Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond to our Reddit Community Survey! Let's find out what we all liked/disliked about the latest RC update.
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💎First of all, which story was the most read? The new Viking-themed book is off to a strong start, but no surprises anywhere else. There is a general decrease in readership numbers, but this is not necessarily a bad thing as it might mean that all stories now have their own fans and readers are starting to spread more evenly across the board.
-- 94.2% of the respondents read Heaven's Secret (down from last update's 97.2%)
-- 91.4% read Dracula: a Love Story (down from last update's 94%)
-- 89.3% read the new story Path of the Valkyrie.
-- 87.3% read Chasing You (down from last update's 93%)
-- 81.8% read Love from Outer Space (down from last update's 90% )
-- 81.2% read Legend of the Willow (down from last update's 87.6%)
-- 79.3% read Seduced by the Rhythm (down from last update's 85.1%)
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💎How popular was each update? We asked you to rate the new chapters giving a score between 1 and 5, where 1= I did not like it, 5= I loved it. Despite a strong debut from POV, HS is nothing but consistent as the most popular story, while LOW and DLS keep swapping places on the podium. SBR says goodbye by ending in a tie with LOS, which loses positions despite getting almost the same score as in the last update.
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-- Heaven's Secret: 4.4 (same score as the last two updates, remains in first place)
-- Dracula: a love story: 4.3 (up from last update's 4.0, up from third to second)
-- Legend of the Willow: 4.2 (same score as the last two updates, down from second to third)
-- Path of the Valkyrie: 4.1 (strong start for the new story, debuting in fourth)
-- Chasing You: 3.7 (slightly up from last update's 3.3, stable in fifth)
-- Love from Outer Space: 3.5 (on par with last update's 3.4, down from fourth to sixth)
-- Seduced by the rhythm: 3.5 (up from last update's 2.9, stable in sixth)
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.💎But here's the juicy stuff: which characters had the best and worst scenes in this update?
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.⚠️Warning: plot spoilers for the November update are contained in this post from this point on. ⚠️

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.Ok so, don't panic, don't panic, please don't panic. Grab the person, pet, inanimate object nearest to you and hold on tight: the following results might cause surprise, shock and occasional distress, so make sure you are not currently sitting on a ledge nor drinking any liquid - although alcohol might be needed at a later stage (if for cheering or drowning all sorrows will depend on the individual). Please do adopt the emergency position if you hear the words "whatever, whatever", do not leave water dragons unattended (who knows what they might turn into) and most of all, for the love of all what's holy, please do not fight in the comments.
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.Ok. OK. So. The thing is... Lucifer is officially no longer the most loved character on this subreddit. Here, we said it. His throne has been dethroned, his crown has been decrowned, his sash has been desashed. This is it. He had risen to heights that no one deemed possible and now has fallen to depths we never thought imaginable. Woe and dishonour! Dishonour on your whole family! Dishonour on you! Dishonour on your cow! #RIP #yes-this-is-the-real-world #it-should-have-been-rebecca
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https://preview.redd.it/oj5ij764pj361.png?width=800&format=png&auto=webp&s=37b162debd39b2a6e4ecbbb516c49bf19938bb53
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💎The top 10 overall BEST scenes go to:
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(1) Malbonte (HS) - 60.8% - Despite the hints given to us by the flood of fanarts on the sub, we are all still in shock here at Mod HQ. We honestly thought that the die-hard Luci stans would have kept the Prince of Hell on top of the rankings until the end of the series, but there's a new bad boy in town and no one can stop his meteoric rise. Is it the bathrobe look? The bushy eyebrows? The murderous tendencies? We have so many questions, but the fact is, Malbonte has skyrocketed to the top of the charts and there's nothing anyone can do about it. #deal-with-it #lucifer-who #bye-felicia
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(2) Vlad (DLS) - 55.6% - Holding a book has never felt so sexy since 50 Shades of Grey was a thing, and whilst Vlad might not have a playroom, his castle has plenty of sentient dungeons to keep us entertained while we pine for his poetry-whispering lips. If in the past his touch is all what we needed to recover from a traumatic experience, in the present inches have become miles, he told us, and please take your mind out of the gutter, he did not mean it that way. #or-did-he
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(3) Kazu (LOW) - 53% - Kazu might live in the shadows and walk in blood, but a serving of languid kisses near the fire, a good measure of sassy dark humour and yet another unforgettable goodbye scene made this thoughtful and generous ninja very much not invisible in this update. It's no surprise that him and Vlad seem to be constantly head to head in the rankings: they are both the sexiest slow burns in RC history and we are all here for it. #worth-the-wait
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(4) Loki (POV) - 43.1% - Red-haired god of mischief Loki has just appeared on our radar and is already scrambling the charts and wrecking havoc. He might not have done more than being a flirt so far, but we are all looking forward to see whether or not he can keep up with our new badass MC. For now, he might need to run and hide from the Luci stans, though, since he overtook the Prince of Hell in the stats just as we approached the finish line. #tactical-retreat #mischief-managed #good-luck-love
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(5) Lucifer (HS) - 42.7% - Talk about crash and burn! No amount of sexy power training and lukewarm heart-to-heart conversations were able to save poor Luci from this massive tumble down the ranks. We might have jinxed him a bit last update with all our overconfident pretzel-buying shtick, but his whole "treat them mean, keep them keen" tactic has obviously backfired massively since he has been dropped like a hot potato as soon as a new, shiny bad boy has become available. Will he recover in time for the series final episodes? #old-news #marie-kondo-said-no #thank-u-next
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(6) Leo/Aslan (DLS) - 39.2% - Cat-loving, soft-spoken, sauce-covered Leo/Aslan remains amongst this community's favourites, especially since both his past and present selves are making a habit of saving MC's from the trickiest situations. Add to the recipe a wonderful bromance, a kind attitude and that sexy black suit and we have serious swoon-material here. We know he's hiding a secret but we are all hoping it's not gonna be too bad, so that we will be able to forgive him as quickly as saying "sphynx".
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(7) Alex (CY) - 37.2% - Although his screentime has been quite limited lately - and everyone is still clamouring because we haven't had any of his trademark naughty scenes in a good while - all those who got the kinky Swede to put a ring on it are obviously super chuffed by the development. Press F to pay respects to those who got friendzoned so hard they felt good when poisoning friends the morning after. Alex better watch out though, because many would rather date his dead dad instead.
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(8) Nosferatu, Black cat, Gardenia (DLS) - 32.2% - The cat-mad faction of this community is not letting go any time soon. With two awesome - and surprisingly affordable - outfit choices for our main ugly baby and the possibility that Gardenia might also become our second ugly baby - if Gradish is indeed as good as potting soil - the RC devs might be onto a real gold mine here. We are ready to throw diamonds at more cat outfits without a second thought: all we need now is a cat-wardrobe button and we are set to be poor by the end of this book. #no-regrets
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(9) Ullr (POV) - 27.5% - Legolas has nothing on this hood-wearing archer who has captured hearts and minds all across the sub even with limited screentime and even less conversation. Who knew that a spot of pest control could turn out to be quite so reinvigorating? Forests in RC seem to be truly lovely places (not) by the way. Remind us never to set foot in anything larger than a hedge if we ever get teleported in the RC universe. #nope-kitty #arrow-through-my-heart #i-have-a-good-feeling-about-this
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(10) Edward (CY) - 26.1% - We are starting to see a trend here: red hair are in at the moment, with three of the top nine lads sporting auburn locks. We might have thought we were romancing Christopher, but surprise! It was Edward all along. Or was he? And if you like your men like you like your double-decker buses - red, British and packed - then what's best than this identical twin to add to your LI collection?
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https://preview.redd.it/e3mznbpmlj361.png?width=748&format=png&auto=webp&s=f640ce7e548ee4f9f268eaa36c511d0f32f88d1a
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💎And the top 10 overall WORST scenes go to:
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(1) Mehmed (DLS) - 35.7% - Mehmed's actions in this update were so vile that it's hard to come up with jokes about it, especially when his scenes proved so hard to read for so many people. So let's just say that he definitely deserves the crown of the worst and leave it at that.
