Continuing
“Hey, Viv!”, I say, as we’re all being shuttled onto the bus which will take us to our hotel, “Toss me one of those miniatures, if you please. Yeah. Of course, Vodka’ll do. It’s bloody dusty round these parts.”
Viv chuckles and asks if anyone else wants anything. He’s a consummate scrounger and somehow sweet-talked a demure and pulchritudinous female Air China cabin attendant out of her phone number, Email address, and a case of 100 airline liquor miniatures.
That he looks like a marginally graying version of Robert Mitchum in his heyday and speaks fluent Dutch, French, and Italian might explain his success. I mean, a guy with four ex-wives can’t be all wrong, right?
He’s a definite outlier in this crowd. We could be characterized as a batch of aging natural geoscientists who collectively, sans Viv, add up to an approximate eight on the “Looker” scale. Besides the years, the mileage, the climatic, and industrial ravages, it’s a good thing we all have expansive personalities, as most of us are dreadful enough to make a buzzard barf.
But, save for Viv, no one presently here is on the make. Oh, sure; we’ll all sweet talk some fair nubile into a free drink or a double when we really ordered a regular drink, but we’re all married, most terminally, that is, over 35 years and counting. The odd thing is that save and except for Viv, none of us married folk had ever been divorced.
That is strange, considering that the global divorce rate hovers around 50%, and we are often called to be apart from kith and kin for prolonged periods. However, we are always faithful and committed to our marital units and those vows we spoke all those many long decades ago.
But, hey, we’re all seriously male and not anywhere near dead; and there’s no penalty for just looking, right?
Continuing.
We’re all loaded on a pre-war, not certain which war, by the way, bus which stank of fish, kimchee, and diesel fuel. We really don’t care even a tiny, iotic amount. It’s free transport, we’re tired of traveling, and not keen on walking any further than we absolutely have to.
Viv has been passing out boozy little liquor miniatures, and I’ve been handing out cigars since I bought a metric shitload back in Dubai Duty-Free and somehow got them all through customs.
We didn’t light up, as there was neither a driver nor handler present. So, we figured we’d all just wait on the cigars, and concentrate on having a little ground-level “Welcome to Best Korea” party until the powers that be got their collective shit together and provided drivers, herders, and handlers.
We sat there for 15 long minutes. Being the international ambassadors of amity and insobriety, we started making noises like “Hey! Where’s our fucking driver?” and “I am Doctor Academician! Of All State Russian Geological Survey! How dare you make me wait? ”
Suddenly, a couple of characters in ill-fitting gray suits and fake Rays Bans are outside the bus having a collective meltdown. Somehow, someone fucked up and put us on a ‘regular’ bus and not the ‘VIP’ bus. In other words, we got to see what the locals really got to ride around Pyongyang on instead of our supposed to be impressed by the bus that wasn’t there; but was now just arriving.
A spanking new purple-and-chrome Mercedes long-haul bus shows up. It even has our group name emblazoned above the placard that normally tells where the bus is headed or who it is for: “’국제 석유 지질 과학 연합’ [Gugje Seog-yu Jijil Gwahag Yeonhab] or ‘International Union of Petroleum Geological Sciences’”.
We are brusquely ordered off our present bus and into the opulent, obviously bespoke, bright yellow faux-leather interior Mercedes-Benz Tourismo RH M. It’s so new and so obviously a ploy to get us to think that all things here are so new and opulent, it even smells of that new car, ah, bus, aroma.
“Well, we’ll take care of that soon enough”, I muse, as the bus is equipped with ashtrays and we’re going on the scenic route to our hotel, which is only 25 or so kilometers from the airport. However, it was announced that it’ll take us about 2 hours to get to our hotel since we need to see the city in its best light and get a feeling for the town if we should ever find ourselves lost and alone.
We all know what’s going on. They’re getting our rooms ‘ready’ for our arrival and need some extra time to make sure everything’s all wired in and transmitting properly.
“Guys”, I muse to our new handlers, “I’ve been to the Soviet Union, pre-wall fall. I stayed in places where I was definitely among the first westerners ever to grace their porticos. We’re a busload of natural scientists, of eight different nationalities, covering the economic spectrum from staunch capitalism to sociable socialism to hard-core communism. You even think for a second we’re going to spill any beans about anything you’d find interesting or useful? Think again.”
In fact, it would become a running joke between us all to see what sort of fake bombshells we could drop into the normal conversation what would give the listener’s the greatest case of the jibblies.
But for now, our bags were all loaded into the cargo compartment of this very, very nice, I must admit, mode of conveyance. Our handlers: ‘Yuk’, ‘No’, ‘Man’, and ‘Kong’, are all seated upfront and please with their latest tally of bodies. We have a couple of shady fellow travelers with the knock-off Ray-Bans and shiny gray suits that just appeared out of the woodwork in the back, seated by the loo, watching over all of us, and we’re going on a fucking city tour, whether we like it or not.
We’re all present and accounted for. Let’s keep our camera in our bags for the time being as the drinking and smoking lights had just been lit as the bus fired up its new German-engineered and machined precision diesel engine.
The bus rumbled to life and after a moment or two of checking that all dials, gauges, and indicators were where they were supposed to be; without so much as a cursory glance, we pulled out into traffic.
Except there was none.
Not another bus, pushbike, tap-tap, scooter, car, truck, hover-board, or motorcycle in sight.
Nothing.
Seems we were a big deal. They shut down the main drag so we wouldn’t be encumbered by such proletariat things like traffic jams or people-things cluttering the roadway, clambering for a look at the Western scientific cadre.
So, away we whizzed, sans traffic and into the very belly of the beast, and onward; eventually, towards our hotel.
Our handlers were very kind to point out passing scenes of interest.
