That reminds me of a story.
One that can now be told. And action taken.
Now that Esme and I are safely out of the Middle East for good, there is a story from a while back I have been planning to write. It’s going to be scathing, derogatory, call spades ‘fucking shovels’, and name names.
It is about the time I was arrested on bullshit, trumped-up civil charges and thrown into a Muscat Jail until I could come up with 10,000 Omani Rials (US$26,000) to purchase my freedom.
In the 20 or so years my family and I lived and worked in the Sultanate, most were responsible for good memories.
This one event, late in our tenure in Oman, soured it so thoroughly I can recommend Oman to no one wanting to visit the Middle East; much like disrecommending the Middle East for anything travel related. Sure there’s the Little Switzerland in Musandam to the north and the banana groves and frankincense trees in Shalala to the south; but everywhere in Oman you will have to deal with the sad-sacks, flubadubs and third rate hobbyists known as the ROP and the ones pulling their strings, the Diwan of the High Court.
The ROP is shorthand for Royal Omani Police. Or ‘Royal Ostrich Pluckers’ if you’re feeling chipper or the ‘Royally Officious Pricks’ if you’re feeling normal.
They are the most ignorant, ill-informed, indolent group of idiots with which you’ll be forced to tolerate.
Fully composed of Omani locals, it is a ringing testament to the efficacy of the country’s all-encompassing “Omanization” program.
It’s like the flipside of equal employment here in the states.
Here not only do they ‘legally’ discriminate on race, creed, and color; they don’t discriminate on ability.
Because they wouldn’t know the process of law, civil rights, or jurisprudence if it walked up to them, shook their hand, and pissed all over their shoes.
So, before we begin, let me note that this opus will be a wee bit exposition-heavy. I need to set the scene as I realize most of my readers will either think I’m making all this up out of whole cloth or be convinced it’s some sort of Doc Rocknocker potato-juice and citrus inspired fever dream.
I wish.
This is the story as it happened, in all its inglorious bastardry. Some might think its hyperbole, but I assure you, this is how it went down…
When my youngest daughter graduated from the American School in Muscat, Esme and I decided that since things were at a crossroads, both for my career and the oil industry. It was time to take a furlough, travel back to the states and get a little body work done. I was needing a valve job as I had a congenital heart murmur. It hadn’t been a problem until my later 50’s, but was now kicking up and giving me fits.
As in, it leaked. Therefore my heart was working overtime pushing bodily hemorrhagic hydraulic fluid around my not inconsiderable physique. I was down to around 15% efficiency on the outstroke when I was checked into a local teaching hospital located in FIB-land; that benighted state immediately south of Baja Canada.
It was there instead of the fine medical facilities of Baja Canada as Daughter #1 was studying for her DVM at a main FIB-land campus. Besides, I found out that I’d been having several semi-painless heart attacks, or ‘events’, as my cardiologist termed them, and was in no shape to travel.
This was just after flying some 17,500 Km from the Middle East.
Go figure.
I was slated to undergo a double-bypass and valve job, utilizing a bovine valve as I was too large for a typical human cadaver or porcine valve. However I needed 3 months to get back into fine fighting form before I could handle the open-heart surgery.
This was going to be a very long three months, indeed.
Now, exposition time.
In our stay in Muscat for the 18 previous years, we’ve had our identities stolen a total of three times. Someone, as it was discovered, inside Bank Muscat was taking and selling credit card, bank account, and associated financial information. These were being sold to villains, thieves, knee-walking turkeys, and other forms of marchers in the constant parade of human debris globally.
I’d get notifications of plane tickets being charged to my account in Lagos, mattresses and bedding in Mexico City, and meals and groceries in Buenos Aires.
All with the same timestamp.
Either I was the Flash or my credit info had been, if you’ll pardon the pun, swiped again.
I had to show up in Ruwi, the municipal borough south of Muscat. Then go to the Bank Muscat headquarters with my passport and prove that I wasn’t simultaneously in Nigeria, Mexico, and Argentina.
Thereupon, I’d sit with a yellow marker, a straightedge, and a sour countenance.
I was marking those entries that were not legitimate. I used a lot of yellow marker back in those days. It cost the bank hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of Omani Rials in write-downs.
Yet, it happened again about a year later, and again just before we left the Sultanate for our medical sabbatical.
It was this last one that was the catalyst for this entry.
I did the needful, sat with the head of credit fraud, marked out the illegitimate purchases, this time from Lisbon, St. Petersburg, Cape Town, and Bogotá. I produced my passport proving I wasn’t in Portugal, Russia, South Africa and Colombia yesterday; the date of all the false purchases.
True, there were about OR 1,500 in legitimate charges, for which we paid and for which I had receipts.
Well, this is where things went all sideways.
We left the Sultanate and I was getting back in shape for open-heart surgery. Esme and our Daughters were out shopping; but oddly enough they never used the Bank Muscat card as I had closed the account and destroyed the card.
Or so I had thought.
Anyways, ninety days later, my surgery went off without a hitch. I was, in fact, out on the street a scant six days after my new implant; a new hospital record. They also fitted me for a pacemaker and all the associated wiring, as typically people with new valves after some number of years invariably require a ticker-timer.
Science, people. It’s causality and correlation in this case.
So, I have about 50 feet of wire and a case for a pacemaker implanted in my chest. It’s a special case, one that’s intrinsically safe as I mentioned that I work with a lot of high energy Radio Frequency and high energy explosives. Since I don’t have the actual ticker-timer implanted yet, and hopefully never will, they’ve made notes to use a special type of shielded pacemaker unit inside the intrinsically safe case.
It would be, what we in the industry call a ‘bad thing’ to have a pacemaker operating at the same frequency as a remote radio-controlled detonator. They will take steps to ensure that doesn’t happen.
Nice, guys. Thanks.
So, I’m recovering at the hotel when Esme walks in after a lunch and shopping, looking like white death. Her back hurts, like a case of very severe indigestion or esophagitis, but it always responds to my ministrations and Rolfing back rubs.
Rolfing as in massage and not ‘Rolling on the Floor - Laughing’.
Until one fateful Tuesday.
Esme and Daughter #1 come home early as Esme is in obvious distress. Daughter #1 insists we take her to the very same institution from where I just graduated Magna cum laude, new-valve division.
Es demurs, claims it’s ‘just indigestion’, and refuses to go.
She groused all the way there in the backseat of my daughter’s car.
Into the Emergency Room, they get her vitals and the ER doc pulls me aside to tell me my beloved darling wife is currently having a ‘cardiac event’ and needs immediate testing and palliative medication.
“So, Herr Medico”, I say, “I may just be a Rock Doc, but you’re telling me my darling wife is having a heart attack right now?”
“In a word: yes”, he replies.
“Then what the fuck you doing out here? Get in there and fix her immediately!” I shouted.
He shook his head in agreement, called for a ‘crash cart’, and went to work immediately.
In the next eight hours; Esme, my darling wife, experienced at least six more semi-pain-free ‘cardiac events’, and actually ‘coded’ twice during the night.
That’s right. Esme, my darling wife of 39 years, ‘died’ twice during the night while the medical team paused for her test results.
She was scheduled for immediate bypass surgery in the morning. Daughters #1 and #2 were there for literal moral, emotional, and physical support.
Remember, I’m only three weeks clear of open-heart surgery myself; and it’s a good thing my eldest is used to dealing with large animals. She hip-blocked and slammed me into the sideboards when I nearly went unconscious when I heard that Esme had already been wheeled into the surgical theater.
After some O2, I was fine.
Physically.
Mentally and emotionally, I was a fucking train wreck.
Esme ‘coded’ three more times on the surgical table. Each time through, they brought her back with science, pharmaceuticals, and their skills.
Pentothal be praised.
After her surgery, I was taken back to the hotel buoyed by the cardiologist’s note that she was in fine form now after her extensive triple bypass surgery. No more coding, but her blood chemistry was a mess, as well you can expect. They were on it; and the overall prognosis was good to great.
I was greatly relieved. I sauntered back to the hotel, killed a short of Wild Turkey 101 Rye and slept the best I’ve snoozed since this whole tribulation commenced.
I recovered from my double-bypass and valve job in six days. Esme was finally released from the hospital a full twenty-two days since she first had ‘died’. We had some serious downtime coming to convalesce and recover. Our plans for a triumphant recent return to the Sultanate had been scuppered.
So, we lived the life of native FIB-landers for a while.
I created my own consulting business, one I could run from our apartment. I needed both the diversion and income.
Ragin’ Diplodocus Oil and Gas did just fine doing due diligence for small operators in the Illinois Basin. I wrote many, many procedural documents for these small operators to maximize their returns during this latest downturn in oil prices and how to best prepare for when they rise again.
As they always do.
Time wore on. Many trips back to the hospital to visit medicos and have them take blood, gesture hypnotically, and divine our future based on the numbers being returned from the testing facilities.
Things were moving along positively, and we began to think of our previous plans and began to think about heading back to the Middle East to finish up a stellar career. It was a good base to be from.
I received a call from a service company I did an enormous amount of business with when we were there.
They need an Expat Exploration manager.
Was I interested?
Yes, I was.
So a deal was made in Denmark, on that dark and stormy day.
We OK’ed the agreement after a short Scandinavian holiday that was eventually called on count of rain.
We returned to Muscat, in the Sultanate of Oman and spent 2 months in a hotel while we tried to find appropriate digs for us in which to live. Not too far from the mountains, not too close to swarms of people.
