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The entire script of Paul Blart Mall Cop 2.
OVER BLACK: BLART (V.O.) The road of life is always under construction... FADE IN: SUNRISE.* (* fromthe first movie) BLART (V.O.) ... thejourney is hard, but once you reach the top, the view is amazing. Amy and Blart getting married.* BLART (V.O.) And that view is even more beautiful when you have someone to share it with... Blart and Amy DANCE ON SEGWAYSat their reception.* INT. BLART’S MOM’S FRONT DOORWAY - DAY22Blart opens the door and is handed a LETTER by a STERN MAN. BLART (V.O.) ...forsix days. INT. BLART’S MOM’S HOUSE - LATER33Blart sits in his Mom’s living room, holding the letter. She rubs his back as he CRIES HYSTERICALLY. BLART (V.O.) My beautiful wife of almost a week let me know by letter that she had, what I like to call “some regrets.” Her doctor called it, “uncontrollable vomiting.” Her lawyer... “dissolution of marriage.” He looks up at his Mom, cries a little more... and then RUNS out of the room. BLART (V.O.) That’s okay, I needed a little time to myself. Like the song says: I’ve been to paradise, but I’ve never been to me. (MORE) David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALSPE CONFIDENTIAL // That’s okay, when life knocks Page 2/88 you down, calmly get back up, smile, and very politely say, “you hit like a small boy.” And... (then) At least I still had the one thing that never seemed to let me down... security. INT. WEST ORANGE PAVILLIONMALL - DAY3A3AWe see Blart at the mall, throwing himself into his work. He rides through the mall, UP-NODDING to passing customers. BLART (V.O.) I spent the next two years losing myself in the sweet escape of keeping the West Orange Pavilion Mall safe. Blart spies a SMALL CHILD who appears lost. He rolls up to him on the segway and takes his hand, leading him to find his mom. Seeing the MOM, Blart reunites her with the boy. The mom is overjoyed. MOMThank you! (then to boy) Now give the fake cop a hug Andy. Blart is flattered and leans in for the hug. Andy is having none of it. Blart goes in again -- nothing. MOM (CONT’D) (getting agitated) Andy... hug him. BLARTUh... he doesn’t want a hug that’s okay. Blart is now frozen in the hug lean position. MOM(still to son) You are embarrassing me. Blart back away and leans in one more time, but the kid just BELTS HIM and runs away. The mom runs after him. Blart awkwardly gets on his segway and rides away. BLART (V.O.) (CONT'D) Salmon (05/02/2014)2. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL BLART (V.0) And, on the home front... I always had Mom. Page 3/88 EXT. BLART’S MOM’S HOUSE - MORNING44Mom, in a fuzzy bathrobe, walks out into the street... BLART’S MOMOh, here’s the paper. ...and is DRILLED by an old-fashioned MILK TRUCK. BLART (V.O.) That is until she got drilled by a milk truck. Didn’t know they even had those anymore. INT. BLART’S MOM’S HOUSE - DAY55Blart once again sits in his mom’s living room looking at a FRAMED PHOTO of his mom... CRYING, uncontrollably. Maya, who is now 19 years old, rubs his back. He once again gets up and RUNS out of the room. BLART (V.O.) Besides my Maya, it didn’t seem like I had very much to look forward to. // INT. BLART’S MOM’S HOUSE - MORNINGBlart once again sits in his mom’s living room looking at a FRAMED PHOTO of his mom... he begins to CRY, uncontrollably. In the picture, we see: His MOTHER standing in a sun dress and big, floppy CHURCH HAT, surrounded by AFRICAN HUNTERS on SAFARI in AFRICA. Salmon (05/02/2014)2A. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL BLART (V.O.) That is until her church group travelled to Africa, where she went on safari, and while snapping pictures, and getting a little too close, caught the business end of a Dicerosbicornis... a black rhino. Maya, who is now 19 years old, rubs his back. He once again gets up and RUNS out of the room. INT. WEST ORANGE PAVILLIONMALL - DAY66We see a melancholy Blart as he rides through the mall. BLART (V.O.) I guess I was the last one to get the memo -- Paul Blart had officially peaked... INT. DINING ROOM - DAY77Blart is opening mail at the table, he reads a LETTER that Page 4/88 has SECURITY OFFICERS TRADE ASSOCIATIONletterhead. INSERT LETTER: selected to join us for an all expense paid trip to the Security Officers Trade Association Expo and Award ceremony in Las Vegas, Nevada.” BLART (V.O.) ... orhad I? INT. MAYA’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS88Maya reads a different LETTER with UCLAletterhead. INSERT LETTER: accepted to the incoming freshman class.” BLART (O.S.) Maya! Come down here! I have some great news! MAYAMe too! Maya excitedly runs out of her room. INT. DINING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER99Maya bounds in. Blart can’t contain himself. Buff (04/30/2014)3. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL BLARTHoney... we’ve been invited to the Security Officers Trade Association Expo and Award ceremony, in LasVegas, Nevada! MAYAVegas? Wow! BLARTI think they’re finally recognizing me for getting the mall out of that jam. MAYAJam? Dad, you savedthe mall! They shouldhonor you. I’m so proud of you. Maya hugs him. BLARTThank you honey. Blart breaks the hug and then holds Maya by the shoulders. BLART (CONT’D) I’ll tell ya, times have been tough, but no matter what happens as long as I have you by my side, I’ll be okay. (then) Alright, enough about me... what’s Page 5/88 your great news? Maya realizes it’s not the time to tell her dad about UCLA. She secretly tucks the letter into her back pocket. MAYAYeah, umm... BLARTWell, c’monSweetie, you got me on pins and needles here. // yougot me on top of the roller coaster here. MAYAI just remembered that... we have left-over baked ziti. Blart stares blankly at Maya... Is he on to her? Then... BLART(even bigger smile) What a day!! // Weeeeee!! What a ride!! 4. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL The heroic MALL COP SCORE kicks in and we... CUT TO: CREDITS wiping behind the dented and worn SECURITY OFFICER 1010BADGE rotating through space. Finally settling on... TITLE: FLY-OVER1111The resort is bathed in golden sun, surrounded by the beautiful Las Vegas strip. EXT. WYNN HOTEL SOUTH VALET AREA - DAY1212Blart and Maya slam the trunk on their tiny RENTAL CAR. Blart, struggling with four bags of luggage, is dressed in tourist civvies and has a large laminated SECURITY OFFICERS TRADE ASSOCIATION EXPO pass hanging around his neck. A sweet faced valet, LANE (18), approaches. LANEMay I help with your bags, sir? BLARTNo, no. That’s how they get’cha. I’ll be fine on my own, thank you. LANENo problem, sir. Lane notices Maya and gives her a slight smile. Maya BLUSHES. INT. WYNN HOTEL SOUTH ENTRANCE LOBBY - DAY1313Blart and Maya enter the spectacular lobby. Blart drops his bags in AWE. For Blart, this is like going to the SUPERBOWL. BLARTTake it in, cupcake... 400,000 square feet of casino and retail Page 6/88 space, sitting atop 215 luxurious acres... all protected by the finest security this side of the//Uh... I got nothin’. Top notch security though. // Mississip... andthe other side, actually. Both sides. (then) Welcome to the show. // Showtime. 5. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL BLARTYeah, I definitely would stand down for Robocop. DONNA ERICONEHe’s not real. BLARTNo, I knew that. Wow, glad I packed my dress whites. DONNA ERICONEGood thing. Just don’t tell anyone I told you. BLARTTell anyone what? DONNA ERICONEAbout the keynote -- (realizing) Oh, you got me... She punches Blart in the arm, hard. DONNA ERICONE (CONT’D) ... You done gone and gotme! I’ll see you tonight. BLARTRoger that, Officer Ericone. Donna exits. Blart turns to Maya, rubbing his arm. BLART (CONT’D) You were right princess... things just keep getting better. MAYA(feeling guilty) That’s great dad. An energized Blart strides up to a male RECEPTIONIST. BLARTYello-ha. RECEPTIONISTGood afternoon sir, welcome to the Wynn Resort. Blart hands him his ITINERARY. He reads it. Taps on his computer. BLARTChecking in. Page 7/88 7. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL RECEPTIONISTAbsolutely... Mr. Blart. BLARTMr. Blart... (chuckles to himself) I’m sure you were thrown by the travel wear. It’s actually Officer. People often forget there’s a human face to law enforcement. Maya’s horrified. RECEPTIONISTOh. Okay... sorry about that. (then) Oh, yes... “Officer” Blart, I see we have you in a partial mountain view and you requested a “bottomless” bowl of Peanut M&M’s... BLARTI didn’t... my doctor probably... it’s strictly medicinal. Unfortunately, I am cursed with hypo-glycemia. “The hidden hell.” Sugar level drops and so do I. RECEPTIONISTOkay. BLART(not letting it go) It is okay because... fun fact for ya... Author Stephen King and comedian Sinbad, // R&B diva Patty LaBellealso have hypo-glycemia. So, I’m in pretty good company. RECEPTIONISTOf course. (taps a few more keys) Ooh... I’m sorry, but your room isn’t ready yet. In fact, we don’t have you checking in until three. But you can leave your luggage and I will have it delivered to the room. MAYADad, I’m starving. Can we just get some lunch? BLARTWhoa! Hold the mayo. (to receptionist) Page 8/88 (MORE) 8. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL I’m sure you didn’t know this, uh... (reads name tag) Heath, but if you check the Grand ballroom and see what group’s booked there tonight, I think your tune might change a wee bit... The receptionist HITS A KEY, reads the screen. RECEPTIONISTMini-Kiss... the cover band. BLARTWow, they’re good. RECEPTIONISTYes, they are. BLARTYeah, I’m not with them. Is there a manager, I could talk to? RECEPTIONISTI’m sorry she’s not available right now. Blart makes a decision... SIGHS. BLARTAlright... I hate doing this. Blart reaches in his SHOULDER BAG. MAYAOh no, Dad... not the maga-- BLARTSorry dumplin’, got no choice. MAYA(to receptionist) Terrace Cafe open for lunch? RECEPTIONISTYes it is. MAYAI’m out. Maya goes. Blart drops the MAGAZINE on the counter and then with GREAT FANFARE turns it to face the receptionist and SLOWLY SLIDES it towards him. BLART (CONT'D) 9. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL RECEPTIONISTI’m sorry sir, what am I looking at? BLART“Perimeter Check,” the official trade journal of the security industry, Feb. ‘09. RECEPTIONISTDid you print this yourself? Page 9/88 BLARTAbsolutely not -- it’s published biannually. Big seller in Canada. (then) Take a gander at the inside of the back cover, I think it should clear things up. RECEPTIONIST(reading) “Say goodbye to toenail fungus...” BLARTOpposite page... toward the bottom. RECEPTIONIST : Oh. (then) Is that you? BLARTIt is. (leans in) This is not public information, but it seems I’m going to be delivering the keynote speech at the Security Officer convention, tonight. RECEPTIONIST(remembering) Oh you know, I think they cancelled that... (checks computer) Wup, no, they didn’t. But it was downsized to conference room “C”. Nope, “F.” The Receptionist retrieves a MAP, and opens it. RECEPTIONIST (CONT’D) Okay, here’s a map of our property. Blart looks at it quickly and slides it back. 10. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL BLARTThank you. RECEPTIONISTNo, that’s yours to keep. BLARTDon’t need it. It’s been scanned. (re: It’s all in here. Locked and loaded. Time for lunch. Blart exits. After a beat: RECEPTIONISTSir, your daughter and the Page 10/88 restaurant are that way. He points in the opposite direction. BLARTYup... themap was upside down when I scanned it. Blart exits the other way. OMIT 1515INT. TERRACE CAFE / (EUROPEAN POOL) - DAY1616Blart arrives at an outdoor table to find Lane talking to Maya, who is already in the middle of an appetizer. LANEWas I lying about the conch fritters? MAYAYou were not! They’re amazing! With just the right amount of zip! LANEGotta love the zip! MAYAOh, I do... I was born to zip! LANEPut my hand up on my hip, whenI zip... MAYA...youzip, 11. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL MAYA (CONT’D) ...we zip. LANE...we zip. They share a LAUGH. There’s obviously a little connection between them. Blart clocks this. Lane turns to him. LANE (CONT’D) Oh, you forgot your valet ticket sir. He hands Blart the TICKET and then turns back to Maya, smiles and exits. Maya blushes once again. Blart plops down and stares at Maya. MAYAWhat? BLARTYou were bornto zip? Since when do you use the word “zip?” MAYAI always use the word zip. BLARTI don’t like it. Hipster talk. Maya shakes her head. MAYALook, Dad... you’re gonnahave to get used to the fact that I’m a big girl now. BLARTOkay, first of all, we’re all big... we’re Blarts. Wide hips, thick ankles and a low center of Page 11/88 gravity, that’s how the good Lord made us. That’s why we’re so good at moving furniture. Blart pulls something from his pocket. It’s a MECHANICAL VIBRATING FORK. He begins to pick at the conch fritters. MAYAWhat is that? BLARTMy vibrating fork. It forces me eat slower. You think I eat fast at home? On vacation, I’m like a greyhound chasing a bunny. Blart takes a QUICK TWO BITES and it indeed VIBRATES and a RED LIGHT light FLASHES. 12. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL BLART (CONT’D) See? Blart waits for it to STOP vibrating, and the light to turn GREEN. He then takes another bite. This time slower. BLART (CONT’D) There we go. (quietly to himself) It’s just fuel. Just fuel. VOICE (O.S) Mr. Blart? Blart turns around WAY TOO FAST for the situation. BLARTSHANGHAI! But it’s only the smoking hot general manager, DIVINA MARTINEZ, who has two ROOM KEYS in her hand. DIVINAOh. Sorry to startle you, sir. BLARTIt’s okay, sometimes it’s just hard to turn off. // You hit the trip wire is all. Divina has no idea what he is talking about. DIVINAOkay. Well, I’m Divina Martinez, the hotel’s general manager. I wanted to apologize about the confusion regarding the convention and let you to know how happy we are to have your group staying with us. (beat) And good news -- I upgraded your Page 12/88 room. It has a view of the strip, it’s ready right now, and I wanted to give you the keys personally. Divina sets the keys down on the table and accidentally BRUSHES HER FINGERS against Blart’s. DIVINA (CONT’D) Oh, sorry about that. (having fun) Although, I must say you have very soft hands. Blart immediately reacts. 13. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL BLARTWhoa. Pump the brakes. // Whoa, pffffffffft... airbag! DIVINAExcuse me? BLARTI sense what you’re doing... (off her name tag) Divina. DIVINAWhat am I doing? BLARTTruthfully? Being a bit transparent. DIVINA(confused) I’m sorry. I don’t follow-- BLARTLook, I understand it’s the 21st century and a woman can go after hers just like a man. Maya is now dying a slow death. MAYADad, I really don’t think she was-- BLART(puts his hand up) This is grown-up stuff, tadpole. (back to Divina) Look, it takes two to tango and my dancing shoes are currently out for repair. DIVINASir... I’m sorry if I -- BLARTApology not needed, just know I’m working my way through a maze of personal fire and until the flames of chaos subside... I’m just not ready for public consumption. Divina decides it’s best to just let the customer be right. Page 13/88 DIVINAUm... I understand, sir. Have a great stay. 14. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL Divina walks off. BLART(to Maya) It’s not just me, right? She was relentless. Divina, still totally confused, turns back to look one more time. EXT. WYNN HOTEL SOUTH VALET AREA - CONTINUOUS 1717A custom Harley Davidson MOTORCYCLE blows into the valet area and comes to a stop. The rider takes off his helmet to reveal... EDUARDO FURTILLO, HEAD OF SECURITY for the Wynn Resort and Casino. He is immaculately dressed in a GREY SUIT, with an EAR PIECE inconspicuously tucked into his collar. Two AGENTS from Casino Security join his side as Eduardo confidently enters the hotel. One wears a BLACK SUIT, AGENT PARSONS The other wears a PURPLE SUIT (like the one Henkwore,) this is AGENT JENKINS. EXT. TERRACE CAFE (EUROPEAN POOL) - MOMENTS LATER1818Divina stands there, lost in thought. Eduardo strides up. EDUARDO : Hola, mi amor. Divina, still a tad thrown, gives Eduardo a little kiss. He senses something is off. EDUARDO (CONT’D) What troubles you, my pet? DIVINAI just had the strangest exchange with that guy over there. Divina points to Blart. P.O.V: EDUARDOEl Gordo? DIVINA(this is absurd) Yeah -- he accused me of hitting on him. 15. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow Page 14/88 SPE CONFIDENTIAL EDUARDO(chuckles) Funny -- they say overweight people use humor to achieve affection. DIVINAYou know what? Okay, yes -- I also heard that. // -- that makes sense. They share a laugh, as they both look at Blart. P.O.V: VIBRATING and the LIGHT to turn off. A VIP RECEPTIONIST arrives and clears her throat. VIP RECEPTIONISTExcuse me, Ms. Martinez, our VIP guest has arrived. INT. WYNN VIP RECEPTION AREA - MOMENTS LATER1919Divina and Eduardo enter. Divina extends her hand to... VINCENT SOFEL, 40’s, TWO DIFFERENT COLORED EYES, a three piece suit, sits in a chair, sipping an espresso. A BRIEFCASE sits at his feet. Behind him is ROBINSON, mid 30’s, African American and Vincent’s bodyguard, SCOTT, tall, black suit. Vincent stands. DIVINAWelcome back to the Wynn, Mr. Sofel. We have the accommodations you requested all ready for you. If you need anything at all, please don’t hesitate to call either myself or our head of security, Mr. Furtillo. Divina points to Eduardo, who nods. VINCENTYou guys took me for a lot of money on my last visit. DIVINAWell, I hope you’re able to turn that around this time. Vincent smirks. VINCENTOh, I plan to. 16. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL INT. WYNN BASIC SINGLE ROOM -- LATER2020Blart finishes unpacking and notices that there is one QUEENSIZE BED and one folded ROLL AWAY. He calls to Maya. BLARTI don’t know how this is an upgrade. You take the bed, I’ll Page 15/88 take the roll away. MAYA (O.S.) Dad, this is your convention, you can’t sleep on the roll away. BLARTI certainly can. I once fell asleep in a hurdler’s stretch. // climbinga fence. // rakingleaves. // duringa snowball fight. MAYA (O.S.) We’ll figure it out later. I gotta get going. Maya comes out wearing a ONE PIECE BATHING SUIT, with puffy flowers. She’s holding her beach bag, and heads for the door. Blart panics... BLARTWhoaaa, okay, thanks for telling me, Victoria’s secret! (averts his eyes) What do you think you’re wearing young lady? MAYAUm, a bathing suit? BLARTMaybe for an elf // maybe for a cabbage patch doll... how about leaving a little to the imagination. // leavinga little for your wedding night. MAYAI was going to hang out by the pool. BLARTNot in that. Maya rolls her eyes, grabs a COVER UP and puts it over her bathing suit. MAYAFine. Then I’m going exploring. 17. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL Maya starts for the door. BLARTHold up. You got your extra phone battery? MAYAYup. BLARTFlashlight? MAYAAlways. BLARTHot pepper spray? MAYACheck. BLARTPocket knife-key chain, window Page 16/88 smasher? MAYAI do. BLARTBaby road flares? MAYAYes! I’ve got it all! Finally, Blart produces a small consumer WALKIETALKIE. BLARTHere take this. It’s set to monitor, so I can hear everything that’s going on. MAYANo way -- I already feel like a SWAT unit! BLARTMaya, security is a mission, not an intermission. Blart looks long at Maya, until this sinks in... Yellow (04/22/2014)18. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL BLART (CONT’D) Okay. Head on a swivel. She exits. INT. WYNN PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - DAY - HIGH CEILING2121We are in a beautiful, two story suite. There is a flurry of activity as several people (NADIA, CARLOS, KIRA, and Scott) move DIFFERENT SIZE WOODEN CRATES into the suite. Vincent hands Robinson the BRIEFCASE he’s been carrying. Robinson opens it and places it on the coffee table. He then unfolds three pencil-thin COMPUTER MONITORS from the case, revealing a KEYBOARD. We see that the briefcase has now become an elaborate COMPUTER SYSTEM. Robinson looks impressed. Vincent leans over Robinson’s shoulder. VINCENTLet’s see if I bankrolled the right NSA agent. Robinson hits a few keystrokes, then a PASSWORD and we see that he’s hacked into the entire Wynn surveillance system. ROBINSONHow’s that? VINCENTSo far, so good. Suddenly there is a knock at the door. All activity stops dead. Scott pulls a SILENCED PISTOL, puts it behind his back and opens the door. A Wynn security agent, HENK, enters. He wears the signature WYNN, PURPLE SUIT with a NAME TAG and an EAR BUD. HENKWe had a complaint about the noise. Page 17/88 Robinson stands and approaches the security guard. He looks him up and down for a tense beat, then... ROBINSONThat’s why we have you. Vincent steps up. VINCENTI gotta say Henk, -- nice uniform. 19. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL And Henk, the fake security agent, smiles wide. HENKYou don’t want to know what it took to get the real deal. VINCENTI don’t -- The activity once again starts. Henkwinks and... HENKGotta get back to keeping the Wynn Resort safe. Henkshuts the door behind him. Nadia, the art expert, holds up her phone as she approaches Vincent. NADIAThey’ve moved several of the pieces in the last few days. Here’s the new locations of all thirteen. On the screen is a hi-tech “3DRENDERING” of the entire hotel with RED DOTS marking the locations of the art. She hits send on her phone. Vincent then gathers his troops. VINCENTPerfect. I want to be in and out in less than nine hours people. Robinson holds up his phone next to Vincent’s, a timer is CLICKING DOWN from 9:00:00... 8:59:59... 8:59:58, etc. Robinson hits a BUTTON and the TIMER on Vincent’s phone perfectly syncs up. We now see the crew start to change their clothes into Wynn “EMPLOYEES: Even Robinson puts on a PURPLE security coat and EAR PIECE. INT. WYNN CASINO (ENCORE CASINO) - DAY2222Blart strolls through the casino, when he hears an ERUPTION of CHEERS at a nearby CRAPS TABLE. He weaves his way over. BLART(to gambler) What’s all the hoopla friend? GAMBLER # 1(re: This guy’s crushing! I’m literally running out of room for my chips! Page 18/88 20. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL WAITRESSIt’s complimentary, sir. BLART(keeps getting better) Complimentary? (signaling for all) Then root beers around the horn! She stares at him. BLART (CONT’D) (sotto) Just one. She exits. BLART (CONT’D) I have never felt more alive! The High Roller THROWS the dice. CRAPS DEALERSeven! Craps! A HUGE GROAN from the crowd. Gambler # 1 GLARES at Blart. GAMBLER # 1Boo. The dealer turns to Blart. CRAPS DEALERYou lost everythingBLARTBut, don’t I get -- CRAPS DEALEREverything. Devastated, Blart stares straight ahead and slowly backs away from the table. Just then his complimentary ROOT BEER arrives. Blart blankly grabs the mug, CHUGS the entire thing and slowly walks away in a daze. EXT. WYNN SOUTH ENTRANCE LOBBY - DAY2323Still stung, Blart walks through the lobby when he sees Maya talking to Lane at the Valet stand! He stealthily makes his way to get a better look, when Maya notices him. Busted, Blart tries to get away but he just slams into a LUGGAGE CART. 22. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL INT. WYNN HOTEL SOUTH VALET AREA - CONTINUOUS23A23ALane notice Blart, struggling with the luggage cart. LANEHey, is that your dad? MAYAI wish I could say “no” right now. Page 19/88 (then) I’ll be right back. Maya leaves and approaches Blart. MAYA (CONT’D) Dad, are you spying on me? BLARTSpying? No, I’m -- I just wanted you to know something... MAYAWhat? Beat. Thinks. BLARTThe door to safety swings on common sense. MAYAGo. Please. BLARTMaya. MAYADad! You are embarrassing me. BLART(heartbroken) Sorry you feel that way. I’ll leave you alone. MAYAPlease. Maya returns to talk to Lane, as Blart walks away, crushed. Just then, Blart is approached by SAUL GUNDERMUTT, a poorly dressed man with a mouthful of huge VENEERS, a thick Afro of RED HAIR and sporting large GOLD FRAMED EYE GLASSES. 23. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL SAUL GUNDERMUTTBlart. Saul Gundermutt, head of the Security Officers Trade Association. I catch you at a bad time? BLART(recovering) No, no, it’s a pleasure, sir. SAUL GUNDERMUTTPleasure’s mine and I just want you to know, I got you sitting at my table tonight. Blart can barely contain himself. This confirms it! BLARTWow, I’m just so excited. I heard rumblings.... Saul looks CONFUSED. SAUL GUNDERMUTTRumblings? BLART(leading) About the keynote... SAUL GUNDERMUTTOh... with good reason -- NickPanero’sgiving it. Great guy. Great guard. Page 20/88 Blart looks gut punched. He quickly tries to cover. BLARTYeah, no. NickPanero. Those were the rumblings. That’s terrific. That is SO good. (then) Love to meet him sometime... pick his brain... SAUL GUNDERMUTTLooks like your lucky day, here he comes. Saul nods in the direction of.... Officer NICKPANERO, 40’s, GOOFY, JITTERY wearing a MALL OF MIAMI T-SHIRT, and Officer GINO CHIZETTI, 50’s, wearing an ill-fitting TANK TOP. They approach Blart. Pink (04/21/2014)24. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL SAUL GUNDERMUTT (CONT’D) Blart. Officer NickPaneroand Officer Gino Chizetti. BLARTOfficer Manero. Nice to-- NICKPANEROHold the applesauce, hot shot. I heard‘ayou. Rumor has it, you thought youwere giving the keynote tonight. (turns to Chizetti) He thought he was giving it. GINO CHIZETTIYou thought you were giving it? BLART(covering) No. I didn’t -- NICKPANEROMan. You gotta stop bringing up that Black Friday thing, Blart. It was six years ago. GINO CHIZETTIGotta let it go. BLART(confused) I never brought up Black Friday. GINO CHIZETTIYa did... ya just did. SAUL GUNDERMUTTActually, the Black Friday thing’s why you’re here, Paul. BLARTHmm? SAUL GUNDERMUTTTo show some appreciation. Let you check out the latest in security technology and sit at the table of honor when Nick gives the keynote. Page 21/88 BLARTAnd what an honor it is. (to Nick) I’m sorry, what did you do again? Pink (04/21/2014)25. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL NICKPANERO(incredulous) What’dI do? GINO CHIZETTI(incredulous) What’dhe do? NICKPANEROLast year I thwarted a ring of frozen yogurt thieves. You know those punch cards where if you hit a certain amount you get a free yogurt? BLARTSure. SAUL GUNDERMUTTWe got ‘em in the mid west. NICKPANEROWell, these animals made their own hole-punch, and next thing you know the place is hemorrhagingyogurt. I had no choice but to take ‘em down. GINO CHIZETTITake ‘em down. NICKPANERO(to Chizetti) You gotta stop that. GINO CHIZETTIYup. SAUL GUNDERMUTTPretty impressive, huh? BLARTYeah, bad day to be a yogurt thief. NICKPANEROThat’s right, slingshot. Well, no hard feelings. Tell you what. After I bring down the house tonight... Chizetti and I’ll take you out for a cold one. BLART(through the pain) I don’t drink. That’s when a Segway EMPLOYEE rides behind them and pulls up to a Segway RENTAL KIOSK. Pink (04/21/2014)26. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL Blart’s eyes GO WIDE. Gino Chizetti leans in... GINO CHIZETTIHeard you’re pretty good on one of Page 22/88 those. BLARTI’ve been known to dabble. Blart jumps on the Segway... BLART (CONT’D) (trying to appear humble) I really shouldn’t. SEGWAY EMPLOYEEActually sir, you can’t. I would need a valid driver’s license if you want to take it for a test drive. Blart holds his LAMINATE in front of his face. BLARTI think if you peep the laminate, you’ll see I’m all access. Let me just nudge her out of whisper mode. Blart hits a BUTTON and the Segway gives off an acceptance CHIRP. SEGWAY EMPLOYEEOkay, well I see you know your way around a p133. BLARTI do, but this old gal’s a bit tired... I have a modified i2commuter myself. SEGWAY EMPLOYEEWow, that’s really cool... still gonnaneed a valid license though. Blart easily does a couple of quick moves. Growing in confidence... BLART(re: Whoa... THAT just took place. // Whoa... THAT was valid. SEGWAY EMPLOYEESir, please be careful. It’s about weight distribution. Make sure both hands are firmly on the grips. 27. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL BLARTOh, really? So I’m guessing you wouldn’t want me to do THIS! Blart takes BOTH HANDS off the Segway and leans forward taking off towards the Valet stand and Maya. Blart WINKS at Maya, she’s horrified. MAYAPlease don’t... Blart aggressively executes a series of impressive, ONE-ARMED SPIN MOVES, gaining speed and confidence. Blart takes off BACKWARDS into the driveway. Page 23/88 The crowd is impressed, until a SHUTTLE VAN pulls up and everyone GASPS... It’s going to DRILL Blart... But NO! Blart pulls off the move of the century and avoids certain disaster!! Just as he looks over to the impressed crowd and cracks a sly smile... he backs the Segway directly into a moving CONVERTIBLE! Blart back flips into the back seat and the car pulls away. Maya’s mortified. Lane is stunned. After a beat... LANEWell, I better get back to work. I’m off in a half hour. Maybe I’ll see you around. MAYAI’d like that. As Blart drunk-walks his way back into the valet area... BLART(mumbling) Shuttle van...// Still got the laminate... INT. WYNN BASIC SINGLE ROOM - AFTERNOON2424Blart, still in pain, lays on the ROLL AWAY. Maya enters from the bathroom wearing a Wynn robe. BLARTLottafun today... great fun! MAYADad, you okay? You should really get checked out. 28. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL Blart musters the courage to tell her. BLARTPumpkin, my body’s fine... it’s my ego that took a hit. Turns out I’m not giving the keynote tonight. Maya feels terrible. MAYAWell you know what? You should call a cop, because you got robbed. BLARTThanks kitten... but technically I wouldn’t need a cop -- MAYAIt’s a figure of speech, daddy. BLART : I know, it’s just, cops think they’re all that. Don’t like it. Do not... like it. Blart checks his WATCH. BLART (CONT’D) Page 24/88 Whoa, we got a meet-and-greet in fifteen... we should get a move on. Blart painfully gets off the roll away. MAYAAs exciting as that sounds, I think I’m just gonnatake a bath and a nap. I’m kindatired. BLART(a bit hurt) Sure. Right. You should get some rest. (beat) I’ll come back to get you for dinner at Bartolotta. We have reservations at six. It’s supposed to be the real deal. MAYA(short) Gotcha. Blart deflates, opens the door. MAYA (CONT’D) Hey dad... Yellow (04/22/2014)29. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL MAYA (CONT’D) Sorry about the speech. I’ll see you later. I love you. She gives Blart a KISS and heads into the bathroom. He can’t help but SMILE. EXT. EUROPEAN POOL/ CABANA BAR - AFTERNOON2525Blart stands with Gino and Donna listening to Nick. They all hold FRUITY DRINKS. NICKPANEROSo I got this one kid against the wall and I turn to the other and say, “hand over the yogurt.” It was over that fast. Lights out. GINO CHIZETTILights out. (turns to Blart) Hey, how much you pay for your belt? BLART(confused) Um... I don’t know it was a gift. GINO CHIZETTIYou gotta guy? ‘Cause I gotta guy. Page 25/88 BLARTA belt guy? No, I don’t have a belt guy. Just then an older, Indian man, KHAN MUBI, joins the group. As he greets each one of them, he HUGS them... KHAN MUBIKhan Mubi. Nice to meet. (hug) Khan Mubi. Nice to meet. (hug) Khan Mubi. Nice to meet. Blart takes the hug. BLARTThank you. It’s been one heck of a day. That embrace helped. Khan pulls Blart in for ANOTHER hug. BLART (CONT’D) Yup. First one warmed me up... but this one brought it home. Pink (04/21/2014)30. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL Khan releases the hug. BLART (CONT’D) We should probably go... They all make their way into the... INT. ENCORE CONVENTION HALL - MOMENTS LATER2626Where many KIOSKS are set up under banners...“NON-LETHAL WEAPONS... ETC.” Blart is impressed. BLARTWow... INT. WYNN BASIC SINGLE BATHROOM - SAME2727Maya lights a CANDLE and sets it on the edge of the tub. She takes out her acceptance letter, sits and reads it again. She is interrupted by her phone BEEPING. It’s a text from Lane. ON SCREEN: EXT. WYNN ASIAN SCULPTURE HALLWAY - SAME2828An incredible ASIAN SCULPTURE is being admired by two TOURISTS. Nearby, an attractive WOMAN drops her PURSE, scattering her belongings onto the floor. We’ve seen her before in the presidential suite, her name is Kira. KIRAOh, no! As soon as the tourists move over to help her, Robinson, dressed as purple coated security, takes out a REPLICA DOME and hits “play.” Page 26/88 ON SCREEN: He quickly moves under the SECURITY CAMERA and ATTACHES the replica dome, so it’s broadcasting what’s playing in a 360 degree field of view. He then holds out what looks like a hand held metal detector. A BLUE LIGHT emits from the device and SCANS the glass case. A light on the back of the device turns GREEN. Robinson then NODS to Kira. She nods back and Robinson moves off. 31. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL INT. ENCORE CONVENTION HALL "F" - SAME2929Blart, Khan, Gino and Donna move to the first kiosk where REP #1 lifts up what looks like a SAWED OFF SHOTGUN. Nick heads off in a different direction. REP #1I’d like to introduce you to “The Big Sticky Mess,” a sawed off shotgun that shoots glue foam. You get this on you and it’s stickier than a work shoe in an IHOPbathroom. The group moves to the NEXT KIOSK: Blart greets REP #2. BLARTWhat’s the latest, friend? REP #2Marbles... you release this tie, and two hundred marbles are at your disposal. It’s your best answer to crowd control. You can’t run with these under your feet. Heck, you can’t even stand. THE NEXT KIOSK: BLARTFlashlight? REP #3Nope. The VitruSonic Taser. Renders your assailant incapacitated for five seconds at a time. The group walks along, when Blart notices... THE KIOSK ACROSS THE WAY: Saul Gundermutt attends to a large CURTAINED BOX. Blart drifts away from the group and up to Saul. SAUL GUNDERMUTTHey Paul. BLARTHey Saul. What’chagot there? Page 27/88 SAUL GUNDERMUTTIt’s getting revealed tomorrow at the luncheon. It’s a prototype. Not supposed to show anybody. (looks around) (MORE) 32. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL But since you’re into gyroperformance vehicles.... takea gander. Saul peels back the curtain. We don’t see what Blart sees. SAUL GUNDERMUTT (CONT’D) Things will never be the same. Blart is shaken to the core. NEXT KIOSK: rejoins the group. REP #4When it’s time to make them pay the price, reach for “The Finisher,” * the most effective, non-lethal bean bag firearm on the market. The officers are impressed. The Rep turns to Blart. REP #4 (CONT’D) Why don’t you take her for a spin. BLARTMe? Um... sure. The Rep hands the gun to Blart who takes careful aim. There are FOUR TARGETS set up. Blart fires off four quick shots... MISS. MISS. MISS. MISS. We hear a CHUCKLE off screen. The group turns to reveal... Eduardo, Agent Parsons (black coat) and Agent Jenkins (purple coat). EDUARDOPaul Blart, Mall Cop. BLARTYes sir. EDUARDOEduardo Furtillo, Headof Security for the Wynn Resort and Casino.. BLARTOh, nice to meet a fellow brother in arms. (then, to his group) Fun fact for ya. You may notice that Mr. Furtillo here, being the head of security is in a grey coat. While... I’m sorry son, I didn’t Page 28/88 get your name. SAUL GUNDERMUTT (CONT'D) Cherry (05/13/2014)33. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL The security agent next to Eduardo speaks. AGENT JENKINSJenkins. BLARTWhile Jenkins here is wearing a purple coat. See, they have a hierarchy of coat colors based on their security responsibilities... Grey, black, pine, and then finally... purple. (to Jenkins) Sorry. No offense. AGENT JENKINSYou’re wearing a polyestershirt with spanxunderneath. BLARTYep. Good catch. // Today I am... yes. (then, to Eduardo) By the way, as a professional courtesy, happy to keep my eyes peeled for any irregularities while I’m here. JENKINSOh, I think we’re good. BLARTYou’re great, the best -- just honoring the code of the badge. If you’re ever in my barn, I hope you’d do the same. EDUARDO(to Jenkins) He’s adorable, right? Jenkins and Parsons share a laugh. EDUARDO (CONT’D) (back to Blart) I see you admiring the “non lethals”. Guess they don’t trust you with the real stuff. I mean what are you really “guarding” anyway? Cell phone covers and Cinnabon? BLARTWell, there’s also three ATM’s and a Dave and Buster’s, so -- Pink (04/21/2014)34. Page 29/88 David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL EDUARDOHey. (motions to Blart) Closer. Gonna let you in on a little secret. Since I was named head of security five years ago, we have not had so much as a towel go missing. The Wynn hotel is the most secure place in the entire world. Without breaking eye contact, Eduardo GRABS the bean bag gun and fires off FOUR SHOTS with one hand, KNOCKING DOWN all four targets. EDUARDO (CONT’D) We don’t need your help, amateur hour. But please, have fun at your little get together tonight. Eduardo drops the bean bag gun and walks away. Blart turns to the group. BLARTWow, that was impressive. And is it me, or did he smell like tobacco and vanilla? INT. WYNN BASIC SINGLE ROOM - AFTERNOON3030Blart enters his hotel room. BLARMaya... you still in the bath? (knocks on door) Sunshine? Concerned, Blart opens the door to find... the BATHTUB FILLED, candles STILL LIT, her ROBE lying on the floor. BUT NO MAYA! He grabs the phone in the bathroom. BLARTGET ME SECURITY! EXT. ENCORE BEACH CLUB POOL BAR - AFTERNOON3131As several youngpeople hang out, wefindMayaand Lane each enjoy a SODA. LANEIt’s so cool you got into UCLA. You must be stoked. 35. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL MAYANot really. I haven’t been able to tell my dad. Page 30/88
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A Madea Halloween (2016) Boogeyman (2005) Boogie Nights (1998) Book Club (2018) Book Thief, The (2014) Book of Eli, The (2010) Book of Life (3D), The (2015) Book of Life, The (2015) Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000) Bookshop, The (2019) Booksmart (2019) Boondock Saints, The (2000) Bootmen (2001) Booty Call (1998) Borat!: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006) Bordertown (2008) Born into Struggle (2005) Born to Be Wild (IMAX) (2017) Born to Win (2014) Borrowers, The (1998) Boss 'n Up (2006) Boss Baby (3D), The (2017) Boss Baby, The (2017) Bossa Nova (2000) Boss, The (2016) Boss (2013) Bottom of the 9th (2019) Bounce Back, The (2017) Bounce (2001) Bound (1997) Bounty Hunter, The (2010) Bourne Identity, The (2002) Bourne Legacy, The (2012) Bourne Supremacy, The (2004) Bourne Ultimatum, The (2007) Bowfinger (1999) Bowling for Columbine (2003) Box of Moonlight (1997) Boxer, The (1998) Boxtrolls (3D), The (2014) Boxtrolls, The (2014) Box, The (2010) Boy A (2008) Boy Called Twist (2005) Boy Next Door, The (2015) Boy in the Striped Pyjamas, The (2008) Boychoir (2015) Boyhood (2014) Boys Don't Cry (2000) Boys From County Clare, The (2004) Boys and Girls (2001) Boys are Back, The (2010) Boy, The (2016) Brüno (2009) Brad's Status (2018) Brahmanda Nayagan (2018) Brahms: The Boy II (2020) Brassed Off (1997) Bratz: The Movie (2007) Brave (3D) (2012) Brave One, The (2007) Braven (2018) Brave (2012) Breach (2007) Bread & Roses (2000) Bread & Tulips (2001) Break ke Baad (2010) Break-Up, The (2006) Breakaway (2011) Breakdown (1997) Breakfast on Pluto (2006) Breakin' All the Rules (2004) Breaking In (2018) Breaking The Waves (1997) Breaking Through (2015) Breaking and Entering (2007) Breakthrough (2019) Breathe (2018) Breed, The (2007) Brick Lane (2008) Brick Mansions (2014) Brick (2006) Bride & Prejudice (2004) Bride Wars (2009) Bride of Chucky (1999) Bride of the Wind (2002) Brideshead Revisited (2008) Bridesmaids (2011) Brides (2005) Bridge of Spies (2015) Bridge to Terabithia (2007) Bridget Jones's Baby (2016) Bridget Jones's Diary (2001) Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004) Bridge, The (2000) Bright Star (2010) Bright Young Things (2004) Brightburn (2019) Brighton Rock (2011) Brimstone (2017) Bring it On (2000) Bringing Down the House (2003) Bringing Out the Dead (2000) Brokeback Mountain (2006) Brokedown Palace (1999) Broken Circle Breakdown, The (2014) Broken City (2013) Broken Embraces (2010) Broken Flowers (2005) Broken Hearts Club: A Romantic Comedy, The (2001) Broken Promises 3: The Final Insult (2011) Broken Promises 4-Ever (2018) Broken Wings (2004) Brooklyn's Finest (2010) Brooklyn (2015) Brother Bear (2004) Brotherhood (2011) Brothers Bloom, The (2009) Brothers Grimm, The (2006) Brothers, The (2001) Brothers (2010) Brothers (2015) Brother (2002) Brown Bunny, The (2004) Brown Sugar (2003) Bruce Almighty (2003) Brylcreem Boys (1997) Bubble Boy (2001) Bucket List, The (2008) Buddha Mar Gaya (2007) Buena Vista Social Club (2000) Buffalo 66 (1999) Buffalo Soldiers (2004) Bug's Life, A (1999) Bugs! (2009) Bullet to the Head (2013) Bulletproof Monk (2003) Bulletproof (1997) Bullett Raja (2013) Bullhead (2012) Bully (2012) Bulworth (1999) Bumblebee (3D) (2018) Bumblebee (4DX) (2018) Bumblebee (2018) Bunny Chow: Know Thyself (2007) Bunty Aur Babli (2005) Burlesque (2011) Burn After Reading (2009) Burning Plain, The (2009) Burnt (2015) Bus 657 (2015) Business for Pleasure (1997) Bustin' Chops: The Movie (2013) Bustin' Down the Door (2008) Butler, The (2013) Butterfly Effect, The (2004) Butterfly's Tongue (2000) Butter (2013) Bye Bye Man, The (2017) Bypass (2017) C CHIPS (2017) Cabin Fever (2004) Cabin in the Woods, The (2012) Cadillac Records (2009) Café Society (2016) Café de los Maestros (2009) Cake (2007) Cake (2015) Cake (2018) Calcutta Mail (2003) Calendar Girls (2003) Call Me by Your Name (2018) Call of the Wild, The (2020) Callas Forever (2004) Call, The (2013) Calvary (2014) Camouflage (1999) Campaign, The (2012) Camp (2004) Can You Ever Forgive Me? (2019) Can You Keep a Secret? (2020) Can't Hardly Wait (1998) Candy (2006) Canyons, The (2014) Capernaum (2019) Capote (2006) Caprice's D'un Fleuve (1998) Captain America: Civil War (3D)(IMAX) (2016) Captain America: Civil War (3D) (2016) Captain America: Civil War (4DX) (2016) Captain America: Civil War (2016) Captain America: The First Avenger (3D) (2011) Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) Captain America: The Winter Soldier (3D)(IMAX) (2014) Captain America: The Winter Soldier (3D) (2014) Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014) Captain Conan (1998) Captain Corelli's Mandolin (2001) Captain Fantastic (2016) Captain Marvel (3D IMAX) (2019) Captain Marvel (3D) (2019) Captain Marvel (4DX) (2019) Captain Marvel (2019) Captain Phillips (2013) Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie (3D) (2017) Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie (2017) Captive State (2019) Captivity (2007) Capturing the Friedmans (2005) Caramel (2008) Career Girls (1997) Carmen in Khayelitsha (2005) Carnage (2012) Carol (2015) Carpool (1997) Carrie (2014) Cars 2 (3D) (2011) Cars 2 (2011) Cars 3 (3D) (2017) Cars 3 (2017) Cars (2006) Casanova (2006) Case for Christ, The (2017) Cash (2007) Casino Royale (2006) Cast Away (2001) Castle, The (1998) Cat in the Hat, The (2004) Cat's Meow, The (2003) Catch .44 (2012) Catch Me If You Can (2003) Catch That Kid (2004) Catch a Fire (2007) Catch and Release (2007) Catching Feelings (2018) Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (3D) (2010) Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (2010) Cats & Dogs (2001) Cats (2019) Catwoman (2004) Caught Up (1999) Caveman's Valentine, The (2001) Cave, The (2006) Celebration, The (2000) Celebrity (1999) Celeste and Jesse Forever (2012) Cellular (2005) Cell, The (2000) Cell (2016) Center of the World, The (2001) Central Intelligence (2016) Central Station (1999) Centre Stage (2000) Centurion (2010) Ceremony (2011) Chéri (2009) Chaar Sahibzaade (2016) Chak De India (2007) Chakravyuh (2012) Chalet Girl (2011) Chalte Chalte (2003) Chamber, The (1997) Chameleon (2011) Chameli (2004) Chance Pe Dance (2010) Chandni Chowk to China (2009) Chandramukhi (2005) Change-Up, The (2011) Changeling (2009) Changing Lanes (2002) Chaos Factor (2000) Chappaquiddick (2018) Chappie (IMAX) (2015) Chappie (2015) Charlie Bartlett (2008) Charlie St. Cloud (2010) Charlie Wilson's War (2008) Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005) Charlie's Angels (4DX) (2019) Charlie's Angels (IMAX) (2019) Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (2003) Charlie's Angels (2000) Charlie's Angels (2019) Charlotte Gray (2002) Charlotte's Web (2006) Charming (3D) (2018) Charming (2018) Chashme Baddoor (2013) Chasing Amy (1998) Chasing Mavericks (2013) Che: Part One (2009) Che: Part Two (2009) Cheaper by the Dozen 2 (2006) Cheaper by the Dozen (2004) Cheeni Kum (2007) Chef in Love, A (1998) Chef (2014) Chef (2017) Chekka Chivantha Vaanam (2018) Cheliyaa (2017) Chennai Express (2013) Chernobyl Diaries (2012) Cherry Falls (2001) Chhalaang (2020) Chhapaak (2020) Chhichhore (2019) Chicago (2003) Chicken Little (2005) Chicken Run (2000) Chikin Biznis - The Whole Story (1999) Child 44 (2015) Child's Play (2019) Children Act, The (2018) Children of Heaven (1999) Children of Men (2006) Children of the Century, The (2000) Children of the Revolution (1998) Chill Factor (2000) Chill Out (2004) Chimpanzee (2013) China: The Panda Adventure (2001) Chinese Box (1998) Chloe (2010) Chocolat (2001) Chocolat (2016) Choice, The (2016) Choke (2008) Chokher Bali: A Passion Play (2004) Chopper (2001) Chori Chori (2003) Chorus, The (2005) Christmas Carol (3D), A (2009) Christmas Carol, A (2009) Christmas Cottage, The (2008) Christmas with the Kranks (2004) Christopher Robin (2018) Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, The (2008) Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, The (2005) Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (3D), The (2010) Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, The (2010) Chronicles of Riddick, The (2004) Chronicle (2012) Chuck & Buck (2001) Chumscrubber, The (2006) Chup Chup Ke (2006) Churchill (2017) Chutney Popcorn (2002) Cider House Rules, The (2000) Cinderella Man (2005) Cinderella Story, A (2004) Cinderella (2015) Circle, The (2017) Circus (2000) Cirque du Soleil: Worlds Away (3D) (2013) Citizen Ruth (1997) City by the Sea (2002) City of Angels (1998) City of Ember (2009) City of God (2003) City of Industry (1997) City of Lies (2019) City of Men (2008) City of Violence (2014) Civil Action, A (1999) Claim, The (2001) Claire Dolan (1999) Clash of the Titans (3D) (2010) Clash of the Titans (2010) Clay Pigeons (1999) Clearing, The (2004) Clerks II (2007) Click (2006) Climbers, The (2019) Clockstoppers (2002) Closed Circuit (2013) Closer You Get, The (2000) Closer (2005) Closet, The (2002) Closing the Ring (2008) Cloud Atlas (2012) Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs (3D) (2009) Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs (IMAX) (2009) Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs (2009) Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 (3D) (2014) Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 (2014) Cloverfield (2008) Club Dread (2004) Coach Carter (2005) Cobbler, The (2015) Cock and Bull Story, A (2006) Cocktail (2012) Coco (3D) (2017) Coco Chanel & Igor Stravinsky (2010) Coco avant Chanel (2009) Coco (2017) Code Name: The Cleaner (2007) Code Unknown (2001) Cold Harbour (2014) Cold Light of Day, The (2012) Cold Mountain (2004) Cold Pursuit (2019) Colette (2018) Collateral Beauty (2017) Collateral Damage (2002) Collateral (2004) College Road Trip (2008) Collide (2017) Colombiana (2011) Colony, The (2014) Colossal (2018) Colour of Paradise, The (2000) Comebacks, The (2008) Comedian Harmonists (1999) Coming Home (2015) Commando 3 (2019) Committed (2000) Common Wealth (2001) Commuter (IMAX), The (2018) Commuter, The (2018) Company You Keep, The (2013) Company, The (2004) Con Air (1997) Conan the Barbarian (3D) (2011) Conan the Barbarian (2011) Concert, The (2011) Concussion (2015) Condemned, The (2008) Confessions of a Dangerous Mind (2003) Confessions of a Gambler (2008) Confessions of a Shopaholic (2009) Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004) Confession, The (1999) Confetti (2006) Confidence (2003) Conjuring 2, The (2016) Conjuring, The (2013) Connie and Carla (2005) Conspiracy Theory (1997) Conspirator, The (2011) Constant Gardener, The (2005) Constantine (2005) Contact (1997) Contagion (2011) Contender, The (2001) Contraband (2012) Conversations on a Sunday Afternoon (2006) Conversations with God (2007) Conviction (2011) Cookie's Fortune (1999) Cookout, The (2005) Cool It (2011) Cooler, The (2004) Copland (1998) Copposites (2012) Coral Reef Adventure (2003) Coraline 3D (2009) Coraline (2009) Core, The (2003) Coriolanus (2012) Corky Romano (2002) Corporate Ladder (1997) Corporate (2006) Corpse Bride (2005) Cosi (1997) Cosmic Africa (2003) Counselor, The (2013) Count of Monte Cristo, The (2002) Countdown (2019) Counterfeiters, The (2008) Country Bears, The (2002) Country Strong (2011) Couples Retreat (2009) Couples' Night (2019) Courageous (2012) Cousin Bette (1998) Covenant, The (2006) Cove, The (2010) Cowboys & Aliens (2011) Coyote Ugly (2000) Crónicas (2005) Cradle 2 the Grave (2003) Cradle Will Rock (2000) Crank: High Voltage (2009) Crank (2007) Crash (2005) Crawl (2019) Crazies, The (2010) Crazy Heart (2010) Crazy Monkey — Straight Outta Benoni (2005) Crazy Rich Asians (2018) Crazy in Alabama (2000) Crazy, Stupid, Love. (2011) Creation (2010) Creature (3D) (2014) Creed II (2018) Creed (2015) Creep (2005) Crew, The (2001) Crime of Padre Amaro, The (2003) Criminal (2016) Crimson Peak (IMAX) (2015) Crimson Peak (2015) Crimson Rivers, The (2001) Critical Care (1999) Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles (2001) Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course, The (2002) Croods (3D), The (2013) Croods, The (2013) Crook (2010) Crossing Over (2009) Crossroads (2002) Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2001) Croupier (2002) Crow: Salvation, The (2000) Crow: Wicked Prayer, The (2006) Cruel Intentions (1999) Crush (2002) Cry of Love (2016) Cry_Wolf (2006) Cuba: An African Odyssey (2008) Cube (2001) Cup, The (2000) Cup, The (2012) Cure for Wellness, A (2017) Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The (2009) Current War, The (2019) Curry & Vice (2013) Curse of Highway Sheila, The (2014) Curse of La Llorona, The (2019) Curse of the Golden Flower (2007) Curse of the Jade Scorpion, The (2002) Cursed (2005) Cut Bank (2015) Cut-Out Girls (2019) Cyrus (2010) crazy/beautiful (2001) D Déjà Vu (2006) D-Tox (2002) DOA: Dead or Alive (2007) DUFF, The (2015) Da Vinci Code, The (2006) Daawat-e-Ishq (2014) Dabangg 2 (2012) Dabangg 3 (2019) Dabangg (2010) Daddy Day Camp (2007) Daddy Day Care (2003) Daddy and Them (2002) Daddy's Home 2 (2017) Daddy's Home (2016) Daddy's Little Girls (2007) Daddy (2017) Dallas Buyers Club (2014) Damage (2010) Damsels in Distress (2012) Dan in Real Life (2008) Dance Flick (2009) Dance With Me (1998) Dancer Upstairs, The (2003) Dancer in the Dark (2001) Dancing at Lughnasa (1999) Dangal (2016) Dangerous Ishhq (2012) Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys, The (2003) Danish Girl, The (2016) Danny Collins (2015) Danny Deckchair (2006) Darbar (2020) Daredevil (2003) Darjeeling Limited, The (2008) Dark Blue (2003) Dark City (1998) Dark Knight Rises, The (2012) Dark Knight, The (2008) Dark Phoenix (3D IMAX) (2019) Dark Phoenix (3D) (2019) Dark Phoenix (2019) Dark Places (2015) Dark Shadows (2012) Dark Skies (2013) Dark Tide (2012) Dark Tower (4DX), The (2017) Dark Tower, The (2017) Dark Waters (2020) Dark Water (2005) Darkest Hour (3D), The (2012) Darkest Hour, The (2012) Darkest Hour (2018) Darkest Minds, The (2018) Darkness Falls (2003) Darkness (2005) Darling Companion (2012) Darling (2007) Date Movie (2006) Date Night (2010) Dawn of the Dead (2004) Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (3D) (2014) Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014) Day After Tomorrow, The (2004) Day Watch (2007) Day the Earth Stood Still, The (2008) Daybreakers (2010) Dazzle (2002) De Dana Dan (2009) De De Pyaar De (2019) De-Lovely (2004) Dead Girl, The (2007) Dead Man Down (2013) Dead Man on Campus (1998) Deadpool (4DX) (2016) Deadpool (IMAX) (2016) Deadpool 2 (4DX) (2018) Deadpool 2 (IMAX) (2018) Deadpool 2 (2018) Deadpool (2016) Dear Frankie (2005) Dear John (2010) Dear White People (2015) Dear Zindagi (2016) Death Defying Acts (2008) Death Proof (2008) Death Race (2008) Death Sentence (2007) Death Warrior (2010) Death Wish (2018) Death at a Funeral (2007) Death at a Funeral (2010) Deception (2008) Deck the Halls (2006) Deconstructing Harry (1998) Dedh Ishqiya (2014) Deep Blue Sea (1999) Deep Crimson (1998) Deep End of the Ocean, The (1999) Deep End, The (2002) Deep End (2019) Deep Impact (1998) Deep Rising (1998) Deep Sea (3D)(IMAX) (2006) Deep Water (2007) Deepwater Horizon (4DX) (2016) Deepwater Horizon (IMAX) (2016) Deepwater Horizon (2016) Deewaar (2004) Deewane Huye Paagal (2005) Defiance (2009) Definitely, Maybe (2008) Delhi Belly (2011) Delhi-6 (2009) Deliver Us From Evil (2007) Deliver Us from Evil (2014) Delivery Man (2014) Demolition (2016) Den of Thieves (2018) Denial (2017) Departed, The (2006) Departures (2009) Der Baader Meinhof Komplex (2009) Derailed (2006) Descendants, The (2012) Descent: Part 2, The (2010) Descent, The (2006) Desert Dancer (2015) Desi Boyz (2011) Desierto (2016) Desperate Measures (1998) Despicable Me (3D) (2010) Despicable Me 2 (3D) (2013) Despicable Me 2 (2013) Despicable Me 3 (3D) (2017) Despicable Me 3 (2017) Despicable Me (2010) Destiny of Her Own, A (1999) Destiny (1998) Destroyer (2019) Detachment (2013) Detective Byomkesh Bakshy! (2015) Detroit Rock City (2000) Detroit (2017) Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005) Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigalo (2000) Deuces Wild (2002) Dev (Tamil) (2019) Dev (Telugu) (2019) Devdas (2002) Devil Inside, The (2012) Devil Wears Prada, The (2006) Devil's Advocate (1998) Devil's Backbone, The (2003) Devil's Double, The (2011) Devil's Due (2014) Devil's Island (1998) Devil's Knot (2014) Devil's Own, The (1997) Devils on the Doorstep (2002) Dev (2004) Dev (2019) Dhaam Dhoom (2008) Dhadak (2018) Dhadkan (2001) Dhamaal (2007) Dhan Dhana Dhan Goal (2007) Dhobi Ghat (2011) Dhol (2007) Dhoom 2 (2006) Dhoom: 3 (IMAX) (2013) Dhoom: 3 (2013) Dhoom (2004) Diana (2013) Diary of a Mad Black Woman (2006) Diary of a Teenage Girl, The (2015) Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days (2012) Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules (2011) Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017) Diary of a Wimpy Kid (2010) Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star (2003) Dick (1999) Dictator, The (2012) Did You Hear About the Morgans? (2010) Die Another Day (2002) Die Ballade van Robbie de Wee (2013) Die Hard 4.0 (2007) Die Laaste Tango (2013) Die Ongelooflike Avonture van Hanna Hoekom (2010) Die Ontwaking (2016) Die Pro (2015) Die Rebellie van Lafras Verwey (2017) Die Seemeeu (2019) Die Sneeukoningin (3D) (2015) Die Sneeukoningin 2 (3D) (2016) Die Sneeukoningin 2 (2016) Die Sneeukoningin (2015) Die Spook van Uniondale (2014) Die Stropers (2018) Die Stropers (2019) Die Verhaal van Racheltjie de Beer (2019) Die Windpomp (2014) Die Wonderwerker (2012) Digimon (2001) Dil Bole Hadippa! (2009) Dil Chahte Hai (2001) Dil Dhadakne Do (2015) Dil Hai Tumhaara (2002) Dil Jo Bhi Kahey (2005) Dil Ka Rishta (2003) Dil Maange More (2005) Dil Ne Jise Apna Kaha (2004) Dil Toh Baccha Hai Ji (2011) Dilemma, The (2011) Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge (2005) Dilwale (2015) Dino Time (3D) (2013) Dino Time (2013) Dinosaurs Alive (2009) Dinosaurs: Giants of Patagonia (2007) Dinosaur (2000) Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights (2004) Dirty Grandpa (2016) Dirty Picture, The (2011) Dirty Pretty Things (2003) Dirty Shame, A (2005) Dirty Work (1999) Dis Ek, Anna (2015) Dis Koue Kos, Skat (2016) Disappearance of Eleanor Rigby: Them, The (2015) Disappointments Room, The (2017) Disaster Artist, The (2018) Disaster Movie (2008) Disconnect (2013) Discreet (2008) Disgrace (2009) Dishoom (2016) Dish, The (2001) District 13: Ultimatum (2010) District 9 (2009) Disturbia (2007) Disturbing Behavior (1999) Divergent Series: Allegiant (4DX), The (2016) Divergent Series: Allegiant (IMAX), The (2016) Divergent Series: Allegiant, The (2016) Divergent Series: Insurgent (3D)(IMAX), The (2015) Divergent Series: Insurgent (3D), The (2015) Divergent Series: Insurgent, The (2015) Divergent (2014) Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (2002) Diving Bell and the Butterfly, The (2008) Divorcing Jack (1999) Django Unchained (2013) Do Knot Disturb (2009) Do You Believe? (2015) Dobaara: See Your Evil (2017) Dobermann (1998) Doctor Sleep (2019) Doctor Strange (3D)(IMAX) (2016) Doctor Strange (3D) (2016) Doctor Strange (4DX) (2016) Doctor Strange (2016) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004) Dog's Journey, A (2019) Dog's Purpose, A (2017) Dog's Way Home, A (2019) Dogma (1999) Dogtown and Z-Boys (2002) Dogville (2004) Doing Time for Patsy Cline (1998) Dolittle (3D IMAX) (2020) Dolittle (3D) (2020) Dolittle (4DX) (2020) Dolittle (2020) Dolly ki Doli (2015) Dolphin Tale (3D) (2012) Dolphin Tale 2 (2014) Dolphin Tale (2012) Dolphins (2001) Domestic Disturbance (2002) Dominee Tienie (2019) Domino (2006) Don 2 (3D) (2011) Don 2 (2011) Don Jon (2014) Don't Be Afraid of the Dark (2011) Don't Breathe (2016) Don't Move (2005) Don't Say a Word (2002) Donnie Brasco (1997) Don (2006) Doomsday (2008) Doom (2005) Door in the Floor, The (2004) Dope (2015) Dora and the Lost City of Gold (4DX) (2019) Dora and the Lost City of Gold (2019) Dora's Peace (2016) Dorian Gray (2010) Dostana (2008) Dosti: Friends Forever (2005) Dot the I (2006) Double Dhamaal (2011) Double Jeopardy (2000) Double Take (2001) Double Team (1997) Doubt (2009) Doug's 1st Movie (1999) Down a Dark Hall (2018) Down in the Valley (2006) Down to Earth (2001) Down to You (2000) Down with Love (2003) Downfall, The (2005) Downsizing (2018) Downton Abbey (2019) Dr Agaki (1999) Dr Dolittle (1998) Dr T & the Women (2001) Dr. Cabbie (2014) Dr. Dolittle 2 (2001) Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears a Who! (2008) Dr. Seuss' The Lorax (3D) (2012) Dr. Seuss' The Lorax (2012) Dracula 2000 (2001) Dracula Untold (IMAX) (2014) Dracula Untold (2014) Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1997) Drag Me to Hell (2009) Dragonball: Evolution (2009) Dragonfly (2002) Dream Girl (2019) Dream House (2011) Dream Life of Angels, The (1999) Dreamcatcher (2003) Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story (2006) Dreamers, The (2004) Dreamgirls (2007) Dreaming of Joseph Lees (2000) Dredd 3D (2012) Dressmaker, The (2016) Dress, The (1997) Drillbit Taylor (2008) Drishyam (2015) Drive Angry 3D (2011) Drive Hard (2014) Drive Me Crazy (2000) Driven to Kill (2009) Driven (2001) Drive (1997) Drive (2011) Driving Lessons (2007) Drona (2008) Drop Dead Gorgeous (1999) Drop, The (2014) Drowning Mona (2001) Drumline (2003) Drum (2005) Duchess, The (2009) Duck Duck Goose (2018) Dude, Where's My Car (2001) Dudley Do-Right (1999) Due Date (2010) Duets (2001) Dukes of Hazzard, The (2005) Duke, The (2000) Dulha Mil Gaya (2010) Dum Maaro Dum (2011) Dumb and Dumber To (2014) Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003) Dumbo (3D IMAX) (2019) Dumbo (3D) (2019) Dumbo (2019) Dumplin' (2019) Dungeons & Dragons (2001) Dunkirk (IMAX) (2017) Dunkirk (2017) Duplex (2004) Duplicity (2009) Dus Kahaniyaan (2007) Dus (2005) Dying of the Light (2015)
So, you wanna go to SHOT show? You think it's all fun and games? Get to play with guns? See Jesse James and R. Lee Ermey? SHOT show is the annual pilgrimage of the unwashed masses to Las Vegas to rub elbows with youtube celebrities, bloggers and overseas businessmen copying US made equipment and share infectious disease. If you love guns, gambling and gonorrhea - SHOT show is for you! It is not my typical idea of a good time. I am not a big fan of Las Vegas. However: I do attend for a few reasons. First, I do enjoy travel and I'm platinum on AA so I can usually score an upgrade. Second, industry people are in there that I do hundreds of thousands if not millions of dollars with business with so it's nice to put a face with the name and see what deals are out there. SHOT for me has been a bust for the past few years. Being a value guy, I want to buy at $1000 and sell at $3000 and as of recently the gun business is more like buy for $1 and sell for $1.10 if you get what I mean. We used to do business at SHOT and now it's just checking in on foursquare, instagram and rubbing elbows with bloggers and the like. I want to make money, not spend money so this is very annoying to me. Anyways, onto the play by play. Monday, January 16th. One day before SHOT show. http://imgur.com/a/HoFUm Every time I've been rejected by a woman, I move $1 from checking into savings and I take the bankroll down to the Wynn for some play. Lets do this. The TSA line is a shitshow thanks to, well TSA. I slog my way to the lounge, as shitty as it is to wait for my winged chariot to DFW. I have gone from being in an abusive relationship with Delta to being in an abusive relationship with AA. Although if you really want to experience the battered spouse feeling, UA is a few gates over. This trip's light reading is trying to finish "The Tipping Point" by Malcolm Gladwell. Such a good book as well as "Outliers" if you want a good read. I walk up to the podium to find out that my upgrades do not clear, even as an AA Plat thanks to the addition of a FOURTH elite tier. Goddamn fucking W. Doug Parker. Asshole. I gate check my bags to make life easier for me and the rest of the folks. The gate agent calls concierge key and executive platinum passengers. I look down and realize I'm wearing a suit and board with the executive platinum folks because I do not care and I look the part. If you walk with a purpose and are dressed reasonably well, you fit the profile. I settle into my window seat and try to finish outliers. I pass out before takeoff and I'm awoken by the dulcet tones of the flight attendants preparing for landing. We land at Dallas a few minutes early and I hightail it to the Centurion for a quick bite to eat. I grab a plate and help myself to some of the excellent brisket, pecan encrusted chicken and some roasted jumbo asparagus. Yes, my pee is going to smell funny. No, I do not care. The lounge is packed. The bar is full and I grab a quick single malt as I have my meal since American's not going to feed me. They begin boarding to Mccarran as I walk out of the lounge. No time for a stop in the spa on this trip. I make it to the gate just as the call group 2 boarding. I bypass the main line and walk up through the priority line giving no heed to the people that have been waiting there before me as I hold up my paper boarding pass with PLATINUM to the gate agent. I board and take my usual seat - the exit row without the seat in front of it. I'm aghast to see this sight. http://imgur.com/a/dygil The savages. Literally. The savages. I put my loathing away for a moment and look down at the exit row. I have the window. The aisle is a large middle aged man and in the middle is what I believe to be a formecurrent linebacker for the Dallas Cowboys wearing a 52 regular sports jacket. He's not a fat guy in a little coat, he's a big fucking hulk of a man stuffed in an exit row seat that is already an inch narrower due to the tray table. I grimace as I take my seat and give him the manly nod. He does not look happy about the fact that his knees are in the seat in front and I'm stretched out like a Cheshire cat in front of a fireplace on a cold January afternoon. The boarding door closes for an on time departure and Stephanie the FA takes her seat. He leans over and asks if he can take the empty row across the aisle and she takes one look at the three of us and gives him the nod. I bail out to give him a path of egress and suddenly the trip to Las Vegas has just become way more comfortable. I finish The Tipping Point somewhere over west texas, so I pop a xanax and dr pepper and zone out for the rest of the ride. I awake to feel one of the FA's jostling me awake telling me to put my seat up. I do so and we have a ride so smooth that not even the Delta guy behind me can complain about light chop. We catch the TYSSN4 arrival and the next thing I know it the Messier Dowty landing gear of the A321 touch the paint at Mccarran for a smooth rollout down 25L. My phone battery is approaching grim death since this seat has no power plugs and I find bartman383 has sent me a message. He has been enjoying LV with his wife and their due to bad weather they are in the city of sin for a few extra nights. He invites me to dinner. I'm still pretty full from DFW and I tell him I'll be over there once I get my bags and the car and I'll see him when I see him. He gives me the info for the hotel as we pull up to the gate. First stop: Centurion lounge. AA's app tells me bags being unloaded. I grab a quick bite of fried chicken and brussels sprouts since they are good for you and a chocolate pudding. The brisket and pecan encrusted chicken from DFW still has me full but I'm well aware of the speed of a union baggage handlers nowadays and who doesn't like chocolate pudding? Terrorists. That's who. Want to know how to screen for terrorists TSA? Set up a table of free chocolate pudding at the airport. The people who don't take any are members of ISIS. It's just that simple. I grab my bag and hoof it to Hertz. I'm an idiot and I am an hour late for my pickup. Oops. Will an Audi A3 suffice? I sigh and I accept my Teutonic quattro chariot. I do a burnout in the parking garage and hightail it to the exit. I flash my #1 card and my ID and the gatekeeper gives me the go ahead. I get onto the the strip and traffic is awful. I'm going to be late for dinner. I make a left onto Russell Road and hightail it up the 15. I manage to get the car up to 100 as I pass the Luxor. My phone is dead so I can't message Bart about being late. Fuck. The exit approaches quickly as I put the 4 wheel disk brakes to work and sling the car around and head south on Las Vegas Bl. I accidentally turn into the Bellagio and I'm now running even more late. Fuck. Eventually, I get the car into the garage at the Cosmopolitan and head upstairs. I cannot remember the name of the restaurant but I head up to the third floor where all the restaurants are and I see this sign that's reminiscent of my days in retail. It says RESTAURANT - LOUNGE - PAWN SHOP. I laugh. I walk in. It's literally a pawnshop. I look around puzzled. FC: Is this a restaurant? Bald Headed Guy: Yes, through that door. He points towards a door. I walk in to find a bustling restaurant, lounge via the entrance of pawnshop. This is insane. I pass a mirror and check myself out. I adjust my tie, after all it is YSL and the ladies LOVE YSL. Remember that. I find the hostess and inform her I will be joining some friends for dinner. They probably do not have me on the reservation though but I turn on the charm and she smiles and says no problem at all. She asks if my tie is from Hermes. I say no, I'm a YSL guy. She looks impressed as I tell her I'll make a quick lap of the room to see if they're there and surprise them. She gives me a nod and tells me to go right ahead. Still got it. I spot bart and his wife who I can only remember vaguely from gunnitlive after party video and I pull up a chair. Bart is surprised to see I made it and they are in the middle of dinner. They offer to ply me with food and beverage but I decline as I'm driving so no booze for me and no food since I am stuffed from Dallas. We chat about life and liberty over libations. Bart's wife thinks I am hysterical. She's had a few drinks and they are already into their main courses. The brussels sprouts are way too salty and we have to send it back. No bueno. Bart invites me up to his suite on the top floor of the hotel where we are to meet Brogelicious later in the evening. I say, when in rome......we head to the top floor of the hotel tower where Bart shows me his view from the balcony and cracks open the mini bar for some more libations. He asks if I want a drink and I say I better not. I'm driving. Not 