if there was any give, but found nothing.
I knelt down to the floor and slid my hands along the carpet on the floor, working my way along the edges. As my hands passed the bottom shelf in the back corner, the front piece of wood moved the tiniest bit. Excitement immediately overpowered any dread that I had felt as I worked out that small flap of wood, exposing a hidden cubby. It was only about 3 inches high and 6 inches wide.
I lay my head on the floor to peer in. Tucked a few inches back I could vaguely see the spine of a book. I reached in and pulled it out to examine it. It was soft, brown, and leather bound. I held it gently as I passed it from one hand to the other, searching.
The front, back, and spine were blank. Cautiously, I opened the cover. There, on the inside of the front cover where one would usually write a sweet dedication, was a simple marking. It was like nothing I’d ever seen before, a hook like symbol with a few dots.
There was a single ribbon slipped in the middle of the book, so I opened to that page only to find it completely blank. I flipped through the pages before that one, and all of them were blank as well. Every page in the book was unmarked. I pulled all the pages over and studied the marking again. My fingers grazed down the inner cover. My index finger seemed to take on a mind of its own, lightly caressing the symbol. I repeatedly traced the curve of the hook with my fingertip, tapping each dot. With each trace, the air in the closet grew heavier. There was pressure growing behind my eyes and in my ears causing each beat of my heart to sound like the beat of a drum inside of my skull. My throat muscles began to tighten, and I arched my neck back slightly in an attempt to alleviate it. The book tumbled from my hands onto the floor, and almost immediately the pressure in my head began to slightly cease.
My hands fumbled along the carpet, pushing the book back to its place in the cubby. I, as carefully as possible, put the wooden plank back in its place, and crawled out of the closet kicking the door shut behind me.
I lay on the floor for what felt like hours, until my body felt normal again.
Later that afternoon I found myself still alone, which was unusual. Paul rarely left the house for more than just a few hours, and he had been gone most of the day. No matter what I did to keep my mind busy, it kept trailing back to that empty journal in the closet. It trailed back to that strange symbol that marked the front of the book. Back to the possessing affect it seemed to have on me physically. I felt the overwhelming urge to crawl back in there and run my finger over the slight curvature of the hook; to place my fingers lightly over the dots.
I fought that urge, instead busying my brain with mindless daytime t.v. shows and dusting the long planks of the fireplace mantle that remained undecorated and untouched. I had attempted to text Claire, my friend from work, but I kept receiving an error message. I tried to call her, but was given the ‘We’re sorry, all lines are currently busy’ response. My phone was rendered useless, and tucked back into my purse.
Numerous times throughout the day I would find myself back in the master bedroom next to the closet door, unsure of how I ended up there in the first place.
Paul finally came home later that evening, his hands full with Chinese takeout and a dozen roses.
“Linds, I’m home! I brought dinner.”
I stood frozen in my spot in the kitchen, confusion anchoring my feet to the floor.
“Hey,” he said as he leaned around me to place dinner on the counter, “I brought you these.” The roses were placed in my hands, a kiss placed on my temple.
“Paul, I-“ I started, unable to form a full sentence.
“Orange chicken with a side of rice, and 4 eggrolls with a side of sweet and sour sauce. Your favorite,” he said as he pulled out plates and the appropriate silverware.
I set the roses on the counter next to me, and stared briefly at Paul. He was back. Not just back from work, but actually back. He must have felt me staring, because he looked over at me and gave me that warm smile that made my knees go weak. Relief flushed through my body, and I threw myself at him wrapping my arms around his neck. Unlike a few days ago when I’d arrived on his doorstep, he wrapped an arm around my waist, and his other hand lazily rubbed up and down my spine.
“I missed you. I missed you so much,” I whispered, afraid that if I’d used my voice that it would crack and give away the immense amount of emotion I was feeling at that moment.
He chuckled. “You just saw me this morning.”
“No, not –“ I started, but he cut me off with a chaste kiss to the mouth.
“Come on, Linds, let’s eat. I’m starving.”