We ended up with a gnarly 6 bedroom villa in Bousher Heights near the mountains in southwest Muscat. Had an Omani landlord who was the finest kind. He was the type of laid-back, friendly, gregarious landlord everyone yearns for and rarely finds.
I made the mistake of thinking: “Great googly-moogly. This is certainly working out well.”
Until a month into our sojourn, I went to take out a bit of weekend cash and noted our Bank Dhofar account had been drained.
Emptied.
Cleaned out.
Exhausted of all life support.
Of course, the first thing you do is panic. Then you call the wife.
“Esme? What did you buy now? Our balance at the bank is 0.000!” I asked.
“Nothing.” She said, “Must be a bank error.”
“Great”, I replied, expressed my love for her and announced I’d get to the bottom of this mess.
I tooled over to Bank Dhofar and it took almost an hour to find a person with high enough clearance and adequate English to tell me that yes my account had been siphoned. But he couldn’t tell me by whom or for what.
He did note eventually that it was due to an old warrant against me; created, and passed while Esme and I were in the US recovering from heart surgery.
After a lot of knees-bent-running-about-advancing-behavior, and really bad noise, I discovered that Bank Muscat never cleared my old account as they said they would. They were holding my present bank account hostage until all 55,000 OR (US$156,000.00) was repaid.
They swore out a warrant for my arrest while we were in the US and not physically in Oman.
It was all in Arabic, which I do not read, speak nor give the tiniest shit about. It went through the local Arabic newspapers, again, while Es and I were in the states, and was passed to the local judicial Diwan where it was rubber-stamped as valid.
Now, since it was rubber-stamped as valid by the local Diwan; that meant I had no recourse. No filing for appeal. No rights, as I was just an Expat. And no recourse other than to pay the money. I instantly contacted the US Embassy, and they proved to be, as usual, totally buttfuckingly useless.
I had a bench warrant issued for my immediate arrest and they attached my salary, 100% of it, until I had paid back Bank Muscat what they claimed I owed. No matter how trumped-up, fallacious, and ridiculous the whole scenario was.
So, I immediately opened a new account at a different bank and had my paycheck shipped there monthly. The instant it hit the new bank, I ran to an ATM and drained the account before these bastards could glom onto it.
I also contacted Bank Muscat to go over this now 4-year old banking bullshit and have them provide evidence that I swindled them rather than the other way around.
We met with Bank Muscat meatheaded banking minions several times, and appeared to be making some very slow headway. I provided vouchers, check stubs, electronic receipts, and other forms of evidence that I had paid off my account. We closed the account before we left for the US and our tune-ups. I even provided pictorial evidence that I had sat with the VP of services from Bank Muscat highlighting fraudulent charges.
“Smile, Dickweed.”
It was proceeding, albeit very slowly. They had to find these records of ancient history.
Then they had to go with their ‘forensic bankers’, and since it was the Middle East, it went very slowly because of Ramadan, Eid, and all that related Islamic religious bullshittery.
Weeks dragged into months. I hit our new bank every month the minute my phone doinked that a deposit had been made of my salary. The powers that be were still keeping tabs on my old, now inactive, Bank Dhofar account and never twigged to the fact that I had a new account with a new and different bank.
They’re kind of stupid that way.
Then, one bright Monday night, out of the blue, I receive a phone call.
“Dr. Rocknocker?” the person on the other end of the phone asked.
“Yes?” I replied.
“This is Sgt. Total al-Fuckhead from the ROP. We need for you to drive to the ROP police station in Khuwair immediately. There are a few things that need explaining.”
This had all the earmarks of a set-up. A well-known scam in this part of the world where the local scum and villainy would call claiming to be police and when you arrive, they’d club and rob you blind.
“So sorry, Sgt. Al-Fuckhead”, I replied, “But I don’t know where the Khuwair ROP station is. We’re new here.”
They lie.
I lie.
“OK, then”, he agrees, “Meet us at the Starbucks coffee outlet on the Beach road.”
“So sorry, Sgt. Al-Fuckhead”, I replied, “But my wife has the car and is at a teacher’s meeting. We can’t get a cab out here because we’re too far off the grid.”
“Right”, he replies, “We’ll send a car to your location then.”
After 6 hours, and midnight, I retired wondering what the fuck to expect the next day at work, since no one from the ROP managed to arrive at our villa that evening.
Toddling into work the next day it was business as usual. Since I began my day at 0500 so I could personally talk with clients. Since the rest of the benighted Arab world doesn’t begin to ‘work’ until near 1000 hours, I had several hours of uninterrupted productivity.
Until 1030; when minions of the ROP ‘Special Services’ showed up demanding my extradition.
There were two fatback grossero muppets in faded, stained dishdashas and a couple of plain clothes types demanding to know where I was. Plus ‘just who I thought I was to avoid ‘facing my charges’’.
Having enough of this crap, I walked out of my office and announced, in a loud, steady voice, that: “It was I. Dr. Rocknocker, The Motherfucking Pro from Dover” and if they had some sort of beef, they could damn well take it up with me and quit trying to browbeat the poor, terrified receptionist.
“You will come with us, immediately”, one of the grosseros demanded.
“No, I don’t think so”, I replied, “Until you explain what’s all this then and I have time to call my embassy to inform them of Omani persecution of American Nationals who are legally working in this ignorant fucking country.”
Evidently, most people they deal with are so cowed by this announcement that the ROP is here to take them away, they fold like a soggy house of cards.
In the sand.
During high tide.
I’m not “most people”. I’m a goddamned overqualified ugly American and I know my rights.
I call the American Embassy and inform them that I’m being taken, quite against my will and on deceptive and bogus charges to Khuwair Police Station for “questioning”. I demand to meet a member of the US Embassy there, as is part of my rights, before I acquiesce and make these assholes drag me physically off to the borstal.
This gave the local federales pause. They’ve never dealt before with such a recalcitrant, intractable, large, annoyed, and legally knowledgeable person before.
But, since they came all the way down here and wouldn’t leave without either a prince’s ransom or my hide, I decided I needed a day off and said that I’d get my hat and we’d be off.
It was all laughs and chuckles on the 20 minute ride to the hoosegow/police station.
“Oh, we just need to clear up a few details. We’ll have you back to work in time for lunch”, one of the ROP’s finest lied.
Yeah. Right. Pull the other one…
But first, we’ll need your passport, residence card, Omani ID and other forms of personal identification.
“Oh, bother”, I replied, “Seems I left my passport, ID and Residence card home. What a shame.”
They didn’t ask for my GSM though.
I saw this one coming a mile away. Stripped of all identification, you’re so much easier to lose in the infernal internal machinations of the local constabulary. One has been known to be ‘lost’ this way for weeks.
“Oh”, was the dejected response.
So, we arrive at the police station/jail and I was told to warm a seat out in the waiting area.
It was 135⁰ F, no air conditioning, no water, no coffee, no fan, nothing.
Just a bare bench and a likewise seated group of mother-killers and father-rapers waiting on the Group W bench for their chance to decry their innocence to ignorant, indolent and deaf ROP ears.
I was dressed in business casual: long chinos, 16 EEE Cat work boots (non-steel toe), Polo shirt and invariable Black Stetson.
After a half hour of this, I wasn’t just hot, I was approaching meltdown; both physically and mentally.
Besides, the others on the Group W bench probably hadn’t had their annual baths yet this year.
I get up and pound on the door.
No answer.
I pound harder, wearing my usual black leather gloves which semi-disguises my work-related physical deformity.
A small peek-a-boo window opens and some braindead functionary asks in Arabic “What?”
“Get us some water, cold water in here if you don’t want to explain some heat prostration deaths. And find a fucking fan, it’s blistering in here.” I growl.
“ماذا؟ [madha?] [What?] was the reply.
"رئيسك. الآن!" ["ryiysik alana!"] or “Your boss. NOW!” was my reply.
OK, yes. I do know a little Arabic.
He saw I was sweating profusely and damned intercoursingly angry.
He fetched the Sergeant.
“You. Doofuck. English?” I enquired.
“Yes.” Was his reply.
“I’ll bet”, I mused as he totally missed my little radioactive-tracer-in-the-conversation pejorative.
Continuing.
“OK. Water, bathroom facilities, and a fan or air conditioning for me and my new noisome acquaintances. We don’t want an unfortunate International Incident here now, do we?” I demanded.
“You the American?” he asks.
“Not sure if I’m “The American”, but I am “An American”. The one who’s getting more and more pissed off the longer this charade continues.” I reply.
“Give me your wrists.” He demands.
“Kind of difficult. I’m using them at present and they’re still attached.” I replied.
He produced a zip tie and I get the general idea.
“Arms behind your back.” He commands.
“OK, Doofuck. By your command.”
I comply, and my wrists are now some 15 or 16 inches apart to the rear.
“Sorry, mate. Too much time at the gym. I can’t get them any closer. Considerable pectorali and deltoidae, don’t you know.”
For those late or new to the show, I’m a rather large specimen of the Genus Homo (Hush, you.).
As well as ethanol-fueled, but that’s for a later time.
Seriously, I couldn’t get my wrists much closer without serious effort, inconvenience, or come-along.
“Out front.” He commands as he zip ties my wrists together.
He orders me out the door. I’m to go to the Captain’s office and wait there. The rest of the guys on the Group W bench could all go hang evidently.
By the time we arrived at the empty Captain’s office, I was told to sit here and not move.
“OK”, I replied, “You want thes back then?” as I hand him the easily escapable Zip ties.
He was confounded.
It’s so laughably easy to get out of Zip-tie cuffs, it’s not even worth a google search. He harrumphs, and slaps me in irons: his personal pair of sturdy steel, US-made handcuffs.
“There. Now, sit. I will bring water”, he says brusquely as he exits the room with a slam of the door.
“Oot. Greet.” I reply in fluent gibberish.
Normally, it’s not too easy to get out of steel handcuffs. But when you’re bereft three fingers on your left hand, its child’s play to slip that one off, ratchet it forward and use the exposed tang to pry open the one on your right wrist.
The Sergeant reappears with some tepid water. I thank him and hand him his handcuffs back.
“How?” he gasps.
To be continued…

