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Previous chapter (RETRO COSMOS)
​ #2 - THE TWISTED HEIST ​
A star had just gone out in the distance, sending its entire system, planets and moons, into oblivion. So, what was a simple life compared to a sun? Did the human existence that earthlings highly cherished in the past deserve so much fuss?
I would say no, of course, because I’m a cat. Our condition to us felines will never have to pale in front of a shiny astronomical object. Mine specifically, don’t you think?
Oswald Avery was merely a Homo sapiens. A retired buccaneer, fermenting his adulterated wine on the carcass of a drifting supercargo; all under the remodeled features of a former Galactic Trade Company’s pilot. Alas, regardless of the genetic disguise, the FID rarely lied. It hadn’t fooled us and the masks had fallen off. Just like him.
I’m such a poet.
Anyway… Avery had had a long life of crimes and adventures. He was full of energy in his youth. And as in the universe, nothing is lost, nothing is created, everything is transformed, this energy was reincarnated in a nice amount in our bank account once the old picaroon flatlined.
“We finally got it! And it was a traditional Martian contract. Payable remotely, on condition that the FID is validated. How about that?”
“God… Lee … you’re talking to yourself and it’s only 8 a.m.,” Ali grunted behind me.
My couch potato of an associate had her head still stuck in the cereal box she was nibbling before falling asleep binge-watching Captain Caveman on ABC.
“To begin with, it’s 8 p.m., Martian Time. And we do have a positive balance in our bank account for the first time in months! Do you know what that means, partner?”
“Shopping, bitches!” she shouted as she hurled herself into the void, gliding to the bathroom in the weightlessness.
With the cardboard box on the top of her head, this sugar bishop was swimming after the remnant cereals that floated on her path like Ms. Pac-Man.
“Hell! Have I just opened Pandora’s box?”
The liner Danaë and its forty-eight post-nuclear Baltimore-XVIII heavy reactors made its annual cruise from Lunapolis to the suburbs of Ceres, in the belt. Its figurehead with the effigy of the Greek princess was a two hundred meters long, green ceramic statue. The size of the ship exceeded some inhabited asteroids’ diameter so it possessed its own substantial gravitational field.
“It’s quite a symbol of the decline of humanity,” I said to Ali, pointing with my chin at this unique work of art.
“Why?” my partner asked without caring whatsoever. “Spill the beans, Plato.”
The Kitty had obtained permission to dock and began its approach. I concluded then:
“Humanity no longer erects great and beautiful things without turning them into a shopping mall.”
The gold and ivory Danaë was one of the most luxurious epicenters of human decadence in the system; comprising hotels, casinos, megastores and amusement parks spread over a dozen centrifugal rings. There was something for everyone’s wallet, ready to be emptied, whether one was welcomed at the port or had joined during the crossing.
And to my great regret, the cape of the Danaë was just passing by us that week.
“I believe we should keep our savings for the maintenance of the Swallow. The dashboard lights up like a Christmas tree. Some parts need to be changed…”
“You’re such a bore with your adult talks,” my partner said as she left the fitting room of a luxury chain overlooking the main deck. “What do you think of that? Sexy as fuck, right?”
Her camisole didn’t hide a single inch square of flesh and I subtly pointed it out to her:
“It’s a bit of a back-alley Sally.”
I took a blow on the nose which, this time, was amply justified.
“There’s nothing chicer than Borderline. You don’t know anything about fashion. It’s crazy!”
She was furious. It was entertaining. But she was right. The human female fads were way over my head and I wasn’t a good adviser. Mostly because I didn’t care. At all.
Fortunately, the upscale shopping mall where we were staying had provided us with a free assistant who was even more servile than a decerebrate canine. As usual, the robot carrier that accompanied us did the job by flattering her with its unbearable honeyed tone:
“I find you charming, Madame. Here we have the latest fashionable lingerie on Mars. It’s an ephemeral collection that appears to have been specially made to mold your discreet curves, which seem to have been sculpted by the seraphim.”
Ali gave me a satisfied look that I pretended to ignore. Then she backtracked into the fitting room to put her black suit and pink jacket back on.
I took the opportunity to climb on the shoulders of this silly robot, servant of our servants and last link in this hierarchy whose origins go back to Ancient Egypt.
“One more move like this and I’ll turn you into a gum dispenser.”
The automaton apologized before my partner’s head emerged from behind the silk curtains which were far too fragrant for my taste.
“I just checked; it’s too expensive anyway. I ain’t buying it,” she announced. “Can you order a taxicab to take us to the hotels’ ring? You’d be a sweetheart.”
Happy to leave this irascible human with her robotic slave, I proceeded to the nearest service terminal. By the time I requested a vehicle, a flying cigarette dispenser could light me a Lucky.
“It’s forbidden to smoke in our store, Monsieur.”
The customer attaché, in his blue silk suit with elephant legs, had appeared out of nowhere. Yet, with such a shiny tie, this punk should have dazzled me from the Kuiper belt.
“Please be kind and get me a Pepper Coke instead of ruining my eyesight…” I grumbled in response.
I was in an awful mood. I definitely hated shopping. And people. Yet the pedestrian avenues of the Danaë had a very exceptional population density. Perms were making a strong comeback, as were neon tattoos and overly open flowered shirts. Under the false UVA/B sun, it was a true dance of flesh, steel and plastic bodies with assumed nudity. Implants and surgery erased the hazards of the genetic lottery for better or worse. It was so superficial. So futile. So human.
“Hello, handsome!” Ali cried out, a large smile across her face. “Lee? You didn’t tell me you knew Christophe Lambert! You know I'm a huge Highlander fan!”
My partner had just joined me, arms loaded with bags massive enough to live in it, start a family and park my chromic Pontiac Firebird. All were filled with C$400 t-shirts and sneakers that she didn’t need and would only put on once.
“No smell. Hologram,” I conclude by throwing my cigarette butt through the smiling ghost.
“Shame!” Ali sighed.
She then looked at her terminal, and continued:
“Do you think I have time to grab a watch module? There are sales in the Japanese aisle! I saw some GD-8 that would go well with my new Game Pocket! This boat is fucking rad!”
Ali could not stop humming Who wants to live forever. I had to rub my temples to avoid a migraine before the arrival of our taxicab five minutes later.
These were miniature limousines with double fake leather benches, facing each other at the back. There was a minibar with expensive multicolored drinks and sugar-soaked snacks, the sapiens’ primary source of calories and high Gs space travel drug. For the sensitive, the smart-fridge provided diet sodas with aspartame, but no one took it. Finally, there were free Gauloise cigarettes next to the ashtray on the armrest. And even Tylenol!
“What a time to be alive!”
Right after leaving the fashion district, a soft voice of a young woman, who appeared to us through the armored porthole separating her from her customers, finally emerged from the cockpit:
“Good evening! I’m Miss Meera. At your service. Hotel de Saint-Malo, correct?”
I nodded. She smiled at us. She was beautiful with her incredibly dark night metal skin that contrasted strongly with her silvery-white hair. She also had charming ivory eyes with absolutely no reflection. They were a mesmerizing void of light.
In fact, it was so rare to deal with a real person, and not an AI, that we engaged rapidly in a lovely and honest discussion with Meera. We were mostly talking about life on the Danaë. As she stated, the rules on board were very strict, even military. All was done to make sure that the customer had the most pleasant time at the expense of everything else. Finally, according to her, her condition wasn’t the most to be pitied in the cosmos. And she was fully satisfied with this precarious semi-nomadic existence.
“And what about you? Are you here on vacation or in transit for work?” she eventually asked. “What do you do for a living?”
Should we have told her that we were executing infamous people so Ali would collect expensive t-shirts and I could fulfill my nicotine addiction?
“Don’t get me wrong but I saw that you had a gun. Are you in the police… or are you pirates?”
It wasn’t the first time someone asked us this question. Although weapons were allowed on most ships and stations, it wasn’t wise to display them unless you were looking for trouble. Unfortunately, hiding such a large caliber under such a tight vest was a Herculean task.
“You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone”, simply quoted Ali, her forehead against the window covered with scented stickers.
Meera laughed before continuing:
“Very well, Al Capone. I understand that you’re not the type to let yourself be taken advantage of.”
The taxicab entered the central expressway after the water park then suddenly swerved violently to the left.
“What is going on?” I gasped.
After crushing the safety railing, we fell from one rotating bridge to the other in a frantic cavalcade. Judging by Meera’s swear words, this ride wasn’t part of the show.
Avoiding the stalls of an art market and a group of children coming out of an arcade, the driver finally managed to recover in extremis. It was about time, because within seconds we were passing through the transparent protective wall of the hotels’ deck.
“A thousand apologies! Another one of those mor… clients from the Middle System who doesn’t know how to use a rental car,” she shouted through the window. “Are you guys hurt?”
“No, thanks to you,” I replied, my tail spiked over my head, taped to Ali’s neck now decorated with bloody scratches.
Although my human forehead now had a bump on it the size of a golf ball, it was true that Meera had just saved our lives. This young girl had unsuspected driving talents despite taxicabs’ lack of handling. She didn’t belong here, playing the steward in a yellow circus uniform. This woman should have been a fighter pilot; or a NASCAR driver on Canyon Creek.
“In any case, here you’re almost in front of your hotel,” she replied. “You don’t have to pay anything, and I apologize again for the scare.”
From the outside, the taxicab now looked like a can of nutrigel after going through a crusher. Yet, it still worked. May God Darwin bless Venusian steel.
After thanking her, we wished Meera a good day. But the cockpit window suddenly went down on the passenger side. The smile of the driver had faded. She had tears at the corner of her white eyes.
“Wait!” she asked. “This weapon… do you really know how to use it?”
So, life on the Danaë wasn’t so sweet. As Meera explained to us in a secluded alleyway, a trio of criminals had come to threaten her a few days earlier, after finding she was a bodacious driver. They were preparing a heist in one of the flying city’s fifty casinos. The young woman was now ready to pay the price to settle the case.
“What is your opinion about this whole situation?” I asked Ali, once in our room, a small yet cozy suite whose glass walls overlooked the vacuum of space.
My human had applied a brownish ointment on her hump, which disappeared soon after, leaving only a slight pinkish hematoma.
“Meera said she would provide us with more details tomorrow. However, if she ponies up the cash, I don’t see why we would refuse. We ain’t mercs but these three guys must have a bounty on their heads. Let’s do our job, right?
“Indeed…”
All we had to do was wait for more instructions. Fortunately, it had been months since we had been able to take days off except on miserable gas stations full of drug addicts, implants scavengers and prostitutes.
After another morning of shopping, Ali went to the thalassotherapy center of the neighboring hotel. Her main occupation? Overeating sushi made by 3D nutrigel printing while getting massages.
Alas, I didn’t have the time to bask under the false sun of the lakeside resort and get my belly stroked. As a good captain, I had to go to the maintenance to fix the numerous damages of the Kitty. As always, the bill would be higher than expected.
Everything was orchestrated so that we would never hold a positive balance in this corrupted system. We had to chain contract after contract.
But Meera’s gig didn’t sound right. There was something I didn’t like and I couldn’t catch it yet. All my cat sensors were in the red. Unfortunately, the bounty hunter’s ones only saw the green of the bills.
Don’t judge me.
The young taxicab driver had finally contacted Ali again by holoconference in the early afternoon, shortly before I joined her at the exit of the tanning booths. Or as I called them: human toasters.
“Have you finished roasting like a Thanksgiving turkey?” I asked her as she plunged into the icy water of the adjacent basin, under the lustful gaze of a group of cadets from the Marine Academy.
“Meera will pick us up with a new taxicab in the hotel parking lot,” she whispered once back to me. “Alongside her, we will meet two of the criminals at the burglary location, shortly before midnight.”
“Go on.”
“We take care of these guys and we catch up with the last one: the band leader, in the storage cavities of the hangar reserved for the ship’s logistics. Below the last rotating ring.”
In Eve’s costume, Ali came out of the basin, not without deliberately drenching me. The water had a nasty chemical taste from being filtered day after day.
“Do you have any intelligence on these jokers?” I insisted while lighting a cigarette.
“The Broadway Gang. Three brothers. C$45,000 for the trio. We will also be able to recover at least C$10,000 of Techno-federal tax on their ship depending on its condition. Easy cash with the dollar credits that Meera promises us…”