That night was the best night we’d had since Vegas. We ate dinner hurriedly, as Paul was eager to get to the bedroom. I was just as eager, as I was really in need of the attention and connection that making love would provide me with. The last few days were so full of confusion, that I was desperate to feel any kind of reassurance of love. I’d needed the soft touches, the whispers of sweet nothings, the skin on skin contact. I fell asleep quickly afterwards, our limbs tangled together, and his fingers grazing my lower abdomen.
I woke a few hours later to use the bathroom, quietly chastising myself for not going before falling asleep. I rolled to my side, intending to steal a kiss before getting out of bed, and found that I was alone. My eyes instantly shifted to the closet door, the same glow creeping out from beneath it.
I quickly made my way to do my business in the restroom, staying as quiet as possible so not to disturb Paul. As I tip-toed past the door heading back to bed, the muffled sound of his voice speaking my name stopped me in my tracks. I pressed my ear to the door and listened intently. A few quiet moments passed, so I gripped the door knob and pulled it open.
The air was noticeably heavier in the small space, and seemed to roll out of the doorway in waves. He sat there in the closet the same way as before. Legs crossed Indian-style, hands on his knees, and his head tilted back, his neck nearly to its breaking point with his mouth slightly agape. His lips began to twitch. I lowered myself to the floor, leaning my back against the door frame.
“I am. I understand,” he said, his monotone voice breaking the silence.
“Yes, Lindsey’s ready. It’s working.” My heart started to race at the mention of my name. Ready? I thought. Ready for what? What’s working? An internal battle was going on inside of my head. I wanted to ask questions, to guide his sleep talking, but I didn’t want to wake him. A moment later the one-sided conversation continued.
“It’s too soon. I have no way of knowing.” His voice was so void of any emotion that it sent chills from the base of my skull down to my tail bone.
“Too soon for what?” I whispered. “Too soon for what, Paul?” I leaned in closer as the words escaped my mouth, and saw the journal I’d found earlier sat open in his lap. A very familiar pressure started to build in my head.
My heart pounded in my chest as each second passed, waiting for his response. My breaths were rapid and shallow; my brain screamed for more oxygen.
“Lindsey will be with child . It is the order. It will be done.”
My heart felt like it dropped to the lowest pit of my stomach. I clumsily stumbled backwards, shutting the door once my body was clear. I sat there dumbfounded for what felt like ages, before finally springing into action. I knew that he would be in that closet for the rest of the night, and only had a few hours left to gather my things and leave.
I ransacked the master bedroom for any items of mine that I could find, and stuffed them into my bag. When collecting my toiletries from the top of the dresser my hip caught the edge, sending it all tumbling to the floor. I froze, waiting for any type of reaction from Paul. The house remained quiet, the closet door remained shut. I gathered the last of my things, threw on some clothing, and walked out the front door.
I ran for the first mile or so in the night, but exhaustion quickly set in and I had to resort to speed walking. I tried my best to stay in the shadows, walking through people’s front yards, staying off of the sidewalk whenever possible. Every time a set of car lights came up from behind me, I quickly ducked behind a bush or the side of a house, convinced that he had found me. And every time the car just continued past me down the road, relief would flood through my entire being.
Finally, about an hour later, I made it to a brightly lit gas station. It was completely dead, with the exception of a young man behind the counter. The cashier was eerily pleasant, and called a cab for me. He acted as if it was the most common thing in the world for a young woman to walk into his place of business with a giant duffel bag at 3am, frantically asking for a cab.
Upon arriving to the airport, I paid cash for my ticket for a plane that left for home in just a few short hours. I spent those hours huddled in the ladies room back stall, listening to the second hand on the clock on the wall tick-tick-tick the countdown to my being on that plane and home free.
That was over 8 months ago. I arrived home to find that I had been relieved of my job, and quickly relocated to a small town outside of Cleveland. The last months of my life have been full of cash jobs, month-to-month apartment rentals, and different small towns throughout the surrounding states of Ohio.