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(2) Tony (SBR) - 28.8% - On his very last appearance on the update surveys, Tony loses his top spot in the baddies list but still manages to infuriate us to no end - because of course he does. His gaudy mask could not hide his hateful face, and his super-villain rant on why he acted like a douche was not very convincing. We won't be missing him! #buh-bye #see-you-never #over-and-out
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(3) Noe (DLS) - 24% - This enigmatic, heterochromia-blessed dude went full on creep when he set out to test some of his possibly-warlock powers on poor Millie and everyone else. We already knew he was a jaded cat hater but his behaviour took us all by surprise, ngl. Vlad might have taken care of the problem, but we are not convinced this is the last we have seen of him. #has-he-left-or-not
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(4) Millie (DLS) - 22.6% - Poor Millie can't catch a break. First she finds her crush saucing up her sister, then she ends up in a sketchy situation with an older dude, and last she gets put on the naughty list even if her ultimate rage fit is to be blamed on a book seemingly possessed by the spirit of Gordon Ramsey. #this-cat-is-raw
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(5) Fyr (HS) - 21.4% - It seems clear that the latest twist in HS' rollercoaster ride of a plot did not go down super well in our community. Nothing wrong with a strapping dude with scaly inserts, mind you, but many of us just want our pet dragon back, ngl. Plus, many feel that it might be a lil' late to introduce yet another LI. #too-much-of-a-good-thing #justice-for-fyr #not-the-petting-i-had-in-mind
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(6) Fencio (HS) - 18.8% - The transformation of our favourite grumpy dad into a fully fledged villain is now complete, as his new black outfit made clear for all to see. Fencio seems to be reaping the benefits of his dastardly actions left and right, but we have no doubt his day of reckoning will come sooner than he thinks. #never-go-full-darth-vader
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(7) Shahi Khatun (DLS) - 17.9% - Women who support and empower other women are cool. Women who manipulate, betray and endanger other women (or anyone else, for that matter) are very much not cool. Shame on this lame excuse for a nanny/tutoress/mentor who failed at her only job: protecting MC from harm. #go-eat-a-cactus
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(8) The neighbour (LOS) - 16% - Having aliens move next door to you is bound to wreck havoc on your routine, especially if you are already a lil' cuckoo. But regardless if you took matters in your own hands by playing pranks or left him alone because aint nobody got diamonds for that, we all agree that we are not enjoying having to deal with this walmart Lebowski on a regular basis. #his-dudeness-is-not
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(9) Zigza (HS) - 15% - Guess who's back, back, back? / Back again, gain, gain / Zigza's back, back, back / Tell a friend. Or also not? I mean, no one really missed him, and most of us had even forgotten he ever existed in the first place. Depending on how strongly you told him to go kick rocks in your previous meeting all the way in the depths of hell, Zigza-boi will have been more or less awful to you in this update. Regardless, we all agree that we don't like him and we should Put That Thing Back Where It Came From or So Help Me.
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(10) Seraph Crowley (HS) - 14.8% - If we knew that all what it takes to nab a power seat in HS government is to ambush an old guy lying in a hospital bed, we'd have had MC walk up to Crowley too and proclaim herself a seraph or something. But this update's "prey on the elderly" trophy goes to Rebecca who needed no interview to get herself on the top Academy seat. A little pushback from Crowley would have been nice, and for that not only he just lost his job to the power-hungry-mama, he also kept her out of the top-10 worst scenes ranks by getting more hate-votes than she did. #double-whammy #you-snooze-you-lose #why-did-you-not-say-something-you-old-fart
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https://preview.redd.it/hy5fa36slj361.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=f31e14b4e9fc3c7c2828d3f902b41cb9354a9938
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💎And here are all the results, book by book:
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.Seduced by the rhythm

.It is a bittersweet goodbye to the dancing queens and kings of SBR, but at least Molly managed to snag second place in the best scenes rankings before the end! Go sis! Her optional 'punch Tony in the face' scene is surely the main reason why, but we are not picky: it's nice to see her not exclusively featured on the negative charts for once!. #every-little-helps #leave-molly-alone #why-is-carlos-so-underrated
https://preview.redd.it/1av06qw5nj361.png?width=1423&format=png&auto=webp&s=0f9a75e5365c006b9bc7197a0794122b9ac3d1b1
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Chasing You

Eve and Ellia's suspicious phone calls had a negative impact on their scores, as did Alex's possible rejection scene. Sam was basically non-existent in this update but still managed to get lots of votes on spec, while secondary characters like Alex's mum Olivia and old lady Brigitte have already carved a place for themselves in our community's heart. #you-had-me-at-tarot
https://preview.redd.it/aquoj018nj361.png?width=1423&format=png&auto=webp&s=3c9988e19e475f83b6b697c907ab1fecfb53609f
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Heaven's Secret

The fact that in the best scenes list "the one guy who stood up to Malbonte" managed to score higher than Dino says something about how all the original LIs have been suffering from lack of screentime. Geralt proves once again a fan favourite, the helpful, strong and supportive character we all need while Heaven and Hell are falling apart. #rock-hard
https://preview.redd.it/jvjv7q5anj361.png?width=1423&format=png&auto=webp&s=7ce282d4040794ad33058f93e6302cc604d96bfa
https://preview.redd.it/ux3a2pmbnj361.png?width=748&format=png&auto=webp&s=63d2e8ad7a1f176f0db56db426c6adcf6fa9e8cf
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Legend of the willow

Unique Shino-Odori has clearly made an impression, as shown by the fact that she even got more votes than sweet Masamune: we obviously all want to see more of her. Grandpa Chongan is universally the most loved character, while Satoshi seems to have gained more admirers than Takao. #life-is-strange
https://preview.redd.it/pjw1du5fnj361.png?width=1423&format=png&auto=webp&s=38fc5f8b715805f46682552b3ba0c0b1821ade36
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Dracula: a love story

Mehmed is surprisingly high in the best scenes charts - maybe because of the drama factor - and finally some more Sandra content sees her also placing better than in previous updates. Sultan Murad's badass return was very much appreciated, while Vlad still proves to be a controversial LI. #hot-and-cold
https://preview.redd.it/u5k2kqngnj361.png?width=1446&format=png&auto=webp&s=103ff73c2702678cd1108797ef720a349745e585
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Love from outer space

Looks like Jacob is finally clawing his way up from the dislike pit and he's now scoring well in both the best and worst charts. As we already know, the nosy neighbour seems to be more of a villain than the actual villain, but it's still early days. #whatever
https://preview.redd.it/8xjpi5dinj361.png?width=1446&format=png&auto=webp&s=95e1025bd22c3ba26985dd44f896552f99cd1261
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Path of the Valkyrie

Strong start for this Nordic saga, with two of the maybe-LIs making the top-10 for best scenes, and all main characters - yeah, even that cheeky forest monster - scoring pretty well. #lucky-loki
https://preview.redd.it/l0n2iwjknj361.png?width=1446&format=png&auto=webp&s=fdd739224ca92a16cb8c63c3fab69b6452c27292
https://preview.redd.it/12sh465mnj361.png?width=600&format=png&auto=webp&s=c54eac156a18e4516bc2ea60c22ed5a3f48b2dca
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... And also ...
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💎What did you think of the SBR ending?
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.Seduced by the rhythm is officially over! The majority of this community (49.3%) thought the ending was fine and were fairly happy with it, while 38.9% said that it was great and were very happy with it. A minority 11.8% were unhappy as the ending was not their cup of tea. So, overall we can say: well done RC, here's a cookie!
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.💎Who proposed to you at the end of SBR?
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.Wedding bells (and possibly a pregnancy reveal) have concluded the adventure that brought us dancing around the world. Brandon was the most popular choice of partner by far, as we absolutely expected, with his clown posse making up 42.7% of this community. Second most chosen sweetheart is actually... no one, as 19.7% chose to stay single and go live in Paris with Joseph and Christian. And who can blame them? Those guys are relationship goals. Sweet Claire completes the podium with 9.3% of the community accepting a proposal from the lovely brunette.
