I just found this sub and boy oh boy do I have some stories for you all but I’ll start with my most recent.
My MIL, thinking she was being sweet, came over to our house unannounced and unexpected today and dropped off a big batch of cabbage salad. For context, I’m 8.5M pregnant and have cabbage cravings so I understand she thought she was being helpful.
Problem is, we were out running our last errands before going into our doctor recommended 2 week COVID quarantine before birth. She texts us that she is coming by—which neither of us sees for about 30 minutes as we are in the middle of stopping by a friends’ house for the last time for a month. She apparently takes our silence as confirmation because 45 minutes later...my husband gets a call...
His face immediately goes sour and he gets up to go talk in an area of the yard where he won’t be heard, but I know that face means it’s his mom. All I really hear is, “Yeah mom, thanks for taking time out of your day to call and tell me that.” And then he hangs up. I realize we’re going to have something super fun to talk about when we leave.
Apparently, what has happened is 1) my MIL has decided that cabbage salad is an appropriate reason to use her emergency key to enter our house without any confirmation or permission 2) she has decided that once she’s inside she’s free to walk around and snoop into our rooms with closed doors rather than say...just leave the cabbage and GTFO and 3) has entered our nursery and found our “practice baby,” aka a Halloween decoration from Michael’s that is a fake zombie baby about just the right size for practicing diapering, swaddling, etc. It was a joke gift from a friend celebrating our upcoming Halloween due date. I realize it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but everyone who knows us knows we are big “Halloween is every day” goth kind of people and definitely wouldn’t be surprised by finding this in our house.
She has called my husband to tell him we have a “fucked up sense of humor” and that she was scared shitless when she turned on the light and saw our very obviously fake baby hanging out in the crib.
Well, Husband is initially pissed off by point 3, until I point out to him what a horrible lack of respect and boundaries points 1 and 2 show (I’ve been goth-lite all my life, I could care less how people react to my morbid sense of humor). I lose it in the car on the way home and tell him we have to set boundaries with her ASAP or she’s going to think she has free reign of our home...especially with a baby coming.
Luckily, Husband and I are almost always on the same page with it comes to MIL. He is so angry when we get home he calls her immediately to tell her from here on out, she needs to let us know and get confirmation before using our key to enter our house or we ask for the key back.
Her response?
“I have a big problem with that actually, because you come into my house whenever you want to.”
We literally cannot figure out what she is talking about. My husband hasn’t even had a key to her house on his ring for almost 5 years. We come when she invites us, because we frankly don’t really LOVE being in her house because it borders on the line of hoarding. What does she mean we regularly invade her home and she expects the same level of access to ours???
And then it hits us.
About a year ago, she missed a job interview and was in a car accident and neglected to tell us. Her best friend had to call us to see if we had any info on her whereabouts or how she was doing...she hadn’t heard from her in 2 days. We couldn’t get in contact with her for over 24 hours. We were worried as she’s majorly clinically depressed, and this is not the first example of bizarre disappearing behavior she’d shown over the past 2-3 years. (As it turns out, she was having mini strokes that ultimately culminated in to a big stroke a few weeks later...even further justifying what we did in retrospect). We knew we had to go check on her in person, but we were out of town. So we sent her friend and told her where to find the extra house key because she wouldn’t answer the door. We were scared shitless that she was dead. Turns out, she was just in the throes of a major depressive episode and literally just laying there in bed. She was mortified by the whole experience and has never truly forgiven us for “sending someone into her home unannounced” to see her like that.
So to recap...in her mind...us making sure she hadn’t hurt herself (with good reason) = us disrespecting her boundaries and autonomy = we are not allowed to have personal boundaries about our home.
Husband is so angry at her that he can’t even finish the conversation with her and tells her he loves her but he can’t finish talking about this right now because he is too angry to have a real conversation that isn’t just yelling.
We left it at that.
I can’t believe we just had a massive argument prompted by a Halloween decoration. Had she never felt the need to tell us how much she hates it, she could have easily just continued snooping without us realizing. Ugh.
TL;DR: MIL finds creepy Halloween decoration in nursery, calls to tell us how fucked up and weird we are, fails to realize entering our home unannounced and snooping through our rooms is the true definition of “creep.” Argument about year old drama she hasn’t gotten over ensues.
EDIT: I get it y’all, I’ve made an appointment for someone to come out Tuesday and rekey the locks 🔐

Good morning everyone,
As the title says, I have hit that point of desperation and I am coming to you in hopes that I can find some answers to help my little guy sleep. He turns 6 months old tomorrow. I'm just going to jump right in, I hope you sleep trainers can help. This post is a doozy as I don't want to leave anything out. I want you all to have as much information as possible. I apologize for the long post.
I'm going to start with the problem my wife and I are facing, and then go into his daily schedule to see if it uncovers any issues that mom and I might be causing.
The Problem at Night: * Baby boy wakes up early in the morning and stares at the darkness, either quietly cooing, quietly babbling, or silently. If we let this happen, because he's not crying, two things could potentially occur, he will go back to sleep in 1.5+ hours or his noises will progress into crying. Early in the morning is on average, because it usually isn't consistent, around 3:00am - 3:30am. * If we change his diaper at that time, because he usually is very wet, he will automatically go from docile to crying to almost screaming the second we open his door and enter the room. * If we leave him to CIO he will continue either indefinitely or it will take him up to as much as 2 hours of awake time for him to fall back asleep. This cry period is typically rough and loud. * If we change him and feed him, he will calm down on the bottle and will allow us to place him back in the crib and go back to sleep for as little as 45 minutes but we have also seen him stay asleep for up to 2 hours. On average it's about an hour.
The Problem in the Day: * Baby boy is a terrible napper. We have tried looking for signs of tiredness (eye rubbing, ear pulling, yawning, red eye area, sluggishness etc.) but he never seems to tell us when he is tired unless he starts to scream for no reason and is clearly showing us he is overtired. * If we go by wake windows (see below) he will either cry the second we put his sleep sack and nanit band on, or he will cry the second we start lowering him into his crib. The same happens if we ever see a yawn or an eye rub and rush to get him into his crib. * Baby boy has always been a cat napper. From month 2-4 it was a guaranteed 35-38 minutes on the dot or less, but never any more. From month 4-5 it has varied but has mostly remained consistent. A 38 minute or less nap with the rare 45 -60 minute nap. * Fearing that he is not getting enough day sleep, my wife and I will typically pick him up and hold him for the remainder of his nap until he gets the amount of day sleep we've read he should be getting, 2.5-3.5 hours. When we hold him, he always goes to sleep, at least we assume he does because he stops moving, making noise, and closes his eyes on us, though we don't have a light on to consistently check as we keep the room pitch black. * Typically during a 24 cycle (12am-12pm), baby boy gets anywhere from 12.75-13.75 hours of total sleep.
His schedule: * Baby boy is currently on a three nap schedule that feels like it constantly shifts because his wake up times are completely inconsistent. He will get up on his own anywhere from 430am to as late as 7am, but it is usually around the 5am mark that he is showing signs of that split night I mentioned earlier (eyes open, cooing, babbling etc.) * In order to try to get him a more consistent wake up time, if my wife or I go in at 5-530am and pick him up and hold him in our rocker, he will go back down. * Given that information, we try to keep his wake windows at as follows, again monitoring for "not there" sleep cues, 2-2.5hrs, 2.5-2.75hrs, 2.75-3hrs. When that takes place varies throughout the day again, due to his erratic sleep schedule. * Typically in his second wake window I will take him for a 30-45 min stroller walk to get him some sunshine and fresh air as I heard that it helps to build extra melatonin for the night to help him sleep (ha). * Typical day activities include tummy time (which he mostly dislikes), playing with sensory toys like blocks, music boxes, and other toys, reading with touch sensory books, tummy time on a parent, or allowing him to move freely in a play pen on his back to stretch his limbs and learn his body. Play will always stop 30 min before a wake window is set to hit so we can have a wind down period of just cuddling or reading books while cuddling. * Regardless of wake time or napping, we are able to get him down to bed around 6:45pm-7:00pm where he doesn't give us any problem going to sleep. Light fussing or no fussing to sleep.
Sleep Environment: * Full size crib in his own room * White noise from Hatch set 6-7 feet away from his crib at 30% * Pitch black room during the day and night * House temperature controlled to maintain 68-70 degrees Fahrenheit * Sleep sack * Nanit cam to monitor breathing
What we've done/tried: * Baby boy was TCB'd/Ferber'd starting at 4 months and consistently goes down rather easy at night, never staying awake or fussing for more than 7-9 minutes. He will sleep typically peacefully for 4-5 hours straight. Rarely will he wake during this time period, and if he does, he puts himself back to sleep after a brief cry and rolling to his side in under 10 minutes. * Baby boy unfortunately moves A LOT while in his crib, but doesn't start doing so until after typically the 3-4 hour mark. He will end a sleep cycle, turn to his side and put his hands near his mouth and either fall back asleep in that position, or start to fall onto his back and tucking himself back to his side over and over until he moves to his back, or he will roll back on his back and fall asleep again. He has done this since 2 months and has not yet rolled onto his belly. If he gets back on his back, he will either stay asleep, or mini wake every 5 minutes by moving his head, body, or arms, until he settles an amount of time later. Nanit says, his sleep quality hovers in the 70ish percentile. * For the split night problem, we've tried CIO, changing him and leaving immediately to CIO, feeding him a small amount of breastmilk from a bottle as we've read its age appropriate to continue to do so. The only thing that consistently gets him to go back to sleep is feeding him but the snooze length is inconsistent. *Recently we've tried putting him down to two naps, but all this did was increase the amount of times he woke at night, again keeping consistent with trying to get him the correct amount of day sleep by holding him after a specific time. * We've also tried allowing him to get up in the 5am range and keeping him awake until 9am as we've read that's the time to get him to not associate his first nap with sleep extension. That yielded mixed results. Some with a longer nap of up to 90 minutes (though we never got to 9am), some with a shorter 20ish minute nap. * If at any time we leave him in his crib to CIO during the day for a nap, he will eventually go to sleep up to 30 minutes later, but will always take a crap nap of 20-30 minutes.
Random facts: * He got his 6 month vaccinations on 1/14. * He has his bottom two teeth fully emerged * He drinks a combo of breast milk and formula from a bottle * He eats solids twice a day but nothing that can constipate him * Mom works from home and has a lot of down time as school hasn't started yet (she is a teacher) * I quit my job to raise my son during the pandemic so I have 100% free time to work with him
In Summary:
We are desperate to get him to take a nap without wigging out and to start getting him to sleep for longer than 30 minutes or less on his own.
We are desperate to end the split nights and to get him to sleep until at least 6am.
I hope this has been enough information and I tried to organize it as best as I can. I'm sorry for the long post, but my wife and I have been crying and feeling like the worst parents because we don't feel like we know our son, despite researching everything, and monitoring him all the time. Thank you for anything you can give us.
EDIT: formatting, but I tried to make them bullet points but apparently I don't know how to do that. Sorry!