Hey friends. Looking back, seems like there's a lot of basic "any ideas for how to get sales" posts. I figured I'd share an article I wrote a couple of weeks ago in its entirety here. Hope it's helpful!
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I participate in a handful of coffee business groups across Facebook, LinkedIn, and other platforms. At least twice per week there’s a post by someone who’s starting to feel nervous about low sales volume.
Here’s one I saw recently.

I know it takes time to build up a customer base. I’ve had a lot of regulars and it’s only our second month, but sales still aren’t quite where I want them. I’m also impatient does anyone have any tips?

Replies typically revolve around a few key ideas.

• “You gotta get out there!”
• “Have you tried Facebook?”
• “More traffic will come, don’t worry.”

Many replies are transparent and helpful. Other times people suggest the person. I’ve even seen the recommendation to “just open a drive-thru” (no biggie, right?).
Having worked with a variety of both coffee shops and ecommerce stores, I’ve seen first-hand a number of ways that any business owner can hustle to drum up interest, traffic, and sales.
I’d love to share a few ideas I’ve seen work extra-well.

1. Go Fixer Upper On Your “Google My Business” And Social Media Profiles

For: Coffee Shops || Ecommerce Stores
If you’ve seen how Chip and Joanna renovate houses on HGTV, you know that even small special touches can go a long way in making a space feel like home. For your customers, the same is true for your online presence.
When potential customers see an Instagram, Yelp, or Google page that looks unkept, they’ll move on to another business that seems more active.
Here are a few ways you can tidy up your profiles in under an hour.

• Update your Google My Business page with donation and gift card links and information about curbside pickup
• Grab your business’s best photograph and make it your featured image on Yelp, Google, Facebook, etc so you can make a great first digital impression
• Copy this free linktree alternative template I made using Notion and create a more user-friendly experience for social media browsers
• Update your hours everywhere
• If you sell coffee online, sign up for Google Shopping, which is finally free for businesses around the globe

Search engines reward profiles that are complete — which means greater visibility and traffic — so if there’s an opportunity to add more information about your business, take it.

2. Reach Out To Local Newspapers, Influencers, And Other Media

For: Coffee Shops || Ecommerce Stores
Take it from someone who creates content for a living: we love it when people bring us ideas to write about.
Your local news station is always looking for the next story to run. Local influencers always need more fresh content for people who follow them. YouTubers, authors, local celebrities… these folks are in constant need of new ideas for things to promote or create.
So go find them and say hello.
I strongly suggest pairing some kind of promotion or discount with press coverage to make the most of the exposure.
Offer a new business discount, student ID deals, a birthday giveaway. Anything to inspire people who learn about you to take action.
This is easier for coffee shops and cafes, because they’re already community hubs, but even ecommerce stores can take advantage of this as well – especially if you roast locally and have local customers.
Read: 3 Lessons From Membership Marketing Coffee Shops Can Apply To Boost Customer Retention

3. Give Out “Free Drink” Vouchers In Local Community Spaces

For: Coffee Shops
If you’re really low on sales, you’ve just gotta get people in the door. And there’s no better way to do that than offer free stuff (who doesn’t love free coffee!?).
Visiting local community spaces (restaurants, farmers markets, networking events, etc) makes it feel like you’re integrated in the local community. People love that. And everyone wants to support a new local business.
When the coffee shop I previously managed first opened, the owner put a “FREE COFFEE WEDNESDAY” sign out every Wednesday from 6 AM to Noon to capture the attention of local drivers-by. And it worked.
Within a couple of months, many of those customers had become regulars because the habit and relationship had been established.

4. Find Allies By Engaging With Other Local Businesses On Social Media

For: Coffee Shops || Ecommerce Stores
When people ask you for recommendations on where to get a nice dinner or find a fun gift, I’m willing to bet you tend to think of the same 3-4 suggestions every time.
That’s true in business settings as well.
Business owners and employees love making local recommendations to their customers, and if you can develop relationships with those people, they’re likely to become allies and send customers your way.
(Holy cow, if I got a dime commission for every customer I sent to El Ranchito Burrito when I worked in the cafe, I’d be drinking Gesha every morning.)
I suggest you check out Erica Escalante’s advice for doing this on Instagram.

5. Start Incentivizing Customers To Leave Reviews Yesterday

For: Coffee Shops || Ecommerce Stores
Positive reviews are the lifeblood of any local coffee shop, but even online coffee businesses need them to stand out on marketplaces and platforms.
The thing is, a customer is 21% more likely to leave a bad review after a negative experience than they are to leave a good review after a positive one.
In other words, you have to make it worthwhile for customers to leave positive reviews of your business. Here are a few ways you can do that.
If you’re a coffee shop:

• Post a little sign with a QR code that kindly requests a positive review
• Give customers 10% off every order for the next week after they leave a review (they have to show the review date to validate)

If you’re a coffee ecommerce store:

• Create an automated email that asks customers for a review 5-7 days after they’ve purchased your coffee (here’s a quick guide)
• Send reviewers a one-time 15% off coupon as a thank you

Google, Yelp, Facebook… the placement of the review is less important than the review itself. Customers will naturally post to their platform of choice.
Read: Powerful moments = coffee marketing magic

6. Donate Coffee To Local Non-Profits, Schools, And Organizations

For: Coffee Shops
Another strategy we had great results with is building up community goodwill and exposure through donations.
Donated coffee is ripe for social media sharing. Think exhausted teachers who are grateful for a mid-day cup of coffee, or non-profit volunteers who are working out in the cold and need something warm to drink. Grateful recipients of donations always post!
We donated to a variety of organizations:

• School PTA groups
• Business meetups (think BNI or 1 Million Cups)
• Non-profit volunteer days and fundraisers
• Arts festivals

At the end of the day, your business’s health and direction are 100% up to you. Hopefully these ideas help make it a little easier to see ways you can make the magic happen through a little hustling.
Keep up the good work!