.The rest of the LIs followed with Hiro at 8.5%; Orlando at 6.4%; Charles at 4.5%; Carlos at 3.4% and Justin at 2.7%. And to the 2.7% who said that Tony proposed to them... here is what we say.
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.💎SBR Tony mentioned his sister's name as explanation for his actions. What was your reaction?
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.The SBR Season 3 baby-faced villain finally had a chance to explain why he has been exceedingly awful to everyone around him. His motivation? His sister Charlotte, who apparently got crushed by the massive dose of karma she had landing on her face in Season 2 - after being an awful person in her own right. 39% of us did not even pay to hear this explanation (there's always the subreddit discussion thread where to ask, after all), while 32% were actually surprised by the plot twist. The remaining 29% had completely forgotten who Charlotte was, making the reveal a tad underwhelming. Oh well! #moving-on
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.💎In CY, did you ask Alexander to make it official?
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.Snarky Alex was ripe for picking in this latest update, so the majority of this community tried their luck at making the Swede their official sweetheart. Wedding bells might be ringing soon for 60.5% of us, proudly shouting it from the rooftops that he is their man now. 30.6% never went there in the first place, because they are into one of the other LIs, while an unlucky 8.9% had to endure the immense cringe of being rejected in what was possibly one of the harshest friendzoning conversations ever written. #i-want-to-be-your-friend-not-your-man #ouch-that-was-brutal #1-upvote-1-prayer
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.💎Who do you think is more suspicious in CY?
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.Why is it that all the suspicious people have a name starting with E? Is there a secret clue there that we are missing? The majority of this subreddit (40.8%) thinks that the person who unceremoniously encouraged CY MC to do a spot of cliff diving is Eve. Second more suspicious person is Edward, with 25.7% of the votes, followed by 18.9% of people thinking that none of the three currently-dying characters are responsible, while 14.6% think that Ellia is the culprit. Time will tell who was right!
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.💎Did your pet dragon in HS suddenly transform into something else?
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.Far from us to kink shame anyone, but ngl, having a pet suddenly turn out to be a sentient hunk is seriously 50 shades of weird. The majority of the subreddit is not into it, although we do seem to have a decently sized scaley population lurking in the shadows. To each their own! #variety-is-the-spice-of-life
https://preview.redd.it/4cx0g24pnj361.png?width=1387&format=png&auto=webp&s=d42d16e4e8b7f4ba29fffa6d9dd55ebb5ac55cb4
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💎Do you think Shino-Odori is the future LOW female LI?
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.Quirky Shino-Odori is at present the only possible candidate for the job of female LI in LOW, but the majority of us are still not convinced that's where the story is going. 45.4% of this community thinks that maybe she'll be a LI, but we need to see if she gets her human form back somehow first. 39.6% doesn't think that she will be a LI at all, because someone else will be introduced instead, while 15% would love for her to be a LI because she is amazing. #lets-be-frie-e-e-ends
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.💎In LOW what does Satoshi's disguise reminds you of?
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.The community has spoken: the Satoshi hate has to stop! Kinda. We still like to take the mick out of his disguise, of course we do, but it's undeniable that his fan club has grown over the last few updates. Amongst the sexy seriousness of the LOW men, Satoshi's special brand of nonsense seems to be a necessary comic relief, so be it.
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💎Did you buy an outfit for Nosferatu in DLS?
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.RC newest gold mine and/or diamond pit - depending on the perspective - came in the shape of a sleek suit and a frilly French Royal Family outfit. Most of us got tempted by the cute clothes, while a staunch minority decided to keep Nosferatu in his standard jumper for the foreseeable future.
https://preview.redd.it/tgtwdbptnj361.png?width=1635&format=png&auto=webp&s=5f06c49dc96a26f079cf9c64207275c805d440b5
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💎Did you help Nosferatu and his Black Cat friend in DLS?
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.Who could stand in the way of great cat love and/or friendship? Not the 68.3% of this subreddit, who said yes because anything their ugly baby wants, their ugly baby shall receive. 31.7% declined, because they are broke and/or heartless. #how-could-you
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.💎Would you adopt Nosferatu's relative Gardenia, if you could, in DLS?
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.It certainly looked as Gradish was not in good shape at the end of this update, so what about poor, possibly-homeless Gardenia? 63.6% of us would adopt her in a heartbeat, because the only thing that's better than one ugly baby, is two ugly babies! But 36.4% wouldn't because they are broke and/or heartless.
https://preview.redd.it/dfx9argvnj361.png?width=600&format=png&auto=webp&s=fb2ba51b3afda932090785929ff6cdc0ad35dd5b
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💎Did you play any trick on the neighbour in LOS?
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.We are a kind, nice, stingy community and the majority of us (55.6%) decided to opt out of spending diamonds to play tricks on our psycho neighbour, while 22.5% put interference generators into his house, 15.7% planted spores in his garden, and 4.3% asked Ursula to destroy his house.
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.💎Who did you pick to stand watch with while camping in LOS?
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.This scene was the sweetest ever, no matter who you picked. Ray the alien prince is the clear favourite in this story, with the majority of the sub picking him for a make out sesh - exclusively performed for scientific testing purposes, of course - while Jacob is getting closer and closer to threatening Todd's second place in the charts of favourite LOS men.
https://preview.redd.it/5qqkbzbxnj361.png?width=1353&format=png&auto=webp&s=eb9c177c666a9311744933afc279ce0316abe21d
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💎Which second shape did you pick for Beast in LOS?
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.To the mods' surprise, the vast majority of us (69.1%) decided to pick the free option (Predator) while 23.1% chose to shill diamonds for the Strange Predator shape, and only 7.8% picked the Strange Reptile form. Why? Dinosaurs are cool! #aint-no-party-like-a-t-rex-party
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.💎In LOS, Ray tells us that on his planet two hours correspond to four clorks. So we asked: how many clorks do you think we will have to wait until the next update? We just got the update announcement last week so let's see who was right and who was wrong!
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.48.7% of the community were very pessimistic and predicted about 3000 clorks (aka about 9 weeks), 42% were fairly realistic and guessed about 2000 clorks (aka about 6 weeks) and only 9.2% were super optimistic and went for 1000 clorks (aka about 3 weeks) - so considering between the November and December update there will be just about a month, we are going to give the victory to the optimists amongst us! Well done!
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.💎Who was your favourite MC in this update?
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.It was so hard to pick among such a great lineup of badass heroines (no complaints there!) but Mei (LOW) snags the top spot with 30.6% of the votes, thanks to her bravery in both human and fox form as well as her great magic powers. Second place goes to war-heroine HS MC at 23.5%, followed by a strong showing from new entry and valkyrie-in-training POV MC in third at 21.6%.
.Fourth is DLS MC and her time-travelling adventures at 14.3%, fifth goes to CY MC and her archery exploits at 7.5%, while - at quite a distance - we find alien-meddling Amber (LOS) in sixth at 1.7% and dancing queen SBR MC in seventh place with 0.9%.
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.💎We also asked about diamonds: how much did you spend on this update? It might have been the fact that we had seven books to spend on instead than six, or maybe it was the density of cat-centric premium content in DLS, but we seem to have spent slightly more diamonds overall compared to the previous update.
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-- 35.7% spent more than 500 diamonds. (up from last update's 23.1%)
-- 28.2 % spent more than 300, less than 500 diamonds. (up from last update's 25.6%)
-- 23.7% spent more than 150, less than 300 diamonds. (down from last update's 35%)
-- 10% spent more than 50, less than 150 diamonds. (down from last update's 13.5% )
-- 2.4% spent less than 50 diamonds. (down from last update's 2.8%)
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.💎Next up: teacups. The majority of us (75.2%) decided to be patient and read the chapters over a few days, while 24.8% decided to binge read it all in one go, down from last update when 25.5% of us had decided to use real-world money on the game.