Now sitting on the ledge, my partner splashed her feet to demonstrate her eagerness to head back swimming.
“Excellent! This will pay for the maintenance and allow us to save some money on our way to the belt.”
“Can I go now?” she asked, sliding back into the water.
“You may,” I had concluded before seeing her leave for her absurd wanderings that would fill her afternoon.
I myself was very busy making eyes at the wealthy guests of the hotel restaurant to glean a few pieces of Peking duck or juicy crabs. They were real farm animals from Mars. Not nutrigel. It was worth abandoning a little dignity aside.
With a full belly, I finally joined Ali in the middle of the evening. Arriving in the corridor of our suite, I crossed the group of cadets noticed near the swimming pool. They seemed tired but blissfully smiling as they just discovered the nirvana. And I knew why…
“Ali? Are you ready?” I said as I walked through the half-open bedroom door.
Her dressing gown had been thrown on the floor. Her gun and badge were resting on the bedside table against a giant bottle of Koala Springs soda and a pyramid of little Yoyo Mints.
To be honest, I expected a bigger mess.
“Gimme five minutes,” she replied while in the shower.
An hour later, we met Meera in the staff parking lot behind the recycling stations. Without further discussion, we joined the expressway in the taxicab. Between two noisy info-ads, the radio played Sweet Transvestite then the rest of the mythical Rocky Horror soundtrack.
“I wonder what Tim Curry’s up to these days,” asked Ali while browsing the intraweb on her implant.
“Being legendary as usual,” I answered.
Afterwards, the casino was in sight. But once on the forecourt illuminated by the gold and silver bulbs, we heard gunshots and screams. My partner and I quickly realized that this was a violent robbery rather than a modest heist.
“What the fuck, Meera?” Ali asked, turning to the porthole that separated us from the cockpit.
There was a hint of irritation in her voice.
Meera remained mute, her hands on the wheel and her gaze forward. In the rear-view mirror the young woman looked panicked.
The right door of the vehicle suddenly opened and two men sat down in front of us. They were wearing theater masks: the first was Melpomene, the sad grimace of tragedy; the second, Thalia, the twisted smile of comedy. Each brigand carried a huge metal block under his arm; drawers that were sure to be full of cash. On the other hand, they held their still smoking ZeG-4 machine guns even more firmly.
When they saw us, they both gasped, in unison:
“What the fuck, Meera?”
One… two. One… two.
Four holes in their faded tuxedo. Four bullets as big as a cat’s eye that silenced them forever, before slowly repainting the bench in red.
“What the fuck was that? You killed them!” Meera shouted this time, as she started the electric engine. “You had tasers at your disposal, you psychos!”
She had finally turned around. Her voice was quivering. She was no longer panicked, but angry.
The tasers must have slipped between the seats because I hadn’t seen them. My partner raised her eyebrows and it made me realize that their use had never been in mind.
“We’re bounty hunters, not 9 to 5 social workers!” continued Ali. “Now, you gotta motor, otherwise the cops will shoot our ass on the spot before we could even meet the third dude!”
Meera put her foot on the pedal and one could almost hear the noise of the thrusters melting the white asphalt.
“I can perceive the sirens, Ali,” I concluded before Meera entered the ring's external road reserved for logistic transport.
We then had the shortest car chase we had taken part in. The Danaë security forces may not have had the best elements in the system, but Meera’s talents didn’t give them a chance. We had crossed half a dozen rotative bridges to the rhythm of Take on Me, zigzagging between expressways and maintenance tunnels to arrive before the song ended at the deserted logistics hangar.
It was similar to a huge supermarket with honeycombed shelves. Each of these garages, dimly illuminated by red LEDs, housed a delivery or transport vessel. There was the most impressive fleet I had ever seen.
In one of the first level’s cells stood, between a set of clamps, a Swift-0 scout, from Peugeot Corp, with wings spread. The Swifts were small and very high-end single-seaters. They could be modified to integrate weapons systems, but their primary characteristics were velocity and evasion.
Leaning on the flank of the mono-turbine, the last of the three criminals, a tall blond man with a “Chevy Chase” prominent chin was looking down on the approaching taxicab.
“Were they planning to escape on that ship? The three of them?” I remarked when the vehicle stopped a few meters from the small vessel.
But Meera ignored me.
“Hand me the money, I’m going out. That was the agreement.”
The porthole opened at its base, allowing us to pass the steel cash drawers. Once the taxicab’s ignition was turned off, only their holographic numbers glowed in the dark.
“It’s all over if his cronies don’t stick their noses out of the car,” Ali replied, finally giving the second drawer away. “He’s going to figure out that it went south. He will kill you!”
Outside, the man was getting impatient. Blinded by the taxicab’s headlights, he came closer before exclaiming:
“Zéphyr, are you there? Where are my brothers? Security is closing all the departure modules. We will be stuck here, for fuck’s sake!”
He now had a gun in his hand. A machine gun identical to those of his companions currently bathed in their blood, nailed to the seats.
“Zéphyr? Wait… I know that name!” I meowed to myself.
The doors and portholes of the taxicab were locked. Ali and I were now stuck in the back with the two flatlined and most wanted criminals on the ship.
“Sorry guys, but I’ll handle the rest.”
Miss Meera, alias Zéphyr, smiled at us through the armored glass just before leaving the cockpit by the driver’s door.
“What a fucking piece of shit… Lee? Do you have a plan? I think the windows are bulletproof. I don’t feel like testing. Especially if it’s bouncing around with us inside, we will be turned into ground beef!”
“Did you forget who I am, my dear?”
I was already crawling under the seat, between a pair of Méduse shoes and half nibbled fried rat wings. It was time to demonstrate all my infiltration skills learned from Ninja Gaiden. Unfortunately, both the crab and the duck slowed me down and my belly remained for a few seconds stuck under the driver’s seat with my head on the brake pedal. How outrageous!
From the porthole, I saw Ali watching what was happening in front of us, near the ship. Our eyes met for a brief moment and I could read on her lips: “diet kibble”.
“Better off dead!” I shouted.
My paw reached the bottom of the dashboard, activating the mechanical opening of doors and windows. And, accidentally, the loudest horn in this dimension.
“My bad!”
My sapiens immediately jumped outside, pointing her gun to Zéphyr. Surprised by the thunderous din, her target pivoted towards us, uncovered, turning her back to the human with the magnificent chin and his ZeG-4 who yelled:
“What in the whole universe is that? Wait! I know her! Did you bring us bounty hunters? You were clearly planning to double-cross us!”
The man shouted and his gun produced a rain of bullets. It first hit the windshield of the taxicab, passing through the conductor compartment where I was. The rounds bent the windscreen, but it held. This wasn’t, however, the case for the hood, protecting the engine and the reservoir full of coolant, which ended up covering the seat and my face.
Fortunately, the sticky alcohol allowed me to escape from this trap and jump out of the vehicle through the window I had previously opened. But, once again, a fire ring enveloped the ZeG-4’s cannon.
“This is how I die…” I meowed, eyes closed.
I was violently tackled and hit the ground. Zéphyr had saved me at the last moment, just before bullets obliterated the front of the taxicab.
Other projectiles ricocheted off the metal money drawers on the floor and got lost in the ceiling, activating the fire sprinklers. This incident triggered a silent light alarm throughout the hangar while the mobster prepared a new salvo.
“Don’t hurt my pilot, you narbo!” roared my partner.
Ali, this time taken as a target, retaliated. She fired a single shot towards the rascal with a formidable precision. No one knew how to handle such a heavy gun as she did. She was my human. She was the best in her field: murder.
And I taught her everything. Almost.
The leader of the robbers tried to reload the magazine of his weapon, unaware that his heart had been punctured a few seconds before. Adrenaline was doing its job. But the blood loss caused by the explosion of the aorta at its base, near the ventricles, gradually stopped him in his gesture. His pressure dropped and the bloodstream no longer reached the brain sufficiently. He was already in a coma when his shoulders touched the ground. He was luckier than the average Joe and died a few seconds later.
“Is everything all right?”
My voice was trembling, still in shock from this disaster. I was wet and frozen.
Zéphyr got up with difficulty. Next to us, one of the metal drawers was opened, revealing a bunch of green bills and a much stranger booty: an eight-inch gold diskette with suspicious Chinese symbols.
Well… I couldn’t read them but Chinese symbols on stuff are always suspect, aren’t they?
But there were more important matters. Because my partner, on the other hand, stayed on the ground. Blood was dripping from her black suit and mixed with the clear firefighting fluid that was falling like an endless rain.
I tried to talk to her again but my voice was lost in a groan.
“Why are you whining, you big baby? It’s just blood.”
With her nose in a puddle, my sapiens smiled at me. Her left hand was compressing her abdomen. The bullet had passed through the external oblique muscle, far from the stomach.
It wasn’t that bad after all but she had scared me. And that deserved a scratch on the wrist that made her scream:
“What the fuck?”
“And the medical expenses? Have you thought about medical expenses? We don’t have insurance!”
“God, Uncle Scrooge! I hate you!”
“We won’t be able to fix the Kitty with your heroic outbursts!” I fulminated to mask my joy of seeing her in one piece.
“I will kill you, Muppet! I almost died! I don’t give a fuck about your rusty trash can which flies like a brick!”
It was true that we hadn’t had a fight for a long time.
“Guys…” intervened Zéphyr.
“What?”
Ali and I had spoken together.
“These three ruffians had planned to steal the diskette drive from me once I got back. I needed a hand, so… thank you… I guess.”
“You’re welcome,” my human answered dryly while sitting.
Although Zéphyr saved me, I didn’t share the same kindness:
“Wait, we’re not letting him go! Do you know who he is?”
Zéphyr. Prince of thieves. And yes, he wasn’t much of a princess either. Just an androgynous cyborg. A breakout king wanted throughout the entire system for his affiliation with the Data Brokers’ Guild. With an incredible bounty of C$800,000, she or he… whatever… was the knight of the brokers’ chessboard.
“I think we’ve had enough for today,” Ali said. “Unless you hope to go after him with these big fat guts of yours.”
“By the 79 moons of Jupiter, you shall pay for this, woman!” I meowed, angry.
My ears were backwards and my hairs were spiky. But soaking wet, it just made Ali and Zéphyr laugh.
Disgrace!
“He’s so cute when he’s furious,” he joked.
Now on his knees, the night-skinned androgynous was blotting Ali’s wound with a torn piece of fabric from his driver’s uniform.
“But more seriously, I need to go. With the bounty, you’ll be able to repair your vessel. As for the hospital fees, I will contact a good friend who will take care of you for free. She’s the ship’s chief medical officer.”
“Thank you,” I simply replied as he helped my partner get back on her feet.
“It’s the least I can do. I wasn’t interested in money. More important information is contained in this,” he said as he was picking up the floppy disk.
This golden diskette must have been worth a lot of cash for Zéphyr to play a taxicab driver to ensure coverage. I had perceived that something was fishy!
Then, halfway to his Swift-0, Zéphyr stopped. I witnessed his hesitation.
“There was nothing personal, you know. We’re all just trying to make our way. The best we can…”
And he ultimately left before adding:
“Maybe we’ll see each other again! You seem like fun.”
Before fleeing away, Zéphyr abandoned one of the boxes near the criminal’s corpse. Thus, he validated the theory of a robbery that had gone wrong. When the security arrived a few minutes later, we were the heroes of the day. And with a little bribe, nobody cared about Zéphyr’s missing ship.
This whole story surely left us a bitter taste. A feeling of defeat and humiliation that the swimming pool under the synthetic sun couldn’t make disappear even a week after.
“He undoubtedly played us as we were rookies, with his little face of a young innocent girl in distress,” I said to Ali right after the end of the daily Brett Maverick.
This old show was dispensed on a couple of giant screens suspended by drones.
Until now, Ali had remained silent on her deckchair; with a brick of sour juice stuck between her breasts and a pair of straws between her teeth. Only inaudible grunts emanated from her mouth since the departure of the sexually unclassifiable mugger.
“I wonder what information this fucking cyber-Tootsie could have been looking for in that casino,” my human mumbled as she squeaked her rainbow flip-flops.
“Admit that it’s not really that question that puts you in such a state…” I answered, now well installed on my motorized buoy that I had gotten as a gift in a diet kibbles package.
“You bet! I will have a nasty tan mark on my stomach with these bandages!” she exploded, spitting out her plastic straws with infinite curls.
My float slipped towards the ledge as a robot came to bring us our next glucose overdose.
Ali finally added:
“I swear that if we run into him again, I’ll smack his fucking angel face.”
Back to business!

