TNT Championship Match: Darby Allin Vs. Joey Janela
Darby Allin
No
Cody / Lee Johnson Vs. Pretty Peter Avalon / Cezar Bononi
Cody/Lee
No
PAC Vs. Ryan Nemeth
PAC
No
MJF / Jericho Vs. The Acclaimed
MJF/Jericho
No
Women's Eliminator Tournament: Thunder Rosa Vs. Leyla Hirsch
Thunder Rosa
No
No DQ/Unsanctioned: Kenny Omega / KENTA Vs. Jon Moxley / Lance Archer
Omega/KENTA
Yes
Future Announced Matches
IMPACT No Surrender (2/13)
IMPACT Tag Team Title Match: Private Party Vs. The Good Brothers Vs. Storm / Sabin
////
Choco Pro 89 (2/13)
Hikaru Shida will be the special referee in a match with Emi Sakura / Veny Vs. Mei Suruga / Baliyan Akki. Will have anything of note regarding AEW or Women's Elim. Tourney next week if anything occurs.
Hardy Party shows up in the Impact main event as they said they would do on BTE this week. They hang out on the ramp until Sabin and Storm nearly get the win, then they rush the ring to DQ the match on purpose. As a result the Good Brothers retain. Afterwards Matt is backstage with Private Party telling them how proud he is of them. He says he wants those belts by any means necessary. Scott shows up and he thanks Matt, but says Private Party crossed a line and ruined the main event. How is he supposed to keep Storm and Sabin from interfering in an act of revenge? Well, he has a great idea! It's now a three way! So now it's Private Party Vs. Sabin/Storm Vs. Good Brothers.
At Dynamite
Moxley says KENTA has been calling him out constantly. He says it's no surprise KENTA showed up, because he realizes the time for cheap talk is over. If he wants the NJPW belt he has to do the work. A war of attrition... on 2/26. But that match is sanctioned. Tonight, no. "Tonight is just for fun," he says.
Sammy heads to the Inner Circle dressing room and makes everyone else bail so he can talk to MJF. The team is hesitant but leaves (even Wardlow). Sammy says he watched the show last week, he knows what MJF is doing. He says he knows MJF is trying to do a power play. MJF says he thought that Sammy was initially just jealous because MJF was getting attention from Jericho. But he realized this is more sinister. He thinks Sammy hates Jericho. That Sammy thinks he should be the frontman. MJF thinks sammy wants to be the head of IC. Sammy says "Yeah, sure, that's what I wanted." MJF recorded him on his phone (or so it seemed) and Sammy smashes the phone and puts MJF down.
Tony Schiavone comes to the ring to talk to Lee Johnson after his first win after losing to half the roster on Dark. Lee says he wishes he had a world of words for him but he just doesn't. 0-29 he says. "They showed me that if you do the work it always goddamn pays off... They did this for me," he says.
The Young bucks are being interviewed about their loss in the battle royal. The Bucks say well, let's ask them, as the Good Brothers show up. Good Brothers said they have heat with "Private Sharty", not you guys! Our bad! The Bucks accept this terrible apology. The Bucks say, actually, let's have a title match next week! With Santana and Ortiz! The segment ends.
Dasha is with Hangman. She says will you be teaming with Matt again? Matt interrupts immediately. Matt says hey, we have something special!! Let's celebrate! Drink all you want, drinks on me! He knows the way to Adams heart. Adam leaves but then runs into Dark Order. They have an awkward ex moment.
Miro Kip and Penelope are here talking about their wedding fiasco. He calls Chuck Taylor a gutless bastard for what he did. Miro says it's not Charles' fault, it's Orange Cassidy. Miro is going to put them in the hospital with their friend Trent. We cut to the Best Friends. They're chilling with some champagne. "What did they think was gonna happen" OC says.
Dasha is with IC, asking where their missing members are. Jericho says there's no issue. MJF shows up wrapped up in tape looking like DDP for half of the late nineties. He says he thinks Sammy broke his ribs. Jericho asks where Sammy is but their music plays and the match must go on.
Sammy comes out after the MJF/Jericho match with a mic and something is in the air. Jericho says what's the deal? Sammy says "I told you, December 9th, 2020, right on Dynamite, if one more thing happened with MJF I was done. So I'm here to tell you, I'm done." Sammy says he quits the Inner Circle. He drops the mic and he heads out. Jericho tries to stop him but he pushes him away. He leaves through the face tunnel.
The Unchainable MARVEZ is summoned outside the stadium by the threat of a juicy interview. He asks Sammy why he's left? Sammy says he needs time to think and focus away from AEW. He leaves.
Matt Hardy and Adam Page are drinking. Matt says he's still buzzing from their win! Matt is a slimy carny bastard and he isn't actually drinking but Adam is wasted. Suddenly Matt is producing paperwork and trying to get him to sign some stuff to be in his group. Adam SWITCHES THE PAPERWORK while Matt is distracted by being a slimy carny bastard and signs his own contract, which he gets Matt to sign. Adam is having a fucking blast as Matt runs off unaware he may have signed his life away.
Tony Schiavone is with Sting... again... What's on your mind Sting, Tony asks. It's interrupted as tradition mandates by Taz who says they're taking his friend to "FTW World"( Fuck the world world?). They have Darby in a bodybag. They have it tied to their SUV and they drag him away. Sting leaves the arena in quote unquote "hot pursuit".
The Ceaseless MARVEZ is with Kenny at the golf course. Kenny tells him to shut the fuck up while he gets out of this sandtrap. Marvez asks Kenny why he's golfing when you have a big main event tonight with maybe 3 guys who hate you. Kenny says, dude, we're talking about wrestling right? (As he is saying this Callis is dropping Kenny's ball into the cup) Am I supposed to be studying? I'm already the best! He says he won't lose or miss. Kenny gives Marvez his golf ball but Don says "All he's gonna do is sell it on his MySpace page".
We get a short promo from Thunder Rosa. She says she has a few pieces of business in AEW. She wants to win the tournament, beat Shida, get her NWA title back from Deeb, and kick Bakers big nose in.
Tony is with Jungle Boy backstage. Marko is apparently okay and safe. But Jungle Boy wanted to address FTR. He says Dax slapped him so hard he nearly quit. But he won. He came out of that match a different man. He says he didn't "TELL ON HIM", he wants to make Dax his bitch.
Post-Show Poll Results
1/27 Results
Overall Rating: 4.07
Best Match: Jungle Boy Vs. Dax Harwood (72.3%)
Worst Match: Britt Baker Vs. Shanna (33.2%)
Wrestler of the Week: 1st: Jungle Boy (57.9%) 2nd: John Silver (12.3%) 3rd: Dax Harwood (8.1%)
See the full archive of post-show polls here Hacksaw Jim Duggan Buries All Elite Wrestling With a wrestling career that's lasted more than 40 years, Jim Duggan's power level is beyond comprehension. If he hasn't beaten an AEW wrestler directly, he's beaten them through a few degrees of separation. Could Hacksaw Jim Duggan defeat KENTA?
I didn’t even know I had an older brother until he showed up outside my school that afternoon. It was two years ago. I was a sophomore, my little sister Paige was a freshman. The original plan that day was to hitch a ride to a friend’s house, where we’d probably team up and knock out our homework as quickly as possible. That plan changed when we exited the building and someone called my name. “Parker! Hey, Parker!” My attention was immediately grabbed and I glanced around for anyone familiar. All I saw was a guy in his late twenties, leaning against a fancy car parked on the street. He smiled and waved me over. “Parker, over here!” Double checking to make sure there were no more Parkers in the immediate range, I decided to at least meander over. Paige was practically clinging to my backpack as we walked over, she was a little shy and I was expecting any second for this stranger to look away and find that other mystery Parker. But he didn’t. He lit up and looked right into my eyes as we walked up to him. “Wow. Parker. You’re gonna get taller than me, aren’t you?” I frowned and made sure to take a side step in front of Paige, just to put myself between this stranger and my sister. “Can I help you?” I asked. He looked a bit sad for a moment, before he sighed and nodded. “Yeah, I guess you wouldn’t remember me. You were only two and Paige here,” He stood on tiptoe to look at Paige, “She was just a lil baby.” I must’ve looked super confused, because Paul reached for his wallet and pulled out a photograph. “I’m Paul. I’m your brother,” He said, handing me the photo. It was so jarring. There was my mom and dad, I was standing in front of Dad with a big old smile on my little toddler face, Mom was holding Paige, and there was a boy standing between my parents, about thirteen or fourteen years old, with the same blond hair that both me and Paige had and a grin on his freckled face. I’d never seen this photo before. But it was real and in my face and impossible to deny. I looked back up at Paul, who was back to smiling. His freckles had faded away with age, his teeth were straighter and whiter, but he still had the same goofy smile. And I could just about tell we had the same shape of our eyes, the same ears that stick out just a bit… the resemblance was uncanny. Paul reached out and clapped his hand on my shoulder. “We have a lot to talk about. Come on, you like McDonald’s?” Paige cleared her throat. “We should- we should probably just go home, mom and dad-” “They’re gonna be at work until what, five? Six?” Paul glanced over my shoulder to look at my, well, our apprehensive little sister. “If they're still the workaholics I remember, they’ll not be home for hours. We’ll only be a bit. I just wanna catch up. I’ll buy?” I should’ve known better. So should’ve Paige. But even if we did, we still got into the backseat of Paul’s car, and he drove us to the McDonald’s a few blocks away. Lunch that day had been pretty garbage, so getting a McDonald’s treat was more than welcome. Paige tried to decline, saying she wasn’t that hungry, but he ordered her an Oreo flurry and like magic her appetite came back. As we sat in a booth, I stopped inhaling my burger for a moment to confront that elephant in the room. “Why didn’t mom and dad ever tell us about you?” Paul was not at all surprised by the question, but he answered with one of his own. “You’re a good kid, aren’t you? Always home on time, straight A’s, chores done without a single complaint?” “I mean, I have a B in algebra-” I stopped myself before I nodded. “I guess so.” Paul glanced over at Paige. “You too?” He said. Paige also nodded and Paul sighed, nodding with understanding. “Yeah, that’s about right. Nothing wrong with that, but I was a bit more… high maintenance.” I pushed my fries away and leaned forward to listen. Paige, despite her apprehension, was looking with just as much interest as I was. “I guess you can say I had issues? I mean, I was fourteen, but I was already getting myself into heaps of trouble.” Paul drummed his fingers on the table. “My grades were awful, got into fights at school, I’d sneak out at night… I mean, once I got out of there, I figured out I wasn’t like most kids. I couldn’t be parented like most kids. But one day Mom and Dad just… sent me away.” Paige gasped quietly, her eyes going wide. “They sent you away? Where?” She asked. “Tennessee, friend of dad lived down there. They took a weekend trip and dropped me off at the door with a suitcase and a note.” Paul shrugged. “I don’t blame them, I mean, I was a holy terror. But man, it does sting a bit that they never even mentioned me to you guys. I’m still family… or at least, I thought I was.” A wave of sadness and disgust washed over me. Sad that I’d never gotten to know about Paul, disgust that our parents just gave up on him like that. Most fourteen year olds go through phases of being difficult, right? It sounded like he just needed some therapy, some freakin’ support, and our parents just made him someone else’s problem and erased him from our lives. Paige finally lowered her defenses, reaching across the table and resting her hand on his. “I’m sorry, Paul,” She said. Paul smiled, reaching across the table to ruffle her hair. “Not your fault. Not yours either, Parker. You were just babies, after all. But hey, I’m here now. Let’s make up for lost time. Don’t waste food, but if you want anything else, let me know. And feel free to ask me literally anything you want. I got nothing to hide.” I didn’t want anything else, but Paige did get an order of chicken nuggets. We munched and got to know our older brother. After Paul left the house he was dumped at, he had traveled all over the states. He ‘didn’t want to go home without showing he was worth something’, he said. He’s worked all sorts of jobs, waiter, mechanic, janitor, but it was his most recent job as a manager at a small store that he ran into his girlfriend… well, ‘girlfriend’. “Do you guys know what a sugar mama is?” Paige nearly choked as Paul handed us his phone, a picture of himself and a woman that was probably in her early sixties. Sure, she was pretty okay looking for her age, but damn, she was without a doubt older than our mother. “That’s Elaine,” He said, pointing at the woman. “Elaine lost her husband a few years before we met, lung cancer. She just wants some company, specifically, she wants cute company.” He poked himself on the cheek. “And I happen to be adorable.” I couldn’t stop from laughing as I picked up the phone to get a better look. “Dude, our parents would kill you,” I said. “Listen, in life, you’re up to your ears in debt until you die, you start off rich, or you marry into the good life. I mean, Elaine and I aren’t married,” He laughed at the thought of that, “But I can do whatever I want and she won’t care, long as I’m home every now and then and ready for some… snuggles,” He gave a pointed look at Paige, who scowled at the innuendo, but I just cracked up. True to his word, Paul did get us home before our parents, but once we all got out of the car he tossed the keys to me. “Registration’s in the glove box, she’s paid off and only got a few hundred miles on her. You have your driver’s license, right?” I was too stunned to do anything but nod. “Then you’re set. Think of it as the present for all the birthdays I missed. See you soon, guys.” With that, Paul just walked off in the direction of the nearest bus stop. Course, our parents had quite a few questions when they came home and all of them revolved around the car in our driveway that was easily worth over fifty grand. I just waited for them to get out all their questions at once before I looked at Paige, who crossed her arms and said what they needed to hear. “Paul came to visit.” Their faces were enough to confirm once and for all that Paul was our brother. Mom’s face went white and Dad staggered back, falling into his chair to probably avoid fainting. Mom took a seat on the couch, taking several deep breaths. “He found us?” She asked. “Found us?” I repeated, that earlier disgust starting to boil up into rage. “We moved after…” My mom swallowed, “You’re all right? He didn’t hurt you?” “Hurt us?!” I snapped. “Are you kidding me? Why- why did you never tell us about him!? He’s our brother!” My dad cleared his throat. “Half brother, actually,” he stared at our mother, who just looked at her hands, “And you need to tell him to take the car back. When he comes back, give him back the damn car.” I scoffed. “No way. You can’t afford to get me a car, if you want it gone I’ll just sell it and save the money for college,” I said. “Why didn’t you ever mention Paul?” Mom’s head was bowed in shame. “Paige, Parker, Paul isn’t- Paul’s not right-” I didn’t want to hear it. I just stormed out of the room, Paige right behind me. We’d heard all we needed to. Our parents abandoned a kid just because he ‘wasn’t good enough’. And Paul was actually not so bad now… least, we