Hi All
I just wanted to provide an update to my previous post about my January earnings with how I've managed to increase my BeerMoney. As I said in that post I started looking at ways of earning some money in the evenings whilst my wife is on maternity leave in the hope of earning enough for more than just beer. I just wanted to share how I've been able to earn just over £1200 in 2020 to date using links shared on Reddit, my way of giving back to a community that has helped me so much. I've also added some new sites/methods from my previous post.
Tl; Dr. Had baby. Got poor. Reddit helped. Returning the favour for someone else in need.
Breakdown of Income
As you can see below my income has been split across a variety of methods, the main earners definitely being matched betting, Clickworker and Rebatest (not strictly Beermoney but certainly worthwhile). I've also done bank switching (£175 from HSBC) but won't cover that here, however there are some good offers knocking about for that.
Trading212
Trading212 offer a free share worth up to £100 if signing up to their service using a referral link from an existing user. I can't remember the Reddit user who's link I followed but I managed to get them (and myself) a free share in Ford. I've shared this link with a few places now and managed to get the full 20 referrals (my best was a share worth approximately £40 in AMD). There's no chance you're going to get a £100 share (from my experience and research) but certainly worth doing. You just need to deposit if following my referral link (although I've maxed out my benefits, you still get the free share). You can sell your share pretty much straight away, however you won't be able to withdraw the cash for 30 days (it can be reinvested though). I'd recommend waiting for the Coronavirus crash to recover before selling to maximise your earnings (no requirement to do so though).
I was looking at getting into share dealing anyway and Trading212 has been really easy (even made a small profit on some shares I bought).
Referral Link
Non-Referral Link
Matched Betting
I won't go into too much detail on this other than to say if you have any reservations about this don't worry. I've made nearly £180 so far. I signed up with HeadsandHeads, but there are other sites that walk you through it and really helps talk you through the offers and the process (I'm still learning myself but the more you do the more confident you get). I've also used TopCashBack (see below) to double up on some of the offers so always check there if they have anything that you can make the most of (BetFair in particular offered £15). There are a lot of guides on Reddit for Matched Betting. It's also a great time to start up with Cheltenham starting next week and loads of offers about.
On this, Paddy Power have a great referral offer and I'd appreciate if you could use this link, they're certainly a good bookie for offers and worthwhile signing up. I get £20 if you sign up and bet £10 with this (which you can easily turn into £7+ profit) using a matched betting guide, as well as there normal bonus offers: Referral Link Non-Referral Link
Just be careful, follow the instructions, and money is guaranteed. I've kept any liabilities relatively low so you don't need much available money to get started with this. Total BeerMoney £180.
TopCashBack
Hopefully you all know about TopCashBack (TCB) by now but if you don't it's free money for everyday shopping. Always check it before you buy anything and you get cashback on your purchase (usually as a percentage of the purchase price). My winners recently have been from following the advice on Reddit on using Monzo, Ratesetter and Worldremit, and looking at some other free cashback offers. I've had TCB for about 8 years now and I've earned over £1200. The referrals are also constantly updated and you can offer get vouchers yourself when you sign up EDIT: There's a new offer at the minute where if you sign up using my referral you also get a £5 M&S voucher.
Referral Link
Non-Referral Link
Clickworker
Clickworker is a website I have been signed up to for years from my time when I was a student. I dusted off my old account and found that the UHRS can be pretty lucrative if you get on at the right time and they have available jobs. I've earned a fair bit by just doing some tasks at ¢5 a time but they quickly rack up. There are other ways to earn through surveys, app downloads and recording videos. Withdrawals can be made when the job is payable (this is job dependent). I've earned £130 so far (with another £150 waiting to be paid)
There is a clickworker referral scheme if it helps you to get set up. Total BeerMoney so far £130 (+£150 pending).
Referral Link
Non-Referral Link
Rebatest
Rebatest is an Amazon rebate website where you can buy things, leave a review and get 100% cashback on them. So far I've had 17 things from this website totalling £340 (minus small fees to withdraw). Highlights for me so far with this are a lightstrip (think Philips Hue) (£39.99), some Bluetooth headphones (£23.99), a humidifier for my baby's bedroom (£49.99), child's toys (£15.99, £15.99, £20.99), handheld vacuum cleaner (£33.99), car boot liner (£25.99). I've sold a few bits but most of the items I've kept.
Withdrawal to PayPal has no minimum (although there is a small fee). The item availability is limited and needs checking regularly but can be great. Also good for satisfying the need to buy new things knowing that they'll be free.
If you use my referral code you also get £5 added straight to your account which can be withdrawn after you've successfully reviewed an item. I understand from Reddit that there is some reluctance on this but I've found it to be great/ Total BeerMoney (kind of) so far £340.
Referral Link
Non-Referral Link
HoneyGain
HoneyGain is an app that pays you for using unused network capacity. It's a slow burner but I tend to earn about 50¢-1$ a day. Withdrawal can be made to PayPal once your account has reached $20. This is a true passive earner that I have set up on my PC. This PC is on all the time anyway as a media server so I don't worry about leaving something on and its impact on electricity bills (I'm using HoneyGain to try and offset the use of the media server). You can also set this up on mobile phones. Even if you only use your phone, laptop or PC occasionally it's worth having on as it has no impact on usage.
Using this link you can get a $5 head start. Income varies daily but it is a good earner and from looking on Reddit there's a strong need for more UK users. Total BeerMoney to date £31.50.
Referral Link
Non-Referral Link
(In a similar idea I also used FluidStack to earn about £7 but they've updated the way they work and don't use Windows anymore. If you have a Linux system and a recent graphics card though you can still earn good (better than previous) money: Referral Non-Referral)
EDIT: *NEW* Ratesetter
This is another website that gives you a bonus upon signing up that I've realised has a quicker bonus than the TopCashBack route I followed. If you follow my referral then you get £20 credited to your account within 30 days if you sign up and deposit £10 (very good offer and free money which can be withdrawn once you get it credited). Alternatively there are some good offers for this on TopCashBack but you need to invest more for longer so not great for quick earning (wish I'd realised this!).
Total BeerMoney £20.
Referral
Non-Referral
*NEW* QuickThoughts
I really like QuickThoughts to earn Amazon giftcards via an app available on Google Play Store (I assume an Apple version is also available). This is a survey app that you can use as much or as little as you want. So far I've earned £30 in Amazon giftcards. The survey availability is pretty good and they always pay 50p. They give you an approximate time for each survey (some are only 1-2 minutes), and I tend to only do surveys taking less than 10 minutes, however if you have the spare time you can earn quite a bit from this. I reckon there's at least 3-5 surveys available at any one time. Accrued surveys can be exchanged for a voucher once you've reached £10. A couple of times I've been glitched out of a survey near the end but this is rare.
Total BeerMoney (Amazon voucher) to date £30.
Non-Referral
*NEW* London and Country
London and Country offer a free £5 Amazon voucher if you use my referral code below (I also get £5 for referring you) for using there online product finder for mortgages (or re-mortgages). I'm currently in the process of re-mortgaging so this was a very useful find as I was filling in a lot of these forms anyway. If you're in this position as well I certainly recommend it as a way of getting a free £5 (or if you're not you can still fill it in and just get the voucher). Once the form is submitted I got an email about a week later with the voucher.
I've had good experience with London and Country previously as they offer good, free advice. Total BeerMoney (Amazon voucher) £5.
Referral
Non-Referral
*NEW* Qmee
Qmee is another survey website but also offers an interesting twist if you install it on your browser. Occasionally when searching you will get sponsored links appear and when following these you earn money. I've had this going for about 3 months and cashed out £9 so far. They also have a good selection of surveys, although from my experience they don't pay as well as QuickThoughts and the selection criteria is a little harder to meet. Still worthwhile signing up though.
Total BeerMoney £9.
Referral
Non-Referral
​
Conclusion
It really has been quite enjoyable searching for ways to earn and certainly helped to lighten the financial burden of having a wife on maternity and having a new little person to look after.
I'm aiming to earn at least £150 a month every month this year so if you have any other suggestions please let me know. I'll happily use any referral codes for good earners and try and keep you updated on my progress and guidance throughout 2020. Next month I'm hoping to find the time to try Appen and SerpClix as these seem to be good earners. I've also tried Prolific in the past but I've never had an invite so not sure what I'm doing there despite having a full profile (if anyone has any advice let me know).
Thanks for reading
GlassPanda286

Hi All
I just wanted to provide an update to my previous posts about my BeerMoney earnings with how I've managed to increase my BeerMoney earnings for 2020. As I said in that post I started looking at ways of earning some money in the evenings whilst my wife is on maternity leave in the hope of earning enough for more than just beer. She's now gone back to work but I'm keen to keep this going, particularly now my earnings have been hit by Covid-19. I just wanted to share how I've been able to earn around £1500 in 2020 to date using links shared on Reddit, my way of giving back to a community that has helped me so much.
Tl; Dr. Had baby. Got poor. Reddit helped. Covid-19 happened. Carried on earning. Returning the favour for someone else in need.
Breakdown of Income
As you can see below my income has been split across a variety of methods, the main earners definitely being matched betting, Clickworker and Rebatest (not strictly Beermoney but certainly worthwhile). I've also done bank switching (£175 from HSBC) but won't cover that here, however there are some offers knocking about for that. I've also looked at my bank accounts to make sure I'm maximising their various offers and this helps earn an extra £20 or so each month (think rewards for spending, direct debits etc).
Matched Betting
I won't go into too much detail on this other than to say if you have any reservations about this don't worry. I've made nearly £260 so far. I signed up with HeadsandHeads, but there are other sites that walk you through it and really helps talk you through the offers and the process (I'm still learning myself but the more you do the more confident you get). I've also used TopCashBack (see below) to double up on some of the offers so always check there if they have anything that you can make the most of (BetFair in particular offered £15). There are a lot of guides on Reddit for Matched Betting.
Just be careful, follow the instructions, and money is guaranteed. I've kept any liabilities relatively low so you don't need much available money to get started with this. Total BeerMoney £260.
TopCashBack
Hopefully you all know about TopCashBack (TCB) by now but if you don't it's free money for everyday shopping. Always check it before you buy anything and you get cashback on your purchase (usually as a percentage of the purchase price). My winners recently have been from following the advice on Reddit on using Monzo, Ratesetter and Worldremit, and looking at some other free cashback offers. I've had TCB for about 8 years now and I've earned over £1200. I've recently taken out a new broadband contract and got about £80 from that. The referrals are also constantly updated and you can often get vouchers yourself when you sign up. Just keep checking.
Referral Link
Non-Referral Link
Clickworker
Clickworker is a website I have been signed up to for years from my time when I was a student. I dusted off my old account and found that the UHRS can be pretty lucrative if you get on at the right time and they have available jobs. I've earned a fair bit by just doing some tasks at ¢5 a time but they quickly rack up. There are other ways to earn through surveys, app downloads and recording videos. Withdrawals can be made when the job is payable (this is job dependent). I've earned £130 so far (with another £150 waiting to be paid)
There is a clickworker referral scheme if it helps you to get set up. Total BeerMoney so far £280 (+£15 pending).
Referral Link
Non-Referral Link
Rebatest
Rebatest is an Amazon rebate website where you can buy things, leave a review and get 100% cashback on them. So far I've had 22 things from this website totalling over £400 (minus small fees to withdraw). Highlights for me so far with this are a lightstrip (think Philips Hue) (£39.99), some Bluetooth headphones (£23.99, £49.99), a humidifier for my baby's bedroom (£49.99), child's toys (£15.99, £15.99, £20.99, £24.99), dog bed (£24.99), handheld vacuum cleaner (£33.99), car boot liner (£25.99). I've sold a few bits but most of the items I've kept.
Withdrawal to PayPal has no minimum (although there is a small fee). The item availability is limited and needs checking regularly but can be great. Also good for satisfying the need to buy new things knowing that they'll be free.
If you use my referral code you also get £5 added straight to your account which can be withdrawn after you've successfully reviewed an item. I understand from Reddit that there is some reluctance on this but I've found it to be great. Total BeerMoney (kind of) so far £400+.
Referral Link
Non-Referral Link
HoneyGain
HoneyGain is an app that pays you for using unused network capacity. It's a slow burner but I tend to earn about 30¢-1$ a day. Withdrawal can be made to PayPal once your account has reached $20. This is a true passive earner that I have set up on my PC and mobiles. My PC is on all the time anyway as a media server so I don't worry about leaving something on and its impact on electricity bills (I'm using HoneyGain to try and offset the use of the media server). Even if you only use your phone, laptop or PC occasionally it's worth having on as it has no impact on usage.
Using this link you can get a $5 head start. Income varies daily but it is a good earner and from looking on Reddit there's a strong need for more UK users. Total BeerMoney to date £52.80.
Referral Link
Non-Referral Link
QuickThoughts
I really like QuickThoughts to earn Amazon giftcards via an app available on Google Play Store (I assume an Apple version is also available). This is a survey app that you can use as much or as little as you want. So far I've earned £30 in Amazon giftcards. The survey availability is pretty good and they always pay 50p. They give you an approximate time for each survey (some are only 1-2 minutes), and I tend to only do surveys taking less than 10 minutes, however if you have the spare time you can earn quite a bit from this. I reckon there's at least 3-5 surveys available at any one time. Accrued surveys can be exchanged for a voucher once you've reached £10. A couple of times I've been glitched out of a survey near the end but this is rare.
Total BeerMoney (Amazon vouchers) to date £40.
Non-Referral
London and Country
London and Country offer a free £5 Amazon voucher if you use my referral code below (I also get £5 for referring you) for using there online product finder for mortgages (or re-mortgages). I'm currently in the process of re-mortgaging so this was a very useful find as I was filling in a lot of these forms anyway. If you're in this position as well I certainly recommend it as a way of getting a free £5 (or if you're not you can still fill it in and just get the voucher). Once the form is submitted I got an email about a week later with the voucher.
I've had good experience with London and Country previously as they offer good, free advice. Total BeerMoney (Amazon voucher) £5.
Referral
Non-Referral
Qmee
Qmee is another survey website but also offers an interesting twist if you install it on your browser. Occasionally when searching you will get sponsored links appear and when following these you earn money. I've had this going for about 4 months and cashed out £14 so far. They also have a good selection of surveys, although from my experience they don't pay as well as QuickThoughts and the selection criteria is a little harder to meet. Still worthwhile signing up though.
Using my referral link you'll get 50p (as will I) extra when you make your first PayPal withdrawal.
Total BeerMoney £14.
Referral
Non-Referral
BONUS: PiNetwork
This is very new to me as I've only been doing this a couple of days. Pi Network basically uses your phone (PC app to come shortly) to mine cryptocurrency. This works on both Android and Apple phones (I use Android). This app allows you to earn Pi without affecting your phone battery or performance. Pi's value will change so this isn't strictly BeerMoney right now, however has good potential to develop into something when Pi is listed for sale on crypto currency exchanges. The earlier you get in on this the more coins you earn. It's an opportunity to be involved in a project which could earn you something. All you need to do is login on the app and confirm that you are still active once per day.
If you wish to get involved use my username (NicePrettyPanda) to get set up. If you use this then we both earn 25% more Pi when we're both operating. Overall I do not think that anyone stands to lose anything from downloading the app and trying it out.
Non-Referral Link
Conclusion
It really has been quite enjoyable searching for ways to earn and certainly helped to lighten the financial burden currently looming over me from losing some wages. I've found that things seem to have slowed down a bit with BeerMoney (lack of sport hinders one big earner) but hopefully this list will allow you to keep things ticking over.
I'm aiming to earn at least £150 a month every month this year so if you have any other suggestions please let me know. I'll happily use any referral codes for good earners and try and keep you updated on my progress and guidance throughout 2020.
Thanks for reading
GlassPanda286