I don't want to bore you all so please take a look at my thoughts on some pretty cool films! I watched ~91 movies this year and beginning January 1 I decided to keep a list and write a review if I felt inspired or didn't write one if I was too high or lazy. The list is a combination of movies that came out in 2020, movies I had never seen before, and some movies that needed a rewatch.
I am by no means a professional critic but only an incredibly passionate fan that likes to think I have a good eye! Comment if you agree, comment if you disagree, just comment so I have something new to think about some of the films.
As a quick note, this post is essentially a rip-off of a post done by u/BunyipPouch that can be referenced here: https://www.reddit.com/movies/comments/eh71gy/i_saw_192_movies_in_theaters_in_2019_here_is_my/ . I really like the way this person outlined their list so I'm pulling a Quentin Tarantino and stealing their idea! Without further ado:
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Arrival - 10/10 Confirmed my favorite movie of all time. Watching for what might be the 7th time made me realize the strength of a feeling that movies can give you. Having a favorite movie doesn’t mean it is the best movie, but the feeling you get when watching your favorite movie has you wanting to chase that feeling in every movie you see. Certain aspects are unexplainable but all I know is there is something about this movie that gets to me every time I watch it. Maybe it’s the decision she makes to live out the life she sees in front of her even though it leads to extreme heartbreak. Maybe it’s the daring concept of alien life in what is almost such a real depiction. Maybe it’s the idea that time really is a shiftable construct that we may have the power of utilizing. Whatever it is, it leads to extreme beauty and an indescribable feeling.
Parasite - 10
Spotlight - 9.4 A near perfect 10/10. This isn’t a typical movie that should be judged by the acting or camera work, but by the ability to progress and tell a sick and twisted story. The layers are peeled back with each scene, revealing a new horrific aspect about the size of the case, the attempt to cover it up, and the sickness of the individuals involved. The scope of the story can cause an emotional reaction at multiple points and makes you see the pain that the victims have gone through without leaning too much on showing this actual pain.
2001: A Space Odyssey - 9.4
1917 - 9.3
Gone With the Wind - 9.3
Waves - 9.2 There are so many interesting aspects of this film that make it unique and almost fantastic. Firstly, it is almost equally an experience of sound as it is of color and visual (hence ending on Alabama shakes’ Sound and Color). The soundtrack uses modern rap and R&B hits in an effective way and not in the way of trying to impress the audience with good music. Secondly, the emotional scenes are so genuine and the directing style is not aggressive so you can feel the emotion with the characters. The moment of Emily seeing her bf hug her dying father, causing her to walk away bursting into tears and trying to find the words to say to her parents over text, is beyond heartbreaking and done so well. The demise of her brother is depressing and felt exaggerated but goes to show that life can take crazy turns. Loved it.
Soul - 9.2 Such a beautiful film that I did not expect to move me the way it did. The film tackles incredibly deep and metaphysical questions with such ease that it makes the directing and everything about the movie feel even more genius. At times it struggles between being a movie for kids and trying to answer life's toughest questions, but overall tells a beautiful story of just living to live.
Sound of Metal - 9.2
The Lighthouse - 9.2 Oh my god. I don’t really know what to say but this movie made me feel things and that feeling is hard to find. I don’t want to rate it.
The Social Network - 9.2
Pain and Glory - 9.1
Dear Zachary - 9 Never cried more in a movie as this is what the heaviest loss looks like. The sheer passion and commitment that Kate and David have toward honoring their son and being good people is astounding and incomprehensible at times. I’ve never hated someone so much in my life before and felt so strongly about the need to live and do good. It is easy to be broken after something like this happens to you but the awe-inspiring love and devotion that these people have for this family is one of a kind. Please watch this if you need to cry.
The Tree of Life - 9
Ferris Beuller’s Day Off - 9
Midsommar - 9 I don’t even really know what I watched but I know it was genius.
Gladiator - 8.8
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring - 8.8
Steve Jobs - 8.7 Shot in 3 unique stories, this movie is able to give you the spirit of Steve Jobs without needing to explain historical information like many biopics would. Faasbender is spectacular and creates the essence of Steve Jobs perfectly as someone who is utterly devoted to better the human race no matter the cost it brings to those around him. The editing is impressive with so many quick cuts and blending the shots to feel like a singular story. You walk away impressed with the legacy jobs left behind, the heartbreak of him not being around to further the human race, and the harsh reality that he was not a flawless human.
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button - 8.7 This film is really in a category of its own, not because it’s the greatest movie ever made, but because of how unique each of the elements are. Fincher takes his signature style of directing and combines it with a Tree of Life storytelling narrative and a Steven Spielberg/James Cameron style of creating a classic feel good drama. Overall, it’s core is designed to make you accept life for what it is, even if this is particularly a positive spin on life and its consequences.
The Grand Budapest Hotel - 8.7
Frances Ha - 8.5 It is such a realistic depiction of struggling New Yorkers without the emotional breakdown. You never really see her lose her shit even when she seems to be going crazy. I hated in the moment the separation of Greta and her best friend because of the somewhat abrupt change in Sophie’s character, but they have a nice full circle reunion. The performances are fantastic and the film has a certain air to it as if Baumbach wants you to realize that what you are watching is not real life while trying to make it seem as real as possible. Definitely a unique film that has minor flaws but overall shows a meaningful journey of a New Yorker trying to find their way.
Almost Famous - 8.5
Bridge of Spies - 8.5 Steven Spielberg has centered his masterful directing skills into telling real life stories without the need for too much artistic involvement. Movies like Vox Lux and The Lighthouse capture you with artistic involvement, but Spielberg has learned how to capture you with immaculate storytelling of historical events. If you are ever interested in learning something new, Spielberg will not disappoint.
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King - 8.5
The Other Guys - 8.5
Drive - 8.5
Munich - 8.4 This is an action film that takes away the historical cliches of action films and adds a layer of raw truthfulness. Spielberg uses his gift to inform people of a momentous story that affected Israel and the Jewish people without adding any propraganda-like elements to make you pity them or be completely one sided. The story is horrifically true, and Spielberg does not hold back on any of the details. The acting is solid and provides an emotional look into the consequences that come with facing terrorists both for a nation and for an individual.
Ad Astra - 8.4
Okja - 8.4 So goddamn high please don't hurt the animals.
Wedding Crashers - 8.4 You sandbagging son of a bitch
Blade Runner - 8.3
Crash - 8.3 Incredibly powerful and socially relevant, this movie was necessary during these times to artfully show the systematic racism engrained in society. The acting performances are stellar, particularly Thandie Newton, and Haggis’ directing is perfect to convey the raw emotion in each scene.
Spirited Away - 8.3
Blade Runner 2049 - 8.3
Kill Bill Vol. 1 - 8.3
Enemy - 8.2 Such an interesting and gripping movie that didn’t seem to make a lot of sense but I imagine a second watching would provide more insight. Gyllenhal is truly something else and should be treasured. Villanueva is so good at creating his own world and creating such a uniquely shot film with moods and coloring.
Good Time - 8.2
Snowpiercer - 8.2
The Town - 8.2
5 to 7 - 8.1 Luckily I was in the mood for a rom com but this had its own unique air to it as of course there were cheesy parts, but they were not delivered in a cheesy way. Once over the fact that someone essentially like me could find themselves in this sort of relationship, I could actually begin to root for them and understand how something like this could work. There are some amazing lines that I should go back and write down for when I want to pursue someone, and the holistic narrative of the film is done very well. There is nothing special from a directing standpoint, but his simple approach at least allows the story to progress without any complications from a camera perspective.
Oceans 11 - 8.1 The heist movie of all heist movies. You show me a young Brad Pitt and George Clooney and I’m not sure there’s a way to fuck that up. There are obviously cliche moments and the impossibility of actually pulling this off is sometimes too ridiculous (they throw glow sticks into a hidden elevator shaft to a vault), but overall wonderful to watch.
Jojo Rabbit - 8.1
Philadelphia - 8 Led by the incredible acting of Hanks followed by the emotionally gripping plotline, Philadelphia is able to tell the story of not just one gay man’s plight with aids and the repercussions socially and physically, but of an entire minority’s struggle with acceptance. The directing is very understated in a way that pays off considering the story development should be at the forefront of the film. Incredibly heart-wrenching and is clearly an important film to giving a voice to gay Americans.
Uncut Gems - 8 The Safdie brothers have a particular way of filming/directing that creates an environment of entertaining stress that is able to grip your attention for the whole film. I love the connection between the opal gem and Howard as the movie begins and ends with that connection through his body. Sandler was absolutely snubbed and perfectly portrays what it’s like to be an addict and constantly on the run.
Molly's Game - 8
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers - 8
Jaws - 8
Love Actually - 8
Cruel Intentions - 7.9 A glorified soft-core porn featuring a young Reese Witherspoon? Yea, you could say I liked it.
Knives Out - 7.8 An all star cast and provides enough mystery to keep the plot moving seamlessly. It’s a very interesting film for a murder mystery as they reveal what would typically be the biggest piece of info quite early in the movie, but there are more layers that need to be peeled back. The reveal is very clever and was not too outlandish, but I think they could’ve done more to make it even more shocking. Aside from that it’s a fun film and is worth the watch.
Rise of the Planet of the Apes - 7.8 In what was a surprisingly enjoyable movie, planet of the apes takes an Avatar approach and gets you to root against the humans. The montage of the ape growing up is done concisely but effectively and allows you to connect with him while remaining entertained. There are obviously some cheesy aspects and not a lot of character development outside of the ape, but I left feeling like I could watch a sequel.
Tenet - 7.8 I love Nolan but I struggled at times to keep up even with my eyes glued to the screen.
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World - 7.8
Booksmart - 7.7 In what can be assumed to be an ode to the Superbad films of the late 2000s, Booksmart successfully keeps you entertained primarily driven by strong performances from Kaitlyn Dever and Beanie Feldstein. They have a clear chemistry that is never doubted and play the perfect duo of extroverted smart high school kids that are finally ready to rebel. There are scenes that are a bit predictable and slightly lazy in writing in order to move the story along that I’m choosing to nitpick over (dever creating a “diversion”, using the pizza guy as the free get out of jail card), but once the little things are accepted the greater story can be appreciated. The movie has the particular feel of Superbad in which you know you’re going to see some outlandish things on the journey that will lead to laughs, but will ultimately lead in a coming of age lesson in a heartwarming way.
Out of Africa - 7.6 "You’ve ruined it for me, being alone."
10 Things I Hate About You - 7.5
Zodiac - 7.5
Frozen - 7.5
The Interview - 7.5
Casino Royale - 7.5
Skyfall - 7.5
The Talented Mr. Ripley - 7.4
Tron Legacy - 7.4
Palm Springs - 7.3
Borat Subsequent Moviefilm - 7.2 The hype was too much to overcome but Cohen really did a nice job of bringing back the classic and presenting Borat in a 2020 world. It’s genius filmmaking to have someone like Borat show America what America is really like as you can look in the eyes of a racist foreigner.
Don’t Worry He Won’t Get Far On Foot - 7
Quantum of Solace - 7
The Perks of Being a Wallflower - 6.9 The cheesiness makes it shocking that it was released as late as 2012 but overall its an interesting story clearly coming from a novel with strong themes.
Loopers - 6.9 I liked having seen Loopers, but it’s not a must see movie. The ending was creative and definitely saved my overall opinion of the movie.
Have a Good Trip - 6.9 Never forget the power of psychedelics and how these icons have had crazy trips. Carrie Fisher is your new favorite.
Coachella Documentary - 6.9
The Gentleman - 6.9
Jurassic Park - 6.9
About Time - 6.9
Spider-Man Far From Home - 6.8 Probably the worst of the new Spider-Man movies but still provides great visuals with interesting hero concepts. There is definitely a lull in the middle and there are some scenes that make you appreciate Marvel, but otherwise just another solid movie from marvel.
Oceans 13 - 6.7 While entertaining and still shows you Pitt and Clooney, there are definitely more annoying aspects and less intriguing storylines.
The Social Dilemma - 6.4 Obviously a very important topic that should have more documentaries like this one, but really overplayed some of the dangers in a dramatic/theatrical sense.
Ford Vs. Ferrari - 6.2 Not gonna lie, while the story itself is enthralling and a unique part of history, the “studio” feel of this movie took away from much of my enjoyment. I feel bad that Bale and Damon had to be in such a studio made film because they both put on great performances. Bale can do anything he wants and crush it. The way they vilify certain aspects is comical and the cliches are tough to get by, but there are some great action shots of the races and powerful scenes where bale is doing the heavy lifting.
Long Shot - 6.1 Definitely some funny and witty jokes, but overall it’s mediocre. I didn’t hate it and actually enjoyed many of the aspects, but no need to say much more.
Air Force One - 6 Patriotic in the most 90s way possible, with Harrison Ford as president, evil Russian bad guys with mustaches, and an essentially all white cast, Air Force One is a hidden American propaganda film. The movie was funnier than anticipated because of the classic Harrison Ford trope of constant survival and the dramatic set ups to make the wins look even more unbelievable. Either way, hard not to love Ford as the president of the USA and almost made me proud to be an American by the end.
Meet Joe Black - 6 With a 100% white cast and overall 90s feel to the movie, it’s hard to rate this movie “fairly” as if it had just come out in 1998. But I like the idea similarly to Tree of Life in terms of looking over your life and making sure you have lived it completely without any regrets. However, acting is mediocre and I didn’t realize how much I hate the typical 90’s businessman in movies.
Andre the Giant - 5.8
Fury - 5.5 This was definitely a disappointing letdown. Expectations were definitely high going in but the horrible special effects and mediocre acting made this tough to be invested by the end.
Armageddon - 5
Back to School - 5
Cougar Hunting - 4.9

