AEW’s Women‘s Division finds itself in a really weird place right now. For the past year and a half or so it’s felt like an afterthought and sorely lacking any attention at all. Now AEW have set up a huge USA vs. Japan 16-women tournament thats got a lot of hype to it, but Shida has been featured on TV barely at all since Double or Nothing still. The talent has improved a lot and they got a great core now with some very good homegrown stars like Nyla Rose, Anna Jay, Abadon, Britt Baker, Leyla Hirsch, Tay Conti etc. So my mission is to take this potential and fully capitalise on it. First we start in present day, and as part of the prompt all disappointing events up until now stay the same. With all that out of the way, here is how I would try and revive the AEW Women’s Championship and Division.
AEW Women’s Eliminator:
Nyla Rose vs. Abadon (February 10th, Dynamite)
Veda Scott makes her return to commentary to team with Excalibur and Tony Schiavone for our women’s eliminator matches tonight, beginning with The Native Beast, Nyla Rose, taking on...as described by Veda, “what do you even call that...” Abadon comes out and haunts Vickie Guerrero but Nyla shows no fear. They both rush each other and it’s a brawl to begin. They soon spill outside where Rose tries to take the monster down using the guardrails, before Vickie exposes the turnbuckle and she slams Abadon into those. She goes for a finisher to end it early, but Abadon counters and the fight is back on. Abadon comes back with a Low Dropkick and Enziguri before clotheslining Nyla out. She throws her into the guardrails this time before setting Rose up on the apron, hanging over the ropes. She dives with a Leg Drop but Nyla moves and she lands flat on the mat. Nyla then hits a Guillotine Knee Drop but only gets a two count. She goes for an Avalanche Powerbomb to end it, but Abadon counters into a Super Rana and lifts both legs of Nyla up to pin her down, 1...2....3. Afterwards Nyla pushes Vickie off when she goes to speak with her.
Abadon defeats Nyla Rose (12:11)
Thunder Rosa vs. Britt Baker (February 10th, Dynamite)
A rematch between these two women here as we unfinished business solved. The match starts with a Big Boot from behind by Baker and from there it’s off to the races. Reba gets a cheap shot from outside after Britt Irish whips Rosa and she keeps going. A roll up is kicked out of but she then flattens Rosa once more. Britt takes it outside where she goes to introduce Rosa to the ring post, but Rosa counters and knocks Britt in instead. She now comes back and uses Reba as a weapon, ducking another shot from her so she hits Britt. Rosa takes a dive to the outside into both men and the fight continues. Britt comes back with some shots to the midsection before taking it outside again, hitting a Snap Suplex onto the floor. That is kicked out of as Rosa flips Britt two birds and throws her around. Baker connects an elbow shot to avoid another flying attack, and goes for a Superplex, but Rosa turns it into an Avalanche Fire Thunder Driver to win and advance. Afterwards she raises her hand and wipes her busted lip, looking deep into the hard cam as Baker is down and out.
Thunder Rosa defeats Britt Baker (10:59)
We see the first segment of Hikaru Shida on this episode, a four part series leading up to Revolution. She is in Japan currently so they are filmed from the Ice Ribbon Dojo. This particular one begins with Shida walking around watching the girls train, and coaching as she looks on. She says in English “they are talented. They will become superstar.” We then move over to a tatami (traditional Japanese room, small with wooden walls, a paper sliding door, no windows etc.) There she sits down and is interviewed about her career with the assist of subtitles. She speaks of her training and relates to the girls she just saw there. She explains how much Ice Ribbon means to her and she’s excited to see their representation in the tournament. It closes with her about her finals days in Japan. She starts to talk about AEW, but it fades out and ends with a “To be continued...”
Leyla Hirsch vs. Riho (February 17th, Dynamite)
Riho returns to AEW for the first time in nearly a full year and is excited to be back in action, but she’s got some steep competition in her corner. Legit Leyla Hirsch walks out ready to kick some ass and take names, throwing the towel on her shoulders into the crowd as she walks and laughing at Riho. “She’s like the size of Leyla’s leg.” Veda says. Tony jumps to Riho’s defence we’ve seen her topple bigger and badder in AEW before, but we’ll have to wait and see. Leyla starts off dominant as she keeps Riho down with her submissions and MMA holds. Riho on occasions looks to mount a comeback but she keeps being knocked back down. Despite this, she keeps getting back up. Out of nowhere she gets a roll up on Leyla to stun her, before a Dropkick knocks her outside. She then does a Flying Crossbody to the floor! The fight is on. Riho uses high speed to fight against the power of Leyla. Hirsch goes for a dangerous Lariat but Riho ducks and hits a Headscissors into an O’Connor Roll to pin and win.
Riho defeats Leyla Hirsch (12:45)
After the match, Tony Schiavone tries to grab an interview with Riho about her win and how it feels to be back. She goes to speak, WHEN SHE’S ATTACKED BY TWO WOMEN! Leyla Hirsch walks up and puts both arms over their shoulders, as commentary reveal it to be Killer Kelly and Lindsay Snow! Excalibur says these two women took part in the Bloodsport Women’s Tournament with Leyla Hirsch months ago, and now they’re here in AEW! Leyla hugs them both Andrew all stand over Riho and walk off.
We then see the next part of Hikaru Shida’s video series. This time begins with her training with some wrestlers, and giving feedback before we go back to the tatami. She says she thinks the girls can be big once more, and name drops a few in particular that she sees as the best. She’s then asked if they could ever expand out of Japan like herself. Shida then leads this off into saying it’s not an easy thing to do. The girls can do it but she did it herself and it’s tough. She then talks about moving to America about a year and a half ago and how she’s felt, how she’s adapted, and what AEW means to her. She details how much it means to her to be here in America and holding the most important title in the world to her. She set out to break boundaries and prove she is the best to the American audience, and she did, having held the title for 9 months. She’s now observing who’s going to stop her, but despite the immense talent - nobody is like her.
Anna Jay vs. Tay Conti (February 17th, Dynamite)
Two best friends clash, with Tay Conti and Anna Jay taking part to face in the next round. Tay offers a handshake but Anna looks away to ignore it. This leaves a bad taste in Tay’s mouth but she pushes on. They lock up and it’s intense, until Tay gains the upper hand. She uses her Judo background to dominate until she tries a Tayogoshi. Anna gets out and gets the cut off. She wrestles with a lot of aggression to the point commentary question that these two women are partners. Anna shows no mercy against Tay with some brutal offence. Conti eventually comes back and applies some vicious submission holds. Tay comes back with a Jumping Knee before a Bicycle Kick off the apron. Anna then hits her with a slam onto the apron and keeps the aggression going. In the climax of the match we saw Tay grab hold of Anna by the wrist and cling on, as they fall forward in exhaustion and rest over each other’s shoulders. Tay wraps an arm around and they hug, until Anna hugs back as she slowly lifts Tay up. They stare into each other’s eyes, continuing to breath heavy, ONLY FOR CONTI TO HIT A BRAZILIAN KICK!! PINS AND WINS!!
Tay Conti defeats Anna Jay (10:47)
Yuka Sakazaki vs. Mei Suruga (February 15th, Super 16)
Exclusively on AEW’s YouTube channel, “The Super 16” is presented live from the Ice Ribbon Dojo. Yuka Sakazaki is someone that AEW fans are familiar with from her various matches on PPV and Dynamite. Since her last AEW appearance she has added more muscle, she's expanded her moveset, and she lost TJPW's top title. Mei Suruga meanwhile is one the smallest and least experienced wrestler in the tournament, being one of Emi Sakura’s many students. She managed to get a clean one on one victory over Hikaru Shida right before Shida left Japan. She's a 21 year old prodigy who's status reaches beyond her experience level. She has Riho’s style mixed with Emi’s influence, for a brief summary. This is a high speed match up, a common style in Joshi, as the two women fly around each other with high risk offence. Yuka does a Springboard to the outside, over the guardrail to take Mei out for a good bit. She mounts a comeback and goes for a finisher to end it, but The Magical Girl reverses and pins to advance forward.
Yuka Sakazaki defeats Mei Suruga (08:46)
VENY vs. Emi Sakura (February 15th, Super 16)
VENY is someone some of you might know as Asuka. No not that Asuka, back in Japan WWE Asuka was known as Kana and the woman now called VENY is now known as Asuka. VENY is a favourite of mine. She can do damn near anything in the ring, she's extremely charismatic, and is in her prime as one of the top indie wrestlers in Japan."Veny" was supposed to debut in America during Wrestlemania weekend 2020, but the pandemic put a stop to that. This tournament is going to be her introduction to western fans. Meanwhile Emi Sakura is someone AEW fans probably know after her match with Riho at Full Gear. Since her last AEW appearance, she's been surviving the pandemic in her own little corner of the wrestling world by regularly producing Youtube wrestling shows(ChocoPro). In recent months, she's been slimming down to more of her natural weight which helps her with speed and her noted back problems. She’s now faster and better than when AEW fans last saw her. This is a technical match up with the two women indulging a game of wits, trading submissions and holds. She goes to use her new found quickness but VENY matches ever at that and puts her down to advance forward.
VENY defeats Emi Sakura (14:32)
Maki Itoh vs. Ryo Mizunami (February 15th, Super 16)
Maki Itoh is one of my favourite wrestlers right now and that’s not a joke. She’s the most popular wrestler in the field and someone that Joshi fans have been waiting to see crossover to the west more often for the last couple of years. She's insanely charismatic. She's a limited athlete, but she's an excellent storyteller and shines in singles matches. She’s only worked Mania weekend in the States so far but we’re hoping to see that change. Mizunami then has worked AEW before, but that was such a long time ago that AEW fans have probably forgotten her. She's a veteran with an extremely high level of charisma and she will chop the soul out of you. Primarily a brawler, but also has that charisma to work this kind of match. This is set to be our character matchup as Maki and Ryo square up, with Itoh crediting herself as “I AM DEITY OF SHIT”. She credits “Cornette-san” as her biggest fan. They then go at it. Ryo dominates Itoh until the comeback, when she catches Mizunami out of nowhere with a Flying Hurricanerana to win.
Maki Itoh defeats Ryo Mizunami (08:41)
Aja Kong vs. Rin Kadokura (February 15th, Super 16)
Main event of the evening and it’s looking like a doozy folks. First we have Aja Kong, easily the most legendary name in the tournament. She's 34 years into her career and still going. While we aren’t expecting to see the Kong that was battling Bull Nakano in the 90s, she is still a very smart veteran and she is still willing to taking some crazy bumps in the right occasion. She’s wrestled in both WWF (Survivor Series 1995) and AEW (Double or Nothing 2019) so she’s no stranger to the big stage. Rin meanwhile is most comparable to Shibata. She doesn't have a huge western fanbase, and she's not a big personality, but she's the Joshi version of "a wrestler's wrestler" and is capable of having the best match of the tournament. She comes Marvelous who are basically the Ring of Honor of Joshi. They are more physical and technically sound than TJPW or Ice Ribbon. Rin and Aja have a stiff and brutal matchup with terrifying strikes from the two women. Aja keeps kicking out of what’s thrown at her, not allowing to go down to a younger girl. Aja misses a Senton off the apron and hits the floor which allows Kadokura to win. Afterwards they hug as we fade to black.
Rin Kadokura defeats Aja Kong (15:22)
Quarter-Finals:
Riho vs. Tay Conti (February 24th, Dynamite)
Into the quarter finals we go as Revolution is fast approaching, and kicking it off is these two women. Both are top babyfaces, with Conti having just come out of her emotional war with Anna Jay and Riho suffering at the hands of Leyla Hirsch’s squad. They shake hands to begin and we’re set. Tay has expressed interest in wrestling in Japan before, so this is her forte into the Joshi world. Once everything’s back to normal I’d really like to see her hold the SWA World Championship in Stardom, and potentially face Riho again for it. Riho uses her speed to take Tay down, at one point dropkicking her off the apron and she falls into the guardrail, where Anna Jay sits. Anna looks at her coldly as Tay gets back up, ONLY TO BE HIT BY A BACKSTABBER BY RIHO! SHE COVERS AND WINS!! Riho advances forward to the semi-finals, while Conti stares back, equally as cold, at Anna Jay.
Riho defeats Tay Conti (07:01)
We see the third segment of Hikaru Shida in her tatami speaking of her story. She goes into detail about Corona hitting and being stuck in America, and how she felt about that. She says all that mattered then was the AEW Women’s World Championship. So much stuff was happening back home in Japan in the Joshi world (death of Hana Kimura), and she needed to topple The Beast, Nyla Rose. She describes the match, says it’s the most physical she’s ever been in, describing each painful bump and how after every move she was more worn down. But she refused to lose, and came out on top. Since then she’s carried this belt, and hadn’t dropped it. Despite the level of talent in the Super 16, no one has the talent to defeat her.
Abadon vs. Thunder Rosa (February 24th, Dynamite)
Last quarter final now, with the winner going on to face Riho in the semi’s. Thunder Rosa - having defeated Britt Baker, and Abadon - having defeated Nyla Rose. Abadon screams at Rosa to begin but she’s unphased, shouting back and the two meet forehead to forehead. They then start trading shots as the match begins. It spills outside where they continue to brawl messily. Abadon hits a Bloodline onto the floor followed by some biting. She goes for a Twist of Hate on the apron, but Rosa counters into a Cutter! They both sell before going back inside. Abadon runs for a Spear but when it’s leapfrogged, she hits a Headbutt and then runs the ropes again. She connects the Spead this time and covers, but it’s kicked out of. They go back outside where they fight up the ramp. Rosa dives with a Double Foot Stomp before they head up to the announce table. They fight there, and Rosa hits an Inverted DDT on it. Abadon rolls into the announcers chairs and lays there. Once back in, Rosa goes for a Snake Sleeper, but Abadon kicks her leg back and fights back. She throws Rosa into the ring post to bust her open. She calls for a Gravedigger, BUT ITS REVERSED INTO A FIRE THUNDER DRIVER!! ROSA PINS AND GOES TO SEMIS!!
Thunder Rosa defeats Abadon (16:11)
Maki Itoh vs. VENY (February 22nd, Super 16)
Heading into the Japan half of the quarter finals, we travel across the Pacific to the Ice Ribbon dojo once more. Itoh talks shit before the bell as VENY stands stone faced wondering what’s she did in a past life to be in the opposite corner of this. She goes to speak about Cornette-san once more but VENY cuts her off and the match has begun. She dominates the early stages until Maki out of nowhere counters a Suplex into a Falling DDT. She hits a Dropkick off the apron and VENY eats shit. Maki applies a Boston Crab, but VENY gets the ropes and flips Itoh out. She big boots her and is back on the offence. They take it to the apron where Itoh goes to pick VENY up, but VENY knocks her down and they roll back inside. Maki goes for a Ito Special but it’s reversed, and VENY goes for a Powerbomb. Itoh reverses that into a Itoh Royale, which is kicked out and they double down with stereo dropkicks. Maki climbs the top ropes for a Diving Headbutt, but VENY quickly runs up and hits a Superplex. She pins and wins to advance forward into the semis.
VENY defeats Maki Itoh (09:18)
Rin Kadokura vs. Yuka Sakazaki (February 22nd, Super 16)
Yuka runs around Rin to begin with, using her quickness to avoid being caught by any strikes or holds. This proves unsuccessful as after running the ropes for a Flying Shoulder Tackle, she’s hit with a stiff elbow in midair to knock Yuka down. This is the cut off as she dominates from this point forward. Rin goes for a Meteora from the middle ropes, BUT YUKA HITS A FRONT DROPKICK OUT OF MIDAIR!! She scales the top ropes and FLIES WITH A CROSSBODY!! KICK OUT! Yuka continues to run circles before taking Rin to the apron. She then jumps from inside, over the ropes, WITH A HURRICANERANA TO THE FLOOR!! The Magical Girl is back in action as she hits a Baseball Slide Dropkick into the railings. She rolls out to grab Kadokura but Rin throws her into the guardrails instead. She takes control back and does a Lala Histro Cradle into a Cross Armbreaker but Yuka gets a foot on the ropes. She manages to rally up for a huge flurry of offence to take Rin down and cover after a Magical Girl Splash, 1.......2......3! She’s going to the semi-finals where she will face VENY.
Yuka Sakazaki defeats Rin Kadokura (11:45)
We get a live performance from the Itoh Respect Army - Maki Itoh and Mizuki perform live in living colour a rock idol anthem. This gives Yuka a rest before the main event of the evening, the Semi-Finals match between Yuka Sakazaki and VENY. Itoh and Mizuki hype everyone up with the performance ahead of the big match, before the music stops and they leave. That’s when VENY walks out.
Semi-Finals:
VENY vs. Yuka Sakazaki (February 22nd, Super 16)
She walks down menacingly with pure seriousness on her face. There is no fucking around here. She’s winning this tournament. Yuka meanwhile is as happy as can be. Yuka high fives everyone and jumps down in joy. They shake hands, but immediately after the bell rings VENY immediately kicks Yuka down and dominates. Yuka is tired while VENY is relatively fresh having only wrestled the opener. She dominates until it heads to the outside. She goes to slam Yuka into the railings, but Sakazaki reverses and dumps her over. She then hits a Springboard Flying Seated Senton, over the railings, into VENY. She mounts her comeback and hits for the Magical Girl Splash, BUT ITS KICKED OUT OF! Yuka starts having to match VENY’s strikes, as once VENY starts laying them in, Yuka becomes impervious to pain and fights back with her own. It turns into a slugfest here, but after a Diving Double Foot Stomp from Yuka only gets two she’s out of options. VENY capitalises here and looks to finish with a Powerbomb, BUT ITS TURNED INTO A FRANKENSTEINER! MAGICAL GIRL SPLASH! YUKA IS GOING TO THE FINALS!!
Yuka Sakazaki defeats VENY (19:21)
On March 3rd, Dynamite, we see the final of Hikaru’s segment, starting with her rolling a suitcase while wearing a mask as she walks to her plane back to America. We go back to the tatami where she’s asked about Revolution, and what she thinks of Yuka Sakazaki. She speaks on her before being asked about Riho and Thunder Rosa. She speaks about Rosa and their feud, saying she’s beaten her before though at last years All Out. The interviewer asks about the All Out the year before that. Who did she face then. Did she win? Shida seems insulted by that but keeps going, saying Riho got the better of her. But while she’s spent the past year back home, she made a new home - AEW. And she is now the queen of that home, and no amount of Riho will stop.