Joe: Hey, everybody, this is Joe, and I'll be your dungeon master for the "You Meet In A Tavern" Podcast. Thank you for joining us and giving us a shot. I want to say just right off the bat, laying this out there, we were super excited to start this podcast, so the first two episodes were before we really got our audio quality down pat. We are much better now, if you could just tell by my voice here, but if you get through the first two episodes and think, "Aww, man is it always gonna be like this?", I promise, promise it is not - we get much better - we add music and all sorts of good stuff, so, stick with us. If you like what you hear and you want to get more involved with the community of "You Meet In A Tavern," we are on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, all of those great social media sites at YMIATavern. We're also...we have a subreddit at ymiatavern. If you are a Discord user or want to get in touch with the community that listens to the "You Meet In A Tavern" podcast, we talk to community members, we talk to listeners about episodes, about D & D, about anything related to gaming and fun stuff, so, join our Discord. You can find an invite link on that on Twitter and Facebook or you can use the invite code FAecScM. Okay, guys, that's enough from me. I hope you enjoy the show and stick with us, and let us know what you think! Alright, see ya later. Bye.
​
*Theme music plays*
Joe: So, why don't we roll initiative to see who wants to introduce themselves first? So, Kirk rolls a 13.
Jamal: 3!
Brian: I rolled a 19.
Joe: Alright, Brian, why don't you go ahead, go. Why don't you say what your name is, and what is your experience with D & D if you have any?
Brian: My name's Brian. I have…very little experience with D & D. I am expecting to die…right away.
Joe: Alright, this'll be a great podcast then. Kirk, why don't you go ahead?
Kirk: Uh…Kirk. I played a little bit of 3.5. I don't know, what are we playing, version 5 now?
Joe: Yeah, we're doing 5th edition.
Kirk: Playing version 5, first time doing that. I will be your halfling monk, Tug Mugbar.
Joe: Nice. Yeah, we'll get to character stuff in a minute. Uh…Jamal – slash – white boy Chris Tinsley.
Jamal: My name's Jamal – slash – white boy Chris Tinsley. I have…no experience playing Dungeons & Dragons, but lots of experience with other nerd shit.
Joe: Alright, perfect. Alright, so, why don't we get into...players - who you guys are playing - your characters. And then we'll kind of get this thing started. So, we'll see. Brian, you want to go first, tell us who you're playing?
Brian: I am playing Karl, a human paladin. I am the youngest child of my family, and I was obligated into the paladin order.
Joe: Wait, wa-wa-wait, pause, pause. I might edit this out.
Brian: What?!
Joe: You do have a younger brother. We decided this.
Brian: No! I don't want him! Let him be Derf's!
Jamal: Yeah, he's dead. He died. Since last night.
Joe: Ha, ha.
Brian: Okay, fine! Can I...can I have a little sister?
Joe: Uh...yeah! Whatever, whatever. I might have to change some names, now, but we can say you have a little sister, sure. No, actually…it, it's...it's perfect. Let's do it! Alright. Karl, has now...your...your name is Karl...Withacay?
Brian: Karl, with a K.
Joe: But your last name is…Withacay?
Brian: Right.
Joe: Now, what I thought would be funny…if…if you’re Karl Withacay, but actually spelled with a C.
Kirk: That’s so conf…now he has to change all HIS documents and paperwork.
*Laughter*
Joe: Alright, scratch that.
Brian: No, we can do it! Let’s do it, that’s fine.
Kirk: I mean, get out the jumbo eraser, ‘cause we’re changing a lot of stuff right now.
Joe: No, ‘cause then I got…I gotta change all the Twitter, and the Facebook profile, and…whatever. It’s fine. You’re Karl Withacay, actually spelled with a K. Keep going. Tell me about your background and stuff. You have a younger sister now.
Brian: Karl Withacay. A human paladin. I’m the youngest male of my family. Therefore, I have been obligated into knighthood.
Joe: Sweet, sweet. Uh…let’s do it, Tug.
Kirk: Okay, so, Tug Mugbar. Halfling monk. A thriving…or striving to be bartender, but is currently just a barback at the local pub. Very angry little fella. That’s it. Like, that’s as deep as I want.
Joe: Ha, ha. Well, see the good thing about this is, so I told these guys to come up with characters, that were fresh out of college, so you guys…especially you, Jamal, who are a half-elf…you don’t really hit puberty until the ripe age of 65…so…
Jamal: Like in real life.
Joe: Ha, ha, just like real life. So, you guys can kind of develop characters as you go on, ‘cause you don’t really…you don’t really know who you are just yet. You know what I mean? So…alright. Go ahead Jamal, you’re up.
Jamal: Uh, my name is Derf Turftoe. I am a half-elf druid. Um…who was previously a burglar? Perhaps still a burglar…umm…likes to steal from rich people, and give his gains to…to…worthy causes.
Joe: You’re like the Robin Hood of druids.
Jamal: Yeah…something like that.
Joe: I love it.
Kirk: Yeah, except instead of having…bandit-related skills…he’s a druid.
Joe: Right. He’s the rogue-iest druid of them all.
Jamal: Hahaha.
Kirk: Staunch PETA supporter…
Joe: Right…
Kirk: Derf Turftoe.
Joe: Derf Turftoe. Alright, so we got a druid…a half-elf druid, we got a halfling monk barback, and we’ve got Karl Withacay, who is actually spelled with a K, who’s got a younger sister…named Jill. So, before we start this adventure…this quest, I just want to say a couple things – house rules – so, I don’t know if you guys have really gotten real deep into your characters yet, but we’re going to try do a bunch of roleplaying, so, if you’ve come up with some kind of a character voice, that would be sweet. It’ll make it a little more immersive than just yourself talking. Totally up to you. I just think that’s a good idea. When you guys, when we’re in combat, and we’re attacking, I want you to kind of explain your attack, not just “I’m gonna hit it with my longsword.” Like, tell me how you’re gonna do it, where you’re gonna hit it, that kind of stuff. We’ll get into more rules as we go on, but those are kind of the first couple things I wanted to say right off the bat, so…I guess I should introduce myself, too. I said I’m the DM, Joe. I’ve only really DM’d one other game. I do one at work, and then I also did the “Lost Mines of Phandelver,” the starting campaign that you get with the starter set. So, I’ve got a little bit of experience, but not much at all, so we’re kind of all new to this…just kind of looking forward to having fun and seeing what we can do. So…alright, you guys ready?
Jamal: Let’s do it.
Kirk: Let’s do it.
Brian: Yep.
Joe: Alright, let’s do it! So, let me reveal a little background of where you’re at.
Jamal: Pause.
Joe: Yeah?
Jamal: Did you want me to square away the questions I had about my character sheet now, or after we go through that?
*Laughter*
Joe: And so it begins! The guy who’s never played D & D before. Alright, why don’t you do that now? We’ll do that now. ‘Cause, I mean, we’re gonna answer questions, I guess, as we go on, and...
Kirk: They’re ALL gonna be from Jamal. Derf is gonna have all the questions.
Joe: They’re all gonna be from Derf, and they’re all gonna get edited out…no…I would like to keep some in…I mean, this could be a learning podcast…people could learn how to play D & D by this.
Kirk: Wow! That is a LOT of pressure!
*Laughter*
Brian: Learn how to play – poorly.
Joe: Right, very poorly. Alright, so why don’t you…what’s your question, Jamal?
Jamal: Okay, so basically what I did after, if this gets edited in, for our listeners, after we did our practice run-through, which was a fucking disaster…
Joe: Ha, ha…I had to save them…I had to use my DM godlike skills like, three times to make sure they only got hit with...one attack damage…
Jamal: Right.
Joe: It was fine.
Jamal: I decided to switch my stat…my attributes around to make myself a little less killable.
Joe: Right.
Jamal: So, I switched my dexterity and intelligence, and I’m just a little unclear on how that affects my saving throws, and my skills…because that was two or three weeks ago.
Joe: So, your dexterity modifier, next to your skills, you’ll see this little grayed out part that says dex?
Jamal: Ya.
Joe: Yeah, so and, a lot of, they say whatever ability kind of ties with that skill, so your modifier’s gonna go in that box, and then…when we created characters, in your character sheet it told you what skills you were proficient in, or which ones you could pick, and you filled in that bubble. So, the skills get that modifier on your ability, but then you add two for whichever ones you’re proficient in. So, say your dex is +3, and you pick sleight of hand to be your proficiency, you would get a +5, ‘cause you would get 3 for your ability, and 2 for your proficiency.
Jamal: And then for saving throws, I get…the…druids get…have intelligence and wisdom which means I get…
Joe: Yeah, you get +2 to your saving throws.
Jamal: +2 in those automatically?
Joe: Yep. Same, same thing as skills, you add, you put your ability modifier…
Jamal: Well I have +1 intelligence which means I have 3 intelligence for my saving throw…
Joe: Correct, correct.
Jamal: 3 for dexterity, and 5 for … we’re on the same page.
Joe: Spot on.
Jamal: And then final question is…because I changed my dexterity, my armor class…my armor…what is it, AC? Armor class changes.