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.💎We asked if you used the wiki walkthroughs to help you with your stats, and looks like we are all getting more and more adventurous with every update, since only 61.1% said yes (compared to the 65.8% of the last update), while 35.5% chose to go in blind and spoiler-free (compared to 31.8%). And for the 3% who did not know walkthroughs even existed, here is a link to our very own Reddit-made Wiki with every answer you might need and more!
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https://preview.redd.it/arf249lznj361.png?width=748&format=png&auto=webp&s=6c33e5f301eb4537285c3d3bf220745ac64388a9
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💎And last but not least, thank you to the 89.5% of you who were looking forward to reading this post, we love you! And to the 10.5% who wished us to always be in the perfect puddle-trajectory to get soaked, joke's on you: there are no puddles nor traffic on our daily commute between our bed and the fridge!
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That's all folks... until next time! (which will come very soon, considering the new update is around the corner!)
💎Your friendly neighbourhood mod team💎
💎 u/LauraVi 💎 u/swankytutu 💎 u/directormmn

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Monday, September 7th, 2020
“Gigi, come quick! Winston’s bleeding!”
Sarah hung up the phone. Gigi sprinted down four flights of stairs in a 500-dollar fleece bathrobe. (“Hooray, fake ID money!”) In front of Winston’s room stood Sarah - the color drained from her normally golden skin. Drops of blood trailed from Winston’s room to the men’s bathroom down the hall.
“His fucking crown fell out!” Sarah blurted out.
That morning, Gigi had put her dental knowledge to the test. Ah, the Guitar Guys broke Winston’s lateral incisor! She had sneaked Winston into the campus dental lab to fit him with a temporary crown. “Don’t bite down on it or eat anything too messy!” she had warned him. No chance. It was wing night at the Chubby Beaver Cafe.
The girls followed the blood to the bathroom door.
“I’m not going in there!” Gigi confidently declared.
“Oh, what was I thinking? Let me just magically fix his tooth with my 19 fucking years of dental experience!”
“But, but, but...that’s a male lavatory! And as his fraternal sibling, I surmise that you have unintentionally borne witness to his nether-regions...in the least intimate of circumstances, of course!”
“Stop bickerin’ and help me out, will ya?” came Winston’s muffled yell from the bathroom. “Fuck, this pain! Mama, make it stop!”
Gigi burst through the bathroom, where Winston and Tai wielded huge toy rifles. Sarah locked Gigi’s arms behind her head in a full nelson choke.
“What?! You’re okay?”
“First rule of paintball: never trust anybody,” Winston sneered.
Paintball was certainly on the menu on this first day of Fall Break. That night, Mama Beavers’ residence would be hosting the annual paintball tournament. And this morning, Winston, Tai, and Sarah were to give Gigi a proper introduction to the sport. With Super Soakers.
“Whatcha think, Winston?” Tai chuckled. “Shall we light her up?”
“I reckon we shall, roomie.”
Whipped cream spurted out of the Super Soakers, gagging Gigi’s mouth; tangling her jet-black hair; staining her luxurious robe.
“Whaaa! W-w-w-what the fuck, guys?” howled the Gigi sundae. “I just took an hour-long shower for nothing!”
“Hey, Winston, I have an idea,” Tai suggested, strolling over to the window.
“Oh, whatever may that be, Tai?” Winston played along.
Tai flung the window open, staring down the tunnel of a huge inflatable Slip-N-Slide. Only this slide was lubed up with light beer - not water.
“Time for your second bath, Gigi!” Sarah teased, tightening her grip and dragging Gigi to the window.
“You...do…not have permission to touch my body!” Gigi screamed. “This is sexual assault under North Carolina General Statute section 14-27.21, as signed into law by Bill-!”
The three freshmen heaved Gigi onto the beer slide. She continued rattling off state penal codes three stories down.
“Got ’em!” Winston cheered, celebrating with crisp high-fives. “Sheesh, is Gigi a lawyer now? What was that ramblin’ all about?”
“Beats me,” Tai mumbled. “I assumed Gigi knew everything but social skills.”
“Nah, Winston has a point,” Sarah agreed. “That legal mumbo jumbo is beyond the pale even for her. She and I will have to have a little chit-chat. Anywho...Winston, why don’t you go down there and check on her?”
“Fuck it, why not? I reckon I’ll enjoy a booze bath.”
Winston dived head-first onto the beer slide, careening against the sides. He consumed a pitcher’s worth of cheap beer before splashing three stories down into the Boozewalk: an inflatable moonwalk full of beer, enclosed by huge inflatable walls on all sides.
“Wait, what the hell?” Winston gasped, as a bathrobe floated in the booze bath. “G-Gigi? Is that you?”
The petite form of a woman rose to the surface, baring her pale face and smooth shoulders.
“Heeey, Winston,” slurred a seductive Gigi. “Looks like we’re finally alone in the dark. So...do you like me, Winston?”
“W-what? I...I think you should put your bathrobe back on, buddy.”
But Gigi did no such thing, likely naked below the frothy surface. Instead, she swam toward Winston as he backed up to the inflatable wall.
“What if I, like, totally sounded like Claire?” Gigi cooed, mimicking the southern girl. “Wouldn’t you, like, totally wanna get in my pants?”
“First of all, you’re not wearing pants. Second of all, you’re my best buddy. Nothing more. Nothing less.”
“As you wish...I shall force myself on you instead!” Gigi shot to her feet, dressed in a pink South App tube top and black shorts. She pressed the muzzle of a paintball gun to Winston’s forehead. “Guys, now!”
Tai and Sarah burst through the mesh entrance. Paintball guns in hand, they splashed through the Boozewalk like the goddamn invasion of Normandy. “Freeze, mothafucka!” Tai screamed in a rare gangsta voice. As three armed assailants surrounded him, Winston raised his shaking hands.
“First rule of paintball,” Winston reminded himself, exasperated. “Never trust anybody.”
“Now where, oh where have I heard that before?” Sarah asked, throwing an arm around her brother’s shoulders. “Come on, it’s wing night!”
“Go without me and I’ll meet you at the truck!” Gigi said thoughtfully. “I’ve never tried beer, but I bet I can catch a buzz if I just float around in here!”
“Suit yourself,” Winston sighed, stepping out of the Boozewalk onto the grass. “It’s a damn shame my best buddy ain’t gonna be there to wipe the buffalo sauce off my face.”
They left Gigi alone in that dark, five-percent ABV bath. A sensory-deprivation chamber of sorts. She floated on her back, eyes closed and mind racing.
He turned down my romantic advances. Then again, he called me his best buddy! Now...I don’t know much about southerners, but methinks that’s a start.
Sarah stuck her head through the mesh entrance. “Heeey...so only lawyers and criminals know state penal codes. And, well, you’re not exactly either of those. Ya dig? So, I’m going to come straight out and ask: did someone sexually assault you?”
Gigi blinked. She slowly lowered herself into the beer bath as her fling with Twinston flooded her mind. Deeply kissing a man...that she thought was somebody else. Sliding off the boxer-briefs off a man...that she thought was somebody else. And telling that same man that she loved him.
Bubbles rose to the surface. Sarah grabbed Gigi’s shoulders and hoisted her to her feet. Her South Korean roommate was laughing her ass off, one eye twitching.
“Nope!” Gigi lied, shivering. “I willingly gave up my V-Card in a steamy one-night stand!”
***
Ryan blasted a .30-06 round from his Remington 783 bolt-action rifle. The bullet pierced the paper target 100 meters downrange. Heart shot.
Twinston walked into Dam Good Shot Gun Range. He and Ryan had the whole place to themselves on the Monday afternoon of Fall Break.
“Survey says it’s pure!” Twinston declared, slapping ABK’s bag of blue-and-white cocaine on the counter. Teja, their Indian brother, had tested the coke in the science lab that morning. (Meanwhile, Gigi had been sedating Winston in a dental chair a few floors up). The results: the only difference in BDE’s and ABK’s cocaine was the color of Walmart-brand glitter. ABK wasn’t just trying to compete with BDE. They were trying to run them off the fucking block.
