My name is Jared A. Brock. Having just turned 35, I sat down to reflect on everything I’ve learned so far and made a list of the things I wish I learned far sooner. None of these are rules or commands for you to follow, just personal reflections from a decade of journaling. I hope they save you a lot of time, energy, and struggle:

1. “Save the best for last” is terrible advice.

A French monk taught me this one. Every morning, I put on the newest pair of socks in my drawer. Why wear the rattiest pair? When I sit down to eat, I eat the tastiest bits first. Why let them get cold? After every shower, I put on my favorite clean t-shirt. I have a great bottle of 10-year-old Laphroaig scotch in my cupboard, but I probably won’t drink it for months because I received two bottles of reactor-aged Lost Spirits single malt for Christmas.
Why? Because life is hard enough and we aren’t promised tomorrow. This doesn’t mean we should throw caution to the wind and “live in the moment” at all times, but it does mean we should try to find the golden middle and glean a little bit of pleasure from every day we’re blessed to live. “Save the best for last” is poverty-mentality thinking. It expects worse in the future. Enjoy the best right now — in your marriage, parenting, work, travel, faith, friendship, contribution. Keep all the chips on the table. Be ready at all times to leave without regret.

2. Tools use us.

A hammer literally cannot hit a nail without using a human. A saw cannot cut through a board without using a human. A phone cannot deliver ads without using a human.

3. Avoid false dichotomies.

When given two great options, choose both. When given two horrible options, choose neither.

4. Failure is overcome by one word.

“Next.”

5. Ambition is ruinous for your happiness.

Most goal-setters (myself included) live much of life in anticipation of tomorrow, and when that day arrives, they’re either disappointed by their failures or underwhelmed by their successes.
Instead: trust the process. Whiskey, pasta, bread, beer, and cereal all require just two ingredients — wheat and water — but the outcome is completely different based on the process. Identity precedes action. Determine what you want to be, then find the process that will get you there every single time.

6. Forget what the market wants.

Listen to your gut. Your body knows the difference between good and great. Someone said you should never record a song or code an app or write an article unless it makes you laugh, cry, or orgasm. If an idea doesn’t move you, it won’t move an audience, no matter how “commercial” you think it is.

7. Give yourself a shove.

The best way to eat more candy, drink more vodka, and smoke more cigarettes is to leave them in the middle of the kitchen counter.
You get it. Willpower is useless. Instead, line up a series of little nudges to automatically get you through your day. If you want to work out, leave your shorts by the door or your cleats in your fridge. My blue diode glasses rest on top of my laptop so I have to protect my eyes before logging online. I can’t not see my vitamins when I brush my teeth, or chia seeds when I reach for the Brita. There’s a book beside my bed, toilet, desk, and car’s gear shifter.
Line up enough nudges and you can shove yourself in the right direction.

8. Grandma didn’t use toilet paper.

She used pages from the Sears catalog. Splinter-free wasn’t available until 1935. The Romans used sponges. The Greeks used clay. Francois Rabelais recommended using “the neck of a goose.” Arabians used their left hand.
Never assume our extremely unique cultural moment is “normal.”

9. Ninety-nine isn’t enough.

Water boils at 100 degrees Celcius. The difference between 99 and 100 is the difference between zero and one. Not-boiling, boiling.
Corollary: 101 doesn’t make it any more boiling.

10. Old people know better.

Honoring our elders is one of the most underrated practices in our newness-obsessed society. Sure, there are a ton of old crazy far-right conspiracy theorists, but there are also good people who have survived four wars, six recessions, and twelve presidents and are somehow still smiling. Get to know them.
Also: meet your old-person self. I try to invent a new word every week — one of them is preflection. To ponder the present through the eyes of your future self. Take an hour in silence to listen to your eighty-year-old self. They might know something you don’t.

11. Fire all your employees.

The employer-employee relationship creates an unhealthy power dynamic between humans that simply didn’t exist when we worked cooperatively to feed our clan or village. I love my work life so much more now that I only work with independent entrepreneurs who are my equals. For me, it’s either a one-man show (my writing business), an equal partnership (my film company), or a co-operative endeavor. Life’s too short to be a boss or be bossed around.

12. Accept that you are a voracious locust of doom.

Nail a roll of paper to the wall and write down everything you consume for a year — food, toilet paper, electricity, car fuel, movies, music, social media content, other people’s time, everything. See what I mean?
Saint Augustine said that the human heart can only fully be satisfied by one thing aside from God himself: everything. All the sex, all the money, all the power, all the possessions, all the glory. All of it. Nothing short of everything could ever fully satiate the human heart. We are wired for more.
Understanding this truth is the first step toward real contentment.

13. Awkward is awesome.

My best friend says that The Office gave society a beautiful gift: the ability to embrace cringe. When you meet someone new and it’s slightly weird, pretend you’re Michael Scott. Just glory and bask in the discomfort.
You can awkward-proof your life by being bold: Ask for discounts. Ask for refunds. Ask for phone numbers. Ask for pay raises. Ask inappropriate questions at inappropriate times. Lather yourself in awkward and pretty soon nothing sticks.

14. Happiness isn’t the purpose of life.

Hitler really was following his bliss by offing millions of Jews. I’m sure Jeffrey Dahmer genuinely enjoyed the taste of human flesh. Bernie Madoff seemed content to bilk charities for decades.
Happiness isn’t the purpose of life. It’s not even in the top ten. Happiness is a seasonal fruit, not a foundational root. Find firm and fertile ground.

15. There is no ugly.

My grandpa re-proposed to my grandma on their fiftieth wedding anniversary and called her the most beautiful woman he’s ever known. Old wrinkly grandma? Yes. Because we choose our definition of beauty through our thoughts, disciplines, habits, and patterns, be they conscious or otherwise.

16. We are what we consume.

The statistical average American is a walking bodybag of sugar, alcohol, caffeine, porn, pills, and digital stimulus. Imagine how different life would be if our only inputs were nature, sleep, sunlight, organic food, and embodied human interaction?
Guard your inputs carefully.

17. We’re going to die quite soon.

Make sure you live first. Practicing memento mori will help.

18. Fame is poison.

One in four Gen Zers thinks they’ll be famous by age 25. One in 3.9999999 Gen Zers are going to have a miserably disappointing life.
Why do people desire the attention of strangers? Because we all need to love and be loved, to know and be known, but are too afraid to risk personal heartbreak to seek it out. Attention is not affection. Influence is not intimacy.

19. Boomers are to blame for half our troubles.

The Me Generation took a free ride at the planet’s expense and are hellbent on taking the rest of it with them. They’re statistically low on empathy — blame the lead, asbestos, and hairspray if you must — but at least acknowledge the reality that life is hard for everyone, and no one has it easier.

20. Children are dope.

Kids are the blood transfusion in our sick system. We need to stop manipulating, brainwashing, colonizing, and propagandizing them, and learn from them instead.

21. It doesn’t have to hurt.

Joy is a choice.

22. Watch comedy before calls and meetings.

Five minutes of gut-busting laughter will prime you for even the most tedious conference call. Your co-workers and customers all have tough lives like everybody else, so brighten their day by pre-brightening your own.

23. No ragrets.

Tattoo it on your neck. Most people play it far too safe. Instead: optimize your life for the least number of regrets and the most amount of selfless contribution.

24. There are better ways to vote.

I’ve manned several local voting stations, and I’ve also hob-nobbed with politicians in Canada, America, and the UK. The reality is that they don’t work for us. They work for their corporate sponsors and private interests.
Democracy isn’t dead. It just hasn’t happened yet, with all attempts to date being stillborn or aborted. Democracy = one voice one vote. Athens wasn’t a democracy — women, slaves, and tenants had zero say. America isn’t a democracy either — no representative system is, because it’s far too easy for private interests to buy politicians. The charade of voting is illusory. All elections are sham elections.
So what to do? Vote with your money and time and attention. One sham vote every four years versus tens of thousands of dollar-votes each year? It’s a no-brainer. My wife and I haven’t stepped foot in a Walmart in more than a decade because thousands of its suppliers are based in China, the billionaire heirs are anti-democratic tax-avoiders, and they treat their employees like indentured servants. Vote for pro-democracy third-party candidates if you must — just understand the game, and vote in the ways that actually matter.

25. Everything easy has already been done.

So run a little further.
And if it hasn’t been done, it won’t be as easy as it appears. The question to ask is: what’s been standing in the way this whole time? Achievement is all about knocking down obstacles. Just make sure what’s on the other side is rightly worth the effort.

26. Broccoli still tastes terrible.

But you’re not a child anymore. Adults do hard things.

27. Fixed-order scheduling > fixed-hour scheduling.

Discipline is great, but it’s also subject to the law of diminishing returns. Life is just too dynamic to schedule with military precision. Free yourself from the tyranny of “only people who wake up at 5 AM are successful.”
All hours are not created equal. It depends on your sleep drive and chronotype. Know yourself. Unapologetically get more sleep, then do your best work at your best time in your best state.

28. “Freedom” isn’t freedom.

America wasn’t founded on freedom. America was founded on violent autonomy.
The ancient Greeks had an entirely different definition of freedom: it was the ability to choose the right regardless of circumstance.

“We talk about freedom all the time, but we’ve stopped talking about freedom a long time ago. Now we’re talking about autonomy. Freedom is different than autonomy. Freedom has boundaries. Truth is one of those boundaries. And morality is one of those boundaries. Autonomy is the ability to do whatever you want whenever you want in whatever way you want. The problem is this: If I’m autonomous and another person is autonomous, and I have preferences and those matter more than the truth, and that person has preferences and their preferences matter more than the truth, when two autonomous preference-seeking beings come together and their preferences don’t match, who is going to win? If truth is on the bottom shelf, truth won’t decide. What will decide will be power. And isn’t it ironic that in our quest for “freedom”, someone gets enslaved?” — Abdu Murray

29. The Marines were right: slow is smooth, smooth is fast.

As teenagers, my friend Tyler and I were in a hurry to get somewhere quickly so we drove 120+ miles per hour for forty-five straight minutes before nearly crashing when the speed burned a footlong gash through the tire. By the time we replaced it with a spare, we were late to our destination by more than an hour.
But nevermind driving. Pump the life-brakes sometimes, or at least, let off the gas. You might get there faster, with less wear-and-tear on the engine.

30. The quest for wealth is destroying life.

We’ve commodified land, water, shelter, clothing, art, time, and nearly everything else. Very little remains, and it’s amassing into fewer hands.
We need a shared global vision. My invented word for it is benevitae: the sustainable flourishing of all creation. Our collective goal should be socioenviroeconomic sustainability. Where to start? We’d do well to let biology determine ecological sustainability and real democracy to determine economic fairness. Our current trajectory is worse than the Space Shuttle Challenger.

31. Most “leaders” aren’t leaders.

Celebrities, politicians, and book-hocking business gurus all call themselves leaders. They’re not.
Real leadership is influence that serves. True leaders are selfless and servant-hearted. They put the best interests of others ahead of their own. Politics and media, by comparison, attracts sociopaths like flies to firelight. Never give power to those who seek it. Nearly everyone worth following is dead.

32. Divide-and-conquer is a business model.

Near the end of high school, dozen friends and I binge-watched multiple seasons of LOST in our friend Mike’s basement. It was one of the most hilarious, riotous, enjoyable experiences we had as a group.
And it was the last show we ever watched together.
People used to go to restaurants in large numbers, to the movies by the dozen, climbing over each other for one of the limited video game controllers, packing out our churches, cheering on our sports teams by the busload. We were almost never alone, and we were far happier. Now we order in, watch Netflix, stream Minecraft, catch the highlights, watch porn, and go to bed. It’s killing us.
Resist the urge to be alone. It’s too easy, and it’s the exact opposite of what we really need. The #1 thing that’s correlated to human happiness is human togetherness.

33. Self-improvement won’t save us.

The great lie of individualist-consumerist culture is that we can improve our way to personal perfection and communal utopia. But it’s incrementalism at best.
It’s just chasing infinity.

34. We know nothing +/-.

On the scale of all that is known, and all that is knowable, our individual understanding is essentially mathematically zero. The entirety of human knowledge is a rounding error.
This is the beginning of humility.

35. The sun is not on fire

I was at an observatory in the Davis Mountains in Texas, and it was the first time I’d paid attention to astronomy since grade school. For three decades, I’d wrongly assumed the sun was a giant ball of flames.
But there’s no fire in space because there’s no oxygen in space. (It just looks like fire because of how our eyes perceive light through the atmosphere and prism.) As I stared at the real-time image of the sun on the observatory wall, I nearly wept. The sun actually looks like a giant, boiling, grey brain.
And then it hit me: I have so many assumptions to set aside and so much left to learn. So pay attention. Don’t worship the “question everything” mantra, but instead spend your life seeking truth, and wisdom, and understanding.
You know what you need to do to get where you want to be.

This post is mod-approved and I hope it's helpful.
My name is Jared A. Brock and today is my 35th birthday. It’s been a wild ride: I’ve walked across hot coals, swam up an underground river by candlelight, eaten bull’s testicles, and roasted marshmallows on flowing lava.
I’ve written three books, directed four films, published 400+ articles everywhere from Esquire to The Guardian to TIME Magazine, road-tripped through 45 American states and nine Canadian provinces, helped get some laws changed, and traveled to forty countries including North Korea and the Vatican.
I’ve enjoyed nearly thirteen years of marriage to my seventh-grade sweetheart, and we’ve been blessed to fundraise hundreds of thousands for charity. Though not without tons of mistakes and some major setbacks — financially, physically, emotionally, spiritually — it’s been a pretty decent trip so far.
I’m lucky, blessed, downright spoiled. And even though I certainly don’t claim to be wise in any way, shape, or form, here are 35 things I wish I’d learned far sooner. None of these are rules or commands for you to follow, just personal reflections from a decade of journaling. I hope they save you a lot of time, energy, struggle, and life:

1. “Save the best for last” is terrible advice.

A French monk taught me this one. Every morning, I put on the newest pair of socks in my drawer. Why wear the rattiest pair? When I sit down to eat, I eat the tastiest bits first. Why let them get cold? After every shower, I put on my favorite clean t-shirt. I have a great bottle of 10-year-old Laphroaig scotch in my cupboard, but I probably won’t drink it for months because I received two bottles of reactor-aged Lost Spirits single malt for Christmas.
Why? Because life is hard enough and we aren’t promised tomorrow. This doesn’t mean we should throw caution to the wind and “live in the moment” at all times, but it does mean we should try to find the golden middle and glean a little bit of pleasure from every day we’re blessed to live. “Save the best for last” is poverty-mentality thinking. It expects worse in the future. Enjoy the best right now — in your marriage, parenting, work, travel, faith, friendship, contribution. Keep all the chips on the table. Be ready at all times to leave without regret.