My life is now full of uncertainty and the sharp pang of dread. The feeling that I’m being watched is always there in the back of my mind, filling my nights with horrendous nightmares, and silently urging me to pack my few belongings and get back on the road to a new destination during the day. I sit here tucked away in my small apartment, gently rubbing my swollen belly, attempting to calm the baby boy that is kicking at my ribs.
I fear for myself, but mostly I fear for his little life that has yet to begin. I realize that I am hormonal, and pregnant women have the tendency to have very vivid dreams and nightmares. These nightmares, though, are full of hook-and-dot symbols and men whose eyes glow gold. I can’t help but feel that they are a warning of what is yet to come.
submitted by PlainJaneLindsey to nosleep [link] [comments]

[Table] IAmA Person on day 44 of Paddling the entire Mississippi River

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Date: 2012-05-29
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Questions Answers
How do avoid the larger river traffic (barges, ships, etc..) that might not be looking out for something as small as a kayak? Any close encounters? The barges stay in their marked channel well and are not a huge problem. I was in a few large pools this last weekend when everybody took out their motor boats. A bunch of drunks in speedboats are scarier to me. I had a guy Sunday come within a few feet of me. I almost threw my paddle at him.
When I was passing through Burlington Iowa 2 boats collided a few miles down from where I was camping. 4 people died and I have been much more cautious since then.
I had a barge sneak up on me from behind near the Wisconsin, Illinois border. I about pooped my self when it blew it's horn at me. Stupid Iowa NPR had a segment called "steamboat stories" that had that sound every time it started and would send shivers up my spine.
Not that I'd be pulling rank with a barge, but don't you technically have the right of way being that you have no motor? At least sail boats always have the right of way. Barges stay in their channel that is well marked by bouys. I might have the right of way but that means nothing if they can't see me.
Simple question- Why are you doing this? Also, any pics to share? Generic answer I give - "Because life is short and I wouldn't want to live it without having paddled the Mississippi"
Personal answer - "I need to get back to nature to figure out some stuff after Iraq"
Reason Now - "I want to come back next year and help a wounded warrior to become the first paraplegic to paddle the entire river. The amount of freedom I feel everyday is breath taking and I want to share it with someone who deserves it"
*edit - I am uploading an album to imgur now.
I want to come back next year and help a wounded warrior to become the first paraplegic to paddle the entire river. Please let us know when you get to the planning phase of this. I'll gladly kick in some money towards it. First thing when I get back. This is my new biggest priority besides not dying on the river.
Personal answer - "I need to get back to nature to figure out some stuff after Iraq" If you find yourself in New Orleans next Saturday, I will buy the booze. I will be there in 4 weeks.
The first answer is good enough for me, but each one after gets better and better. Best of luck to you :o) The ups is that I go as far as I want everyday, stop when I want and have time to really discover myself. I also can sing as loud as I want to a Kesha or Pink song on the radio while I am paddling.
Another question if you will? - What are the ups and downs to doing this solo? (Note: Solo, not alone) The downside is it is very lonely. When I first started out I would not see people for days and was alone which was ok and I felt fine. Now that I am somewhere where I see people all the time I feel lonely. Every person I meet asks me the same 3 or 4 questions.
Where do you jerk off? In my tent, the hammock makes it hard to maneuver.
When will you pass through Memphis? I reddit work literally on the banks of the river just south of the I-55 bridge. In about 8 days.
1) What are the expected total costs (gear included)? 1) The boat and gear ran me about 2000 dollars. 400 dollars for the ticket to Minneapolis, 300 to the guy who took me to Itasca. Then about 20 dollars per day I was on the river.