thought so, anyway. Paul showed up again the next day, at school, not at home. This time he took us to his condo, which was just as nice as you’d expect from a man just giving away luxury cars. We had a Skype call with his ‘girlfriend’, and Elaine really was nice, if not a little eccentric. “If you’re Paul’s family, you’re mine,” She laughed quietly, “So if you need anything, and I mean anything, just call me. I’ll help you however I can.” After the call, we ordered pizza and just spent the whole afternoon chilling out, playing video games and just getting to know Paul. He was competitive but never a bad winner, just giving tips about how we could improve. He gifted Paige a brand new laptop, perfect for homework and for playing video games. ‘I’ll get you your own car when you get your license,’ He promised, ruffling her hair and then asking if what movie we wanted to watch. When Paul dropped us off late that night, he didn’t come into the house, but he did wave at our parents waiting at our front porch. My mom just looked ready to die of embarrassment while my dad… I guess he looked so stern to hide any fear he had. We didn’t talk to them, we just went inside to do our homework. It went like that for a few weeks. Mom and dad would tell us to stop hanging out with Paul, but since he was always outside school at the end of the day, we just hopped in his car and took off for another fun afternoon. Mini golf, arcades, wherever we wanted to go he’d just plug it into his GPS and we’d spend an afternoon having fun. We even spent a whole Saturday at Six Flags, Paul had us take an overpriced picture and put it in an even more overpriced frame as his souvenir. I got a t-shirt, Paige got a stuffed animal that was almost as big as she was. Meanwhile, our parents were clearly upset, but we barely talked with them. I had resolved that I hated them both for cutting Paul out of our lives and I was going to do the same to them when I turned eighteen. God, the fact they moved after they left him to be someone else’s problem so he couldn’t find them? It pissed me off. Paige too, her theory was that Dad gave up on him so quick because ‘Paul’s not his kid’. It was so tense at home I wanted to spend even more time with Paul, just to escape all that. One of the final things we did was go out to a movie. By then we were all best friends, Paul, Paige, and I. We had so many expensive gifts, so many fun memories, we weren’t even a little bit afraid of him. We’d all gotten all the snacks we could carry from the concession stand and settled in to our seats when a handful of popcorn smacked into the back of my head. I turned around and internally groaned to see some unfortunately familiar faces. Paul glanced over to see the popcorn sticking out of my hair. “What the-” More popcorn flew through the air, followed by some pointed snickering and loud whispering. “Ignore them,” I said, pinching the bridge of my nose, “They’re just some jerks from school.” Paul’s eyes widened. “You’re getting bullied?” He asked quietly. “I wouldn’t call it that, especially since Evan is the principal’s son,” I glanced back at the group and glared at the middle one, who only proceeded to laugh and throw more popcorn, “But they mess with me sometimes. It’s fine, they’ll get bored sooner or later.” I’d gotten a thicker skin from this sort of thing, I was already one of the tallest of my class but I was also the quiet guy who didn’t stick up for himself, so I was an easy target. Paul turned around and I swear it was the first time I saw that carefully placed mask on his face slip. The look in his eyes screamed murder. “Fuck off,” He growled at the group behind us. Evan mockingly ‘ooh’d’. “Whatcha gonna do about it?” He asked, smirking like he knew he was untouchable. Paul responded by getting up and starting to walk back the few rows where Evan and his goon squad were sitting. I don’t know what they saw, but I think Evan realized that Paul wasn’t just going to sit and take it like I was. He threw up his hands and repeatedly whispered apologies. Paul stopped at their row and leaned in close to the boys that looked ready to shit themselves. He whispered something I didn’t hear, and I think Evan did actually piss his pants a little. Paul straightened up, I heard him mutter ‘enjoy the movie’, and then he returned to his seat. Back to being fun big brother Paul, just like that. At least I wasn’t getting popcorn thrown at my head anymore, so I brushed aside any concerns I had. That night when Paul dropped us off, he didn’t stick around long. He said he needed to call Elaine, she had left him a voicemail earlier about how much she ‘missed him’, and frankly that’s all I wanted to hear. Ew. This time, my parents were waiting in the living room, together. They’d been going at it like cats and dogs for a week now, constantly having whispered arguments and I think my mom was sleeping on the couch. “Your mother has something she wants to say,” Dad said. Mom just stared at her shoes for several painfully long moments before Dad added, “Or I’ll say it, and I won’t be as nice.” Paige scowled. “What?” “You need to know the truth about Paul… so please, sit down,” Mom said, her voice barely above a mutter. I did take a seat across from them, but I probably looked as interested as I did during Algebra. “What?” Mom looked like a woman defeated. “Like… like your father said, Paul is your half brother, but that’s not the whole story.” She swallowed before she sat up straight and finally told us that whole story. “I met him at camp. I was a counselor. Your father and I were on a break,” She glared at him, while he just quietly scoffed, “After he’d cheated on me with his tutor at college. So I was bitter. I was alone. I was… empty. But Paul’s father, he was charming? Different, but charming. After camp that year, I realized I was pregnant. Paul’s father, we- we couldn’t be together, so I just went back to your father, and I let him think that Paul was his… until Paul was born, anyway. It was impossible to hide that.” Dad shuddered. “You gave birth to a monster, Andrea.” “What the hell is wrong with you!?” Paige blurted out. “Just because he’s not yours-” “I wasn’t. Being. Metaphorical.” Dad glowered at Mom, who seemed incredibly focused on the wall rather than any of us. “Tell them, Andrea.” Mom’s eyes welled up. “… Paul… Paul was born a few weeks early, and he came so fast we didn’t even have time to pack up for the hospital. And when he did, he… he wasn’t right. I can’t even describe- it’s something you’d have to see to understand.” “Paul looks fine to me,” I said. “Because he wants you to see him like that,” Mom rubbed the back of her neck, “He can do that. Within minutes he looked like every newborn baby boy. I would’ve blamed it all on the pain and hysteria if your dad didn’t see it too. And sometimes, he’d look like… that, again, if it was only me in the room.” Paige and I probably looked equally confused. “Mom, you’re not making any sense,” She said. “I know,” Mom nodded before she looked at me. “The scar on your stomach, Parker. Shaped like a triangle. Is it still there?” I hauled my shirt up to show it off. It had faded over the years, but it was still visible. “From the time I fell?” I said. “That’s not how you got it.” Mom shook. For the first time in weeks, I stopped being angry at her and was now genuinely worried. “Paul was- he was mostly like any other child until you two came along. He was a good boy. But he changed. He changed and I was afraid, terrified, to leave him alone with you. The one time I did… oh my god… I can’t, I can’t…” Mom broke down in tears, burying her face in her hands. Dad finally interjected. “He was acting up beforehand, but your mom was taking a nap in the room over. I came home from work early and I found Paul in your room. You were just laying there, eyes glazed over, and he had his mouth on you.” I nearly threw up. “What?” I had to have him repeat it. “I thought he was just being a sicko and ripped him off, but it- Parker, you were bleeding real bad,” Dad shook his head, “You only started crying when his teeth were out of you. I looked at the scar again. My head was swimming, I couldn’t breathe. “He bit me?” I asked. “He was trying to eat you.” When my dad started to shake, it was with pure rage. “I nearly lost it. He wasn’t even sorry, Parker. He was just mad I interrupted his snack.” Paige looked so white she looked ready to faint. “That doesn’t look like a bite mark,” She managed to get out. “He bit him with his real mouth.” My dad managed to get himself back under control after a deep breath. “What you’ve all been seeing, it’s not really Paul. He’s not human, because his father wasn’t. I couldn’t let him be in the house anymore. I began doing research, and I found someone-” “I thought you shipped him off to a friend,” I interrupted. “Not exactly.” Dad finally looked a little ashamed. “I found out more about Paul, and what he could be. And I found someone who could handle him, teach him to get his hunger under control. But Paul ran away from there after a few months. We’d already moved, but I didn’t sleep through the night for years because I was afraid he’d be back to finish what he’d started.” I leaned forward, trying to wrap my head around this. “How is he not human?” I shook my head. “This can’t be real.” “It is real,” My mom sat back up, wiping away some of her tears, “I never wanted to give Paul up but- he would have killed one or both of you. We didn’t have a choice.” After the room stopped swimming, I got up. “I need to be alone.” I went into my room and laid in bed for hours, just staring at the ceiling. I knew what I had to do, but I had to wait for everyone in the house to be fast asleep. Even Paige. Even if she was a part of this, I had to do this on my own. My alarm clock read 12:13 when I finally got up. If my parents heard me start the car, they wouldn’t have been out of bed before I was zipping down the road towards Paul’s apartment. I probably broke the speed limit but I didn’t want to wait. If my parents were telling a lie that was that out there, I needed to let Paul know they’d freaking lost their minds. Paul’s apartment lights were on, and by then I knew where he kept the spare key, so I let myself inside. It was quiet, but I figured he’d just drifted off to sleep on the couch while binging Netflix. He wasn’t on the couch though. I walked through the apartment, trying to hear him snoring or something. As I pressed further into the apartment, I didn’t hear snoring. I heard this wet, squishy sound like someone was wading through knee deep molasses, and it only got louder as I headed for the spare bedroom. He’d used it for storage, he told us, so I never bothered to check it out. The door was cracked just an inch, and despite my better instincts, I pushed it open. What I saw… god. What I saw. I still can’t believe it, even though it’s been years, I can’t believe it. I barely recognized the two corpses hanging by their ankles from the ceiling. Both were stripped of their clothes, completely drained of blood and their torsos ripped open, their bodies empty except for some bits of flesh and bones. The third body was still twitching a bit, and still had some color in the face, but it still took a second for me to place him as Evan. I’d never seen Evan so… blank. There was nothing going on behind those empty eyes. And the thing next to him… I don’t even want to describe it. It was humanoid, but barely so. It had two legs but only one arm, its gut stretched out so far it looked ready to topple over. Its skin was baggy and all mottled blue and green, and its arm was shrunken, curled in towards its body like a claw. Its head was pressed up against Evan’s gut, teeth set into his skin as it continued to suck blood and whatever else fluids it could get. I saw its sharp tongue stab into his gut and Evan gasped before his eyes rolled back and shut. His body caved in like the monster was draining a capri sun, liquefied guts spilled into the creature’s mouth and some dripping down its chin. It finally pulled off when Evan was hollowed out. It turned in my direction, his triangular mouth filled with rows and rows of spines that never seemed to end. Its tiny eyes blinked, and so did I… and then there was Paul, standing in front of me, looking entirely normal except for being soaked head to toe in blood. “Parker?” He said, so softly, sounding so surprised. It jerked me out of my shock. I slammed the door and ran for it. I barely got to the living room before the back of my shirt was grabbed, sending me flying onto my ass. “Parker, dammit, wait a second!” I looked up, expecting to see that thing instead of my brother. But it was Paul, out of breath and looking like a genuine serial killer. “Christ, you know how hard it is to run just after you’ve had a big meal?” I thought I was going to die. I wanted to beg for my life, remind him he was my brother, that he didn’t have to hurt me. But I didn’t have to say any of these things. Paul crouched down next to me, brushing his red stained hand against my cheek. I flinched, something he didn’t miss judging by the hurt in his eyes. “I wanted to tell you. But then there’s just so much more to explain, and I just… I just didn’t know where to start. I just wanted to say sorry for what I almost did to you as a kid, so I figured, why not give you something? Something to show I didn’t want to hurt you?” I swallowed, telling my legs to crawl backwards and away from this blood soaked maniac but I couldn’t move. I was frozen. “What are you?” I asked. “My father’s child. A son of Beleven.” Paul shook his head, tears welling up in the eyes that looked just like mine. “I’m so sorry, Parker. Back then I was so, so hungry, all of the time. And I just couldn’t stop myself, I couldn’t. And those dickwads in there? The world’s better with a few bullies gone from it, and this way, I won’t lash out at someone else. Someone like you and Paige.” I shook my head. “You killed them…” I glanced to that room, where three classmates were still hanging like meat in a freezer, “You just killed them.” “I did,” Paul nodded and I think I saw what my father saw so many years ago, that apathy for human life. “I did, and I did it for you.” I finally ran. I finally got my stupid legs moving and I fled that apartment, and Paul didn’t try to stop me. When I got home, my parents were waiting for me on the front porch. I hadn’t brought my cellphone, stupid, I know. They thought I’d gotten myself killed. I just hid in my room. I didn’t tell them that I was sorry. That they were right all along. I didn’t think I needed to. Since then, my parents have divorced. I stay with Mom most of the time, Paige stays with dad. We don’t see each other except at school or during holidays when we sneak away from our respective guardian. It’s rough, but we get by. I’ve never told her entirely what I saw that night, only that our parents were right all along and that we needed to stay the hell away from Paul. I sold the car, Paige gave away the laptop. One by one, we got rid of his gifts. Paul’s just… gone. After Evan and two of his friends were reported missing, his apartment was vacated, he left without a word or a goodbye. The bodies were never found. I don’t know if Paul just ate the rest or dumped them somewhere where they can’t be found. I don’t know. The nightmares from that night are neverending, the images of Evan just hanging there, letting Paul drain the life out of him without a fight flash before my eyes. Needless to say, I’m a bit of an insomniac. Why has this all come up now? Well… because I got a welcome letter for a job I never applied for. Alongside the letter is that picture we took at Six Flags, with the words ‘I’m waiting for you’ written on the back. It wasn’t signed, but I have a feeling who applied for me and who’s the one waiting there. So I’ll be accepting the position. Next summer, it looks like I’m going to be a counselor at Camp Golden Oak.