“Well, you know what to do,” Ryan said matter-of-factly, racking the slide. “Confront Clyde about this shit head-on.”
“Hell yeah, I gotcha. Uh...should I get Winston to tag along? I reckon we’ll be more intimidatin’ with us both there. We’re the fuckin’ Wonder Twins when it comes to gettin’ shit done.”
Ryan blasted another round and missed his target. “Twinston, do you wanna borrow some mouthwash?”
“Huh?”
“I figure you’ll be needing it to wash the taste of Winston’s dick out of your mouth.”
Ryan racked the slide while Twinston dropped his jaw. But in light of the insult, he closed his mouth. Ryan’s fired again. Headshot.
“You’re BDE’s second-in-command,” Ryan reminded Twinston, holding down a button as the target returned to him. “And I need you to act like it. Deal with Clyde solo.”
The target came into full view. It was a security camera photo of Gigi in her baby-blue evening gown from the Masquerade.
What in the actual fuck? Twinston thought. It finally dawned on him that he had slept with a wanted woman that last weekend. Ryan’s wanted woman.
“Twinston, meet Ji-hye Moon, AKA Gigi. At first, I was pretty fucking pissed that you brought her to the house to fuck her. But after we got some footage, I was able to gather intel from students around campus. Not only is she friends with our very own Winston. But that filthy libtard hippie cunt, Sarah, is Winston’s fuckin’ sister! And not only did these bitches blow up my father’s ashes...they’re taking control of our entire fucking fake ID operation!”
Ryan paused. He unzipped his tote bag and withdrew an Uzi submachine gun with an extended suppressor. Twinston gulped as Ryan racked the slide and aimed at the photo at point-blank range.
“So, uh...what’s the plan?” Twinston stammered. “I mean, we ain’t got beef with Winston now, do we?”
“Word on Greek Row is that Winston and the girls are on the way to his Mama’s house as we speak. In my eyes, he’s harboring fugitives. That poor son of a bitch probably fears for their lives. Ha! Can’t I can’t say I blame him. I’ll be paying Cleft Falls a visit very, very soon.”
Ryan unloaded a 32-round clip into Gigi. 45-caliber rounds peppered the photo from head to toe. Finally, the barrel clicked, smoking and hissing. The photo was reduced to charred dust and ash on the floor.
Ryan fetched the cocaine, shoved his nose straight into the bag, and let out a carnal scream. Twinston slowly backed out of the gun range. He drove straight to the ABK house. But it wasn’t to confront Clyde about his cocaine empire. It was to warn him that Gigi’s life was now in danger. And given the history between Twinston and Gigi, Clyde would be a better man for the job.
***
The four freshmen were off to a late start to the siblings’ hometown of Trinity. Winston and Sarah were to blame. At the Chubby Beaver Cafe, they had challenged each other to a wing-eating contest (vegan wings for Sarah). Gigi had manned the ropes as Winston’s mouth-wiper; Tai as Sarah’s. Winston had won with flying colors. But Sarah hadn’t paid much mind, a lemon pepper smile beaming on her face. All she had cared about was being full.
Gigi and Tai exchanged puzzled looks in the back of Winston’s truck. “Hey!” she piped up. “Didn’t you wanna save room for your mom’s dinner?”
Sarah and Winston burst out laughing. Yes, their mother would be preparing a home-cooked meal from scratch. No, it would not be hamburgers and hot dogs.
“Oh, sweet summer children,” Sarah said condescendingly. She turned around in the passenger seat, her dreadlocks whipping Gigi in the face. “You have no clue, dude and dudette. See, we were born and raised under Mama Beavers. Do you know what that means? Why don’t you explain it to ’em, brother O’ mine?”
“With pleasure, sis! See, Mama Beavers is the most frugal woman on this side of the Mississippi. Prepare for a meal of epic backwoods proportions. Let’s see, Sarah. Do you reckon it’ll be fried gator skins or pickled chicken feet?”
“Oh! Don’t forget boiled okra soaked in fatback. Now that was quite a merry Christmas.”
Tai and Gigi contorted their faces in disgust. Their empty stomachs growled in protest. They hadn’t eaten anything all day.
“Hold tight,” Winston said, pulling up to the ABK frat house. He reached behind his seat and grabbed a wrapped present. A gift for Clyde. After Winston’s beating last week, the ABK president had turned in the Guitar Guys on aggravated assault charges. In return, Winston had torn down the Crenshaw Ave street sign, had fired a couple of pistol rounds into it, and had back-lit it with Christmas tree lights to create a custom neon sign. A rustic addition to Clyde’s man cave.
“Tai, will you go with Winston?” Sarah asked. “Gigi and I need a little girl time.”
Gigi’s antenna shot up. Winston and Tai got out of the car and headed up the driveway, intending to leave the present on their doorstep. Sarah whipped her head back, smacking Gigi with her dreadlocks again. Sarah rattled off questions like an auctioneer with Alzheimer's.
“So, how was it?
What positions did you try?
Were you drunk?
Was he drunk?
Did you use condoms?
How big?
Did it hurt?
Are you on the pill?
Do you need a pregnancy test?
Cut or uncut?”
Gigi flashed crazy eyes and forced a painful smile. She cackled psychotically. “Yes to all of the above!” A lie. “I...lost all control.” That was true.
Winston and Tai hopped back in the truck. “Welp, that’s that,” Winston declared, satisfied. “I think this is going to be the beginning of a beautiful-.”
“Gigi finally got laid!” Sarah blurted out.
***
6 PM: two hours until Ryan’s arrival
It was a painfully awkward car ride after Sarah announced that Gigi was no longer a card-carrying member of the Virginity Club. Gigi fought the urge to reach up front, pull Sarah’s dreads, and slap her to last week. But the passive Gigi merely sank into the hot leather seat while Tai and Sarah engaged in a heated debate about wearing leggings as pants.
“Um...I think you made the wrong turn?” Gigi broke her silence, tapping Winston on the shoulder.
“Nah,” he responded. Nonchalant. Robotic.
Winston pulled into Cleft Falls: a trailer park community in rural Trinity. A one-way bridge crossed the sewage runoff river. Dilapidated trailers were clustered on a small plot of land. Past that: a weed-infested open field as far as the eye could see. At the gated entrance, an old man with a shotgun snoozed in a rocking chair.
“Ay, Chuck!” Winston greeted, rolling his window down. “It’s been a while since-”
Chuck sprang up from his nap and fired birdshot into the air. Tai and Gigi screamed, hitting the floorboard. But Winston and Sarah laughed their asses off as the old man came to.
“Oh, my!” said the old man in a raspy voice. “Winston! Sarah! Hey, everybody, the Beavers are back!”
A flurry of broken screen doors sprang open like the intro to a Disney sing-along. Chuck raised the gate arm to let Winston through. Cautiously, Gigi and Tai sat back up in their seats.
Winston parked in front of the only double-wide trailer in the park. As soon as he stepped out of the truck, two little boys and a girl ran out of the trailer. “Winston’s back, Winston’s back!” they cheered, latching onto his knee and squeezing tightly.
“Oomph! Man, y’all are gettin’ big! Hey, easy now! Bahaha! Remember, hands off the beard!”
The kids wrestled Winston to the ground. Sarah leaned against the truck and crossed her arms with a sour face. Nobody ever paid the village liberal any mind...unless it concerned weed. Even the kids ignored Sarah to play with Gigi’s and Tai’s matching earrings.
“We picked these out together!” Gigi giggled. “Hey, wait! You can’t climb me like - whaaa!”
The three kids scaled Mt. Gigi with ease, reaching past her hair bow for that shiny silver earring. Gigi went tumbling down hard. Suddenly, the kids spotted something behind her, gasped, then sprinted away. A strong, calloused hand pulled Gigi to her feet.
Why...why do Winston’s rough hands turn me on so much?