• The negatives

People were letdown by the fact that the island is not freemode, as the heist is setup it would break the scope out. The island wouldn't be worth it to be freemode as it's not as interesting as I thought it would be.
The Cayo Perico island is small. The most prominent spots of interest is the party area, two docks, an airstrip, the main compound. The overall look of the island is rural and poor but the compound is mission revival architecture. So it's an island. In the mid tropics it's going to be covered in plants.
The plants are made out of concrete and to do the heist stealth its impossible to navigate the island. In my first scope out mission I spent the first half hour of the Cayo Perico dlc swimming around the island trying to find a way in. A thumbs down on the invisible walls and plants.
The lag is bad on the island. With so much vegetation rendering its impossible to hit a smooth framerate. The island is rendered in a freemode lobby. Often in a full lobby which makes gameplay a slide show at times. I have the one x and it's noticeable I can't imagine what it's like on base Xbox and Playstation.

• The positives

The submarine, heist, and Pavel are really cool.
Pavel. I really like Pavel instead of Lester he has a good personality and it is a big change from Lester. Lester is baller but hes burnt out and I'm glad someone else is helping us with the heist.
The Kosakta submarine is reletively cheap at a base price of 2.2 million. Fully upgraded the submarine costs an upwards of 9 million. Honestly the only upgrade worth investing in is the Sparrow and the missile upgrade. Everything else I consider not a necessity. You can also drive the sub which I was surprised by. For 10k, after heist 2k, you can fast travel to various spots of the map.
The heist. This is the best heist to have released, in my strong opinion. Sure the base heists started everything and they will remain as a legend. The Cayo perico is better than the Diamond Casino and the Doomsday Heist.
The Cayo Perico heist is solo, cheap, easy, approachable, and with a great payout two solo heists will pay for the sub and sparrow upgrade.
For what seemed days you'd play a series of heists. Friends wouldn't always be on, randoms are dumb and stupid. Doing heist setup missions were impossible. But then the diamond casino heist came out with freemode setup but you still needed people for the heist. With Cayo perico you can do everything solo and relatively quickly. It's quicker than the diamond casino.

• Summary

Even though people were let down this heist is still changing the game extremely, players can make 1.6 million in about an hour with this heist. That's crazy. Looking past the letdowns and lack of content this is really nice.
If you're new save up for the Kosakta and buy that instead of a facility or arcade.