Origional Post | Dr No (45/100) | From Russia With Love (58/100) Gooooooooooldfingeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrr. He's the man, the man with the miiiiiiiiiidas touch. And what a touch it was. Now I'm sure I don't need to explain to anybody reading this why this film is considered one of the classic Bond films. It might even be one of those films that transcends the Bond franchise entirely and is just considered a classic piece of cinema. It goes without saying that I have seen this film before, but not in a few years so my memory of it was hazy to say the least before diving in for this viewing. But now I have had this viewing I am ready to give you my opinions of this movie. As I've seen on some of my other posts that there have been some negative responses I just wanted to reiterate that these are all simply one guys opinion. I'm not here to trash anybody's favourite movies or cause any upset. I'm just a guy that loves Bond and wanted to look at the movies with a set criteria in mind. So please don't take offence if my opinion on certain aspects of the movies differs from yours. Lets discuss it in the comments! After all, we're all here for the same thing and that's the love of a movie franchise that has stood the test of time and is still releasing new movies *cough* No Time To Die please don't get delayed again *cough* almost 60 years after the first. Now that that is said, here are my rating for this movie.
Story - 9/10 - This story is something else entirely and feels like a real breakthrough movie for the Bond franchise. You only have to look at the box office figures to see how much people liked this movie and I believe a lot of that is down to the story. It is, without a doubt, the best story of the three that I have watched so far. I can't go through and tell you everything I liked about this story because that would just pretty much be me reading the book and saying "yeah, I liked that bit too" after every sentence. Instead I'll just mention a few main points that I thought we cool or interesting. Obviously we have the introduction of Q's workshop which is a place where over the years some of my favourite moments have happened ("Don't touch that. That's my lunch" springs to mind). The other obvious one is the laser scene and the final sequence at Fort Knox. And everything in between. I'm actually having a hard time writing this because I liked 95% of the story and don't want to go on about it too much. There were however one thing I didn't like about this story. The ending felt like a bit of a cop out. And by that I mean I just didn't believe that Bond would have had that much of an impact on Pussy Galore (so immature) to make her decide to completely go turncoat against Goldfinger. I feel as though they either needed to commit a bit more time do their romance or show her as a bit more of a conflicted character who doesn't quite know if what she is planning on doing with Goldfinger is the right thing to do. So it's not quite a perfect ten for story, but it's so close.
Gadgets - 10/10 - The gadgets and cars section in this movie could be put under one banner as the DB5 is pretty much one big gadget with wheels attached to it. It has everything. Revolving number plates, GPS dashboard, oil slick, smoke screen, tire slashers, rear bullet-proof screen, front wing machine guns and of course the famous ejector seat. I want one. I want one now. Please take everything I own and leave the keys on the side. But wait, that's not all! There was also an industrial laser that can seemingly cut through anything, a kick ass plane and a rotating pool table! I honestly feel like I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I gave anything less than a 10.
Cars - 10/10 - Well of course I'm giving a 10 for cars as well. Not only were we treated to possibly the most iconic Bond vehicle of all time in this movie, there is also Goldfingers Rolls Royce Phantom III to talk about. This car is just simply stunning and also has the added feature of being made up of around 50% solid gold! What's not to love! Also, shoutout to Tilly Masterson's Ford Mustang Convertible, such a beautiful vehicle.
Villain - 10/10 - The best phrase I can find to describe Goldfinger is absolutely bat***t crazy. And that's what makes him such a great villain. He has no regard for people that get in his way and although we never see him throwing any punches we know that he is more than capable of handling himself. He also exudes authority and evil intent flavoured with a certain amount of charm and finesse. Gert Fröbe did such a fantastic job bringing this character to life and I feel a little bit of sadness that we didn't get to see him later down the line involved in the SPECTRE storyline. I mean, we all just assume he died when he fell from that aeroplane but you never know. Maybe he's still out there somewhere chasing the gold that he loves so much.
Henchmen - 9/10 - Is there a more iconic henchman? If there is then I honestly can't think of them. Maybe Jaws comes close but for me it will always be Oddjob. The silent and innocent looking manservant of Goldfinger with impeccable taste in hats and suits is not one to be messed with as we are shown relatively early on in the movie. From him slicing the head off a statue at Goldfinger's country club to him crushing a fricken' golf ball with his bare hands, we know that his is going to be a formidable opponent for Bond when they inevitably clash later in the movie. I also actually quite like the fact that he is mostly silent throughout the film. His actions do his talking for him and he doesn't need any form of dialogue to accompany that. I also have to mention the fantastic final fight scene between him and Bond as I thought this entire sequence was fantastic. And who doesn't love a slightly over the top death. My only issue with this character is that I felt it might have played into racial stereotypes of the day. While you could try and defend that by saying that it was of its time, I still feel like looking back on it and judging by todays standards it can make for uncomfortable viewing.
Secret Lair - 4/10 - While we were treated to a few nice locations in this film there wasn’t much in the way of a secret lair. I liked the big workshop in Switzerland that we saw but I don’t think it was a Secret Lair as such. The closest we got to one in this movie was the ranch in America that we saw towards the end of the film which, while cool (I especially liked the revolving snooker table), will not go down in the Secret Lair “Hall of Fame”. However, I will give a few points for the fact that it had it's own built in jail and the ability to release poisonous gas.
Fight Scenes - 10/10 - This film featured, in my opinion, some of the most iconic fight scenes in the entire Bond history. The first, of course, is the final fight scene with Oddjob. There are so many things that are good about this scene. The stakes are set and the coundown clock adds tension along with the lack of music throughout the majority of the fight which I thought was a really subtle but powerful decision. It also featured a really great death for Oddjob who was, in turn, a really great henchman and a genuine threat to Bond throughout this fight. The second is the ejector seat scene. While this isn't strictly a fight scene in the sense that there isn't much fisticuffs involved, I'll still throw it in here as it feels like it fits under the boarder "Action Scene" bracket. The whole chase was really exciting and had a great ending with Bond smashing into the side of a building and getting captured. And finally I must mention Goldfingers death. While there isn't much of a fight here (more of a scuffle really), it does lead to Goldfingers untimely death. And although him shooting out of the plane window might be somewhat diminished by todays CGI, I can still imagine that this was a really impressive ending when being viewed for the first time in 1964.
Bond Girls - 6/10 - I did really like Pussy Galore (so immature) as a Bond Girl. She was classy, beautiful, accomplished and not shy of saying what she thinks. My one big issue with her is that she seemed a bit one dimensional, and by that I am referring to her decision to switch the poisonous gas out for a harmless alternative. I understand that she was seduced by Bond but I just feel that the seducing wasn't really shown in any meaningful way to the audience, except a rather uncomfortable scene in a barn. I feel as though her decision would have felt like it made a bit more sense if the story between Bond and her would have been given a little bit more screen time to make it more believable.
Iconic Moments - 10/10 - Obviously this movie is littered with iconic moment, most of which I have already listed above so I won't repeat myself.
Bonus - 10/10 - I have to give this maximum marks for bonus points as well. There were so many brilliant things about this movie, from the story and villain to the soundtrack and locations used.
Overall I really do feel like this is one of the most important movies in the Bond franchise. Not only is it a fantastic movie by itself but it also propels Bond to a new level of fame and success that it previously hadn't seen and starts of a run of some of the best movies in the entire franchise. Total - 88/100
15k Hyatt points to stay at the new luxury Park Hyatt Aviara Resort (near San Diego)
This is a newly renovated Park Hyatt resort, and it definitely lives up to the name of Park Hyatt. We stayed there for 2 nights with a total of 30k Hyatt points, which is really a steal. Please watch ouryoutube video for more details of the resort. Some brief summary of the youtube video: Park Hyatt Aviara Resort is a luxury 5 star resort in Carlsbad, California. It’s around 30 minutes drive from downtown San Diego and 10 minutes drive from Legoland. This newly reimagined Park Hyatt Resort just reopened its door in Oct 2020 after an extensive $50M renovation. This resort reminds us of the luxurious beach resorts in south east Asia. It’s a rare paradise in Southern California. This full tour view will walk you through the lobby, guestroom, restaurant, courtyard, pools, golf course, trail, and more. The 15k deal will end by the end of Feb 2021 This resort is a category 5 hotel now which normally requires 20k/nights. But there is this 25% points rebate which would end by the end of Feb. This will also make the parking fee(~$50) to be waived. Also by using points for booking, you will have the resort fee(~$50) waived. Additionally, I guess due to its recent renovation, this resort will be upgraded to category 6 starting March 2021(link). So it’s your best chance now to enjoy this luxury resort with only 15k points! Please do put health first and ensure social distancing while traveling! Hope the pandemic will be over soon and travel will recover to normal!
This is a repost from this time last year but I have some more info I'd like to share with you all. I want to spread some hope, especially in these times. It might be a bit muddled because I've taken bits from other things I've written and added extra bits in. It was 2017 and I had just finished university with a 1st in Business and Management and I won’t lie, I was feeling pretty good about myself. Everything seemed to be falling into place and I had the summer to enjoy myself – which I did. Fast forward to NovembeDecember 2017 and I had been feeling quite weird for a while, unexplainably weird. I could still do everything I needed to but it just felt like it required more effort than it should do. I went to the doctor, who suspected I had Glandular Fever (EBV/mono) and I had a blood test, but that came back negative. I was later put on two rounds of antibiotics for suspected sinusitis but that just seemed to make things worse. In December I also had a urine infection which needed more antibiotics. Meanwhile I was training at the gym 6 days a week and going out drinking on the weekends whilst simultaneously looking for a graduate job. To say I was burning the candle at both ends is probably an understatement, but despite feeling not quite right I was enjoying myself and my confidence was at an all-time high. I secured a commercial finance role at Siemens in early 2018 and went out to celebrate that night. The next morning I woke up with massive glands flaring up on either side of my neck and white bulbs of filth were growing on my tonsils. I went back to the doctor and had another EBV test which was positive this time. Brilliant. I was told to do nothing for 6~ weeks and things will start to improve. Ok I thought, my job doesn’t actually start for another 5 months so even if it takes ages I’ll still be able to start. After 6 weeks my tonsils were pretty much better, but I still had dreadful fatigue and I was super spaced out. After lying around and doing nothing I decided it was time to start seeing people and making an effort again because I had a holiday to Thailand that had been booked for a while. I forced myself to go but spent pretty much the whole holiday asleep and utterly miserable, I fell out with the people I was with because they just didn’t understand how bad I felt because I “look healthy”. Oh great I look healthy, thanks, I must be healthy then, cheers. When I got back I was still thinking to myself that I’ll be better in a months’ time, I’ll be better in 3 months’ time, I’ll be better by the time my job starts….surely? I felt so so bad, I could list all of the symptoms I had but there was almost no part of my body that wasn’t affected, and those were just the physical symptoms. My mental state was in meltdown. I didn’t want to meet with anyone because I’d been unwell for so long that I had nothing to talk about. Interaction became a chore rather than something to be looked forward to. I didn’t feel like me anymore, and had bad anxiety so I started to just avoid people. I couldn’t leave the house either because of the fatigue, headaches, etc. so I became a recluse. I was super introspective and I didn’t care about anything apart from getting better, absolute apathy towards everything. All I could think about was my illness, it was like that was who I had become. I wasn’t Will anymore, I was just the guy who was ill. Nothing mattered to me apart from getting better and everything else going on in my life or anyone else’s life was unimportant. I was jealous of everyone. I couldn’t do anything that I used to enjoy and on top of that my muscles were deconditioning, I was putting on loads of weight and I looked like shit which made me even more depressed. All of the coping mechanisms I had used for the last 24 years were useless. All I could manage on a good day was making it downstairs and sitting like a zombie, having my meals bought to me, I’d play computer games so I could live vicariously through someone who wasn’t unwell. When I did have a visitor I tried really hard to appear as normal as possible but that required a lot of energy so I ended up crashing worse than before. My head was constantly swimming with a weird spaced out feeling – brain fog. It’s almost impossible to describe. My brain just didn’t work anymore, I could still form thoughts and I’d know what I wanted to say but the words wouldn’t come. On occasion I’d slur my words, it felt as though my mouth was trying to compress all of my thoughts into the shortest possible sentence and I had no control. Remaining silent was the best way to save energy. This is an example of how my mind-set changed from early 2018 to the end of 2018: It went from “I can’t wait to do x WHEN I get better”. To “I can’t wait to do x IF I get better”. Basically I was losing hope, how can I possibly get better when I’ve felt so bad for so long. The local doctors (NHS) had no clue, I was told by one GP that it was all in my head and I needed to just get on with things. I found another NHS GP who understood enough to give me all of the blood tests that he had available to him, but as you can probably guess everything was normal. I went to see a naturopath who put me on a load of supplements: ATP fuel, magnesium, methyl b12, and vitamin C. I also started the Paleo diet at the end of 2018 which I was incredibly strict about. I tried the Keto diet as well which might have helped a little bit but it was too unsustainable to do long term, so I went back to strict Paleo. I was sleeping really badly so my GP prescribed Amitriptyline which helped initially but its effectiveness tapered off so I stopped taking it. I did manage to get some diazepam but I was aware of how addictive it could be so I was careful with how often I took it. Once every few days seemed to be effective for me. At this point it was January 2019. I was doing daily meditation