If you ever need a ride from Minneapolis to Itasca again, please just come to /twincitiessocial or PM me. $300 is ridiculous and I know that we could find someone to tote you up there for much less. I gave him 300$ because while I was waiting to go up I was bumming around the Mall of America, killing time. A cute girl asked me if I wanted to go to a casino and I said yes, because I love buffets and knew I could eat whatever I wanted. Waiting for the bus back to the mall so I could catch the shuttle back to my hotel I put 20 dollars in the Ghostbusters slot. I won 600 dollars. I don't really gamble and so I bought a nice hat and some nicer sunglasses for my trip. The guy who gave me a ride would have done it for free but I felt he deserved more and so gave him half of my winnings.
Is your name Huck or Jim? I am glad you did not write out Jim's name like Mark Twain did.
Would that even be possible? You'd exert so much energy per mile compared to going downstream... Everything from Minneapolis to St. Louis is flat because of the 29 locks and dams. It makes the river more like a staircase than a slope.
I noticed there was a picture of you inside a lock. Do they actually let a tiny boat like yours through the locks? Do they open and close the locks just for your little kayak? It seems a bit excessive but they send me through all by myself. The people at the locks are the only people I regularly talk to and are usually cool guys. In the locks with the bigger drops it feels like Star Wars with the giant gates opening.
But I mean you're going against the current regardless. Do kayaks skim the water so it wouldn't be too difficult? I guess I imagine paddling downstream somewhat like tubing down a river. Am I wrong? Back when the river was small and shallow there are sections that are class 2 rapids that would be very very difficult to paddle upstream. Also Saulk Rapids a couple of days north of Minneapolis would be almost impossible to paddle through. I think a rowing skiff would work best on most of it.
Pool 26 represent. FYI, St. Louis's sewer company, MSD, dumps raw sewage into the Mississippi. Hows the water quality now that you've come to our fine city? It has been nasty since Minneapolis. Everybody's poo goes into the river.
How do you get on reddit? I am at a hotel today. I have a smartphone and reddit is fun on it.
1) how are you going to paddle to pensacola? is it safe to take your boat through the gulf? 1) I plan on paddling the inter coastal most of the way from the mouth to Pensacola, my boat is very stable and can handle the gulf if I need it to.
2) do you like living in pensacola? do you consider it part of the deep south? 2) I do not like living in Pensacola, I plan on moving back to SLC. Pensacola is a great place to visit but not so much to live in, and yes it is very deep South.
Do you stop and visit some places you pass? If so, did you stop in the quad cities? (that's my hometown) I paddled through the quad cities at night. Your hometown is probably the most polluted area on the Mississippi. The water smelled like paint. I broke my paddle in the quad cities and was not very happy there.
How did you break your paddle? Going through the last lock in the quad cities I had to pee very bad. There is a rocky area just left of the locks when you exit. A lock can take 30 minutes and I had to go really bad. When I was paddling into that rocky area my paddle hit a rock and the blade broke.
Twin cities resident here! Did you see all the dogs along the shore chasing balls and having a merry time just before passing Fort Snelling? I did. They were on my left as I paddled by. Dogs love to come to the banks and bark at me. *edit - I keep a detailed journal while I am out here but you just reminded me of something I might have never remembered had you not asked. Thanks.
Had I been there that day this may have greeted you. Link to imgur.com I do have a serious question though: how has gear weight played a part in your selection of gear? How much does all of your gear weigh sans kayak? How often do you stop to resupply food and how much food and water do you carry with you? I do not have to worry about weight like I do when I backpack. My kayak alone weighs around 65 pounds. My gear is probably around 45 pounds now and I have about 15 pounds of food. I carry usually a weeks supply of food that is mostly mac and cheese and stovetop stuffing for dinner with pop tarts and candy bars for the day. Water is more difficult than food. I have a 10 liter MSR water bag and a 4 liter platypus bag. I have not been able to filter or treat my water since Minneapolis, and usually fill it up with a hose.
Do you not have a good enough filter & treatment for the water or just don't trust it given the water quality? You can't filter water from an oil slick.
So yeah, antiseptic. Hand sanitizer would be cheap and relatively light. I worked in Yellowstone after college at the Snow Lodge. Fly fishing is an art I will never master. If you ever have a chance to go out there and fish the Snake River or the Yellowstone River, take it. I am glad your eye is ok now.