But it wasn’t Winston. He was standing beside Sarah. The mysterious hand belonged to a short, plump lady in a denim pinafore dress and an ugly mustard flannel. A shaggy mullet that was the same shade as her childrens’ hair. Her rosy baby face formed a buck-toothed smile.
“Whale now!” cackled Velma Beavers. “I shoore hope y’alls hungry! There’s a’plenty chowda t’go ’round!”
7 PM: one hour until Ryan’s arrival
Gigi held her sour stomach on top of the trailer park’s huge dirt mound.
Dinner had been a stunning goat head and rich salmon carcass chowder. Winston and Sarah had defaulted to “We’ll pass, but our friends would love some!” Tai had snapped to the acting role of a lifetime. He’d gracefully dunked the ladle into the pot - only to spoon the chowder straight into the trash when Mama had turned away. Gigi was neither lucky nor skilled. So, she had sliced off a fatty portion of the goat’s cheek to garnish the thick, fishy brine. “It smells delicious!” she had lied, as the eye of the goat head mean-mugged her in that musty, cramped trailer.
Gigi vomited on the hill a third time, coating her tongue with hot stomach acid. There went yesterday’s breakfast. Now, she was starving.
“Ya know you’re sittin’ on a pile of dirt and manure...right?”
It was Winston. He walked up the mound and sat next to her. He scooted close, offering her a light beer and something wrapped in tinfoil. “Here, I whipped this up on Mama’s flat-top grill. It ain’t much, but-”
Gigi ripped open the Steak-Umm sandwich and shoved it into her mouth. She closed her eyes, letting the Grade-D meat, store-brand mayo, and Wonder Bread fill her empty stomach. Drunk food, you never let me down!
“Th-thank you!” Gigi yelped, hiccupping as she wolfed it down. She swiped the glass bottle of Bud Light Lime and took her first-ever sip of beer.
“It ain’t as sweet as that sugary cider,” Winston chuckled. “But we’re in a trailer park so that’s all we got. Now...while you eat, I wanted to have a word with ya.” Gigi nibbled her sandwich and sipped her beer, listening like a good student. “Shit, I feel like your dad,” Winston continued, scratching his head. “Giving you your first beer and...well, talking about...uh, sex. Look, I get it! I can’t be mad at ya for having your first experience and all. I just wanna make sure nobody hurts ya or takes advantage of you. So, I got a little gift for ya.”
“WHAT?!” Gigi choked, spitting out her beer. She looked down at the variety pack of condoms on her lap.
“Look, I know it’s weird,” Winston admitted to a beet-red Gigi. “I just...well, you never know when you’re gonna be in situations where you’ll need one and the guy ain’t got one.”
“Uh...Winston?” Flash floods from her night with Twinston.
“And who’s that type of guy, I reckon you’d ask? Well, I know him. He’s me.”
“Winston, stop.” She recalled when Twinston had pulled out a few seconds too late. After which, he’d fished out 50 bucks from his wallet for a Plan B...
“Okay, okay. One more thing. No means no, ain’t no matter if he’s more revved up than a Rausch engine at a tailgate, in the middle of the Indianapolis-”
Gigi stuffed her steak sandwich into Winston’s blabbering mouth. She gently placed the condoms on his lap while he fought a severe case of lockjaw. “I...I don’t use condoms?” she lied. “I’m on the pill. And I don’t have a boyfriend. It was...um, a one night stand!”
Winston spat out his food at Gigi’s shocking revelations. He cleared his throat, stood up, and chugged the rest of her beer. “I, uh,” Winston stuttered, catching a surprise light beer burp. “I’m gonna...get the guys ready for paintball.” He stumbled down the dirt mound, holding his head down in shame. Then, he straightened his shoulders, staring confidently at the sunset with his back turned.
“Sorry to be all overprotective and shit,” Winston muttered. “It’s just that...well, I’ve got a sister that I love. And I love you like a sister, too.”
Gigi’s heart pounded as Winston headed for the bonfire in the center of the trailer park. Gathered around was an army of rednecks in their 20’s and 30’s, suiting up in paintball gear. Suddenly, Gigi had fleeting psychotic thoughts of snatching a paintball gun and sticking the barrel into Winston’s gasping mouth. “You only love me like a sister?!”
“Whale, whale, whale,” cackled Velma from the top of the dirt mound. “I reckon at least one of muh family’s fixin’ ta marry up in this wurrrld. Thasss right. I reckon yew will live in a better place than this. Ain’t dat bad though. Some call’a muh home a trailer park. I like tuh of it as a...modular mansion. Oh! Muh baby said yew fixed his’a broken toof! That was mighty neighborly of ya’s.”
“Oh! It...made me happy to see him smile properly again. Your son is the brother I never had!” With that sudden admission, she politely bowed and headed for the bonfire.
8 PM
The trailer park boys had taken their sweet time drinking light beer and dicking around for an hour. Even Sarah had joined the fray, passing out joints like Willy Wonka. Gigi and Tai were sitting quietly in their lawn chairs, people-watching. “Let’s count how many times they pee on a tree!” Tai had suggested. They had soon run out of fingers and toes and had promptly given up.
“All right, game time!” Winston announced, picking up his paintball gun and firing off a couple shots into the air. They had purposefully delayed the game so that A: it would be darker, and B: they would be buzzed.
“Yee-haw!” cried a Coca-Cola addict with twelve teeth. “I want the purdy Asian gurrrl on muh team.”
“She’s a’mine, asshole!” responded a guy with teeth in the single digits. “I wanna shoot shit wit Miss Jackie Chan.”
Gigi smiled at her admirers, wishing for nothing more than to pull their rotten teeth and replace them with new veneers. Such a skill was beyond her reach...now.
“Man, y’all stop that fuckin’ nonsense!” Winston commanded, firing paintballs at a nearby tree. They exploded into glow-in-the-dark neon splatters. Soon, this entire park would turn into a meth-fueled rave. “Y’all know the routine already. Everybody open your hopper and look at your match. If the match has been lit, then you are it.
Fear drove Gigi to open her hopper first. Pulling out a fresh match, she slumped into her lawn chair like a proud dad after a good yard-mowing. She panned across the bonfire to see similar reactions from Winston, Sarah, then the snaggle-toothed trailer park boys.
Tai slowly backed away from the bonfire.
“Oh, my duuude!” Sarah crooned. She fetched a joint and placed it between Tai’s quivering lips. “Better toke up while you can. Should help with the gnarly pain that you’re about to experience!”
“All righty, then,” Winston called out, swiveling around to his teammates. “Y’all know the drill. Tai gets a two-minute head start. Starting-” Winston swiped the pistol from Gigi’s purse and fired a real gunshot. “-now!”
Tai shrieked, then jetted off into the woods. Winston and the gang laughed their asses off while a furious Gigi balled her small fists. She swiped her .22 back and kicked Winston in the shin.
“Ow, okay! Damn, Gigi...my bad!”
“I won’t sit idly by and witness my fraternal sibling mold his advanced bipedal hominid behavior into that of an ancestral neanderthal!”
Blank stares from everyone. Drool dripped down the meth heads’ mouths.
“I mean...I love you like a brother too!” Gigi announced to the world.
Meanwhile, Tai weaved between trees. He heard the burst-fire of paintball guns as the meth heads riled themselves up. Then, he stumbled over a gnarled tree root, plowing into a man wearing all black.
“Yo, shitskin.”
Ryan Hughes smacked Tai in the head with his Uzi, knocking him out.
After the two-minute countdown, Winston and Gigi cut their headlamps on and approached the woods. Unlike previous years, Sarah dragged her feet behind her brother, staring at the ground.
“Come on, scout,” Winston said, turning around to her sister. It was tradition for her to rustle bushes, scaring out prey for Winston to unload on.
“You don’t need me, bro,” Sarah said, smiling weakly.
“Sis...”
“Yo, Sarah!” a meth head called from further down the treeline. “Help us flank him from down yonder. And bring that kush witcha!”