2. Tools use us.

A hammer literally cannot hit a nail without using a human.A saw cannot cut through a board without using a human.A phone cannot deliver ads without using a human.

3. Avoid false dichotomies.

When given two great options, choose both.When given two horrible options, choose neither.

4. Failure is overcome by one word.

“Next.”

5. Give yourself a shove.

The best way to eat more candy and drink more vodka is to leave them side-by-side on the kitchen counter.
You get it. Willpower is useless. Instead, line up a series of little nudges to automatically get you through your day. If you want to work out, leave your shorts by the door or your cleats in your fridge. My blue diode glasses rest on top of my laptop so I have to protect my eyes before logging online. I can’t not see my vitamins when I brush my teeth, or chia seeds when I reach for the Brita. There’s a book beside my bed, toilet, desk, and car’s gear shifter.
Line up enough nudges and you can shove yourself in the right direction.

6. Awkward is awesome.

My best friend says that The Office gave society a beautiful gift: the ability to embrace cringe. When you meet someone new and it’s slightly weird, pretend you’re Michael Scott. Just glory and bask in the discomfort.
You can awkward-proof your life by being bold: Ask for discounts. Ask for refunds. Ask for phone numbers. Ask for pay raises. Ask inappropriate questions at inappropriate times. Lather yourself in awkward and pretty soon nothing sticks.

7. Ambition is ruinous for your happiness.

Most goal-setters (myself included) live much of life in anticipation of tomorrow, and when that day arrives, they’re either disappointed by their failures or underwhelmed by their successes.
Instead: trust the process. Whiskey, pasta, bread, beer, and cereal all require just two ingredients — wheat and water — but the outcome is completely different based on the process. Identity precedes action. Determine what you want to be, then determine the process that will get you there every single time.

8. The Marines were right: slow is smooth, smooth is fast.

As teenagers, my friend Tyler and I were in a hurry to get somewhere quickly so we drove 120+ miles per hour for forty-five straight minutes before nearly crashing when the speed burned a footlong gash through the tire. By the time we replaced it with a spare, we were late to our destination by more than an hour.
But nevermind driving. Pump the life-brakes sometimes, or at least, let off the gas. You might get there faster.

9. Most “leaders” aren’t leaders.

Celebrities, politicians, and book-hocking business gurus all call themselves leaders. They’re not.
Real leadership is influence that serves. True leaders are selfless and servant-hearted. They put the best interests of others ahead of their own. Politics and media, by comparison, attracts sociopaths like flies to firelight. Never give power to those who seek it. Nearly everyone worth following is dead.

10. Old people know better.

Honoring our elders is one of the most underrated practices in our newness-obsessed society. Sure, there are a ton of old crazy far-right conspiracy theorists, but there are also good people who have survived four wars, six recessions, and twelve presidents and are somehow still smiling. Get to know them.
Also: meet your old-person self. I try to invent a new word every week — one of them is preflection. To ponder the present through the eyes of your future self. Take an hour in silence to listen to your eighty-year-old self. They might know something you don’t.

11. Fire all your employees.

The employer-employee relationship creates an unhealthy power dynamic between humans that simply didn’t exist when we worked cooperatively to feed our clan or village. I love my work life so much more now that I only work with independent entrepreneurs who are my equals. For me, it’s either a one-man show (my writing business), an equal partnership (my film company), or a co-operative endeavor. Life’s too short to be a boss or be bossed around.

12. Accept that you are a voracious locust of doom.

Nail a roll of paper to the wall and write down everything you consume for a year — food, toilet paper, electricity, car fuel, movies, music, social media content, other people’s time, everything. See what I mean?
Saint Augustine said that the human heart can only fully be satisfied by one thing aside from God himself: everything. All the sex, all the money, all the power, all the possessions, all the glory. All of it. Nothing short of everything could ever fully satiate the human heart. We are wired for more.
Understanding this truth is the first step toward real contentment.

13. Forget what the market wants.

Listen to your gut. Your body knows the difference between good and great. Someone said you should never record a song or code an app or write an article unless it makes you laugh, cry, or orgasm. If an idea doesn’t move you, it won’t move an audience, no matter how “commercial” you think it is.

14. Happiness isn’t the purpose of life.

Hitler really was following his bliss by offing millions of Jews. I’m sure Jeffrey Dahmer genuinely enjoyed the taste of human flesh. Bernie Madoff seemed content to bilk charities for decades.
Happiness isn’t the purpose of life. It’s not even in the top ten. Happiness is a seasonal fruit, not a foundational root. Find firm and fertile ground.

15. There is no ugly.

My grandpa re-proposed to my grandma on their fiftieth wedding anniversary and called her the most beautiful woman he’s ever known. Old wrinkly grandma? Yes. Because we choose our definition of beauty through our thoughts, disciplines, habits, and patterns, be they conscious or otherwise.

16. We are what we consume.

The statistical average American is a walking bodybag of sugar, alcohol, caffeine, porn, pills, and digital stimulus. Imagine how different life would be if our only inputs were nature, sleep, sunlight, organic food, and embodied human interaction?
Guard your inputs carefully.

17. We’re going to die quite soon.

Make sure you live first. Practicing memento mori will help.

18. Fame is poison.

One in four Gen Zers thinks they’ll be famous by age 25. One in 3.9999999 Gen Zers are going to have a miserably disappointing life.
Why do people desire the attention of strangers? Because we all need to love and be loved, to know and be known, but are too afraid to risk personal heartbreak to seek it out. Attention is not affection. Influence is not intimacy.

19. Boomers are to blame for half our troubles.

The Me Generation took a free ride at the planet’s expense and is hellbent on taking the rest of it with them. They’re statistically low on empathy — blame the lead, asbestos, and hairspray if you must — but at least acknowledge the reality that life is hard for everyone, and no one has it easier.

20. Children are dope.

Kids are the blood transfusion in our sick system. We need to stop manipulating, brainwashing, colonizing, and propagandizing them, and learn from them instead.

21. It doesn’t have to hurt.

Joy is a choice.

22. Watch comedy before calls and meetings.

Five minutes of gut-busting laughter will prime you for even the most tedious conference call. Your co-workers and customers all have tough lives like everybody else, so brighten their day by pre-brightening your own.

23. No ragrets.

Tattoo it on your neck. Most people play it far too safe. Instead: optimize your life for the least number of regrets and the most amount of selfless contribution.

24. There are better ways to vote.

I’ve manned several local voting stations, and I’ve also hob-nobbed with politicians in Canada, America, and the UK. The reality is that they don’t work for us. They work for their corporate sponsors and private interests.
Democracy isn’t dead. It just hasn’t happened yet, with all attempts to date being stillborn or aborted. Democracy = one voice one vote. Athens wasn’t a democracy — women, slaves, and tenants had zero say. America isn’t a democracy either — no representative system is, because it’s far too easy for private interests to buy politicians. The charade of voting is illusory. All elections are sham elections.
So what to do? Vote with your money and time and attention. One sham vote every four years versus tens of thousands of dollar-votes each year? It’s a no-brainer. My wife and I haven’t stepped foot in a Walmart in more than a decade because thousands of its suppliers are based in China, the billionaire heirs are anti-democratic tax-avoiders, and they treat their employees like indentured servants. Vote for pro-democracy third-party candidates if you must — just understand the game, and also vote in the ways that actually matter.

25. Everything easy has already been done.

So run a little further. And if it hasn’t been done, it won’t be as easy as it appears. The question to ask is: what’s been standing in the way this whole time? Achievement is all about knocking down obstacles. Just make sure what’s on the other side is rightly worth the effort.

26. Broccoli still tastes terrible.

But you’re not a child anymore. Adults do hard things.

27. Fixed-order scheduling > fixed-hour scheduling.

Discipline is great, but it’s also subject to the law of diminishing returns. Life is just too dynamic to schedule with military precision. Free yourself from the tyranny of “only people who wake up at 5 AM are successful.”
All hours are not created equal. It depends on your sleep drive and chronotype. Know yourself. Unapologetically get some sleep, then do your best work at your best time in your best state.

28. “Freedom” isn’t freedom.

America wasn’t founded on freedom. America was founded on violent autonomy.
The ancient Greeks had an entirely different definition of freedom: it was the ability to choose the right regardless of circumstance.

“We talk about freedom all the time, but we’ve stopped talking about freedom a long time ago. Now we’re talking about autonomy. Freedom is different than autonomy. Freedom has boundaries. Truth is one of those boundaries. And morality is one of those boundaries. Autonomy is the ability to do whatever you want whenever you want in whatever way you want. The problem is this: If I’m autonomous and another person is autonomous, and I have preferences and those matter more than the truth, and that person has preferences and their preferences matter more than the truth, when two autonomous preference-seeking beings come together and their preferences don’t match, who is going to win? If truth is on the bottom shelf, truth won’t decide. What will decide will be power. And isn’t it ironic that in our quest for “freedom”, someone gets enslaved?” — Abdu Murray

29. Grandma didn’t use toilet paper.

She used pages from the Sears catalog. Splinter-free wasn’t available until 1935. The Romans used sponges. The Greeks used clay. Francois Rabelais recommended using “the neck of a goose.” Arabians used their left hand.
Never assume our extremely unique cultural moment is “normal.”

30. The quest for wealth is destroying life.

We need a shared global vision. My invented word for it is benevitae: the sustainable flourishing of all creation. Our collective goal should be socioenviroeconomic sustainability. Where to start? We’d do well to let biology determine ecological sustainability and real democracy to determine economic fairness. Our current trajectory is worse than the Space Shuttle Challenger.

31. Ninety-nine isn’t enough.

Water boils at 100 degrees Celcius. The difference between 99 and 100 is the difference between zero and one. Not-boiling, boiling.
Corollary: 101 doesn’t make it any more boiling.

32. Divide-and-conquer is a business model.

Near the end of high school, dozen friends and I binge-watched multiple seasons of LOST in our friend Mike’s basement. It was one of the most hilarious, riotous, enjoyable experiences we had as a group.
And it was the last show we ever watched together.
People used to go to restaurants in large numbers, to the movies by the dozen, climbing over each other for one of the limited video game controllers, packing out our churches, cheering on our sports teams by the busload. We were almost never alone, and we were far happier. Now we order in, watch Netflix, stream Minecraft, catch the highlights, watch porn, and go to bed. It’s killing us.
Resist the urge to be alone. It’s too easy, and it’s the exact opposite of what we really need. The #1 thing that’s correlated to human happiness is human togetherness.

33. Self-improvement won’t save us.

The great lie of individualist-consumerist culture is that we can improve our way to personal perfection and communal utopia. But it’s incrementalism at best.
It’s just chasing infinity.

34. We know nothing +/-.

On the scale of all that is known, and all that is knowable, our individual understanding is essentially mathematically zero. The entirety of human knowledge is a rounding error.
This is the beginning of humility.

35. The sun is not on fire

This whole list began in Texas. I was at an observatory in the Davis Mountains and it was the first time I’d paid attention to astronomy since grade school. For three decades, I’d wrongly assumed the sun was a giant ball of flames.
But there’s no fire in space because there’s no oxygen in space. It just looks like fire because of how our eyes perceive light through the atmosphere and prism.
As I stared at the real-time image of the sun on the observatory wall, I nearly wept. The sun actually looks like a giant, boiling, grey brain. And then it hit me: I have so many assumptions to set aside and so much left to learn.
So pay attention. Don’t worship the “question everything” mantra, but instead spend your life seeking truth, and wisdom, and understanding.
You know what you need to do to get where you want to be.

I posted about being ghosted by my ex earlier today. I’ve put together some of the best resources and wisdom that I found on that lonely journey. Sorry it’s really long, but hope maybe bits of it help someone desperately searching for answers in the silence! x
TLDR: if you get ghosted, unless you’re violent or abusive it is a THEM thing, not you. Here are some insights that may help. The only (& most powerful) thing you can do is NC! DO NOT continually reach out.
Not texting someone back after one date is rude, but ghosting in a relationship is other level. Here are the key insights I discovered when it happened to me:
FIRSTLY

• The pain you’re feeling is valid. You’re not weak or crazy, it hurts BADLY. Some say it's a form of emotional punishment/torture. You can only control your actions. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. Let tears flow if you need to.
• As soon as it becomes apparent you’re being ghosted go NC. If you have been repeatedly reaching out, STOP it immediately. Forgive yourself if you cave at some point, try not to do it again.

HOPE / DISBELIEF

• You are still really HOPING initially that this is all a mistake and they’ll be in touch soon. With each passing day, hope turns toward despair. When the 1 week mark comes and goes, you are bewildered.
• With each small milestone you get a glimmer of hope: 'two weeks today since I heard anything, maybe today they'll reply' ... 'we had planned to be seeing each other today, surely they'll call' ... it's like a fresh dagger to the chest every time. You know they know. Yet silence.
• On some level you start to realise that if they came back now, and you took them back, that you wouldn’t be able to look yourself in the eye because what they’ve done is so disrespectful. But you still get those bursts of hope even though you try to be rational.

YOUR FEELINGS

• You are going through the stages of grieving a loss, with a bonus extra portion of denial. You get all the pain of rejection you get from having been dumped, but wait, have you actually been dumped or not? Is this just the silent treatment, or is it like silence forever?
• The lack of closure leads to feelings of abandoned. You feel disposable. Online articles say 'no answer is an answer' but frankly, I beg to differ, no it's not. Ok, you know you're not wanted, but they have left you in suspended animation.
• Breaking up is never fun, but ghosting further wastes your precious time by delaying your healing.
• You have all the symptoms of heartbreak, which also manifests as a physical pain, by the way - take a paracetamol (genuinely) and some CBD oil if that's your bag.
• You're suddenly deprived of the source of your happy hormones: their love, touch, texts. I suggest reading up on the chemical process that occurs in our bodies after a break up, and also about love addiction in case this applies to you. This article may help explain.
• How sudden this was adds to the pain. You probably feel blindsided. Maybe you had a minor disagreement, or maybe they just disappeared. Regardless of what precipitated it, you never imagined that that would have been the last time you’d hear from them. Never knew that had been the last kiss ..