Hello! I originally posted this at entitledparents. However, a lot of people seemed to really enjoy the read so of course they took it down without reason. I know it is long, but people expressed they were glad they read the entire thing, and loved the plot twist! I hope you enjoy the read. Cheers!
TLDR: Karen Accused My "Heathens" of Waking Her Child; Now I Wake Him on Purpose!
My crib-midget has evolved into a min-human, and my mini-human is now in an adult male body which is, unfortunately, still outfitted with a teenage brain. Don't worry though, he knows everything! I myself have a late-30s model body, but my teenage brain is coming along well. That said, my loving wife is still able to maintain her sanity with 2.5 boys and .5 male adults in the house. However, the house was too small and we needed more leg room. We decided to move on up!
The new house is everything we wanted. There is ample room for the growing family. The boys would conquer the upstairs, and even have their own bathroom to grow "science experiments." They occasionally fail to brush their teeth but you can most certainly count on them to piss in/on everything except the toilet. Cake, my 11YO mini-human, shares my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and keeps his room in working order. Kelly, my 15YO Man-Child genius? Well, just don't touch that sock under his bed. Typical boy-shit I suppose.
My wife and I now had a backyard. We had a two-car garage to store her Christmas and Halloween decorations. The neighborhood is gorgeous, and I can literally walk to the clubhouse and play a round of golf. The cul-de-sac we live on is dominated by currently serving or retired military families. Everyone was extremely welcoming at the Home Owners Association (HOA), and the neighbors were all friendly. Well, at least for the moment!
I have read about neighbor horror stories. I have seen them on television. I never in a million years thought I would live next to "them". I am a gunfighter by trade. Believe it or not, I don't like war. I like my job, but I don't enjoy the carnage of war. I am a realist though. I would totally cast my ballot for World Peace; but I know it only takes one asshole to ruin it for everyone. My immediate neighbors became those assholes.
Enter the Entitled Parents: Kevin and Karen. They seemed nice at first. They were both really helpful, especially Kevin. Kevin had served in the Air Force, and Karen was a stay-at-home mother. They enlightened me regarding the neighborhood, the quality of the area schools, and told me the tips and tricks to avoid any hassle with the HOA. Fucking great, right?
Coronavirus (COVID19) Zombie Apocalypse
The onset of COVID19 forced the school district to cancel the remainder of the school year so the boys didn't turn into zombies. However, the mass hysteria allowed my humanoids to become semi-professional Fortnite gamers, whom smelled like ball-funk, and survived on soda and Zebra Cakes. They were quickly becoming chubby-bunnies. I, being neighborly, informed Kevin and Karen that I would be in the market for a portable basketball hoop to combat childhood obesity and Type II Diabetes.
Side Note: I remember shit. It can be quite literally a matter of life or death in my occupation so I remember things vividly!
OP: Pleasantries, some other words, "I am thinking about getting a basketball hoop for the boys."
Karen: That's great. It's so good to have young children in the neighborhood again.
Kevin: You know you can't put it in the street right? It is against HOA rules. (Kevin is a rules guy!)
OP: Well-aware. I will be putting it on the back pad.
Karen: That's great. If the ball ever goes over the fence just tell them to come get it.
Awesome! It was a positive interaction, and they had no issue. Onward to Walmart!
My children are well-behaved. They may act like little shit-heads to each other and inside the house, but they are both kind and courteous to others. Despite Karen's instructions, I told them to knock on the door if the ball ever goes over the fence. So they did.
First Bounce-Over
My Door: Knock. Knock. Knock.
OP: Hey Kevin. How can I help you?
Kevin: (Annoyed) The ball went over the fence.
OP: Did the boys knock and ask to get it?
Kevin: Yes. I just wanted to let you know.
I spoke to my wife afterwards. "That was odd," was all I could think. Is the guy going to let me know each time the ball goes over the fence? Maybe I should knock on his door? "Hey Kevin. Just wanted to let you know that your car is parked in the driveway." This process quickly became a routine for Kevin; Kevin became a self-licking ice cream cone. Kevin came over six times over the course of about three months. My wife began keeping tallies because it was odd and, but somewhat comical. Then shit started to get real.
Cake came running in the house scared. He had tears in his eyes, and he was continually reiterating, "I didn't do anything wrong." Nobody has accused me of being "Worlds Best Dad" so I was wondering if he did in fact do something wrong. I forgo waterboarding Cake, this time, and ask what he is talking about. Cake stated, "Karen is recording me." What? I look outside and sure-as-shit, I see Karen, at the fence, and pointing her cellphone at me as if it was a loaded gun. I think, "well fuck my tits," because I know my wife is going to lose her shit. She did!
My wife is dainty, but she quickly turned into a 4'11 Muhammad Ali. Man, it took every fucking ounce of verbal reasoning for me to stop her from physically rearranging Karen's face-meat . In addition to remembering things for work, I have to be well-read regarding the laws that govern me as an American, and the locals laws. I knew Karen's tactic to scare and record Cake was immoral and unethical, but it was perfectly legal. This didn't sit well with my wife though. I reminded the wife that I have a doctorate in revenge from Fuckery University (FU), and this would not go unanswered. I can be a prick too, but I am a methodical prick.
I did my best to erect makeshift barriers as a temporary solution. It was not perfect, but at least it showed that we were doing everything in our power to prevent balls from going over the fence. I also submitted plans for a permanent structure to the HOA. I was going to build a hanging herb garden wall, but it required approval before construction could start. The typical approval timeline was two weeks, but in addition to shitting on earth, COVID19 also shit on the approval process. I was in limbo. Tragically, another basketball fell victim to the senseless violence. It was the ninth basketball in approximately eight months. The kids were terrified to ask for their basketball back, and it wasn't even worth the hassle anymore. That didn't stop Kevin though.
Ninth Bounce-Over
Knock. Knock. Knock.
Ken: OP HOME?
Wife: Yes, but he injured his back. How can I help you?
Ken: Get OP please. (I should mention that Kevin is outwardly sexist and is not a fan of "coloreds".)
Wife: Kevin, OP, can't even walk right now. How can I help you?
Ken: The basketball went over the fence again. It needs to stop. They need to stop playing basketball. (He was now telling my wife how to parent. Good luck buddy!)
Wife: I am sorry the ball went over the fence. We continue to tell the children to be careful, but I am not going to tell them they can't play basketball in their own yard.
Ken: You'll tell your boys to stop playing. If the ball comes over the fence again. We are calling the cops! Tell your boys to stay out of our yard. They're trespassing!
Wife: If you want to call the cops then you go ahead and do it. However, the boys DO NOT go in your yard at all anymore.
I was losing my shit in the bedroom. I could hear the conversation, but I physically could not make the front door. I managed to slide off the bed and began my Army-crawl to the door, but I was late. My wife was fuming and I was pissed, and pathetically crawling on the floor. Yay back injuries! We had no intention of starting a war, but the boys were doing nothing wrong. We had informed Kevin we were getting a hoop, and they had zero issues with it. What the fuck was going on?
Tenth Bounce-Over
The cops are called! The OP CITY Police Department (PD) sent two cruisers. The children may be 11 and 15, but all be damned if they don't go down without a fight. One cruiser was not going to suffice, you'd better send two for my miscreants. I just sat in my garage man-cave and watch it all play out. The cops go to the neighbors house first. They are there for more than a hour and I can only assume we are being painted as horrible neighbors. Oh well! It is now pitch dark outside and I was startled by the time an officer approaches.
Officer John Kimble: Hello? Sir!
OP: Holy fuck! You scared the shit out of me!
Officer Kimble: Sorry, Hi, I am Officer Kimble with OP CITY PD. How are you doing this evening?
OP: Typically I would say fine, but I don't typically have a cop in my garage.
Officer Kimble: I understand. The reason we are here is because the neighbors called about trespassing. Now, they said nobody went in their yard today, but they want you to understand they will press charges next time.
I was baffled. I did my best to maintain my composure, but I am certain my face was screaming, "Are you fucking serious?" Officer Kimble then pointed at his body camera and mouthed, "Recording," and then gave me a "thumbs up" gesture. I immediately ceased the opportunity to fuck with him. Sorry, it's in my nature.
OP: Do you want another beer? You can't just drink one!
Officer Kimble: (Laughing) WHAT? I didn't have a beer with you.
OP: (Laughing as well.) I'm kidding, and we are fully aware of their intent to press charges. I will be sure to do my best to prepare my boys for the rigors of prison life too. I think jail will be good for them too; may even toughen them up a bit!
Officer Kimble: (Laughing) Okay Sir. I just want to ensure that you are aware. Ideally, we would like to see neighbors talk things like this out, and not call the cops. Unfortunately, this is what it's come to. I just want to ensure you are aware.
OP: Tracking!
Officer Kimble: You have a good evening Sir.
OP: Thanks.
Officer Kimble then walked back to his patrol car. He didn't leave though. I assume he was just finishing mundane paperwork, but he was there for at least 20-minutes. Then, much to my surprise, he returned, and was a completely different Officer.
Officer Kimble: Hey man!
OP: Back for that beer?
Officer Kimble: (Laughing) NO! Sorry man! I have to play the game for the body cam.
OP: I hear you. I occasionally wear one at work, but it only cuts back on my cussing. People still get shot!
Officer Kimble: You Army?
OP: Yup!
Officer Kimble: Cool. What do you do?
OP: Shoot fist, shoot often, and have my story straight before the cops arrive!
Officer Kimble: (Laughing ) I figure as much after looking at all your stuff here. I just wanted to talk to you without the camera. They really seem eager to press chargers if your children are caught in their yard.
OP: (Laughing.) My wife and I have concluded that.
Officer Kimble: That lady is bat-shit crazy. My God! She demanded we arrest your children tonight!
OP: Tonight?
Officer Kimble: Yes! She said they trespassed before, and she wanted to press charges now.
OP: (More laughing.) I am sorry you have to deal with this brother. I really am. I can ensure you that they have never gone in their yard without permission. Not once. They are terrified of her. She taunts them from the other side of the fence and records them. Seriously, they are scared of her. We now chalk the balls up as a lose.
Officer Kimble: I believe you. There is something not right with that lady. She said the basketball wakes her son up, and she will not hesitate press charges. I told her we would do our duty, but I don't think the magistrate will not view the situation kindly if we arrest two children for playing basketball. She clearly does not care though. I just wanted to chat with you, and without the body cam. I can't exactly call her crazy while it is running.
Officer John Kimble stayed for another hour. He was impressed with the collection of war memorabilia and the setup of my garage man-cave. He was specifically intrigued with my Nintendo and working copy of Mike Tyson Punch-Out, among other classics. Yes it's certainly fucking cool, but it has little to do with the story.
SHIT, MET FAN!
My wife was mowing the grass, and I was currently doing shit I never thought would be a priority of mine; planting a new flowerbed. Kevin and Karen had just returned from another Chick-fil-A run. Then the unthinkable happened. Kevin exited the car and immediately approached me, and he was angry.
Kevin: Your boys went into my yard and got a ball today. They may think we didn't notice, but we did. You need to tell those boys to stay out of my yard or...
OP: Wait a fucking minute! I don't tolerate people who lie, cheat, or steal, and you are lying right now.
Kevin: Your boys were...
OP: We were at an all-day soccer tournament in DIFFERENT STATE. We have only been home for a couple hours. They have not played any basketball since we have been home. You're lying!
Kevin: Well, we are sick of them getting balls from our yard without permission.
OP: Look Kevin, I get it! However, you fail to recall when your wife said the boys were more than welcome to go in the yard and...
I didn't even get to finish when I heard the screech of Karen. I know my writing style is "different" to say the least. I wish I was better. I do not have the words to accurately articulate the sound Karen made, but I will do my best. It was like the tyrannosaurus from Jurassic Park making love to to a nuclear explosion during a tornado, but way fucking louder. The only thing that honestly makes this worse, and I fucking kid you not, is that she is a dead ringer for Carole Baskin (Tiger King.) Not "maybe a little," but more "Holy fuck Carole Baskin is your neighbor" type of resemblance.
Karen: I NEVER SAID THAT. I WOULD NEVER SAY THAT.
She screamed at the top of her lungs a mere inches from my face. I could smell the Meow Mix bellow from here scream-factory. Meanwhile, Kevin pulled a fucking Houdini and vanished. Kevin is a passive-aggressive asshole and direct confrontation scares him off.
OP: Yes. You did.
Karen: I NEVER SAID THAT. YOU'RE WRONG.
OP: Whatever. It's not even worth it.
Karen: I AM SO SICK OF YOUR HEATHENS GOING IN MY YARD. YOUR HEATHENS BETTER NOT GO IN MY YARD AGAIN OR I WILL HAVE THEM ARRESTED. I KNOW THE LAW.
The, "I know the law statement," really rubbed me wrong. I was about to open my mouth and respond by my wife was on her like stink on shit, which led me to believe Karen is louder than a lawnmower. My wife was still seething about Karen recording the humans.
Wife: They don't go in your yard, and they are good children. They are not heathens! You better STOP RECORDING MY CHILDREN.
Karen: Oh shut up. You guys are white trash. Your children play in the street and run around the neighborhood like criminals. They broke my mulch too.(Yes. She said they broke the mulch.) Everybody knows you're trash. Just. Stupid. White. Trash.
I am now thinking, "Oh fuck," and semi-worried about Karen's future health as an active participant of living humans. I think my wife wanted to expire Karen's shelf-life.
Wife: Excuse me? My children never play in the street, you're recording them, and...
Karen: Just shut up! YOU'RE STUPID. YOU'RE JUST PLAIN STUPID. I CAN RECORD THEM IF I WANT. NO WONDER YOU DON'T HAVE JOBS
Wife: I HAVE THREE ADVANCED DEGREES. WE ARE WORKING FROM HOME. WE ARE NOT...
Karen: You are! YOU'RE TRASHY AND STUPID, AND BOTH YOUR CHILDREN ARE STUPID.
I had enough. There was no point in arguing either. Mark Twain stated to, "Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience." Mark is correct, and Karen was trying to drag us down. Well, I don't know why, but I remember something that Kevin discussed with me when we first moved in; the fucking trees!
They have a large maple tree, and they have a juniper tree. Kevin always told me they were "in the process" of contracting a company to crown and lift the maple tree. Furthermore, they were going to get the juniper tree off my fence. Dear Reader, I know the law too. I can legally trim anything that goes over my property line. Now all those pointless conversations were making sense. It was my time to join this exciting game called pettiness!
OP: Karen. You have until Sunday to get your juniper off my fence.
Karen: Shut up. I told you we were going to get it handled this fall.
OP: It's June. You have until Sunday
Karen: Or What?
I allow my wife to rejoin the conversation, and I retreat to the garage. The I grab my clippers, and prune a good couple inches of the juniper tree, and lay them at her feet. Cue T-Rex fucking a volcano voice!
Karen: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING? I TOLD YOU IT WILL BE DONE THIS FALL.
OP: You have until Saturday now.
Karen: You are dumb too. Just like your wife aren't you?
My intelligence may have been debatable, but I suppose it was time to repeat the process?!? I now return with about two feet of tree, and place it at her feet. I am like Mo-mo-McFucko of fuck-fuck lady!
OP: You have until Friday!
Karen: You better not touch my tree again. I will call the cops and have you thrown in jail tonight. You're so dumb aren't you? Now I see where you children get it from.
OP: I know the law too Karen. I will be back in a minute with some more of your juniper tree!
Karen: KEVIN. KEVIN. KEVIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNN!
I again return to the tree. I now have another two feet of juniper tree to place at her feet. The more she screams the smaller her tree becomes. It was an enjoyable game of cause and effect. Meanwhile, I see Kevin and Kevin Jr running like Usain Bolt to secure their tree with tow straps.
Karen: I hope your happy. You are terrible people! You are both terrible parents, and your children are heathens. I am sick of ball bouncing and waking my son up too. You people need to move. Your just horrible parents. HORRIBLE. (Screaming louder) HORRIBLE PARENTS.
Dear Reader, I had enough. I was at critical mass; I was going to explode. Karen continued to yell at my wife and I was zoning out. It was comical to watch Kevin and Kevin Jr secure the tree to their porch in order to get it off the fence. Once complete, they quickly made their way back to the one-sided screaming party.
Karen: Horrible parents. Look with they did to my poor tree.
Kevin: I think we should call the cops dear.
Karen: HORRIBLE PARENTS! I feel sorry for your kids and...
OP: Just shut the fuck up! I raked up 21 bags of leaves this past fall. Twenty-One. Funny, because we don't have a tree in our backyard. I pulled an additional bags worth of leaves and branches from my gutter. Not from "my tree" either. It was from your tree. You know what Kevin? I didn't bitch. I didn't knock on your door an complain.
Kevin: Yeah, and?
OP: We live in a suburbia. This shit happens. They are kids; kids fucking play outside! I don't want the ball in your yard either. You accuse of them of being in your yard. You also accuse them of "BREAKING MULCH". How in the fuck do you break mulch? Are you fucking serious? Really?
Karen: Yes really. Maybe you should learn how to parent your horrible children.
OP JUST FUCKING LOST IT (WAIT FOR THE SURPRISE!)
OP: Know what? That's the last time you question me about my parenting. My children are going to grow up and be productive members of our society. I find it comical that you have the audacity to question my parenting seeing how you have a (WAIT FOR IT) a 49 year old son living at your house for the past nine years. I assume it was because of the divorce and the bankruptcy he filed nine years ago? My children are waking your child up? Your child is a jobless 49 year old man living at home with mom and dad. Is he working on a startup? Prestige Worldwide maybe? Boats and hos!
Karen: (FUCKING BAFFLED) How do you know any of that? DO YOU GO SNOOPING THROUGH OUR MAIL TOO?
OP: I am good at what I do, and I found everything on online. I know you are 69, and lost your license due to reckless endangerment charge in 2017. I know Kevin Jr has 5 different moving violations and one DUI. I also know he was fired from his grounds-crew job with the HOA. I know your husband is 72 and wears the same fucking shirt everyday, so I can only assume that laundry is not a priority. I know your phone numbers, and email accounts. I know a lot of shit about you. YOUR CHILD IS 49 AND LIVES AT HOME. MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE MORE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR PARENTING AND LESS ABOUT MINE! We can have a civil relationship or we can have a war. Just remember this though, I AM GOING TO FUCKING OUTLIVE YOU!
They stormed in the house. They were not happy or impressed with my ability to figure shit out. It was not over for me though. They fucked with the wrong fuckhead. They were unaware of actions I took to keep the peace. For example, I never let the boys play basketball while they were outside eating dinner. I didn't let them play before nine or after seven. I tried. But they would play blare country music and enjoy the gorgeous weather an eat a meal. I never bitch about Garth Brooks on volume 100 while I watched the national news. I was teleworking, and I took fuckery up as a part-time job now.
I have wrestled since I was four years old. I was never much of a basketball guy. I am now though! Karen and Kevin had just sat down to enjoy their meal. I don't have to spy either. I can easily see them out my french doors as I watch the national news. I patiently waited for the sloth-speed fuckheads to get their outside dinner setting perfectly situated. I could hear Tim McGraw playing when I opened my french doors. I like music too, so I figured I would get my groove and play basketball.
OP: Alexa (Amazon) play Bitches Ain't Shit by Dr. Dre.
Alexa: Bleep and Bleep by Dr. Dre.
OP: Alexa. Volume 10
I have a new fondness for rap music and the game of basketball. This didn't stop Karen from recording my "heathens" on a daily basis. I know what I was about to do was petty, but I had zero fucks to give at that point. I had one last fuck you. It was my final card to play; an Uno Reverse Card of sorts!
My neighbors, across the street, and my family have bonded. He had a tree removed last week, and I had an epiphany. How much would it cost to trim a large maple tree that overhands my property? I am not talking a couple branches either, but more like one half of a more than 100 foot tree. I approached the tree removal company an offered them a sizeable chunk of change and informed them of my delicate problem. They said, "any friend of MY NEIGHBOR is a friend of theirs." Pro bono!
They move their large equipment over to my backyard and take their time getting ready. Guess who came running out of the house? No. Not Brad Pitt. Fuck. Get your shit together Reader. Karen and Kevin came running out.
Kevin: Hey buddy! (Buddy. Not fuckhead. Not horrible parent. Buddy!)
OP: What can I do for you?
Kevin: What are they doing here?
OP: Oh. Them (Points)?
Kevin: Yeah. What are they doing?
OP: Oh. Well, they are going to trim the tree?
Kevin: Just trim?
OP: Yup. Just a little trim!
Karen: You know that tree was a gift from our daughter right? We don't want anything drastic. It has been with us for over forty years now.
Kevin: Yeah. It was a gift from our daughter. How much are you thinking about trimming?
OP: Well. Just so you're aware, you understand that I can legally trim anything that overhangs my property? I have approval from my lawyer and the HOA to trim it. Frankly, I care as much about your tree as you do my children's privacy; I could fucking care less!
Kevin: How much are you talking about trimming then?
OP: My property line is here (I point) and it extends up (I point up) to space. I am going to trim every single branch that encroaches my property. So, probably about 1/3 of your tree. It's gonna look really fucking funny when I am done. Oh well.
Karen started to cry. It was a really, really ugly cry. There was no more rage left in her. She was defeated. Kevin was defeated as well. This was not my desire. Don't get me wrong, I don't care if she cried, but it was not my intent.
OP: Or YOU CAN STOP RECORDING MY FUCKING CHILDREN.
Karen: (Looking like snot nosed Carole Baskin) If I stop recording?
OP: Look. We don't have to like each other, because I certainly don't fucking like you guys. My boys never go in your yard. Ever. I don't give shit if you keeps the other basketballs, but I will be damned if you fucking record them ever again. If you do, I will cut your tree down without warning.
Kevin: (PISSED) Thanks bud.
OP: No worries friend. I am just trying to be neighborly. Just remember. I am dead serious about the tree, and I am pretty certain I will outlive you.
Dear Reader, I know I am a prick. I know we were both in the wrong at times. I draw the line when a 69 year old women sees fit to torment my kids. We have only had one problem sense these events occurred. Kevin Jr's car sat in the same spot for nine months. I have submitted over 20 home improvement request to the HOA, and I am now friends with the wonderful ladies that work there. They periodically inspect neighborhoods and noticed the registration on Jr's vehicle was two years outdated and had it towed. Karen accused me of having towed. We had another colorful conversation, but it ended there. Kevin Jr. is still jobless to this day. I assume he has managed to erect a bunk bed in his childhood bedroom. He has "so much more room for activities." Just make sure you don't touch his drum set.
This is not my typical story, but I hope you enjoyed the read. Cheers kind humans!