30 seconds after arriving, brogel shows up. Bart's wife hugs brogel. She's infatuated with him. We start shooting the shit and bart opens up the minibar and tells us to take anything we want, it's on the hotel. I laugh and I look outside as bart opens his yeti 110 for some silver bullets. Apparently he is so baller the hotel will send up a yeti 110 filled with beer to make him happy. His wife is apparently such a baller. I ball on a budget. They just ball. Hahaha. We shoot the shit some more about guns, gun stuff and people on the reddit for a while. I get a little thirsty and I crack open bart's cooler. I ask him how long the stuff in the cooler is supposed to last and he says until Wednesday. I look down and I am agape at what I see. We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge, and I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon. I mentally prepared my butthole and I decided to help myself to a coors light against my wishes but Bart, Bart's wife and Brogel are all drinking so I let peer pressure take hold as I cracked open a beer with them. We head out to the balcony to smoke some cuban cigars together as bart's wife takes a photo of all of us. We all look like hell. Haha. As bart downs his second beer, he asks me a question. Bart: ever go hunting? Me: Ducks a little bit but not much Bart: ever want to hunt some deadly game? Me: Like on african safari? Bart: No, I mean like.........man. Me: Hahahahhahaaha you're just fucking with me. Hahahahahhaa. That's really funny. Bart: No really, the concierge here at this hotel will set it up for us. It's amazing. I remember my first hunt...... Brogel starts laughing and I realize they've been doing a bit. I've been had. We bullshit about SHOT and Barrett's shotguns and other things and next thing I know, it's late but bart hands me a mixed drink. I sip it a bit and I was in the middle of a tirade complaining about my customers. Suddenly, there was a terrible roar all around us, and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the city, and a voice was screaming: Holy Jesus. What are these goddamn animals? Nobody seems to understand what I'm talking about. It's cold on the balcony. Our cigars are done. We head indoors. No point in mentioning these bats, I thought. Poor bastards will see them soon enough. Back indoors I realize Brussels sprouts and coors light is a bad choice. Seriously no bueno. I excuse myself to the bathroom and drain the vein. The asparagus funny smelling pee and the side effects of beer and brussels sprouts is a noxious combination that a defense contractor should weaponize it. It's pretty bad and not even cuban tobbaco can mask the smell. I sit back down and continue to talk about guns and stuff with bart and the gang and bart asks who ruined the bathroom. I apologize as he sprays a bunch of febreze around and opens the balcony. I apolgize to brogel. He is not accepting my apology. (sorry :( ) Nearly 11, it's about time to pull chocks and mosey on down the dusty trail. I don't want to prompt an evacuation of the hotel due to noxious odors so I decide to leave and bart seems to be kinda mad that I've ripped ass and polluted the sanctuary of his hotel. Half a coors light and brussels sprouts are no bueno in my book now. Bart decides to party hard with his wife and I offer brogel a ride home. He seems skeptical to share a confined space with me after I have just destroyed bart's hotel room. The car has 4 windows and the Uber will cost him a few bucks he can put towards ammo. He relents as we head down to the garage to find my car. Thankfully we find it quickly and I manage to contain the weapons of ass destruction for the 16 minute ride off strip to casa de brogel. He says I'm not that bad a dude and I agree as I hightail it to my hotel. I cannot find my hotel reservations so I call my travel agent to see. Apparently the Wynn was not in my travel budget this year. I have come to find out I have been booked at Circus Circus, much to my chagrin. How bad could it be? I've stayed at the Wynn. I've stayed at Encore. I've stayed at the hotel that Elisabeth Shue's character got raped in in Leaving Las Vegas - but Circus Circus? Did I mention that I HATE CLOWNS? I HATE CLOWNS. Fuck. I pull into the parking garage and the check in line resembles something straight out of the TSA line at Mccarran. 45 minutes to check in. The clerk is friendly and says he's also from Louisiana which is neat. He asks if I've stayed there before and I, being a connoisseur of old vegas history I decide to make a joke and I tell him the last time I was there, Jay Sarno owned the place. He got a laugh. I head up to my room and unpack. The lobby is clean as an old vegas casino can be, the room is clean and there's no way to plug anything in since the hotel predates personal electronic devices. I plug my phone into my external battery and collapse on the bed. I message Bart and chugbleach instead of falling asleep about show tomorrow and I offer to pick bart up early since there is no shuttle from the cosmo. Tuesday, November 16th SHOT Show Day One I awoke several hours later in a daze......the clock said 10AM. The show opened at 8:30. Fuck me to tears. I hurry up and get dressed and down to the sands convention center. The parking lot is FULL. The entire complex is a mess. When my man Steve Wynn built his joint he didn't build enough parking. So people would park at the Venetian and now FUCKING NOBODY CAN GET A PARKING SPACE. Holy shit. I eventually say fuck it and park over at the Wynn and walk over to the Sands. I meet up with a few of my regular suppliers and I see nothing interesting at all. Bart went to bed at 6AM after spending all night partying with his wife over at the palazzo. I joke and say that he just should have stayed there. Bart is amazed at the size of the show and we have lunch at the most disgusting place in las vegas - the convention center bistro snack bar. Bart is a wise man as he grabs a powerade and a fruit cup. I decide to try an "italian beef" and a fruit cup instead of fries to stay semi health conscious. The "italian beef" is the most disgusting thing I have ever eaten. It is flat out depressing. They give me fries with it and I demand a fruit cup. The sassy black woman working the stand asks me "DID YOU ASK FOR FRUIT? CAUSE RIGHT HERE SAYS FRIES" and I channel my inner Louis CK from the "this is how I talk" bit from SNL as I shoot back "WHY YOU FRONTIN ON ME I ASKED FOR FRUIT AND YOUR ASS BETTER BACK UP AND GET ME SOME FRUIT" so she goes back and gets me some fruit. The "italian beef", my fruit cup, bart's fruit cup and powerade comes to $81. My platinum amex comes out and I treat bart to "lunch". We bullshit about guns and stuff in the Springfield booth as we wait at the world's worst concession stand. We eat and Bart is so hungover that he thinks he is in need of physical therapy and a wheelchair. There is no way he is going to party tonight before his trip home. Or so I think. Haha. I meander around the show a bit more and I find this, the most USELESS PRODUCT OF 2017. It's made by a company called radetec. http://imgur.com/a/GOiCB It's a shot counter. For your gun. A digital odometer, for your gun. The only person that would buy this is the guy like my dad that kept a spiral bound notebook in his car where he documented how many miles he traveled per tank, gallons dispensed, PRICE, service station and whether they had a different price for cash/charge, oil consumption, tire rotations, alignments, all services - scheduled or otherwise, and a running odometer. Does anyone know the gun owner who asks for a round count when they are looking at a used gun? The question I always shoot back is "do you want to be lied at a little or do you want to be lied at a lot?" because that's what you're asking for when you ask for round count. UNLESS YOU BUY THIS PRODUCT! I roll my eyes so far back into my head that I nearly lose my balance. This is idiotic. I cannot fathom anyone willing to buy this. What a waste of perfectly good exhibition space. Bart heads back to his hotel after visiting SHOT show for a few hours, not getting any swag and to get an IV of fluids since he looked like he was rapidly approaching grim death. I wrap up visiting prime vendors and checking out the new products, or lack thereof because I have something on the schedule. At 4:30 there's a suicide prevention for retailers seminar hosted by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. As many of you know this is an issue that is important to me and perhaps we as retailers should be doing more. The keynote was from their chief medical director talking about the accessibility of firearms and the mindset of the "typical" suicide. Mostly men. If you are a veteran you are at a significantly larger risk. The information was presented very not surprisingly and one of the things discussed was that we only spend around 21M a year on suicide prevention. A few take away facts from the keynote: When suicide barriers are put up on a bridge, suicide rates for the entire area drop. The key to preventing suicide is getting people to talk about their problems. Once you can get someone out of that mindset, they are statistically less likely to do it and live productive lives afterwards. There are certain terms that they are trying to get away from - for instance, they are not saying "committed suicide" they are now saying "died by suicide" in order to bring awareness and tell it like it is. One thing that really was interesting to me was my reading on the flight in from Dallas. In The Tipping Point, Gladwell discusses how things stay the same and suddenly they all change. One of the things that he discusses is in micronesia - where teen suicide was practically unheard of became an outright epidemic. One teenager did it, for reasons passing understanding to me as an outsider and then all the other kids realized that they too could escape their pain by hanging themselves as well and suddenly the suicide rates in micronesia became so high to where it became a public health issue. I wish I could show you all the article I wrote on TTAG about my friend's death but it has been lost in the cloud and I am unable to find the last draft I sent to print, but it echoes some of the problems we have with suicide and mental health in the firearm industry. After the keynote, the good doctor opened the floor up for questions. Her keynote posed a lot of statistics but not a lot of answers. I am a detail oriented granular data guy and I did not get a solid grasp of the AFSP solutions posed, if any. Several firearm dealers discussed the lack of a cohesive solution and the takeaway was they're trying to develop awareness for the suicide problem. Their goal is to lower suicide rates but how they get there is yet to be determined. I didn't like hearing that and the comments from the crowd reflected the lack of a "here's what you can do TODAY to help this problem" part of the initiative. Going around the room, one dealer who used NICS said that if a customer was just flat out acting funny - he'd lie to the customer and say there was a delay with NICS even though there was an approval just to get them to not be able to have a gun for a few days. The crowd applauded this initiative, however I'm not sure lying to customers is the best way to run a business and treat them with respect. Another dealer brought up an interesting point. When someone comes in looking to buy a gun and they don't know what kind of gun they want, what caliber, and are generally clueless - they're either buying a gun to kill themselves with, OR perhaps they are a very uneducated prospective customer - and there is no clear way of finding out which is which. The problems presented by the AFSP are real. The solutions aren't there though. Yet. Ideally I'd like to see some change to that. However, there's some problems. I hung around and asked the good doctor and her staff some questions and I am in no way denigrating her life's work and her dedication to preventing suicide since she has dedicated her life's work to the issue, but the conversation went something like this. Did you do any research on the accessibility of firearms from a retailer from the legal standpoint? "No, we haven't" Do you know how the NICS or state POC background systems work in regard to mental health holds, etc? "No" One of the problems that I foresee right off the bat is that you talked about how you are fighting time, and if you can get someone out of that suicide mindset - even for a few hours, you can get them into that higher survival bracket. If we apply a one size fits all solution to it like California and put a 10 day wait on everything with the goal of protecting someone from their own life, how do we balance that with the needs of the woman who has been hiding from her abusive spouse and needs a gun right away? "That's a good question that I don't have an answer for." Their initiative, I admire - the lack of solutions is a little off putting however. I tell the doc about how my friend's suicide has impacted me and she seems to be sympathetic to the situation as does her colleagues. I am given her cards and told to call the next time I'm in New York so we can get together and discuss things within the industry. I'll give them a buzz in a few weeks when I'm up there on business. On my way out of the hall, I run into Massad Ayoob. Nice guy. I've admired his work over the years. Bart invites myself and chugbleach to dinner, I can't reach Chug and even though I am beat I decide to hang out with Bart and Mrs Bart Bart: What do you want to eat? FC: Let's find a nice seafood restaurant and eat some red salmon, I feel a powerful lust for red salmon. I begin