REALITY CHECK

• You convince yourself that if they just came back, it’d stop the pain, you could just hug and make up. You crave this. Why don’t they want that?
• Now, listen: if they did come back, they will not be the same person that left. They will not be the same person they were in the beginning either. The second they chose to ghost you, the relationship irrevocably changed. That old version of them is gone now.
• For whatever reason, their mask has fallen. That is hard to accept, but: 'when someone shows you who they are - believe them’ - Maya Angelou.

WAS ANY OF IT REAL?

• Now this does not mean that your nice memories of them are false or that you didn’t share lovely times with them, in fact, I’m sure you did. People will say 'if they ghost you they were secretly really unhappy' and you may question whether they ever 'loved/cared/enjoyed you' at all or if they faked every second.
• The truth usually resides somewhere in the middle of the extremes.
• I'm sure they enjoyed themselves, a flake like them wouldn't have stuck around so long if they were getting no pleasure. However, something flipped for them internally. Maybe it was a culmination of small things, or one big unknown thing, we will never know. Even if they did speak to you again they probably wouldn't be honest. Maybe they aren't even capable of articulating it.
• Old them is a memory now though. They left you for dead, and you need to leave your fond perception of 'old them' (pre-ghosting) for dead too - grieve it. Old them is not coming back.

LET THE LACK OF HUMANITY SINK IN

• You used to share with them your happy news, they were also a sounding board? Not anymore. As with any ex, the source of your pain cannot be your source of comfort.
• They've let you know you're alone in this. Do yourself a favour and do not even message them to ask them for that bracelet you left at their place back. It will not illicit a response. They have wilfully noped out on all levels with no explanation.
• I had this epiphany at a certain point, up until the day before the ghosting, we were sleeping together: imagine I'd found out I was pregnant and I literally have no way of contacting him, simply because he's ignoring me. He doesn't give a damn about my health. Let that sink in. They can be tapping that one day, dust the next, no Fs given for your wellbeing.
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WHY DO GHOSTERS GHOST?

• What goes on in their mind when they choose to do this? Because make no mistake, it is a conscious choice. Just like NC is for us. They chose that line.
• Don’t they care how much this is hurting us? I would never leave a loved one hanging like this, so why would they do it to me? Taking responsibility for anything (other than their own selfish needs and desires) is not part of a ghoster's vernacular. They are cowardly too. Their sole modus operandi is their own comfort so if that means chucking you in the bin to avoid an awkward conversation, so be it.
• I read posts that said stuff like: ‘if a person cares they’d be in touch, he’s just not that into you’. I had been asking myself if he was truly indifferent about me - but how could that be, when that very morning pre-ghosting things had been good.
• Did I really never mean anything to him? To be able to brush me off like a piece of dust on his arm. It was unbearable to think my cuddly, sweet, intelligent man, who days before was massaging my feet while we chilled on the couch just ‘didn’t give a damn’ and 'wasn't into me'.
• Humans are complex, the psychology of a ghoster is not as simple as: 'don't care, what's their name again?' Perhaps it is when ghosting after a single date, or if just texting on a dating app with someone having never even met. But for those of us that get ghosted in the context of a relationship, after there's been lots of tiny (and big) intimate moments, it's fair to assume that the majority of ghosters DO feel. Give yourself some credit.
• In fact, it's likely their inability to manage and communicate whatever big feelings they are experiencing that leads to them ghosting. It may appear like their memory has been wiped, and they may indeed be adept at shutting down and compartmentalising, but they haven't forgotten your name or how good you smelled.
• To be clear, I am not trying to suggesting ghosters deserve compassion. I am saying this for you, the ghostee, to validate YOUR worth and impact.

DON'T SELF-BLAME

• I came to the conclusion that MY behaviour must have been so bad that I’d scared him in some way. I was so cut up. I had him on the pedestal - that old classic.
• I actually reached out to my ghoster to APOLOGISE and take the blame. I thought he'd come back to me if I took full responsibility (I truly believed I deserved it by this point).
• Turns out it wasn’t my fault... you can read my post about my ghosting experience if you’re curious, but suffice to say, the phone call may have precipitated the ghosting, but it wasn’t because I’d acted inappropriately - say it with me: THIS IS THEM, NOT YOU.
• Also, my apology message did not prompt him to contact me - he let me sit with the guilt he knew I was needlessly feeling. He could have set me free, but no. It probably gave him an ego boost, which I'm sure he enjoyed. At the least, it didn't make him uncomfortable enough to break his silence. When he eventually breadcrumbed me yesterday, he did apologise but he didn’t take full responsibility either.

WHAT TO DO?!

• Should I turn up at their door? I say this slightly tongue in cheek, but my god the thought crossed my mind so many times.
• I have a new level of sympathy for the ‘crazy’ things people do when heartbroken. At one point, I had to talk myself out of doing a drive by of his place, I was telling myself it would make me feel better. That I was 'worried' something bad had happened to him (I knew it hadn’t and he was online on WhatsApp a lot, yes I kept checking..)

CONFRONTING A GHOSTER - WHY NOT TO

• Remember the way they used to look at you and smile? That is NOT the look they will give you, if you have turned up uninvited.
• Don’t kid yourself they’d be pleased to see you, or receptive in any way. Their ghosting is not accidental. Save yourself that further heartache and embarrassment. It actually is better for the last visual memory of their face to be that last smile.
• There’s a good chance if you did go to confront them that they’d react like a hunted animal, retreat further or lash out. If they don’t threaten to call the police (not cute), they will probably get REALLY angry.
• Don’t convince yourself that they would never do that, because frankly, if they are capable of ghosting you, then they have a lot more simmering away in that brain of theirs than you knew about, whether you care to admit it or not.
• They have asked you (through their silence) for space - grant them their wish and go quietly. Disappear from their life and leave them with memories of all your goodness, not begging or insults, that do not show your best self. You owe this to yourself. This is not for them, it’s for you.
• They don’t want to be persuaded out of their decision to throw your love away. If you need to convince them of how great it was - I’m sorry, but it didn’t have a stable foundation.
• I am not saying for a second that you both didn’t have amazing chemistry. I’m not saying they weren’t loving, or that they didn’t enjoy their time with you. My ex deserves an Oscar for his performance of loving and caring bf right up until the point of ghosting.

CLOSURE

• Do not kid yourself that they can give you ‘closure’. We WISH they would, there’s a million ways they could, things they could say: but they are withholding that from you. Ghosters are withholders.
• You need to soothe yourself and I promise you can. It might not be a 'eureka' closure moment, in fact it probably won't be. I've had very dark thoughts and moments on this horrible journey but each day I get a bit better. You can do all sorts of symbolic things to help you process, there are lots of posts and articles on this. But only time will truly bring acceptance.

GHOSTERS ARE NOT THE FULL EMOTIONAL SHILLING

• The ghosting was not caused by something that was lacking in the relationship on your side, or something you could have given them. Yes, there is a missing piece, but it is within their heart and mind.
• Ghosting behaviour is symptomatic of them being broken / limited / stunted in their emotional intelligence or resources, which is actually pretty sad really. The only one that could heal them is THEM, by the way. Rarely they truly just are a bad, rotten egg, plain and simple.
• At this point the ghoster probably hasn’t even identified that they have an issue. If someone was receptive and willing to work on themselves, then that’s different. But some people will NEVER get to this point - so do not waste your love by sitting in their metaphorical waiting room hoping for them to have that epiphany.
• Whatever you do, don’t waste your time trying to educate them on your perception of their issues/the error of their ways. You might be bang on the money but you’re wasting your time and you’ll be met with more deafening silence.

GHOSTERS ARE FICKLE

• The ghoster has shown that they are a fair-weather friend. Imagine, down the line once you were yet more invested in them, if you got seriously sick, suffered a bereavement, lost your job, or became vulnerable, and had to rely on them in any way, and they freaking ghosted at that point? You deserve a person with broad enough shoulders to be in it with you 100%.
• Most people with traits that allow them to relationship ghost will never be ‘fully in it' with any person, so DO NOT do that mental gymnastics that equates them not being committed to your relationship with any reflection of a shortcoming on your personality/looks/behaviour etc.
• Some ghosters are just selfish, maybe they simply changed their mind and don't have the skills to be able to communicate that. Maybe they don't even know why. And sometimes the truth is so painful, it is better not shared (or so they convince themselves).
• It's not appropriate to rush to put labels on people, but on rare occasions maybe they do have narcissistic traits or are actually sociopaths. In which case you had a lucky escape, my friend. They went quietly (silently in fact lol).
• Your ghoster may have an avoidant attachment style. They may be emotionally unavailable even though they seemed incredibly loving. Perhaps they have a fear of commitment thrown in there too. They are possibly severely averse to conflict and go into 'shut down' when faced with conflict. This is an excellent resource to learn more.
• It is NOT your job to fix or educate the ghoster (or anyone) about themself. If it helps you to contextualise things by reading for your own education and awareness, it is a great idea, but don't share your ponderings on your ghoster’s psyche with them.

DESTINY MINDSET

• Some articles say that ghosters more often have a ‘destiny’ mindset as opposed to a growth mindset about relationships. If they believe in ‘the one’ and have ‘grass is greener syndrome’ too it could explain partly how they can just cut people off like that.
• People will these attributes will struggle to find contentment in a relationship. We all know there is no such thing as perfect. They keep fulfilling their own prophecy.
• According to this logic, the ghoster may have been secretly 'testing' you all along, and you didn’t know it. You might have unknowingly not been measuring up to some abstract idea they had in their mind, but they did not share this with you nor try to communicate to rectify it. You were never gonna win this one, because they aren’t playing fair. They were working to corroborate their own repeating narrative.
• If you didn't even know you were on trial, or that you’ve caused offence, how could you possibly even try to fix it.

NO COMMUNICATION SKILLS

• Ghosters have very poor communication skills. They could have come across as articulate, they might be highly educated, successful, able to verbalise plenty of loving feelings and have friends etc. But they have a deficit when it comes to their emotional communication.
• Respectful disagreements in relationships are healthy and should not END a relationship. Think back, was your ghoster a bit of a ‘yes man’ ?
• Were you able to have healthy and robust discussions about issues where your opinions diverged and you compromised? If not, this might be because they don’t have those emotional tools.

RUMINATING

• I read a lot of articles that say things like 'stop ruminating', 'move on'. But your brain needs to go through it's process. The silence leaves you with only the echo chamber of your mind and you will find your own way to cope. Yes, you can distract yourself, but it's unrealistic to expect that everyone can just 'snap out' of it.
• It's natural to puzzle, and think through the relationship, allow yourself to do it. This is a truly excellent article, what really stuck with me was the advice to run back through the relationship like a playbook, in your mind, pay attention, don't miss anything. Were there red flags? Even if you didn't notice them at the time, there might have been intuition moments that you dismissed, that you can identify if you take your time to reflect. What can you learn?
• This is about you healing and about you making healthier choices in the future. What happened is not your fault, but we need to level up.

IF THE GHOSTER REACHES OUT

• If they do eventually reach out, which they may not ever do (prepare yourself for that), you will be flooded by emotions. Pause for breath, minimum 24 hours, if you can bear it. Ideally stick to NC but if you must reply, keep it brief. Keep in mind that this is likely to be the last ever time you hear from them, they are a ghost after all.
• DO NOT prove them right (in their warped mind) by using this as a chance to blame/question them or give them a row. Frankly, what’s the point? They aren’t thinking of your feelings, they don't want your insight. They know they've been a toad. They haven’t cared enough about your feelings all along.
• A ghost reaching out (similar to any ex) is all about them, not about genuine concern for you - their ego, their conscience, maybe idle curiosity, maybe they got dumped by their side chick. They haven't suddenly realised what they've done and come to their senses.
• You remain dignified, you wish them well and you send them on their way. I repeat, in a brief message. No more than a couple of sentences. I don't care if they sent you a wall of text - they get bare minimum, if anything.
• If they’ve come back apologising you ‘accept it, wish you well. bye’. If you feel you want to, and if you feel they deserve it (they probably do NOT), throw in a ‘thanks for the nice times we shared’. You are the bigger person.
• You may be seething, but do not give them any access to your inner sanctum, that door is shut and locked to them. This is a long game, my friend, and the best revenge is your success and composure.
• You can sob and scream privately, but do not feed their ego by revealing your suffering to them.
• Being dignified, or better still not responding at all, will drive them more nuts/ intrigue them more than any wall of text. Plus, if you give an explosive/desperate response, you validate whatever (pathetic) ‘reasons’ they concocted for ghosting you in the first place .. and they’ll just ghost you again anyway!

You are loveable and you deserve an enduring love.

Best wishes and good luck.