Here is what I’ve learned from doing the Cayo Perico Heist. Obviously, since the update is so new take this information with a grain of sand since there is so much more that could be discovered.
For my heist attempt I did the following: -completed solo -scoped out all secondary targets, points of interest, etc. -successfully completed the disruption missions that would weaken weapons, armor, and buzzards -chose the sniper and ap pistol load out with silencers -paid for a recon drone and a munitions drop (that had a mini gun, rpgs, and sticky bombs) -attempted a stealthy approach before I was discovered in compound -entered via grappling hook to the south wall -stole a guards outfit that got rid of my scuba gear (if exiting via kosatka and you’ve been discovered, I wouldn’t recommend stealing guard uniforms because when you’re trying to escape to the sub you don’t have unlimited air and you’re being attacked by patrol boats) -I attempted the heist at night
An important note: during setups for every heist, equipment such as bolt cutters, grappling hooks, guard outfits, and supply truck locations will change each time you do the heist. In other words, don’t assume you’ll be able to go to the same location every time for a grappling hook. It will most likely be different. This goes the same for secondary targets such as weed, coke, cash, etc. scoping out every time is key.
Now when I did the heist, I started by tackling some of the secondary targets like cash, coke and weed first so if I was discovered I wouldn’t have to try and steal it under fire. Since I was doing it solo, I wasn’t able to steal paintings or gold or anything in the compound lockup’s because they require two people to swipe a keycard at once (similar to the diamond casino heist). In regards to secondary targets I learned: -coke pays a lot but takes up a lot of space in the bag. If doing heist solo, I’d recommend filling the entire bag with coke and it’ll be around a $400,000 bonus profit (this can vary) -cash takes up about a quarter of your bag and pays slightly less than weed PER STACK but a full bag of cash will pay more than a full bag of weed -weed takes up about a third of the bag and pays more per stack but a full bag of weed pays the least -paintings I’m assuming would take up less space in the bag and pay more but again I don’t know because I couldn’t steal them solo. -gold I’m assuming would work similar to cocaine in the sense that it takes up the most space in the bag but pays the most
When sneaking to the compound I found: -there are obviously more guards -the camera sweep areas instead of focusing on just one location (this problem was easily disabled by shutting down the islands power. NOTE: shutting down the islands power doesn’t include the compound. The cameras and lights in the compound itself run on a different generator) -killing guards on towers is very simple and provides maximum benefits. They won’t be something you have to avoid and they could be a problem if they discover you in the compound and need to make a quick getaway. -there are four patrol vehicles with only one person in them. I recommend taking these out whenever they pass by you with a suppressor just to make things easier. -in the compound, there are obviously a lot of guards. If you successfully did the disruption missions to weaken weapons, armor, and buzzards, there will be one juggernaut and one personal bodyguard who can’t be fooled by the guard outfits (they know every guard on the island and they are identified by a red coke of vision on radar). If things get hairy and you’re discovered, paying for the supply drop with a mini gun and rpgs is very helpful for when the juggernaut comes running. -in the compound, you can only take out so many cameras before the guards become suspicious. Only take out the ones that are placed on the same wall as a door that requires two keycards to swipe in. These cameras cannot be disabled by shutting down the power station. -in the compound, there are independent air defenses so you can’t fly in or out. There will be a chopper that spawns in the compound, but you can’t steal it. (If you’re made out, el Rubio will be chasing you in this helicopter later. I also recommend the supply drop for this reason. You can’t simply kill him or a the pilot the helicopter has to be severely damaged before he retreats).
If you have been discovered: -you could always just quit out of the game and try it again. The further you get into the heist, the less you’ll want to do that. -assuming you completed all the disruption setup missions, it honestly isn’t too bad. There won’t be any helicopters chasing you except for el rubio. Once he’s gone, motorcycles and some trucks will come after you but they aren’t too damaging. You can always steal a motorcycle and drive that away. -there will be blockades at every checkpoint. These could be spots where you’re most likely to get killed. I’d recommend just going around them or killing them from a distance and then moving through them. -patrol boats will be in the water. If you’re wearing your scuba gear, this shouldn’t be too big of a problem. Otherwise, I’d stick to dry land or steal one of the boats. These guys could be a problem if you’re attempting to exfil via a boat.
My overall recommendations for the heist: -I had a lot of success entering and exiting via the kosatka. Consider this when doing a stealthy approach. Just watch out for mines and patrol boats. I spawned in the north dock and then went straight for the airstrip to disable air defenses and lights so I could get a recon drone and a supply drop right away. I would also recommend this approach. -use the sniper and ap pistol load out along with suppressors if you’re trying to be sneaky and also take out guard towers. If you’re doing the heist with multiple people, this could be extremely effective. I found myself trying to conserve ammo since it can’t be picked up from dead bodies -if you did the blowtorch setup mission, DO NOT GO FOR BOLT CUTTERS. Your character will default to using bolt cutters which are slower. If you don’t mind using the bolt cutters, then don’t do the blow torch setup mission you won’t need it. -get your grappling hook and bolt cutters (if you choose to get bolt cutters) right away. You won’t want to forget about them. -definitely shell out the little bit of money for the recon drone at the very least. It was extremely helpful and prevented me from getting caught many times. -as extra security, I’d recommend getting the munitions drop. You’ll need to disable the control tower to get this and the recon drone. Tackle the control tower as soon as possible. It’ll make life much easier.
If there’s anything you noticed that I didn’t include or was different for your situation, feel free to add on. The more information that’s out there, the better.

Diamond Casino Guide:
So you decided that you wanna rob a casino, great! The Diamond Casino Heist is one of the best ways to earn money, but you're wondering, how do I get started? Well you're in luck! This guide is going to teach you the ways to get the best out of the Diamond Casino Heist!
Step 1: Arcade
Alright to get started, you’re going to have to own an arcade. Now, it may seem better to go for the arcades on the top of the map to save yourself some cash, however this will make all the preps much harder, as most of them take place in LS or Sandy Shores.
The best arcade locations are 8-bit ($2,530,000, located in Vinewood) and Videogeddon ($1,875,000, La Mesa). When buying your arcade, none of the upgrades are necessary, as most of them are cosmetic. You’ll have to complete a quick arcade setup mission to access the basement where the diamond casino heist planning board is located.
Step 1.5: Arcade Income
While this isn’t related to the diamond casino heist, I thought I would put this in there. The arcade generates income based on how many games you have, going up to 5k per in-game day (48 min). The game doesn't matter, so you can just buy the cheapest one (Monkey’s Paradise, $90,000) and fill up your arcade with it.
Step 2: Scope out casino
After you’ve finished watching Lester scribble a big mess over the whiteboard, you’ll be able to start the casino heist. Normally, you’ll have to pay a setup cost of 25k, but since it’s your first time doing it, it’ll be free. After you’ve confirmed that you want to start the casino heist, you’ll need to finish the scope out mission. For the scope out mission, you’ll need to take a variety of pictures for lester in order to unlock entrances for the heist. A full guide is linked here but I’ll sum up the most important ones.

• Staff Lobby: This entrance is arguably the best entrance for the Silent and Sneaky approach. It gives you easy access to the control room where you can get the daily vault easily. It is also the best exit for most approaches as not many guards patrol it. The staff lobby should be around the back of the casino, and should look like a white door behind some yellow bollards.
• Security Tunnel: By scoping out this entrance, it gives you the ability to enter the casino as a Gruppe Sechs team for the Big Con. This entrance is the best if not one of the best approaches to the casino heist. The disguise will allow you to go straight to the vault undetected and back up, however you will be detected when going back out of the casino on the casino access floor, so I would suggest getting some exit disguises to make your escape easier. The security tunnel should look like a big metal garage door with a security camera watching over it under the racetrack.
• Sewers: The sewers allow you to burrow down right into the vault access floor giving you easy access as you are right next to the vault mantrap. The sewer exit, however, is only available in the aggressive approach.
• Roof Terrace: At first glance, the roof terrace may seem like a horrible entrance/exit, however as it turns out, the roof terrace is actually a contender for one of the best aggressive exits. By taking the roof terrace, you can shoot down the guards at the racetrack while them not being able to shoot back and then parachute down.

You’ll only need to do this mission once, and it will be completed for all future casino heists.
Step 3: Vault Contents
The vault contents mission is pretty easy. You’ll be given the rough location of a duggan security guard, once you find him, you can either hack him, which can take some time but you won’t get the cops on you if you do it right, or you can kill him and grab the phone, which will save you some time but you’ll need to lose the cops before you can enter the casino.
After you’ve entered the casino, you’ll need to bring out the sightseer app on your phone to find a wifi signal. After you’ve located the wifi signal, you’ll need to figure out the vault contents. Beware that you only have a limited time to do this (2 min).
Since it’s probably your first time, I would recommend that you go through every camera to scope out each POI. The target will be cash since it’s your first time, which has a payout of 2.1 mil on normal. The first time will always be cash (payout of $2,115,000 on normal), but if it’s not your first time, the targets can be either cash, artwork (payout of $2,350,000 on normal) or gold (payout of $2,585,000 on normal).
There is a 4th target, which is diamonds (payout of $3,257,100 on normal) however this vault content is only available for special occasions and has been removed from the vault contents.
If you do the heist on hard by doing the same approach after you’ve done another one, the payout will be 10% larger. If you’ve completed all 3 approaches to the heist, you can cancel the heist which can be helpful if you’ve got a bad target. Link to this is here.
Step 4: Selecting your approach
Once you’ve finished the vault contents mission, you’ll be able to select your approach.
There are 3 approaches to the diamond casino heist. Silent and Sneaky, The Big Con and Aggressive.
For beginners, I would recommend alternating between Big Con and Aggressive, because those are the easiest ones. For Big Con, choose the Gruppe Sechs disguise for the easiest entry. Aggressive is good for newer players however it does end up in a lot of money loss. After you’ve got the gist of it, alternate to doing Silent and Sneaky in place of aggressive for a bigger payout.
Step 5: Selecting your support crew
After you’ve selected your approach, you’ll need to select your support crew before you can do any of the prep missions.
Selecting your support crew is very simple. You’ll need a gunman to source guns, a driver to source cars and a hacker to delay the nerve agent inside the vault.
Selecting your support crew depends on the approach and target in the vault. For Big Con, SnS, any any target EXCEPT for art, you’ll want the worst gunman (Karl Abolaji, take his Micro SMG on big con, heavy revolver on aggressive and on SnS the choice is up to you), the worst driver (Karim Denz, take his sentinel classic) and the best hacker available to you, for most people, this will be Paige Harris (unlocked when the terrorbyte is purchased, gives 3:25 in the vault when undetected and 2:23 detected).
For aggressive, you’ll still want to have the worst driver and best hacker, however the gunman is up to you since you’ll be using guns a lot. I normally go with Charlie Reed (unlocked when purchasing a hangar), he takes a 7% cut (2% more than Karl) and gives you an assault smg, however you can get by with Karl, as every gunman gives you a SMG to go along with another weapon, which is still a perfectly fine weapon.
For Big Con, SnS and the target is Art, if you and your heist partner can both hack very well, you can get by with Yohan Blair (takes a 5% cut and gives you 2:51 in the vault if you are undetected and 2:01 if you are).
Step 5.5: Secret heist crew members
There are 2 hidden heist crew members that can’t be unlocked by purchasing a business like most heist crew members. There 2 are Patrick McReary and Avi Schwartzman. Patrick McReary is a gunman who takes an 8% cut and gives the choice a Combat MG or an Assault Shotgun in aggressive. Avi Schwartzman is a hacker that takes a 10% cut and gives 3:30 undetected in the vault and gives 2:22 if you are detected. To unlock Patrick, he spawns as a random event around the map. He spawns in a police car that you will need to hijack. A guide is linked here. To unlock Avi, you’ll need to destroy 50 signal jammers that are located around the map. A guide is linked here.
Step 6: Prep Missions
Now that you’ve selected your support crew, you’ll be presented with a plethora of prep missions. Some mandatory and some optional. To complete these missions, I suggest that you use a Kuruma, Buzzard or Oppressor Mk2 to make your life easier. In some prep missions, you will not be able to call lester, so be prepared. All of the missions can be done solo but it makes it easier if you have a friend with you to help you out.
Now onto the optional prep missions. Optional prep missions, are, as the name suggests, optional. The optional prep you should do depends on the approach. If you own a penthouse and have completed all of the missions, you will gain access to the security intel mission. It’s very easy to complete and you will only need to do it once. A nice trick is that the gauntlet actually spawns when you start the mission, not when the cutscene is triggered, so you can just shoot the driver and take the gauntlet. A guide will be linked below.
Let’s start with Silent and Sneaky. For Silent and Sneaky, the optional prep missions depend on your skill level. If you’re an experienced player, you don’t need to do much, only level 2 security passes. Power drills you can do if you think you have enough time. However if you are a very new player, I’d recommend that you do patrol routes, duggan shipments (you only need to destroy 3 to get rid of their bulletproof helmets), level 2 security passes, emp device and infiltration suits and power drills if you think you have enough time. If you do all these, the heist should be a breeze.
Going onto the Big Con, if you’re doing Gruppe Sechs, you don't need to do much. You only need to go through one door if you exit out the staff door, so you can decide if you want to do level 2 security passes or not. Patrol routes do make things easier, however are not necessary. Again, only do power drills if you think you have enough time. Make sure you do exit disguises. Noose and firefighter are exactly the same, so do firefighters since it has the easier mission.
For aggressive, again, patrol routes make it easier, but are never necessary. Make sure to do duggan shipments. You can solo it, but it will be much easier with another person. If you don’t get them all you can just close the game and you’ll be able to do the mission again. Reinforced armour allows you to take more damage, so I would recommend it even if it makes you slower. Be sure to also do boring machine as it allows you to enter through the sewers. Make sure to also do level 2 security passes unless you really like hacking doors.
Step 7: Finding people to play with
Now that you’ve completed all your required prep missions, you need some people to play with. If you don’t have any friends to play with, I recommend checking out HeistTeams or the GTAO Discord LFG Channels to find people to play with. Make sure to have good communication between your teammates otherwise the heist will be in chaos.
Step 8: Completing the heist
Now that you’ve got a solid heist crew waiting to grab all of that sweet loot out of the casino’s vault, you’ll be able to start the heist. If you're doing aggressive, the plan is pretty simple, shoot your way in, grab the loot, then shoot your way out. The easiest entry for aggressive is sewers, and the easiest exit is the eastern roof terrace. If you exit through the staff lobby, you’ll get shot a ton when going over the racetrack, however if you exit through the roof terrace, you can shoot the guys behind the stones on the racetrack then safely parachute down.
For The Big Con, I’m going to assume you’re doing the Gruppe Sechs approach. By doing the Gruppe Sechs approach, you can pretty much waltz into the vault and back out of it, just be careful that this has some limitations. When going back up the stairwell/elevator to the casino access floor, the guards will have checked the vault and know it’s been robbed, so you disguise ain't gonna work anymore. I strongly suggest getting exit disguises, as they will greatly help your escape. The easiest exit for this is the staff lobby.
For SnS, I’m not really going to go into too much detail here because there’s a full video linked below. What I will talk about is when to use the emp (If you did the prep mission). I recommend emp’ing when you’re at the vault access floor, allowing you to waltz into the mantrap, or when you're coming back up to the casino access floor and are in the mantrap.. Be warned that if you decide to get the daily vault when you trigger the emp, the emp’s timer will run out before you can get to your exit, so plan ahead. The easiest entrance for this is the staff lobby and the easiest exit is also the staff lobby.
Tips and tricks to complete the heist