So baby boy is almost 8 months, more like 7.5 but some places care that he was born at 37 weeks. Our pedi doesn't so adjusted age, so we never have either.
We never really did sleep training. He started swaddled in a bassinet with a pacifier and we would just put him down and give him the pacifier and that was that. He had a slightly hard time adjusting to moving to his crib and not be swaddled but those issues have since resolved. He now sleeps through the night. Some nights I wake him before I go to bed to eat, if his past bottle was a long while ago. Some nights we just let him sleep. Neither help the early wake up.
Bedtime routine is really non existent. Never had one. He will go to bed between 8 and 8:30. I try and get him to take a bottle before bed, so that's the reason for the time difference. If I know he won't eat at 8 I'll push it a little so he can eat before bed.
But when it's bedtime, I go in, turn on his sound machine put him in his sleep sack, put on his mittens so he doesn't scratch himself in his sleep, give him his pacifier and I leave. He's asleep within a few minutes. Same set up is for naptime. I've been trying to get him onto 2 naps a day, but occasionally he will take a mini nap in the stroller if we are out. Naps are ranging 1.5-2.5 hours each. His last nap is usually the shorter one and sometimes it's only an hour.
But the morning wake ups are our issue. It's a new issue, maybe the last month? And nothing new happened around then. Bedtime has always been the same, the nap change happened after the early wakings.
The early wakings are playing havoc on things. We have to be up for 7 to get his sister to school. So I really need him to sleep in until then, otherwise he's not sleeping and I'm not sleeping. I can sometimes get him back to sleep. But sometimes after like a half hour or an hour and then he's basically taking a mini nap before we even start the day which messes up timing of other naps. I'm leaving him in bed until 7 when we get up, and I only go in if he gets upset or something. He's a big fan of halfway turning in his crib and then he kicks the side which I think helps keep him awake because he's making noise everytime he does it.
Long story, still long but shorter ..how do I get him to sleep in?!?