Here are my recommendations of games that I played for the first time in 2020. S-tier games that have become my all-time favourites made this list. 2020 was the year where I finally realised which games I actively want to play and it’s made my gaming experiences so much more entertaining.
Here are also some games to completely avoid with exaggerated opinions. These are some of the worst games I’ve ever played, ranging anywhere from confusingly irredeemable to malignant, insulting games that are only holding back video games as an entertainment and art form, and hate you for playing them.
I’ve listed some better games at the end of each review as much better alternatives with similar gameplay or style. Please vehemently disagree with me in the comments
Best: Resident Evil 2 Resident Evil 2 has everything I want from an action game. The core gameplay of running around a police department, escaping fights with monsters and zombies while working out puzzles is Resident Evil’s thing, and Resident Evil 2 adds solid gunplay, meaningful weapon upgrades and rewarding items for putting in extra effort. I only missed one which required some backtracking near the end of the game, and realised that about 5 minutes after a point of no return. The Tyrant chasing you around adds a lot of flavour to the game, forcing you to adapt strategies and plans. Resident Evil 2 also has my personal distinction of being the only game I’ve ever finished twice back to back, finishing Leon and then Claire’s story in a week.
Resident Evil 7: Biohazard Take everything I said about Resident Evil 2, plus frightening horror that actually got to me at points, a better story, and a first person perspective that works incredibly well, and that’s what I have to say about Resident Evil 7. Absolutely the best in the series as it amplifies what makes the Resident Evil games so great while adding equally interesting new ideas. The Baker family’s grotesque transformations and gory boss fights are highlights, chainsawing an old man’s face and shotgunning a crazy old woman is the most fun I’ve had this year.
Bloodborne It’s between Bloodborne or Bioshock as my favourite game of all time. I fear that I could spend hours typing what fascinated me about this game, so I’ll save my collected thoughts for another post. Bloodborne’s world is captivating from beginning to end. It unravels as you gather insight on the desecrated city of Yharnam, learning about the Healing Church forsaking the city with its endless hunts. My character, a woman who has left her land after her family were slaughtered by the same beasthood that ravaged Yharnam, fit perfectly with the story, and even thematically mirrored a DLC character’s past. By the way, The Old Hunters DLC is the best DLC ever, no doubt. If you’re going to buy Bloodborne go with Game of the Year edition, it’s spectacular. Of course you don’t need the DLC to fully enjoy the game, but it adds an impressive amount of gameplay hours, new story that adds to the main story, the excellent Research Hall level, the most dramatic boss fight and a pizza cutter weapon. Bloodborne’s gameplay is equally as fascinating as the story, with a fast-paced almost fighting game style combat system, a nearly completely connected immersive world, expert level design, some of the best bosses in any video game, and terrifying difficulty. For many players, these may seem too much or ‘not for me’, (always disappointing to see people give up on the Souls games, but understandable given the lack of beginner friendliness), and I certainly felt the same way at first. When I learnt to persevere and actively focus on the game, quitting out whenever a mild inconvenience in real life happened, it became a joy to play. I had mastered and overcome a godly challenge. I’m pretty terrible at games generally, so I honestly feel proud that I managed to beat this game and the DLC. Bloodborne’s cathartic moments, its incredible story and the pure art of the game which can be captured in a screenshot, or the masterful soundtrack, are all why it’s likely my favourite game ever.
Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night Overlooked is an understatement. Made by the director of Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, this game is metroidvania almost perfected. Almost, as there’s some inconsistent game design towards the end with a specific puzzle, but that’s my only real criticism. It’s also a well deserved ‘fuck you’ to Konami, with a pachinko boss fight and David Hayter practically voicing Snake. Gameplay is excellent with intuitive dungeons, bonus areas, RPG-style weapon, skills and armour customisation, and some crushingly difficult bosses. If you want a rest from the main game, you can always return to the beginning town and complete quests - my favourite is making meals for a constantly hungry old woman, as you can later buy and use them for permanent stat boosts. Shamefully, I really liked dressing up Miriam, the main character anime girl. Messing around with her skin colour and unlocking hairstyles is worth the £20 alone. With free upcoming DLC, it’s a perfect patient gamer game.
Spec Ops: The Line Spec Ops: The Line is a perfect game. Many criticise the cover shooting, but it twists the generic mechanics into something amazing. In games such as Gears of War or Uncharted, taking cover is used to stop enemies shooting at you, reload, regen health, have a cup of tea or anything you can do while crouching. Spec Ops, however, puts you against relentless enemies who will suppress your fire when in cover and move to flank you, meaning you are forced to move and take damage, or work out a strategy with your teammates on the fly. It’s not deep strategy, but it really adds a new dimension to the game which sets it apart. The level design is excellent too, with plenty of memorable combat arenas like a decaying stadium, a destroyed luxury hotel, and an abandoned mall, which all go hand in hand with the story, which needs no introduction. Dubai has been wiped out by a sandstorm, and a rogue US army battalion led by your former leader and some civilians remain. Each level adds another piece to the PTSD puzzle, as you mow down hundreds of American soldiers who scream out in fear and panic as the game slow-motions their heads being destroyed by one of your bullets, while death rattles of wounded soldiers permeate the arena. Walker, voiced expertly by Nolan North, slowly changes over the course of the game as his honest, heroic decisions turn out to be, well, not very heroic. One of my favourite details in a video game is how his reload and command voice lines change the further you go into the game, as the weight of his task to rescue civilians and extract his mentor becomes unbearable. Even the main menu changes throughout the game, representing the entropy of the city. I haven’t tried the multiplayer as there’s no one online, but the fact it’s there makes me appreciate this game even more. Spec Ops: The Line is video games as a narrative experience exemplified perfectly.
Rayman Legends Incredible 2D platformer that removes many conventions (lives, starting a level over, time) and is better for it. Each level has depth with collectables that unlock new characters and levels, and side challenges. The highlight is the music stages, which remix songs to fit the world’s theme, and the platforming is based on rhythm. Disappointing to hear of Michel Ancel’s departure from Ubisoft, as that means we’ll likely never get a sequel. I sympathise with you, Beyond Good and Evil fans. Now if only Ubisoft executives could stop trying to mount every female in the workplace and work on another of these games (Seriously though, fuck Ubisoft for the sexual assaults and their PR coverups).
Mario Kart Wii I never owned a Wii as a child. It pained me to see all my friends play Wii Sports Resort and Super Mario, but one game in particular eluded me: Mario Kart Wii. The speed, the soundtrack, the plastic wheel you put over the Wiimote - I remember being captivated by it and wishing I could have a gaming experience like that in my own home. 12 years later, the Wii and Wii U have as much grasp on popular culture relevancy as Game of Thrones, which is the perfect time to buy an old console and a copy of this game. Mario Kart Wii is exactly as I remember. Coconut Mall, DK’s Snowboard Cross, battle mode, plus all the tracks my friends never unlocked make this one of my personal favourites. I debated putting it on this list as I’d find it hard to compare to a game like Bloodborne or Bioshock, but any game that creates the same childhood wonder in me is instantly going in my favourites list. Mario Kart Wii is fun racing with enough depth to get good at, and even more exciting playing it with friends. Especially when you’ve got a spiny shell.
Worst: Rise of the Tomb Raider Basically ‘ok’ can only last so long before becoming tedious. Rise of the Tomb Raider does nothing notable with its gameplay. Most egregious is the plot that’s basically stolen beat for beat from Uncharted 2: Among Thieves. Mountains, evil super-Russians, and annoying bullet sponge mythical enemies at the end (although they’re better than the bootleg Thanos’ you fight in U2, but basically anything is). Lara Croft is insufferable, she has no personality and grunts and shoots her way through every situation. Definitely the best of the worst list as I finished only this and Detroit but I really shouldn’t have wasted my time. Instead play Uncharted 2: Among Thieves
Saints Row Mid-2000s 50 Cent and Soulja Boy era hip hop aesthetics were always cringe. Saints Row goes for that materialistic objectify all women attitude without much irony and actually takes itself seriously. The beginning is every angry teenage white boy’s dream of various women trying to sleep with you, surviving a gang attack and then being recruited to this gang because they noticed you’re such a chad. I’m surprised he didn’t also win a rap battle against Eminem. It’s trying to be Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas with its satire and comedy, but it ends up being cringy rather than funny when you’re listening to the stereotypical camp gay guy shouting down the radio without any smart jokes or wordplay. The game also runs terribly, even on my original Xbox One. I’m really hoping the other games in this series are as good as everyone says, and this is only a false start. Instead play Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare I imagine the pitch for this game was ‘Consumers didn’t like consuming the new Halo’s that they’ve consumed. Anyway, fellow executive, how will we make consumers consume another Call of Duty?’ ‘Let’s make the consumers consume Call of Duty while ripping off Halo down to the weapon and ship designs and promise a sci-fi experience with 2016 relevant celebrities and the usual passionless gameplay, and completely break the multiplayer with pay-to-win weapons. That way we can consume all of the disappointed Halo consumers’ money plus the yearly sycophants’ who’ll buy our games every year anyway. Wanna test our brand loyalty by releasing the worst trailer ever?’ Instead play Halo 4
Call of Duty: Black Ops 4 malignant and represents the worst of ‘live service’ microtransaction lootbox fuelled games. Literally a pay to win £50 (70 USD) game with overpowered weapons only in lootboxes that Activision promised not to include, no campaign and another cringy comedy zombies mode. Fuck this game and fuck Activision. I hope the executives’ spoilt and probably racist children are happy with the money they’ve got from gambling addicts. Instead play Doom Eternal
Detroit: Become Human malignant and represents the worst of emotional story-driven artistic pretentious wank games. Horrible storytelling about racism and abuse, no interesting or likeable characters, nonsensical plot twists and unbelievably miserable forced drama. Obvious and rudimentary observations about complex and incredibly serious social issues are constant. It feels exploitative and contrived to see humans try to rape and murder the harmless androids when in the game’s own context it makes no sense. I’m really sick of seeing this stuff in games and films, the obvious contrivances like stabbing a pregnant woman in the Last of Us by accident, ‘Now you must hate her, audience!’ Terrible writing. If you don’t make the choices the game wants you to make you’re railroaded until you play the game ‘properly’, so your choices mean nothing. I chose not to rescue a character who explicitly hated me because I was an android, which locked me out of a good (relative) ending, because your choices affect a good ending/bad ending binary system. Not playing the game the way David Cage wants you to? Bad ending, though the ‘good’ endings are equally poorly written. While I did actually finish the game, it is absolutely NOT representative of how much I enjoyed it compared to the others on this list. I only stuck around to the ending because my friends constantly recommended it, and because of the praise from reviewers desperate to give any high profile game a positive review if it increases their chances of working for a game company. See this year’s Game Awards as perfect example. David Cage has no ideas that aren’t already from much better movies, the talentless misogynist. I’m pretty sure he ripped the narrative straight out of Humans, a 2015-2018 UK TV show from the few scenes I’ve seen from it. At least Kojima makes good games when he steals from movies, and dubiously sexualises women. Instead play Batman and Batman: The Enemy Within (and watch Seven, Memento, Blade Runner and Blade Runner 2049)
Aliens: Colonial Marines it’s awful, but I’ll still take this over Black Ops 4 or The Division. Every level has basic and boring corridors with broken AI targets to shoot. I gave up after a broken stealth section. Pretty funny to watch, though. Instead play Doom
Knack memes aside, Knack sucks. Broken combat where every enemy is so vastly more powerful than you, no real combos in a beat ‘em up, strange Lego knockoff character designs. I can’t wait to play Knack 2 after I’ve finished literally every other game in existence Instead play Lego Marvel Super Heroes and Lego Star Wars: The Complete Saga
Dragon Ball Final Bout No idea why I played this, I don’t even like Dragon Ball. Anyway, it’s unplayable due to the abysmal controls Instead play Tekken 3
Wii Music Nintendo are pretty cool, but not free from making terrible games. Wii Music has no real gameplay. As soon as you put in the disc, you’ve won the game. Waving the Wiimote around without any rhythm or skill gets you through every song in the limited track list, which lacks any Killing in the Names or Through the Fire and the Flames(s). No fun at all, and especially disappointing from Nintendo. Instead play Tetris Effect: Connected
Tunnel B1 obscure mid-90s game. The colour brown. Best left forgotten. Instead play Star Wars Battlefront II
Tom Clancy’s The Division The Division proves that the gaming industry is often going backwards. It has less gameplay than Gears of War, another third-person cover shooter from 2006, released ten years before the Division. Even basic enemies are bullet sponges, meaning every encounter is hiding behind a chest high wall and waiting to unload 30 more rounds into them. The story is completely tone deaf and idiotic with a huge disconnect from the gameplay. If you’re a highly skilled operative why is one random thug so much more powerful than you? One of the most infuriating, lazy ways of designing combat, the anti-power trip. Life-wasting Ubisoft hollowness. At least I didn’t waste a weekend, as you can see all the game has to offer in about 4 hours. Instead play Spec Ops: The Line