Riho vs. Thunder Rosa (March 3rd, Dynamite)
We’ve reached our American semi-finals, and 5 days after Yuka Sakazaki’s defeat of VENY - Riho and Thuhder Rosa are set to main event Dynamite. On Saturday Night then, the day before Revolution, we will see the Super 16 Finals streamed on YouTube between Yuka Sakazaki and the winner of this match, with the winner going on to face Hikaru Shida at Revolution. The match starts physical and doesn’t slow down. They go to the mat straight away and trade submission attempts. Rosa then dominates until Riho counters out of a corner charge with a roll up only to get two. Rosa punishes Riho using the ring post. Riho fights back though as she flies off the apron and uses speed to keep Rosa down. She goes for a springboard but is caught midair. Rosa then starts to kick the shit out of Riho, striking her repeatedly. It spills to the floor where Riho mounts a comeback, utilising the ring post to her own advantage this time. With Rosa tied up in the post, Riho runs off the apron with a Double Foot Stomp to the back. It goes into back and forth inside the ring, before Riho flies out once more. Rosa is up first and sets up a table, before they go back inside. Commentary note the No DQ on the outside rule. RIHO HITS A DOUBLE FOOT STOMP TO ROSA OFF THE APRON THROUGH THE TABLE!! They’re both out now, but while down, OUT COMES BRITT BAKER!! SHE HITS ROSA WITH A CHAIR! Riho doesn’t notice as she takes her back inside and covers to win! Britt walks off with a smile on her face, and waves at a fuming Rosa.
Riho defeats Thunder Rosa (23:41)
Finals:
Riho vs. Yuka Sakazaki (March 6th, Super 16)
The Magical Girl comes down happy as ever, high fiving and hugging fans and running circles around the ring in ecstasy. Riho then comes out in her signature dress and also with an umbrella with the Imperial Japanese Flag designed on it. Both women offer their hands to each other, and both embrace before locking up. A collar and elbow is engaged and maintained, Yuka breaks the chains by connecting a Dropkick, followed by another Basement Dropkick! Riho ducks a Lariat attempt and runs the ropes, performing a dizzying array of spins before landing the Tornado DDT! 1.....2....Yuka kicks out! Yuka runs the ropes and hits a Seated Senton in the centre of the ring. She goes for a cover but Riho kicks out. Riho takes Yuka down with a Half Crab. Yuka winces in pain and cries in agony but throws Riho off her leg. Yuka then hits a Slingblade and rolls to the outside.
Riho connects a Baseball Slide Dropkick through the both ropes, before lifting Yuka up and hitting an incredible Deadlift Suplex into the middle of the ring. Excalibur makes note of Riho being 98 lbs so that feat of strength is truly incredible. Yuka connects an Enziguri and begins a Three Amigos. Riho flips out of the last one and hits a Roundhouse Kick followed by Double Foot Stomp! She covers, 1.......2....Kick Out! Riho seems annoyed at this and takes Yuka to the corner. They trade elbows for a bit before Yuka swaps them around and hits a Roundhouse Kick! She then takes Riho to the top turnbuckle. Yuka attempts to hit a Avalanche Butterfly Suplex, but Riho doesn’t move. Riho shoves Yuka onto the apron and Yuka grabs her back in pain. Riho then hits a Diving Double Foot Stomp onto the apron! That receives a holy shit chant as Riho throws her back into the ring and goes to cover.
Yuka rolls into a Fujiwara Armbar! She channels her inner Zack Sabre Jr. and begins to stomp on Riho’s head as she has the submission locked in. Riho rolls forward into a School Boy but Yuka kicks out. Yuka rolls back but is met by a Basement Dropkick! Riho then hits a Northern Lights Suplex! She goes to cover but Yuka rolls out. Yuka whips Riho to the apron. She hits a Dragon Screw on the ropes and connects a Baseball Slide Dropkick! Yuka goes for a Half and Half Suplex on the apron, but Riho gets out and hits a Belly to Back Suplex! Right on the hardest part of the ring as Yuka sells the pain. Riho rolls back into the ring, but is met by a Springboard Front Missile Dropkick by Yuka! Yuka then heads to the top ropes and does a magical pose, Diving Double Foot Stomp! 1........2.....KICK OUT!!! Yuka is now desperate and decides, “fuck it”, and begins a frenzy of attacks.
Any and everything used. Yuka hits a Running Meteora! She goes for another but Riho catches with an Enziguri and then hits a Running Double Foot Stomp! She picks Yuka up and hits a German Suplex but Yuka lands on her feet; Half and Half Suplex! Yuka hits a Slingblade and begins a series of Daniel Bryan like Roundhouses, with a few yes chants thrown in from the audience. She keeps going until Riho ducks one and hits a Bicycle Knee! Yuka responds with a Bicycle Kick! Riho hits an Impaler DDT!!! She gets the crowd going and goes for an Exploder Suplex, but Yuka counters into a Backbody Drop! Yuka then hits the Exploder Suplex followed by a Pendelum Kick! She takes Riho to the top ropes and goes for an Avalanche Butterfly Suplex! RIHO COUNTERS MIDAIR IN A ROLL UP!! 1......2.....3!!!! Riho is going to face Hikaru Shida tomorrow night for the AEW Women’s World Championship!
Riho defeats Yuka Sakazaki (10:17)
AEW Revolution 2021:
Anna Jay vs. Britt Baker vs. Tay Conti vs. Thunder Rosa - Four-way Match
AEW’s Women’s International Eliminator Tournament has come and gone, and with it many women have some grudges held. Thunder Rosa was cost the semi-finals with Riho after Britt Baker interference. This is of course, due to Rosa beating Britt in the First Round. Also, Anna Jay and Tay Conti faced in the First Round where Conti was successful. That drove a wedge between them as we’ve seen. There is enough tension where we need a resolution, and so they’re all put into a match together - whoever is the best comes out on top. The Four-way is made for Revolution, with the winner set to be Shida or Riho’s next challenger in the coming weeks. However before the match, we see Brandi Rhodes come out for the first time in 2 months. She has a mic in hand and says that two years ago there was a similar multi-women match set. That was the during the genesis of AEW. A three-way became a four-way. Now we know how talented of a roster the AEW Women’s Division is, but what if it could be blustered?
Well she’s got the perfect solution to that. How could she make this match even more stacked however? Easy answer, add another women. But not just any women...a Virtuosa. So with a little helping hand, she’s secured someone to really put up a fight. Outcomes Deonna Purazzo. The current Knockouts Champion makes her way out and joins the fray. The crowd applaud loudly at the surprise arrival, as this match is now made a Five-way. Immediately the beefing girls go for each other, Britt and Rosa and Tay and Anna. Deonna meanwhile just picks people off, playing it smart and looking for the win. She’s not fuelled by animosity like the rest, she is just being intelligent. We see the rest of the women all take themselves out to the point Britt turns around into a Jumping DDT and Fujiwara Armbar. She taps out and Purazzo wins the match. She takes the mic afterwards and hoists her Knockouts Championship high. “Who’s ready for a Battle of the Belts?” she says before leaving.
Deonna Purazzo defeats Anna Jay, Britt Baker, Tay Conti and Thunder Rosa (11:17)
Hikaru Shida (c) vs. Riho - AEW Women’s World Championship
We’ve seen the whole tournament so far and the mini-doc of Hikaru Shida. It’s the first majorly built AEW Women’s Championship PPV match...ever, so it’s got some expectations on its shoulders. Shida walks out wearing her attire from the AEW video game trailer, pointed out by Excalibur. Riho is just coming off a match from last night while Shida hasn’t wrestled in nearly a month, so she is fully in control early on. She busts out some early signature moves so the audience get a groove of her once more since it’s been a minute. They go outside where Riho starts to come back and from there it’s back and forth. They recreate the finishing sequence that won it for Riho last time, ending with Riho getting a roll up originally, but this time Shida kicks out! They then keep going as Riho kicks out of a few more moves by Hikaru. Riho goes for a Diving Double Foot Stomp, but she’s hit midair and then by a Tamashii no Three Count! KICK OUT!! They keep fighting as Riho once more tries for the finishing sequence that won it for her last time, but this time it ends when Shida lifts her into a Falcon Arrow! 1..............2..............3!! She wins and retains!
Hikaru Shida defeats Riho (14:56)
We now head into the build for Double or Nothing. However we aren’t all building towards that. See, it’s announced at Revolution a supercard of supercards is set for April 4th. The “Bloodshed Supercard” is coming up, pitting stars from AEW, NJPW, NWA and Impact against one another. The big match advertised is a Lethal Lockdown Match: pitting Kenny Omega, The Good Brothers and Kenta against Jon Moxley and Death Triangle. But also set for the show, we’ll get into detail here. Deonna Purazzo is now the #1 Contender to the AEW Women’s World Championship, and an appearance by her is advertised for the Dynamite after Revolution. She shows up and cuts a typical promo of hers on Hikaru, claiming herself the one true Virtuosa and hyping her credentials. These outmatch everything Shida has ever done, and when they face, she’ll truly outmatch her for all to see.
The match is dubbed “Battle of the Belts” after AEW trademarked that. Knockouts Champion vs. AEW Women’s World Champion. Next week Shida goes to speak, but she’s cut off by Deonna. Purazzo attacks her and beats down the rival champion. She tells Shida she should of stayed in Japan, because now she’s crossed the Pacific she’s in HER country. The Virtuosa runs the place here, and she is going to cement herself as the best champion in the entire country - nay, the world. Later in the night when asked about how she felt of the attack, Hikaru says “Next Tuesday. Impact Wrestling. Watch me.” before leaving. Then, on Impact, we see Hikaru come out after a Ten-person Knockouts Tag Team Match. She looks around with her title, and walks over to the captain of the winning team, Kiera Hogan. She shakes her hand and points back and forth between the two. Kiera vs. Shida is sanctioned for next week on Impact.
They face, but due to Hikaru now being in Deonna’s house, she makes her presence known with an attack. Part of rebuilding the Women’s division is other feuds need to exist in it, so let’s touch on those. Firstly, Leyla Hirsch and her new stable, dubbing themselves “Bloodsport” have made an enemy out of Riho. The two face with the stipulation that the winner will face Serena Deeb for the NWA Women’s Championship. Hirsch wins after making Riho tap. Then in her match with Deeb, a returning Allysin Kay comes out and interferes. Deeb rolls up with her distraction. Leyla doesn’t attack Kay however. After all, she was the fourth women in that Bloodsport tournament along with Hirsch, Kelly and Snow. They offer her a spot but Allysin declines and says she just wants that NWA Women’s Championship back. A Three-way then is made, which ends with Kay pinning Deeb. She gets her title back, and afterwards, offers an embrace to Hirsch. Snow and Kelly get her to accept.
Bloodsport pose together with Allysin Kay now in their rankings, but tension between her and Hirsch is clear after Kay just took the title she’s been craving for weeks. However, they’re now a unit. Also, Anna Jay and Tay Conti. Anna takes a leadership role in The Dark Order as her and Conti slowly start patching things up. They both agree they got lost in the tournament and were drunk off the thought of glory. They hug it out and walk out together. Then, Thunder Rosa and Britt Baker. The first thing we see on Dynamite after Revolution is Thunder Rosa brutalising Britt Baker. She destroys her. She kayfabe reinjures her and puts her back on crutches. Britt doesn’t wrestle after this but has a vendetta against Rosa, and Rosa is likewise. The women all have feuds, with only one revolving around the title, and they actually get TV time on Dynamite. It’s basically just what AEW do with the guys, but the gender is changed. That’s literally how you do women’s wrestling.
Bloodshed Supercard:
Deonna Purrazzo vs. Hikaru Shida - Battle of the Belts
The singles match main event of the show, it’s the heavily anticipated “Battle of the Belts.” Shida is out first, wearing a kimono and carrying her own umbrella to the ring. She twirls it around at the hard camera in a optical illusion before walking down. Deonna is out afterwards and the Virtuosa walks with purpose, hoisting her title over Shida’s head. Hikaru hoists hers up and they meet forehead to forehead. The match the begins. Shida and Deonna trade goods and submissions on the mat before it goes outside and gets physical there. Purrazzo uses the guardrails and ring posts, before taking it to the apron. Shida hits her with a Superkick and runs the ropes inside the ring, dropkicking Purrazzo into part of the set. Once back up they have some stiff back and forth with a lot of shots and strikes to knock the other down. Both women keep kicking out however. We see many moments when Hikaru looks like she’s about to tap but resists and keeps fighting. They head outside once again where Deonna hits a Backbody Drop onto the floor. Once back inside, Shida hits a Falcon Arrow into a Tamashii no Three Count to win. Afterwards her and Deonna resiliently shake hands in respect.
Hikaru Shida defeats Deonna Purrazzo (25:10)
Heading out of Bloodshed Supercard, Britt Baker and Thunder Rosa are still battling it out. Britt is set to return to action on the April 14th edition of Dynamite, where she will face Rosa in a No Disqualification, No Countout Match. It’s a brutal bout with Britt showing the aggression she did in her Tooth and Nail Match on Rosa. She ends up winning after a chairshot and kendo stick assisted Lockjaw makes Rosa pass out. Meanwhile, Hikaru Shida continues her trail of dominance over the AEW Women’s division. She’s earned the respect of Deonna Purazzo’s who’s gonna back off to Impact. Shida cuts a promo in English after the match saying she wants more of the Knockouts, and they are an amazing group of girls. She once again faces Kiera Hogan, this time on Dynamite, with interference banned. They have a clean bout that ends with Shida once again winning. They shake hands afterwards. This is Hogan’s first AEW match and she makes a big splash, but comes up short.
Next in line is Nyla Rose, who is still with Vickie Guerrero but their relationship is going very sour. Nonetheless, as we approach a year after Hikaru took the belt from Nyla, they’re set to face one more - this time it’s 2 Out of 3 Falls. It’s an excellent bout that ends with Shida winning by falling onto Nyla after the two basically kill themselves. Nyla the next week cuts a promo on Shida, saying she wants one final shot, and if she loses - she will never challenge for the title while Shida is champion again. This is when Britt Baker gets involved and puts her stamp on the picture. She limps down on a crutch as that match with Rosa as temporarily hurt her again. She cuts a mini promo of her own, before blasting Nyla with the crutch. A #1 Contenders Match is set up, with the winner going on to face Hikaru at Double or Nothing.
Britt wins after a very hard fought and brutal contest. Afterwards, Tony Schiavone comes out and reads a letter from Brandi. She congratulates both women on the incredible match. She then announces Nyla as the first women to take part in the AEW Women’s Casino Ladder Match at Double or Nothing. In the final weeks before Double or Nothing, Britt cuts some very passionate promos about the struggle she’s went through to even become a wrestler, and as soon as she became the best thing in this company she was injured. But this time, nothing is going to stop her. She’s not going to be hindered by dentistry, not by trying to being a good guy, and not by injury. She will be victorious. Reba is banned from ringside, as if she gets involved Britt automatically loses. Baker is now fuelled by anger as she wants to take down the unstoppable Hikaru Shida.
Then, our other stories. Well the premier one is the aforementioned Women’s Casino Ladder Match. Once more it’s decided there’s too much beef amongst the AEW Women’s division, so Tony Khan’s solution is to throw nine of them into a ladder match, and whoever isn’t dead by the end gets an AEW Women’s Championship shot. And just like last time, there will be a mystery participant. Women gradually get announced via AEW’s Twitter, with Nyla Rose as the first on TV before they slowly start adding names to the field, like they did last year. Anna Jay and Tay Conti are announced together, Serena Deeb, Leyla Hirsch, Riho etc. Thunder Rosa and Abadon face once more after their epic match in the Super 16. Abadon hits a Spear into part of the stage which takes them both out and it goes to a double countout. Both women are then put into the match, with the ninth women remaining a mystery.
Double or Nothing 2021:
Abadon vs. Anna Jay vs. Leyla Hirsch vs. Nyla Rose vs. Riho vs. Serena Deeb vs. Tay Conti vs. Thunder Rosa vs. ??? - Women’s Casino Ladder Match
Serena Deeb and Nyla Rose start it off hot, Nyla trying to dominate but Deeb using her strength to counteract. Tay Conti comes in and her and Deeb come to a babyface arrangement to take the big women down. Thunder Rosa follows suit and starts to mix it up with everyone. Leyla Hirsch, Anna Jay, Riho and Abadon all come out and continue the fight. It’s multi-man chaos, with each women sabotaging the other from getting that poker chip. They all want the prize. Killer Kelly at one point tries to walk down and help out Hirsch, but Riho valiantly takes her on and brawls with her to the back. She then dives off the stage with a Crossbody into Lindsay Snow and Killer Kelly. Allysin Kay comes out and puts her through a part of the stage to take her out.
Riho comes back, freshly bruised by Kay, and looks to climb the ladder, but Anna Jay pushes her down. She then starts to taunt and mock the 9th and final entrant while she waits for them to appear...and it’s RETURNING KRIS STATLANDER! Statlander comes in and wrecks house; takes out all the people involved while the action continues. Abadon lets out a mighty scream as she goes to climb the ladder. Tay and Anna push her off and meet at the top. They then start throwing shots at each other. They all fall under Thunder Rosa pushes them off and climbs up, grabbing the poker chip and holding it high it in triumph. She now with a future AEW Women’s World Championship match locked in. She takes the mic and tells Hikaru “good luck - you’ll need it.” before dropping it and heading to the back.
Thunder Rosa wins the Women’s Casino Ladder Match (16:35)
Hikaru Shida (c) vs. Britt Baker - AEW Women’s World Championship
Baker comes out without Reba for the first time in a long time, pure determination on her face to succeed. Both women put their heart and soul into the match, pouring every last bit of fight they’ve got in. Britt gets a Lockjaw in near the end and refuses to let go when Shida grabs the ropes. The ref has to physically pull her off, ONLY FOR SHIDA TO HIT ONE FINAL TAMASHII NO THREE COUNT!! She pins and wins.
Hikaru Shida defeats Britt Baker (10:21)