I have plenty of other questions as well: when it's time to sleep do you simply pull off and sleep on shore? I know there has been some torrential rain lately, how has this effected your trip? Any weather situations that have forced you to stop for the day/had you scared shitless? When I was crossing Lake Cass it began sleeting on my and the winds were causing 3 foot waves. I fell in. I had a bag with fleece pants a fleece jacket and a pak-towel in case of this. After I got into dry clothes I paddled upriver to a lodge I saw earlier. I went into the shower and could not touch the water with my hands without intense pain. Without having been prepared I could have died that day, but luckily I didn't.
I usually just find an island on the river and set up there.
Do you have it setup so things stay in the kayak if it tips? Yes everything is strapped down and in waterproof bags.
What is this monkey swing you speak of? I take one arm and grab a tree branch then swing way back so my poo does not hit my feet. I call it the Monkey Swing because I feel like a monkey swinging from branch to branch.
How was La Crosse? Did you stop there by any chance? I did. A beautiful girl at the awesome river park recommended a pizza place and I ate four very large slices. La Crosse was a beautiful town with a great river front.
What did you do with your boat while you went to get the pizza? The rocks up to the park are pretty steep and it was such a nice clean place I felt like it was safe there.
Awesome! It's my hometown. (I'm in Ohio right now for school.) I'm glad you enjoyed it! What pizza place was it, do you recall? Good luck on the rest of your journey, sir! It was across from a bar called the library.
Beautiful women, recommending pizza? I must go to this place. She had just come from a food co-op also.
Australian cricket legend and World War II fighter pilot Keith Miller put things into perspective when he was asked how he handled the pressure of international cricket. His reply: "Pressure? A Messerschmitt up your arse is pressure. Playing cricket is not." My question: Does your currrent undertaking feel like a walk in the park compared to your time in Iraq? Do you think that this challenge is made (or feels) easier in some way by the experiences you made during your service? Apples and Oranges. We relied on each other a ton over there and it was a shared experience. I feel that my time in the service gave me the confidence to try to achieve something that might seem impossible.
Are you going through the locks when you come to them? Or are you going around on foot? I am going through the locks. I pull a little cord right before them that signals the lockmaster and they put me through just like a barge. I sometimes have to wait upwards of an hour and a half for the barges to go through first. Before Minneapolis I would have to carry my boat around the dams, sometimes up to a mile.
How do you carry the kayak? I've found them a lot harder to portage than canoes. I usually take 2 trips. First I carry all my gear then I use a handle on the side of my kayak to carry it.
Once you conquer the Mississippi what will be your next adventure? I want to come back and help a paraplegic be the first to paddle the entire river. I have had this on my mind for the last month and I think it could be done. The biggest obstacle is portaging around all the dams in Minnesota.
Someday I would like to ride a bike from Coney Island, NY to Chicago then take route 66 to LA. Then I will have done my personal triple crown. Walk up the country, float down then peddle across.
Are you worried about how violent the river becomes in Louisiana? That undercurrent is a killer, literally. Yes I am. 5 people have died on the river within a few miles of me since I have been out here. 4 in Burlington Iowa and one near Hannibal, MO. I stay very near the shore to avoid barges and to be safe. I am very aware that it will be dangerous but will continue anyways.
Most people who die on the river do so because they leave their life vests and brains on the dock to make room for more beer. I have never been or will be on this river without my life vest. I keep a small drybag on my vest with my phone and wallet in case I get separated from my boat.
Are you doing your ama from a mobile device on the water or are you taking a break right now? I am taking the day off. I am at a holliday inn with a business center. I do check reddit every couple of nights from my phone but have to conserve my battery in case I need my phone for an emergency. I stay in a hotel about once every 10 days and this is the second time I took an entire day off. I woke up today and was unable to close my fingers in a fist without a ton of pain and thought it would be a good idea to rest.