Hi everyone, this is my first contribution to HobbyDrama, I hope this is an entertaining read and also to the community's standards. Let's go!!
Brief glossary before we begin (and some foreshadowing)
MMORPG: massively multiplayer online role-playing game, MMO for short. A videogame genre that generally invites hundreds, or up to thousands, of players to share a space. Depending on the game, anything from general adventure to large-scale war to economy and politics can be simulated. I find it hard to believe that anyone reading this could possibly not know what this is but it's included anyway.
Electro-convulsive therapy: ECT for short, it is a form of treatment where electrodes are "carefully" hooked up to a person's head and a "precise" level of electric shock is delivered, in order to treat major psychiatric disorders. Developed in 1938 when most psychiatric treatments was in their infancy, it is still used today occasionally for serious cases of depression, mania, or psychoses. In its early days however, there were widespread claims of abuse associated with its use.
Pt1: The Root of all that is bullshit
Zhengtu Online (hereafter referred to as ZT) was an immensely popular MMORPG that was developed in China and primarily served a Chinese playerbase. Released in 2006, at its peak it boasted more 2 million players, which while not particularly impressive relative to World of Warcraft (8mil worldwide at the same time), was a truly insane amount of success in a gaming scene that was very much in its embryonic stage.
The game itself was an unimpressive Diablo-style top down fantasy setting, and its gameplay loop primarily revolved around improving your ability to kill various things, but what made it special was the overarching metagame: every player population (sharing a server) was divided into 10 kingdoms. Kings and generals were all individual players, and they dictated politics to their neighbors--primarily in the form of initiating player-vs-player (or PVP) warfare.
Most contemporary MMOs had an upfront price plus a monthly subscription fee. In China, such pricing models were mostly replaced by paying oney for a set amount of ingame playing time. Unlike all of them, ZT was completely free to play (F2P).
Free to play, however, meant pay-to-win: the best weapons and armor, and even leveling up your character, needed you to pay real money. Since so much of the game was focused on PVP, it also created an eternal arms race between players, each paying for the privilege of not being evaporated by a high level enemy.
The way they did this was unique at the time. While F2P online games had already seen their rise in South Korea, equipment was generally priced explicitly via in-game currency and bought in virtual shops. ZT fused this with the sweet, sweet taste of gambling: gear in the game was primarily obtained in loot boxes, and you had to pay for keys to open them.
It needs to be emphasized that gambling of any kind was illegal in China, but, in an eerie parallel of American CEOS in the future, ZT's developers said it wasn't gambling because, well, you weren't getting your money back.
By combining this with multiple other exploitative practices, such as providing a small amount of premium currency like a casino giving you a free bet on the house, or awarding special items to the player with the highest number of lootboxes opened in a day, ZT was making money like taking candy from a candy-hating baby, and made gaming history.
As far as what this means for gamers, this was Eve giving Adam the apple, Oppenhemier splitting the atom, Prometheus stealing fire, Caesar crossing the Rubicon, and goddamn Helen Keller signing "water".
If you play any kind of videogames today, you've stepped through the long shadow that ZT had cast. Zynga (developers of Farmville) would be founded in 2007 and focused exclusively on free games with real-money integration. Lootboxes made it into Team Fortress 2 in 2010, one of the first major western-developed games to include them.
Similar mechanics (with varying degrees of exploitative practices) came to FIFA in 2010, Mass Effect 3 in 2012, Counter-Strike in 2013, League of Legends in 2016, and NBA 2K in 2017, infecting every genre of gaming under the sun, including the most popular MMO, World of Warcraft. As an aside, corporate defense of lootboxes in Star Wars Battlefront II also led to the most downvoted Reddit comment of all time.
Finally someone speaks out
The System, an article published in the Chinese newspaper Southern Weekly in 2007, was a hard-hitting expose on the exploitive practices of ZT. It chronicled the rise and fall of a gamer who accidentally becomes the monarch of one of these in-game Kingdoms, her addiction to the game, and final disillusionment when she realized that in-game player behaviour was being explicitly manipulated by its designers for the purpose of creating addicts and selling more lootbox keys.
The whole article is worth a read, even if it is sensationalist in a way that immediately tells you the writer was clearly a failed novelist of some kind - describing virtual destruction with the kind of prose most people would consider and then discard for a gang rape, for starters. But it had gotten its point across. It created an explosive backlash against the game in China, and was even translated into English and propagated across gaming forums.
The fallout
In an act of censorship usually reserved for the CCP government, this article--including its English translation--began to be scrubbed from the internet, with speculation pointing to the immensely powerful CEO behind ZT. I mean, who else could it be, right?
This article would light the fire of China's first moral panic regarding videogames. In its wake, swift legislation would be enacted regarding internet gaming addiction as well as online proxy gambling. ZT would heed the new laws and remove its lootbox mechanics in the following years and many other similar games followed suit.
Most tragically, the panic (which, to be fair, was fueled by a very real problem) allowed unscrupulous characters such as Yang Yongxin, vice chairman of a hospital in Shandong province, to create "internet addiction centres". With its legitimacy established by a docuseries ("Fighting the Internet Monster") on the state-run television channel CCTV, these centres charged terrified parents exorbitant prices in order to keep teens by force in, essentially, private hospitals and asylums, subjecting them to inhumane conditions and abusive ECT in order to "cure" them of their disease. It was estimated that Yang earned the equivalent of more than $6million USD from his addiction centre in the short space of 2 years. While his centre was eventually closed by state order, he received no punishment of any kind.
As for ZT, it limped on until 2018. A mobile game reboot was made in 2015. A tie-in fantasy movie was released in 2020. it was not very good.
~~~~~~
Addendum: how we got here: Of Mice and levers
In the 1950s, an American scientist named BF Skinner discovered the following: when mouse is put in a box with a small lever that, when pressed, dispenses a food pellet, they will quickly learn to start pressing on the lever as fast as possible. If you then stop the food from dispensing, the mouse will lose interest quickly after pressing a few times and seeing no food coming out.
If, however, you hooked up the lever to dispense food at random intervals, the mouse will be practically glued to the lever and hammer on it nonstop, sometimes long after they become full, and long after any food has been dispensed.
This discovery, known as variable outcome operant conditioning, formed the foundation of our understanding of addiction and gambling. Skinner would go on to try and fail to make bombs guided by pigeons, but we're not interested in that here. His research tool--the Skinner Box--would become a descriptor you may have come across when discussing exploitive game mechanics.
Summary
Once upon a time, a game combined the random outcome of videogaming with real-money gambling. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

(Reading time: at least 15 minutes)
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I speak from experience. I'm one of those people who lacks what the average person would call confidence. I never really understood why until recently I found myself unable to sleep one night (a fairly common occurrence in my life). Life is full of seemingly paradoxical bits of advice. To get to sleep in life, switch your computer or phone off a full hour before bed, in fact don't do anything. Unless of course you've been in bed for two hours and still aren't asleep. Now the advice becomes "go and do something". For better or for worse, I switched the light on and found myself reaching for my phone. YouTube, incognito, just show me something random. Somewhere on that first page was Jordan Peterson talking about predators (the human to human kind), and how most people are - despite their parent's best intentions - taught to do completely the wrong thing. It piqued my curiosity just enough to give it a watch. I already think my mum tried her best in life, but ultimately got a lot of stuff wrong, so could this be one more thing?
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From the quick snippet from one of his lectures, I get the impression, that yes, she probably did do the wrong - according to Peterson's hypothesis anyway. He talks about how kids are taught to be afraid of strangers - "stranger danger". If you see a stranger, be scared of them! They're evil nasty people, who are much bigger and stronger than you are. The only thing you can do is run away - but don't run. You need to look brave, so instead, calmly walk away. I can't remember exactly what I was taught by own mum (single mum at that), but it was something along these lines. The more I look into this, it seems a lot of single mothers teach their kids this despite the fact it's completely wrong.
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Firstly, let's take Peterson's view on this. An actual predator knows how to put a scared kid at ease - this is exactly who they want as a target. If you ran away screaming like a lunatic who'd escaped the local asylum, the predator would run in the opposite direction. That noise attracts attention that they don't want! However if you try to be brave, stay calm, quiet and don't create a ruckus, the whole incident has a better chance of going off unnoticed. For as long as no one's looking, your predator has time to soften you up, and make you believe they're friendly, and as mentioned before: they're good at this (verging on being an expert at this particular craft).
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Now I'll start to add my own input to this based on my own upbringing. Not only have I now been thoroughly taught to be afraid of strangers, but what exactly is a stranger? Is it a big tall six foot tall man, who hasn't seen you before and thus shouldn't be talking to you, until your mum's introduced you to him? Or is it just anyone you've never met before in your life? Even other three year olds? I don't really have many memories of myself being a three year old. I remember being taken to a play group at a local methodist church. I have memories of myself in there, but no memories of actually playing with anything or anyone if that makes sense? I must've done something while I was there, she wouldn't have taken me every week if I just stood there and did nothing. However I have no memories of playing with anyone, which I know most kids would do. Up until I watched this Peterson video, I'd always assumed that I'd tried, and that for reasons I either don't remember (or they just never gave in the first place), they didn't want me.
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When you're trying to analyze your life thirty years down the line, to have worked out that I was rejected for no reason whatsoever isn't particularly helpful. There's not really much I can do with that. I can't improve my own life with that, neither can I realistically prevent other people making the same mistakes I did. After all, what use is it to tell people "Above all else, make sure you never do nothing wrong" Once you've got your head around resolving the double-negative to mean "Above all else, make sure you're not perfect", the person I've just given the advice to will be left scratching their head. "Not perfect?"
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Peterson's video gave me a new possibility. One I'll probably never be able to prove, but a new possibility all the same. What if they didn't reject me? Even worse: Is it at all possible that other kids did try to befriend me? With me - following my stranger danger - training, walked away from this danger I'd been warned about? Worryingly, I think it actually is possible. Time machines don't exist so I'll never know, but I really can't discount this possibility.
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When I started nursery (in the US you call this is Pre-K - name aside, they're functionally identical), it was the same situation: I can't really describe anyone there or anything I particularly did there, but I can tell you I didn't have any friends there either. Except of course for my brother. Twin brother as it happens - and yes, and most will figure out, but amazingly some people still struggle with this, we're non-identical (we pretty much couldn't be any less identical from a physical perspective). Some people still associate twins as being the same sex, when with dizygotic twins, opposite sex is just as common as same sex. Anyway, he was the only other kid I'd play with. If ever I was missing, the staff knew to look in the "phone booths". Not real ones of course, just two booths with wooden block handsets in each. Each ear piece was hose pipe'd to the mouth of the other - It was 1989, the idea of giving kids real phones was unheard of. I wouldn't play with anyone else though. Again, I don't know if that was down to them or down to me.
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By the Autumn of 1991, I was now starting school. If you're in the US, you've probably already correctly linked this being Kindergarten - the only difference is that here in the UK, you start school in the same as your fifth birthday - not your sixth, we start school a year earlier here -- also completely off topic, but when I was that age, you were allowed to leave school at 16. I don't know if Tony Blair's Labour government changed that, or if it was just something they really wanted to change, but in any case, I got out of that hellish part of my life at 16 in 2003 - not a day too soon. Back to my first days. More of the same I'm afraid. I can't remember too much about the early days - where the first impressions that count would've been. Again, I've always thought that I surely must've tried to be friends with other kids, only for them to point blank refuse. Once again though, it's possible they did try and in fact it was me who snubbed them.
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This possibility actually wouldn't surprise me. Throughout the years as I get a little bit older, and thus better at retaining and recalling things I've been taught, I can definitely recall that we absolutely weren't allowed to play outside except for our own garden, which would've been no more than 20 foot wide and 20 foot long. Firstly we lived in a bit of a bad spot for road safety. Two A-roads: one on the front, one on the back, both with double yellow lines. If you're not from the UK, and don't know our road markings, the yellow line in the gutter means you can't park here (single lines are between the times shown, double lines indicate it's a 24/7 restriction). We've got two quarter-mile stretches of road where no one can park. It's a 30 mph limit, but we regularly saw people in the 40s and 50s, and we've even caught a 72 at one point on one of those "your speed is" electronic signs. Two little kids without much road sense playing in a tiny little area, barely 1/10 mile long and 1/10 mile wide before we're on one of these two roads.
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Mum saw a potential danger and protected us from it. I'm not faulting her for that, but it begs the question, why did she not take us over the road to other kids houses where we could then play in relative safety? You probably already guessed, there's a little more to it. The other kids in the area were what my mum considered the worst thing a person could ever be... "Common". She grew up in an upper-middle family. Six bed fully detached house with a garden all the way around the property, except for the front which could only be described as a parking lot. You could easily fit 20 cars in there, like how many cars did they expect to have visiting them??? She ran away from that life aged 17 because her family, whilst wealthy, wouldn't buy her anything except bare essentials, instead insisted she get a job and buy her own things. She married a builder in protest just to get one over on her rich parents.
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However that was a decision that would affect her own kids (us) in the long run. She wanted a nice house in a nice area, it would've cost £8,000 in 1972, instead her husband talked her into buying a cheap house in a cheap part of town four miles away for just under £5,000. This area was full of common people. I can only assume she intended to trade her way up the property ladder to somewhere else. She wanted a four bed semi, but ended up with a three bed terrace, which would in time become a two bed when the downstairs bathroom was moved upstairs, swallowing up the smallest bedroom in the process. To make matters worse for her, four months after we were born, she threw him out. He'd been caught having an affair with a woman half his age who worked at Kwik Save! The cheating would've been bad enough on its own, but with someone who works in a discount supermarket?! I can only imagine her reaction.
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She was now firmly stuck in an area she didn't like, didn't want to be in, couldn't afford to move away from, was full of commoners, and had two dangerous main roads, meaning we weren't allowed out. I'm sure she did what she thought was best, but ultimately, what she actually did was completely isolate us. So when we went to school not only did we have no real friends for one reason or another, but also, I seem to distinctly remember being taught that I was better than everyone else. I don't know if I was taught this as a response to having no friends, or if I was taught this first. I don't really think I've got enough information to figure it out either way. It's possible that she tried to reassure me with something along the lines of "Awww, don't get upset! Don't worry about not being friends with those kids, you're better than them anyway". What I can say with absolute certainty is that if I've got no friends, and I then proceed to walk around feeling like I'm better than everyone else, it's only going to make the problem worse.