Just read a fight story on here, and was reminded of one of my own. Sorry for the book.
​
I'd just come on shift late at night at the casino job i was working, and i'm on all the way to the morning. I've been awake for about 30 minutes, and it's my Friday. I'm looking at the chair at the Security desk like it's just baked me a plate of cookies and wants to give me a rub down. One guy is getting off and leaving, and the other guy i'm on with for another couple hours. He gives me the run down on the nights events so far and where things stand in the casino. He shows me a picture of a guy and tells me he was kicked out about an hour ago, and that he was highly intoxicated. I'm looking at the picture and asking if we have his name. He tells me he doesn't think so, and l start checking our system to see if someone has ID'd someone with his description at some time. The guy is about 5'8" and a stalky 160lbs. I'm asking what happened and if there's an incident report on it or if we can expect any other paperwork coming down from the top. We're discussing it, and i look up at the security monitors and guess who is coming through the front door.
"Is this the guy, coming in now?"
"Yeah. I got this."
I was glad my partner took the lead on this one. I've literally been on the clock for 2 minutes.
"Hey! You know you can't be here. We've already been over this."
"I just want a drink!" he says
He initially wanted to blow by us but my partner was able to keep him calm enough to keep him from blowing up. My partner managed to trick him into giving up his ID so we can get his name. I don't remember exactly, but i think he got him to talk about his heritage (my partner was a pacific islander and so was the person in question) saying he didn't believe him and ask what his last name was, and then telling him he had to show him his ID to get him to believe it. I think he must have handed it off to me, and i put him in our ID scanner system because i remember having his ID in front of me. My partner negotiated that he would call him a cab if he waits for it outside. The drunk guy agrees and my partner goes to call a cab, giving me a significant look that clearly said "keep an eye on this one."
I sit back down in my chair, and the guy is not leaving. And worse, he's agitating. I'm sitting there straight up ignoring him, as he just talks and talks, but he wants trouble.
"Is this all you do? You just sit here doing nothing all day. You little bitch."
All i can do is sigh. I wasn't concerned with what he was saying. I've heard it all before. My concern was with his bodily behavior. Loose, unconcerned, and dangerous. This guy is spun on something other than alcohol, and I can see where this is going, so i get up to get rid of him. I just want to settle into that rub down from the sexy security chair until i fully wake up, but i've got to get rid of this guy first.
"Come on, let's go wait for your cab, it's on the way, you're going to want to be outside when it gets here."
He comes with me.
Just inside the front door we had kind of a foyer with a couple leather seats, a leather couch, side tables, and a glass top coffee table. He stops walking with me and sits at the couch. Now, i'm not totally against him waiting for his cab there, except i know i'm going to have to babysit him if he does, and i don't want to have to do that. Especially because he's already been kicked out and isn't supposed to be on the property at all. Period. I can understand my partner wanting to resolve this whole thing peacefully and easily, but if i had taken the lead on this one, the guy is leaving, now, one way or another, and he's clearly just...not right. I want him far away.
"Hey, come on, you're not going to see your cab from in here."
"I don't need it. I'm not going anywhere. I just want a drink!"
"We can't give you anything else to drink."
After some confrontation i'm content to just leave him there and wait for my partner to finish calling the cab and then he can watch him. It's just not worth escalating. But it wasn't to be. He defiantly picked up his feet and slammed them down on the glass top coffee table. Well that's not going to do. I'm the one who has to clean that thing, and i'm not too happy to have to clean up skid marks from rubber boots.
I tell him as much and he takes his feet down. I tell him to get up and wait for his cab outside. He defiantly picks his feet back up, and slams them back down on the table. Toddlers. Drunk gamblers are nothing but toddlers. Well i'm not going to clean up broken glass, and he's messing up the table, so i grab the table, drag it from under his feet, and place it behind me.
"Stand up, it's time to go." There is just something about him. He's not right. He's fully engaged, but his mind is not all there.
He does get up. I set myself about 45 degrees and a step away from him, gesturing toward the door, giving him a clear avenue.
"Let's go! There's the door."
And then he hit me. In hindsight i should have seen it coming. I gave him every opportunity to do it. His fist struck in my lower abdomen, but it took me a second to register. I was actually happy he'd chosen this route. It simplifies things. No negotiating, no civility necessary, and no customer service needed. I have license to stick my boot up his ass and wear him like a shoe. My first reaction was to call on my boxing training, and the violence of my football and wrestling experience. Unfortunately, my training took over and i went into no injury capture mode. I guess i just don't have it in me to beat some rando senseless.
I grabbed him under-hook with my right arm and dragged him to the ground. We both go down, but i keep hold of him and pull him up, pushing him forward through the push-pull door to the atrium, where he falls down next to a water feature before the automatic doors that open up to the outside. I admit that i deliberately tried to open the push-pull doors with his face but he managed to put his hands up first. I can hear people behind me screaming and someone yelled "Oh my God! They're fighting!" I'm already on top of the guy, working him into a pretzel, instincts i guess from wrestling for a decade, when my partner comes barrelling in and dives on top, too. This gives me an opportunity to get a hold of surveillance (I think it was actually on my partners radio. Fights are hectic.) and have them get the police on the way and start getting good footage. I didn't need to, they were already on it. Turns out they were also doing a shift change at the same time we were, and were having the same conversation me and my partner were having when they saw the guy walking in.
I put the guy in a cradle (this except from on top, if that makes sense) and stood up with him. I have to tell my partner to let go of him. I walked him through the automatic doors and dropped him on the pavement. He tried to get up and scurry away, but i gave him a shove and he fell flat on the ground where i sat on top of him, my weight deliberately back on his hips so that i have control of him but also to make sure i'm not cutting off his ability to breathe. I'd learned years previously that putting weight too far forward, putting too much weight on the diaphragm, could actually suffocate someone. This is where it becomes apparent that he's spun up on something. According to surveillance, the time between him hitting me, and him hitting the pavement outside was about 25 seconds. I was too quick for him to fight back, but now he had his chance, about 10 minutes worth, while we waited for the police, but this tiny guy, about 160lbs, starts doing what amounts to pushups with me on his back, shaking to try and get me off. The veins in his neck or bulging and he's screaming. I weigh close to 300lbs. This shouldn't be possible.
I have good position over him, so it doesn't matter what kind of hulk strength he comes up with, he's not going anywhere. If he manages to out muscle me, or gain advantage by getting his hips out, i planned on slipping him into a crab ride and rolling him. (Crab ride is what i know it as. Don't know what other people call it. Legs wrapped around the outside of theirs from the rear, feet hooked inside their knees, arms under hooked from behind like a backpack, and cheek pressed into their back to protect from elbows and bashes from the back of their head) He starts kicking and throwing elbows. My partner sits on his lower legs, and i take his right arm, roll it under him, and put it in a vertical bar in the center of his back. He's not doing anything with one arm. No cuffs and no gear for this job (Stupid state laws. Which is why i had gear in my car, but that hardly helps me at this point), so i just have to hold him like this for a while.
He's done. He keeps struggle but to no avail. He starts yelling things like "let me go" and whatever, but i just told him "Nope, we're just going to sit here and wait for the police. Next time don't pick a fight with someone twice your size...and throw a better punch." I have this great visual memory of the on duty manager (not the pit boss i've talked about before) standing over us with my radio in his hands, which had fallen off in the scuffle, talking to surveillance, but not daring to get his hands dirty.
The police arrive. I think 3 cars in total but 5 guys. They come to take over. I help cuff him because i've already got one of his arms, and he resists them with the other one, but two guys wrench his other arm around and get the other cuff on. I look to the police officers for direction, but they don't really offer any, so i kind of gesture to switch out with an officer, and push both hands in the center of the guys back while i stand up to keep him from trying to base up. Once i'm up, i remove my hands and, i guess sensing freedom, he goes nuts. A couple of the cops hop on the bull ride and i step back. They search him and two guys drag him by his arms to the back of an Explorer. One of the officers comes to me and asks what happened, and i tell him. And he asks if i'm going to want to press charges. I tell him no, we just need him formally trespassed, and taken out of here. They say they're going to probably be taking him to detox anyway.
I know a lot of the officers, so we're standing around talking for a minute. The guy starts going nuts in the back of the Explorer, kicking and head banging, screaming...the whole works. They put their heads together for a minute and decide they have to go in and hog tie him. I've seen this done one of three ways. One involves a taser, a lot of paperwork, and EMT's. One involves OC spray, EMT's, one very pissed off officer whose vehicle is now contaminated, and a sizable amount of paperwork. The third involves five police officers and still more paperwork. They choose five guys and paperwork.
They line up on both sides of the back doors and open them both up. The first guys on each side dive in and try to force him out to the waiting arms of the other officers. In the struggle, he spins around and kicks one of the officers in the chest, forcing him back. Seeing a little bit of daylight, he manages to scoot around and throw himself out of the vehicle to glorious fresh air...Except he's handcuffed with his hands behind his back and does a majestic dolphin dive face first into the pavement instead.
The officers pile back on top of him and calm him down with knees on the back of his neck, back, and his legs which they have now tied up to his handcuffs. Now that the guy has officially messed himself up, they have to call EMT's, anyway, and do all the extra paperwork, i'm sure. One of the officers is standing at the guys head with no real-estate left to place his own knee. The subject hawks back and spits at him. The officer steps back and gives this exact expression and look. I recognized it instantly from this movie and laughed.
"Did he just spit on you?" one of the officers says.
"He spit at me, yeah" the other one responds.
They have to put the spit mask on him. They should have just tased him to begin with, but that's just me.
It's probably another 10 minutes for the EMT's to get there. I'm just watching all this from about 10 yards away. It's great. Customers, who have never given the littlest rabbit turd shit about me, are coming out asking if i'm alright and watching the show. It's the most concern i've ever felt working security. He's screaming at the top of his lungs "POLICE BRUTALITY! POLICE BRUTALITY!" Wish i were the surveillance guys so i could play that footage back anytime i wanted. (I'm sorry if i come off as less than empathetic) After i get my radio back i make sure the surveillance guys in the back are getting a good play by play for their video. It becomes more of a show than i can describe on here.
Eventually the EMT's get there and all the police officers help get him onto the gurney and tied down. I don't know if they gave him a sedative, or if they're aloud to do that, but i would have. I felt really bad for the EMT's. They throw him in the back of the ambulance, tied down, and take him away. Some of the officers go with them obviously, but the rest are standing around and we're just talking. My partner that night knows those guys better than me from his previous job, so they're catching up.
"Well, i've got to go start some paperwork." I tell them, dismissing myself.
"Yeah. We've got a bit to do, too."
I went back inside and did my paperwork, got and shared necessary information with surveillance, got some paperwork from them, processed some paperwork, and finished the next 7 hours of my shift and started my weekend.
I went home and went to sleep. When i woke up i looked up the guys name in the city, county, and nearby jail systems, but he didn't show up in any of them. I thought it was weird because surely he had a few charges on him (kicking a police officer in the chest, spitting at said officers for instance) now even though i declined to press any. Destruction of public property, resisting arrest, and assault on a peace officer came to mind. I guess it's possible they patched him up, put him in a drunk tank, and released him in the morning, but i thought it was unlikely. When i got back to work on my Monday i learned what happened. One of the Shift Managers knew a guy at the county detention center and told me that when they pulled the guy out of detox in the morning, he was still spun up on whatever (supposedly PCP) he took, and when they put him in front of a judge, he tried to take a lunge at him, so they chucked him back in a cell. I'm pretty sure that counts as some kind of threat to a public official. This story was corroborated by my partner who inquired with some of the officers he's friends with that dealt with him. When i got home i checked on him again, and sure enough, he was processed later on in the day i'd checked originally. Last i heard, he had out-standings in another state and they hadn't decided what to do with him yet. I never checked on him again after that, though, and have since forgotten his name.
Do yourselves a favor: don't pick a fight with someone twice your size, whose job involves getting in fights with people. All this guy had to do was leave. No police, no charges, no jail, nothing. Instead he's probably since been extradited to whatever state he had out-standings in and has an intimate relationship with a 6 foot, 9 inch (those are separate measurements) guy named Tyrone.