Where is your kayak while you are in the hotel room? Did you take it in with you? A marina here is letting me keep it there overnight. Sometimes I hide it among the trees on the shore when I run into town.
How much gear have you ditched so far because you overpacked? Haven't ditched any gear but have lost or broken; solar panel, gps, laptop, gloves, knit hat, kayak paddle and a fleece.
What piece of gear do you wish you had that you don't? What piece of gear has surprised you most? What piece of gear has disappointed you most? I wish I had a spare kayak paddle. My kayak paddle dissapointed me when it broke but the worst piece of gear I had was a Brunton Solar charger. It just straight up did not work even with 12 hours of direct sunlight.
Cat can stove? Cat Can Stove! I don't think anything inflatable could make it down this river because of all the debris.
Do you have any plans for future excursions? I want to do the river again but to act as a guide for a paraplegic and help him/her around the dams and such. It has become clear to me out here that life is better when you stop worrying about yourself and start helping others. If I could share this freedom with someone who might feel confined by their chair then that is a pretty good life.
One day I want to ride a bicycle across the country to complete my triple crown. Walk up, paddle down and ride across. I want to touch the South Pole before I die.
Ehat do you mean by "walk up"? Can you elaborate? When I hiked the Appalachian trail I walked up the country from Georgia to Maine.
When you camp on the side of the river, do you just do it wherever? did you have to organize/reserve locations, or do you just hobo-style it? any problems with authorities ever? I usually stay on islands and pull my boat all the way off the water. No one can really see me.
What kind of wildlife do you see?? At the start there was an amazing amount of wildlife. My favorite was a small furry wolf that was drinking from the riverside. I have seen a ton of deer, ducks, geese, loons, herons and beavers. I also saw a whooping crane. I have a picture of it.
How enormous are the whirlpools? I heard the Mississippi gets massive whirlpools, if so, have you ever gotten stuck in one? They can be upwards of 20 feet. They can be frustrating because there seems to be no good way to paddle around them without being spun around a bit. The more speed you have when skirting by them the less effect they have.
How fast does the Mississippi move? Like, you say you're paddling down it, but could you conceivably just float down it? From Minneapolis to St. Louis the river is controlled by locks and dams. Usually the wind comes from the South and if I do not paddle it pushes me upstream. The current picks up a ton after St. Louis because there are no more dams and floating becomes an option.
Tell us about the stuff you need to figure out about Iraq. What have you been doing since you came back, and why the need for adventure right now? The weight of being responsible for other people's deaths weighs heavy on my heart. I worked for the company that made the drone I flew for a while until they told me I would have to go to Afghanistan. I went back to school for a bit and waited tables. I knew in my heart that I was an adventurer and the only way to get back to that is to dive in.
How polluted is the Mississip? Outside of the cities it is not too bad. I have been by probably 25 coal power plants and tons of factories. The quad cities treats the river like a dump. The water is polluted beyond belief but local groups keep the shoreline decently clean, except in Minneapolis.
As someone who is looking at the filthy bastard right now, (Muscatine, Iowa) what made you choose the Mississippi? I grew up in Memphis and used to hang out at the river. I am just one of those people that when they see a mountain they want to climb it.
Ever read the story "Big Two-Hearted River" by Hemingway? You sound a bit like the character in that. Enjoy your journey and thanks for sharing. No I did read The River Why, Down the River, Huck Finn, and A River Runs Through it though.
How swole are your arms? I lifted a while before this and my arms have actually gotten smaller but more toned.
Any close calls with shady people? Any times where you feared for your safety? Thank you for your military service. Whenever I go through a larger town or city there are people who hang out under the bridges. I avoid them.
Once you get to the mouth in Venice, Louisiana. Would you like to have a beer with me? Sure.
How often do you listen to Black Water by the Doobie Brothers? I heard it on the radio about two weeks ago and sang along. The stroke by Billy Squire and Drift Away are 2 good paddlin songs too. You can usually find me singing along to Brittney Spears and Ke$ha to be honest.