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Anyway, when we were 11, she might've thought the bad years were finally over, and that we'd finally made it in life. We got accepted in a grammar school. A state operated, free to attend one (she couldn't have afforded one set of fees, let alone two at the same time). It didn't matter that it wasn't one of the prestigious, highly coveted private school ones, a grammar school was a grammar school - infinitely better than those secondary moderns (or comprehensives, or whatever it was they were called by 1998). Finally we'd be among other middle class kids! Never mind the fact we could barely afford the school dinners and we didn't even qualify for free ones because she wasn't claiming one of the correct state benefit handouts. I have a better recollection of this first day, although even it's pretty patchy... I remember being nervous as hell. I'd never had friends before, and worse, I didn't really have anything in common with any of these kids.
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The biggest standout for me was the most of these kids all came from well off families - they all had phones. Back at this time, phones still had monophonic ringtones, in fact, the big breakthrough of the day was that they had a screen! They had a much shorter fixed antenna that you didn't have to extend to improve the voice quality, and you could send text messages silently to each other without your teacher knowing! It didn't matter which phone you had, they all had this identically groundbreaking functionality, all that mattered was that you had one at all... Not only did I not have one, but also I didn't really have any money to join the other kids in the mall after school. Also, I'm very nearsighted, something like 20/50, and school was 7 miles away from home. I had to go home with my brother because he could read the number on the bus at long range. I couldn't, so I'd have to flag every bus down until it was a couple of feet away, and then wave it on. Bus drivers would think I was doing it on purpose and eventually just wouldn't stop for me. Or at least, this is what scared and timid little me was terrified of. What I now understand in my mid 30's, is that to have real friends, you have to be friends with people outside of school/work, and I didn't, for what I always believed were factors beyond my control.
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Also, a concept I'm sure is familiar across high schools all around the world. In those first few weeks everyone's sizing each other trying to determine a pecking order. The one place you don't want to be is last place. Last place is often the first to be decided. Whoever gets picked on first is probably in last place, and no one wants to let you of out of, because they then might take your place. Who's mouth do you suppose lent them the nickname rat face within the first two hours of high school? Strange concept isn't it: the one kids who never had friends before and had something visibly undesirable about them was first to be kicked down in the metaphorical sense. The idea of "just be confident" got a real kickdown here. Nervous as I was when I got through those gates and slowly waddled over to my first ever classroom, I bravely did it anyway. How pathetic would it have been if I'd hid in the toilet? To be honest, I doubt it would have been any better or worse. Rat face would still have been discovered when I was found and dragged into my classroom, and now I would've shown people that I haven't even got the confidence to face the crowd in the first place. So, having never been shown how to be confident: I came, I tried, and I failed spectacularly. The remaining five years never really saw anything improve.
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In fact in many ways, high school was worse than junior school. At least towards the end of junior school, the sporting side of had started to come out. I couldn't play football, but I could play most other sports reasonably well towards the end of junior school, to the point where I wasn't even the last pick any more - a world apart from my early days. It was as if I'd found my calling in life, especially in my last year of junior when during a game of rounders (which is like a British take on softball), the teacher bowled the ball to me, and called "no ball" while it was in flight. I almost never hit anything that was bowled at me, and those I did landed inches from my feet. Not this time though. There was a loud "thwack!" and it flew away. We had a rule where if you shouted the word "taken" on a no-ball, it became live. I'd never hit a ball like this before, so I took it and cleared all the bases. You could see the respect in the eyes of the other kids for having done it - guess I wasn't this loser they thought I was after all? Shame it was like June and we only had a couple of weeks left of our final year.
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No one else in our junior school went to this grammar school, and of course, being a grammar school, sports weren't really an emphasis here. Sports were always seen as being for stupid people. Indeed, I was in all the bottom sets, but thanks to this snobbish mind set, I was determined not to be thought of as stupid, and so the only thing I was ever any good at would take a back seat. There was no respect gaining moment to be found in subjects like English, maths and science. It sounds obvious now, but respect is usually gained from skills and abilities - something you can do that few others can. What skill do you need to read a poem or solve an equation? Especially when everyone at this skill is almost equally good at these subjects, where's the distinction? What separates you from others? If ever any type of school was like a mass production line, that produces thousands of identical clones, it's surely a state run grammar school. Private schools at least have extra curricular activities - state schools, usually not.
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It's got me thinking. Where does confidence ultimately derive from? If you ask me, it's personal skills and abilities, especially ones that aren't universal. You got the top grade in English? Gee whizz, go write a poem or something... You can shoot a three pointer from beyond the center court line? Oooh, watch people eyes open up nice and wide when you can do something like that. In my life I was always taught that being smart would make me the envy of the world. In reality, I think that might only be even slightly true if you've got a natural aptitude for it. For someone like me though, it's very obvious that all I was doing was pretending to be someone I'm not, and that's never admirable. But right from the first real memories I ever had, this is all I can ever remember. "You're really clever", "you're better than them", "you're going to be rich one day", "you're going to be their boss one day". It's not that healthy competition is a bad thing. From the sports I played when I was younger - you win some, you lose some, but you still sake the other teams hands. All I've ever seen from my own mum though is the idea that if we win, we cheer - and if we lose, we sneer. I don't behave like that now, and haven't done for as long as I can remember, but it eats away at me, recently discovering the possibility that in the crucial formative years that I can't remember, I could've been robotically following her training.
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So how do I be confident now? It's something I've made leaps and bounds of progress over the last ten years, but it's still far from complete. There's more to it than just "don't be scared". I imagine this like a switch on a hairdryer with three positions, but with a difference. Instead of it being 0,1,2 it's actually 1,0,2. In that middle state it's off, switch it left and it's cold, switch it right and it's hot. In this analogy, left is scared, middle is off, right is brave. As you see, there's no confidence on that switch, but the idea of "don't be scared" could leave some people to leaving the switch in the middle. In reality, it's got to go to the right, but that's only part of the puzzle. There are other switches, and only the correct combination across all the switches will result in confidence. Bravery is just one component. Another is following your own heart, and not doing what I did in my early years, which was try to impress my mum. I couldn't be who she wanted me to be, and so she was only ever going to be let down by that. When I was growing up, I felt like I owed it to her, but in reality, I owe her nothing. The fact that I can't be who she desperately wanted me to be is her problem, not mine. I used to feel guilty about this, when I was a kid, but not any more.
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To anyone who's still trying to live up to their parents' expectations like I was. All I can say is: statistically, it's unlikely to happen. Perhaps it'd be better to let them down gently earlier on and focus on yourself now? Otherwise you'll lose years of your life, until things eventually come crashing down on you, and it'll force you into a corner. Now you won't be able to (in a manner of speaking) "come out on your own terms", you'll have to react in the heat of the moment, explaining why you've (in their eyes) "failed", and to make matters worse, there'll be no sign of any significant progress elsewhere in your life to explain it away.
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To wrap up a fairly long exploration of the early years of my life, looking into where my lack of confidence might've come from, I do think Jordan Peterson might be have a point, and I'd like to see more research on it. Teaching kids to be afraid of strangers might have the unintentional side effect of making them scared of everyone. Made worse by the fact predators know how to overcome scared kids anyway. Literally nothing good comes from it. It's certainly a possibility from what I can piece together of my own life. It probably isn't the only cause, but I think in my case, when that was coupled with a mum who thought she was better than anyone else. Who sneered at everyone else on her way up, and continued sneering at everyone else on her way back down. I think the two could have formed a disastrous cocktail. I do wonder how many other FA's have similar backgrounds. Overprotective parents (usually mothers) who inadvertently taught them to be scared of everyone in their attempt to keep us away from dangerous people?
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I got back into fitness a few years ago based on my own love of it as a child, and whilst it's not been a magic bullet, things have improved massively. I'd put it down to the fact that I'm taking charge of my own life rather than accepting what my mum dictates to me. I've felt felt my confidence grow, and whilst that hasn't yet translated into anything, and I've still got my rat face, that doesn't mean the confidence isn't there. All I can do is continue to water that flower, of which my own personal interest (fitness) was the seeds.
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To close, a quote from my own text that I think you might like:

All I was doing was pretending to be someone I'm not, and that's never admirable.

Perhaps you'll also like

to have real friends, you have to be friends with people outside of school/work, and I didn't, for what I always believed were factors beyond my control.

Section 0: Background
Hi everyone! I’m trying to tailor this a bit more to reflect the UK Money Diary style where I give context on the week before and reflect on it after. I also added in some of the questions from the recent thread about what Refinery29 should ask diarists (see here).
I wrote this the week of Thanksgiving; my partner and I stayed in NYC instead of going home to either of our parents’ homes. We wear masks and stay socially distant when we leave the house. I’m thankful that we live close to a park and live on a block where we know and enjoy talking to our neighbors.
This was a relatively normal week for us during a pandemic, save for me spending a bit more than normal and it being Thanksgiving. We’ve both lived in the city since college and have so-so relationships with our families, so we didn’t leave for “home” when the pandemic hit.
I also just named my boyfriend instead of giving him an initial. He’s the only person I actually saw this week, but the initials always throw me off when I read these.
What do money and success mean to you? What are your end goals?
It helps me to see money as a tool. I never resonate with people who say “money doesn’t buy happiness” because to a certain degree, it does. Money enables me to live the life I want.
I’m pursuing FIRE (financial independence, retire early) and hope to be financially independent (able to live off my investments) by my early 30s. To do so, I save 60%+ of my income per month. I want this because working for 40 years isn’t sustainable for me—I have a very cushy tech job and still get anxiety and rage about waking up every morning to work, the rat race, and being paid inequitably to male peers. I’d like to give myself the option to leave this world as soon as possible.
As an alternative, I could see myself successful if I open a product consultancy, where I advise early-stage startups on product management, what to build for their MVP, and product-market fit. I’m really interested in tech ethics and the questionable practices in venture capital, so I’d love to be in a place where I could be picky about what clients I take and help truly mission-driven businesses thrive. I could see this also working as a small business incubator—why not apply what works in startups to small businesses?
I don’t yet have a firm picture of what I’d like my life to look like when I retire. I’m interested in spending a lot of time reading, traveling to new places for extended periods of time, and potentially writing a book. I get extremely interested in niche topics. Right now if I had to guess, I’d be writing a book about the ways multi-level marketing companies (MLMs) manipulate women.
Are you a spender or a saver?
Definitely a saver. My partner is more of a spender, and we’ve influenced each other well. Seeing him spend money on himself for video games helps me realize I can spend more money on myself for things I just want (see my big purchase for myself this week).
In turn, seeing me save a lot of money has motivated him to up his 401k contribution and overall savings. He’s also interested in FIRE, although I’d say my timeline is more aggressive.
If you could go back in time, what's the one piece of financial advice you would give to your past self?
Learn about investing, look up the terms you don’t know, and start doing it as soon as possible. Ask questions to people you know or on the internet.
On to the diary!
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Section One: Assets and Debt
Investment Balance
$131,175

• Retirement (includes 2 company 401ks and 1 rollover IRA): $55,730
• Brokerage: $27,233
• Roth IRA: $25,439
• Managed account: $17,923
• HSA: $4,850

Equity if you're a homeowner
N/A, I rent in a HCOL city. No plans to own anytime soon
Savings account balance
$10,270
Checking account balance
$3,433 in checking account for bills

• This fluctuates, but I try to invest anything over $2k. I’m pretty conservative with my checking account buffer, and don’t worry much about the interest I’m “losing,” especially because interest rates are so low right now

$2,518 in checking account for rent

• I keep a holdover account that’s connected to Venmo and Zelle to pay rent

Credit card debt
N/A. There’s $1,348 currently on my credit cards, but I pay them all off in full each month. My parents signed me up for a credit card as soon as I was old enough and taught me about how important it was to pay in full. In fact, I think this was so hammered into my brain that doing anything other than that each month was never an option. Because of this, I’ve always thought of credit cards as similar to debit cards—only spend money you have.
Student loan debt (for what degree)
I was fortunate to go to college on a full scholarship, including living expenses. I studied psychology and sociology, and I graduated without any student loan debt.
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Section Two: Income
Main Job Monthly Take Home: $6,570/month
I maxed out my 401k early this year, so for 8 months I was contributing $2,500/month out of my paychecks. That ended in September, so it changed my monthly take-home from about $4,650 to $6,570/month.
Deductions:

• 401k: $0/month (was $2,500/month)
• Medical: $128/month
• Dental and vision: $11/month

Income Progression

• I started in customer support right out of college, making $40,000/year + overtime, which ended up being about $52,000/year (thanks OT!).
• About a year later, I moved into an entry-level product role at the same company and received a raise to $60,000/year.
• The next year, I moved to a new company for a half-step promotion where I was making $82,000/year + 15% yearly bonus. The bonus was dependable enough that it was assumed as part of our total compensation, so let’s call it $95,000/year.
• Early this year, I switched companies again (noticing a theme?) for a promotion and now make $122,000/year.

I don’t have any other sources of income outside my main job. My partner makes a similar amount to me—about $117,000/year with bonus.
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Section Three: Expenses
I live with my partner and we don’t have combined finances, but split many expenses 50/50. We use Splitwise to log transactions. He’s more laid-back about being paid back, but I’m much more “I don’t want to owe anyone anything, and I don’t want anyone to owe me anything” (I know, rigid, but I’m working on it!).
Splitwise is nice because it’d be ridiculous to Venmo request each other for a $4 coffee, but we can see how expenses are adding up. If someone has racked up a few hundred dollars of spending for both of us, the other person will cover our expenses for awhile. It works for us!
Rent
$2,200 for a 2 bed, 1 bath apartment in Brooklyn. We split rent 50/50.
Renters insurance
About $7/month for my portion. This covers all our possessions plus my boyfriend’s watches. He pays 75% of it because half of the monthly cost comes from the extra watch overage.
Savings contribution
I try to have about $10,000 sitting in my savings account at any given time, because it makes me feel safe in case of an emergency. I also like the freedom it enables, in case I wanted to leave my job and take a significant amount of time off. This is already at the $10k I want, so I don’t contribute to it monthly.
Investment contribution
It varies but on average I contribute $2,500/month to my brokerage account and Roth IRA (combined).
Donations
I try to donate about $200/month, but it’s pretty sporadic. This month I donated to the Yellowhammer Fund and Northwest Abortion Access Fund. One of my major goals for 2021 is to step up my donations and create an actual strategy around them, potentially involving a donor-advised fund.
Gas/electric
Our gas is $20-25/month and electric is $50/month. I pay gas and Will pays electric, both go in Splitwise. About $37/month total for me.
Wifi
Our wifi is $60/month, which goes into Splitwise—I pay $30/month.
Cellphone
I’m still on my parents’ phone plan—sheesh! This is convincing me that I should Venmo them for it each month.
Subscriptions