This is the best review of Hugh Cook's Chronicles of an Age of Darkness ever written, and it is written in German! English translation below. It's almost perfect.
https://postmondaen.net/2016/05/15/genre-experimente-hugh-cook/
(Google Translate.)

Genre experiments: Hugh Cook

05/15/16by Dennis Mombauer Comments 2 📷
Hugh Cook's Chronicles of an Age of Darkness is a ten-volume fantasy cycle that uses literary ingenuity and experimental techniques to break through classic genre boundaries, break them and leave them far behind. In addition to a diverse, wacky world and the precise, black-humored rendition of human realities, the author's willingness to experiment is expressed above all in a multitude of voices and perspectives: in his writing style, which changes from volume to volume, and the interconnectivity of the volumes, which tell separate stories, but constantly encounter, influence and overlap.
A guest contribution by Dennis Mombauer .
Fantasy - at least immersive, ie that takes place completely in a secondary world - is contrary to the perhaps obvious intuition, a conservative genre. A world built from scratch, foreign cultures and magic would allow every imaginable long-distance and high-altitude flight of the imagination, but the majority of fantasy authors fall back on the same conventions that were established by Tolkien and his imitators in the middle of the last century. At the beginning of classic fantasy stories there is always a carefully put together, often pseudo-medieval setting dollhouse that is threatened by evil and saved by protagonists, who are dug out of the shared archetype box by their authors. The plot runs on the same, often messianic, rails laid according to Campbell's mono myth, at the end of which the status quo is restored and the readership can lean back contentedly. All too often, fantasy is a »comfort genre« (Williams 2007) that, by tradition, unnecessarily limits its altitude itself and is dragged to the ground by reactionary resentments.

Golden gulags and dark ages

An exception to this rule is the British-New Zealand author Hugh Cook (1956-2008), who remained almost unknown outside of a small fan base and only moderately successful commercially, which could already indicate the experimental nature of his literature. His main works are the "Chronicles of an Age of Darkness", a megalomaniac fantasy cycle of 60 volumes, of which ten were written in the end and published between 1986 and 1992: And these ten volumes fire with such a firework of literary ingenuity and experimental techniques against the grids of the classic genre cage suggest that little more than ash and burned-in shadows remain of them. The world devised by Cook for his "Chronicles" towers as a mountain range over every dollhouse fantasy, is more of a sandbox and construction box than a carefully assembled toy. Individual novels span decades, various continents, islands and regions are visited, and almost everything is possible: pseudomagic »synergetic improbability«, wandering mountains, circularly lined up teleportation doors and arenas with monstrous giant minkes; a space academy whose AI director continues to train pilots even though the spaceships only exist in illusion tanks; mighty banking consortia, wish-fulfilling machine flowers, magic bottles inside magic bottles; ghostly Ilpse, who dissolve when asking questions, the skulls of the deep south, Asmen, the Odex, etc. etc. pp. Integrated into the intercosmic, probability-manipulating mega-civilization of the Nexus, the planet in the center of the setting is a former prison and therapy complex (the "Golden Gulag") that lost all connection to the Nexus thousands of years ago and fell back into a partially medieval post-apocalypse. Such a mixture of fantasy and science fiction elements is not new, and although Cook does it in a very original, often bizarre way (and does not emphasize the extraordinary, just mentions it in passing), it is not what makes it Novels escape the mainstream.

Human and non-human realities

In Cook's world, the potential of almost unlimited possibilities is fully exploited, and yet at the same time it remains down to earth, realistic in the psychology and physiology of its inhabitants. Humans (and human-like life forms) come in a variety of colors and shapes, of which black and white are just the beginning: for example, there are the islanders of Ebrell with their red skin, the purple-colored frangoni, the metallic-gold-skinned, milk-eyed inhabitants von Ling or the green-haired and bearded Slagger Mulps ("two thumbs and three fingers on each hand"; Cook 1988, 83); In addition, there is also a multitude of different ethnic groups, castes, cultures and subcultures:

"As had already been stated, Dog was a member of the Yara, the Unreal underclass of Dalar ken Halvar's dominant people, the Pang. Dog wanted to join the Free Corps, but membership of that august body was largely restricted to Ebrell Islanders and members of the Chem, the wealthy upper class of Dalar ken Halvar's Pang. "(Cook 1992, 46)

Racism, discrimination, pogroms, forced relocations and sometimes tolerance occur between the various groups; For example, the islanders of Ebrell on Untunchilamon are considered alcoholics, troublemakers and, if necessary, scapegoats, while in Dalar ken Halvar they belong to the most influential population groups. Diverse languages ​​and dialects lead to misunderstandings or misunderstandings, local customs are diverse, and there are different currencies, laws, religions and traditions:

“› I demand ‹, he repeated,› to see the ambassador of the Narba Consortium. Don't you understand? Ambassador! ‹But his captors spoke no Gaelish. Nor did they understand High Churl, City Churl, Field Churl, Ashmarlan, Lorp Talk, Estral, Rovac, Ligin or Ling, which was almost the sum-total of the languages ​​Jon Arabin spoke. "(Cook 1988, 375)

Classic fantasy creatures such as dragons, minotaurs, demons or orcs (hunted because of their oily trans and threatened with extinction) exist alongside high-tech machines and post-lovecraftian nightmare creatures, other protagonists are even more unusual: for example Shabble, a former toy , almost indestructible miniature sun or a gigantic hermit crab, which is in fact an inorganic, probability-manipulating entity from the heart of the local star. Cook builds a colorful world full of human (and non-human) abysses, showcasing all the light and dark sides of human nature, and ruthlessly opposing its protagonists. Oppression, torture, disease, hunger, thirst, alcoholism, betrayal, cannibalism and madness are ubiquitous; Armies on the march are constantly threatened by unrest, unrestrained pillage, excesses of violence and desertion; Ships of mutinies, intrigues, storms and sea monsters; Travelers end up in dungeons because they cannot pay a bribe, warriors lose their hands or more (Guest Gulkan loses both arms and legs in the middle of his more than seven hundred-year history). Cook's protagonists are mostly not heroes, not even antiheroes; they are villains and drifters, egoists in search of their own gain, often self-inflicted difficulties in the way, which perish by their own greed or celebrate great successes with their unscrupulous actions - and Cook puts the reader in these characters without taking sides for (or against) them.

A narrator with many tongues ...

A diverse, often wacky world and human realities are not yet experimental in themselves, even if they break with the classic conventions of the fantasy genre in many places - mixtures of SciFi and fantasy abound, merciless medieval realism at the latest with »Game of Thrones ”(albeit clearly after Cook) reached the mainstream. There are primarily two peculiarities that highlight the Chronicles series and perhaps cannot be found anywhere else in a comparable form: On the one hand, Cook's writing style, which changes in each volume, always maintains a certain distance and thus one (or more) additional ones to the story Level (s) conferred; and on the other hand the fact that the novels all tell closed stories, but constantly overlap, intersect and illuminate the same events from different angles. First to Cook's writing style, which makes him an omniscient, constantly commenting narrator, who delves into digressions (comparable to Moers' Mythenmetzschen digressions) and punishes "show, don't tell" rules with contempt:

"[Gouda Muck] was, quite possibly, the only atheist in the city of Cam. Most citizens enjoyed the practice of religion - indeed, for many devout souls, its consolations were all that made life worth living. But Gouda Muck was born to be a dissident. He refused to believe in the demon Hagon, far less to worship that formidable eater of souls. He also avoided those sacred religious duties usually accepted even by unbelievers, viz: patronizing the temple casinos; copulating with the temple prostitutes; playing the temple numbers game; going to the temple cockfights; participating in the human sacrifices. His main objection to all the above activities was that they cost an exorbitant amount of money. "(Cook 1988, 58-59)

Cook takes the typical genre elements - the young hero who sets out into the world, the battles, the prophecies, the ancient magicians - and confronts them with the psychological mechanisms and dark spots that are usually left out. The hero goes out into the world and comes back without having learned anything; the rightful heir moves out to take his throne and is broken and traumatized along the way; the revolutionary realizes that the story is not about him. Clichés and conventions are deconstructed without the story stalling, and Cook observes and comments on all of this from a withdrawn observer position that combines black humor and dry understatement:

"Another vessel was connected to the Gol-sa-danjerk by grappling hooks. Copious quantities of blood on the deck suggested that the connection had not been entirely welcome. Indeed, Drake observed that most of the crew had become corpses. "(Cook 1988, 82)

A remarkable element is the fact that the language changes with the narrator in each volume and appears almost as a separate character with idiosyncrasies and a multitude of idiosyncrasies. What in the first volume could almost pass as the voice of a traditional fantasy writer is in the fifth volume the cynical commentator on a picaresque story; in volume 3, a female point of view is adopted, which is rather rare in fantasy, which, according to the author, is one of the reasons for the series' commercial failure. (Cook 2005) The sixth volume consists of the recordings of an inmate of the Dromdanjerie, the psychiatric institution on the island of Untunchilamon, which are packed into different meta-levels à la House of Leaves: The records were first used by the »redactors of Odrum« with enormous amounts (» a full two million words «, Cook 1990, 5) provided with explanations and insertions, which in turn were cut out by another authority so that only the voices of a few prominent editors remained (as the preface to the preface explains). The seventh volume consists of the diary-like writing of the same inmate, who now seems cured of his madness and has dispensed with the commentary levels; Volume 8 is thematically based on Nordic sagas and takes place entirely at night, Volume 9 gets lost in technical debauchery on the nexus and (pseudo) scientific explanations. Most of these volumes alone would be reason enough to declare Cook's work to be experimental, but each of them represents only one of the ten facets of innovation and originality, which together form a colorful kaleidoscope.

... and a narrator with many eyes

The other big experiment of the »Chronicles« is the fact that each band tells its own story, has its own protagonists and locations, but is still linked to the other stories and constantly has interfaces. For example, the central protagonist of the tenth volume is introduced on the first page of the first book and appears in a large number of other volumes, sometimes only as a brief encounter, sometimes as an apparent deus ex machina or antagonist. A frequently cited example is a scene from The Walrus and the Warwolf in which Drake Douay is led into the torture chamber of the local ruler Watashi:

"Watashi's private torture chamber was a soundproof room containing a narrow wooden bench, which bore an ominous number of russet stains, and many ugly implements of iron. Drake did his thinking - and fast. Clearly posing as an innocent peddlar was not going to save him. "(Cook 1988, 352)

The same scene is exposed as a psychological trick in the next book from Watashi's perspective:

"[Drake] was gagged and taken to an abandoned store room. Over the last three days, this had been converted into a horror house. Many ugly implements of iron had been gathered together; a torture bench had been installed; and Jarl had slaughtered a chicken in the room to make sure it was suitably blood-bespattered. "(Cook 1989, 303)

The scene is one element of many, and even more than direct encounters, numerous descriptions and reports of events ensure that the ten volumes taken together are reminiscent of a more trashy version of Rashomon or a more extensive and complex anticipation of films like Babel or 21 Grams. Information spreads uncontrollably, and the events of one novel become the distorted rumors and legends of the next and the one after that; Due to geographical distances and inadequate means of transport, messages reach other places with enormous delay, and there is hardly anyone who does not constantly lie for his own benefit. Again and again the protagonists of other volumes play supporting roles, are mentioned in reports or set in motion events in the background that appear from the respective perspective like unchangeable fate, but in their own story are quite normal actions. Conflicts do not arise from the fact that some characters are good and others are bad; they arise from conflicting motivations, insufficient information and often pure coincidence.

Limitations and limits exceeded

There would be a lot more to say about Hugh Cook, about his biography which is closely related to the novels, his short stories, his crazy homepage (unfortunately only available via Wayback Machine or similar), his later novels such as To Find and Wake the Dreamer or even just to the titles of his "Chronicles" volumes, which range from the classic (The Wizards and the Warriors) to the comical (The Walrus and the Warwolf) to the exotic (The Wishstone and the Wonderworkers) - but time and space are limited, and therefore it must suffice to sum up that he explored the scope of the genre with his novels, far exceeded the limits and dared the experiments that classic fantasy so urgently needs.
Bibliography:
Cook, Hugh (1988): The Walrus and the Warwolf. London: Corgi Books Cook, Hugh (1989): The Wicked and the Witless. London: Corgi Books. Cook, Hugh (1990): The Wishstone and the Wonderworkers. London: Corgi Books. Cook, Hugh (1992): The Worshipers and the Way. London: Corgi Books. Cook, Hugh (2005): http://zenvirus.com/hugh-cook/bibliography-novels.html (accessed via Wayback Machine; as of July 22, 2012) Willams, Tad (2007): Interview. http://fantasyhotlist.blogspot.de/2007/02/interview-with-tad-williams_15.html (as of November 28, 2013)

TLDR: This is an unbelievably long post, so feel free to scroll down to the numbered list of suggestions for future updates and read a small bit of each one.
I want to preface this post by saying that I really hope somebody from Rare reads this eventually and acknowledges that they will at least consider these ideas. Not only because a lot of the ideas are wanted by the SoT community, but also because I have been the biggest Rare fan ever since childhood and it would mean so much to me knowing that my all time favorite company on Earth (and creators of the greatest game of all time: Banjo Kazooie) have responded to my post.
With that said, I have been playing SoT since close to the beginning of the game's release and would love nothing more than to see it continue to improve. It is an astounding game that I love and enjoy playing almost every night. This game has been my #1 choice for a while now and has allowed me, my family, and my friends to come together as pirates. What a dream come true!
I have spent lots of time and energy compiling a comprehensive list of all the major suggestions that I have seen on this thread and other SoT forums, along with a handful of some original ideas. I know some of these suggestions would take a lot more manpower to execute than other suggestions, so I am simply asking that the feasible ones can be released in future updates. I am also going to make it a point not to talk about bugs or other programming/coding issues, I won't pretend to know enough about any of that. These are simply suggestions that would vastly improve every pirate's experience on the seven seas. This list was not wirtten in any particular order and does not become less interesting as it goes on, so I urge you to please take the time to read the whole post and consider each point. Here are the things we would all love to see come to your game in the near future:

1. More skins - This is the most obvious one and would probably be the least intensive of any of the suggestions on this list. Many people have already bought all the skins they want or have bought literally every skin there is to buy! Technically, the "goal" of the game is to collect gold, and as of right now, the only thing you can possibly spend gold on is skins. So why not add more? Like, LOTS more? I don't mean one more set or some exclusive drops you can get through Twitch, I mean get your design team blasting out concepts day and night and double our current options! Shoot, there are hundreds, if not thousands of incredible fan-made drawings online, you could even offer payments to those people and take the concepts that have already been provided to you! The more skins, the more incentive there is to keep playing. And by the way, Pirate Legends could use more exclusive skins as well.
   