with an app called Waking up which has guided sessions with a guy called Sam Harris. I was doing something called EFT Tapping and also a breathing exercise called Buteyko 2-3 times a day. The idea was to try and get my body into a more relaxed healing state, I don’t know if it helped but it felt good to be trying something rather than just sitting back and accepting how I was. Throughout this whole ordeal I was always trying something that I’d read about – a lot of it being bizarre. My parents were getting desperate and they paid probably about £4000 overall for me to go to a so called specialist place in Hemel Hempstead called Breakspear medical. I had all kinds of weird and wonderful tests done on me from mould exposure tests to food intolerances, Lymes and viral screenings. I left with a load more supplements which are as follows: Capryllic acid for intestinal yeast overgrowth, CoQ10 for ATP synthesis, NAC and Lipsomal Glutathione for liver function, B6 complex for ATP, Mag Mind for brain function, Acetyl L Carnatine for ATP, and also vitamin C and D. I was prescribed Melatonin for sleep which did the opposite what it was supposed to though I’ve heard it can be helpful for some people. I ate well and took all the supplements for about 6 months after this initial appointment, I went back periodically for check-ups which completely wiped me out every time. This period was the darkest time for me, I was doing everything right, doing what all the experts told me to do but I was getting worse. I was becoming more sensitive to everything, sounds and smells, light, you name it. They all felt like shockwaves through my entire system. Ok, moving on to August 2019 – I’m going to stop telling you how shit everything was and start talking about what I think actually helped to kick-start my recovery. *NEW INFO HERE* YouTube channel: Alex Howard. He is the head of the optimum health clinic and has a good repository of videos you can watch, talking about things such as changing mind-set, improving diet, calming techniques (meditations) etc. There are also in depth stories of people’s journeys from bad fatigue/being bedbound to achieving great things. Adding to this I would say how important it is to ONLY watch videos/read stories online from people who have made, or are making complete recoveries. Alex mentions his online recovery program a lot but I didn’t do it and there’s enough good info to gain from the free videos. If I was still in a bad way I would consider doing it though. Another youtube channel: CFS Health. The guy running this channel is also trying to get you to sign up to his recovery program but again, there is enough good info in the YT videos. He talks a lot about the stages of recovery, listening to your body and small things you can try that might help along the way. These two channels have some overlap but can be useful if you want to watch something positive. I think it’s a good idea to make a diary to track what things you’re doing to try and help yourself, although do this quite loosely and don’t get obsessive. One mistake I made was furiously over analysing why I felt so bad on a particular day. If I had walked a distance the day before I would be thinking “if I walk that distance again I will crash”. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy in a way and things spiralled for me when I was in the mind-set. It is only natural to try and find a cause and effect, especially when you’re feeling so shit, but just accepting the day for what it is and not looking for reasons why helped me a lot. The Alex Howard videos are helpful with getting the mind-set right This resource I ONLY recommend for when things are levelling out and you’re in the end stages of recovery. Type this into youtube “Dr. Sarno's 12 Daily Reminders (for CFS/Fibromyalgia) - Part 1of 4” watch all 4 parts and take notes. This guy is Russian and only has a few views on each of his videos but they are honestly some of the best I’ve found. I found the videos during the time I was having therapy to help with the depression that was caused by my illness. It was while watching these vids that I realised my therapist had been using some of the theories of Dr Sarno with me. ** First thing I had been working on for a long time was my sleep; I followed as many of the sleep hygiene practices as I could. Things like going to bed the same time every night, having total darkness in my room, turning off devices an hour before bed, eliminating all caffeine and alcohol. A full list of useful things can be easily googled. I’d also recommend a book called “why we sleep” by Matt Walker. Getting outside for 10 mins when possible before midday is also helpful in regulating serotonin and melatonin sleep/wake cycles. I had another appointment at Breakspear medical where we were reviewing my diet and tests and the possibility of further tests and dietary changes. When I left I just thought to myself “fuck this”. I’d been on such a strict diet for over a year and I wasn’t getting anywhere. I was taking all of these supplements and nothing was changing. I didn’t eat for enjoyment or because I wanted to. Every meal was like a prescription medicine, every supplement reinforced the fact that I was ill. I think that on some subconscious level each meal and supplement was just a reminder that I felt rubbish. My mum drove me to McDonald’s and I had a double cheeseburger. Nice. I slowly reintroduced normal foods and reverted to a healthy and balanced diet. Notably I didn’t feel any worse than before. I think that maybe the restrictive diet was good to start with, I did have some intestinal problems that needed to be sorted and at the beginning my diet was at least one thing that I had control over. I was so miserable all the time and I started to realise how abnormal my situation was, no human should have to go through this. My state of mind was so negative and all over the place, I had no idea how to deal with what I was experiencing. Nothing in my life had prepared me for this kind of meaningless existence. So I finally dropped my ego and went to see an experienced therapist. I’ve seen her about 5 times over 4 months and I think it has been really beneficial. The mind body connection is real, what we think really can affect how we feel. I just want to be clear that I’m not saying ME/CFS is a mental illness, but the way it destroys your life does have a psychological impact; so why not see an expert? I know that this is a contentious issue so I won’t write more here but if you’re interested in some of the things I’ve learned send me a pm. Around this time I got a really bad ear canal infection and when it cleared up around a week later I felt like something had changed in a good way. One doctor said that the infection could have rebooted my immune system into actually fighting my CFS. That sounds like some kind of pseudoscience bullshit I know, but I wasn’t complaining. From there I started to take steps to take back control of my life, even if it was something as small as bringing my dirty washing downstairs or seeing a friend for 10 minutes or just sitting outside. I tried to be less hard on myself, stopped trying so hard and stopped furiously analysing why I was having a bad day and just accepting it. Beforehand I would wonder if it was because I had eaten something specific or walked slightly too far. The problem with over analysing is that when I decided that I was in a crash because I had walked to the shed, I would say to myself “if I walk that distance again I will crash”. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy in a way. I don’t really know what else to say. Things are improving for me but I can’t say exactly why, maybe it’s a culmination of all the things I’ve tried, maybe the illness has just run its course. I’m doing things now that I never thought would be possible 6 months ago. I took the dogs for a walk the other day for the first time since getting ill and I cried tears of joy when I got home. I’m planning to get back into the gym soon, just to do some stretching/rehab work. I have plans to see friends at Christmas and after that if all goes well I’m going to start a short course to get my mind focused and reintroduce myself into society. Another thing I’ve noticed is that getting out of the house is so beneficial for my general well being. Although I love my house and have been cared for unbelievably brilliantly by my mum, it has become somewhat of a luxurious prison. Yes, it’s my place of safety but it’s also the place where I’ve felt as bad as its possible to feel – bedbound, etc. Oh yeah, hot baths every night are good as well. There are probably loads of things I’ve forgotten to mention but as and when I think of them I can add them at the bottom of the post. **December 2020 update** This has been a good year for me despite everything going on in the world, I'd say I'm 95% of the way to fully better. Perhaps when covid is over i'll get that final 5%. To give you an idea of what ive done this year: I've started going to the gym and working out, playing golf and cricket again, seeing friends, having a drink (to excess sometimes), climbed Mt Snowdon and run a 26 minute 5k. I never thought any of this would be possible in my wildest dreams. The message I want to give everyone is one of hope. You never know what’s round the corner. I bet there are loads of things you’re still doing to try and get better; you wouldn’t be doing them if you’d lost hope. Cling on to the hope, please don’t give up. Message me if you need to. Things can get better, I’m a living example. Yes, I worry I won’t fully recover but this time two years ago I’d have traded everything I owned or ever would have owned to be where I am now. Thanks all, hope your Christmas is ok, Will x
[Updated repost from here and here] See my mega review post. It's getting time for me to update it, but still worth looking through. First off, I wanna just get out of the way that there are as many approaches to doing "smart home" as there are people doing it... So I welcome comments! The idea is to create a single post/thread I (or anyone else) can just link for people asking the basic question of "where do I start", and... I started where I started, not where everyone else started :-) [What do youwant?] My first suggestion to all those starting out or barely in.... At a minimum, consider EVERYTHING you might want to do. Let your imagination run wild. If you can think it, there's a good chance someone else has done it - and if not, you can be the first. I think the biggest and most common mistake people make when starting out - for me as well - is a lack of imagination. There's nothing wrong starting out with "I just want to do X" (especially if you mean it) but it's also a good way to get boxed in. I recommend everyone, including automation veterans, write out all your dream projects and goals... actually write them down. Write out what and how many devices (lights, sensors, etc.) it will take. Then, put in ball park prices. If you're really just starting out, you might need to pencil in just wild guesses. That's fine. Doesn't need to be exact, and prices change (and can vary wildly by brand/model). The idea is to just have a rough estimate of what's feasible and what isn't... What's worth it and what isn't... What to do sooner and what to put off. [What do you already have?] If you're serious about home automation... Make a detailed floor plan of your house. A floor-plan is pretty useful in general, but especially useful for setting up and maintaining a smart home. Mark where all the outlets, switches, and light fixtures are at, and go through the house mapping circuit breakers just the one time. As smart devices are installed, notate on the floor plan which devices are smart, their capabilities (ie if lights are color), what protocol they use (ZigBee, Z-Wave, or WiFi), what circuit breaker they're on and/or what type of battery they use (and you can note last battery installation date). (I use Sweet Home 3D - free, pretty powerful, and pretty easy.) Obviously, what you already have for automation devices should be taken into account in any smart home plan. However, in general don't let that influence you too much. Every home automation veteran has box(s) full of old stuff. Plan carefully to minimize waste, but home automation is constantly evolving, so be willing to occasionally rethink your approach. If you do switch to a different platform/protocol/etc, do it slowly. Don't try to transition everything at once. At the same time, I personally feel it's important to maintain consistency throughout a house. Having a mish-mash of different products and designs can hinder every-day living. [Whatcanyou do?] See below for a quick list of the most common device types. Following that is a list of automation ideas. Use these to assist in making the list. Although they are perhaps a bit overwhelmingly long, it's more to prompt you to think about what you want. Come up with your own dream list! (Then share it.) Before skipping to those, there's a two things you need to decide early on. (Or skip, but come back.) Honestly, I'm split on which is more important. They may very well be equally important. [Pause for dramatic cliff-hanger....] [How are you going to control everything?] The first is the "automation controller". You know about Google Home and Alexa - maybe know about IFTTT - and you're wondering if you really need a separate controller. If you're going to do more than couple of simple things... you're going to want a controller. It's just that simple. There's quite a few out there (literally thousands), from those that barely qualify as an automation controller (like Google Home), to easy to use but limited SmartThings, to DIY systems like HomeAssistant. It depends in large part on end goals and user preference (and mon-ay!). Few people have extensively used all of the major ones, so take all suggestions - including mine - with a grain of salt, unless they can directly compare and contrast from experience. So, you're on your own. For what it's worth, my quick-pick short list would be either Hubitat or Home Assistant, but it really does depend on your tech level, budget, goals, and other preferences. Personally, I use a Hubitat Elevation, and I love it. Note: My understanding is that SmartThings is still the go-to platform for beginners. However, it's limited, and does not have a stable user experience or functionality. I have long since stopped using SmartThings, so only passingly familiar with recent developments, but my opinion continues to be to avoid it unless you willing to buy it as a learning tool. [How areyougoing to control everything??] The second major decision is how you want to control the lighting. Sounds simple, but it's really not. It really deserves a mega-thread of it's own. At least for me, it was a choice that was far more difficult, far more costly, and far harder to reverse than which controller to get (though I'm proud to say I'm sure I did make the right choice for my goals). There's smart switches,1 smart bulbs, smart switches with smart bulbs, control/touch screen panels, remote controls, and voice. And, each one can have varying features and styling. Also consider how they will work together, not just on the technical side (which is addressed by picking an automation controller), but in actual practical use. Before picking products, actually imagine using them... For instance, would you want a glossy touch-screen light dimmer next to a click-button fan controller? Rather than immediately falling in love with a new glitter product, picture yourself using it to turn the lights on and off or whatever on a daily basis while half-asleep in the dark, or in a rush out the door. Many people answer "I'll just use voice". Wrong answer. Just take my word for it. Voice is an add-on feature; not a replacement for physical controls. I have at least 10 Google Homes scattered throughout the house, and will be expanding on that - so it's not that they aren't useful, but yelling "Hey Google, turn on kitchen light one" ("I've turned on kitchen light two" -- "I SAID ONE!!") at 3am just doesn't actually work. As much as I and hopefully you love the idea of home automation, old dumb light switches really are about as good you can get for simple, practical, intuitive use. My ultimate answer is that... I don't want to control lights! I want them to control themselves - hence being home automation. Unfortunately, it's just not achievable. 