vomiting. God damn mescaline. Why the fuck can't they make it a little less pure? We eventually head downstairs and order too much food. We are tired and not very hungry. Bart is still hungover and barely able to process food. His wife is grazing on all sorts of meat products. I am in awe of how they are both still upright after six nonstop nights of partying. I've only been here one day and I feel like I am about to die. Dinner concludes with an awkward hug with bart's wife - I don't know how other men feel about wife hugs so I have just avoided the prospect entirely. Like flying through Denver on Frontier. Or flying on Frontier. Ever. I drive over to the Wynn to set up my markers and the poker room is full. I draw a $2500 marker at the craps table and watch the game a bit. I have never played craps before in my life but the three people there seem to be having fun. I look down at my phone and I realize a plane has landed. fluffy_butternut has landed in Las Vegas on business. I had lost a bet and offered to pick him up from the airport. I cash back in my chips against my casino credit and head back to my car. I cannot find my car. Fuck. I wander the wynn garage which is covered in construction debris. I eventually find it and haul ass to the airport. Now, I didn't know this but fluffy has the WORST SENSE OF DIRECTION AT ALL. Seriously. I have no idea how he even made it to the correct city. He lands and has to get his bag and stuff and I circle the airport. He lets me know he's at door 77 wherever the fuck that was. I drive into the pickup portion and I see no sign. He then says he's coming up a level, and I tell him that I'll be there shortly. I park the car and Metro PD starts yelling. Metro: You can't park your car here. FC: Why not? Is this not a reasonable place to park? Metro: Reasonable? You're on a sidewalk! This is the sidewalk! I give the man a $20 and tell him to keep it running as I wander Mccarran screaming FLUFFY! HERE FLUFFY! I message fluffy to let him know I am the car parked on the sidewalk. I instantly figure out who he is having never seen a photo of him and I throw his bags into the car as we head for his hotel. I haul ass out of the airport and get the A3 on the highway. Now this was a superior machine. Thirty nine grand worth of gimmicks and high-priced special effects. The rear windows lit up with a touch like frogs in a dynamite pond. The dashboard was full of esoteric lights and dials and meters that I would never understand. We check in at the Rio where the desk clerk is friendly and flirty. I express amazement there is no line. Fluffy checks in and we take his bags upstairs and he offers to buy me food for driving him to the airport. I decline. We head to the bar anyways. He orders two beers and we decide to call chug. He's staying out in Summerlin or something because his company is apparently run by cheapskates. He asks if we want to hang out and shoot the shit. I say sure and ask if he wants us to pick up food or anything from CVS or something since I have the car and I'm able to do anything I want. He asks for some toothpaste. No problem. I may be an asshole on the internet but I have a heart of gold. We get some toothpaste get to the hotel. Arriving at the lobby, we have no idea where he is. It turns out he gave us the address for the hotel across the street. We laugh and go to that lobby and shoot the shit till 3AM much to the chagrin of the hotel clerk. Fluffy has some beers and we plan on dinner the next day. I drive fluffy back and arrive at the hotel at 4. Fuck me to tears. Wednesday, January 18th. Day 2 of SHOT show. Alarm goes off at 7:30 AM. I wash up, eat and get breakfast. In the garage by 8:15. Nice. I get some dillo dust and check out the new Sig 220 DA/SA and SAO legions. Daddy likey. I go to a competing firm and I piss of my state sales manager by telling him his newer designed triggers suck ass. He says the company tested them and they're the same in every way. I ask him why the triggers have two different part numbers in the catalog and how come they're not interchangeable and if that's really the case, how come there's X changes in the supposedly identical pistol parts that he's holding side by side. He gets mad at me and says I'm not an expert on their product and perhaps I should take his job since I'm so smart. I agree that I'm smart and I hold firm that if he didn't want me to complain about the shitty trigger, they should stop selling guns with shitty triggers. I am nearly kicked out of the booth. I meet up with some of my wholesale reps and I'm mid convo when I see Itsgoodsoup and his friend walking around the show. I yell SOUP but he does not hear me. So I grab his friend and find him and I tell him we should get together at dinner with fluffy and chug. He agrees. The show winds down, I get some business done and nothing much else. We break for a shitty gunnit live lite and I take a few questions from the crowd in fluffy's suite at the Rio. Dinner is at 8 and we arrive at the restaurant late to find soup and his friend sitting at one table and chug and his girlfriend sitting at another. Perhaps we should have gotten here a little earlier. Hahaha. So, fluffy said the place is really good and I order a few of the specialties of the house. Apparently according to yelp they do a kickass peking duck. Soon to be mrs chug is a vegan. But we can eat meat in front of her. I wonder how it's served and Soup's vancouver raised asian friend tells me that they normally carve it tableside. Our vegan says as long as there's no head she's cool. We're not sure if they can fulfill that request. So we order and food starts coming out and we tell tall tales of shot show BS and other stuff. Sure enough, the duck comes out with the head. No bueno. Haha. But I decide to treat us to vegan donuts at the vegan bakery across the street later. Seven courses later we are full. Vegan bakery closed. I am committed to getting her some vegan donuts though. We head to Fremont street to gamble. Fluffy wanders about and we try craps and we're not impressed. We hit some slots and eventually I hit the craps table where chug explains the game to me. We start betting on dice. And somehow we start winning. I find that the house allows you to take 10X behind the line. No idea what this means so I plop $5 on the pass line and the point hits 6. I drop $50 behind it and it hits. We go a few rounds and leave ahead. It's 2:30 AM. Fuck. I drive everyone back to their hotel. I get to sleep around 4. Thursday, January 19th. Day 3 of SHOT show. Wake up at 10AM feeling like crap. Debate whether to head straight to show and wander about. Fuck it. Went to halal guys for some halal. Delicious. Got vegan donuts. Dead drop them at the Palazzo lobby for chug and his girl. Show is a bust. Literally nothing exciting. Fluffy offers to buy me dinner. One of my customers who lives in Summerlin offers to take me to dinner. I pass on fluffy and he destroys the seafood buffet at the rio. I head to Sinatra at the Wynn for dinner with my customer. All good in the hood. Chug has been invited to the Glock dinneafter party and I'm not so we all go our separate ways. I call foghorn5950 and due to some weather, he's flying home early and our plans to hangout are fucked up unless I go tonight. I grab fluffy and we head to Whiskey Down. He orders a makers and I give him a funny look. I tell the waitress make it a bulleit. Everyone laughs. I talk shop with Jeremy also from TTAG and we shoot the shit over cigars and talk about useless products. Next thing we know, chug is out of the dinner and wandering the strip. We decide to meet up at the Linq. It takes us nearly 30 minutes to get out of Whiskey Down at MGM because the waitress was awful and messed up everyone's tab. It was a fucking disaster. To boot, MGM is now charging for parking. FC: What a bunch of fucking jews Fluff: You should just tailgate that lady in front of you out and screw them out of the $7 FC: I should We pull behind her and watch as she gets flustered at the awful parking machine. Her nevada license plate says VETERAN. As the gate goes up we haul ass and screw MGM out of $7. I shout "THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE" out the window as we blow right by her up to the Linq. Through fluffy's awful navigation, we wind up at the loading dock for the Linq. Eventually we find chug and gf hanging at the penny slots. They are holding vegan donuts, which she is very appreciative of. Least I could do after showing her the head. Fluffy plays the House of Cards slot machine. He stuck $100 in, played for 6 minutes and then got really mad and hit the cash out button and $80 was left after 5 minutes. ITS EXACTLY LIKE THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT! Chug's gf asks to play a special slot machine called kitty glitter. We ask and the linq does not offer it but Harrahs next door does. So we head over there and the slot tech finds the kitty glitter machine. Fluffy sticks a C note in there and tells her to play and have a blast. So she's banging away at the one armed bandit WHEN SUDDENLY I HEAR THE SOUND. It's PUTTIN ON THE RITZ in shitty .wav file internal speaker format. Hahah. She's just hit the progressive jackpot on the penny KITTY GLITTER machine. THIS PLACE IS AWESOME! We cash out after some play and a good time was had by all. I dump off fluffy at the rio since it was very close and drive everyone else back. It's late, I'm tired and the Palace Station oyster bar is open 24 hours......I head over there and there's a 45 minute wait. So, I pull out my backup bankroll and using everything chug and fluffy have taught me about craps I belly up to the $3 min table where they let you take 10x behind the line. I'm still learning and the table is slow so one of the boxmen start explaining the game to me. Box: So if you place the 6 or the 9 or individual numbers you can bet those but you gotta pay a little juice on it like a commission Me: Like when you buy the hook? short pause Box: Yeah! Exactly like that! You got this! So I played a little and went up a bit and down a bit. As you do. Plunked $5 down on the pass line and took full odds and the point hit. This game is pretty cool! So I hung around and watched for about an hour and finally decided to eat my winnings. I take $5 off my stack and, drop it on the pass line and announce dealer bet - $5 to pass. It hits. The dealers love me. Maybe Vegas isn't so bad after all. http://imgur.com/a/LGhDj I have the pan roast at the oyster bar. No line. It is DELICIOUS. I get back to the hotel at 5AM. I don't care when I wake up. Friday, January 20th. Day 4 of SHOT show. Wake up around noon feeling like crap. Go to show. Debate destroying milk cart with wheels with an ax borrowed from fire station. Decide against it. Gas up car and find myself out by palace station again. Played some craps, hit the buffet and went for an early sleep. It's midnight. The neighbors in my the hotel are having sex. A LOT OF SEX. I can hear everything. I gently knock on the door. No answer. I knock slightly harder. No answer. I head back to my room and close the door just as I hear their door open. I zoom back out to find a puzzled middle aged stocky and perhaps sticky Latino man looking both ways. I get in his line of sight. Me: Hey. I'm next door. It sounds like you're having a lot of fun. I get it. I really do. In fact I haven't had sex since the bush administration so I'm gunning for you man I really am. But it's midnight and I have a 6am flight and a rental car to return. So trust me when I say I'm really happy for you but if you don't mind I really need to get some sleep tonight okay? The awkward silence is deafening. He nods without saying a word and mouths okay. I give him a manly nod and thumbs up. Me: thanks. I'd shake your hand or fist bump but well you know..... I give him a peace sign as he goes back into his little pleasure palace and I turn to realize that I have just locked myself out of my room. I am wearing boxers, a tshirt and barefoot. I head downstairs to the lobby. The check in at the front desk resembles the TSA line at Mccarran. Normally I would not be this rude but desperate times call for desperate measures. The line is 50 people deep. I walk past every person. Fuck your queue. I approach the desk where someone is helping a guest and I raise my right hand as if I were in a deposition to get them to stop. The staff and guest looks puzzled as the angry barefoot man clad in nothing but boxers and a "uzi does it" tshirt approaches the desk. Me: excuse me. I don't mean to interrupt. I have an emergency. I'm up on 8 and my neighbors are having a lot of sex. I mean a LOT of sex. (This is the same front desk clerk who actually checked me in Monday night by coincidence looks back at me very awkwardly and puzzled.) Me: this isn't your regular sex. I'm talking this is your (I begin air humping the front desk and slapping the granite counter with my palm and grunting loudly) sex. You could hear the plan B packaging open. At this point - the ENTIRE FRONT DESK STAFF HAS STOPPED CHECKING IN GUESTS. The people in line and are watching the show. The clerk is stunned. Speechless. Shock and awed. Crapped out and busted. The women are covering their children's eyes and ears. The men are wondering if this show requires a 2 drink minimum. Me: now I get this is Vegas. Everyone wants a good time. It's midnight. My flight leaves at 6 which means I have to be up by 4. And this just isn't working. So I asked them to keep it down and I locked myself out of my room. So if you can make me another key or move me I'd appreciate it. The clerk nods. Clerk: of course. may I see your ID? Years of ballet have prepared me for this day. I