WARNING: I fucking say fuck a fuck-ton in this story. At least I fucking think so!?!
As previously stated, I will write the sequel to "Gunfighter Dad: Finding Out You're Raising a Terrorist" later this week or early next week. I woke up this morning with ambition to complete a woodworking project. However, my lower back strongly encouraged me to plop my ass on the couch. Therefore, I figure I might-as-well put my fingers to good use.
Ten Minutes Later
I am now complete with my self-administered Digital Rectal Examination (DRE). What do you say we write another Gunfighter Dad story? I can wash my fingers later I suppose.
Problems! We all deal with problems. They are a fact of life. They may vary in degree, but we all deal with them. I have had the same penis for 39 years now, but I occasionally miss the toilet when I take my morning piss. I am excellent marksman with firearms, but I cant seem to "zero" my man-meat. That, Dear Reader, is a small problem. My mother kidnapping my crib-midget is a fine example of a big problem. Want to talk about the problem I have with Problems? Like you have a fucking choice.
The overnight transition into parenthood typically starts at he hospital for most people. I am not most people though. My overnight transition started when my youngest (2 YO) was in the crib-midget phase of life, and my oldest (6 YO) was a certified mini-human. My introduction to parenthood was very similar to my introduction to the wonderful game of golf. Seemingly simplistic at first, but then you immediately realize the error in your judgement when you are waist-deep in chaos. It is however easier to toss your kids it a fit of frustration; golf clubs don't have legs!
I have spoke of this before, but I would like to reiterate that I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Everything has it's place. The boys each had a large cylinder toy bin, and a four-tier colored bin toy organizer (https://www.amazon.com/Tot-Tutors-Storage-Organizer-Collection/dp/B000067PTO). I went as far to print corresponding graphics and clear-taped them to the bottom of the bins. Again, everything had it's place. I assume you have already deduced this went over like a pregnant pole vaulter. Imagine putting the toys in their correct bin was like peeing in the toilet. Success! Imagine putting toys in their wrong bin was akin to hitting the seat, or splashing a little on that disgusting toilet brush. Fuck it, close enough! My boys were pissing in the kitchen. FUCK!
My irrationally rational brain could not figure it out. This was a very simplistic problem; G.I. Joe's go in the G.I. Joe bin. Matchbox Cars go in the fucking clearly marked Matchbox Cars bin. I didn't ask them to determine who rightfully owns Palestine. By the end of the week I was just happy if the toys were located "somewhere" in their bedroom. My seeming simplistic problem was really starting to bother me.
I should mention that I was never the disciplinarian with the children. I may have a gunfighter exterior, but I was a squishy puss on the inside. I was either coming or going for the majority of their lives, meaning I spoiled them before I was about to leave, and I spoiled them when I returned. Even worse, there were trips I returned from in which a child didn't even recognize me. "Why is this stranger in my house?" It broke my heart, but it never stopped me from "wrestling" their mother!
I am not embellishing, but I struggled with this problem for weeks. I just wanted their toys off the floor; toss them in any fucking bin you want! Alex, a friend, and I were in the midst our Saturday college football watching marathon and I had beer-induced revelation. Alcohol had just provided me with an invaluable epiphany!
My wife is a recycle-freak! Heaven forbid I toss a recyclable into the trash can, because my wife is dead-set on saving the fucking world. I never forgot to recycle beer cans though. Not in Iowa anyways. The kind state of Iowa pays me five cents for every 12 ounce beer I consume. It's a low paying job, and there is no healthcare package, but you can make money if you put your mind to it! So I walk my lazy-ass over to the garage to toss my hard-earned five cents into the recycling bin and I spot a large sack. It was plumb-full of broken toys, but they were plastic and therefore needed to be recycled. Some of the toys were clearly broken, there was no mistaking it, but others "appeared" to be in fine working condition. For example, there was a Thomas the Tank Engine flashlight that didn't power-on anymore. However, it looked like a toy that was in fine working-order.
Light-Fucking-Bulb Moment
I had walk-in to the boys room and told them they had ten minutes to get the toys off the floor prior to my beer can recycling endeavor. I momentarily looked at the Thomas the Tank Engine flashlight, picked that shit up, and then started my walk to the bedroom.
Alex (Beer Drinking Buddy): Where you going?
OP: To tell the boys to clean their room again.
Alex was a bit puzzled. My demeanor had changed. I must have looked "determined" because Alex followed me. I entered the room, but my two humanoids failed to notice me. They were in a cartoon-trance while watching Wonder Pets. I then casually placed the broken toy in Kelly's cylinder toy bin without them noticing. This will be the first-and-last time I ever say this; thank you Wonder Pets.
OP: (Stern Voice) Boys, listen up. I told you you have ten minutes to clean this room. I will not tell you again!
I then reach down and pickup the Thomas the Tank Engine flashlight and place it on the floor.
OP: OR THIS WILL HAPPEN TO ALL YOUR TOYS!
I deliver a thunderous foot-stomp on top of poor Thomas the Tank Engine. The toy explodes under the weight of my well sculpted quad and picture-perfect calf muscle. My point was well received, and I didn't know eyeballs could get that big without exiting an orbital socket.
Kelly: (Child Firefight Voice) GET OFF THE BED CAKE OR HE'LL BREAK ALL OUR TOYS. HURRY!!!
OP: I will be back in five minutes boys.
The boys scurry of their beds and begin to frantically clean. I then turn to walk down the hallway, but Alex is standing their with a shit-eating grin.
Alex: That was awesome. I can't wait to be a dad.
OP: I don't know if that is the preferred technique, but I think it might work this time.
I resumed my vitally important football watching, and returned to a pristine room five minutes later. My idea had worked. I went back out to the garage and put the misfit toys in the corner so they were not recycled that week. I finally had a brilliant dad-moment. I was on top of the world! After weeks of taking "L's" I had finally gone 1-0 on the day.
Payback
Let me tell you about kids. Especially the young and impressionable ones. They remember shit. Remember that time that car cut you off? "Fuck you, you fucking cunt!" Well, they remember that shit too. My wife had purchased a box store bookcase. It was another seemingly simplistic task, but the guy upstairs (God) likes to play fuck-fuck with me. I was shorted two screws. I could go to the store, or find some similar screws in my workshop and "make it work." Fuck going back to the stores!
I eventually find screws that will suffice, but it I hear an unpleasing sound as I am returning to the living room. It was Cake, and he was monkey-stomping the bookcase. The particle board was no match for his not-so sculpted quad or calf muscle. He. Fucking. Destroyed. It.
He then looked me dead in my eyeballs!
Cake: (Stern Voice. The same stern voice I had used weeks before): Dad?
OP: Yes Cake.
Cake: You left your toys on the floor so I broke it. Don't leave your toys on the floor.
He then "dropped the mic" and walked away like a two year old boss!
I had just learned a valuable $80 dollar lesson. Fuck. My. Life. Glass half full? I now have extra screws in the event I get shorted again. I had a discussion with Cake about "Dads toys" and his toys. Frankly, I don't think he gave a shit about me leaving my "toys on the floor." I think he was more intent on payback. Let this be a warning to those of you who don't have kids. They remember shit, and Karma can be a mother fucker. All the bad-kid shit I did in my life has be reincarnated into Cake.
My stupid tangent brain was going to derail the story, but I will just add it here.
They Remember Shit!
I don't cuss around the kids. I resort to other things. I had a long phase of calling them "Richard's" when they messed up. "Stop being a Richard to your brother." Get it? Good! I was more than surprised the first time I went to a parent-teacher conference. Cake had just complete First Grade.
Teacher: Cake is the best student I have had in my ten years of teaching.
OP BRAIN: BULLSHIT!
OP Mouth: Really? Cake?
Teacher: Yes, words, words, words.
OP: The "Locking his older brother in a dog kennel story."
Teacher: Oh my! Well there is one thing I have a question about.
OP: Yeah?
Teacher: He occasionally calls his peers "Richard." (Brain Computing Moment) OH!
Meaning he is knowing or unknowingly calling his peers "Dicks."
OP: OH!
Wife: I TOLD YOU OP FIRST MIDDLE LAST NAME! (FIRST MIDDLE LAST means extra trouble.)
OP: Yeah. I will have a talk with him.
The teacher and I were laughing. The wife, well not so much. Just remember, kids remember the thing you failed to remember! Something like that anyways. Oh, I strongly encourage you to NOT take parenting advice from me. Ever.
More to come if you enjoyed this. If not, then don't read them.

Hey there,

 I have TOLD VERY FEW others my story, but I am getting so tired of telling new people about it, I think they assessed me as having dissacociative disorder, emotional OCD, depression and anxiety. My entire life I've never gone to the doctor for anything unless absolutely necessary, so less times than I can count on one hand. I don't tell people my problems, I put on a face and look confident and happy.

I have 2 children ages 5 & 3, was married for 8 years. When my daughter was about 2 months old my wife (at the time) was feeding her and put her down in the crib. I was supposed to be away for work (At the time I left the area for work alot, anywhere between 1-60 days at a time) So she put her down in the crib and my wife left the room, my daughter instantly started choking and went limp,lifeless. I didn't hesitate a half a second i scooped her up, and performed CPR (i learned it at work) it felt like it took an hour, I remember trying to call out to my wife but I couldn't get any words out of my mouth I was shaking like a leaf. I finally did and she came in and called 911 (I assume, my focus was laserpointed) and after what felt like eternity, I brought her back to life.(im bawling 😥). Life went on...

Flash forward a year and a half or more later, my daughter was eating a little tiny sucker and it got stuck in her throat and she started choking, did not pass out, but having very much difficulty trying to breathe. Again I bombed over and started performing CPR, again it felt like forever, maybe it was idk. (As I did my wife called 911 again.) I got the sucker out and the ambulance arrived after. I remember the one dude was super tall, like almost touched my ceiling with his head lol. He said "you did a good job, dad." 5 or so months later I left for a 6 month task at this place halfway across the country. During which I could visit home once and get a big pay bump while I was there. It started about a week or two in, I would go to work happy, go-lucky confident guy and at night I would get very bad thoughts of my kids dieing, or me dieing, and bawl myself well into the night. Halfway through visited my family, happy, confident had a good time. Went back and it was the same thing, super happy goes drinking with the buddies every couple weekends, gets it down on the dance floor lmao. But every night bawl my eyes out. The pain was so unbearable. So much so that towards the 4rthish month I stayed up watching a TV show, all night every night until I either passed out or went to work. Happy go-lucky me again boosted off of espressos. I work with a fair amount of people and I am fairly new compared to the others, so they are my boss. One night I had a few beers and started to feel the way I felt when alone at night.

Oh this might be important. I have never gone to the doctor for anything unless I was made to, ever. I couldn't tell people my problems in life, I couldn't show weakness.Until I did show weakness and my life has altered.

So this one night I started to tell my boss how distressed I was, I told him it was stress over work I think (I was very distressed I do not remember). This is crazy for me, it took 2 beers to do it, He responded by telling me to go to bed and I refused as I wanted to call my wife to let her know I was ok, and I just needed to hear a piece of home. 3-5 superiors/friends started to "help me get to bed" at this point I was getting really distressed and my vision were getting "foggier" while I tried to get free to call her. I wriggled free, or sat down i really don't frigging remember, but i know they were surrounding me, and planted my ass on the ground and called my wife, I told her something like "they are mad at me and making me go to bed, I love you". At that point they angrily escorted me to the door and a close friend guided me to my bed, I was numb. I grabbed a razor out of my locker and told him I was going to commit suicide and proceeded to get into bed. He managed to get the razor from me and alert my superiors. They put me on suicide watch, one escorted me on a flight back home directly to the local hospital. I was still so numb and now in shock that all this had transpired and I hated myself for showing weakness. I was deemed not a threat of suicide, which I wasn't anymore, I just wanted to go home to my family. I went to two therapy sessions in which they figured time will heal my problems. Here I am, confidence crushed. So my wife had cheated on me a few times, a year into our marriage with the same dude, I was away for a few months for work again (go figure 🙄) She showed so many signs, it was easy to figure out. Go to the gym get fit, get noticed, get social, get new girlfreinds, hate my family..... simple to see, and she later admitted to it, and we agreed to work things out.

Tiny background, I come from a small rural area, backcountry, grew up surrounded by miles of trees. My parents are super super super super religious, church 4 times a week, girls wear long skirts, don't cut their hair. Boy can't go shirtless, can't wear shorts. Find a wife, settle down, have kids, one marriage. Sounds great, that's what alot of people want right? I know I did.

 Awe what a beautiful fairy tale lol. NOT! Welcome to the real world So I came back and I'm all sorts of fucked up inwardly...outwardly happy daddy, let's go play in the yard. I would go outside and play with my kids, or do anything and everything to keep myself busy. Kids go to bed, i am shitty husband, keeps head busy gaming till 12ish, go to bed passout. Wife starts to show signs of cheating again, super easy, exact same signs, i asked she denied, I investigated (I know 😔 I suck ) Looking back i don't blame her for cheating, i was just the dull husk of a man that was left.