2. More ship customization - Being able to customize your player is awesome, and being able to customize your ship is even cooler, but why can I customize so many aspects of my player, but not my ship? With my pirate, I can customize every detail down to the belt, the peg leg, the patch over the eye, and the tattoos on his chest. With my ship, I only have a few customization options available. Allow me to make my ship way more unique than I currently can. Don't make "hull" one thing, split that into 5! Let me choose my mast colors, my deck color, the color of the side of my ship, everything individually! And add other fun customization options, like your harpoons, the tip of the front of your ship (I don't know the name of it), maybe even the placement of your supply bins! And please, for the love of goodness, let me customize my rowboat. WE ALL WANT UNIQUE ROWBOATS.
   
3. Skill-based combat - I think the SoT community by now is all aware that this game is not about hand to hand combat. However, the combat as of right now is just a little robotic and stale. If there was any way to improve the sword and gun fighting, that would be incredible. It doesn't have to become some combo heavy Street Fighter game, but it would be nice to add in some new types of slashes or kicks or something of the sorts. I don't think the community is asking for a combat overhaul, but just some spice.
   
4. New weapons - The guns in this game seem diverse and balanced, but this game desperately needs more hand to hand weapons than just a sword. Let me hack with an axe, whip around a heavy chain, poke with a fencing sword, SOMETHING else. We don't need tons of new options, we just need new options. If there were maybe 3 weapons, it could turn into a game of rock paper scissors or something like that where certain weapons counter others. Variety is nice!
   
5. Axes - I know I just mentioned axes as an example for new weapons, but I've seen a lot of complaints from the community about how impossible it is to do anything once you've boarded an enemy ship and killed the players. You have very few options to put holes in their boat and sink it, and the few options that you do have are usually extremely time consuming and difficult to pull off. This is especially frustrating for solo players who put in so much time and effort to take out a whole crew and try to sink their ship and steal their loot. A weapon such as an axe would solve this problem. If a player was holding an axe, they could methodically bust holes into a ship and sink it without having a cannoneer on their own ship. Now, I can see how this sounds unfair because obviously s galleon crew will just jump on another ship and start hacking away. To avoid this issue, make is so there's only one axe per ship, so only one crew member can carry it (it would teleport back to the ship after not being used for 1 minute). This weapon would obviously have to be balanced, but I don't think it would be that difficult to do.
   
6. Cannon and harpoon variability - You know how you can go into the weapon box and choose between 3 different guns? Why can't you do that with your cannons or your harpoons? Put a new box next to the ship customization box on the dock at each outpost that allows you to change the type of cannon or harpoon you want on your ship until the next time you dock at an outpost. Make a quick reloading cannon that can shoot far but can only make tiny holes in a ship. Make an ultra powerful cannon that can shoot all the way through an entire ship and blow multiple giant holes, but takes a full 5 seconds to reload. Make a harpoon with twice the range that can only grab loot and people. Make a sturdy harpoon with half the range that will never break off an enemy boat as it turns. Also, it might be fun to be able to customize the placement of the cannons and harpoons (with limited options, so it stays fair). All of this would make sailing the seas more enjoyable to each individual crew and would give them the fighting experience they want.
   
7. Expand the map - I don't know how else to say it, but we've been playing on the same map and sailing to the same islands for a long time. I understand there have been some minor changes, but the addition of the Devil's Roar was absolutely jaw dropping and we want more! I'm sure this would entail a LOT of work and would have other implications such as upping the number of ships on each server, but it would be absolutely worth it. The more you are able to expand the map, the happier your player base would be.
   
8. New bad guys - Skeletons are cool, but not cool enough to only fight them for years. We could use other enemies like large animals (such as bears, wolves octopuses), elementals, warriors from Atlantis, etc. I also saw a really fun suggestion for giant invulnerable crabs that you have to throw a blunder bomb at them to flip them over, and then you can slash or shoot their bellies. I even saw an amazing drawing that a guy made of a monster even larger and more terrifying than the Kraken: Cthulhu!! I know that the Kraken only spawns once after completing a major event, but maybe Cthulhu could spawn only after somebody completes the FotD (or he could be the main boss of the fort). That would be an interesting idea!
   
9. New types of wood - As long as I have been playing, we have always had many types of cannonballs. About a year ago, you guys added new types of fruit. Well, the third basic component to staying alive is wood, so why do we only have one type of wood? Heck,we even have 3 types of fish bait! There should be more types of wood, like oak, maple, pine, etc. and give each of them a different boat repair time. Maybe one piece of wood could withstand one cannonball shot and be much rarer than the other woods (similar to that of a pineapple). This wouldn't drastically improve the game, but it's just one of those small things that gives the game more diversity and makes it more fun!
   
10. New types of loot - Again, this is simply to add diversity to the game. Some players seem to get bored seeing the same things over and over, so just create new types of loot with new looks and new names! Also, it would be nice to be surprised when we open up a door to a fort, kill a megalodon, finish a quest, etc. rather than know almost exactly what we're going to be rewarded with. Maybe you could make some megs randomly have WAY more gold, or maybe some forts will have like 10 stronghold chests and that's it. Just shake it up a bit to surprise us.
    
11. Add more ships to servers - Server hopping is not healthy from a server management perspective. While the emissary system is a step towards fixing server hopping, it is not having its intended effect due to the lack of players using emissaries. Increasing the ship total on a server to about 8 could help this. Also, don't allow servers to be missing ships (at least, not for a long time). Some servers feel so empty because they're not completely filled. As players log in, they should only fill into servers that need more ships rather than just starting up a new server.
    
12. Single person ship - I don't know how passionately I personally want this one because I love the sloop and believe it's perfectly suitable for one person, but I've seen a lot of threads about people wanting a ship more tailored to one pirate. It would be fun just to have a tiny little sail boat to cruise around the ocean with no cannons on it, I must admit. I've even seen some creative drawings online, so maybe check those concepts out and give this some consideration! Plus, it would make a lot of solo players very happy (I don't see how it could hurt adding this new tiny ship, it would basically be an upgraded rowboat).
    
13. New larger ships - Look, some of us have a lot of friends who really enjoy this game. Server hopping is a pain and almost never works. Locking down a server through some shady Twitch streamer breaks the game and is unethical. Rare, we love your game, but you have to allow us to play with more than 4 people. Please, please, please make larger ships that can hold 6, 8, even 10 people!! Make a battleship with tons of cannons and a massive hull that takes a full 10 seconds to run across!! Just give us something, we're begging you!! If you're worried about this becoming unfair and ruining servers, then create servers dedicated to these mega ships where only 4 or 5 of these ships can sail around and nothing else. I'm 99% positive that different servers can have different rules, so why not make this happen? Your players want it so badly and it would solve so many problems for a lot of loyal fans and their friends.
    
14. More friends in a crew - If you are absolutely unable to create a new, larger ship, then please find some creative way to create a larger crew size. Make a server where ships spawn in pairs, or something like that. I can't stress this enough, this is so important to your fan base and would allow so many more people to enjoy this game with their friends. If you ignore every other suggestion, at least make this one happen.
    
15. Remove certain emotes - Tucking was fun when it was new and silly and unexpected, but now everybody does it all the time. It's impossible to do a fort without somebody popping up at the end and wasting their own time doing nothing as you shoot them twice and walk away. Literally 50% or more players are skinny and wear all black just so they can be try-hard tuckers. It's making players paranoid and annoyed and is somewhat ruining the game. Casual players can't catch a break and it's rough for a lot of new pirates out there getting constantly tortured by far better players who know how to curl up in a ball and lay down or sit in their black clothes. So why not remove these emotes? If you simply get rid of any hiding emotes, then tuckers will still exist, but have to be much more creative. They won't be able to exploit nooks and crannies in the graphic designing of the game, and will just have to honestly find a spot to hide. These emotes seem unnecessary and, at the moment, are making the game very frustrating for a lot of players.
    
16. Gold sinks - As mentioned earlier, many players have hit what many people consider the "end game." They have all the skins (or all the skins they want) and millions of gold with nothing to spend it on. Not only should you all create many more skins, but you should also consider adding gold sinks so people can put their gold to practical use. Stocking up recourses can be grueling, so maybe allow players to buy cannonballs for 200 gold, wood for 100, etc. Maybe a player could spend 5,000 gold to make their ship look new again (take away the burn marks and jagged wooden boards) or maybe 2,000 could get you a collector's chest to help carry loot a little quicker. Maybe 10,000 gold could buy you a rowboat and 15,000 could get you one with a harpoon. These are just random numbers and random ideas, but some sort of a repetitive gold sink would be incredible for long time players. And if my gold numbers seem unfairly low, then double them! Whatever you need to do to make it fun and fair.
    
17. Add a new carrying vessel - We have collector's chests and treasure chests for small loot, but there's no love for large loot. A skull can be worth the same amount, sometimes more than a chest, so they probably shouldn't get an unfair carrying advantage. Add a new carrying vessel for large loot, such as a wheel barrel or a net that you can drag behind you to put 2 or 3 chests on it. That would make things more balanced and pirating just a little more convenient.
    
18. Slight map changes - This is a suggestions that isn't necessary, but would add a little fun to the game for new players. SoT is all about exploration, so it might be fun to only reveal parts of the map that you've previously visited (whether it's this session OR older pirating sessions). Also, it might help new players to mark where the venders are specifically on each outpost. Veterans know their locations and this gives them an advantage when selling loot. None of this is necessary, but just something to think about.
    
19. Skill tree - I've seen posts about adding a skill tree to the game so that you can improve your pirate. I know that you guys want starting players to have all the same capabilities as veterans so that everything is fair and balanced, but it might be fun to look into some customization options. Maybe even instead of a skill tree, each player could just choose one perk to add to their pirate every time they go to an outpost. Here is a quick list of ideas completely taken off the SoT suggestions forum: Bigger bucket, Carry more wood, Carry more food, Stable telescope, Fast repairer, Sprinter, Deep breath, See treasure from far away, Speedy ladder climber, etc. Some other ideas I came up with would be Shark repellent, Extra sword/gun damage, Sail/wheel turning speed, etc. These perks would be interesting to look into but I could also see how they might ruin your current vision of the game. Take this suggestion with a grain of salt!
    
20. Avoid AFK - We all hate when our stomach grumbles and we're stuck in the bathroom for 20 minutes just to come back and see Lazy Beard on our screen as our crew is selling 50,000 gold worth of loot. It would make sense that in order to avoid going AFK, your crew can just vote you into the brig. This should be a safe, AFK free zone where you are essentially removed from the game without missing out on the benefits you fought so hard for. I'm not sure if an enemy pirate can currently kill a player stuck in the brig, but this should be a completely invulnerable zone (other than the ship sinking). You could even add a 1 minute timer to being released from the brig so that crews can't abuse this invulnerability mechanic during combat.
    
21. Casinos - Pirates are dirty, rotten, money hungry thieves. Add a casino section to the tavern where you can play mini games and gamble your loot away!! This would be a fun way to pass the time and would give players something to do for a bit when they don't feel like adventuring out on the seas. Maybe even add a super shady casino in the Pirate Legend area where you can gamble doubloons!
    
22. New songs - In the same way that you can unlock and buy new skins for your pirate, you should be able to unlock songs with commendations and buy them! There are only a small handful of songs in the game, but it would be a blast if crews could show off loads of pirate tunes to other crews. This would also add a new way to spend your gold (and/or doubloons).
    
23. High and low tide - This was a very interesting idea that I read a while back from a very passionate pirate. This player came up with the idea of adding extreme tides to the game. When tides are high, you can reach cliffs on islands that would otherwise be unaccessible, and when tides are low, you can explore amazing underground cave systems. Obviously, you can also cannon yourself to the high tide areas and swim down to the low tide areas if need be (for a mission or something), but this would add so much versatility to the game. Many islands would have to be redesigned, but this would literally double the adventure without necessarily expanding the map. I thought this was one of the most unique and amazing ideas I've read on this SoT Reddit page.
    
24. Add gimmicks - This game is more silly than it is serious (from what I've experienced and read from the fan base) and it might be fun (and not too tilting) to add little annoying gimmicks to the game! What if 1/100 gunpowder barrels was a dud? Or what if your gun jammed in the middle of combat? What if you sold cursed loot and actually LOST a little bit of gold? There are endless ways to add tiny, infrequent gimmicks to the game!
    
25. Ropes/lassos - Currently, the only reasonable way to board a ship is to climb one of the side ladders. What if you added a new boarding item? I've seen suggestions for ropes or lassos that you can toss onto your ship or other ships to climb or swing across in order to make boarding easier and more discrete. Obviously, this can't break the game, so it would have to make some sort of alarming noise, or would have to be visually obvious when it happens. I could easily see how this would be incredibly overpowered when it comes to sneaking onto an enemy ship, so this would take some balancing and play testing to make sure it works properly.
    
26. Add a speedometer - This is one thing that I'm sure you guys have looked into and considered and withheld from the game for some specific reason. But because I don't know what that reason is, I'm still going to suggest it. In my opinion (and the opinion of many others), a speedometer on each ship would be very helpful. I don't know enough about pirate history to know if they had speedometers back in the day, but it would be nice just to have an idea of how fast you're sailing across the open seas directly against the wind in a giant galleon while your friend is fighting a 4 man crew by himself and screaming at you to hurry up (not like I'm speaking from experience or anything...)
    
27. Add potions and a crafting table - It would be a neat idea if you could buy potions at an outpost or craft potions out of different fruits and fish that you catch. These potions could be counters to specialty cannonballs, like a potion that you drink to cure drunkenness or a snakebite, or a potion you throw at your friend to wake them up when they're asleep, or even a shark repellent potion! These potions could have a whole new key/button assigned to them so you can quickly rotate through them in the middle of combat. Additionally, you could add a crafting table to the boat next to the frying pan. In order to craft these potions. Maybe you could even craft new, rare skins at the crafting table! Or paints for your ship. And adding a new potion shop to each outpost would be another great gold sink, which is a suggestion that I mentioned earlier.
    
28. More pet interactions - Pets were an awesome addition to SoT, but are just a little lackluster. They currently have very few interactions with the players and players tend to forget about them after a couple weeks. I think it would make everybody very happy if we could do more with our pets. Give them a different dance for each song, allow us to whistle so they hop right into our hands, maybe even let us talk to them! It would also be a fun little gimmick if every now and then, they brought you a fruit from an island while you're exploring, or they find you one doubloon from digging in a bush! These silly things wouldn't be game breaking and wouldn't give a noticeable advantage to any players.
    