Joe: Ya, ya, yeah.
Jamal: Umm…how does that work? I have leather armor…let me get to that…
Joe: Yeah, if you look in the player’s handbook, it’ll tell you what leather armor is. Looks like leather armor is…that’s light, so it’s 11 plus your dex. That’s your AC.
Jamal: So that would give me…14?
Joe: If your dex is +3? Yes.
Jamal: Ok.
Joe: Yep.
Jamal: That’s not as big of a help as I had hoped. But, that’s ok.
Joe: Alright. Is that the end of the Jamal question time, for now? Are we ready?
Jamal: I mean, yeah, let’s say sure.
Joe: Are you ready to meet in the tavern?
Brian: What kind of meat is it?
*Cheeky laughter*
Joe: He’s got jokes! Alright. You ready?
Brian: Yep.
Joe: Okay, background time. You guys are in a town called Woodhaven. I’ll read you a little bit about it. The rutted king’s road leads to the foot of a broad hill that holds the walled village of Woodhaven. The village is nestled in the northern foothill of the Hagedorn Peaks. The walls are weathered stone topped by defensive palisades. Small thatched homes stand around Woodhaven, each fronting a small piece of farmland, or pasture. Beyond the farms to the north and west, lie the dark, misty woods, and to the east, tall mountain peaks. The population of Woodhaven is predominantly human, with a scattering of dwarven families, and a handful of individuals of other common races, such as halflings and elves. Most of the villagers have never traveled beyond the village veil. The majority of the villagers are farmers. Though the walled heart of Woodhaven employs various craftspeople as well. The nearest town is a five days ride to the east. The wagons occasionally travel through town causing villagers to excitedly gather in the market square to hear news of the outside world, and to buy new and exotic goods. The knowledge you have of the world outside Woodhaven is limited to the tales you hear at the annual harvest festival, where merchants from around the world visit Woodhaven to sell their wares. Over the years, you’ve heard tales of mystical mountain ranges that reach above the clouds, vast deserts that span the edge of the world, horrifying creatures that lurk in deep ocean waters, and an evil that lurks far below the ground beneath your feet. So, the story begins, with you guys in a small tavern, inside the town of Woodhaven. The tavern is named the Leaky Toad. And, I suppose, Tug, you probably barback here.
Kirk: Yeah, I’m working right now.
Joe: The town is bustling with activity as everyone is preparing for the Harvest Festival, where merchants from around the land come to sell their wares. So, this is basically, the Harvest Festival is basically like a big flea market. Merchants from around the…around the, you know within like 100 miles of Woodhaven come, and everyone really looks forward to it every year. It’s kind of got like a carnival atmosphere. There’s games, there’s shops, there’s all sorts of stuff. Tug, you’re just getting off work, actually, so, you’ve been working kind of all morning. And, Derf and Karl, you guys decided to meet up at the tavern to see him off work, and have some quick beer before heading out. Karl, your younger sister…we’ll call her Jill…kind of follows you guys around all the time. She’s kind of a tomboy. She’s got short, short black hair. Likes to follow you around. She usually wears a long, dusty coat that she found in your all’s attic, a wizard’s hat, carries around a wooden sword, and she’s only about eight years old, so she’s just running around the tavern, ducking around barstools, and starting up chat with some of the other customers. So, yeah, so Tug, you just got off work. You guys are just kind of sitting there by the fireplace waiting to start the festival…uh, what’re you…what’re you drinking?
Kirk: Well, uh, obviously getting off work and being the resident, uh…Leaky Toad professional…I walk over with a couple pints of their finest…uhhh…Toad Sweat Ale.
Joe: Is that an amber?
Kirk: And I say it’s brand new. And special glasses, you have to lick the glass before you take a drink, kind of like a margarita, if I can use new world references.
Joe: Sure…
Kirk: Lick the salt, and then you have a drink. It’s weird, there’s just a film on the glass…it’s not any like, salty, consistency stuff, so…that’s a…that’s a Sweaty Toad…or Toad Sweat or whatever I called it…and that’s what we’re having. And I’m already…wasted, by the way.
Joe: You’ve been drinking with the patrons.
Kirk: I partake when I work.
Joe: Right. You do like…
Kirk: My work is a pregame for my evening.
Joe: Like, you get a shot, I get a shot.
Kirk: So, pretty much, I couldn’t operate a wagon right now.
Joe: Okay. Well, that…that’s good, because you’re not gonna be operating any wagons. Okay, cool, so you guys are…you’re kind of imbibing, you’re a little tipsy, it’s been a couple hours since you’ve been there, feeling pretty good. And, you ready to do some festival shit?
Kirk: Hold on, is…Jill here with us?
Joe: Yeah, Jill’s just kind of running around…she kept coming up to your table, asking if you could, if she could have some drinks, and Karl as the protective big brother was like “No, no, no, Jill. Just…just leave us alone. Go do your…whatever thing.”
Kirk: Let the record show…that when I walked up to the table and she was sitting down, I did push her out of a chair.
*Laughter*
Kirk: Let the record show.
Joe: Great. Great. Fantastic. Karl, how do you feel about that?
Brian: I allow it…I mean…she’s really annoying. I just keep her around ‘cause somebody has to keep an eye on her.
Joe: Yeah, okay. Good. Sweet. Alright, so yeah, you guys finish up your last gulp of Sweaty Toad…
Kirk: I lick the glasses to make sure we got all the slime or whatever it was…film.
Joe: Tug takes a nice little lick of all the glasses leftover. You guys start to head toward the door. Jill sees you and kind of runs after you, trailing your heels. And you open the door to the streets of Woodhaven, and all you see is activity. You see there’s big tents that have been pitched up in the town square. You see a bunch of different shops, and stalls for games, and food, and shopping. There’s a bunch of kids running back and forth through the alleyways. Jill doesn’t really seem interested in that. She kind of wants to follow you guys, at least she looks up to you. You see jugglers and dancers on the street, attracting the attention of several mobs of people. And most of the people, you know. I mean, you’ve lived in this town your whole life. The shop owners, and the people that are selling their wares, or running the games, you might have…are not used to seeing, just because they’re from out of town. But you know most of the guests, or the townspeople. A few stalls immediately catch your attention. You see a large green tent to your right, that looks like it’s holding dozens of cages of various sizes, coming from which you can hear a conglomeration of growls, and barks, and chirps and stuff. Near this tent, there’s a large, wooden wall, that’s covered in targets. You see an old man running around…running some sort of dagger throwing game. Opposite side of the street, you see this old woman hovering over a few tables of knickknacks and obscure items that you’ve never seen before, so…I’ll let you guys decide, kind of where you wanna…where you wanna head, and what you wanna do.
Kirk: I vote for the cages.
Jamal: Yep, yep. Seconded.
Joe: Yeah, the druid wants to go see the animals.
Jamal: Hahaha.
Joe: Alright, so you guys walk up to this big tent, and you see all sorts of creatures…you see birds, and rabbits, and a few things that you can’t, you’ve never seen before in your life, like four-legged things with beaks and strange, feathered tails. And, this old lady…oh, by the way, I guess we should kind of figure this out, let’s just say you guys all have 5 gold pieces. You spent a lot of your money at the bar, and you guys have just a little bit leftover. You weren’t really preparing to do a whole lot of shopping. You mostly just wanted to drink, and have fun. So, you guys have about 5 gold pieces. So yeah, this lady approaches you, and you guys walk up to the tent, and she’s like “Hmmm, hellooo, how are you doing? What are you looking for today? I’ve got plenty of magical beasts, and mystical creatures that you might be interested in.”
Kirk: (Tug) “So do we like, fight ‘em?” That’s…Tug is asking this to the lady, “Do we fight ‘em?”
Joe: (Old Lady) “No, you don’t have to fight them. They’re for keeping, and safe…safely. I’m not going to sell you anything you’re gonna...“
Kirk: (Tug) “Well, how do we win this game? How do we win the game, then?”
Joe: (Old Lady) “It’s not a game. I’m selling these things. Do you guys want anything, or are you just here to bother me? You guys look like kind, kind folk. Would you…would you be interested in maybe like…um…a parakeet…to keep you company? Maybe a small newt?”
Brian: (Karl) “Do you have any lions?”
Joe: (Old Lady) “No, fresh out of lions. Last one got taken this morning, sorry.”
Brian: (Karl in British accent) “What is the most exotic animal that you have?”
Joe: (Old Lady) “Did you just…become British? Is your character British now?”
Brian: (British Karl) “Oh, I most definitely did. I’m the man of a MILLION impressions!”
Joe: (Old Lady) “Oh, impressions! I love impressions! What’s your best impression?”
Kirk: (Tug) “That costs 2 gold pieces.”
Joe: (Old Lady) “Oh, impre…oh, right…oh, you want 2 gold pieces for…well, let…I…I’ll tell you what…you do your impression and I’ll pay for the…how good it is.”