• If you are disguised, do not bump into any of the guards. They will detect you and start shooting.
• In the control room there is a button that you can press to open the door to the daily vault. One person has to hold the button while the other goes in and grabs the cash. This can be done with any approach.
• Running and jumping is faster than just running normally, use this to your advantage while inside the vault.
• Running in first person is actually faster than 3rd, so use this to your advantage when trying to knock out guards.
• Don’t bother trying to escape the cops by hiding in an alley or something, either take your car into the sewers down by the LS river or take the heli that usually spawns on top of the police station. The sewers will result in you losing less money, however will be much slower. I will link both of these methods below in the useful media section.
• Normally when exiting the casino from the staff lobby without any disguise, you’ll need to knock out a guard to the left of the swat fan to your right, before hugging the race track wall and then dropping down. I have found that sometimes if you run, the guard will hear you and detect you, causing you to get shot at. To prevent this, walk up to him making sure you stay out of his FOV then knock him out.
• You walk much faster in the casino if you are in first person, making the vault contents mission much easier.
• In prep missions, you can change any accessory (glasses, hat, ect.) to lose 1 star which is useful on missions where you can’t call Lester to remove your wanted level.
• On some missions, you can lose the cops by entering your Terrorbyte/MOC/Avenger.
• On some missions, you can lose the cops if you accept Lester’s apartment heist invite. This only works if you have a heist active.
• In the hacking device mission where you have to infiltrate the FIB building, you walk a lot faster if you aim down sights on any gun, however if you go into any agent’s LOS you will get detected instantly, so be careful when using this trick.
• You can upgrade your getaway vehicles in the arcade by getting in them and pressing the button showed on the prompt that appears on the top left.

Useful media

• Practice casino fingerprint hacking
• Easiest way to complete Silent and Sneaky
• Casino Heist Big Con Gruppe Sechs
• Casino Heist Aggressive Sewer Entrance
• How to make the most money out of the Diamond Casino Heist
• Casino Heist Sewer Escape
• Casino Heist Heli Escape
• Security Intel

Credits
Special thanks to:
u/Pepperooney_ for adding a bunch of info on the tips and tricks section
u/what_it_dooo for suggesting the roof terrace and the hacking device trick

Hi there, so I platinumed GTAV a while ago and I ranked them based on difficulty, how long they took, and just generally how fun they were to achieve. This also is kind of a walkthrough of some sorts and includes tips for some of the more difficult ones. Oh and keep in mind that this is just my opinion, some trophies can be achieved easier by other people.
And there is some swearing in this, but that shouldn't be a concern considering this is talking about GTAV Pick option C at the end of the game so you don't miss any achievements

1. Pimp my sidearm- works on any gun, recommend beating the game and then fully mod a pistol for the cheapest results.
   
2. Los santos customs- beat the game and take franklins car (trust me, do franklin's car) and go to a Los Santos customs and buy every option
   
3. A lot of cheddar- When you finish the game go to one of the stock websites and purchase every stock you can, which means you should be able to purchase 40 million worth of stocks at a time, do this until you unlock the achievement. This should take around 2 minutes.
   
4. Out of your depth- Purchase a boat or call a taxi (if you do the taxi achievement before this one the taxi skips are free) and go to the ocean, drive or swim to the very end and swim down to find a shark, annoy the shark so he will kill you. Depending on how you do it should only take around 5-15 minutes.
   
5. Off the plane- nothing needed to be said here, just complete it.
   
6. Clean sweep- Just stay behind cover and purchase snacks and body armor, and use a gun like a pump shotgun or a one-shot weapon, such as the revolver.
   
7. Trading pure alpha- you can do this anytime within the game, just purchase a stock and then kill yourself repeatedly until next to your stocks a green arrow pointing up appears, sell it and you should get the achievement. Can take up to 5 minutes if stock prices don't go up quickly.
   
8. Three-man army- Play as franklin and call Micheal and Trevor and pick them up, get a wanted level and stay in your car, kill a cop so you can get 3 stars, and start driving away but still have the cops on your ass. Do this for 3 minutes and you should get the achievement easily. Make sure your car has some armor upgrades though.
   
9. Alls fare in love and war- After beating the mission Mr.Philips you are able to purchase businesses when you're able to play as franklin purchase the taxi business for 200k and then you should get a call after a while, do the job and you should get the achievement. The missions themselves don't take a long time, maybe around 5-10 minutes, if you don't get the achievement to try to do another one.
   
10. Red mist- After completing the Trevor Philips industries mission this will just look like standard strangers and freaks, complete it, and then the others should pop up after you finish the one before. Complete all 5 and you should get the achievement. Can take up to 30 minutes to an hour if you're not good at it, I recommend trying to get the gold for all these for another achievement.
    
11. Altruist acolyte- There are certain markers that will appear as you get close to them, play as Trevor and go to the "Domestic" random event, there are a few closer to the location such as the hitch lifts but I wasn't able to spawn them. Drive to the cult and you should get the achievement after the cutscene. Took me around 10 minutes if you use the domestic random event.
    
12. Wanted: Dead or alive: This will also appear as Trevor strangers and freaks, after doing it you will get an email giving a picture of where he should be hidden, you can search it up on youtube as I did and capture him, don't kill the target no matter what, deliver him to Maude and you should unlock the achievement. Took around 10 minutes.
    
13. Kifflom! Play as Micheal and go to the Epsilon Program website, and pay the 1000 dollars to start this, I recommend using another guide for this but whenever you need to do something like wear the robe for 5 days just go to Michael's house and sleep until you are able to go on another mission, and when you need to walk around the desert for 5 miles just walk in a circle. this can take up to 3 hours if not done correctly.
    
14. San Andreas sightseer- Purchase a helicopter for the quickest results but can be done using a car or a boat. Travel around and get 95% of the map uncovered, you can tell if it's uncovered by it being transparent, meaning you can see through the map. The reason why I recommend a helicopter is you also need to uncover the ocean as well, which can be done with a boat but the helicopter is faster, you can either steal one or purchase a helicopter hangar and a helicopter. Took around 5 minutes because I already had a lot of the map uncovered.
    
15. Multi-disciplined- You'll need to get a single gold in only one of the shooting range challenges, triathlon, a flight school lesson, a sea race, a street race (which only franklin can do), and an off-road race. Complete all of them anyway for 100% achievement. This can take up to 30 minutes to an hour if you aren't able to gold one.
    
16. TP Industries arm race- After beating the mission Mr.Philips you need to purchase the hangar after beating the mission, it should cost 100,000 dollars. You get a special marker for the dune buggy and the airplane, there are 10 in total, 5 for the dune buggy (which is mainly just collecting supplies) and another 5 for the airplane (which is also mainly just supply drops) After doing the two quick save your game and reload it for the two missions to spawn. Can take up to an hour if doing the quick save method.
    
17. Crew cut- To easily finish this you either need to make a crew for a friend to join or join a friends crew
    

and play a contact mission with them to get the achievement.

1. A new perspective- Just leave one of the characters in the first person and just wait for the 15 hours or play some of

the story in the first person, I just recommend leaving it on overnight.