How easy would it be to do this? Like how much experience do you recommend having before you set out on this journey? You need a decent amount of paddling experience for this and must know how to read a river.
Cool.... Where would you get started for all of this? Join a local paddling club. I went through the Memphis canoe and kayak club's courses on whitewater canoeing and kayaking in the 90's growing up. Even if you don't own a boat your local club will probably help you find something to paddle. When I am on my kayak it moves like another limb of my body. When you can paddle and not think about it you are golden. I used to work for an Outdoors shop in memphis. After work every day I would go to a small public lake at shelby farms and paddle for 2-3 hours. I did it because I loved it, even though I just went around in small circles. I did not know at the time that it would lead to this. Start small and dream big. I love the feeling of being on the water. Some people love climbing rocks. If it is el Cap, Everest, a solo sail around the world or maybe a float of the Mississippi that is your calling you will know.
Have you been smacked by any Asian carp yet? Yes they do hit my boat daily. Since lock 19 in Iowa they have been everywhere.
Very cool, I think it is very cool to see someone actively crossing things off a bucket list! Too many people just talk about doing those things but are never serious. Thank you for your service as well! I was paddling north of Minneapolis when I saw a couple of kayaks in front of me. I paddled to catch up and there were about 40 people paddling down the river. I had not seen anyone else paddling before and I was excited. They were a river club from Minneapolis that was out for a day paddle. One of the nice older ladies offered me a place to stay but I did not take the offer and paddled another 10 miles after they got out.
Just curious, how did you get by the Coon Rapids Dam in Minnesota? I imagine you just pulled out some where and put back in down river but I'd be interested to hear how anyway. There is a ridiculously long trail that goes up and down over 2 old rail beds, across a concrete path, down a steep hill, across a 2 foot wide bridge, up a hill with a tree fallen in the middle, then down a long path, that turns into another long path, that finally goes down a hill into a parking lot and then down another steep hill. The path was covered in ticks and there was dicarded panties and broken liquor bottles the whole way. I described it in another response as "rapey". It was not a good time.
How long do you plan on this trip taking? And did you do anything special to prepare for a journey of this magnitude? 70-80 days Nothing too special to be honest. Having gone through SERE-C in the Army helped as well as a lifetime of trips in the outdoors.
Welcome to St. Louis! Just wondering if the river's as muddy everywhere else as it is here? We even have a cake named Mississippi Mud Cake, so, yeah... lol. I used to drink the water and see down 6 feet. Since Iowa it has been bad. Remember playing "hot lava" as a kid. It is like that but with cancer.
Why? I once heard that the afterlife might be a separation from time and you live your life over and over again. Do yo measure life in dollars or in sunsets?
To an alien my life has purpose. What do you have. If it is kids and love you win. If not . . .
Because I own things that money could never buy.
Did I miss the imgur link to OP's pictures? The link is in my comments.
I work at a kayak rental shop in Cleveland, on lake Erie. Im assuming the boat is about 17 feet because you are obviously an experience paddler. Is that right? It is 14 feet.
Did you bring any weed? No :(
Bummer man. I might find a stealth grow on the banks one of these days but I wouldn't want to steal it. I will keep on looking though.
Real men paddle FROM Pensacola TO Minneapolis. If I could find someone to fund it I would turn around and paddle back when I am done.
I'd love a brief overview of the gear you're using. The kayak is a Jackson Cuda Sit on top. I was using an Accent kayak paddle until the blade snapped in the quad cities. I use an Accent paddle board paddle now. I sleep in either my REI 2 man tent or on my ENO hammock. I cook with a denatured alcohol stove. I always wear my life jacket which I have a dry bag attached to hold my phone and wallet. I have a rather large river knife attached to my vest also. I use a Marmot 30 degree sleeping bag with a Thermarest Z-rest for my bed. I had a solar panel and a gps but the river took those from me a month ago.
LOVE my ENO hammock! Slept in it all weekend... Good luck brotha! The ENO hammock is my favorite piece of gear.