1) Motion sensors can be finicky and you'll want a backup, 2) Motion sensors aren't appropriate for all circumstances, and 3) Motion sensors throughout the entire house (and setting up the automation logic) is a large undertaking, and will take much time, effort and expense. I give a pro/con of some of the basic methods on my "review thread", but... First, ask YOURSELF questions. Where will the switches be? What will they do? What are you going to do with the existing switches? Will you want switches where there aren't any built-in? Will they work for the entire family? Consider what you'll gain over "dumb" switches, and what you'll lose. Then do research and ask everyone else how to get there. [What protocol are you going to use?] One other thing that's suggested be decided early on is protocol. If you've done any research at all or spent anytime in the forums, you'll see ZigBee and Z-Wave mentioned a lot. First, WiFi is conspicuously absent in that sentence. Despite the massive number of "smart" products on the market that use WiFi, it's not a good base protocol to use. Buying WiFi products is a great place to start out. There are a lot of great WiFi products, and they don't generally require any "hub", allowing you to just jump in without out this bothersome planning and research, and using WiFi products isn't a death sentence for home automation setups. But there are many - too many - drawbacks from security issues to signal interference, so be careful not to get sucked too far into WiFi. Feel free to postpone making these really hard choices by buying a couple WiFi devices, but don't ignore them just because WiFi seems to work well to start with. Some of the pro/cons for WiFi like security issues just make WiFi less of bargain, but many of the issues grow exponentially with the number of WiFi devices you have. As to Zigbee or Z-Wave - I started out with a mix, and have settled on one based on stability of my personal setup - not naming which is giving me troubles, because it's probably solvable, I'm just too lazy to bother. Although there are differences between the two - some of which may be quite important to smart-home veterans - it typically doesn't matter which is used, and there's certainly not one that's "better" for beginners. Pretty much every product type can be found in either, but specific brands usually do one or the other, so I'd recommend getting a controller that supports both, learn as you go, and use what works best. Just as a bit of a primer, ZigBee and Z-Wave are both what are known as "mesh networks". You know about "mesh WiFi". It's like that, but completely different. In a true mesh network, each device can act as a repeater for other devices, which isn't true for WiFi. So each device that is a repeater strengthens and extends the network, and can become more efficient with routing. Not all will be repeaters, particularly battery powered devices. Hue and other ZigBee bulbs won't either, because they're technically a substandard (Zigbee Light Link rather than Zigbee Home Automation). However, bulbs in general are reportedly a mixed bag, and not being a repeater can be better than being a bad repeater. [Do you really need a "hub"?] A note on hubs. Many people (including myself) started out with "But I don't wanna hub!" (or "But I don't wannanother hub!") Get over it. Although there's something to be said for simplicity, don't get hung up on whether something requires a hub! They don't build them just to make money... well, I mean, they do, but no one would buy them if they didn't have value. Personally, I actively use six hubs (Hubitat Elevation, Lutron Caseta, Hue, Pi 3B+, Arlo, and Fing) with plans for another, and have yet more that I've managed to phase out. That's not to say those hubs are right for everyone (again, see my review thread), and I'm definitely not saying to buy any hub without researching what features it adds, but do not cut your nose off to spite your face by avoiding product lines just because there's a hub! [Whereare you going to use it?] (At home! It's home automation! Duh!!) Presence... It's a huge issue for home automation. Maybe even the most important issue. So, just going to define a few concepts for your consideration. The Holy Grail of a smart home is being able to customize the environment to suit the specific people in the room/area, and specifically to suit their activity. For instance, you may want different lighting or sound settings if you are watching tv rather than your child, or have different things occur if your child is leaving the house rather than when you arrive, etc., etc. The only way to do that in a practical way within a home environment is through facial recognition cameras. Although it's technically feasible, at this time it's simply not practical for the vast majority of home owners. But there are ways to get pretty close. There's geopresense (aka "geofencing"). You know what it is, but there's a lot more to it when applied inside a house. It can be used to determine, within some margin of error, if you're at home, but useless in saying which part of the home. And it can only track other people if they're willing to install an app (and have their phone with them). It can also be used for things like having left work, arrived at a vacation destination, or perhaps which section of your property like the golf course in your back yard or the squash court in the side yard.area To determine if someone actually entered the house, or entered a specific room, you can use contact sensors, which indicates a door or window has been opened or closed. Obviously, this can't say who it was, or even if they're entering or exiting. They also require opening doors, which obviously often doesn't apply inside. Motion detectors... well, you know what they do. There are some issues with them, such as sensitivity, polling rate, and false alarms (the vast majority of sensors see infrared changes, so heat sources will tend to throw them off). Still, they make for good lighting controls and such. A few other "presence" types... There are pressure plates, vibration sensors, and beam sensors. Some of these are pretty uncommon, but if you're not adverse to DIY, they could be handy. For instance, a pressure sensor could tell if your car is parked, and a beam sensor can tell if the car has arrived. That is, a pressure plate can tell the difference between a car and a person, but is specific to only one specific location. A beam sensor can see between any two points, but can't tell the difference between a car and your grandmother's corpse. Another option is BlueTooth. Using keychain fobs, specific people can be identified, and hypothetically located within a small-ish area, but still not good enough to pin-point a room/area. When combined with motion sensors, if people aren't in groups, you could get pretty close, for instance if only one person is in one part of the house, and a motion sensor is triggered for a specific room in that area, the system can know who is in what room. Carefully combining these together - typically GPS, contact sensors, and/or motion sensors - you can get a good idea of where people are in a house. The closer you can get to the Holy Grail of knowing where people are, who they are, and what they are doing, the more automation can be fined-tuned to customize a house for them. Here's a post showing what creativity, planning, time, and pure stubbornness can accomplish. [How are you going tostopusing it?] Shit happens. Plan for it. Example one... My dog likes to chew on my MagicCube and Pico remotes, which only control lights so no big deal, but if turning on a light while no one was home acted as a security alarm trigger, it'd be a big problem. Example two... a simple mistake in my automation code prevented lights from turning on or off - at all - and I couldn't stop right then to fix it. It's too easy to make a mistake, like having lights come on at 2am instead of 2pm, so put in overrides. Have options to disable routines. And use multi-point authentication systems for critical systems like alarms and locks. It doesn't take much to tank the SAF (Spouse Approval Factor), if not actually put you in physical danger. Now on to the lists, but first a warning. Don't let them overwhelm you. The options with smart homes is long, but only the biggest dicks most dedicated [sorry, just jealous] do more than maybe a double handful of them. Devices:
Pool automation (Note: There's actually not much on the market for pools that aren't very pricey)
Robot vacuums
Pet/child toys (just being thorough.... :-)
Not a device in the same way as those above, but there are also hubs that mimic remote controls for ceiling fans, tvs, window ACs, gas fireplaces, etc. Automation ideas.... Note: The true wonder and power of home automation is being able to join together multiple triggers with multiple events for multiple devices, such as creating whole-house scenes, combining lighting, alerts, tv/movie player, fireplace, water features, etc., etc. It's impossible to list every combination, but... please share what you've done :-) These are sorted roughly by category. The leading number in brackets is my opinion/guess on general difficulty (scale of 10, with 10 hardest), but that could drastically vary by specifics of the goal, how it's implemented, the platform, specific products, and how wrong my opinion is, so only use them if you don't know any better. "?" indicates it depends entirely on the platform.
[2] Single controls for multiple lights (eg overhead lights and lamps)
[3 to ?] Single controls for multiple lights doing different things (eg if overhead turns off, accent lighting turns on)
[3] Single controls for both lights and ceiling fan
[1] Single controls for multiple light functions (eg double-tap and long push)
[1] Remote controls for lights and ceiling fans (or anything else)
[1] Voice controls (just FYI, it's not as useful as you might think, unless you have it already and think it's super useful)
[1] Motion controlled switches (eg waving instead of pushing - especially good for the disabled)
[2] Porch light turns on when you arrive (accounting for time and/or ambient light level)
[2] Porch light turns on when you open the door, and stay on for X seconds/minutes
[1] Closet (or cabinet, crawl-space, etc.) light turns on when you open the door, and turns off when you close it
[2] Lights come on at preset level
[5] Lights come on at level based on time (and/or color temperature "warmth", with color lights)
[3] Lights come on in nightlight mode at night (same as above, but deserves a separate bullet; deal with it)
[1] Outdoor lights timed to sunrise and sunset
[4] Lights come on at level based on weather (and/or color temperature "warmth", with color lights)
[3] Lights come on at level based on room/outside brightness (and/or color temperature "warmth", with color lights)
[3] Dim lights to preset level when tv is turned on
[2] Single button to turn on whole entertainment system
[3] Preset channel selection buttons (or auto-play movie from media server - Note: hacked Amazon Dash buttons are good for this, as are Xiaomi MagicCubes, with printed stickers)
[10] Preset pizza/Chinese delivery buttons (use with care if you have children, or the dog gets ahold of the button, etc.) see bottom for a few button ideas
[2] Emergency/panic button send text message, email, and/or sound alarm
Color (or color flash) lights for weather (eg it's cold [4], or it will rain [6])
[7] Color flash lights for incoming phone calls, texts and/or emails by sender, keyword and/or number
[2] Color flash lights when household member arrives home (or gets near home)
[4] Voice alerts for when household member arrives home (or gets near home)
[1 to ?] Dim-to-off for lights (rather than abrupt change - this is pre-built into many systems, including Hue and Lutron switches.
[2] "Scene" control for lighting for movies, parties, reading, snuggle time, bed time, etc. (using color lights)
[1 to ?] Light colors "dance" to the music (Note: this only works in dorm rooms, "(wo)man-caves" and brothels)
[1] Turn off (or on) lights when you leave the house (or [3] select lights when select people leave)
[7 to 10] Vacation mode lighting to simulate occupancy (or, better yet, lights always simulate occupancy when not home ... and don't forget the tv)
[1] Combination locks
[1] Smart card locks
[2] Auto lock doors (eg X minutes after being unlocked)
[1] Lock the doors when you leave
[6] Unlock the doors when you arrive (I STRONGLY recommend dual-authentication, such as phone geofencing COMBINED WITH garage door opening - other authentication can be hidden buttons or motion sensors, key fobs, video facial recognition, and possibly your car)
[1] Change lock codes remotely
[5] Change lock codes automatically (eg a sequential "cipher")
[4] Set scenes based on different lock codes
[2] Set single use (or X number use) lock codes
[2] Schedule when lock codes will work (eg for house cleaner)
[2] Enable/disable lock codes entirely at certain hours (if keyless locks, make sure you have a way to bypass, such as by phone app)
[2] Send text alert (or color flash, sound, voice, etc.) on lock code usage (eg kids getting home)
[1] Video doorbell
[3] Flash lights with doorbell ring
[2] Send text alert when door opens (or a light turns on, etc., possibly at certain times) (eg kids getting into shit they shouldn't)
[2] Door sensor alert for liquor cabinet or gun case (or [3] toy chest, either child toys after bedtime or bedtime adult toys)
[2] Door sensor on shed and/or fence (with alerts) (credit Cobra)
[8] Stop light (or other parking-assistance) for inside garage
[3] Voice alert/text for child's door opening during scheduled bedtime (credit homeautomaton)
[2 to ?] Child's door sensor auto-shut-down of streaming media (credit homeautomaton)
[4] Baby monitor with alerts providing two-way voice
[6] Set alert for doors and/or windows left open with AC (or automatically disable AC or enable whole-house fan)
[5] Voice alert for windows open when raining (credit to Cobra)
[1] Remote video monitoring (don't spy on your spouse, you perv!)
[2] Security system triggered by vibration sensor "tags" (ie attached to a tv)
[2] Security system triggered if window is broken
[2] Security system triggered by light switches
[2] Security system triggered by motion sensors
[8] Layered security monitoring using all of the above combined with cameras, locks, and contact sensors, with light and/or audio sirens, voice warnings, text alerts, and hypothetically phone calls
[1] Simple, fast and multiple security alarm deactivation "secret" buttons (so no need to fumble around trying to remember and enter a number into the base station inevitably three rooms away that has a card next to it saying whether to push the star or pound sign while alarms are blaring in your ear)
[2] Trigger ceiling fans based on temperature
[4] Automate bathroom vent fans based on humidity
[4 or so] Basement dehumidifier accounting for time (or presence) as well as humidity (that is, using different humidity thresholds based on other conditions)
[4 to ?] Select music to play when arrive home
[8 to ?] Select music playlist/channel based on who is home
[4 to ?] Autoplay music in rooms based on motion
[10 or ?] Select room music playlist/channel based on who in the room (would require in-home tracking, such as BT fobs or camera facial recognition)
[4 to ?] Select music to play for "scene" like reading, snuggle time, etc.
[3 to ?] Set volume and/or equalizer levels for "scene" like party, movie time, reading, etc.
[2] Blinds/curtains set to open/close on schedule (and/or by weather, and/or by "scene")
[3] Alert (text, light flash or sound) when mailbox is opened (range could be an issue)
[?] Swipe card lock on mail slot box
[?] Package delivery box keyed to parcel service (with alerts)
[3] Text/voice alert (etc.) for leaks (toilets, sinks, washing machine, dishwasher, water heater, ice maker, aquariums, basement)
[1] Valve cutoff with leak
[7] Voice/sound alert for dryewasher being completed
[4] Alert for clothesline dry based on moisture (range could be an issue)
[2] Voice/sound alert for stove preheat
[2] Voice/text alert for refrigeratofreezer left open (credit to Smart Home Solver on YouTube)
[10] Schedule voice assistant to sing Happy Birthday (when birthday girl/boy is present)
[3] Coffee pot set to start with alarm clock
[?] Automatic/scheduled/controlled pet feeder and/or treat dispenser
[3] Provide alert if pet has not been fed, or provide indication if pet has already been fed
[3] Medicine reminders, if bottle hasn't been opened or moved (credit to Smart Home Solver on YouTube)
[3] Aquarium temperature alerts
[8] Aquarium or other light cycling through colors and brightness all day
[10+] Aquarium cloud shadow or lightning effects by weather (best with addressable LEDs)
[7] Aquarium auto-filling by level (using a water sensor - be sure to have backups in place for catastrophic leaks!)