1. Calling digits- reach rank 20 and have 5000 dollars, call up Merryweather and ask for a backup helicopter.

20- stick up kid- rob every store on the map, can take up to an hour depending on how fast you move to each store.
21- enjoy your stay- for this achievement you need to play golf, play tennis, play darts, arm-wrestle,
win a shooting range challenge, rob a store, buy a lap dance, buy any clothes, buy a tattoo and change your hairstyle. Make sure you win or lose the sports activities because if your teammate leaves in the middle of the match it won't count.

1. Three-bit gangster- Pretty simple since ranking up is easy, just play 3x or 2x events or contact missions for the best RP. Can take up to an hour or two.
   
2. American dream- You're most likely going to need at least 1,000,000 dollars for everything, grind the 3x or 2x event or play heists for money.
   
3. 4-bit gangster- Same as a Three-bit gangster but more grinding is required. Can take up to 5 hours of pure grind.
   
4. Full refund- After rank 50 have a friend call Lamar so he can call a thief on you, kill the thief and take back your money. Takes around 5 minutes.
   
5. The midnight club- You can have a friend let you win 5 races by going to the menu-jobs-races and then
   

invite your friend and have you win 5 with a custom vehicle, depending on the map you play on
(I recommend taxiing, takes around 2 minutes to complete it) this can take up to 10-30 minutes.

1. Backseat driver- Do this with a friend, wait for people to join or join a rally race, and then guide them through the map. Once again I recommend making the rally race so you can play on a map you are familiar with.
   
2. Run like the wind- I did this in a solo match, I stole a car, got a bounty, and survived a GTA day (which is around 48 minutes) Move around and don't get kicked, you can die by anything but another player. You can do this with a friend where they have Lester give you a bounty.
   
3. Show off- Use an upgraded vehicle (preferably franklin's personal car) and search up a guide for all locations, ill put a link to the guide I used in the description, while most are easy 10 of them are a complete bitch, and took me around 15 minutes just to do one of them because of the requirements. This can take up to 3-5 hours.
   
4. From beyond the stars/a mystery solved- I can't really decide on which one is harder so I will group them up into one, both took me around 3 hours to do since there are so many. You can use the rockstar social club website or use a guide on YouTube as I did.
   
5. Waste management- After the second heist Micheal or Trevor and purchase the old dock for around 250,000 dollars, while it can be confusing just follow the dot on the map. Took me around 2 hours to do.
   
6. Close shave- Look up a guide, it's pretty much required for this. Buy the buzzard helicopter for the under the bridge and keep in mind not to do too much damage to your helicopter or it won't count, while most recommend stealing a jet from fort zancuddo I instead bought the mallard for 250,000. Took me around 3-4 hours.
   
7. Decorated- In GTA online there are certain rewards for doing certain things such as killing people with a pistol a certain amount of times, every single platinum that I earned were headshot kills, sniper kills (not sure how to be honest) Kill people using melee weapons, kill people using sticky grenades, kill players in GTA online, kill psycho's (I recommend doing most of these in deathmatches) win 10 waves of survival, (it's painful and achievement on its own), rob 20 stores which is also an achievement, pay for 25 lap dances (all you need to do is pay for the dance and then exit it) buy 25 haircuts, have a friend drive you around for a few hours (sit in a car with your friend in it, pretty simple one) Flippin hell (go to a stunt race with a flying car, get high in the air and do the flips) steal vehicles (pretty simple) Achieve the fastest lap in a race (can be done with a friend) land jumps 300 feet in a road vehicles win every deathmatch and race mode (can be done with a friend) participate in 25 races, buy 25 pieces of clothes (just buy 25 shirts) get the most kills in a 4 player survival (not too hard unless you camp all game, can be done with a friend) get the most kills in a gang attack (also can be done with a friend) shoot cop choppers down (when you get 3 stars start shooting the choppers down with a homing missile) win every race mode at least once (needed for 2 achievements) get a tattoo on every body part, win a race in a custom vehicle (needed for achievement anyways) wheelie for over 2000 feet (I don't remember getting this one, but the best way is to do it at the airport) Activate a 2 person key switch (I did this on the diamond casino heist) Complete the fleeca heist finale, do the aggressive approach on the diamond casino heist and earn 1,000,000 dollars and use the elevator on the diamond casino heist.
   
8. Solid gold, baby!- Do the heist setups and the strangers and freaks, every mission and strangers and freaks I got a gold in (not including prologue) was
   

Franklin and Lamar, Complications, Fatheson, marriage counseling, friend request, chop, the long stretch, daddy's little girl, the good husband, carbon rifles, Mr.Philips, Trevor Philips industries, Deadman walking, did somebody say yoga, by the book, Tow truck, boiler suits, masks, The multitarget assassination, Mr.Richards, Hang ten, Fresh meat, The ballad of Rocco, reuniting the family, Architects plans, doting dad, fire truck, meltdown, stingers, every gauntlet, something sensible, the times come, every Pulling favors, every rampage, shift work, Grassroots Micheal, grassroots the drag, Paparazzo, paparazzo the sex tape, Paparazzo the highness, every vinewood souvenirs expect Al Di Napoli, Exercising demons-franklin, liquidy risk, minute man blues, exercising demons Micheal and Trevor, targeted risk, uncalculated risk, a starlet in vinewood, chasing the truth, the last one, delivering the truth.
I may have missed a few but those were the ones I counted, this can take up to 5-10 hours unless if you already have quite a few on gold. You don't have to do every single challenge at once, so you can try to beat the level as fast a possible, reload it and try to get as many headshots as required for example.

1. Career criminal- This one requires pure fucking grind, let me tell you everything I did for the 100% completion. for hobbies and pastimes, I did Stunt plane time trials, 3 medals in every shooting range challenge, won every race (meaning offroad, street, and sea,) won every sport, got par or under in golf (getting par or under is required,) Bail bonds quarry and farm, every flight school mission, every arms traffic race (required for an achievement anyways,) got a private strip club dance, hunting, yoga and parachuting. Only franklin's strangers and freaks are required, my random events were the ATM robbery, Bike theft 1, construction accident, gang imitation, mugging 1, 2, and 3, security van 3, 4, and 6, sportbike theft, a countryside gang fight, a deal went wrong, and the drunk driver. To find out the spawn points of the random events go to the rockstar social club. All 30 misc were buying a haircut, weapon, any clothing, a car mod, a tattoo, and 5 properties, a vehicle from a website, ride the cable car, use the car wash, go on the rollercoaster, friend activities (meaning call up Micheal, Trevor, or franklin as any of the 3 characters) Visit the cinema, bar, play tennis, darts, golf, go to a strip club, 25 stunt jumps, 8 knife flights, rob a store, purchase stocks, watch T.V. (do at Micheals) complete a booty call (Play as Trevor in a strip club and get one of the girls like the bar to the max and drive them to their apartment) 25 under the bridge, walk and play fetch with chop, get 30 submarine pieces (one of Micheal's strangers and freaks) 30 nuclear waste (it's an achievement anyway) get all 50 spaceship parts and letter scraps (both achievements.) This can take up to 10-20 hours, it's a fucking pain.
   
2. Unnatural selection- Holy shit, this took me so fucking long to do, me and 2 other friends grinded for 10 hours straight and couldn't even beat it. Buy max snacks and body armor and the best map to do is the nuclear silo,
   

there is a certain hiding spot near the stairs and the stairwell that if you hide behind it's super difficult to get shot unless you peak for too long. Use the combat MG, does a lot of damage and can shred through enemy health, be careful at the beginning when getting health and armor not to be out for too long for else you will lose all your health and maybe even die. This took me prolly around 10-30 hours to complete.

1. Above the law- This requires so much god damn grinding that I grinded for 3 days straight, I started grinding hard on level 67 and got to level 100 by doing the 3x event "Target assault race" But by the 3rd day, it was this stupid deathmatch where if you die you can come back to life by an enemy dying or some shit, heists are also good ways of gaining RP, and heist setups too. this took me around 10-20 hours to complete starting from rank 67.
   
2. Numero Uno, the requirements for this achievement is to win a single Bike, Land, Sea, Air, Rally, and GTA-Race, win a Deathmatch, Team-DM, Gang-Attack, and Survival (10 rounds), and win Arm Wrestling, Darts, Parachuting, Golf, Tennis and Shooting Range. So not only do you need to complete the survival bullshit but more on top of it, now everything but a rally race, team deathmatch, and survival you can boost with a friend. But even then this still took me around 10-40 hours to complete due to the fucking survival bullshit.
   

Developers of one of the best game of the released year - Witcher 3 - was a front that clouded our thoughts and allowed us to blindly trust them as soon as they announced Cyberpunk 2077. Then they lied.
Throughout many months and even years - CDPR released trailers, gameplays, and even more of Cyberpunk 2077 and sold us lies of an interactive open world gameplay with pretty much doing "whatever" you wanted. The so-called "next-gen" of gaming.
The truth is, their marketing team used the advantage of their status and previous achievement to sell us the lies, so we can't exactly blame the developers directly but they still take some fault for it.
The game is out and people are more worried about the amount of bugs and glitches they face, but that's not the main problem. The problem is how they gave us a beautifully designed open world game - only for the entire world to not be functional at all. You literally can travel everywhere around the world, but can't exactly do anything. You have no control over anything. Only a select few of NPCs are approachable and the majority of these are vendors.
They sold us trailers and gave us an idea that this game will be somewhat a futuristic style of GTA. They even released a trailer showing "You want a supercar? You want a big house? You want to be best?" and yet, we can't even purchase a house or "upgrade" in lifestyle. The only upgrade we can actually get is buying cars with limited amount of money we can get in the game - no repeatable gigs, heist, side quests, and more.
For months, people discussed about the first thing they will do when they get the game, or how they will play the game, or what they will achieve - only to be truly disappointed and blinded by the amount of bugs we received on release and forgetting about what we actually wanted within the game.
The game is extremely limited with the choices you have, it's a straight forward line without the options to exactly do "whatever you wanted". The open world is big and beautifully designed but only to be non-functional, useless, and a waste of time.
So CDPR can go ahead and say they will fix the bugs & glitches and that's the easy part, but that's not even the main problem. The problem are things that are too late to add and most likely won't implement it, which is actually creating a functional open world. Be it making it rain at a strip club or gambling at a casino. Committing a crime for big pay day or respecting the law. That's what "night city" should have been about. They sell so many sexual ideology in the game, but limit your character to only 1 specific gender of NPCs. Highly underwhelming and truly disappointing.
CDPR lied to all of us and that's what we should be pissed off about, not the glitches or bugs, but the game itself. The most anticipated game of the year happened to be a complete lie, a huge letdown, and undeserving.