I confronted her again telling her I knew for a fact, i had 2 and a half beers (liquid courage). Things got heated and she punched me in the face about 12 times yelling "Hit me!". I would never ever in my life hurt a girl even if I have the right to, I know how that goes for guys. I pushed her off of me,making sure it was safely onto the bed two times during the punching. She's yelling "HIT ME!" I said "yeah!? You want me to hit you!????" And started punching myself in the face with all of my might, kinda hard to do, so wasn't hard, hers were harder. I backed into the corner of the room, took out my cellphone, and started recording. "You better not call the cops or you'll never see those kids again!" She said...."are you recording me?!" I said "yes you just hit me in the face a bunch of times", extremely distraught, bawling. She lunged at me and clamped onto my arm with her teeth and tried to get the phone out of my hand. It got turned off in the scuffle on the bed and she backed off. I left and calmed the kids down telling them everything is going to be OK and when I knew they were good and going back to sleep I proceeded to walk downstairs. Or at least thought I was, but instead flew down after my ex came up behind me and pushed me into the air. I hit a few pictures on the way down and the glass shattered as they hit the ground. My left foot landing in the glass and my right elbow landing on and breaking a waist high bookshelf. I hobbled downstairs best I could with a 5 inch peice of glass sticking out vertically from my foot, the entry just about a half Inch long, and it was a half inch deep or so. I pulled it out as my wife called the cops upstairs to tell them I assaulted her, I punched the wall in the kitchen downstairs because I was mad she pushed me down the stairs and her lying. As I left the kitchen and headed out the door I heard her tell them that she was the one that assaulted me, I thank her for that.
She now had a restraining order, not aloud near each other without supervision by a cop. So trading the kids back and forth was rough. I had been the income and she was the stay at home mom. Work gave me a little time off, but I still had to provide, so she got the house with the kids and the car. I called up the only dude I knew had my back, and had living space for one more. I lived with him and took the bus to visit the kids everyday after work to walk them to the playground or to the store for a treat. I became an alcoholic wreck while I didn't have the kids, and superdad when I did. Yeah not sustainable... I got sent out for work across the country again, this time just for two weeks. During which I would work during day, plastered at night. I came back and knew I had to get my shit together for the kids, what snapped me out of it was love for my kids. I knew I had to get my shit together. I got a car and kept on working. It took me about 6 or 7 months to be able to move her out of the house, she moved into a 3 bedroom duplex, I and got a little 2 bdrm apt. Kids share the main room (I know not sustainable, I will need to find somewhere else to live in a year or two, but for now, 3&5, and affordable)

 All the while, I'm getting flashes of my kids dieing in so many stupid ways that I know is dumb but they still happen, like driving on the highway and I feel like my wheels are going to fall off and we all die. Happy in front of everyone and while alone if I keep my head busy, I game till 12 and then go to bed and pass out. If I don't keep my head busy it wanders, especially in bed at night, but I'm pretty good at getting to sleep usually. While I am with my kids i do fun things, like going to the beach, going to the playground and playing on the stuff with them, having a blast. Except alot of the times I don't actually feel it, like I'm watching myself be happy and there is a great big ball of pain sitting next to me waiting to strike. Watching waiting foreseeing terrible futures, many of which I can swipe left pretty quickly due to stupid nature of them. But others more graphic and even a few seconds hurt so bad, sorry for the example but, like my daughter getting run over and disembowelled in front of me. I am not like, stupidly protective or whatever, I still let my kids climb stuff on the playset or whatever, but most times these visions, and the pain I have won't let me rest and you be darn well sure I'm always watching, always close enough to speed to their aide. I had a mini melt-down about the way my suicidal ideation had been handled while away, and was sent to one of the head guys by one of my nicer bosses. He was only concerned about my mental health, and getting me the help I needed, awesome guy, thank you if you read this and realize. He personally escorted me to the hospital to seek medical attention. Where I was assessed and given the option of taking an antidepressant and 10 therapy sessions with a reassess at the end, and 6 months no leaving the area away from my kids. During this they assessed I have dissacociative disorder, emotional OCD, and a third, I don't remember what. I have the WORST memory lately, unless its numbers, I can remember those oddly. I am approaching my reassess in a few months and I'm freaking out. The therapy sessions have really, really, really helped. They helped me realize and notice my emotions more, instead of disconnecting from them, and I've come to the realization that I can't handle being away from my kids across the country, where I can't save them. Where I can't be there for them, my son witnessed some of the core parts of the scuffle with my ex, he needs me especially.

I have 50% custody, and co-parent with their mom like she's a great friend, for my kids. She's a pretty good mom, albeit bad temper though.

I'm having rediculous stupid anxiety over it as I know I can't handle traveling across the country away from my kiddos anymore. I research through the companies in and outs of every possible outcome of a medical restriction of leaving the area. I was hoping i could continue to do my job, I actually reeeally like my job. Although the way mental health is treated is starting to get to me, unless I'm paranoid? I'm not sure. I was talking to a guy I had worked with/for previously in the company and he said in his experience not leaving the area results in the person leaving the company with financial aide to get set up, always.So I began to steer my research in that direction.Turns out at the reassess, if you still can't be employed out of area they give you another 6 months of not leaving the area or restrictions for whatever your medical needs are, and if still not cured permanent restriction, which then you get given another job OR they help you financially to get set up in a job you can do outside of the company. This has been hours of daily research and paranoia, I need to provide for my babies. I had a phone appointment with my doctor today, who coincides with my work to determine the outcome of my career. I told her I don't think she can cure me of needing to be there for my children, and that I feel sending me away will seriously affect my mental state. That i am having alot of anxiety over the suspense of it all. I am extremely scared to leave the area again, because I'm not sure I will be confident enough for them to handle suicidal ideation if it were to happen again, as the last time it had not been handled well. She told me that I was threatening suicide and that being able to leave the area is a choice, not a medical restriction, that my family life has nothing to do with the mental capacity of leaving my children behind with my ex, and going across the country where I can't respond quickly. So at the end i will be sent out again or whatever my direct superiors decide. She told me in her opinion i should quit my job or risk getting in trouble for "choosing" to not leave the area. She said there is no way the head person she reports to with my file would sign off on helping me financially get on my feet outside the business, and there is no way I can switch jobs within the company if I can't leave the area.

I had to hang up, she shattered any hope I had at a normal life near my kids and feel ok enough to survive.
I sobbed on the drive home and laid on my bed staring at the wall, no energy to move a muscle for a couple of hours before I wrote this. I can't afford to quit and go work at a low income job, I'm supporting my 2 kids. So looks like my restrictions will just be taken off eventually and sent away anyways OR they fire me, but to do it they'd have to run my name through the dirt as they fired me.
Now I don't think they beleive me or care that I can't handle it, and I will be sent out again eventually no matter what. I have opened up to only a few people pertaining to this, but I am so so so so so so so tired, tired of having to explain just peices to every single person I come across in this corporation why I cant handle leaving the area. It affects me for so long afterwards and I hate it. So I am writing this once and for all, anonymously, and try to reconstruct my mask, to be able to leave again.
I will not be responding to anyone here. I don't want to talk about it, but any feedback or help is much appreciated.
How do I do it? how does anyone else do it? I know people have way worse things than me, but this is all too real for me and I live it everyday. Am I faking it? If I can just keep that part of my brain busy, I can be perfectly OK in front of people, though a few random tears have escaped my eyes, a few painful silent screams have escaped my lips at work. I manage to hide it i think, i get through it and therapy has been helping me but now i am extremely discouraged.
Bottom line I will need to leave the area again, I will need to put on a face and risk deteriorating while away, not confident in my companies employees to handle the situation if my mask breaks. I don't see another option do you?
But now I'm petrified, I hope they don't fire me and run my name through the dirt because I won't be able to afford to have my children and will have to go live in a room in someone's house, dead inside.
I have to go , this has been very emotionally draining and this will be my last time telling new people, I will continue in therapy until I am strong enough to put that mask back on or cured, whichever comes first.
There are a million different things running through my head, I hope I've covered what my core issues are.I have to go , this has been very emotionally draining and this will be my last time telling new people, I will continue in therapy until I am strong enough to put that mask back on and leave the area or cured, whichever comes first.
Am I going crazy? I feel like I am.