Sarah took a deep breath, letting out a pilates sigh. “I’ll admit: I don’t dig this at all. Gigi and I sharing joint sisterhood with you, that is. Roomie, I never thought I’d say this...but I wish you two were in love instead.”
Sarah walked off. Winston’s headlamp illuminated the shock and awe on Gigi’s face. She quickly shut their lights off, then began choking on tears in the dark.
“Gigi, no - it’s all right, buddy,” Winston consoled her. He dropped his gun and pulled her into a hug.
“I’m...I’m ruining everything!” Gigi whispered, sobbing into Winston’s shoulder. “First, I ruined your brotherhood with the frat. And now, I’m ruining your sisterhood. I...can’t stop ruining your life.”
Winston cradled Gigi’s chin in the crick of his neck. He softly ran his fingertips up and down the petite girl’s spine. Gigi moaned softly, submitting to the harrowing strength of his arms. She pressed her ear against Winston's chest, listening to his sputtering heartbeat.
“If this is you ruining my life,” Winston began, “then please keep doing it.”
Winston released Gigi from his embrace. He reached up to her face to wipe a tear - but poked her eye instead.
“Eeek!” Gigi gasped.
“Ah, shit,” Winston muttered nervously. “Now if that ain’t some pure-tea-mouth-full-of-dick garbage. Fuck, I ain’t too good with words. Or aim. I-I’m sorry.”
“Well, that’s quite all right!” Gigi cheered confidently. “Because you just said the only words that matter. You gave me permission to ruin your life! And you. Can’t. Backpedal.”
Winston’s and Gigi’s phones vibrated. A text from Tai. Your buddies flanked me. I’m by the sewer. Meet me there.
“How the fuck did they reach him so fast?” Winston thought out loud. “Come on, Ji-hye.”
He...finally called me Ji-hye?!
Winston grabbed Gigi’s clammy hand and led the way through a labyrinth of gnarled roots and fresh spider webs. His stomping grounds for the past 18 years. Winston’s first kiss, first cigarette, and first taste of moonshine had all happened within this quarter-mile radius. All on the same day. When he was nine.
But no premature life experiences could prepare Winston for what he saw next. Tai lay face down on the ground in handcuffs. Towering over him was Ryan in all black, pointing a modded Uzi at Tai’s head.
“Whoa, what the fuck?!” Winston spat. Instinctively, he reached down where his paintball gun should have been. But he had been holding Gigi’s trembling hand instead. They had left their guns behind.
“I’m here for my bounty, Brother,” Ryan declared, beckoning Gigi with his Uzi. “Do you have any idea how much fucking shame she brought on my dad and our frat?” Gigi panned over to Winston, her face ghostly-white. “Not only did this yellow-bone slut defile my father’s ashes,” Ryan continued. “But she, along with this faggot over here, and your libtard sister stole our fucking fake IDs and kept the profits!”
“Winston, I’m fucking sorry, man!” Tai bawled, curling up in a fetal position.
Now Winston’s skin went pale. His allies’ betrayal was somehow more jarring than Ryan with a gun. Unlike this morning’s prank (commissioned for pure fun), Sarah, Tai, and Gigi had just stabbed a knife in Winston’s back and twisted it with a smile.
Winston released Gigi’s hand.
“Wise choice, Brother,” Ryan sneered, pointing the laser sight at Gigi’s forehead. “Now...walk forward, you fucking bitch!”
Gigi’s shoulders stiffened. Her large black pupils were resigned to death. She tossed a feeble smile Winston’s way. “W-what do you think we should do...brother?” A final attempt to muster what little sympathy Winston had left.
“I’m no brother of yours.”
“Please!” Gigi panted. “I was poor and desperate, and I really needed the money!”
BRRRAT-AT-AT.
A flurry of silenced Uzi rounds peppered a nearby tree, causing Gigi to shriek. Tai placed his mouth against the ground and wailed, knowing good and well he would be killed on the spot if he alerted the others.
“I guess karma’s a bitch after all,” Gigi whispered as a wet spot slowly formed on her jeans.
“Enough yapping, dumb bitch!” Ryan bellowed. “Get the fuck over here.”
Suddenly, Winston reared back and smacked Gigi in the face, sending her to the dirt.
“You fucking heard her, you goddamn double-crossing cunt!” With his steel-toed boot, Winston kicked Gigi in the stomach, causing her to lurch as she prostrated herself. As a million thoughts flashed through her mind, one stuck out.
Winston’s faking it? He must be faking it! Right?!
But fear struck the hopeful Gigi as Winston pulled out his Swiss Army knife. Even Ryan stared in confusion as he lifted her shirt up to reveal her slim waist.
“Bitch ain’t worth the fuckin’ bullet,” Winston snarled. “I’m gonna gut her like a fucking pig!” He pressed the tip of the cold blade on the smooth, pale skin just above her navel. Gigi sucked her stomach in, staring up at him with pleading puppy-dog eyes. He’s faking it, he’s faking it, he’s faking it! But the red-hot fiery pain that shot through her body was very real. A faint trail of blood followed Winston’s knife from her belly button to the cup of her lacy, black bra. A surface cut that ruined her immaculate porcelain skin.
The agnostic Gigi closed her eyes, murmuring a silent prayer as tears rolled down. But Winston spat in her face, breaking her trance.
“Fuck it! Let’s toss her in the goddamn sewer and let her rot with the shit and needles.”
Ryan narrowed his eyes, signaling both respect and approval. “G-goddamn, Brother. Now that’s what I’m fuckin’ talking about. Talk about a clever way to hide this bitch’s body!”
“Ain’t no cop in the world gonna search a trailer park sewer,” Winston sneered.
“Jesus Christ, what the fuck’s wrong with you, you fucking bastard?!” Tai blurted out.
“Shut the fuck up, you babbling fucking faggot!” Winston yelled. Taking out his frustration, he snatched Gigi’s ponytail and dragged her through the mud toward the sewer. She kicked, screamed, and gnashed her teeth as she felt the roots of her hair being pulled out. Tai’s helpless hand reached out for Gigi as they passed him.
“Go on, pick it up,” Winston commanded, pointing down at the manhole cover. “You made your bed. Now fucking lie in it.”
Gigi sucked in a breath and slowly knelt down to slide the cover off. As she struggled to lift, Winston noticed that she was no longer crying. In his eyes, she was holding onto some vain hope that this was all an act. Or that she would wake up from this nightmare soon.
“Yo, Ryan!” Winston called out, as Gigi set the manhole cover aside. “What d’ya say after this, we drive over to her mom’s house and wine and dine the bitch? After we’ve had our fun, we can snap her neck and toss the old hag down here with her daughter.”
Gigi’s face twisted into a look of horror that was simply inhuman. Her tears flowed freely again. Even Ryan’s hands trembled as he steadied his gun. “Jesus fuckin’ Christ, Winston,” he whispered, excited and hesitant. “Her mom’s that fuckable, huh?”
“Nah. But once she sees that gun, I reckon she’ll be willing to try on her daughter’s lingerie. If we ask politely.”
“This…is real,” Gigi mouthed through chapped lips and a hoarse throat. The hyperventilating, blubbering girl managed one last breath.
“I...f-f-fucking hate you, W-w-winston.”
Winston shoved Gigi into the sewer. A silent 50-foot drop. Tai buried his face into dead leaves, wailing like a dying animal.
“No fuckin’ witnesses,” Ryan muttered, cocking his Uzi. Tai’s short life flashed before him as the red-dot sight blinded his eyes.
“FUCKING COCKSUCKERS!!!”
Suddenly, a screaming man burst from the woods and tackled Ryan to the ground. A flurry of Uzi rounds pierced the air. Coming to his senses, Winston dived on top of Tai, shielding him from any stray bullets.
“Winston, what the fuck man?!” Tai screamed, ignoring the two mens’ struggle beside them.
“She’ll be fine, roomie,” Winston stammered, tears welling up at Gigi’s last statement. He averted his gaze to see that the mystery man had won the struggle. The man stood up with the Uzi barrel at Ryan’s head. Emphasis on ‘stood up’, because that man was Alpha Beta Kappa’s very own Clyde Crenshaw.