29. Fix the revive system - many players are frustrated with the new revive system. The main issue is that a galleon will almost always beat a sloop in a cannon fight because the larger crew can continuously revive any fallen comrades. After reading many forums and weighing the options, I came up with an idea that I believe will solve a lot of problems. Give each player "soul charges" that have to be earned. Each time you kill an enemy player OR kill 20 AI enemies, you gain a soul charge. Each player can hold up to 1 or 2 soul charges. You must spend a soul charge to revive a fallen crewmate. This would keep the current system in place, but would not allow any player to abuse the system as they currently are. I think it would be a great idea!
    
30. Respawn immunity - This would solve an unbelievable amount of frustration for players who hate dealing with spawn killers. In my personal experience, I once played against a pirate who knew all the spawn locations and exactly where I would spawn next. Every time I came back, he was standing directly in front of my face with a blunderbuss ready, I believe he killed me 6 times while the single hole in my sloop slowly sunk me and I grasped my computer chair armrests trying to restrain myself from punching in my monitor. If players were granted just 3 seconds of immunity after respawning from the Ferry of the Damned, it would make situations like that so much more fair. This is especially relevant for new players who have no chance at all against spawn killers.
    
31. Skin presets - Adding preset ship skin and pirate skin combinations would make life a lot easier. It obviously isn't a HUGE issue to not have presets, but if it's a simple addition to code into the game, it would at least save a couple minutes of searching around your collection. Could be a nice touch!
    
32. Naming your boat - This is arguably the suggestion that I've seen more than anything else in the SoT Reddit page. It would be a fun, silly addition to an already fun and silly game. Many people have pointed out that there's already a blank wooden banner above the door on the galleon, so why not allow words to be written in it! You could also have the names written on the side of the ship, carved in all ugly and pirate-like. Plus, how fun would it be to sink an emissary ship and see their flag float up out of the water with their ship name on it?
    
33. Market the emissaries - Please add more information and incentives to put up an emissary flag. This is a great addition to the game and the community loves it, but anyone who is not immersed in the community is just confused. Outside of outside of the game research like reading patch notes or watching a YouTube video, players have no way of learning the benefits of emissaries. The only in game interaction is a brief conversation on the outpost with a emissary leader that players may or may not find and is entirely uninformative. Most servers should have 3-4 emissaries at any given time, my experience is that I usually see 1 per server, mostly due to lack of information.
    
34. Add more PVE events - Rather than just having active forts or the ship on the sky, add more events! Make a giant dig up event (symbolized by a chest in the sky) where you can uncover up to 100 chests on an island with no map whatsoever. Make a new type of raid with one of the enemies that were previously suggested in #8. Add a massive skeleton ship (thinking 16 or so cannons, 5 levels or something) that slowly sails across the server every few hours. Make it extremely difficult to bring down, but Fort of the Damned like rewarding. And make it so more than one event can show up in the sky at once. It becomes grueling and sometimes boring to have to do an event or wait for it to disappear just to do the one you sought out to do. Options would be great!
    
35. MAKE THAT MERMAID LESS BUTT UGLY - Seriously, that thing is nightmare inducing... Aren't mermaids supposed to be beautiful creatures?
    

Overall, SoT is a wonderful, constantly growing game. It has evolved so much since the time I started playing and I have enjoyed every update so far. I really hope that many of these suggestions come to fruition, I think they would vastly improve the game and make the players incredibly happy! I understand that this is a lot, but even if these changes are released gradually in future updates, I'm sure they would make every pirate quite jolly! Thanks so much for the game Rare, and I sincerely hope you read this and consider each point. Oh, and I wouldn't mind giving you my gamertage to have my name immortalized in the game if these things work out wink wink