I began this post as a reply to u/momqthrowaway3 post on her baby' s sleep issues, but it got too long and too into my routine so i decided to just post in hopes of helping some other moms as well as just sharing my fucked up pandemic-times life. This is my 1st post and im on mobile so sorry for any issues.
Some background: b4 covid, i worked as a caseworker and ran my own in home daycare (and have since my first kiddo's birth 5 yrs ago) and SO was a construction manager; we have 4 kiddos under 5 one of whom is a pandemic baby born in August 2020; and we had a small rental home we had outgrown and were planning to buy soon. But covid shut down both of my jobs indefinitely and his for a long period at the start. We were evicted and savings gone; a month ago we moved into my grabdparents home until we get on our feet. Around 2 weeks b4 we moved in, my niece (who is 18 ) and her 10month old son also moved in because her baby daddy had friends over in thier govt housing apartment smoking weed, cops got called but everyone had left but niece and baby n4 they arrived, niece got caught with an oz and copped Simple Possession and Child Neglect charges, got evicted and baby daddy left her 🙄 This niece was an orphan who was raised mostly by my grandparents after she was 7 or so but b4 that my parents kept her,and I raised her full time. After she was out of baby stages grandparents could and did take her in as i was in college (i was only a teen when sh3 was born but mom and dad worked 14hr days leaving me with her) but i got her every weekend and many weekdays. She is used to us taking care of her. So i do EVERYTHING here, for everyone- cooking cleaning laundry caring for papaws medical needs (nursing background) and his appointments etc, as well as being the full time primary carer for her 10 month old son as shes RARELY if ever here;plus prepping for and managing her court and DCS cases, grocery shopping, meal planning, etc etc all WHILE being a full time WAHM and sole carer for my 4 kids who are DS 2months, DS 2yo, DS 3yo, and DD 5yo, and i just "reopened" my 24/7 in home daycare, allowing 1 student (a 5yo boy) whom ive had since birth to return, and to stay here for 6 out of 7 days and nite with his parents getting him saturday night and returning him sunday evening to reduce risk to both households. Hubby works full time and runs the farm in his off hours evenings and weekends; nights he sleeps downstairs with papaw to watch out/care for him.
So to recap, we are financially and practically supporting 6 kids and 4 adults, i never see hubby, and im working AND full time careteacheetc for 6 kids under 5yo,plus an old man and a teen. Im going crazy but also kinda love it and kinda hate it. So anyway here ive detailed my nighttime routine and sleep training methods to maybe help someone while venting/getting any advice yall might have?
So, obviously i have TONS to do each day. And let me tell u, without sleep training my life would end because id jump off an effing bridge! And i promise my kids dont hate me, at all (a concern in the other post). Right now, for ex, my 2yo is at my feet saying "hold me, hold me"(so we are going to sit down to allow this ) and the 10mnth old is crawling around and pulling up on my legs and smiling with his new teeth at me, while my 2month old snuggles my chest in his Moby wrap. My 5yo dd and Briley (5yo student boy) are picking their outside clothes with my supervision, chatting to me about everything that enters their heads.
Im close to all my kids and my charges. And ALL are/were sleep trained. The way i handle it is, wait till the baby gets whiny and sleepy, allowing them to sort of set the schedule (which evens out and becomes regular in a surprisingly short time); for my babies its usually about 8pm, so we begin bedtime routine then, and kids lie down about 10pm, with them waking at about 8 or 9am (late by many peoples standards for toddlers, but we operate on the waking/sleeping hours of my papaw as we live in his home. So 8ish is when we usually start our routine but it varies occasionally to be earlier or later depending on the day's events, how kids feel, events happening, etc; i tend to try to set " flexible routines"-doing things at generally the same time and in the same order but allowing for variation/leeway always- and ive learned that this is a key element to successfully parenting 4-6 kids under the age of 5.
So ok, background established, this is how i handle bedtime once kids are tired:
Step One-Snacktime: Each kid gets a final healthy snack and drink (fruit, a graham cracker, juice/milk/wate,etc) so they cant use it as an excuse to get up again later; i sit them in front of PBS as they eat this so i can so i can accomplish baby feeds and step 2 while they eat and watch. So as the big ones eat (and i even give 10 mnth old a small portion of actual finger food snacks at this time), i feed the newborn by first giving 2oz formula and then nursing him as i both formula and BF,mainly formula tho.
Step 2-Final Cleanup and Prep: Another thing ive discovered as a parent/caregiver of so many small kids is that organization, preparation, and heading off tantrums where possible are other keys to success. So after baby eats, while big kids linger with their snack and show, i get together all the toiletries, grooming tools, diapers/undies/pullups, hooded towels/baby wash cloths/toddler robes, etc etc that ill need; wipe the tub and put the baby sling/faucet covehair washing cup in there; give each big kid a choice of PJs to avoid tantrums (i.e. do u want peppa pig or lion guard pjs tonite?, so they have a choice but not an open-ended one, and are thus dressed not too warmly or cooly etc); wash and make up water-filled sippy cups; then sing The Cleanup Song and get kids to help pick up all toys/messes they made, then i sweep and wipe tables down a final time.
Step 2.5-Make Up the Beds: So since we live with papaw we obviously dont all have separate rooms as its a 2bedroom house. Breanna (my niece) has her room still as she was raised here; and until we moved in my mamaws room was storage. Papaw has a small 'apartment' in the finished basement (living/dining area, bathroom, bedroom). I cleaned up mamaws room and made it into a "nursery", where i put a pack n play and bassinet and changing table, temp plastic rolling dressers and chests for the kids and me and SO, and organized all our toys/craft/homeschool/daycare supplies in a table/cabinet combo there. Our sleeping arrangements are: hubby downstairs on a futon in papaws living rm, me and kids upstairs in "the nursery" w/me on an army cot, 10month old in pack n play,2month old in portable bassinet, and for the big kids, i brought my daycare nap cots, which are like small canvas "slings" on low sturdy plastic legs. The nap cots stack and the army cot folds and all are put into the closet daily while not used; so at night i take them all out, make them all up with fitted crib/bed sheets, light (toddler) blankets, pillows (boppy pillows for my kids they've used since infancy), and stuffies, adding "pee pads"/"chucks" that i filched frm my last nursing job (sue me) for nighttime accidents. Then i begin the next step.
Step 3-Bathtime: I bathe them all every other nite; on "off" nights i lather washcloths, spongebathe them all, and do lotion powder diapering etc all the same. So since there are so many, this has to be done in stages. First i run warm water to fill the tub, add food coloring of my toddlers color choice,and put in the infant bath seat; then i gather and undress my 2yo and the 10mo and toss them in, let them play a bit, then shampoo hair and wash bodies, using lavender bedtime wash and kiddie shampoo, amid wails of protest, rinse, let out water, then wrap in hooded towels and carry to changing table where they get rubbed down in lavender baby lotion in a mini baby massage, freshly diapered with Vaseline or butt cream as a moisture barrier and baby powder for freshness, given their allergy meds (all my kiddos have them) and 10month olds tylenol and homeopathic teething tablets, and dressed in their PJs/ sleepers. I sit them back in front of PBS, wipe tub and refill, add food coloring of choice (each kid chooses on alternate bath nights, and FYI food coloring is way cheaper than fizzy bath color tabs!) and bubble bath, undress and toss is Group 2 consisting of my 5yo daycare student briley and my 3yo son; repeat bathing,dressing, and med routine, adding eye drops for briley; then sit them back in front of PBS, drain/wipe/refill tub deeper than before, add a bath bomb for my 5yo DD, and let her play and soak alone a bit (as she prefers) before repeating wash/dress/meds/etc, adding exzema lotion for her and some nights (1x a month)a very mild depilatory cream treatment for her legs as she was embarrassed of th3e dark thick hair and BEGGED to shave, and i allowed the cream as an alternative to help boost her self esteem. Please dont come at me, i weighed the pros and cons and her mental health won. Finally, i drain/wipe/refill one last time, add baby bath sling, a bathe 2mo, repeating all wash/dress/med routines but adding oral and topical Nystatin for thrush, and gas drops. Then time for next step.
Step 3.5- Grooming: Once all are clean, we have to do teeth and hair. So i spray all the big kids hair with detangler spray, and then baby brush the 2 infants' hair, wet-brush my long haired 2yo and 3yo's hair, comb 5yo student's short hair, and then for DD i do a wide-tooth-comb detangling followed by wet brushing and braiding with leave in conditioner. Then i prepare all toothbrushes (electric for toddlers/preschoolers, finger brush for 2mo, "scissor handled" toddler brush for 10mo) with bubblegum dino kids paste, sing the brushing song as we all brush together, then touch up big kids teeth myself b4 doing the 2 babies mouths. Then we rinse with bubblegum mouthwash and are done! With step 3 :)
Step 4: Story and Song Time: We all read stories and sing together, one song and one book for each kid of their choice (but i love books and reading, so i dont mind doing that many, one is fine); we start with a baby book and lullaby for each baby then put babies to bed-10mo in crib, 2mo in bassinet- and come back to read with big kids).
Step 5-BEDTIME!!!: Once the routine is done, we all go into nursery (which has a large moon nightlight that hangs on the wall, and a 3 small very dim colored safe sleep night lights in outlets around the room,one blue, one red and one green; and i turn on nature sounds) where they get in their cots and then we say prayers together (we are not religious but we say aloud what blessings we are thankful for, loved ones in our thoughts etc then do some classic kids prayers as they are sweet and harmless); then i go around and tuck each kiddo in,give kisses and hugs, and i lie down and read until they sleep b4 usually getting back up to clean/prep for next day etc.
But heres where my "sleep training" comes in: once down for the nite, if a baby or kid cries/whines, i have a method where i go immediately check them and bed over to make sure they are clean/dry/comfy/ have all they need/ etc WITHOUT PICKING THEM UP, but while murmuring reassurances and explanations soothingly (mommys here, youre ok, have a good sleep so we can play, i love you but its night night time so we cant get up, etc). I then leave and let them cry for a few mins and if they dont stop i return and repeat the soothing after 2 mins, then 5, then 10, then 15, then 20, then 30 etc. If they've not ceased in 30min then i may sit by the crib and sing or read or just chill on my phone to be present, but ALWAYS LEAVE B4 THEY R FULLY ASLEEP AGAIN, and NEVER get them out or touch them too much while soothing frm a distance. This way they know you are nearby, that you care, and that you'll always be nearby even when they dont see u, but that you WONT give in to tantrums or excessive neediness; and they eventually are reassured enough that they dont NEED your attention as well as realizing they cant get their way always or from tantrumming. All my kiddos learned this way and did great and still do.

UPDATE : After rereading this post I realized there were several essential tips and hacks I left off the original list!

Original Post:

Being a single parent of a baby or little kid is all about doing everything you can to reduce your own stress to meet the challenges of fufilling all there needs while simultaneously taking care of yourself and keeping your sanity. I was not a kid person prior to having my daughter and had little experience watching kids. Now she is almost 3. I have a just an average income and make enough to afford our 1 bedroom apartment and allow us to live comfortably. I have had her 24/7/365 since she was 1. Its been a massive learning experience. Below is my guide for various tips as well as recommended products and services (as cheap as possible) that have helped me go from feeling completely overwhelmed to progress to having a successful single/solo parent experience.

Tips and recommended products / services for streamlining your home

1) Take the time to overhaul your residence to get everything extremely organized. Literally everything having a place where it belongs and the whole place totally childproofed
This will take fucking work and forethought. But its worth it because little babies and toddlers are literally chaos makers. In physics there's a concept called Entropy. Little kids are the personification of that. In order to succeed against letting chaos take rein in your home and life you need to put significant effort into thinking about making efficient organization choices about where every little thing should go, out of reach of your kid(s), and keeping things child proofed so you don't have to worry about it. This includes wire management, self-contained garbage cans, doodrawer kiddie locks, organizing toys, restricting bathroom/closet access etc etc. Doing this to not only ends up keeping your residence clean and organized and provides a nice place for your kid(s) to reside. Also makes your life way less stressful in worrying about them getting into something they shouldn't or quickly getting something in a clutch situation while simulatenously dealing with a tantruming or a kid with a diaper that leaking poop on the floor etc etc. Dealing with these type of little but common crises that parents face are exponentially harder as single parents. It is 100x less stressful if you know exactly where to find what you need at all times as well as knowing your kid can't open the drawer which holds then scissors and paperclips. To help with this task I recommend these child proof products
I use these for drawers
I use this for doors
Child proofed motion activated garbagecan
I use this for keeping toys organized in the bathtub
I use these to childproof my powerstrips, But I use this powerstrip for plugging things in out of reach since its more conducive to wire management
The toilet to a toddler is like a waterpark attraction. Childproof your toilet
Outlet covers/corner protectors if you have furniture where the toddler can hurt themselves if they fall
There is no stairs in my home if you do you 100 percent want to get a childproof gate.

2 ) Utilize Amazon / instacart
I love amazon. I hate going to the grocery store with my beautiful unruly little kid. As a result I get almost everything delivered. If I want something same day I go with instacart. Get groceries and diapers/wipes and all your other household needs delivered, same day or next day. Avoid chasing a kid or dealing with tantrums in a grocery store which as a single parent takes 2,3,4,5x longer... and 100x more stressful
3 ) Kiddie Ipad
Hey man. Yes too much TV time is bad. This is not a substitute for parenting. But no matter how big a superhero you are you can't watch your kid for literally every second. You also want or need some time to do other shit or even just relax. These are clutch and actually truly engage your kid if you find the good kids channels. My daughter learned to count from the kids music videos that she loved
4) Network Network Network
Especially with neighbors, like older but still active or other parents. Also other things like public library kiddie reading groups, facebook playdates etc etc. The people you meet are usually trustworthy and potentially can help you with free childcare and other things as a single parent.
5) Kiddie cam
You should never leave your little kid home alone. That is true and a great ideal platitude. The reality is there is situations that you might get tempted to when they are napping to grab some needed item etc. and then are riddled with guilt after. In this event that you leave for 7 minutes to go to the 24/7 corner gas station to get diapers in the middle of night.. at the least you want a camera on your kid so you can see they are safe in there playpen / secure area while you are out. My opinion is do NOT go with the ones marketed as nanny cams at least if you are looking for the most bang for your buck. Some of these are several hundred dollars. I use one that is 10x less cost then that marketed as a home security cam for $35 on amazon it has Night vision, can access live footage on the app from my cell phone from anywhere, and can even do 2 way communication.
6 ) Climbing out of crib / playpen prevention
Its awesome to watch them get bigger and learn to walk/ run / climb like a monkey. However it also means that they have the ability to hurt themselves and drive you crazy from unable to keep them contained in there space when you want them to be. For kids starting climbing out of a crib / playpen I came across two foolproof methods. One costs next to nothing. The first one is safety pins and footed pajamas. Buy some $3 box of diaper safety pins, and put your kid in footed pajamas then use safety pins on footed pajamas and pin there feet together. Doesn't hurt them at all, they can still move around but they can't lift there leg over the crib. The second solution is a crib tent like this which are usually around $50 or $60 which I prefer cus I didn't want to always have to dress my kid in footed pajamas
7 ) Sunction plates and bowls
Babies and toddlers love to dump all there food out just so you get to look forward to cleaning. But with these bad boys they can't get them off the table. In the same vein childproof snackholders in case you want them to snack in there crib while watching there kiddie Ipad but not make a huge mess in there
8 ) Paper plates / paper cups.
Minimize dishwashing. Any little thing to reduce errands helps reduce stress as a single parent
9) Toy organization
With there toys .. You want them to make a mess, explore, throw and play with all this stuff. So you want it to be controlled chaos. Meaning it will get to be a mess and you always want to be able to clean it easy. Toy organizers are perfect for this. I bought this one . $75 bucks it was a little more then I was looking to spend but it was the only one that had both toy boxes and a book shelf attached for her books so everything as in one area. Super easy to pick up all her shit at the end of the day and put it back here.
10 ) A few Toy recommendations to keep them engaged
This interactive kiddiedesk cost me $80 and keeps her engaged for hours , she learns abc's it plays her songs, and does other cool stuff
These made for bathtime books are great for helping them look forward to bathtime and enjoy that they will have something to engage them
I got her a big magentic drawing board but she hardly used it.. then I got this super small $10 one and she likes it I think cus its more her size. here
Magenetic blocks.. $30 made for little kids and encourage them to get there creative/building skills going

Optional but worth it

10) Cheap Robot vacuum.
These have a stigma of being super expensive. However you can get cheap really effective ones for under $200. To me that is a worthy investment for the time and effort it will save you in having to do this chore. I recommend the Coredy Robot Vacuum Cleaner ($189) which has been reviewed at being extremely effective on all surfaces
11) Childs meal services.
If you can afford it its extremely worth it. Its not cheap but again it makes life easier becausethe pros are getting nutrituous meals for your kid for the week without worrying about cooking or what they will eat. I recommend this (starts from $60+ week for frozen nutritious kids meals delivered to your door, all you need to do is pop em in the microwave)
12) Chain wallet with keychain
If you are like me you lose your keys and or wallet. And when your not losing it you set it down in the wrong place and your kid will grab it go through it dump everything out or hide the keys under the couch etc etc. Done dealing with this got a wallet + key chain combo and a little hanger by the front door never had this issue again
13) Child locator
This isn't a necessity but a big paranoia for me was my daughter getting lost or worse snatched when out and about somewhere.. or even at daycare when not in my care. I looked into a GPS safety device for kids and this ($100 + like $10 a month) one is pretty perfect I just tuck it into her shoe when we go out and noone even knows its there including her.. but I can check on her location from literally anywhere on my phone.