[9] Pool auto-filling by level (using a float with a contact sensor - be sure to have backups in place for catastrophic failure!)
[2] Pool pump timer, possibly accounting for temperature and/or rain (probably will require high-amp relay)
[9] Run pool pump set amount of time per day/week, including when manually turned on/off
[3] Water heater timer (allowing weekends, holidays, etc., as opposed to "dumb" timers)
[4] Water heater always on when home (perhaps combined with timer - "if home AND between X and Y o'clock" or "if home OR between X and Y oclock")
[7] Water heater turns on when tank temperature rapidly drops (eg regardless of schedule, turn it on if actually used)
[8] Have bathtub temperature and/or water level preset with auto-shutoff (and alert when full)
[?] No-touch toilet flushing and/or sink faucets
[2] Carbon monoxide levels trigger whole house and/or ceiling fans (and/or cut off furnace, open garage door, vent fans, alerts/alarm)
[2] Monitor power usage of outlets
[10] Fancy holiday lighting and patterns
[1] Audio broadcasts (eg "Dinner time", "Bed time", "Take your medication", singing Happy Birthday, etc. - can be combined with buttons)
[5] Audio broadcasts/text alerts for maintenance (eg AC filter, car registration renewal)
[?] Disable/enable WiFi/internet access to devices by schedule or other event (eg disable kids' phone at "Dinner time", could be combined alert mentioned above)
[?] Text alert for power outage
[4] Schedule sprinklers/irrigation
[7] Activate sprinklers/irrigation based on temperature and/or soil moisture
[4] Motion based animal deterrence (eg alarm or activate robotic scarecrow)
[1] Secret buttons (eg motion sensor in a book to retract a wall revealing a massive bunker filled with guns, with optional bunker filled with guns)
[1] Fun buttons doing... whatever (like squishy toys, the Big Red Button, or the internet box - note: do not put a button on your shoe, because that's stupid)
[2] Alert/light color for low batteries on smart sensors (credit to Smart Home Solver on YouTube)
If you've made it all the way here, lemme know if you want something closer to a step-by-step instructions of getting a "smart home" using a Hubitat. I don't like telling people "do this" when there are so many different ways, and I'm nowhere near done with my way, but with enough interest I might be convinced. 1 Disclaimer: Just FYI, "switch", "remote" and "controller" can have varying meanings that differ between general usage, electrical devices, and in home automation. I'm using a generic, non-technical, meanings.
**** * **** PRESENT “It’s our friend, let’s get him!” Daffodil alerted Wanda, who was driving a car they had “liberated” from a victim the previous evening. Raisin was in the back seat and as alert and ready as he was able. Weasel was parked in a dark area, a little way up the road. He would wait to see them pull in behind the target truck and flash their headlights, then pull the van in front of the truck. The driver would probably stop. Weasel was high enough that he wasn’t too worried. He saw the large, older model car pull out onto the four-lane roadway and in beside the panel-truck that approached him. The lights flashed and he drove forward. He stopped the van directly across both eastbound lanes, perpendicular to the traffic flow. He was elated by the sounds of squealing breaks. The truck driver had nowhere to go but the ditch. Then he heard the engine roar. **** * **** When he saw the big old clunker pull in beside him and flash its lights, Scott, already paranoid, looked around for a trap. He started to brake so that the car would pass him. Then he registered that the van that had pulled out in front of him was THE van. The weirdoes! His options were to ram the car that he wasn’t sure was involved, drive into the deep ditch on his right, or… He downshifted and accelerated. “This ends tonight, freaks!” The driver in the van stared at him stupidly through the open window and did not react. The car beside him braked and slowed to avoid hitting the van. That gave Scott the opportunity to angle toward the driver side door at the last minute. He could always claim that he’d turned that way to avoid the collision. At the last moment, he slammed on his brakes to leave skid marks, then left off and rolled into the side of the old van. **** * **** “He’s gonna hit Weasel!” Daffy screamed in alarm. “He’s crazy!” By the time she’d said the last, the wreck was a fait accompli. The truck was angled across both lanes and they could see the driver tugging furiously to release his seatbelt. Wanda barely managed to get the big sedan stopped. She angled toward the ditch but managed to stop on pavement. “He’s running toward the back of the truck!” She shouted unnecessarily. They clambered out of three of the four doors on the large pink Thunderbird and rushed towards the back of the truck with blood their intent. They arrived to see the cargo door close and to hear a click! as an interior lock engaged. “He’s trapped, let’s go check on Weasel.” Daffodil followed her own directions and ran around the back of the truck and saw the van… what was left of it. The three of them stood gaping in horror, the van had flipped onto its side and then its roof. There was gore and shattered glass splattered all over the roadway and a meaty lump sprawled messily in the roadway. Weasel had been ejected and subsequently flattened by the bulk of the rolling van. The instant exsanguination had put an end to his travels. Daffodil screeched and ran toward the cold, congealed mass that had been her un-dead lover and companion for her long un-lifetime. Wanda, who had always held a crush on their unelected leader, fell to her knees and quietly sobbed. Raisin, who had just lost the only friend he’d had back when they’d all held breath in their bodies felt first, a gaping void of emptiness, then an encompassing rage! He dashed for the back of the truck and began to pull ferociously at the door, to try to raise it. The girls soon joined him, emulating The Furiesof Old as each clawed frantically to get into the cargo space to rip the truck driver to shreds. As other vehicle stopped and people began to rush up to help, the vehemence of the three abated a little. Several people had stopped and taken out phones: to record rather than to call for assistance. From inside the cargo area of the truck, they heard… laughter. Raisin struck out at the steel sliding door a few more times until the weight and grasp of his companions pulled him from the task and toward the ditch. They leaped across and fled into the darkness of an abandoned lot. They were stranded and Weasel was dead… like, for sure dead, man, Daffy sniffled as they ran. **** * **** Raul was annoyed. He really wanted to get a look at the scene where the flashing lights were and the crowd of people and cars were packed and milling, but he was on duty and had to lock up the outer gates at the outlet mall. It had once been a nice place, full of high-end retailers. Now it was essentially a flea market inside a solid structure. Still, it was a good job to work security. Easy work, locking doors and making sure that as few taggers as possible added their unique artwork to the already loud and flashy colors with which the new owners had covered the complex. He glanced once more in longing to be near the fun, maybe a bad wreck with torn bodies. He started to turn back to the electronic locking pad but did a double take. Three figures were running from the scene of mayhem, directly toward him. Maybe I can get some fun out this after all, he thought happily. It was a man and two women who arrived at the gate. Raul shined his flashlight towards them and in his most stern and forbidding voice ordered them, “Stop! Security. This is private property…” His words were cut short. The trio had not stopped but instead had tackled him, like a team of jackals. They pushed him onto his back and the male with the funny splotch on his face leaned in and nuzzled at his neck. This can’t be happening, his mind shuddered. “Hey dude, I’m not like that.” He said in shock. About then, he realized that each of the women had taken hold of one of his arms. He felt three simultaneous puncturing wounds, they stung, and were instantly sore, and then… a sense of bliss washed over him. A cool contentment as he watched the world reduce to a grey, ever-darkening tunnel… his last glimpse of light was the amber flashing light from the golf cart he used to patrol the parking lot. **** * **** “That was pretty crazy and pretty clever all at once.” Valerie Lafevre assured her client. “You did right to call the police and then call me before you gave a statement. Seems there were witnesses this time. A couple of drivers in the oncoming lanes. One of them even managed to record most of the incident. Pardon the pun, but I think this will get you off, ‘Scott free’.” She grinned at the tired and still shaking Scott Wilson. “Yes ma’am.” He returned with a tight smile of his own. “I couldn’t think of anything else to do but be ready to hide in the back. I didn’t know that the guy would pull out in front of me. It was a really dumb move, I had nowhere to go. It was like some teens on dope made their plan.” He shrugged, “I don’t like that the guy died but I like even less that his friends got away from the scene. Maybe somebody got video of them. If I can see it, I can identify at least two of them as the ones I first saw.” Val nodded, “Working on that. What no one has brought up yet, is that they found another body drained of blood early this morning and near the scene. I have no doubt that your hippie friends were involved. Maybe they are some kind of… I dunno, vampire cult?” She said the last in a skeptical manner but in hopes that Scott might reveal any opinions he may have had on the subject. He obliged, “I’ve had plenty of time to think about that and it had occurred to me that they were the ones draining blood from people. First that trooper, then all those street people. They had pretty freaky teeth, maybe some kind of implants and they did not look healthy. That’s still pretty freaky. Weird that they’d leave a body out in the open like that. I guess they intended to move on, maybe even leave the city. At least I hope they did.” **** * **** “I like, already want the van. I can’t rest or anything, man.” Wanda complained. Daffodil patted her on the shoulder, “I know, it’s creepy being in a building like this without it. Feels like it’s time to sleep but who could do that without the van being nearby? Weird being in this old department store. I remember when it was one of the popular ones, very stylish. Now it’s just a shell that not even the dregs will rent for their crappy stores.” She assumed a wistful look, “I’m glad there are still some mannequins. Feels like we’re in a crowd. Maybe like back at Woodstock…” Raisin lay in a fetal ball and twitched in fitful slumber, “That dude can sleep anywhere.” Wanda observed. “You think we can get the van? I miss the van. We need it.” **** * **** “Sheriff, you were friends with a man who is now a werewolf and you met the being who was once one of your K-9 officers and was married to Earl’s daughter, who started life as a puppy. You lost another deputy to the transformation to werewolf and still another who left to become an EMT because she couldn’t deal with the monster encounters. Surely it’s not so strange that there are also vampires?” Val reasoned into the secure line with Sheriff Gene Cloud. He exhaled through his nose, clearly frustrated, “I know Ms. Lafevre, Val; it’s not about doubting you, just a gut reaction to such news. How many kinds of legendary monsters are stalking about these days? The world is getting crowded, guess they had to start showing through the cracks in the wall of humanity that presses against everything. Still… vampires? Do they have superpowers like the movie ones, or are they more down to earth like… well, like the monsters we know?” She gave a shrug that he couldn’t see, “I don’t really know but I don’t think they are all that hyper powerful, just bloodthirsty. If they’d been super strong, they’d have ripped the door off the back of the panel truck and drained the blood from my client or left him in shreds. The deputy that the undead state police officer attacked at the County Morgue lived. He’s hurt, but on the mend and the former state officer is now fully dead, deep fried in the blood he’d taken from others. At least we know that part of the vampire legend is true, they don’t tan well. I wish Earl was able to help. He and Lacy could track and take out these freaks in no time, but I think that was why he wanted to train me, so I could take care of things on my own.” “He sure did,” the Sheriff agreed, “I’m glad he let us help with that. By the way, have you seen the pictures of the Knox’s baby boy? Tom and Julie are over the Moon. They named him ‘Thomas Earl’.” Val gave an unseen smile, “Yes, I’ll get over to visit as soon as I can get a break. I’m a fulltime attorney these days and apparently, a part-time monster hunter. I truly appreciate all that you and your deputies taught me. Gives me some better memories of the old hometown.” “Where you are welcome back at any time, even though you are a danged ole lawyer.” He chuckled. “I’ll put Tom and Julie to work on it. They are out on maternity leave and I know they will both want something to do. I can’t give them anything official, but they’d love to help, especially since it’s you.” **** * **** The city police property yard supervisor shook his head at the tow truck driver, “Dang, Gerald, that thing’s a mess. Still, with a fatality involved, we’d best put it inside until the techs and investigators have a chance to look it over. Don’t see many of those microbuses these days. Darkest tint I’ve ever seen. No wonder the driver pulled out in front of that truck: he couldn’t see.” Gerald nodded, “Yes sir, the only bigger mess was the driver. No seatbelt, ejected, looked like people-burger. Weird thing, by the time the EMTs arrived, the body had started to reek like it had been out in the sun for a couple of days. Worst one I ever smelled. Bunch of other junk scattered along the roadway, old luggage, clothes and stuff. Some bottles of booze and a really old and well-worn bong. The officers bagged it and put it in the front seat. There’s some more in the very back, now scattered all over the interior I suppose. Real mess but no blood splatter. Bin number four?” The Sgt. nodded and Gerald backed the old van into the secure garage space. Before he left, he called to Sgt. Hayhurst, “Hey Sarge, we didn’t drain the fuel tank. Don’t think there’s a leak, but I’m supposed to let you know in case they need to use a cutting torch.” **** * **** “I can like feel which way the van is, man.” Wanda gritted. “As soon as it’s full-on dark again, we need to like get to it.” Raisin sat up, a mournful look on his otherwise slack features, “Yeah, we need to feed again on the way. Place sure is noisy, guess Fridays are like that. Full of good smelling blood. We need to get moving anyways, van or no van.” Daffodil sat against a wall, her knees clutched closely against her upper body, “I can’t believe Weasel… he’s like, gone. I miss him so much. He could be so annoying, but he wasn’t stupid. He would have made a plan. It’s what he did.” They moved to the front of the old store and watched as the security staff, who all seemed to look a little warily at the customers, herded people out into the night. It was closing time. Raisin gave a nasty smirk, “Wonder if the security guards are nervous about their dead buddy or just because of their usual clientele?” It was a simple matter to slip out of the interior entrance to the old store and into the gaggle of customers as they filed through the outer doorway and into the night beyond. “We like need a car of some kind.” Wanda said in a more determined manner than she had used since they’d lost their friend and primary driver, Weasel. It helped that she now saw purpose… getting back the van. They followed the flow of people as they left and sought their various means of transportation. Some headed for the nearby bus stop. “That’s the one, and the feast.” Daffy pointed at an older couple who toddled along, arm in arm toward a decrepit minivan. The trio ambled towards the couple and their van, walking calmly, so as to keep the prey calm. This will be easy, Daffodil thought, they are old, blood won’t taste too great, but it’s a van… sorta. The elder male saw them first and nudged his wife. She reached into her purse and handed him an object. He turned toward the blood-drinking car-jackers, “Hold it! You are not getting our van and you are not going to rob us. We’ve had enough of that sort of thing. Go on and bother somebody else.” The man held a small-framed revolver menacingly and pointed it at Raisin’s face. Raisin ignored the