Brian: (Karl) “What would you like an impression of, milady?”
Joe: (Old Lady) “Hmmm, oh, I’ve always…I’ve always wanted a…could you do…could you…how bout…I don’t know this place because this is a fantasy world, but would you do a Scottish accent please?”
Brian: (Karl) “Uh, I don’t do that one…that’s the one I don’t do.”
Joe: (Old Lady) “Oh, the…oh, the only one…oh, shucks. Well, just throw anything at me. I’m open. Let’s hear it.”
Brian: (Karl in southern hillbilly accent) “Well, wha’d ye like to hear, I can go out some bail some hay.”
Joe: (Old Lady) “Ohhh, my goodness that’s hilarious. What is that?”
Brian: (Karl in same accent) “The druid.”
Joe: (Old Lady) “The druid? The one that’s next to you?”
Brian: (Karl in same accent) “Yeh, he likes animals. He came straight from the farm.”
Joe: (Old Lady) “Oh, goodness, that’s…I’m…that’s embarrassing for you I guess. I tell you what… here’s…I tell you what, as a party, I’ll let you three decide. You can have…you can have any of these beasts, just for that impression. I’ll give you any of these beasts. Let me list them off for you, what you can afford. I’ll let you…I’ll let you pay me…”
Kirk: (Tug) “Afford? It’s free!”
Joe: (Old Lady) “No, well…no. I’m still gonna ask for a little bit of gold. I mean, the impression was good, but fuck, it wasn’t THAT good, gimme a break. I tell you what…you can have…I’ve got this small, two inch tall white tawny owl…I’ve got a small newt…or, I’ll let you take this…uh…rat…I found by the sewers this morning.”
Jamal: (Derf) “What was the first one? I don’t know if it was my…me or you, but you cut out for a second.”
Joe: (Old Lady) “It was a small two inch tall tawny owl. Little white…little white thing.”
Kirk: (Tug) “Those all sound terrible. Can we not have any of those? Can you just pay us for the impression?”
Jamal: (Derf) “Um…”
Joe: (Old Lady) “Fine…what do you say, druid?”
Jamal: (Derf) “Let me ask you this…I have a cantrip called…”
*Laughter*
Jamal: This is a question for…this is a question for Joe, not the shopkeeper…I have a cantrip called Druidcraft, which lets me do…distracting shit. Can…can I use that and then steal…the rat?
Kirk: New plan, I’m just gonna try and steal the rat.
Joe: Hahaha. Um…okay, yeah, I mean, yeah. But if you wanna try it, what kind of distraction…do you have to roll something, or just make a distraction?
Jamal: Uh…what happens when I do Druidcraft is whispering to the spirits of nature, I create one of the following effects within range. And the relevant one here is create an instantaneous, harmless sensory effect, such as falling leaves, a puff of wind, the sound of a small animal, or the faint odor of skunk.
Joe: So wait, let me…
Kirk: So you’re fake farting in her face.
Joe: Yeah. You’re gonna…
Kirk: You’re farting on an old lady.
Jamal: I would like to create a small puff of wind on something nearby…which will make a sound…will distract the shopkeeper…and then use my spell…and animal handling, which I am proficient in both…to steal the rat.
Joe: Uh…okay… *laughs* I’ll let you try it. I want to say…just…first of all, you’re in a tent full of animals, and you’re gonna make a small puff of wind noise, like that’s gonna be something that she’s gonna be like “Oh shit! What was that?!”
Kirk: *laughs*
Jamal: She only has to turn away for a second! I have excellent stealth, and sleight of hand.
Joe: Maybe like…are you gonna blow it on her neck? Is that what you’re gonna do? Like…
Brian: Oh my god…
Joe: Okay, um…so you’re gonna…well, okay…
Kirk: (Tug) “Here, here you go. Hold on, I got…Tug’s got an idea.”
Joe: Alright, I wanna hear it…’cause the animals are…the animals are…locked in cages. So, it’s gonna have to be more than a sleight of hand check to blow a small gust of wind and unlock a cage and take a rat out real quick.
Jamal: (Derf) “And the cages…”
Kirk: (Tug) “I try and throw…I try and throw a dagger to kill the rat…so we have nothing to steal so we can move on.”
Joe: Uh, okay!
Kirk: (Tug) “Whaddya think about that, Derf?”
Jamal: (Derf) “I wanted to steal the rat!”
Joe: Listen, you guys have 5 gold pieces!
Jamal: (Derf) “She’s not gonna sell us the animal now.”
Joe: You can just buy the rat without killing it. You wanna just do that?
Kirk: (Tug) “Karl, let’s get outta here, man.”
Brian: (Karl) “I can’t allow you to steal anything. It goes against my moral code.”
Kirk: (Tug) “Ughhhh.”
Joe: Alright, all the time you guys are…
Jamal: (Derf) “Since my compatriots are…LAME…I’ll just buy the fucking rat.”
Joe: (Old Lady) “Oh! Good! Thank goodness! I was overhearing you guys talking about killing it? And I don’t know what was happening! But fine, give me your 5 gold pieces. Here’s your rat.” She hands you…she hands you a cage, and this little scroungy, dark brown rat. It’s about…5 inches long, maybe. It was kind of scurrying around, but you take it with you.
Kirk: Okay, real talk. Tug tries to steal the money that Derf just gave to the old lady.
Joe: No. She says “Okay…get on your merry little way now. Go do something else.”
Kirk: Nope, I sleight of hand. I’m going for it.
Jamal: Can I distract the old lady to help Tug steal the money back?
Joe: Ok…alright, alright, Tug…go ahead. Give it a shot. Roll a d20.
Kirk: 21.
Joe: God damnit. Alright…as she…as she turns around to kind of go back to her other customers…you reach into her back pocket and take the 5 gold pieces back. Now, do you do this…do you tell Derf you’re doing this, or do you just want 10 gold pieces?
Kirk: No, of course not. Of course not.
Joe: Okay, alright. Fair enough. So you guys…when you walk out of this tent, you still see across the way this lady with a bunch of knickknacks, and kind of to your left there’s this dart throwing game. Jill has been watching this, this whole time, just kind of following you guys around not saying anything.
Kirk: (Tug) “Uh…”
Brian: (Karl) “I think we should go to the dart throwing game?”
Kirk: (Tug) “Dart throwing game? Let’s do it.”
Brian: (Karl) “Yep.”
Joe: Okay, alright, you guys…
Brian: (Karl) “I’d like to bring Jill along with me.”
Joe: Of course, yeah. Jill is kind of trailing at your heels no matter where you go, so you guys are gonna head over to that dart throwing game, and…old man sees you guys kind of approach his little makeshift…countertop that just goes right above Jill’s head, and says “Step right up, step right up! Try my dart throwing game! Hit the right target, and you win a prize! Who’s ready? Five gold pieces apiece, a throw. Who’s ready?"
Brian: (Karl) “I am ready, good sir. And not only that…I would like to make a wager.”
Joe: (Old Man) “A wager, you say? Hmmm…I could be interested…what do you mean? What kind of wager?”
Brian: (Karl) “I have my younger sister Jill with me.”
Joe: (Old Man) “Yes?”
Brian: (Karl) “I have 5 gold pieces. I bet my 5 to your 20 that if you put an apple atop her head, I will hit it with said dart.”
Joe: (Old Man) “Are you s…well…they’re daggers, they’re not darts. But okay…”
Brian: (Karl) “I hear you said darts!”
Jamal: (Derf) “You did say darts a second ago.”
Brian: (Karl) “Darts, I can throw darts! I can throw daggers! I can throw ANYTHING!”
Joe: (Old Man) “These are…these are… I wouldn’t want to harm your little sister, these are actual, sharp, real daggers. Um…I’m gonna go ahead and…decline that wager, that sounds pretty dangerous, and you know, insurance, and liabilities and whatnot, can’t be responsible for that.”
Brian: (Karl) “Coward.”
Joe: (Old Man) “Oh, no, no. Potato, potato. You wanna try the game anyway?”
Brian: (Karl) “I suppose.”
Joe: (Old Man) “Okay, alright.”
Kirk: (Tug) “How come this guy has the same voice as the animal lady? This is suspicious. It might be the same person we just got.”
Joe: Oh wait…was I doing that…okay…ahhhhh…
Kirk: Tug isn’t falling for it. He knows it’s the old lady, and he tries to pull her wig off.
Joe: (Old Man) “Oh, what are you doing? Stop. Okay, alright, alright. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Like I was saying, dagger game! Yes, alright, here’s a dagger, here’s a dagger. There’s 6 targets on the wall behind me. You are gonna throw your dagger at one of the targets…and a randomly selected target…behind one which lies a great prize.”
Brian: (Karl) “I choose the smallest target!”
Joe: (Old Man) “That would be…they’re all…they’re all the same size.”
Brian: (Karl) “Give me TWO…daggers, and I will hit TWO…targets!”
Joe: (Old Man) “Well then…then that’s…10 gold pieces…you really don’t understand how this game works, do you? Okay...5 gold pieces...”
Brian: (Karl) “Are we throwing some daggers or what?!”
Joe: (Old Man) “Okay, alright. Here’s a dagger.” So, what you’re gonna do, Brian, is you’re gonna roll…sorry, Karl…Withacay…you’re gonna roll a d6, and I’m gonna roll a d6, and if we get the same number, you’re gonna win a prize.
Brian: So, just roll a d6, not my modifier?
Joe: Roll a d…no you don’t add a modifier to…
Brian: Oh, I added a modifier…
Joe: You just roll a d6. Roll a d6.
Brian: I got 1.
Joe: Okay, I got a 2, so you hit the first target on the top left and you hear this *losing sound* noise. (Old Man) “Ohhh, sorry. Sorry about your luck. Anybody else? Anybody else…”
Brian: (Karl) “I demand another dagger!”
Joe: (Old Man) “Well, that’s 5 gold pieces, thank you very much.”
Kirk: I have daggers…Tug has daggers, he slips him one.
Jamal: What’d you say?
Kirk: Tug has daggers. I slip Karl Withacay one.