Free resources

Childs car seats

Just google free child car seat there are countless resources.
2) Facebook groups - search on facebook in the groups section "parents" "families" "single parents" and join groups in your local area these groups can really be clutch for a million random things you may need or can help you locally and more often then you'd think these resources are free or next to nothing
3) Government resources - this will depend on your financial income bracket but If you qualify financially apply for your county's local social / financial programs. They can provide assistance with finances, food, and even daycare
4) Legal resources - Still fighting that custody battle with your ex but can't afford a lawyer? Many law schools offer pro bono legal services and advice. Law students are the ones you will meet with but they are overseen by there professors who are real lawyers

UPDATE tips :
Keeping your sanity / parenting effectively during tantrums
I dont care if you are Mother Theresa.... after dealing with literally thousands of hours of a child crying it will eventually grate on your last nerves. Two really good video resources that I found super effective in the best way to handle those situations both for my benefit and my child... especially if they are at a stage where they are not able to understand action / consequence dynamic.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXgz7f2eV3E&list=PLDlJoVDTrbolbz9YO4jKSKUP_huzZ-9_i&index=1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXgz7f2eV3E&list=PLDlJoVDTrbolbz9YO4jKSKUP_huzZ-9_i&index=1
Lastly another amazing secret weapon I discovered ... especially good for times where I had exhausted my last ounce of patience in dealing with all the crying and desperately wanted a break but it was not possible as I was alone. Wireless headphones! These have a rep for being super expensive.. however I found a pair of enacfire brand for $40 on amazon.. that pair with my phone from 100 feet.. totally waterproof and amazing sound. Ok so you want a break., but you know its not gonna happen. Of course leaving the room to give you a chance to calm down is a good solution. The other trick is with wireless headphones set the volume moderately loud so your preferred music is louder then the screaming... but not totally deafen you so you can actually still engage with your kid and take care of them. Its amazing how the music playing in the background takes away the stress of the situation... this little hack ultimately will help you both!

Diaper bag
Honestly I hated traditional diaper bags.. they just fall off your shoulders and are hard to carry for long periods of time. So eventually I made the switch to a high quality backpack which is way easier on your body to carry for long periods of time. What to pack ? Here are the essentials and the trick is do not use or take out any of the items in this bag for at home! Have a seperate set of everything at home.. only use your diaper bag stuff when you are traveling / in other places. This is just your "be prepared / emergency" bag that sits in the closet and you can grab at a moments notice without packing when you need to leave... that way when you have a throwup in the car or leaky diaper in public you are not stuck without what you need cus you accidently used it earlier at home.. so always keep it stocked:
- 3-4 diapers
- full pack of wipes
- Diaper rash cream (CRITIC Clear is like magic.. recommended to me from some nurses)
- Full outfit change (this will be clutch when you least expect it and most need it! )
- 3-4 snacks (Toddler purees / crackers)
- Spare bottle
- 3-4 small but engaging toys
- blanket or diaper changing station (you never know where you will need to change one.. and the majority of the time it will be in your car or some place without a diaper changing station bathroom)
And when its time to go I like to have a thermos filled with milk.. useful especially if you are gonna be gone for more then an hour

Sleep time
The trick is to get your baby / toddler enough engagement / activity during the day that they have no choice but to knock out! So if you find they are filled with energy at bed time.. you know that they need more time at the park, running around, trying new activities etc etc on the daily.
Additionally if you need more assistance to help them fall to sleep.. Melatonin is an over the counter supplement for babies / toddlers that is completely harmeless and is universally approved by medical professionals and used in virtually all hospitals to help kids ease off to sleep

Custody agreement
Last tip is especially for single dads : Keep Copy of custody agreement in the car! I cant tell you how many times to this day even though I make every medical and legal decision for her that I am still questioned about what is moms decision and "can we see your custody agreement". As tiring as it is its just handy to be ready for it.

Lastly Doordash has started to do grocery/convenience store items! You can literally have diapers delivered to your door from CVS within 30 minutes .. take advantage! Also for some states EBT (Foodstamps) has been allowed to be used on amazon which delivers groceries for free to your door sometimes within hours but always at least next day for free!

I put together this extremely long list of tips, stuff we do/don't like, etc. for my best friend recently. It's kind of a lot and may not all be relevant to everyone's needs, but hopefully some of it will be useful to some of you. I found these types of posts super helpful when I was pregnant and planning, so I figure since I've done the work of putting it together, I might as well share the love with you all, dear internet strangers <3 As with anything pregnancy/birth/baby related, YMMV, these are just my opinions and observations so far.
We had our son River in March. We had planned on an unmedicated birth with a doula, laboring at home before delivering at a hospital, but that wasn't in the cards for us. River was breech, and ended up being born unexpectedly via emergency c-section and spending time in the NICU. (Birth story here if you're interested.) Some of what I've included is specific to that type of birth.
Most of the stuff we got was hand me downs, and new stuff came mostly as gifts from Amazon. I've tried to link to non-Amazon sources for things because fuck Jeff Bezos, but know that they are available there if that's what works better for you.
BOOKS
Like a Mother - really enjoyed this one
Expecting Better - really useful info. helped a lot with decision making
Cribsheet - can be read later on since it's mostly post-birth stuff, same author as Expecting Better
The Birth Partner - this would be for a partner to read, if it fits with your birth plan/philosophy
Ina May's Guide to Childbirth - didn't finish it, mostly read the birth stories, liked it
Happiest Baby On The Block - not worth buying, got it from library, but nice to skim
Parenting Beyond Pink and Blue - about raising kids without gender stereotypes - enjoying so far, except that sometimes the author conflates sex and gender which is a big pet peeve for me
Boys: What It Means To Become A Man - bought this, haven’t read any of it. I think it’s about addressing toxic masculinity in parenting
No Bad Kids - I didn’t finish reading it (library) but I might try it again
Babywise - didn't care for this one so much, just seemed stress inducing so I didn't finish it or follow its guidelines. Friends really liked it. It's basically advice on getting your baby on a sleep schedule super early on
Go Diaper-Free - just got this this week - it's about elimination communication (EC). I'm going to try out some of the techniques soon with River but it has advice on reducing the reliance on diapers from birth. Everyone I know who's done EC with their kids swears by it.
WHILE PREGNANT
Pregnancy pillow: made sleeping so much more comfortable. Also was sort of like a straight jacket that kept me from moving in my sleep (I’m not a natural side sleeper) and made a giant pillow wall between me and Mike (husband), but so comfy. I felt like style and shape is a personal preference. I had a “C” shaped one. I think I started using it around 14 weeks or so.
Support belt: I got this one in the event one of my ECVs worked to hold the baby in place, but none were successful. Some people use it just for comfort but because River was breech I didn’t use it because I didn’t want to hold him in the wrong position, plus I was never very uncomfortable.
Clothes: shop the holiday weekend sales on Old Navy online. They don’t carry a lot of maternity items in stores, and they’re pretty decent and the sales make them cheap. Beware that almost no pregnancy jeans have front pockets. But some (not all) Old Navy ones do. Motherhood Maternity is overpriced for the quality, though I did get a few office appropriate dresses from there that were also nursing dresses, so they look good when you’re not pregnant later. I had two pairs of pregnancy leggings (over the bump) that were handed down that I wore a ton towards the end.
I had wanted an unmedicated birth, which meant I also wanted to test negative for group b strep (you get tested around 35 weeks I think) so that I wouldn’t need antibiotics. I took a specific probiotic and swallowed raw garlic daily starting around 32 weeks, which can help kill the bacteria if you have it. It didn’t work for me, but I would do it again and start sooner (maybe around 25 weeks) next time.
For the last month and a half, I went to a Webster trained chiropractor and an acupuncturist who specialized in pregnancy. Both were amazing. I was going to them to try and flip River head down, but I think if I were to be pregnant again with a non-breech baby, I’d do both again anyway. Super relaxing, helped with being more comfortable and mobile. I also went a few times for Mayan abdominal massage, which was also supposed to help with flipping. It was lovely, but of the three treatments, is probably the one I could see foregoing in the future.
Also prenatal yoga and stretching were actually super helpful. My back and hips would sometimes hurt in the night and so I would do pigeon pose and some butterfly stretches when I got up to pee. Helped a lot. And walking a lot especially towards the end. I think staying mobile helped my back while I was pregnant and made me recover from surgery faster. I also did guided meditation and breathing exercises that were hypnobirthing based.
LABOR
FridaMom gown: so I didn’t labor, but this was nice to have at the hospital for sleeping in and it is breastfeeding friendly. I use it as pajamas now.
FridaMom c-section underwear: if you end up needing a planned cesarean, these undies are so much more comfortable than the hospital ones they give you. Those are a wedgie waiting to happen. I ordered these from Target.
FridaMom makes a bunch of other recovery specific to vaginal delivery, but I didn’t try any of it.
Definitely take everything (pads, undies, peribottle, diapers, wipes, etc) from the hospital and don’t be shy asking for extras. The nurses don’t care.
Stuff for you to bring to the hospital:

Your own pillow and a pillow for partner
Cozy socks
Water bottle(s) ideally with straw or squeeze top
Toiletries (soap shampoo toothpaste deodorant etc)
Chap stick
Hair ties
SNACKS: we brought snack bars, jerky, and trail mix. I had packed these way in advance which I highly recommend doing so you can just grab and go. Honestly I think the snacks were the most important thing we brought to the hospital.
Change(s) of clothes for your partner - easy to forget but they're (most likely) sleeping over too!
Comfy pants - I ordered some c-section friendly stuff from target in advance (2 pairs of these, 2 pairs of these, 1 pair of these that was either high waisted or had a drawstring that could make it high waisted. These would work for vaginal delivery too. I still wear these pants most days
2-3 breastfeeding shirts (I got bunch of clothes from this brand - the short sleeved version of this shirt, and a few dresses) and bras (links below)
Extra long phone charger cables and plugs
I liked having crocs as my shoes there. Easy on and off, could be worn in the shower. I also packed slippers but crocs with cozy socks were enough
A robe if you’re a robe person. Helps make you feel more cozy afterwards.
Breastfeeding pillow if you’re going to be using one
Nipple cream
Breast pads (I didn’t bring these but wish I had for leaks -see below for more info)
Lactation cookies