Continuing...
“I say that you’re way the fuck out of line, Chuckles. Are you an educated, experienced, fully licensed and internationally renowned master blaster?” I asked.
“No, but…” he tried to continue.
“But nothing, Scooter.” I said, “What, other than your insane xenophobia and nationalism, causes you to come to such unfounded, not to say stupid, conclusions?”
He looked down at the deck. Evidently, he was not used to being challenged in such a manner. He realized he walked face-first into a metaphorical wood chipper.
“I’m waiting for your answer, pally.” I continued.
Still nothing. He was either deep in thought or ill at ease from newly soggy undergarments.
“Want to know why I chose what I did? Fine, meet back here in 15 damn minutes.”
He looks at me with a most perplexed, and ignorant, look on his face.
“Dax, Cliff? I need you.” I say.
We go back to the weapons locker and I explain my idea.
“Let’s load a case of typical, TYPICAL Chinese-made dynamite. Then let’s load a case of American C-4. Be very careful with that leaky Chinese shit. Wait one. I’ll do it if you want and you can handle the C-4.” I say.
“Ah, Rock; yeah. We’d appreciate it. You being the Pro from Dover, after all.” Cliff agrees.
“No worries”, I say, “I got this. You make me up a nice, tightly packed case of C-4. For demonstration purposes.”
I find a near-empty case of dynamite and begin to judiciously fill the thing with random samples of shitty and leaky Chinese manufactured and Korean not-too-well-cared-for dynamite.
This stuff was so incredibly shitty and poorly manufactured that even when leaking and nasty, it was nowhere near as dangerous as its Western counterpart. It was loaded with so much and many interstitials, like sawdust, diatomaceous earth, literal horseshit, and shredded newspaper, the nitro denatured itself to some degree as it oozed out.
Plus, in the non-climate controlled weapons locker; the high humidity, salt air, and poor circulation from the small open grate facing the sea, the nitro had desensitized somewhat and evaporated. It left only sticky, thin, fly-ridden films rather than the usual ‘waiting for a good reason to explode’ puddles.
It was in no way as twitchy as that locker back in Nevada. Oh, but be assured, it was still a shit show.
If I really wanted to, I could blow myself, this boat and all occupants into the next dimension rather easily, but it was nothing like that old locker back in that disused Nevada mine. I still needed to be scrupulously careful as there could potentially be puddles of the pale yellow, viscous liquid explody stuff, instead of the thin films I was mostly finding.
Either way, it required caution and judiciousness.
Nitro’s twitchy as fuck and the last thing I need is a dropped nail, blasting cap, or hunk of the rotten box falling into an errant nitro wet patch…
Extra attention was exercised.
Dax and Cliff are halfway through, and I’m still picking through the leaky, smelly bundles.
“Next time”, I mused to myself, “I‘m writing in a ‘Handling fucked-up explosives”-clause in my contract. No matter how much I’m being paid for this, it ain’t enough…”
We find a couple of expendable, dry-rotted ‘life preserver’ floaty-rings, upon which we secure both cases of explosives. They’re tethered with a rope and primed with a number of blasting caps.
I let the head local Korean crank examine both to ensure that I’m not trying to pull a fast one.
He did not notice the 3-pound bag of Tannerite (an impact-actuated explosive) I snuck in the middle of the box of Chinese TNT.
“Now. Satisfied that they’re equal?” I asked. “Nothing fishy here. Just dynamite in bundles, with caps. Then, over here, C-4 blocks with cap. OK?”
He was satisfied; but only after letting a couple of the shiny suit squad check as well.
“Well”, I smirked,” So much for your ‘covert observation’, asshole.” This guy was DPRK secret service or equivalent.
“Holy cold-pack cheese-food product fuck”, I cogitate, “They are so goddamned suspicious”.
I ask Dax to go over to the pilothouse and borrow the mauled AK-47 I saw hanging on the bulkhead there. They keep it for run-ins with cranky sharks, walruses, and lovesick blue-footed boobies evidently.
“OK, here’s what we’ll do. We’ll float each out, and I‘ll trail with demolition wire. Once we’re a few hundred meters out, you can press the big, shiny, green button and detonate your dynamite. I even used 6 blasting caps, to give each bundle its own. You saw that. We green?” I ask.
He was, although suspicious of what I had in mind. He agreed although he refused to use my terminology, the stodgy prick.
So float away the dynamite case we did.
The case of Chinese dynamite floated out and away from the boat, leaving an oily slick in its wake. As it got to around 200-225 meters or so, I requested a rendition of the Korean version of the Safety Dance, as it was just too fucking hilarious to watch.
Once completed, I handed Doubting Korean Thomas the detonator.
“Your turn, Tweedles”, I said, “Hit the button to spark off your “much-better-than-the-West’s” Oriental dynamite.”
He grabbed the detonator, gnashed a tooth in my direction, and mashed down on the big, shiny, green button with a vengeance.
PFftt! PAH-foof! fuff
There was a cheery little pop, a puff of acrid smoke, and not much else.
Let it be said from the onset that I just selected examples of the Oriental manufactured dynamite at random. I didn’t look for the worst or leakiest. Though truthfully I really didn’t have much too choice in the matter.
“You! You swindled me! You knew the dynamite wouldn’t explode! Somehow you knew it!!” he swore in my general direction.
“Try it again”, I said after retrieving the detonator and doing a quick re-wire to another bank of blasting caps.
“Gumeong-e bul!” [“Fire in the hole!”].
MASH goes the big, shiny, green button anew.
Pfffft!” *Pop. Poooof! Piffle. Blerp.
Nothing but a cute little pop, a poof, and a few acrid puffs of smoke.
He was crestfallen.
He had taken on the Motherfucking Pro from Dover in a necessarily explosive subject, with inevitably disastrous results.
I asked if anyone here was weapons trained. A couple of Coasties raised their hands.
“And you are? “ I asked the closest one.
“Lt. P'an Tae-Hyun, Sir”, as he snaps a snappy salute.
“Groovy.”, I reply and retrieve the AK from Dax.
“Can you squeeze off a couple of shots and hit that floating box of dynamite?” I asked.
“Yes, sir!” he replied, smiling.
“OK then”, I replied and turned to the crowd.
“Dynamite is usually pretty stable stuff and won’t detonate without a blasting cap or impulse source. A bullet will most certainly not detonate it. However, I’ve stuck in 3 pounds, imperial, of Tannerite, which is a type of binary explosive used for targeting. Tannerite will most definitely and energetically explode when impacted by a high-velocity bullet. I think we can agree that an AK-47 round is high-velocity?” I asked.
There were nods and a buzz of general agreement.
“Now, there’s the better part of a case of unexploded dynamite out there. That’s what we in the business call very, very fucking dangerous. Now those three pounds of Tannerite should vaporize everything within a 10-meter radius if it detonates as designed. Agreed?” I asked.
Again, there were nods and a buzz of general agreement.
“Lieutenant P'an?” I asked, “At your discretion. Fire at will. Or the dynamite case, as it were.”
He nodded. He walked over to the furthest point on the stern, checked to see everyone was back and out of harm’s way, as he was a consummate professional. He futzed around with the old AK for a bit and took a shot.
It was low and outside.
“Ball one”, I snickered.
“Sights are off. Not any problems.” He remarked.
The next round found its mark. The Tannerite exploded adeptly.
It threw sticks of unexploded Chinese dynamite over a 20-meter radius. They each sank into the briny deep leaving only an oily spot to mark their entry and eventual watery grave.
The top of the case of dynamite was blown off, but the floaty ring remained. We reeled it back in to find a few more scorched, but unexploded, sticks of fine Oriental manufacture explosive on the bottom of the case.
These were motherfuckingly dangerous. Cantankerous dynamite has no place on a ship.
I remarked, however, that this would be no problem. Dax and Cliff brought up the case of C-4, which I had wired with one single blasting cap and booster.
We had Korean Doubting Thomas and his shiny suit buddies give it the once over to ensure I wasn’t trying to pull a fast one.
He agreed, it was nothing but C-4 as advertised.
One of the more expendable Coasties jumped down on the stern transom-rack which is just above the waterline on the back of the boat. He wired the two rings together and set them adrift, tethered by a good nylon rope with my nasty, silky demolition wires trailing.
Dax was working the rope and I was handling the spool of demolition wire. I had a good 350 meters of the stuff on the spool and wasn’t about to return a single centimeter.
Old habits and all.
As they floated away, Mr. Kwan asked if we’d like a bit of refreshment, as, gosh, it sure was dusty out here today.
Of course, we agreed in unison.
Good old Mr. Kwan.
So, we’re unspooling our lines slowly, drinking our end of the day refreshers, smoking cigars, and watching our Oriental colleagues getting antsier every minute.
I knew what a case of C-4 was going to do when detonated. It would be one hell of a show.
I was so confident with my design I had Lt. P’ay return the AK to the pilothouse. Wouldn’t work here anyways if the C-4 failed to detonate.
But that’s not going to happen.
Dr. Pro from Dover Rocknocker has spoken.
Finally, I’m almost out of demolition wire, and Dax has tied off the tether.
I motion over to Herr Doubting Thomas and hand him the detonator.
“For ye of little faith”, I smiled, recalling the entreaty that even Satan quotes the Bible for his own nefarious uses.
But first, an encore of the Korean Safety Dance. They're guaranteed to raise a smile.
I look to the character fumbling with the detonator.
“At your convenience, good sir”, I say, dripping insincerity.
“Gumeong-e bul!” [“Fire in the hole!”]. Mash goes the big, shiny, green button.
KA-MOTHERING-FUCKINGLY-HUGE-BOOM!
Even over 300 meters away, every one of us not only saw but felt that shock wave. It was like a solid Savate kick to the chest. The boat even rocked a bit in appreciation.
I smile, retrieved the detonator, safe it, and reply: “And that is the singular reason why I used good old American manufacture C-4 as a sonic seismic source rather than shitty, leaky Oriental dynamite. Any further questions?”
He shook his head in agreement, bowed slightly in my direction, slunk away, and that was the very last we ever saw of Mr. Korean Doubting Thomas.
The Captain saw and felt the detonation. He put the boat in park, actually, he handed it over to the sub-pilot for station keeping and came back to the fantail.
He wanted to know if we were now officially finished with our project.
We maintained that we were and it had come off very, very successfully; in no small degree because of his boat handling abilities.
He came over to me and shanghaied one of the translators.
“Doctor Stone?” he asked.
“Hrmph. Close enough.” I smiled.
“May I be first to congratulate your team. In eight sorties, you and your teams are the first to fulfill mission parameters. I am pleased to say that this will go on all our permanent records. It will mean bonuses for all present. I salute you.” And does with a naval flourish.
“No shit? Well, thanks, Cap”, I reply, “But I’m just the den mother for this special education class. Without them, and all their hard work, it’d never have happened.”
“I knew you would say this”, he smiled, “You are leader of men. We see that. You are teacher, but also not afraid to work. You should do this more often. Use your education and experience to train and teach others.” He says, shaking my hand.
Now it’s time for me to wonder. Did he hear of my offer back home? I don’t think he did, I’ve been playing those cards very close to the vest, as it were. I am now officially confused and bebothered.
But, since I don’t believe in anything, much less coincidence, I’m going to chalk it up to happenstance and just gratefully consider the source.
He asks that we wait here and he’ll return forthwith.
“On a boat this size, there are not too many places we can sneak off to…” I chuckle.
He returns with a very, very old bottle of something quite unidentifiable since it appears to be lacking a label. He yells something in official Korean and suddenly, a tray with little, itty-bitty demitasse-style glasses appear along with some smoked fish, I think, nibbles of some kind.
He pours a dram for all present. No one dares take as much as a preemptory sniff until he’s finished with the ceremony.
Everyone thusly charged, he begins a toast.
“Shoo-buddy”, I think, “I’ve been down this road before.”
It was quick, succinct, brief, and laudatory.
According to him, we had ‘hung the moon’.
I liked this style of toasting. Left more time to drink and for camaraderie.
The project thus finished, as we were running out of potables, especially freshwater, victuals, and toilet paper; we were headed back to base. That is, back to the hotel to see what our comrades who chose to stay onshore had developed.
But, that was going to be for another day. First, we needed to chug our way back to port, both literally and figuratively.
Ahem.
Before which, though, there were some housekeeping and paperwork chores. Dax, Cliff, and I did a quick reconnaissance of the explosives locker and created a ‘used’ manifest; which all three of us signed.
They may be officious, they may be obtrusive, but damn, they certainly love their goddamned paperwork over here.
We gave copies to the head shiny suit, one for the Captain, and we retained copies for our records. Along with notes that we expended two rounds from the pilothouse AK, as we were trying to out-officious these officious paper-pushers.
We made certain the keys were returned and logged in the proper logbooks and the explosives locker was locked securely, solidly, and soundly. Before which, we policed up the weapons locker and actually offered to the gods of the briny deep, quite the quantity of unsafe, leaky dynamite, and other ordinance that was more a disaster waiting to happen rather than inventory.
Seawater would neutralize the nasties and in the case of anything metallic, it’d be gone within a fortnight. and the phosphates might provide some nice fertilizer for some lucky passing Cnidarians. We were in water of near 45 fathoms. This stuff would never hurt another living thing.
The Captain was very pleased that we had taken that task upon ourselves. He wasn’t allowed to do anything about what was in the locker, but he was responsible for it and keeping the wrong people out of it. I commented that was a fairly stupid way of handling things, and he mentioned that he’d appreciate it if I made an official note of it to the powers that be once we go feet-dry, i.e., get back to shore.
I assured him we most certainly would.
From then on, all we had to do was putt-putt our way back to port.
It was going to take some hours and we’d end up berthing during the wee hours. This would not be a problem as our bus and driver would be waiting for us no matter what the time. He would briskly and without fanfare, return us to our hotel.
That we were actually looking forward to bunking back in the old hotel sort of gave one an idea of the Spartan arrangements we had endured for the last three days.
Most of the Westerners groused and complained in a humorous manner. Hell, it was only three bloody days. Some of our Oriental friends were so totally aghast they vowed to lodge formal complaints once they returned to dry land.
Landlubbers.
Odd that once we hit the beach, they all scattered to the four winds and not a single letter nor either a peep of protest was ever forthcoming.
Yes, this is an intensely weird place.
We wandered down the gangplank, cigars a-fume, and drinks recently and for one last time, refreshed by Mr. Kwan. The shiny suit squad was supervising the offloaded of the seismic data we had collected and had seen it soundly sealed and concealed in the very living bowels of the bus. It was to return with us to the hotel, where we’d demand a receipt. Then it would be off to the ‘Technological Center” on Scientific Street for processing.
They assured us that they’d handle that themselves. Evidently we were good enough to acquire the data, but not good enough to see the finished product.
Ack, Volna, and Ivan chuckled.
“OK, you pirates. What did you do?” I asked
“They can try with all their might. But without the decryption key, they’ll spend years processing encoded compressed nonsense.” They snickered. “We did offer to come and help set up the decryption for the decompression of the raw data, but they said they could handle it themselves. Oh, well. We tried. Seriously, we did.” Ack and Volna snickered.
“Well, keep it handy in case they come to their senses before we get out of here,” I said.
“Always our intention, Herr Denmother”, Volna chuckles.
“Oh, you heard that?” I snickered quietly.
Back at the hotel, the majority of us sent our sea-gear to our rooms via the on-site laundry. That being settled, the majority of us retired to the catacombs of the basement.
We needed strong drink, decent, non-tinned food, and seats that didn’t slop around every time you sat down.
Well, with the acquisition of our sea legs, two out of three wasn’t bad.
Since the hour was much too late, I decide that tomorrow, well, later today, would be a day of R&R for everyone.
Moreover, I was informed that tomorrow would be the “Day of the Sun” celebration, the insanely earnest celebration birth anniversary of Kim Il-sung, founder and Eternal President of North Korea. It’s supposed to be some sort of big, hairy nationwide deal. But aside from a couple of small posters, we heard little and knew less about the holiday and its celebration.
Everyone’s being even more uncharacteristically low key. It’s odd like there’s something weird going on here.
“What? Something weird and covert and sneaky going on in Best Korea? Pshaw, you old fart. You’re letting the paranoids get to you!”, I mused to myself.
This place will do that to you after a while.
I asked the front desk to place a note that made the rest of today a day of R&R in everyone’s mailbox. After another cigar, some decent prawn stir-fry, and a couple-twelve really stiff drinks, we were all ready to invade the land of Nod for a few hours.
I went downstairs for a drink, a nosh, and a smoke. I ran out of NK won as we tend to use them in Western Expat high-stakes poker games, so I needed to trade some of my weird Middle Eastern currency for weird Best Korea currency.
I was used to the 900:1 won:US dollar (equivalent) trade-off, but after cashing in the equivalent of US$500 in Middle Eastern dinero, I walked off with 650,000 won, not 450,000.
“Pardon me, Ms. Cashier”, I said to the nice little local woman behind the bird-cage security wires, “I do think you gave me too much.”
She took my stack, re-counted it, and proclaimed it correct.
“I thought the exchange rate was 900 to the dollar?” I asked.
“No”, she remarked, “Now 1,336.”
“Any idea what’s causing the fluctuations?” I asked.
She just smiled and shook her head ‘no’. I smiled back and tipped her 50 UAE dirhams for the information.
“Weird. Now what?” I mused.
Little did I know…
The next morning dawned dim and early as there some sort of something going on outside.
Oh, yes, it was ‘The Day of the Sun’ celebration. I discovered it was is an annual public holiday in North Korea celebrating the birth anniversary of Kim Il-sung, founder, and Eternal President and local Poobah-in-Charge of North Korea. It is the most important national holiday in the country, and is considered to be the North Korean pseudo-secular equivalent of Christmas.
“Well,” I thought to myself, “I picked a damn good day to call for an R&R break.”
Then I found out, why no one told us about any of this is still unknown, that the next two days after the holiday would also be considered a holiday.
Come to find out, there are all sorts of intrusive, inconvenient, and wholly unnecessary nonsense that accompany these high holy days here in Best Korea. There are exhibitions, fireworks, song and dance events, athletics competitions, idea seminars: “Think about it!”, and visits to places connected with Kim Il-sung's life, including his birthplace in Mangyongdae.
Shops close, the hotel televisions block any other ‘programming’ and show only ‘special’ movies. Either ridiculously fake documentaries on the life of the also ever so ronrey Kim Il-sung or movies he especially enjoyed. People parade to his statue on Mansu Hill to deposit flowers; later in the day, it resembled a pollinated glacier.
There’s general obviously forced elation, all of which is extraordinarily strained and appears fake. People are trucked by the groaning busload to the Kumsusan Palace of the Sun where the dead maniac lies in state.
“Fuck this”, I said in the exact spirit of international amity, “I’m going to the bar.”
I go downstairs to the basement bar, and even though it’s a high holy day, it’s open early. It didn’t used to be open until the afternoon, but since we’ve arrived, they have adjusted their hours for us.
They have also doubled their daily receipts. So they’ve got that going for them, which is nice.
One of my favorite barkeeps was station keeping that morning. I greeted him in the usual style and expressed to Mr. Ho Gun the best holiday wishes.
“Hi! Ho!”, I said, “Annyeonghaseyo”, which comes out ‘Annie young eez-yo!’ in my Baja Canuckian dialect.
Mr. Ho laughs at my attempt at Korean, but he does appreciate the effort.
“Doctor Rock”, he says, “Dawn greetings. You will drink what?”
Nice and direct, I like that.
“Ye’ ken Greenland Coffee, me ol’ mucker?” I asked in a swirl of different dizzying dialects.
Koran confounds me, so I thought I’d return the favor.
“No, but I’m sure it’s coffee with some of your usual high-proof liquors, correct?” he smiles as I hand him a nice, oily Oscuro cigar.
“For Best Most Happy Returns: Day of the Sun”, I said, waggling the stogie, as I hand it over.
“However, you are correct. Normally, ‘authentic’ Greenland Coffee is a paltry 1/3rd ounce each of Whiskey, Kahlua, and Grand Marnier with excess coffee. Well, I don’t cotton to those liquors or measures. So my Greenland Coffee recipe, really from Greenland, by the way, is Siku Vodka, or any other high-octane vodka, as long as it’s premium. Then Immiak, which is Greenland’s version of Jagermeister, so let’s just go with Jager. Then finish it off with a shot of Tia Maria or Kahlua, if available. Oh, yes, then hot coffee. Silly me, almost forgot…” I conclude.
“And measures?” Mr. Ho asked.
“Whatever fills the cup”, I replied, in a bastardization of an old Russian toast.
“OK, how about a 35 mils (~1 ounce) stiff shot each booze, then hot coffee to fill your mug? With a chilled vodka chaser, as per usual?” He asks.
“Make it so, Mr. Ho,” I say. “No whipped cream or crème liqueurs, please. I’m lactose intolerant, and, well, no one wants to hear that…”
He laughs and whips together a very nice morning sunriser.
It’s a real day off.
In a very, very weird land.
It’s Festival outside and I stayed up most of the night calling people back in the world, creating and updating dossiers, doing explosives-tracking paperwork, worrying over logistics, and how and when the fuck we’re going to eventually get out of here.
Fuck it, double front. I’m doing my ‘people watch’, perched high on Mahogany Ridge. I’m taking, for the first time since, hell, I left the Middle East, some real downtime.
I figured I deserved it.
I was the only one at the bar, but after a short time, there were festival-goers who infiltrated down into the hotel's subterranean catacombs. They didn’t know of the bar’s recently expanded hours and when they saw me sitting high up on Mahogany Ridge, smoking my ubiquitous cigar, they rejoiced.
Obligatory Festival and alcohol! Better than beer and power tools.
In the Baja Canada time-honored tradition, I have a pile of the local currency sitting on the bar. At the new exchange rate of 1,386 won to the dollar, I’m making out like a bandit.
Drinks here are cheap, really cheap, to begin with. With this fluctuation in exchange rates, which I figured reflected the holiday, I was flush. In the chips. Well-heeled. I've got a lot of what it takes to get along.
So, I was feeling magnanimous. I was tipping people very well.
“Paper?” one local asked.
“Sure. How much for a week-old English version of the Daily Worker’s Manifest and Pork Belly Futures Digest? 100 won? Here’s 1,000. Keep the change.”
Not wanting to become over-caffeinated, I switched from Greenland Coffees after a couple to my usual potato juice and citrus concoction. Each one came in a tall, frosted gimlet glass, a very nice touch, and was expertly made my Mr. Ho after I showed him once when we first arrived.
Each one, with the current exchange rate, was about 500 won; an exorbitant sum for any local. It was about US$0.40 for me. I bought several for people who bellied up to the bar and tried to engage me in conversation.
I was used to handing out business cards, hell, one never knew where contacts could lead; and not receiving one in return.
Today, I collected four new business cards; two from various European ex-pats, and two from locals.
I guess Festival! time brings out the best and least paranoid in people.
It’s only 1000 hours in the AM and people here are already seriously lubricated.
This will be a fun few days.
I decided to get a rather tall drink in one of my 100-ounce Kum-n-Go travel cups. With all the hoo-ha going on around here, I haven’t seen a handler, translator, or guide since we got off the boat. I decide with all the shenanigans and goings-on around the place on this festival day, no one would give me nor my wardrobe a second look if I were to venture outdoors for a walkabout.
Besides, we’re on a bloody island. It’s not like I can go too damned far.
So, quicker than a bunny fucks, I get my drink, fire up a cigar, and walk around the lobby of the hotel. There are the usual comings and goings of tourists, local workers, the security forces, and all that allied tat.
I wait until a tour bus pulls up and all eyes are somewhere besides me.
Pfft! And I’m standing outside the hotel, looking at all the sights.
Which, truth be told, weren’t much.
Yanggak Island is a slovenly-manicured island with shrubberies, tracks, trails, and assorted support buildings. The river is basically hidden behind stunted shrubs and nevergreens, and the remains of the defunct golf course. There’s a stadium on the island, which was thronging with festival-goers today. I don’t know what sport, if any, they play there, and didn’t care enough to ask anyone.
There was a cinema hall, which was currently empty and looking in need of some dire repair. There’s some sort of Chinese health complex in the process of being built or torn down, it was hard to tell which. Needless to say, the scenery paled almost immediately.
I did, after a concerted effort, find a small platform that overlooked the Taedong River. It was a very nice little observation platform with a couple of new-Tudor-esque electrical replica gas lights and two concrete benches where a weary traveler could sit and just watch the river.
So I did.
I was interested in the fish of the river, and wondered if any of the locals did any fishing; or if it was forbidden, as are so many ‘proletariat’ activities are in town.
I did see a few locals, huddled out of plain sight, down by the shores of the river fishing with long, 10 meter, reel-less poles. In Britain, they would call this type of fishing ‘noodling’.
I didn’t see them catch anything, but in the bar later, I spoke with a local who told me that they catch various species of fish here. These include Asian Aroana, Blue Guppy, Catfish, Crab, Eel, Halibut, Hucho Perryi, Octopus, Orange Guppy, Pacific Flying Squid, Rainbow Trout, Salmon, and Tuna.
I’m not saying my informant was lying or embroidering the tale, but from the nasty condition of the river, I think Coney Island Whitefish, Cotton River Horse, Dumpster Trout, and Bugle-Mouthed Salmon would be the more common species.
I had enough perambulation and even though I wasn’t given the least look, I felt a bit uncomfortable out here. That unfiltered sun and equally unfiltered air. After that, I wandered back to the hotel and went to enter to go to my room.
“HALT! Who goes there?” some door guard yelled at me.
“An American tourista who was out on a walk”, I replied.
“Impossible!”, he replied, “Tourists are not allowed out without their guides.”
“Look, Herr Mac”, I said, “I’m Dr. Rocknocker, and I am an invited Western Petroleum Scientist with the UN special-invited group here to evaluate the country’s oil and gas potential.”
“You are not allowed.” He replied loudly.
“My good man”, I replied, equally loudly, "Not allowed? Not allowed? I’m a geologist, I’m allowed everywhere.”
With that, I grab the handle of the ornate door, take a slurp out of my drink, and sally forth into the hotel.
Of course, he goes non-linear. He follows me and is making all sorts of bad noise. He is almost literally dancing around me, pointing, and exclaiming that I’m not allowed.
Then, he made a bit of a mistake.
He grabbed my arm.
Really, really poor career move.
I switched my drink to my left hand and executed a pretty spiffy opposite-side wrist grab on the noisy little nerf herder.
He was so shocked by this turn of events, he went slightly white and was rendered mute for a short time.
I frog marched the little irritant up to the front desk and asked the head clerk there to explain to my captive audience who I was and why I was here.
The clerk smiled and gave the character whom I was dragging around a quick background on the guy who was currently holding him captive. When I heard “닥터 락 노커” [dagteo lag nokeo, “Dr. Rocknocker”], I dropped this guy’s hand and just took a few steps back.
After a minute or two, he comes over, very, very abashed. He apologizes as he wasn’t told that any Americans were allowed outside the hotel.
I told him ‘No problem’, as I really didn’t have any special permission and didn’t want to get the guy into any trouble. I offered him a cigar, which he refused, but he readily accepted the half-pack of Sobranie pastel cigarettes I had in the pocket of my Hawaiian shirt.
I decided from that point to just stay inside the hotel to smoke, drink, and avoid any further Imperial entanglements.
I wandered on down to the casino because I was bored and it was unusually quiet. Too hepped-up to sleep, too tired to work, it was that odd interarea between “should I be giving a fuck” and “who the fuck cares?”
Leaving the basement, I wandered around the ground floor, just taking in the sights, and looking at the “Festival Specials” at the hotel shops.
I found an empty, unlocked conference room that looked inviting. About two dozen chairs, a large wooden table, TV monitors, and a southern view of the city from slightly above ground level.
I walked in like I owned the place, as it is always monumentally easier to get forgiveness than permission, sat down at the head of the table, propped my feet up, found an ashtray, and began playing with the remote to see what was available.
Evidently, these rooms were available for rent by various factions, cadres, and other sorts of like-minded individuals. However, whoever was here last forgot to re-set the filters on the satellite television.
There was real the BBC, real-time. There was German TV, Russian TV, Japanese TV, and even some American TV; all the best of the absolutely prohibited hit parade.
I shut it down and left immediately. I went to find my comrades. They simply had to see this.
I located Dax first, as he was losing won at a rapid rate down at the basement casino. He said he’d spread the word to any of the team members down in the tunnels and we’d meet at Conference Room #1.
I had taken the precaution before leaving to move the “Occupied/Unoccupied” placard to indicate it was in use and that if you hadn’t reserved the room, you’d do best to stay the fuck out.
I waited the obligatory 20 minutes for the elevator and went up to ‘our’ floor.
I knocked on all the doors where I knew they were occupied by our occupants. I found a few of our team and informed them that if they were so inclined, there would be an unannounced, impromptu, and wholly illicit meeting down in Conference room number 1; complete with refreshments and real, uncensored television. They all agreed and said they’d rouse the rest of our team on the floor.
I was feeling so brazen, that when I went down to the ground floor, I stopped at the front desk and ordered lunch and drinks for my team in Conference Room #1.
“Oh, sir”, the desk clerk responded, “We don’t have any reservations today for Conference Room #1.”
“Well”, I replied, “We are in there and if it wasn’t reserved, how would that have happened? The room would have been marked as unavailable, which it clearly was not; as it was open and available and we are now occupying it. Therefore, it wasn’t marked unavailable so it must have been available; not unavailable as you postulate. It’s almost a simple example of the single equation theory of universal containment. So we are meeting there now and requiring refreshments. It’s simply a logical progression of the facts of the matter.”
“You are, of course, correct”, she immediately responded, distracted by all the Festival goings-on in the hotel, “Now, you said you’d like to order 4 dozen assorted meat and cheese sandwiches, two cases of beer, and a mixed case of bottled liquor?”
“Yes”, I replied, “You see, it’s only going to be a brief meeting. I’ll also need ice, carbonated and non-carbonated mixers, sliced citrus fruit, and an on-call bartender if you have one available.”
“Oh, yes sir,”, she replied, “That will be immediately arranged. Anything else?”
“Yes”, I replied, “I’ll need about a dozen ashtrays, of the larger variety. Also, I am going to leave explicit instructions with you to disseminate to hotel staff that we are not to be disturbed. This is a very high-level meeting of the scientists of the IUPG. We will be discussing, umm, ‘sensitive information’”.
I used the international ‘don’t-even-think-of-bothering-us’ buzzword to let her know were being very serious indeed.
“Oh, yes sir”, she stiffened.
“Marvelous”, I said and slipped her 1000 won for her troubles. All sighs of nervousness instantly disappeared.
“Excellent. Excellent service.”, I said, rubbing both hands together most Mr. Burnsly.
I go over to the conference room and see that our order has begun to already arrive. Have to hand it to them, you call for room service and you get room service. Especially if you’re well known around the hotel to be free with imported cigars, pastel cigarettes, and lavish tips.
One by one, my teammates filtered in. There was everyone from out earlier pleasure cruise, and most of the force that remained back in the hotel to prepare the paperwork for our ground assault.
Cigars, cigarettes, and pipes were lit. Sandwiches consumed and drinks were downed. After everyone had a chance to see their home-town, or at least home-county, version of the news, I decided that it would indeed be a good time to have a bit of a meeting. It was going nuts outside with the Festival, and as long as we were in here, we were being left alone.
After the obligatory facilities break, I returned from a 40-minute round trip to my room to get a couple of my field notebooks. I wanted a record of the proceedings, no matter how spur-of-the-moment.
When I returned, I thought the room looked a bit spare. I did a quick headcount and I noted we were missing someone. I glanced through my notes and saw that our Bulgarian geomechanic, Dr. Iskren Dragomirov Dinev, or ‘Iskren’ was not present.
“Hey, guys”, I asked aloud, “Anyone seen Iskren lately?”
There was a brief conclave and the answer was a solid negative.
I called the front desk and got his room number. I asked them to ring his room for me. His room phone rang and rang and rang, but no answer.
“Who last saw Iskren?” I asked the assembled crew.
The Finnish PT, Joon, recalls drinking with him at the casino the night before last. He seemed normally jovial as was normal for him.
“Anyone else? Or since?” I asked.
Again, the answer was negative.
“Something’s not right”, I thought, my rock sense was tingling. “Dax, Cliff, you’re with me.”
We all left, stopped by the front desk, and asked for medical assistance. We explained where we were going and the sudden absence of our Bulgarian friend. We expressed deep concern.
25 minutes later, Dax, Cliff, me, the hotel security chief, and hotel doctor were standing outside Iskren’s room. We had pounded on the door for a good 3 minutes. He certainly wasn’t in the shower.
No answer.
“Fuck this. Open it”, I said.
“Under whose authority?” the chief of hotel security asked.
“Mine. Dr. Rocknocker. I’m the team leader of the IUPG crew. Do it.” I said.
The door was laboriously opened, as both door bolt locks had to be breached. The room was dark, silent, and entirely unnerving. In the gloom, it appeared that there was a human form, unmoving, on the bed.
“I’m a rock Doctor. I think we need a medical doctor here.” I said to the hotel sawbones.
The hotel doctor went in without switching on the lights nor touching anything. He examined the mound on the bed. Apparently, it wasn’t a pile of dirty laundry.
“Was the occupant of this room a large Caucasian male, approximately 60-65 years of age?” He asked.
“Yes”, we all answered together.
“I’m afraid he’s dead.” The doctor replied.
Dax looked at Cliff who looked at me. In unison, all that was heard was a tripartite:
“Oh…fuck.”
To be continued...