man and reached toward him. The .38 caliber pistol barked out a sharp report and several inches of flame that briefly illuminated Raisin’s features as a round entered the purple blotch on his face. It was quickly followed by four more, one of which entered his left eye socket and removed a portion of his brain by way of a new opening in the back of his skull. Along with the tissue, dried blood and gunk splattered and he collapsed, blood flowing from his wounds, eyes staring into eternity. Wanda and Daffodil looked at one another, then the elderly couple, then down at the cold and truly lifeless body of their companion. Daffodil growled, “We need that van, and we need their blood.” She and Wanda surged forward. They soon had the couple pushed into the back seat and driven madly to a restaurant parking lot, a few blocks from the mall, where they leaned over the front seats and dined. I was wrong, Daffodil decided as the fresh blood filled her, these people were scared, that always tastes good.Besides, they are about the ages we’d have been and I’m pretty sure they took some wild medications today.Freaky. The vampires switched victims to get some variety in their suppers. “The old man had some okay meds in his blood, but the lady had something pretty strong and she had to have smoked something recently.” Wanda opined from the front driver seat. Daffodil, a little bemused, nodded as she drove as directly as she could in the direction of their mobile lair: the VW Microbus. She was a little dizzy and had to focus to keep from wrecking the minivan. Not much we can do to it, paint’s already rotted off the top and the transmission is about to go, she thought but did not share with Wan Wan. Yet she shared her despair and anger, “I just can’t believe it. We spent all those years on the road. Nobody ever reacted fast enough to stop us. We always managed to trick them. Maybe we underestimated them because they were old. Now we’ve lost both our dudes. I’m sad and… to use Weasel’s word, ‘pissed’! We have the blood, now I want our van!” **** * **** Val shook her head and addressed her internal dialog: The legends just don’t help. At least what’s online; too much crap from movies and recent lore. Still, that one old article… they are not super-monsters, just blood-drinking fiends with an unnatural half-life. Creatures of the grave. That would explain why that weirdo van driver has already disintegrated.Hope the Coroner doesn’t get in trouble for telling me.Now, how to kill them according to the oldest stories.I’ll make an Earl list: 1.Remove the head 2.Burn them with fire or in the sun 3.Pin them in their grave face down with a stake through the heart so that they starved 4.Keep them away from their grave or tomb and they will waste away – the old information had suggested locking them in a church but that was likely not necessary, waving crosses or garlic at them would do nothing 5.Cause instant exsanguination – as in hitting them with a truck She was startled when her phone rang. It was her new contact, the Medical Examiner / Coroner, Dr. Gottlieb: “Ms. Lafevre, there was a fatal Shooting at Gulfpoint Mall about a half hour ago. It was near where those three fugitives fled last night. They carjacked an older couple and the male was killed. His corpse behaved as did the other male. These things are on the loose again, so please be careful.” Valerie thanked the good doctor and assured him that she would take proper precautions. She considered various authorities she might contact but ultimately determined: “Nope! Have to do this myself. Earl, Lacy, where are you when I need you?” She said as she gathered her emergency tools, some provided to her by Uncle Earl by way of his connections with Sheriff Cloud and headed out into the night. She had a notion as to where the creatures may be going. **** * **** “It’s down that way, I can like feel it, man.” Daffodil unnecessarily informed her friend, who could feel the same mental “tug” toward the vehicle of their entombment. “The shitty, I mean, City Police Storage Yard.” She laughed at her weak joke a little harder than it warranted. It was a stress laugh and Wanda joined her, “Yeah, well I’m tired of all these like, law enforcement types. That trooper we turned was more like the Pigs from when we were young. They got better ones these days, but not that guy. Let’s face it Daffy, even fifteen years ago, we didn’t look as stunning as we did the day before Woodstock started, but he tried to rough play us anyway.” They shared a more sinister laugh that turned to savage growls in memory of events past. FIFTEEN YEARS BEFORE PRESENT “Awww, Maaannnn!” Weasel exclaimed. “Heads up, we’re getting stopped.” He said to Daffodil and Wanda. They drove a recently liberated sedan while Raisin followed in the van, which was loaded, indeed packed, with recently acquired loot. Wanda in the back seat, peered over her shoulder at the dazzling red and blue flashing lights and the alternating headlights that pierced her sharp night vision. “Looks like a state trooper, don’t count on any slack dude.” They pulled over to a darkened area of the wide improved shoulder and the state vehicle pulled in behind them. The trooper canted his vehicle slightly and stopped so that his passenger side headlight flashed annoyingly into the rearview mirror of the sedan and his driver side headlight equally washed out the view in the driver side mirror. Shortly, a lean man stepped from the police vehicle, put on a hat, and began to stalk toward them. He briefly touched the trunk as he passed it and shined his flashlight into the back seat and Wanda’s eyes. She flinched and held up her hands to block the painful stream of light. He stopped at the driver side door and shined his flashlight into Weasel and then Daffodil’s eyes, blinding each in turn but giving himself an advantage should the people he had just stopped try to attack him. “Good evening, I am Trooper Trujillo, the reason I stopped you…” After the introduction, he asked for Weasel’s driver license and proof of insurance. From long experience, “The Wease” had learned that when they liberated a vehicle from its living owners, they needed to find all the relevant documents. He had several driver licenses, a few from the recently deceased and a few that had been made by illicit providers. He selected one from a man of generally similar appearance whom they had drained less than a month prior and gave that, along with the insurance card from the glove compartment to the trooper. “Here you go, sir.” He put his hands on the steering wheel and looked straight ahead. Daffy and Wan Wan kept their hands in view. They knew how to keep law enforcers happy: don’t give them any reason to get scared. The trooper took the licenses back to his car and several long minutes afterwards, he approached them once more but stopped at the rear bumper. “Sir, step out of the vehicle. Approach me slowly and carefully.” He glanced at passing traffic as a way to communicate why he’d issued the instructions the way he had. Weasel, with no better choices, complied. He kept his hands visible and used them to partially shield his eyes from the still flashing lights and his face from the dash camera. Why won’t this dude turn off the front flashers? They usually do, man. He informed his internal dialog. “Is there like, a problem officer?” “Place your hands on the trunk sir, I am going to pat search you for weapons for your safety and mine.” Weasel again complied, and as the trooper placed hands on him and began to slide them around his body, the officer asked, “Are you carrying any weapons or contraband sir?” Weasel was ready for the question, “Uh, no man… uh, sir, I’m a peace lover.” “How is it that the name on your driver license and the name on the insurance card don’t match?” The trooper enquired. Weasel shrugged, as the trooper checked his belt-line, “I like borrowed it from my friend, ma… er, sir.” He gave the name that he recalled from the insurance card and the trooper nodded. When the trooper had completed his search, he side-stepped toward the passenger side and asked Daffodil to step out of the car. He directed her to stand on the passenger side by the rear quarter panel, so that she would not be visible to either Weasel or the dash cam, especially with the still flashing lights… at least from the waist down. With the front of his car turned toward the highway, what he did next was off camera. He asked Daffy about whether she had any weapons and as he ran his hands down her legs, he asked a few more standard questions about where they were headed, what they were doing, etc. When he ran his hands back up her legs, she discovered just what a creep he was. He paused at the junction of her thigh and hip and massaged her for a moment. She froze in shock and stiffened, her answer to his last enquiry immediately stifled. Before she could say anything, he stood and motioned to the back of their new car, “Okay ma’am, join the driver. Both of you keep your hands on the trunk.” He went through the same motions with Wanda, who was a little prepared by Daffodil looking earnestly into her eyes and silently mouthing, “He’s a freak!” A fact Wanda soon understood. She did not freeze up as had Daffy, since she’d been as prepared as possible. The trooper seemed to like that and patted her backside as he stood. On the side facing away from the camera. Creepy but clever, she seethed. She joined her companions. The trooper, after trying to convince them to open the trunk and voluntarily allow him to search the car, smirked, with his back to his own windshield, and gave up. He issued a citation to Weasel for some minor traffic infraction and sent them on their way. “I can’t believe he did that!” Daffodil screeched into Weasel’s ear. He flinched, “Did what? They don’t usually put their hands on she-males, but…” he didn’t get any further. “He felt us up Wease!” Wanda said emphatically from the back seat. She had her head turned to look out the passenger window with a distant look on her features, no doubt reliving some past similar trauma. “Why do you think he kept his lights flashing and aimed his dash cam to your side but kept us on our side?” Daffodil asked with slightly less volume. “He talked into his microphone like we were just having a conversation but all the while he was… groping his way to cop a feel.” Weasel sniggered a little, “Cop a feel? Seriously?” His companions did not see the humor and for the rest of the drive he was alternately harangued with speeches about “unwanted touching” and stony silences with occasional glares. He had the decency to sincerely apologize but they all knew that he would eventually use the “joke” again. It was in all their natures to remain as they had been in life. **** * **** Val drove in the general direction of the police department. She didn’t know the address of the storage facility or quite how vehicles were stored and handled as evidence. She knew only the “book” version from school. However, she had contacts at the PD and soon knew where to go. She had no idea how she was going to get into the lot and maybe have a look at the van, possibly even catch a look at the vampires, after hours on a weekend. There would likely be an attendant and officers would be bringing evidence all night long. She mused on what to do, I’ll play it by ear and plan to scout tonight but be ready for a crap-storm as Uncle Early called them.Always so polite in my hearing… Her thoughts threatened to go off in a distracting direction, so she shifted focus back to her surroundings. Her GPS informed her that her destination was two blocks ahead on the right. She did not notice the ratty old minivan that was parked in the shadows at the curbside. She saw that the front gate included a guard shack, but no one was immediately visible through the darkened glass. She continued on around the block to look for possibilities. She could wait until Monday, she had a good excuse to see the vehicle since Scott was her client, yet she felt in her gut that she needed to see the van without delay. She saw what she suspected was the vehicle storage area; it was a tall structure with metal roll-up doors, like the cargo area on Scott’s truck, a stray thought intruded. Wait, one of the doors is open but no light coming from inside. A horn blasted into her perception and she swerved back into her own lane, “Merde! I hate jump scares!” she declared emphatically to her internal dialog. Time to park and look on foot. She found a safe place to park on the roadside and pulled on her dark hoodie, gloves, and backpack. She already sported her belt pack with the smooth 9mm and extra magazines. She took hold of her small but very bright flashlight and began to walk around the outside fence. She had already driven around most of the back three sides and was near the street with the gate. It didn’t take long for her to reach it. She paused and looked carefully at the gate shack. It was still dark and definitely gave off a creepy vibe. She checked the gates and saw that the entrance gate was slightly ajar. It was on the track, but the lock plates had not quite touched. She wondered briefly if there was an alarm. It was too unusual, so she considered just calling the city Dispatch Office and getting some official help. Maybe I can get in with the rush, she pondered. Still, if I can take care of it, maybe I should… She stopped that train of thought. This isn’t like the Dogman and Werewolf stuff, she chastised herself: the vamps are dangerous, but they die easier and may still be a mystery to the “officials”.Besides, these things have the sense to flee official intervention. The responders will be okay, especially if I portray the vamps as meth-heads. She dialed and rapidly explained… **** * **** When Daffy and Wan Wan arrived at the property storage facility, it had taken them some time to recognize what it was. The signage was minimal, and it was the guard shack that gave them the clue they needed. “Let’s park down the street a little way.” Daffodil suggested. Wanda agreed, “Yeah, if we can get the van to roll, we may not need this heap. We should prolly change cars anyway.” They approached the guard station from down the sidewalk, walking at a normal pace, their improved eyesight allowing them to see that there was a single occupant in the structure. The windows were darkened but they were predators, so they could see clearly that the creature who was in their way was old, fat, and inattentive. He stared down at a brightly lit screen, grinning like a fool at some program he’d pulled up on his device. Wanda turned to Daffodil, “Can you believe that? I can hear the music: he’s streaming The Beverly Hillbillies. I remember that show, my parents loved it.” She said the last a little wistfully, she often wondered what had happened with her family, how they had responded when she did not return from the trip with her friends. What had they thought happened to her? They stood outside the booth for several minutes, silent and staring, it was a game they liked to play, plus they had to decide whether any noise would be heard by others or whether their actions would be observed. In the time they waited, not even one vehicle passed down the street. A few turned down the block, but none approached the gates. Eventually, Daffodil ran her long, thickened nails down the glass. They scored it and left four parallel trails. The attendant looked up. He was a retired-on-active-duty Sgt. Likely assigned to the light duty station because he was too decrepit to do anything else. He looked up startled, and then annoyed. He raised his voice to be heard through the glass, “This is Police Department property, continue on down the sidewalk ladies.” Wanda and Daffodil rendered their horrific smiles, all leering mouths, fangs and burning eyes in dark, sunken sockets. The man tugged at the pistol he wore, then decided that he should be outside the booth. He opened the door, which was on the opposite side from the two freaky women and stepped out. He intended to circle around to cover them, his pistol now out and at the ready. Yet they had circled the front of the booth, still outside the gates. One boosted the other over the chain link gate. She dropped to her feet on the inside and quickly ducked into the booth. “Hey! Get out. You can’t…” the old officer stuttered in confusion and in stress. He was cut off when Daffodil landed on him. She had scrambled up after Wanda, climbed onto the roof of the shack and jumped out and onto the old man. She heard the gate rumble behind her as Wanda at last found the controls and opened it a hand’s breadth. She began to laugh when she saw that the man had rolled back onto the ground, jerked and spasmed a few times, and then lay still, his pistol still grasped in one hand. “Fat old Pig died on us.” She giggled insanely. “Just as well, we’re already full and