Joe: (Old Man) “Umm…you don’t have my daggers.”
Kirk: (Tug) “Throw the dagger!”
Brian: I throw the dagger!
Joe: You throw the dagger, and it hits a target, and nothing happens because it’s not this guy’s dagger.
Kirk: Tug elects not to do anything more here, because it’s super lame, and he wants to go see the knickknacks.
Joe: Alright, well actually…Jill’s kind of standing by Karl’s side, and she looks up…kind of peaks her head up above this counter, and she says “Umm…hey…can I give it a try?” And she actually pulls 5 gold pieces out of her little dress, she’s like “I’ve been saving up some money for this festival, um…and I would love to try…try your little game.” And he’s like “Ahhh…well, umm…I guess 5 gold pieces is 5 gold pieces. Here you go. Why don’t you give it a shot? Just toss it, and we’ll see what happens.” And she hits the target in the kind of center…bottom…level of this, and you hear this *ding ding ding ding ding* and he says “Ahhh, we have a winner! We have a winner! Very good, little girl!” And he pulls out of his church festival apron a little coupon, and he says “I tell you what you do with this prize. Right across the street there, there’s an old woman, and she’s selling a bunch of knickknacks. This here, is a voucher for one free item under 10 gold pieces. You kind of doubled your money there, see?” And she says “Oh, thank you, sir! Thank you!” And she’s just beaming with excitement about beating her brother, and winning this prize, when he lost.
Kirk: (Tug) “Heh. Karl sucks.”
Joe: Alright, so you guys leave this guy, and you cross the street to this woman, and she says…and let’s try to do a different voice than the…all the other two…uh…she says “Oh, hello. And, welcome to my store. I’ve got plenty of things for sale here. What were you interested in?” And Jill, from behind you, Karl, she holds out her voucher with…she’s just so excited to do this and she says “I get one…I get one item under 10 gold pieces, ma’am!” and she says “Oh, that’s great!” And she directs her to the spot on the table where there’s a bunch of old, dusty stuff. Nothing that’s really…looks like it’s worthwhile. And, Jill kind of scans there for a little bit…looks over a few things, and she points to something that’s on the back of the table, and it’s this long, wooden box. Very plain, just like an oak box with a lid, and she says “I want…I want that please.” And the old lady says “Ohhh. I actually just…just found that this morning on my way in. I suppose…if it’s there, I have to give it to you.” And she takes the voucher out of her hand. Jill grabs the box and goes running off down the street with it, just super excited.
Kirk: I laugh at her scampering away, and I slap Karl Withacay on the back, I was like “What a great plot device she was!”
*Laughter*
Kirk: And I look at all the other cool knickknacks on the table, and I’d like to see if I spot anything shiny, or anything else of interest.
Joe: Okay, why don’t you do a…perception check?
Kirk: Alllright…
Joe: Roll a d20.
Kirk: Uh, 5!
Joe: A 5! Uh, hah! Um…
Kirk: So I just went blind, essentially.
Joe: Yeah…you see a table, and everything’s just blurry on it. So you’re like “Ah! Shit, I forgot my glasses!”
Kirk: (Tug) “My glaucoma’s flaring up…”
Joe: Right. Alright. Good deal. So, you guys kind of go in and out of a bunch of different other places throughout this festival…buying some more beer, and shop around a little bit. Tug, you think you could spend your 10 gold pieces on anything, or you wanna keep ‘em?
Kirk: I’m gonna hold onto ‘em for now.
Joe: Alright, so…yeah. Alright, cool. So, you guys are finished. You eventually run across Jill…’cause Karl you’re supposed to be kind of keeping an eye on her, and she’s still clutching this case, and as you kind of walk to her, she opens it and she pulls out this big piece of parchment…this big, rolled up piece of parchment, and she’s so excited to see what it is, she unrolls this parchment, and it’s completely blank. It’s just a big, just blank piece of paper, and she kind of looks a little disheartened, but she’s still got a sweet, wooden case, so she puts the paper back in there, and closes the wooden box up, and kind of follows you guys back to Karl’s house, where you guys spend the rest of the evening, kind of laughing, joking, talking about the day. You eventually kind of have a slumber party, and fall asleep.
Kirk: Hold on. Before we fall asleep, I’d like to do something in character.
Joe: Okay?
*Sound of beer can cracking open*
Joe: Hah! Tug cracks a cold one…and…you sleep. Alright, so you guys wake up the next morning kind of groggy, from being a little hungover from last night, and you walk up into the main living space and you see Karl’s mother kind of pacing back and forth. And she’s looking real concerned. And she says “Do you know where Jill is? Do you know where Jill is?”
Kirk: (Tug) “Probably dead.”
Joe: (Karl’s Mom) “Well…that’s not…that’s nothing to joke about, Tug! Karl! Karl, you were supposed to watch her last night! What happened?!”
Brian: (Karl) “We came home and she went to sleep!”
Joe: (Karl’s Mom) “Go…go look in her room! There’s, there’s…she’s gone!”
Brian: (Karl) “Fine, I’ll go look in her room…jeez.”
Joe: Alright. So you guys go to Jill’s room, and you see basically her wardrobe is kind of broken open, and there’s some clothes hanging out. And…do a perception check. Why don’t you do a group perception check, everybody roll a d20.
Jamal: 4.
Kirk: 4.
Brian: I got a 4.
Joe: No, you didn’t.
Brian: Yes, I did.
Joe: No, you guys all got 4s?
Jamal: Yeah.
Joe: That’s ridiculous.
Kirk: We’re a group, we stay together.
Joe: You all collectively run into the door, as you walk into…what did you say?
Jamal: I have like a…I have 3…because of my modifier, in my perception, ‘cause of my wisdom.
Joe: Yeah, you add your perception modifier.
Brian: Before we leave her room…
Kirk: So, did you roll a 1 or a 4?
Jamal: I rolled a 4.
Kirk: Okay, so it’s 7 total.
Joe: Yeah, so you take your roll, and you add your perception modifier.
Jamal: Okay. And when you guys said 4, was that with your modifiers, or with…I’m just trying to figure out...
Kirk: Yes.
Jamal: …how we do this.
Kirk: Yep.
Jamal: So you guys…
Kirk: Modifier already calculated in.
Joe: Wow. This is a good start.
Brian: What is our perception modifier?
Joe: Your perception modifier’s on your skills, in your character sheet.
Kirk: It’s literally in perception.
Joe: Alright, so…Derf, you actually spot on the ground, in her room, kind of on the rug, you spot the wooden case, open. And, you kind of see…you see the parchment paper, that’s been kind of sprawled out on the ground, and there’s a big piece ripped out of it. And you actually see writing on it, that you didn’t see yesterday. You see the whole thing is kind of filled out with this map of…it looks like Woodhaven from what you’ve kind of seen in books around, and it’s the area around Woodhaven like you’ve never seen it before. And the piece of the page that’s ripped out is right where the misty wood is, which is just north of the city… *woof* *woof* …dog’s barking…you um…you hear wolves in the distance.
*Laughter*
Joe: So, so…this misty wood, you guys know because, as kids, you guys hung out, and you used to go there, and do some pretend adventures and stuff.
Kirk: (Tug) “To the Leaky Toad!”
*Laughter*
Jamal: (Derf) “I agree. We need to have some drinks and figure this whole situation out.”
Brian: (Karl) “I’m…I’m going to wander to the misty wood. You all can go to the Leaky Toad if you wish. I’m going to search for Jill.”
Kirk: (Tug) “Your courage is gonna be up on a couple Sweaty Toads. True, or not true, druid?”
Jamal: (Derf) “…………I agree.”
Kirk: (Tug) “Way to weigh in, there, chief. Alright.”
Jamal: Hahaha.
Kirk: (Tug) “To the forest!”
Joe: You guys run into the Leaky Cauldron, grab a couple Sweaty Toads real quick, and then you head to go find his missing little sister…you assholes.
Jamal: (Derf) “But we feel much better, though.”
*Theme music plays*
​
(Outtake)
Jamal: While the dagger man is distracted by Tug and Karl…
Joe: Jesus…
Jamal: …ummm…I would like to…rob him.
Kirk: *laughs*
Joe: Jesus! Ok…alright, let me…I’m gonna...ok…this is…this is going to get edited out…
*Laughter*
Joe: Let me just make this clear…is this is not going well. You guys…are…not…thieves…or murderers…you’re like…good, drunk, college educated people. We can’t just continually rob everyone you see…
Kirk: Pleeeease, edit this into the end of the podcast…
*Laughter*
Kirk: Like, after our exit music…
Joe: Okay? Can we just…can we just play without trying to steal everything, please?
Brian: I haven’t tried to steal anything...yet.
Jamal: But my profession is burglar!
Joe: But you steal from the rich and give to the poor! These people aren’t rich…they’re like…traveling merchants…
Jamal: He was being a dick.
*Laughter*
​
Note: My goal here was to create a transcript that was the most faithful representation of the podcast, so you could read this, and hopefully capture the same magic as if you were listening to it live. I tried to remove words such as “uhh,” “umm,” or “like” that didn’t have contextual significance to increase readability. This took FAR longer than I originally planned, especially when multiple people were talking at once, so it truly turned into a labor love. Let me know what you think, and let me know if you have any suggestions on the format or anything else. I may do more episodes if there’s interest for it!