I pay for Hulu with ads, $5.99/month. My boyfriend pays for Netflix and we share a Spotify family plan with a couple of his friends, which I chip in $4/month for.
I also pay for the budgeting software YNAB (You Need a Budget) which is $84/year. I only pay it once a year in September.
Medical
I recently had to go to the emergency room for an overnight stay and follow up with some specialists. (I’m okay!) Because of that whole shindig I’m expecting to max out my deductible (and potentially my out-of-pocket-max) right at the end of the year. This will be about $4,000, but none of the claims have come through yet so I’m not sure of the exact total. I have a category in my budget for my deductible, and the rest will come out of my emergency fund.
Physical therapy
This month I’m starting pelvic floor physical therapy for dyspareunia (pain with intercourse).
I’d tried everything the internet suggested (“just relaaaaaax”) before getting the courage to find a new ob-gyn and ask her about it. She had some recommendations, but ultimately physical therapy was the “last resort” option that I’m now exploring.
My new physical therapist comes highly recommended but is out of network with insurance. Each session is $250, and I’ll go once every 2-3 weeks for the next few months as part of treatment. If you’ve worked through this problem (or are experiencing it now!) I’d love to hear your experience.
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Section Four: Additional Questions
Was there an expectation for you to attend higher education? Did you participate in any form of higher education? If yes, how did you pay for it?
Absolutely. My dad was the first in his family to attend college and my parents made pretty calculated decisions about where they would live so I could go to the absolute best public school possible. Over 90% of students at my high school attend a 4-year college, and we start talking about it freshman year. To say college was encouraged in my environment is an understatement.
Growing up, what kind of conversations did you have about money? Did your parent/guardian(s) educate you about finances?
My dad has worked in finance since I was about 10. He’s always been really knowledgeable about both higher-level economic concepts and the minutiae of personal finance. My family is frugal, too: we clipped coupons and got clothes on super-sale at Kohl’s and Goodwill. I know there was a period of time when he became self-employed and money got very tight for a few years, but the bulk of those worries were largely kept from me.
Did you worry about money growing up?
Yes. While we were comfortable, we lived in such an affluent place that our family was in “the middle class” of the town and it made me worry more about money than I probably needed to. Think The Stepford Wives for context.
At what age did you become financially responsible for yourself and do you have a financial safety net?
In college, I became maybe 80% financially independent as I had a scholarship and worked part-time during school and over the summer, but I was still on their insurance.
I remember being frustrated in college because even though I knew I was extremely privileged, my friends in college had their parents pay their summer apartment rent and gave them an “allowance” of spending money, and I was “limited” by the options I could afford with the job I had. My dad told me at the time, “This is frustrating but it’s preparing you for actually having to live off the money you make in the near future.” (Great, great advice Dad.)
I’m technically still financially dependent on my parents for my cell phone bill, but otherwise I pay for everything: rent, insurance, utilities, food, therapy, and all wants in the form of clothing, workout classes, etc. I could ask my parents for money if I absolutely needed to, but would use it as a last resort.
Do you or have you ever received passive or inherited income? If yes, please explain.
I have an account (mentioned above) that a family friend who’s a hedge fund manager, well, manages. I believe the initial deposit was $1000 over 10 years ago, but that money wasn’t mine either, it’s all a gift. It’s not very liquid—it’d take me several months (and some very good reasoning) to get any of that money withdrawn, since it’s supposed to be for “the future” (which I guess I could argue is now?).
I might receive a small amount of money when my grandmother passes, but it’d probably be around $1-2k, if at all.
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Day 1 Wednesday, November 25, 2020
8:30am Wake up and shower, take my vitamin C gummies, then make coffee. I wasn’t much of a daily coffee drinker until my offices had it for free, and now I’m definitely addicted. I don’t really care if the coffee is shitty or not, I just put some milk in it and it’s great. Right now I’m trying to drink half or three-quarter cups so I can attempt to pull back my addiction a bit. I log onto work at 9am.
11:30am Eat leftovers from last night for lunch—quesadilla + Spanish rice. There’s an incredible Mexican restaurant by us, and now I am ruined for the tacos, quesadillas and nachos from any other place.
12:30pm Will picks me up in the U-Haul. We’re driving about 20 min away to pick up a butcher block desk he bought off Craigslist, which ends up being from a small office that’s downsizing. The desk is $150 which he pays for. We love the office’s style (and the owner is super nice!) and walk around while he shows us what else he’s trying to get rid of.
We end up buying an extra-large ZZ plant and two side tables from him for an extra $120, way less than we would have paid for the quality elsewhere. My half will be $60, and I’ll split the U-Haul too, $44.51. $82.26
2:45pm That ended up taking a lot longer than we expected! We get back and unload the van, then I bring stuff inside while Will returns the van to the U-Haul location. I jump back onto work—so much for a slow afternoon before Thanksgiving. AWS is down, which powers a lot of our engineering work (and a lot of the internet!) so a lot of our teams are basically twiddling their thumbs. We chat about how to message the outage to customers.
5:45pm Will starts making dinner (braised chicken and veggies) and I sit down to read with a strawberry Chobani, but I end up just reading Reddit and searching for new podcasts to listen to.
7:45pm Dinner was great! Now…ice cream.
9:43pm I remember that my mom sent me ideas for her and my dad’s Christmas presents, so I order on Etsy and Amazon. My dad gets a mug with an Ernest Hemingway quote (“write drunk, edit sober”) ($21.54) and a book on writing ($16.63), and my mom gets this food warming tote contraption she wanted ($43.52). We’ve been paring down Christmases over the years—this year I asked for the Europe version of Ticket to Ride. $81.69
11:15pm I finish up the first episode of Real Housewives of Salt Lake City with some white cheddar Cheez-Its to snack on. After, I start on the dishes from dinner. I listen to the Product Market Misfits podcast while I do dishes—the episode with Kristen Anderson from Catch is great, highly recommend if you’re tired of just hearing stories about stereotypical Silicon Valley tech companies.
Day 1 Total: $166.69
Day 2 Thursday, November 26, 2020
10am Wake up super late since I stayed up scrolling on my phone too late last night. We make coffee and set out for a long walk around 11:15am.
12:05pm At the end of our walk, we swing by our local liquor store and buy 4 bottles of wine (red, white, rose, champagne). Will pays, total is $63.15 for everything. We haven’t had wine in the apartment for ages and I’m excited to have some stocked up. $31.57
12:30pm Get back from the walk, shower, then turn on football. I actually don’t really care about any NFL teams (I like college football a lot more), but it’s such calming background noise for me that I find myself looking for games when I have downtime. We also recently found out that Will’s friends’ dog only has a few months to live, so we order some jerky treats and a squeaky toy for him. $14.07
2:30pm We head out to the restaurant we’re going to for Thanksgiving lunch, a local place a short walk from our apartment. They’re doing a prix fixe menu of the classics—turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, green beans, and a phenomenal tarte Tatin with ice cream for dessert.
We eat outside under heat lamps. It’s super cozy. With our bottle of wine and tip the total is $208 (I try to tip over and above the norm because it’s a pandemic and Thanksgiving). My half will be $104.
5:53pm Get back from the restaurant. We have a ton of leftovers which is awesome (I think it’s excessive frugality, but I almost expect to stretch takeout or restaurant meals into two meals). Exchange some texts with my friends about their socially-distant Thanksgiving celebrations.
I turn on the Washington vs. Cowboys game right at the halftime show, which is Kane Brown with the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. They’re all wearing masks (except for Kane) and it’s so odd to see them dancing in masks. I mean, I’m glad they’re wearing them, but it just seems like we could have gone without the halftime show this year.
9:21pm I order contacts from Contacts Direct. I got a new prescription but didn’t have a great experience with the eye doctor, so I’m hesitant about this order—only ordered one box of 90 lenses for each eye instead of a year’s worth of lenses. I’ve been getting headaches pretty frequently, so I’m hoping getting a new pair of glasses and alternating those (instead of wearing my contacts for 16 hours a day, every day) will help. $29.98 after insurance benefits
Day 2 Total: $179.62
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Day 3 Friday, November 27
8:56am Wake up super last minute, run to sign onto Slack and then start grinding coffee beans. I’m online and drinking a big mug of coffee by 9:10. (So much for half cups.)
10:45am Come up for air from work and grab the stuff to make a bagel. Everything bagels and plain cream cheese are my go-to combo.
12:03pm I grab a bag of clothes to drop off at the donation bin and a couple library books to return. The library is about a 25 minute walk so it’ll be a nice lunch break diversion.
12:56pm After the library I stop by the grocery store for some paper towels and sponges, since we’re almost out. Total is $22.62, my half is $11.31
1:09pm When I get home I jump back into work and put the USA vs. Netherlands game on my second monitor. By the 75th minute, the US is up by 2 goals so they start putting in some younger players—it’s fun to see Midge Purce and Sophia Smith play! I also throw some bagel bites in the oven for a quick snack and promise myself dinner will be healthier.
4:23pm I zone out of work and start playing Among Us. I end up playing for over two hours. We open a bottle of wine at some point and I get super tipsy.
6:50pm Turn on the tail end of the Notre Dame vs. UNC game. It turns into Jeopardy, which turns into Wheel of Fortune, which I’m not mad about. P isn’t as into the game shows and leaves to microwave a plate of leftovers from Thanksgiving dinner and play video games.
8:40pm Finally getting hungry after my bagel bites and Cheez-Its this afternoon and make a plate of Thanksgiving leftovers—turkey, mashed potatoes, green beans and cauliflower. Yum.
Will and I end up getting in a tiff about the mess in our apartment so we take a break, cool down and talk it through. I watch a couple episodes of Sister Wives and go to bed around 1:30am.
Day 3 Total: $11.31
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Day 4 Saturday, November 28, 2020
10:05am I stayed up late (again) so it’s nice to sleep in. I play Among Us for awhile and have a couple rounds where I’m the impostor and get some great kills and wins. I run out into the living room and celebrate with Will. We laugh because it’s silly how much we love the games we play. Around 10:45 I start making coffee.
11am We desperately need new sheets because our fitted sheet has a huge hole at Will’s feet (and it’s growing). I search a women’s personal finance group I’m in on Facebook for recommendations and we end up buying a queen sheet set from Belk. Total was $100.71 with their sale. $50.35
1pm I was planning on returning a package to the post office today, but forget it closes at 1pm on Saturdays so I decide to run to Target instead. I have a lampshade to return and want to look for a shower caddy as well. I also have an old iPad to return, which Will tells me I can do at Best Buy. He finds an old iPod and flip phone I can take too.
Take the MTA there ($2.75 for a single fare). When I get there, it’s a madhouse and I remember that I have sillily (is this a word?) decided to come on the weekend of Black Friday. I stand in the returns line for about 15 minutes and get $10.89 back, but ditch the idea of trying to look for a shower caddy. The checkout line looks like 100 people long. -$8.14 because of return
Next I go to Best Buy, but who am I kidding—the line to get in the store is even longer than the Target checkout line. I walk back to the subway and get on to go home. $2.75
2:30pm Since Best Buy was a no go, I search for electronic recycling around me on the way home just to see where I could drop off the devices I have. Apparently there’s an EcoATM not too far from my subway stop. It’s more for selling devices, but if they can’t give you money for something, they’ll recycle it, which is exactly what I wanted. I put each of the pieces in the scanner, and end up getting a whopping $2 total (for Will’s old iPod). Still cool because I was just expecting to recycle it all. I’ll give Will the $2.
2:44pm There’s a Dunkin nearby so I pop in to grab a couple donuts ($2.90). There’s a woman outside asking for money, so I give her $5 cash. $7.90
3:00pm Last stop—our favorite deli is nearby and Will mentioned he wanted to get bacon there recently. I get a 1/2 lb and salivate on the way home. This is one of those things I won’t put in Splitwise because it’s small and because it’s fun to get for P as a tiny little present. $3.50
3:45pm Once I’m home I’m super hungry from only eating carbs all morning so I have a snack of carrots, hummus and some pepperoni. I head back out to drop off a bag of clothes and shoes at a drop box a few blocks away. The neighbors are outside at the park near our house so I stop and chat with them for a few minutes. Their kids are the cutest.
6:47pm For dinner I make a ham and cheese sandwich (panini style with rosemary butter) and more carrots and hummus. I put on another episode of Sister Wives. These people are so fascinating to me—first off, I think the husband is completely full of himself. But I’m also so curious about the wives. There are a lot of talking head testimonials where the parents explain that they’re “oppressed” because they’re different and want to go public so the world can see polygamy as a valid family style (I’m only on season 2).
I know they’re probably playing up the “we love our other sister wives and have so much fun together even without Kody” aspect because people expect sister wives to be catty and hate each other, but I can’t help but wonder why they need to be in plural marriage to get the same friendship they seem to value so much. I also doubt they’d extend the same grace and tolerance they want to people who are “different” because they’re LGBTQ, or “different” because they’re in an open relationship or marriage.
9:15pm I mix together oatmeal chocolate chip cookie batter and put some cookies in the oven. While I’m waiting, I browse Zocdoc for well-reviewed providers—I want to make a podiatrist appointment for a lingering toe issue and an audiologist appointment for a routine hearing screening. I got the idea to make these appointments since I’ll hit my out-of-pocket max with the hospital visit, making them free or very discounted. I make two appointments for next week.
I also lust over a Farm Rio puffer jacket that feels overpriced but I just love. Maybe I’ll buy it tomorrow since they’re having a 30% off sale.
Day 4 Total: $64.50
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Day 5 Sunday, November 29
8:58am Wake up and switch between scrolling on Reddit and playing a few Among Us games. After a bit Will gets out of bed and makes coffee for us.
9:45am Will finishes the movie he started last night and we start on breakfast. We’re making the bacon I bought yesterday, breakfast potatoes with onions, and a fried egg for Will (I can’t stand the taste or smell).
11:00am Yum! Breakfast was great. I watch a couple episodes of Sister Wives and mull over buying that ridiculous but amazing puffer jacket from Farm Rio. I’ve still been thinking about it since last night and I might take the plunge.
1:25pm I get a jolt of motivation to work out and do a 20 minute Sydney Cummings video on Youtube. I heard about it from a recent Money Diary posted here! After it’s done I’m so, so tired. I stretch and unpause my episode of Sister Wives.
2:22pm I help Will move the butcher block slab for his desk out to our backyard. We live on the first floor of a single-family home that was converted into apartments, so we get the backyard too—it’s awesome to have outdoor space in the city. P works on sanding it and applying poly for the next couple hours.
5:07pm Will suggests pizza for dinner and I am always, always down for pizza. I order pickup from the spot down the street—one grandma, one cheese and 2 orders of garlic knots come to $38.60. We’ll have leftovers for tomorrow too. $19.30
5:50pm We pick up the pizza and dig in. While we’re eating we turn on the Chiefs vs. Buccaneers game; Will has a few players on his fantasy team in this game.
6:57pm I sign up to write letters to Georgia residents encouraging them to vote in the Senate runoff elections in January. This is through Vote Forward—I did 20 letters for the general election in November and want to participate again. I’ll print the letters at a local coffee shop since we don’t have a printer at home.
Will sends me this Reddit comment about campaign finance since we’ve been talking about it recently. I decide I’m convinced by the argument and set up a $5 monthly donation to Brand New Congress. $5
8:19pm After texting back and forth with my friend all day, I buy the puffer jacket—so excited. She encouraged me to get it and is pumped for me too. $228.64
I also notice my paycheck has started processing in my checking account (I get paid tomorrow), so I enter the amount in YNAB and budget it all. I earmark about $1500 to go into my brokerage account tomorrow. I won’t include it here as “spending” since it’s included in the overview section above.
Day 5 Total: $252.94
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Day 6 Monday, November 30
8:43am Wake up and turn on my Slack. Will started the coffee process and I finish it up by pouring the water into our Chemex and letting it steep (I know there’s a coffee-centric word for this...).
8:56am I check my Citi card and my YouTube TV trial rolled over—I was going to cancel it this morning, which I thought was the last day. I email support to see if they’ll refund me, because (I promise I’m not just saying this!) I did have a pretty bad experience. The Roku app was glitchy for us every time we watched something. Maybe they’ll feel nice today! $64.99
9:35am After responding to a few work messages, I run out the door to the post office to avoid a long package line. I did the Warby Parker 5-day home try on and have to return my box of glasses today. I found a pair I really like and am excited to get in the habit of wearing glasses again, instead of just my contacts.