Take whatever drugs they give you for recovery, and take them on time (i.e. if you can re-dose every 6 hours, do it every 6 hours (not every 7 or 8 or 9)). I was prescribed extra strength Tylenol and Advil, as well as oxy for pain. I took all of them on schedule the whole 4 days I was in the hospital, and then when I got home, I didn’t need the oxy any more but I took the Tylenol and Advil religiously for a full week. I set alarms around the clock. It helped me to remind myself that they don’t give out medals for making it through pain or discomfort without taking drugs, so I should just take them. It’s easy to forget or to think you’ll just be fine. It's also so much easier to prevent the pain before it bothers you than to try and reduce it after it starts. I think this applies regardless if it’s an incision or your vagina that’s hurting.
BREASTFEEDING
My Brest Friend pillow: super comfy and easy to position the baby on.
Boppy pillow: no fucking clue how this is supposed to help breastfeeding. Apparently once the baby can sit up you can use it to prop them, but it is not helpful to us yet.
Motherlove nipple cream: doesn’t have to be washed off before baby eats, has no lanolin, and is really nice to put on before pumping if you have to do any of that. I got like 4 of these so I could have one by the bed, one next to the pump, one in the NICU, etc. I love it. When I remember to, I put it on after showering and before bed too.
Lanolin nipple cream: kind of hard to put on, and sticky and weird. Stains clothes. Dislike.
Bamboobies washable breast pads: soft, comfy pads for leaks - very necessary especially at the beginning. They seemed expensive when I bought them but I am now very glad I did.
Haaka pump: I’ve used it a couple times and am just about to introduce it more regularly to my routine. Everyone who has one loves it intensely, so I’m assuming that once I start using it more often, I’ll have a more concrete positive opinion. It’s definitely easier than a pump-pump. The Haaka I got also had a lid.
Nursing bras: I wear nursing bras 100% of the time now. I sleep in them, I wear them all day. Boobs are bigger when they're full of milk, and they leak, and having a bra on keeps them more comfortable and allows me to wear pads. Before I gave birth, I had stopped wearing nice bras (for like, the last 2 years or so) that were actually sized correctly to fit me, and was only wearing wire free stretchy ones that I got at Target. Technically the ones that I had been getting had straps that would work for breastfeeding, but my boobs grew so they don't fit right now.
So for nursing I got these, which are comfy and easy. They're nice for sleep. Only thing is that bigger boobs can kind of fall out of them, and sometimes I find that my nipple has slipped out from behind the bra part, which isn't really an issue unless there's friction or I'm leaking.
I also got these ones, which are my favorite. Comfortable enough to sleep in, and they do a better job of keeping things all up in there.
LACTATION COOKIES
Do these work? I'm not totally sure. I started eating them while we were still in the hospital, and had no trouble with supply (which seems kind of amazing to me considering I didn't start pumping until 2 days after birth, had no skin to skin with River for his first 4 days of life, and couldn't even try breastfeeding directly until he was about a week old). Did the cookies make that happen? I don't know. Is it nice to have a bag full of cookies that are all mine and not having to feel guilty about not sharing? Absolutely. For that reason, I suggest getting a few. If nothing else, they're a nice snack.
Booby boons in caramel crunch: always seem a little stale but very tasty
Mommy knows best in oatmeal chocolate rainbow cookie: a little weird but tasty and big. This brand also sells mixes to make cookies or brownies. I also made their brownie mix and they were delicious. Also the best part honestly was not having to share :)
Nourisher lactation bars in chocolate banana: actually gross. Weird texture and banana tastes chemical-y even though it’s all natural. Yuck
OTHER BOOB STUFF
My nipples definitely hurt the first few weeks but it gets better and goes away. I liked these Booby Tubes which can be microwaved or frozen for relief. I also tried these gel pads. They didn’t seem to make much of a difference but it was nice at the time to have some protection against friction. I got these too but haven't needed them yet.
Definitely ask to meet with a lactation consultant at the hospital. They can evaluate your baby's latch, help you with positioning, and give you tips for a feeding or pumping schedule once you're home. Also remember and remind yourself that it can be hard, and that's ok, and it doesn't work for everyone or every baby and that's ok too!
BOTTLE FEEDING
We supplemented with pumped milk (i.e. I'd breastfeed him, then we'd have a bottle of prepared breastmilk ready that I had pumped earlier to make sure he was getting enough) when River first came home so we had some bottle stuff ready to go. It seems like some babies develop a preference for a specific bottle while other will drink from anything. River was more the latter, though we thought that maybe the Lansinoh bottles seemed better? Not really sure any more why.
Lansinoh bottles: easy to clean, didn’t seem to cause a ton of spit up
Comotomo bottles: hard to unscrew because the bottom is silicone, but otherwise good
Dr. Browns bottles: entirely too many pieces to wash and assemble. This is what they used in our NICU
Mam anti-colic bottles: we got one free as a sample. These also have too many parts so they’re annoying to clean and assemble
Pump: Because River was unable to feed directly from the breast right away, I qualified for a rental of a hospital grade pump. They gave me a Medela Symphony. At the hospital, I was using an Ameda pump that was huge, attached to a rolling stand. I liked that the Ameda one showed elapsed time, but that was really the only thing I liked better about it. It might be worth asking your doctor or your insurance plan if you'd qualify for a hospital grade rental pump if pumping is something you're interested in.
Sanitizer:
Avent: doesn’t dry. Got this as a hand-me-down. We thought this was fine but it wasn’t. We needed drying.
Papablic: dries. Takes longer but much better.
DIAPERING
Butt paddle: so nice! No creams all over your hands!!
SkipHop changing mat: we use this on top of our changing pad and cover because it’s waterproof and more easily wiped down. It’s great for travel. Even when travel just means the living room floor instead of the changing pad.
If you have a boy, their pee goes everywhere, it is insane. The penis needs to be covered at all times, which is tricky. We keep a stack of shop rags from Costco (which is also what we use for burp cloths - HIGHLY RECOMMEND) on hand, fold them to fit between his legs, and wedge them there while we wipe and put cream on. He goes through a million of them. He will pee, then a minute later pee again. You’re never safe. There is always pee waiting to go everywhere. Like in his eye! Or mouth! I’m sure girls have lots of pee too, but it doesn’t travel in the same way.
Diaper cream: River got a rash that was really hard to get rid of so we literally panic-ordered $80 worth of creams online to try and figure out the best one. We got:
Sensicare: what they used in the NICU. Effective, but very hard to clean off and expensive. You go through a tube quite quickly.
Desitin: kind of whatever. Didn’t do the trick for us.
Bordeaux’s butt paste: smells weird.
Triple paste: expensive, but worked best for us ultimately
Triderma: too thin in consistency, like a lotion.
Aquaphor baby diaper paste: fine, but didn’t make it disappear. Annoying to get out of the tube.
When he doesn’t have a rash we use Aquaphor baby ointment (basically Vaseline). We also use this to moisturize his skin. If/when his diaper rash flares up, we use the triple paste until it’s gone.
BABY CLOTHES
FUCK SNAPS!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously fuck snaps. Any full body outfit that snaps all the way down or around the legs is garbage. Do you want to try to line up 25 snaps at 3am in the dark when you haven’t slept more than an hour and a half consecutively for a week? No, you don’t. All zippers, all the time.
Also, pro tip: if you are a paranoid person (a.k.a. a parent) and sometimes need to confirm that they are in fact ok by watching them breathe in their sleep, it's way easier to see their chest/belly rise and fall in the dark if they're wearing a patterned pajama than is it with a solid colored one.
Zutano slippers: these are the only things that stay on baby feet. They seem expensive, but you just need 1 pair per size (just start with the 0-3month ones and if you like them you could get bigger ones later), and literally zero baby socks. Don’t bother with the socks, they fall off every 10 minutes. They’re adorable but pointless. There's also knock off versions on Amazon
No clothing sizes are consistent, not even within the same brand. It is very confusing. River was simultaneously wearing size newborn and 6-9month Gerber onesies at one point. Like, they shouldn’t both fit.
Swaddles: we got these, but he busts out of them easily because they’re just a touch too big. We also had a few hand me down Halo swaddles that didn't quite fit right so we didn't use them. Someone gave us a used “Ziggy Baby” one and we used it every night. It's definitely nice to have more than one of whatever works for you because they will barf on it overnight and get the neck all wet :)
Sleep sack: At about 12 weeks, River started busting out of the Ziggy Baby swaddle velcro and woke up with the whole thing bunched around his neck one morning, so we immediately ditched it. Now he sleeps in a Woolino sleep sack that a friend highly recommended to us. It fits them from 2 months to 2 years, which helps make the cost more palatable. Definitely a good registry item. It's heavy enough to kind of weigh him down in place but breathable enough that I don't worry about him overheating. So far we really like it. We're also lucky that we didn't have to do any kind of transitioning out of the swaddle, we just cold-turkey stopped and it only made him wake up maybe 1 extra time per night (2-3x instead of 1-2x) for a few nights before he adjusted.
BABY CARRIERS
Baby Bjorn carrier: a friend loaned us one. Easy to wear and comfortable. I like that it does a good job of keeping him straight upright. I'm not sure if this is the exact one because I think the one we're using is a bit older, but it looks most like this one.
Boba wrap: half the time, River screams when I try putting him in this. When he isn’t screaming, he slumps over fairly easily. I haven’t given up on it, but it’s not my top choice It’s hard to know when you’re wrapping it around yourself if you’re doing it right enough before the baby goes in, and then once they’re in it’s kind of hard/too late to tighten so you have to take them all the way out and readjust and then put them back in. If I used it regularly that might not be a problem. Once he has more core strength and can face outwards I think this might be better.
Baby K-tan: also got as a hand me down. I can’t figure this one out despite watching all the how to videos. River definitely hates this one the most. We’ve never successfully gotten into it.
Ergo Omni360: We just ordered this because it was on sale and are waiting for it to arrive. I am psyched about the ability to carry River on my back because when I wear him in the Baby Bjorn around the house to do stuff, I can't really bend forward without also having to support his head from flopping back, which means I can't do any forward-leaning things that require 2 hands (not something I had ever previously considered).
BATHROOM STUFF
Get a Squatty Potty if you don't already have one. Makes pooping more comfortable, decreases risk of hemorrhoids. Also useful for laboring at home, according to my doula.
I also highly recommend a bidet attachment for your toilet. We got one with a heated seat. It feels luxurious, you use less toilet paper, and also I would imagine that after a vaginal birth, it would take the place of using a peri bottle and the water is warm. So so so so so nice. Expensive, yes, but treat yo self.
OTHER BABY ACCESSORIES
Leachco pillow: nice thing to plop them on as a holding pen when they’re small. I think Boppy also makes a pillow like this.
Pack n play: we got this one because we thought we’d absolutely need the nappechanging attachment. We have used the attachment zero times. Also, babies puke a ton and there’s no removable cover for the pad so it gets kinda gross. We’re gonna use this as our crib once he’s out of the bassinet and then probably go straight to a bed. It is nice right now to have a second safe sleep location that can be in another room though so a pack n play in general is nice to have.
Bassinet: we’re using this one. It can attach to the bed so it’s more of a cosleeper, but then I’m not sure how I’d get out of bed, so we leave it unattached. Still like it even if we aren’t using the cosleep feature. It has wheels which is nice.
My last recommendation is that you take all the free stuff people want to give you. Even if you think you don’t need it or you already got one or you won’t use it, take it. I got two baby bouncers and it’s so nice to have one upstairs and one down even though at first I thought it was overkill. All 3 baby carriers I’ve tried were hand me downs and I’m glad we didn’t have to do a trial and error to find the one that works for us. You will go through 100,000 clothes so take them all (unless they have FUCKING SNAPS!!!!! AHHH!!!! (although actually, even then, take them. Just don't buy new clothes with snaps)) because it just allows you to go longer without doing laundry. I had two friends give me stuff (one had twins so it was kind of like getting extra haha), plus a woman at work. We were even walking around the block with River one day and someone was outside their house, saw us, and was like, “do you want baby clothes? I will leave them out on my porch for you,” and we took them and they are great. Take it all!!
BABY SKIN STUFF
River has dry, sensitive skin. I'm copy/pasting the advice and products our pediatric dermatologist sent to us (sorry, no links in this section, mama is tired). Basically, we don't use soap, and we slather him with Aquaphor baby ointment 2x/day. Here's the doctor's list:
GENTLE SKIN CARE RECOMMENDATIONS FOR BABIES
Bathing:

Frequency is up to you. I'm okay with daily or every other day.
Keep it short: 5-10 minutes.
Temperature: medium warm.
It's okay to use no soap.
If dirty wash only dirty areas like the folds of the skin and the diaper area
If you think soap is needed then use an unscented soap designed for eczema or sensitive skin like: CeraVe baby wash and shampoo

Aveeno baby cleansing therapy moisturizing wash
Cetaphil baby eczema calming wash
CeraVe Eczema Soothing Body Wash
Vanicream gentle body wash
Burt's Bees baby bee wash and shampoo (make sure it is the fragrance free one)

Pat (don't rub) the skin dry with a soft towel.

Medicines:

If using medicines apply them to active areas right after bathing onto damp skin.

Moisturizer:

Thicker is better.
Look for moisturizer that comes in a tube or a tub. If there is a pump on the bottle it is probably not thick enough
Apply to the skin after medicines at least 2 times per day. More often is okay.
Recommended products:

Vaseline (but avoid Baby Vaseline because it has fragrance)
CeraVe healing ointment
Aquaphor (baby or regular is okay)
Aveeno baby eczema therapy cream
Aveeno baby eczema therapy balm
Eucerin eczema relief body cream
Eucerin baby cream
Eucerin original healing cream
CeraVe cream
CeraVe heal and protect balm
Laundry:

Use fragrance free, mild laundry detergents such as Arm and Hammer, All Free liquid, Kirkland fragrance free liquid, Cheer Free liquid, Seventh Generation, Dreft (check to be sure it says Fragrance Free)
Avoid fabric softener or sheets in the dryer.

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