“Fuck me, I don’t know what the fuck to ask you first,” Winston groaned, pushing himself to his feet. Sure enough, Winston was stuck between How in the sam fuck did you know we were here? and How in the sam fuck are you walking? But none of that mattered now. Winston limped over to the sewer entrance and called out. “Gigi! Can you hear me?”
A soft voice echoed from below. “Mmm...wha...I...I’m here. What...what h-happened? What’s...going on? So soft...”
“Winston, you fucking traitor!” Ryan spat. Clyde pressed his Converse onto the back of Ryan’s neck - gun at the ready.
An explanation: Cleft Falls was North Carolina’s largest dumping ground of used mattresses. In the dead of night, drivers would back their trucks up to the sewage canals to heave their beds overboard. Twin, queen, and even king-sized mattresses would make the long, filthy trek down the sewage runoff, backing up to this sewer entrance. Winston’s mom would beg her young son to play outside while she brought over new men to the trailer. Young Winston’s favorite passtime? Stacking mattresses 10 layers high, climbing up the ladder, and swan-diving from the top.
As part of Winston’s plan, those mattresses had broken Gigi’s fall.
“Thank fucking God you’re alive!” Winston yelled, tears streaming down his face. “You’re safe now. No one can hurt you anymore. Clyde, I reckon you’ve called the cops?”
“You’ve reckoned right, Brother,” Clyde responded, calling him that just to piss Ryan off.
“Fuck you!” Ryan scoffed. “I swear I’ll fucking kill all of you!”
“Good,” Winston responded to Clyde, ignoring his former brother. His tears dripped down the long, dark descent, sprinkling onto Gigi’s face.
“It’s...raining?” Gigi asked, slipping in and out of consciousness on an old, surprisingly comfy, Tempur-Pedic.
Tai came up from behind and swung his handcuffed arms in front of Winston, playfully choking him. “That’s not rain! Hey Gigi, Winston is crying for ya! Remember, he loves you like a quote-unquote brother!”
“Ah, fuck me,” Winston chuckled, exasperated.
“Hey, Gigi, did you hear that?” Tai yelled again. “Winston wants you to-WAH!”
Winston shoved Tai into the sewer to join Gigi on Mattress Mountain.
***
Cop cars lit up the trailer park as Winston, Gigi, Tai, and Sarah stood outside the entrance. A shivering Gigi huddled for warmth beneath Winston’s childhood fleece blanket. Turns out those old, rotten mattresses had been soaking in every form of mystery liquid in the sewer. The smell was rancid. An equally-rancid Tai distanced himself from Gigi while he recapped the incident to Sarah. Winston stood behind Gigi with his arms wrapped around her waist. Gigi fell asleep standing up, snoring gently as he rested his hand on her scar.
“Whoa, that’s fucking gnarly!” Sarah reacted with dilated pupils. “Shit, I sure did pick a bad time to get high with the other guys.”
“You what?!” Winston and Tai’s voices cracked.
Sarah shrugged. Then, a tall, muscular guy approached. “Whoa, you’re...walking?! Fuuuck, how high am I?”
No-longer-permanently-seated Clyde joined the circle. He crossed his arms, admiring his own two perfectly-working legs.
“Look, this stays between you and me,” Clyde mumbled in his deep, baritone voice. “If word gets around to the other brothers…” He hissed as he dragged a finger across his neck.
“Hey man, we owe you our fuckin’ life,” Winston said, squeezing Gigi’s waist tightly as her breathing quickened. “Your paraplegic secret's safe with us. But...how in the sam fuck did you know to come here?”
Clyde’s stone-sour face formed a twisted smile. “I’ll spare you the details, but...Twinston tipped me off.”
Gigi was still fast asleep in Winston’s arms, and it was probably for the best that she was unable to react to such news. “I see,” Winston responded. “Shiiiet. He is my better half, after all.”
Clyde nodded, then walked toward his truck. Through the windows, they saw the custom paraplegic hand controls. A reminder that Clyde would now be returning to his wheelchair-bound self.
“Winston! Oh muh lawd, muh baby!”
A tearful Velma rushed Winston and Gigi, gripping them in a bear hug that only a Mama could muster. Gigi gasped, awakened from a dream of Winston spooning her on a floating mattress in the sky.
“Ahm so glad y’all’s okay!” Velma continued, showering her son with kisses. Tai grinned at a frustrated Sarah, who threw her hands in the air.
“Hey, what about me, Mom?” Sarah complained. “I got so high that I got lost in the shower! Why don’t I get any fucking love around here?”
“Muh sweet daughter, of course ya do! H’why, I reckon you’ll get plenty of lovin’ from the guys tonight! There’s a gig of trailer park boys just a’sleepin’ in your old childhood room as we speak.”
“WHAT?!” Sarah sprinted toward Velma’s trailer, hell-bound to get to those meth heads before they raided her panty drawer. Or worse: before they found her secret stash of California kush. Tai, Sarah’s closest ally, chased after her.
Winston, Gigi, and Velma made small talk about their Michelin-star dinner. Then, a five-year-old neighborhood boy approached. Gigi stopped laughing, analyzing the boy’s mutated facial features. Cleft palate. Severe underbite. Angular cheilitis.
“I’m vewy sowry for evewything. I hope you come back see us.”
Gigi crossed her arms and bowed, her huge brown eyes beaming pitifully. “I promise when I get my dental degree, I will return and fix everybody’s teeth for free!”
“Pwahmise?” the boy responded in wonder. Even Velma flashed a toothy grin at such a grand proposition.
“If I don’t, Winston has to kiss me!”
“Ewww, cooties!” the boy cringed. He turned around and sprinted off toward Velma’s modular mansion: the home base for all kids in the trailer park.
Velma leaned forward and gave Winston a quick peck on the cheek. “Stole ya kiss, Gigi! So long, son. I luh ya’s.”
Velma left for her trailer. The cop cars finally peeled out, heading for the county jail. Winston and Gigi stood alone at that trailer park entrance. As a cool breeze hit, she pulled his blanket over her shoulders. She closed her big brown eyes, leaning forward for a kiss...
But before she could, Winston placed a hand on Gigi’s shoulder, signaling her to stop. Her eyes shot open, and she shuffled back. “Oh! I’m...sorry! I failed to discern that the atmosphere of such a…rustic locale may sap the romance from a potential initial kiss! And fail to mention will I not the fact that I was stranded in a sewage depository! And...that I may or may have soiled myself…”
But it wasn’t the location or the smell that stopped Winston from kissing her. He took a deep breath and placed both hands on Gigi’s shoulders like a fourth-down huddle.
“Look at me,” Winston began. “Aside from this whole...fake ID debacle, is there anything else I need to know about?”
Gigi’s heart sank. She audibly gulped. Winston’s suspicions were correct, and all she could think about was Winston’s prized gun marinating at the bottom of Rumwood Lake. The lost gun that caused him so many sleepless nights - that prompted him to flat-out buy a new gun that he re-gifted to her, of all people.
After tonight’s battle, Gigi was in no condition to bury it in her conscience.
“Ji-hye,” Winston repeated her real name again, attempting to calm down the twitchy-eyed girl. “I just need to make sure I’m gonna be able to trust you.”
“I’m so sorry!” Gigi cried out. She buried her face in his chest and confessed the ‘where’, ‘when’, and ‘why’ of his prized Colt Single-Action Army revolver. But as she wound down her colorful story, Winston wasn’t seething. He was...grinning mischievously.
“Mom, now!” Winston called out.
Winston broke away from Gigi’s embrace, and Velma fired a pair of paintballs at center mass. Brilliant neon splatters coated Gigi’s small breasts in a dazzling display of sweet, sweet revenge.
Gigi’s jaw hit the floor. Then, with a bashful smile, she opened her mouth to speak.
“First rule of paintball,” chanted Winston, Gigi, and Velma in unison. “Never trust anybody.”