Thankfully the line is only a few people long. The employees are also super nice every time I go, so I try to be really pleasant too. The lines are usually long and I’ve seen more than one adult have a fit at this post office. It’s rainy today and I couldn’t find our umbrella, so my flimsy rain jacket gets pretty soaked through on the walk back.
11:35am My podiatrist appointment is supposed to be tomorrow morning, and they call me to tell me since I haven’t hit my deductible, I’ll have to pay out of pocket for the visit. I explain that I’m 100% going to hit my deductible, the claims from the hospital just haven’t processed yet. I ask her to bill my insurance first for the visit, then I can pay whatever ends up not being covered (if anything). She agrees!
Maybe this is standard, but I’ve never had it happen before—even if I haven’t hit my deductible, I’ve always been to offices that bill insurance first, then I pay the remaining balance.
1:05pm Lots of meetings today. I break for lunch and heat up the braised chicken with veggies. It’s definitely on its last good day, so I’m glad I used it up. Still yummy!
2:20pm Woohoo! Get an email that my YouTube TV charge was refunded. -$64.99
Will ran to Home Depot today to buy some tools for his desk and also got a shower curtain liner since ours is ripping. I go to put it up in the bathroom but my arms are so sore—like I got my flu shot type of sore.
5:05pm Sign off work after trying to wrangle a supremely frustrating SQL query. I don’t get it but figure I can ask our analyst team for help tomorrow. Will will have a late night working, so pizza and Sister Wives is in my near future.
While watching, I update YNAB to reflect the end-of-month balances for my investment accounts. I get a huge dopamine hit by seeing my net worth number go up. I’m also anticipating it going down a bit next month because of my medical bills, so I relish the moment.
8:09pm It suddenly dawns on me that my arms are sore because I worked out yesterday. It’s so rare now that I literally forget when I do it. Ha!
9:15pm We watch the Eagles vs. Seahawks game and I absentmindedly play Among Us. I end up getting ...bullied by a person playing it? They get mad that I figured out they were the imposter and start saying all these schoolyard-type digs throughout the next couple rounds, but level 100 of cruel.
I’m embarrassed by how sad it makes me but think maybe it’s a good thing I don’t immediately know what to say to bully people back. Such a weird experience. I end up going to bed around 11:30.
Day 6 Total: $0
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Day 7 December 1, 2020
7:07am Wake up late for my alarm at 7. I’m up a lot earlier today because my podiatrist appointment is first thing. I get dressed in the dark, kiss P goodbye, grab my water bottle and run out the door to the subway by 7:30. $2.75
8:10am Get to my stop and swing by Starbucks before the appointment. I get a vanilla latte and the bacon cheddar and egg sandwich. Total is around $10 but I have a gift card loaded onto my Starbucks app.
My spending here went way down when I switched jobs to an office not close to a Starbucks, and then stopped going into an office at all.
8:30am My appointment goes great, if a little painful when she numbs my toe. I had to get an ingrown toenail removed. I danced ballet and pointe for years so I’m (unfortunately) used to them, but this one was terrible. The doctor and I bond over both being dancers with bad feet and they schedule me for a follow up two weeks out.
She actually says there’s been a rise in these procedures because people aren’t getting pedicures since the pandemic and aren’t cutting their toenails well! Wild.
I look silly on the subway in December wearing Birkenstocks and socks with a huge toe bandage. It looks like one of those cartoon characters who stubs their toe and it becomes 10x bigger than their other toes. $2.75
9:40am I get off at the stop before mine to stop at Rite Aid. I grab Neosporin, band-aids and epsom salt and check my notes for anything else she mentioned about caring for my toe. $12.97
10:00am When I get home, I hop into work and working with our engineers on a promotion for the New Year. I also catch up with Will since he stayed up late last night and I got up early for my appointment. He says he ended up staying up until 3:30am (!!) cleaning up his tools, working on his desk and putting up the shower curtain. I’m floored that he is functional right now after waking up at 8.
12:15pm Heat up the last of the pizza for lunch, along with hummus and carrots.
5:20pm Work is average-paced for the rest of the day. Not doing nothing, not totally over my head. Will puts in potatoes for baked potatoes to have later, which we’ll pair with a salad. We’re getting close to needing a grocery run again, so the meals are becoming more of a mishmash.
We listed a couple things on our local Buy Nothing group last week, so a woman comes by to pick up a wifi router we can’t use anymore. Would totally recommend looking up if there’s a group in your area—they’re usually on Facebook.
6:30pm After dinner I watch more Sister Wives and look up RIP Medical Debt, a nonprofit one of my friends shared for Giving Tuesday. They buy unpaid medical debt from collections, so $1 ends up paying off $100 of someone’s medical debt. I give $50 to the Arkansas campaign, which will clear $5,000 of medical debt.
As Will said earlier today, “medical billing in America is a racket” so I really hope this helps clear a burden from an individual or family. Doing this reminds me to check my insurance portal, which is steadily going up as each separate claim comes in. Ahhhh, modern healthcare! $51.49
At the end of each day please tally up your daily expenses. Then at the end of your diary please tally up all expenses in the following categories:
Total: $719.33

• Grocery + Dining Out: $157.77
• Fun + Entertainment: $0
• Home + Health: $164.67
• Clothes + Beauty: $228.64
• Transportation: $11.00
• Gifts + Giving: $157.25

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Reflection This week felt like a big spending week for me. I checked YNAB and since January, I’ve spent about $1600 per month, not including rent—so about $400/week. That’s why this week’s $719 feels so high!
Writing this diary helped me understand how many things I have going for me. I’ve recently been in a huge funk—about my health, my performance at work and my relationships with family, friends and P. Going to the hospital, needing physical therapy to have sex and being in a pandemic will do that to you.
I was able to zoom out a bit and understand how stable and gratifying my life is. That being said, I’m so glad this community exists. I really love it and learning about all your spending and saving habits. Thanks for being here and sharing :)

UPDATE: I've started a discord group chat to discuss girls, living abroad and more with this community. We already have a solid group of 20 or so guys. Feel free to join us here!
https://discord.gg/MHwJGqpdn7
Hey guys! I’m back with another post, this one by popular request. Throughout my post series I’ve mostly talked about why you should travel/move abroad. Now that a lot of you are seriously entertaining the idea, it’s time to talk about the how as well. Moving abroad is actually a lot simpler than it seems so long as you have the right mindset, game plan & information. And this is what this guide is all about. I have spent 6 years in Europe as of now; I’ve traveled and lived in 15 different countries. More importantly, I've done it on an extreme budget, eventually built an online, location-independent stream of income, and hooked up with/dated many beautiful women in the process. There is a lot of information to unpack here and it would probably take a whole book to cover everything(something I may work on in the future now that I think about it). But I will do my best to cover the key important points. As a caveat, this goes without saying but all of this is only applicable if/when we get out of this pandemic mess.
Mindset
Believe it or not, moving abroad is actually much easier than most people think from a logistics standpoint. Europe’s living costs are much cheaper than the US so money is a lot less of an issue than you would think. People are generally friendlier to Asians as well. The hardest part by far is actually adopting the right mindset. Traveling and living abroad is not for everyone. You have to be ready to say goodbye to your friends and family and accept that you won’t see them much anymore. You will be lost in foreign cities where people don’t speak English. You will sleep in trains, planes, hostels & sometimes even on the street. It is not a life of comfort to say the least. So how can you mentally prepare for this? Here are 3 tips for getting in the right mindset before you’ve even bought your first ticket!

1. What do you have to lose?

If you are reading this guide, chances are you are not content in your current location. Your situation probably ranges somewhere between miserable and mediocre. But venturing off into a foreign land is risky. Perhaps you should just settle and be content with what you have right? Wrong. You have one life to live. Even if you believe in reincarnation or an afterlife, you only have one life to live as an Asian man in the BTS-era. You should not let this chance pass you by. You should not accept anything less than living life to the fullest and fulfilling all your wildest dreams and desires. Worst case scenario you find out Europe isn’t for you and you can always go back home. It’s much better than spending the rest of your life wondering “what if” while you watch the years pass you by in your mundane 9-5 office job. Unless you are fully content with your current situation which, if you are reading this guide, is highly unlikely, you literally have absolutely nothing to lose.

1. You are embarking on an epic journey where you will write your own story.

One thing that helped me a lot in the beginning of my travels was imagining my own life as a movie or video game. Traveling to a foreign city where you don’t know anyone is scary. Yet I’ve done it in Skyrim a million times and it was fun. So gradually I just viewed my travels as a real life Skyrim. I’d travel to foreign cities, uncover historical mysteries, meet new people and level up my social skills, complete various quests for gold/experience, and try exotic local dishes. This also helped me in the sense that I was able to view every setback as something that would just make my story more interesting once I overcame it. Part of the reason my story resonated with you guys so much is because in the beginning I was just a shy and socially awkward kid like a lot of you. No good story has a main character who just wins everything from beginning to end without any setbacks or obstacles because it’s just not interesting. Once you make this decision you will begin your own adventure of exploring new lands, completing quests, and leveling up all your skills on your way to becoming a world conqueror. You have probably already spent hours doing this on your PS4, how much more exciting is it going to be once you do it in real life?

1. Make a decision, then fully commit

As I said, the travel lifestyle isn’t for everyone. It is a pretty big commitment so by all means, take as much time as you need to consider if it’s right for you. Once you’ve made the decision though, you must fully commit to it. No turning back, no excuses, no getting cold feet. Buy your ticket, hop on the plane and don’t look back. Yes you will miss certain things about home but there is a whole new world out there waiting for you. The last thing you want to do is miss out once you’ve stepped on foreign soil because your heart is still home, as it would have been better to just stay home in the first place. Focus on your new life, goals, and journey. Countless adventures of exotic lands, new experiences & beautiful women await you. The world is literally your oyster now.
Money
Throughout my travels people have often asked me, “How do you make enough money to fund your travels?”. The untold truth that most people don’t know is that it’s actually cheaper to travel than to live in the US. I have actually saved money from traveling if anything. During my travels, I have lived comfortably off $500 per month at times, and even today while I’m more settled I continue to maintain a budget of $700-800 a month. The problem is most people think of traveling as a 1-2 week vacation to Paris where you stay in a high-class hotel and visit the Eiffel Tower and all the expensive tourist attractions. If you travel like this, then of course traveling is going to seem expensive. The key is being resourceful and learning how to travel on a budget. With that being said here are 3 tips:
Pick a cheap country to start:
Let’s take a quick look at a comparison between my living expenses in the states compared to my living expenses when I first started traveling in Romania to give you an idea of just how much money you can save by traveling. Keep in mind too I left the states in 2016 so things are probably even more expensive now:
USA:
Rent: $700/month( Keep in mind I lived in Vegas. A lot of you are from CA/NY which is exponentially more expensive)
Food: ~$300/month
Car(payments, insurance, gas, etc): $500/month
Utilities(Phone, Electric, Gas, Internet, etc): $300-500/month
Total: $1800-$2000/month
Romania:
Accommodation(Youth Hostel): $250/month
Food: $150/month
Extra: $200/month
Total: $600/month
As you can see, traveling in Romania cost me 3x less than living in America. The fact that everything is cheaper combined with the fact that you don’t need a car saves you TONS of money. In fact the only reason for my extra $200/month costs in Romania was because I actually had money to go out with friends and do things I enjoyed whereas in America I struggled just to exist. It would be even more lopsided if we didn’t factor that.
Stay in youth hostels:
This is more of a budget option however this is something I recommend for at least your first year of travels regardless of how much money you have. Youth hostels across Eastern Europe range from $6-12 per night. Needless to say, the costs you will save are huge. But far more valuable is the social & cultural experience you will gain. You will meet and make friends with people from all over the world. Throughout my 6 years of travels I would say half the friends I’ve made I met in youth hostels. These friends helped me in so many immeasurable ways later on. Some allowed me a free place to stay for a few days. Some were locals who helped introduce me to the area. And yes some were cute girls I hooked up with too. In the beginning of your travels I recommend you talk to as many people as possible. It doesn't matter if it’s a 60 year old guy, an ugly girl, or a hot girl. In Europe there are travelers from so many different countries that in almost every conversation you will learn something new. It could be an interesting fact from their home country or a funny story they had to tell. This in turn will help your future social interactions as well. Think of it as a social investment in yourself. It works similar to money. In the beginning when you have nothing it’s really hard to get started. But after you get the ball rolling more and more doors open up for you. Every single person you meet represents a potential opportunity. You could meet a guy who will become your trusted wingman for years to come. You could meet a girl who will invite you to her country and “show you around”. You could meet a local who will introduce you to his whole social circle. The possibilities are endless as long as you first put yourself in the position to receive them.
Volunteer:
If you are really, really strapped for cash and/or just want to experience more, volunteering is a great option as well. Www.workaway.info is a global volunteer database with volunteering opportunities from all over the world. There are all kinds of options from babysitting, to teaching English, to volunteering in a hostel. The way volunteering usually works is, you work about 20-25 hours a week; in return you get free accommodation, free meals(ranges from free breakfast to full 3 meals a day depending on the place and type of work), and occasionally a small stipend. Usually these gigs are temporary lasting anywhere between 1-3 months. With your main expenses covered you can use this method to travel around for essentially nothing. You can for example, volunteer at a youth hostel in Venice during the day, and go out into the city at night to enjoy the beach and the exquisite Italian cuisine. My first years of travels I managed to stretch $4000 over the course of 9 months via a combination of volunteering & staying in cheap hostels. More importantly I made countless friends and valuable connections. Now that you understand how cheap traveling can be, money is really no excuse to hold you back.
VISA logistics:
For US citizens and citizens of most western countries(UK, Canada, Australia, etc.), getting into Europe initially is pretty simple. All you have to do is show up with your passport(With at least 6 months validity remaining) and they generally just let you in no questions asked. Once you're in, you're allowed to stay 90 days within any 180 day period within the Schengen Zone. The Schengen Zone is an interconnected bloc consisting of all but 4 EU countries. There are no internal borders meaning you can travel from Spain all the way to Estonia without crossing any border checks(though occasionally individual countries will have their own border patrols,
especially after the migrant crisis). If you wish to stay in Europe for longer than 90 days, all you have to do is what's known as a VISA hop. As previously mentioned there are 4 EU countries who are not a part of the Schengen zone, Croatia, Romania, Bulgaria and Cyprus. They too allow US citizens to stay up to 90 of 180 days no questions asked. When your 90 days expires, all you have to do is trek over to one of these non-Schengen EU countries for 90 days(Can be more than one as well, for example 60 days in Romania, 30 days in Bulgaria). Then your 90 days will be refreshed and you can come back into Schengen for a fresh, new 90 days. You can rinse and repeat this process as many times as you want. In fact I traveled around Europe for 5 years without a long term VISA this way. For your first year or two of travels you'll want to explore as many places as possible, so it's something I would recommend doing anyways. After you've been to a solid 10-15 or so countries, then you can decide where you ultimately want to settle.
Conclusion:
As someone who never finished college, I consider traveling to be my college education. I learned how to save and manage money by seeing how people in poorer countries live. I learned to speak several new languages. I learned invaluable social skills for making new friends and talking to girls alike. Needless to say it was also the ultimate history & geography lesson. It's a life-changing experience I would recommend every young person does regardless of their background, but especially for AMs given the social dynamics of living in the Anglosphere that we're all too painfully aware of. Now that you have all the tools and knowledge necessary, there's no reasons, no excuses not to do it. The world is your oyster.