As would I! I can't imagine using a sit on top for expedition paddling...a sea kayak feels so much more cozy to me. I picked the Jackson Cuda because I can stand and paddle it like a paddle board. I didn't go with a traditional kayak because I was afraid my legs would not be able to handle months inside a regular kayak.
Good luck, sir. I hope you find what it is you're looking for. You seek a great fortune, you three who are now in chains. You will find a fortune, though it will not be the one you seek. But first... first you must travel a long and difficult road, a road fraught with peril. Mm-hmm. You shall see thangs, wonderful to tell. You shall see a... a cow... on the roof of a cotton house, ha. And, oh, so many startlements. I cannot tell you how long this road shall be, but fear not the obstacles in your path, for fate has vouchsafed your reward. Though the road may wind, yea, your hearts grow weary, still shall ye follow them, even unto your salvation.
Post that shit everywhere :D Maybe our numbers will swell abit. And the trivia team will grow.
Please tell me that's not a fishing pole. I hope you don't plan on eating any fish from that river. Polluted nasty poop fish! That's my poop you are kayaking with! (I live in STL) I would not eat anything south of the quad cities.
You are still north of myself - but when you reach Cairo to Caruthersville (spelling) anthing along that stretch - Basically the Convergance of Ohio and Miss - to where I44 crosses the River. Thanks. I will be passing by probably Friday. I could definitely use a new kayak paddle but I think my mom in Memphis has a spare she will lend me. Mine broke in the quad cities and I have been using a paddleboard paddle like a canoe paddle. It is a mess and I can't close my hands fully anymore but I kind of like it.
You need anything because I could probably get it to you. You can come out and we can high five if you want.
So - regarding Paddle and whatever - looks like I can swing heading North along the river on Thursday - so we are not constrained to a Friday crossing timeline. So outside of the Paddle - any "inland" favorites you desire let me know and we will try and work this out. I talked to my mom and I have an old paddle of mine at her place in Memphis. If you just want to come say hi that would be nice.
Because of the width and the height of the Cuda, a 240cm paddle would be best if you're going to provide a replacement. Maybe the Bending Branches infusion with the soft grips... I was using a 240 before because of the cuda's height. When you set the chair in the low position it is actually not that tall. It is an amazing vessel.
You should launch a Kickstarter campaign to write/document your travels. Perhaps when you do the trip again with a Wounded Warrior. The Wounded Warrior project could perhaps help too. If I could raise money I might. I am well read and well educated but I feel no need to share this. If I could help someone by being popular that would be good. I would rather just die with this than let someone sell it.
I plan on writing a book but I do not like attention while I am doing it. I have already written over 120 pages in my journal but I feel the river is the true story, not some asshole like me going down it If I do ever publish a book about this I want it to be like cannery row, a bit of the wild slipping on the knife. Some days I just wish I was like the kid in into the wild and if I die out here it is worth writing about.
I'm pretty sure I recall you posting your "ride wanted" ad in the twinscitiessocial subreddit or something of the like. Glad to see you found your ride! I recently traveled alongside the river just in Minnesota alone and am really jealous of your trip. No questions here, just good luck! Give some love to mn_redditor. Without him I would not be here.
When you come through Vicksburg, Mississippi, let me know! I will send you a message when I am close.
Did you get bitten by a snake. I fear most bodies of water because of this T_T. I have only seen two snakes in the water, both while waiting for locks. There will be more.
Oh my gosh HEY, i know you! I work at the Four Points you stayed at in MPLS and drove you around in the shuttle :) So fun to see your post on here and see the pictures of where you've been! Hey thanks for the radio station advice. You were a cool chick.
I admire your exercise in Zen. I find mine climbing rock walls. Enjoy the solidarity, risk, and enlightenment. The process of present moments is what matters. The best days are the ones where the hours melt like minutes.
When you get back the zombie contamination will be over. I always wanted to be patient zero in the zombie apocalypse. Maybe the foul waters of lousiana will cause this.
Last updated: 2012-06-03 02:11 UTC
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