step back to make sure my genitals are still ensconced in my boxers as I pirouette and gesticulate wildly. Me: DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE ID? The floor manager steps over and asks me to head down to the end of the desk where she will make me a key. I give her the room number and thank her after she offers to have security sent up to shutdown the best little whorehouse in Vegas. I tell her it may not be necessary. As I take my keys and walk away the people in line break out in raucous applause. I take a bow and miraculously my boxer shorts don't rip. These people are my subjects and I have been crowned the the king of the three ring circus that is the circus circus lobby. Im offered a $1 tip from a kind soul but I decline. My walk back to the hotel elevator bank is uneventful. So much so that I realize it is going too well. The other shoe, if I were wearing one felt as if it was about to drop. Suddenly a dumbass in a rascal scooter is heading toward me at flank speed as his head is turned to look at everyone BEHIND HIM. There's no way this will end well. For you gentle readers joining us mid conversation - it's midnight and I need to be at the airport in 4.5 hours. I can just see it now. (Cue the harp noises) Scene: Emergency room Nurse: Allergic to anything? Me: NKDA Nurse: cause of injury? Me: what's the IC10 code for "run down by drunken buffoon on motorized wheelchair?" I saw my life and confirmed upgraded first class seats home being given away by the Mccarran gate agent flash before my eyes and my catlike reflexes kicked in and I jumped to my left into the wall, mid 1960's Las Vegas union construction being the path of least resistance. Think "The Bodyguard" with Kevin Costner. The buffoon barely realizes what happens. Children are amazed. "HEY MOM! Look! That guy just ran into a wall!" Me: it was that OR GET RUN DOWN BY SOME JACKASS ON A GODDAMN SCOOTER GOING FULL SPEED DRIVING LIKE A.... I look down and a midwestern nuclear family with two children of formative age are waiting for the elevator. I change my last word. Me: LUNATIC! I look over to the parents. Me: I'm really sorry. This is a family joint and I shouldn't have cursed the drunken scooter driver like that. Sorry kids. Parent: no big deal. They've heard fucking worse. I crack a smile at her word choice. Fucking worse. Yeah. That sounds like my evening. After jumping into a wall, I'm now wide awake and unable to go back to sleep. I make the plane and push on time. The 737 comes to a stop short of the runway and holds. Something is wrong. The pilots come on and say that they loaded more cargo and passengers than planned so they have to redo their numbers. We're waiting on the taxiway with both engines running as they do this and the waiting music comes on. What's the first song? Whitney Houston - "I Will Always Love You"
I just need a place to vent, and, hopefully get some suggestions as to how to cope in all this. I am writing out the whole story for context and for my own therapy lol. It's long. Think of it as a soap opera/drama/reality show. My husband and I got married last June, and have been together for 2 1/2 years. He has a daughter that recently turned 15. My husband and I are both in our early 30's which means he was only 16 when his daughter was born. (Life lesson: Condoms aren't 100%) Let's rewind 15 years. It's fall of 2000, and my husband is 16 and in high school. He had recently broken up with his girlfriend of one year because she cheated on him. A couple months later she informed him she was pregnant. Young, terrified and not sure what to believe, my husband told his parents. Understandably upset, they waited for the baby to be born for a DNA test. His ex never even told my husband when she had the baby. He found out 3 weeks later from one of her friends at school. He snuck out of his parents house to go see the child. He knew the instant he saw her, he was a daddy. My husband spent every moment he could with his daughter, splitting the time with his ex as best they could. His ex dropped out of school. His mom offered to get her into a career training program- an offer his ex refused. She was living with her abusive addict parents and 2 brothers (one older, and one only 3 years older than her daughter) at the time, when one day, when my step daughter was 3 she came to visit her dad and told him something a little concerning. Her uncle only 3 years older had touched her. Kids are curious, he reasoned, but he knew he had to let his ex know what happened even though it didn't seem to be a huge deal. His ex FLIPPED OUT. She started screaming about her father and how she had told him if he ever touched her kid she would kill him. Alarmed, my husband realized that his ex had probably been abused herself as a child. He immediately filed for custody of his daughter and won. Now he was a 20 year old full time college student, and full time dad of a 3 year old. My in-laws helped A LOT. My husband lived at home until he was 28 to pay off his student loans, raise his daughter, and save for a house. His parents spoiled their granddaughter. He played endless games of princess and mermaid. She was showered with every stuffed animal that ever met her glance. Her mom's house was different. Her mom had gotten married to the father of her second child, a nice man, and a man who at one point had also tried to get custody from her as well before he got sick. Their house was full of arguments and her grandparents were (and still to this day are) full of drugs and alcohol. The courts ordered she was not allowed to ever be left alone with her grandfather. As she got older, her dad gave her a cell phone to use in case she ever needed anything while at her moms. Her mom would hide the phone on the top of the fridge all weekend and leave both girls- younger than 10- home alone to take care of themselves while both she and her husband worked. My step daughter both longed for a relationship with her mom, and loathed her mom at the same time. Every weekend was stress. Watching her mom and step-dad fight, hearing her little sister get yelled at and seeing her mom throw things at her like dishes and baking sheets. Seeing her mom punch through a window (one of the few intact in the house. Half of them are boarded up) while yelling at the dog they keep chained outside all day every day while the other two dogs are kept inside while they are gone and poop and pee all over the house (including my step-daughters bed). Her worlds were polar opposites. She tried to avoid going to her moms whenever she could. She learned how to be strong and stand up for herself. She learned to tell her mom "no" in her own voice when she didn't like the way she was treated. She learned to fend for herself. It finally happened. Her dad bought a house! He let her paint her new room a bright blue. It was just the two of them for a few months until they got a puppy, and daddy started dating. He had a couple short term relationships here and there, and then we met. He texted his best friend after our first date and said "I met the girl I am going to marry." Being that I was in my early 30's and he in his late 20's, our relationship went quickly. We both knew what we wanted. My step daughter was at first overjoyed. She took me aside at New Years and told me she wanted me to be her mom. She was 12 at the time, and had only known me one month. Then she started to change. She stayed in her room all the time and grew distant. Her dad begged me to be her best friend, and no matter what I tried she still pushed both of us away. She was angry when her dad told her he was going to propose, and even angrier when he actually did it, although it quickly went away when I asked her to be a bridesmaid. A year and a half ago, my step daughter started a relationship with a boy who was a close friend. At first we supported it in an "aw-look-they-think-theyre-dating" kind of way. Then we noticed a change in her. We learned that on the weekends her mom had been letting the boy come over and be alone in her room together. That was a no-go for us, and we told her mom so. She didn't think it was a big deal (NOTE: my step daughter NEVER wants friends over to her moms because the house is so gross. ALSO, her mom would never let her have friends over on the weekends because it was her time with her daughter, but when the opportunity arose to be the "cool parent" and let her have her bf over, that all changed). A couple more weeks went by and we were getting suspicious. My husband decided he needed to know what was going on and read his daughters texts, and HOL-Y SHIT. I am a 33 year old woman who online dated for a few years. I have NEVER EVER been spoken to the way this boy spoke to my step daughter. "When are we gonna bang?" "I'll make your lips white" "Your tits look huge"- that one was said after she sent him a picture of her and her sister. We also discovered that he was touching her under a blanket while they sat on the couch in her mom's living room watching a movie with her mom present, and her sister sitting on the other side of her. We instantly made her cut it off with him. She was upset and very mad at her dad. Too bad I say. Sure enough, 8 or so months later - November 2015, my step daughter is at a counseling session (something we have had her be in for a couple years now) and makes her dad come in to confess to him she and the boy are dating again. He tells her he can't control her but that he strongly disagrees and does not approve of the relationship. December 23 they both have a half day of school walk to our house after school and have sex. My husband finds the evidence in her trash can after she was acting super weird all day. She lied through her teeth about it all the way up until the proof was put in her face. We took away her phone, changed the code on the garage, changed her bus route to get off the bus at her fathers parents house, and made her leave her door open when she was home. She was furious with us, and us with her. After everything her father had done for her, she goes and pulls a stunt like this and has the audacity to be mad at US? I was furious for over a month and couldn't even look her in the eye. PS: She both her and the boy were only 14. February 2016- winter break. Step daughter goes to spend the week with her mom. My husband takes her out to dinner in the middle of the week and says it was so awkward it was like having dinner with an ex. The next day it happened. He got a "text message break-up" from his daughter via her mom's phone. She said it was "too stressful" to live with us. Too stressful? TOO STRESSFUL?! I'm sorry, what was the stressful part? Was it the part where we still gave you all your Christmas presents (brand new laptop included) 2 days after you lied to our faces, and even lied to your counselor? Was it all the times your dad talked to you and told you he loved you no matter what? RAWR! My husband was devastated. No matter what he had done for her, she rejected him from her own guilt. Rather than push her farther away and pay to get lawyers involved to force the custody agreement, he decided to let her stay with her mom during the week and visit us on the weekends. Her mom was at first just as pissed as we were about the whole thing, but scolded us and said "I was the one that wanted her on the pill". Oh, parent of the year over here. If only I had known that the key to raising a healthy happy child who will be a contributing member of society was birth control. Silly me. Now his ex starts hounding us for money. She wants her child support payments (a whopping $30/week) back and then some. The problem is, when she is texting us a rant about not being able to afford a semi-formal dress (which we had told her she can't go anyway as part of her punishment) and a hair cut for her daughter, she is drunk AT THE CASINO. I wish I was making this shit up, but I am not my friends. Yeah, like we're just gonna start handing her cash when she spends her free time gambling. No. My husband says he will give her half of whatever his daughter NEEDS. She doesn't need a dress for semi-formal. She's not even supposed to be going! This woman is a nightmare. Yesterday- May 23 2016 My husband got sucked in to his ex's angry texts. He usually ignores her but yesterday he let her pull him in. She informed him that my step daughter and the boy (yes, THE SAME FUCKING BOY) are dating again and they're going to be at her house before the semi-formal for pictures as well as nagged him for money. Now this is the part where I lose my shit. WHAT THE HELL?!!?! How could her mom be such an idiot? And how could she be such an idiot too?? What is it about this sleazy little boy she can't let go of? And how could she treat her father so terribly after all he has gone through to give her the best life possible? I hate her. There. I said it. I hate her I hate her I hate her. She is supposed to come over for dinner tonight (which I'm sure she will make up some ridiculous excuse not to, like usual. My favorite was "My friends mom got bit by a dog and they think she has rabies so I have to leave"). I don't want her in my house ever again. It hurts my marriage too. I keep as much of my loathing inside as I can, but my husband knows I can't stand his daughter which makes him mad at me, and he's just a mopey ball of depression most of the time. I don't know what to do! How do you love a punk-ass teenager that treats the person you love like absolute shit for no reason other than she wants to? How do I let her be in my house? How do I keep myself from exploding at her? WHAT DO I DO? HOW DO I HANDLE THIS? It's such a nightmare.
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