there will be no mystery, no reason for the other Pigs to look for anybody.” Afterwards, they crept around the facility until they found the garage. It took a while to find the right keys on the now cold body of the Sgt. but then they were able to unlock and raise the doors. They immediately found their beloved old VW Van. It was all but destroyed. They crept closer and sniffed at the gunky blood that had come from their long-time companion and part-time lover, Weasel. They paused and had a good long cry. If there was an alarm and anyone showed, they could always run or hide. This was a moment to excise the hurt they felt. They were no longer able to physically shed tears, but their cries were still heartfelt, as much as they were capable. After a while, they decided to search the van for necessities. It would be a while before they would be able to steal it back and get it repaired, but some of the items from when they were turned might give them some comfort and let them rest. There were plenty of creaks and pops and the rancid odor of petrol filled the air. They ignored all of that, they had come across a few collisions in their travels and had drained more than one crash survivor while accompanied by the smell of gasoline. It wasn’t like the movies, where cars exploded at the slightest bump, there had to be a spark to ignite the blaze and here was no trail of liquid fuel from the wreckage. After a while, they realized that no one would come into the facility in response to their presence and they relaxed, going through their possessions as they talked their way down memory lane. Their discussion was as much of a memorial service as Weasel and Raisin would get. **** * **** Val waited for a while after she’d disconnected from her call. Dispatch was busy with Friday night mayhem, so it might be a while. She stepped in closer to the booth and peered inside. She could see a monitor reflected on the inside glazing near the back of the booth. One of the small images, distorted by the angle, showed two figures standing outside a wrecked VW Van that sported simple flower images, now smudged by grime and scrapes. She did not hesitate, she put away her flashlight and drew her pistol, used her butt to open the gate, and glided smoothly into the property yard and toward the shadows near the garage. On the way, she noted the lump of a crumpled and dead body in the uniform of the city police. She knew what it was, she had seen similar remains. She recognized the profound stillness of death. She resumed her stalk toward the garage and found the unlocked, slightly opened garage door. There were no windows, but she could tell that the lighting inside was very dim. The vampires wouldn’t need it, but she was glad to have any way to see what she was doing. She heard muffled voices, old, dry, and a little creaky… feathery she thought, like dead leaves rattling together in an Autumn breeze. There was the noise of items being shifted, and then some gurgling giggles… no, the gurgling of a bong! These undead monsters were getting high! She switched to a one-handed grip and withdrew the present Uncle Earl had given her and had admonished her to use only in an emergency. She used her foot to get the garage door going upward on its rollers and as soon as she could duck inside, she did. She walked toward the van but, even in their inebriated condition, the vamps were alert. They piled out of the van and stood beside one another, arms akimbo, except that one still held the bong. They stood ready to take out the nosey mortal woman who looked too good for her own sake. Before Val could react, the bong hurtled into her head and she was knocked nearly unconscious, the pistol slid from her hand, yet she still gripped the flashbang, similar to the one that the Sheriff had given to Uncle Earl and that had saved his girlfriend Miriam’s life. She groggily removed the pin while keeping a tight grip on the device. She heard harsh laughter from the two undead creatures. “I love smashing pretty faces.” Daffy cackled in triumph. “Our looks faded, so why not hers?” Wan Wan enjoyed a cackle of her own, “Bong! Went the bong on the bitch’s head, like the Gong! of the bell… Hhmmm, can’t think of a good rhyme for ‘bitch’s’” She guffawed, “Like doesn’t matter, she lived pretty, but she’s gonna die bleeding.” Both women recovered from their sinister mirth as Valarie rolled onto her side and tossed the little device, then rolled away and curled into a protective ball. It sailed past the angry vampires and landed inside the van. Her back was to the undead women who laughed in victory, “Missed, pretty-bitch…” Daffodil snarled. Wanda turned to her friend to add a snarky comment, but they were engulfed in a fireball as the white-hot flash-bang ignited the fumes that emanated from the slightly opened fuel tank. The explosion was not terrific, but the fireball was. Val scrambled away from the intense heat as quickly as she could. The fire had singed her hair and the back of her jacket, but she was otherwise unharmed. Still, she wanted to get away from the heat… and the screams as the two hippie chics ignited and soon joined the hippie dudes with whom they’d been transformed from obnoxious youth into genuine monsters. They collapsed and soon were no more than twin piles of ashes smeared on the floor of the garage. Val climbed to her feet and put away her pistol. She left the building and made her way to the gate shack. She called in to Dispatch and asked them to add a fire truck to their response. **** * **** “Well, Mr. Wilson, it took some heavy-duty ‘splainin’, but we are now both cleared of any criminal wrong-doing.” Ms. Valerie Lefevre, esquire, informed her client. “Since you are cleared, it gives me a win on my experiment with criminal law, so I look good to the partners. The Police Chief, the District Attorney, the Sheriff, and Colonel Walters all agreed that I did the right thing in taking out the two ‘meth-monkeys’. That was the official story. No one wanted to talk about the bloodless bodies or Trujillo’s after-life activities. Turns out they were doing an internal investigation on him for some pretty bad actions he performed while he was still alive.” She brushed at the rapidly healing wound on her forehead, just to the right of her widow’s peak. It would make a thin pink scar that enhanced rather than detracted from her striking appearance once the itching stopped. She did not like the shorter hairstyle necessitated by removing the singed and stinking portions of her coiffure, but as Uncle Earl would say, “Don’t worry, it’ll grow back, long as you’re alive, you’re lovely.” Scott looked down at his lunch plate and shook his head, “I just can’t believe it. Real live… er, well, un-alive? Undead? Vampires. Freaky. That kinda stuff just shouldn’t be.” Val gave him an enigmatic smile, “There are more things in Heaven and Earth Horatio… er, Scott, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. Not the first creatures I’ve seen stalk from the pages of fiction right out into the bright light of day… well, into the silvery light of the moon. Yet there were some natural features that animated them. Surreal science, yet science all the same, not much of a supernatural factor as far as I can tell. I’m glad you are back to your long-hauls and I’m sure your family is as well. Please be safe and, speaking as a country girl who grew up on a highway frequented by logging trucks, don’t engine break when you pass private homes, it’s really loud.”
Hey everyone. I'm currently coming from a standard smartwatch from an off-brand company. I've started getting more into physical fitness with workouts and rowing, not so much with running. I also tend to golf on a semi daily basis (walking 18) with the use of a handheld rangefinder. I am completely unsure of which watch models to even consider. I know my cousin has an old s20 which he says works very well for golf but I don't want to have it limited to just that. I was also looking into whoop for the fitness tracking average of $30 a month is really steered me away from that. I'm mostly looking for something that will I have the body battery feature along with the possible crossover for golf GPS. I assume if it has the body battery feature it will already track pulse and sleep? Is that right? Is there a model that would fit this best? I wanted to try to stay away from the extremely bulky models as they can really interfere with a swing. On a side note excited to be here. I've really neglected my physical fitness for the past eight years or so due to schooling and look forward to advancing. I've also been eyeing up the scale that tells you body fat percentage and muscle mass percentage along with weight if anybody has any insights on that.
https://preview.redd.it/dhmutrvdj8j51.jpg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=dc10bdee84e464ef99b7149c964e266f7b9cbbca tldr My first tri, an olympic distance, and I did the race solo. A week out from my race it was canceled due to the virus so I went to a local park and completed it myself. I spent the last two years deciding to get in shape and improve my health. I tend to set goals and work towards them, it's what works for me. A few major fitness goals, including previous tri goals, were cut short due to a number of different reasons, but this time I wasn't going to let that happen. This race was difficult for me, and more so than I expected. Although I think it was due to me not preparing properly in the week and days leading up. I never adjusted my sleep for waking up early, I ate terribly, and I drank alcohol two nights earlier. I think this really hurt my performance but I still managed to complete it. The route I used for running and biking had more elevation then I was used too and the largest hill had a blind turn at the bottom so I had no momentum climbing back up. I used the first eight weeks of a twenty-week 70.3 training program. I am now planning on finishing out this training program and racing in Texas 70.3. Full About two years ago I was finishing up my degree and I found myself fat, out of shape, and smoking cigarettes. I decided to start running, biking, and lifting. I considered possibly looking into triathlon. I was a lifeguard in high school, how hard could it be, I would learn later I was not a great swimmer. That next spring I signed up for a race, a sprint race at the university I had graduated from. However, the weekend before my closest friend past away in a tragic accident, and I skipped town on race weekend with a few friends to get away after all the chaos. Fast forward to last fall. Running had taken over. I wanted to sign up and run a half marathon before the end of fall. I started a training program, first time I had used an actual program for anything other than weight training. I was improving immensely at a rate I had not done since I first began running more than a year earlier. Unfortunately for me, I injured my foot and a sorta failed relationship left me sitting on my couch. Weightlifting, my new passion, or at least it was last winter. I was heading to the gym four to five times a week and was revisiting a program I had used in my past which I found amazing progress while using for a few months. I never enjoyed running in the cold and I figured I would let my foot recover as much as possible. I had made a number of friends at the gym and it started to become a life style, one I enjoyed. I was about two and a half weeks out from completing my program and having another round of maxing out my lifts to see how far I came during winter. Then the virus struck and the gym closed. I would attempt at-home workouts, but it turned out the people I knew at the gym and the friends made a huge difference. Mid to late June I realized how terrible I felt. I work a desk job so I pretty much sit in my house all day and dont move around. I golf probably once or twice a week, so I basically was a couch potato through the first half of quarantine. One day I sat down and decided to change my lifestyle, again, but I knew I needed a goal, something to work towards. I recalled a local triathlon in my area in mid August. I looked it up and sure enough it was going to be August 16th. They offered a a sprint distance and an olympic distance. I was confident in being able to accomplish a sprint tri but I was not sure about the olympic. I was more or so worried about the swimming as I knew I could grind out a run and a bike. I decided to sign up for the olympic and really worked my butt off in the pool. I went online to search for free training programs but they were all designed for twelve weeks or more and I only had eight. At first I panicked and wasn't sure what to do. I settled on using a 70.3 plan that was a twenty-week program and just start from day one and worked my way through eight weeks. So I set out and began training. I completed nearly all my training session and almost all of them to one hundred percent what was assigned, only stopping early due to signs of overwork a few times. I was ecstatic entering the last week of training, but then I received an undesired email. It turns out the city refused the permits the race coordinators asked for due to the virus. Again my plans appeared to collapse. However, this time I decided to finish. I decided to complete the race on my own. I never cared too much about time, I more so wanted to prove to myself I could complete an olympic tri. My swimming had improved greatly and I had honestly felt that it had become my strongest sport of the three, although I'm not the fastest. I used a local park which contained a decent sized body of water used for kayaking and canoeing, and it had a road which looped around the water clocking in at roughly 1.8 miles. My parent actually came to support me and act as my pitstop for water and food. I used a swim buoy to assist me on my swim, cause I didn't want to drag any of my friends out to the park to kayak along with me, and I was pleased with how I practically didn't notice it was on me while I swam. I'm a little puzzled how the swim took such a long time for me to complete. I honestly think the gps in my 935 doesn't track open water well. I've only used it twice but it lags. I'll stop and I can watch the distance begin to catch up on the screen. The bike was surprisingly painful. The park loop was a little hilly. The hills would not have been an issue if it wasn't for one hill in particular. The hill was very long but not steep, and what goes down must go up, or at least that how this loop behaved. However, at the bottom of this hill regardless the direction you traveled was a sharp blind turn. So I would have to break, slow down to make sure I could make the turn, but also stay wide incase a car happened to be approaching from the other side, which I could not see. I would lose all my momentum from the decline, before the turn, long before I had even traveled half way up the hill on the incline. I was gassed the first trip up the hill and I realized I would need to make that journey another thirteen times. It was rather miserable near the end. The run wasn't terrible mostly because I dont remember much. By the time I began to run it was well in the low nineties with an even high heat index and insane levels of humidity. I'm usually one to run all the way through a given distance, but I would be lying to say I didn't stop and walk periodically. My second of three laps it poured down rain for five minuted and then the sun returned for my last mile and a half. I was practically running in a steam room. But damn it felt good to finish the race. literally years in the making. I hate it took me so long, but I never thought I would hop straight into an olympic distance. A few thoughts I had afterwards and future plans. To start, I didn't prepare at all in the correct fashion in the week leading up to the race. I had a lack of sleep coming into the race cause I should have been slightly adjusting my sleep schedule but I didn't. The night before the race I laid down early but naturally I was nervous, I maybe had four hours of sleep at best. I also didn't eat clean the day before, and my largest meal was dinner which I should have made lunch. I also consumed alcohol two nights before the race at my rec volleyball league. I wasn't hungover the day before but I know the alcohol affects my sleep and dehydrates me. I learned my lesson from these failures because my race was more difficult than I expected. As far as going forward. I looked at this 70.3 training plan I had been using and if I finish it out, it is a twenty-week plan, it'll lead me to an actual 70.3 race. I plan next week to sign up for Texas 70.3 and I am now training for my first half. Thanks to everyone on this sub, you all have taught me an incredible amount of knowledge in the past couple years.
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