So some people on this sub seem to think you need to do all the optional preps when doing the casino heist, but this is actually a HUGE waste of time when trying to grind. You would make much more money for your time if you just skipped these preps, ran the heist, and then started a new one. TheProfessional on youtube explains it in this video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1QcKrudZoc
For aggressive approach, you only need duggan shipments and boring machine. Don't bother with patrol routes, you don't need to sneak around anyone. If guards are within a certain range they will show on your map even without patrol routes. Keycards only if you can't hack, or if you think you might fail while exiting casino, but theres only 1 door that uses it so if you're experienced you don't need them. EDIT: you don't need boring machine to access sewers, it is always available. Not sure why rockstar made that mission.
For Big Con, as long as you have the 54 playing cards, YOU DON'T NEED ANY OPTIONAL PREPS. I can't believe there are people here that think you need duggan shipments for big con, when you literally don't shoot anybody while inside the casino. Whats the point of taking their armor and weapons if you don't shoot them, or get shot by them? You shouldn't be getting detected on gruppe sechs, and if you're not doing gruppe sechs then you're not being time efficient anyway.. You don't need patrol routes because when escaping there are only 2 guards that you need to take out, then 1 to avoid, and they are always in the same hallways. Also only 1 door to hack while escaping, don't need keycard.
SnS is the method that benefits the most from optionals. Keycards are actually useful because there are multiple doors, and duggan shipments can be handy as well so you can take out guards from afar with your gun. Patrol routes are good if you don't know the guards' usual spots, same with security intel for cameras, but they're not necessary once you learn where they are.
Also don't do power drills, you shouldn't have that much time if you choose the minimal amount of people and the appropriate hacker.
For example, for art you should always run as a group of 2, with a cheap hacker like Yohan (5%). You have enough time to clear the vault, and save money since the hacker takes a smaller cut.
For gold, you can run with 2 people if you hack fast/get lucky with the layout, but if running with 3 you can use a cheap hacker as well.
If you get cash on scope out, just call lester and cancel heist. It takes the longest to loot and is worth the least. The extra profit you get from art/gold is worth paying startup cost multiple times over.
This week also has diamonds. You need 3 people to clear the vault, and paige gives more than enough time. I haven't tested it with cheaper hackers but it might work.

To skip the drilling at the vault door press pause and then rb on Xbox (I don’t know what that is on other platforms)
Never shoot your weapons at the guards with helmets
With the noose outfits you can walk right past the police officers outside the casino
In the big con (yung ancestor) you can run past all the guards in the staff lobby
If you are fast enough you can run past the cameras
When leaving the casino on Silent&Sneaky it is not necessary to stun the metal detectors
First person makes you run faster during the heist especially when you are carrying gold
When hacking in the vault press pause and rb when your character does the animation of putting the device in to save a few seconds comes in handy for elite challenge
If you’re a crew member on a casino heist and you hear the train when starting the heist that means it’s the la mesa arcade. The best one for the finale. If not it’s most likely the eight bit arcade.
In big con gruppe sechs entry disguise when selecting an outfit use one without a helmet because in the hallway to the vault door your character will keep moving the helmet glass up and down.
Don’t use the elevator because there’s a bug where you can be stuck on a black screen.
There is a helicopter that spawns on the police department closest to the casino but it doesn’t always spawn.
To always make the helicopter spawn look for the helicopter tail on the edge of the building and if you don’t see one drive one block away turn around the block and it should spawn.
Useful tips for preps: On gruppe sechs part 1 you can call Lester to remove the cops and for the vault lasers (the mission where you steal the drills from military soldiers) you can call in your terrorbyte to refill your rockets on your oppressor mk2 and lose the cops. For preps with vehicles that hold 2 crates of weapons in them like the police van and Tula plane can be destroyed and recovered as individual crates. You can lose cops during casino preps by accepting a job invite on the in-game phone. For the prison prep for the vault keycards get far away from the prison, easy way out and you’ll automatically lose the cops and complete the prep. For the vault keycards mission where you get them from two different npcs use your stone hatchet to quickly and silently take them out to avoid cops.
Useful glitches: you can change the loot in the vault by completing all approaches of the casino heist at least once and then calling Lester after you have discovered the vault contents while still in the casino. When you get back to your arcade set it up again and it’ll most likely have changed. To obtain all optional preps for free 1. Change outfits to force a save 2. Pay for all optional preps 3. Start duggan shipments and when you load in to begin the mission close application. 4. Start your game and load straight into online (also change spawn location to your arcade)
If there is anything that you think one might find useful, you can leave it down in the comments

From personal experience, and seeing several other peoples pay-outs, it seems that doing the heist solo is the most profitable and efficient for making money. The only other way is to play with randoms or players that don't want the cash, and always take a bigger cut, but this doesn't really work for grinders that usually share equally with their group.
Solo, I had the best primary target and average secondary targets, my take was around $1.9 million. With the fencing fee my actual take was around $1.7 million. If going in solo you will usually get at least $1.3 million, depending on the primary target, if you pick up secondary loot as well.
If we have an equal cut,
With 2 players, after fencing fee, I usually end up with a final take of about $1.1mil per heist.
With 3 players, after fencing fee, I usually get around $750k-$1mil (depending on exact cut)
With 4 players, after fencing fee, I usually get around $800k.
When playing as a group, we always did equal (or near equal) cuts, and did the heist for each other too. Solo = 100%
2 player = 50/50
3 player = 40/30/30
4 players = 25/25/25/25
We all end up with about the same amount after doing 2/3/4 heists, when we each take turns hosting the heist.
Based on doing the heist on hard, having the best primary target (Pink Diamond $1,430,000) and good secondary target (approx. $500,000), after 10% fencing fees here is what you will make solo and with other players.
​

	Take from 1st heist, as host myself.	Take from 2nd heist, taking turns as host.	Take from 3rd heist, taking turns as host.	Take from 4th heist, taking turns as host.	Total after doing 1/2/3/4 heists	Total if you do the same number of solo heists instead
Solo	$1,737,000				$1,737,000	$1,737,000
2 players (50/50 split)	$1,093,500	$1,093,500			$2,187,000	$3,474,000
3 players (40/30/30 split)	$1,054,800	£791,000	£791,000		$2,637,000	$5,211,000
4 players (25/25/25/25 split)	$771,750	$771,750	$771,750	$771,750	$3,087,000	$6,948,000

The money from the safe I've included in the $500k secondary, and just averaged it, as you get between $50-95k in the safe.
Pavel's fee is still to come off these figures, but his fee is quite small.
The take obviously depends on what your scoped primary and secondary targets are worth and what the money cuts are. Going in solo is seems to be the most efficient way of making money if you are familiar enough with the heist. These amounts are when we did it stealthily, entered via the drainage tunnel, and mainly exited via the main dock.
As you can see, when grinding as a group trying to make equal amounts, it’s not as profitable as doing the heist solo, unless you only give the other players tiny cuts, but most grinders wouldn’t do that.
​
According to several trusted data miners, here's the chances of getting each item of the primary loot.
Chance of Primary Loot:
Sinsimito Tequila = 27.778% - value = 1.0
Ruby Necklace = 27.778% - value = 1.0
Bearer Bonds = 27.778% - value = 1.0
Pink Diamond = 16.667% - value = 0.6
Panther Statue = 0.00% - value = 0.0 (this is currently set to 0.00 at the moment, so looks like an event only item)
​

Primary Targets:
Target:	Value (Normal)	Value (Hard)
Tequila	$900,000	$990,000
Ruby Necklace	$1,000,000	$1,100,000
Bearer Bonds	$1,100,000	$1,210,000
Pink Diamond	$1,300,000	$1,430,000
Black Panther*	$1,900,000	$2,090,000

*= Black Panther Statue is currently an event only item, like the Diamonds in the Casino Heist.
​

Secondary Targets
Loot (Per Stack)	Value (Min amounts)	Value (Max amounts)	Bag Space
Cash	$87,500	$92,500	25%
Weed	$145,000	$150,000	37.5%
Painting	$175,000	$200,000	50%
Cocaine	$220,000	$225,000	50%
Gold	$328,333	$333,333	66.66%
Safe Cash	$50,000	$99,000	0% (as it's extra to secondary)
Loot (Per Bag)	Value (Min amounts)	Value (Max amounts)	Bag Space
Cash	$350,000	$370,000	100%
Painting	$350,000	$400,000	100%
Weed	$386,000	$400,000	100%
Cocaine	$440,000	$450,000	100%
Gold	$492,500	$500,000	100%

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For me, I tend to scope out the airstrip hangar and warehouse nearby, then grab a bike and head to the comms tower, checking for the cutting powder at 2 of it's spawn locations (if not at these 2 I get it after comms tower), scope out primary target, then head to the water tower to poison the water, scope out secondary targets at main dock (looking for coke), then get caught to quickly get back to airstrip to fly home.
Depending on if there's 2 paintings in the office (which is rare), I'll either do Kosatka or Longfin approach vehicle prep, cutting torch, plasma cuttesafe codes, fingerprint cloner, conspirator weapons, then start the heist.
Depending on where the best primary loot is, I'll do the heist in one of the below methods.
2 paintings in office.
Enter via Kosatka at drainage tunnel, cut it open and enter, take out a few guards between there and office to get a set of keys (not keycard), go up to office and empty safe and get both paintings, go back down and enter basement through one of the locked gates, hack the gate with fingerprint cloner, get primary, then leave compound via the main gate. Kill the guard beside the bike in front of the gate, then use it to jump off cliff to left, dive down and swim away until heist is completed.
Best secondary at airstrip
Enter via Longfin, head up to airstrip and go to hangawarehouse and take the best loot there. Go back to Longfin and head down to the drainage tunnel, cut it open and enter, take out a few guards between there and office to get a set of keys (not keycard), go up to office and empty safe, go back down and enter basement through one of the locked gates, hack the gate with fingerprint cloner, get primary, then leave compound via the main gate. Kill the guard beside the bike in front of the gate, then use it to jump off cliff to left, dive down and swim away until heist is completed.
Best secondary at main dock.
Enter via Longfin, head to main docks and grab the best loot from the warehouses there. Go back to Longfin and head down to the drainage tunnel, cut it open and enter, take out a few guards between there and office to get a set of keys (not keycard), go up to office and empty safe, go back down and enter basement through one of the locked gates, hack the gate with fingerprint cloner, get primary, then leave compound via the main gate. Kill the guard beside the bike in front of the gate, then use it to jump off cliff to left, dive down and swim away until heist is completed.