As an avid gardener, I ran across a couple posts about people who bought seeds and now are not sure how to handle them, or what to do with them, or are really excited to see sprouts but don't know what the next step is, as gardening is new to them. As I am stuck at home with nothing to do BUT garden and reddit, I thought it might be helpful to put my years of experience as a hobbyist to use and/or get a conversation going with other gardeners about what's going on in Baltimore this time of year in the great outdoors. If anything, it gives my hands a break from weeding. If you already garden and don't need the basics, skip to the bottom.
Without further ado:
((Step 0.5: Acquire your plants))
In theory, you've already done this while scouring the local market for any form of meat or bread, whatsoever. If you haven't, and want to, some seed companies are still shipping from their online sites. If you would like to buy local, the Meyer Seed Company operates out of downtown Baltimore and have a very good selection of seeds, leaning on the vegetable side.
Step 1: CONSIDER THE WEATHER
We had a very mild winter, and have been having reasonably mild weather the last month, so it looks unlikely that there will be a frost from here on out, however, there is still a rule of thumb that there is a chance of frost up until April 15th. Plants that are cold tolerant and/or frost tolerant can be started or planted outside now. These include lettuces, peas, spinach, kale, cabbage, broccoli, onions, most Asian greens, and radishes. Plants that are NOT cold tolerant can be started inside. These include tomatoes, peppers, melons, squash, beans, and beet relatives. For anything else, check out this handy chart.
Step 2: FIND SOME SUNNY DIRT
Vegetables are lovely, but pretty much all of them like a maximum amount of sunlight (with rare exceptions for things in the heat of summer, but don't worry about that now!) in very rich soil. So, assuming the time is right to plant, then it's time to dig a hole or twenty in the ground. Maryland soil tends to be heavy, with a lot of clay, and not always nutrient rich. Do not let that deter you -- just keep in mind that the more clay in your soil, the harder it is for baby plants to root, and more compacted it will be in the long run, so it may take a little longer than the seed packet says before you see significant growth. If possible, plan to keep your plants in the sunniest part of the yard.
Turning over your soil to make a bed is relatively uncomplicated. Break up the land you wish to plant on with a shovel to loosen it (Lacking a shovel, you can use a large knife you don't care for to cut or break up roots, or a large kitchen spoon if the soil is already loose, as in the case of an old planter). Remove any surface plants or weeds, turn the soil clods upside down, and break up anything that is clumping together, and remove anything that is a rock/trash/tree roots/broken glass/just not supposed to be there. You will likely kill a few worms in the process. Relax. There will be more worms later. Continue to turn and break clumps until you have a uniform-looking patch about four to eight inches deep clean of debris.
To make better soil than your average compacted clay-that-used-to-be-lawn, you have a few options. One is to re-use potting soil you may already have from old planters from last year. (However, this also begs the question of why not just use that soil and move on?) You can also try to gather topsoil from nearby locations, such as a nearby easement or other spots in your yard. Topsoil is the dark stuff that is nutrient rich, lying on top of the subsoil, which is usually red or gray clay. Topsoil in the wild has weed seeds in in, so don't be surprised when something unusual comes up. Old leaves you may have hanging around are also great for breaking up heavy soil, and as a bonus they attract earthworms. If your leaves are large, run over them with a lawnmower to break them up first, then mix in the freshly chopped debris. Bear in mind pine needles will mess with the pH of the soil and are probably better avoided unless you are planting an acid-loving plant (blueberries, or azaleas, are good examples).
If you live on or near a swamp, or just have a typical Maryland quagmire for a backyard you can make a bed drier by raising it above ground level. Excavate additional dirt from around where you're planting to get the bed a couple inches above grade, or make a simple raised bed out of old wood, a tire, concrete block, brick, or whatever can conveniently hold soil back when watered and allow excess moisture to drain out of the bottom. If you live on a heavy slope, use a similar idea to make a step in the slope and hold the loosened soil back with a raised wall. Basically, it's half a raised bed. Don't overthink it.
If you are improvising a container because you are in an apartment, you will still need dirt. Now is not a time we are encouraged to make close friends, so yelling at an appropriate social distance may be called for. As stated earlier, you can scavenge soil from local easements, break up old potting soil, add leaves, and so on. Additional matter can be saved to add mass to your potted planting: Save old kitchen scraps, a little bit of coffee grounds, and/or scrap paper, tear them up, and plant them at the bottom of the bin (do not leave scraps or coffee stuff up top: one attracts bugs and mice, the other is highly acidic and may harm younger plants). You can improvise a container from almost anything that won't decompose when wet: old storage bins, unused large cups bowls from the kitchen, reusable plastic grocery bags, and so on. When picking a container, ideally, water can exit the bottom, either because the sides are already a little porous or because you've got a hammer and the solution for once in your life looks like a nail. If not, just be careful not to overwater your plants -- whatever the soil is like on top, it's wetter on the bottom. Apartment gardens also need to factor in light. The more you get, the better. If you do not, multi-spectrum "daylight" bulbs are a good option to supplement natural light, or, if you don't have those, set up two lights that have a "warm" and "cool" bulb in each. Different light bulbs have different spectrums, and combining two of different colors means you're likely to get closer to sunlight.
Step 3: PLANTING
You have dirt, the time is right, now put two and two together! Seed packets will have a recommended planting depth on them for how deep and how well spaced the seeds should be. This is generally pretty easy, just follow the directions and don't overthink it. Water well once you've got the seeds in. Seeds need to be kept moist but not muddy until they are seedlings, or plants with their first true leaves, about an inch or two tall. Try to pay attention to your seeds once or twice a day. More often is very unnecessary, less than every day means you might let them dry out, and then your seeds will be dead and you'll have nothing but a nice pile of carefully prepared dirt to show for it.
If you have problems with squirrels or other pests (like a dog that likes to dig), you may need to put a barrier around where you put your seeds to keep them from being dug up or flung. Chicken wire is great, but any decent post and barrier can make an impromptu fence - dowel rods, sticks from a nearby tree, and old fabric, plastic sheeting, that painting drop cloth you forgot about, the heavy brown paper you put down when you eat crabs. You will likely only have it up for a couple weeks, until your seedlings are big enough that clandestine diggers won't bother them, so don't worry about the longevity of the thing.
Then, be patient. Some plants take three weeks to come up. Some only take days. And as it's cool, if you started them outside, expect it to take longer. If you're speeding things up, start your seeds inside where it's warm -- heat usually makes the process go faster. However, be kind putting your indoor seedlings out -- they aren't used to bright light, brisk winds, or the cold, so you may have to spoil them a little by putting them outside an hour or two a day for a week before putting them outside permanently. Plants, like people, can shock in a new environment. Sometimes they recover, sometimes not.
Step 4: GROW, BABY, GROW
If you have developed some kind of star wars Force powers that let you grow things faster, by all means, teach me. If you haven't, then now is the time to look at the little guys longingly while wishing them to be larger. Wish really, really hard.
You are probably going to need to thin your plants out at a certain point, before they get too crowded to grow well. Lettuce, pea, and spinach thinings can be taken in and devoured as baby greens. Others can be disposed of, or re-planted in more pots or land if its available. Now is when you get your neighbor into gardening, using free plants like casinos have free giveaways.
Also, you may find your first pests coming out to say hello. I have a particular loathing for slugs, but there's a wide variety of other things that may visit your garden to partake of your harvest, including deer, rabbits, groundhogs, squirrels, beetles, worms, mosquitoes, caterpillars, and two-legged thieves. There are things to be done about these, but they're best dealt with once you know it's a problem. Other things to look forward to might include butterflies, moths, ladybugs, fireflies, bees, and wasps (although thankfully, typically not yellow jackets, which prefer literal garbage to a garden). Again, deal with them as they come. You will never have to deal with ALL the pests at one time (statistically speaking).
Step 5: ENJOY!
The "time to harvest" is a good piece of information that should be on your seed packet. Some crops will take until fall to mature, some, only a few weeks. These estimated times are from germination to harvest, not from planting to harvest, so again, be patient. Things that you could be eating within a month or two are spinach, radishes, lettuce, spring onions, and other greens. Things you could be eating in two-ish months are beans, peas, beets, even more greens, and maybe a couple baby carrots if you're really, really lucky. MOST other crops will take longer than that, which means in an ideal situation you will be out in the real world again, your gardening adventure forgotten, and covid-19 a distant unpleasant memory.
However, if you're thinking of giving up on those crops, give it another think. Lots of our vegetable picking help is dependent on labor that is imported, illegal, or temporary. I don't expect fresh vegetable prices to go down this year -- if anything, it's going to skyrocket due to a labor shortage. I remember zucchini being 89 cents a pound in season. Now we have them all the time, but they're $2.49 a pound year round and $1.89 if you're lucky. I know how much zucchini produce if you're having a good year, and $1.89 in season is ridiculous.
Also, as a P.S.A., home grown food doesn't necessarily taste better, but it will taste more and be better for you. My lettuce is more bitter, but it actually has a flavor instead of being crunchy water, and home harvested plants are known to be higher in nutrition, possibly because the plants aren't overfertilized to grow fast like in a commercial setting. That being said, the luxury plants of gardening are mind-blowingly good versus the store bought things. Strawberries ripened on your porch, in the sun? Perfection. A good home-grown one will perfume a room.
Step 6: NETWORKING
So after all that, if you still have questions, I'll be paying attention to my inbox in the next few days to weeks to help however I can. If you are also a local gardener and want to chime in with your two cents, now would be the time. What are you looking forward to in the near future? Were there any blooms that stopped you in your tracks lately? Have you eaten something fresh yet?
TL;DR Put plants in good dirt in a sunny spot, follow packet directions, keep 'em damp, and be patient. You'll be fine.