“Look, look! There’s the Potong River. Notice all the lovely birds, ‘eh what? See the Norwegian Blue? Beautiful plumage!”
“See here, look. Here’s the Taedong River. Many forms of fish in the river. Maybe we’ll see some fishermen. If you like, we can stop, and ask them about today’s catch.”
We all declined, as we were certain that the fish the ‘random fisherman’ we’d talk to was flown in fresh from elsewhere earlier in the day.
Besides, we were comfortable. We had our drinks, our cigars, and we were leaving the driving to someone else.
After being driven around the city and seeing all the wonderful monuments, like the faux Arch of Triumph, which looks exactly unlike its namesake Arc de Triomphe de l'Étoile in Paris.
The Arch of Reunification, a monument to the goal of a reunified Korea, which, by necessity, is unfinished. Then there’s the Tomb of King Tongmyŏng, where people are lining up, just dying’ to get in.
Finally, we all called for our hotel, the Yanggakdo, after yet another mausoleum, the Kumsusan Memorial Palace of the Sun.
Arches or tombs. Such a stunning array of monuments and places of less than moderate interest.
We were interested in Mirae Scientists street (Future Scientists street). It is a street in a newly developed area in Pyongyang to house scientific institutions of the Kim Chaek University of Technology and its employees. But we were told that it was too late, there was not much there to see, we needed to express written permission to visit, and we’d be going there tomorrow or next week.
We wheel into the parking lot of the Yanggakdo Hotel and are immediately unimpressed by the pseudo-Baroque concrete fiasco that appears to stand, wobbly, before us. It’s a page right out of the Soviet Construction-For-The-Masses Handbook. A cold, gray concrete edifice with multitudes of seemingly little, tiny windows. A perfect metaphor for our travels thus far; look at the expansiveness of Best Korean wonders, through this pinhole.
However, we judged too soon. We were told to go inside and check-in, whilst our luggage would be de-bussed for us and handled by the expertly efficient hotel staff. The lobby was opulent, tastefully laid out in earth tones of facades of veneers of marble, granite, some garnet-mica schist, if my hand lens doesn’t lie, some Prepaleozoic anatectic migmatite, displaying intricate and intense plication, xenoliths, and graphic delineation of minerals by segregation through melting points. There was a gigantic well-appointed and well kept up aquarium, complete with snuffling sharks and nuclear-submarine sized groupers.
Very handsome indeed. Impressions increasing slightly.
Then we see that there’s a bloody casino on the bottom floor of the hotel, several bars interspersed throughout the hotel, and karaoke, of which I’m not terribly fond, but some of my European counterparts almost swooned at the prospect. There are a large pool and weight rooms/gymnasia, saunas and places to relax outside of one’s room, but still under the watchful eye of the thousands of ill-concealed video cameras at every turn.
“Covert surveillance” may be a thing in Best Korea, but it’s a practice still leaves a lot to be desired. The Eastern Siberian Russians back before the wall fell were more covert with their obvious button audio microphones woven into the fabric covering the headboard of your Intourist bed than the Best Koreans here. Their cameras were ‘disguised’ as flower arrangements, overhead lights, and speakers inexplicably placed into things like standing ashtrays, refuse bins, and randomly placed holes in the wall.
The floors were all covered with exquisite what looked to be hand-woven rugs of most vibrant crimson and gold; the usual Communistic colors. Always with some sort of floral pattern or pattern that’s supposed to be reflective of nature, as I was told. Evidently, for workers to remember what nature was as they don’t get out much with 14 to 16 hours workdays here in the Worker’s Paradise.
Enough of the travelogue; we all wander up to the front desk, and each with their own passport in hand, request our reserved rooms. We supposed that we would all have rooms on different floors as the reservations were made, expired, re-made, juggled, rebooked, allowed to expire, re-jiggered, and finally formalized a scant week before we left the UK.
Nope. No such luck. We were all on the 39th floor. The place boasts 47 floors, of which, the top floor is a revolving restaurant. Evidently, food tastes better when you’re rotating.
However, it won’t spin unless you first buy a drink.
We had that thing whirling like a NASA centrifuge after its discovery the second night.
Yeah, all 12 of us are bivouacked on the 39th floor. A floor with approximately 30 rooms.
I guess we could have played “Room Roulette” and see who got which room and who’s luggage. Or we could switch every day or two to drive our handlers nuts. Or, we could just take our assigned rooms, which were conveniently located one empty room apart.
Meaning, no one had adjoining rooms. Why? Fuck if I know. We didn’t spend much time in our rooms, and that time was either sleeping or showering. We’d all meet at the bar, casino, restaurant, karaoke, bowling alley (all three lanes) or actual meeting rooms every once in a while when we thought we should get together and compare notes. It was the most inexplicable situation.
Plus, we spent an inordinate amount of time waiting on the fucking elevators to take us to our room. These elevators, and if you think you’re going to get a batch of aging senior scientists to schlep it up 39 floor’s worth of stairs, think again; are the slowest elevators in the civilized world. And that was the consensus of scientists representing not only Europe and North America, but Russia as well. 15-25 minutes added to each journey, up or down; stopping on every floor, except 5, on the way down..
Jesus Q. Fuck, dudes. If you can’t construct a bleedin’ elevator that works better than those at the Sozvezdie Medveditsy Guest House in Lesosibirsk, Eastern Siberia; then I suggest you seriously rethink your plans for world domination and new world order.
Grako and Erwin once, while waiting for the fucking elevator, figured out that we were earning some US$25 each just to wait for the lift to arrive and take us to our rooms. Every day. Sometimes several times per day.
With that, we all agreed to toss our “waiting time” funds into a kitty and on our last day of captivity here, blow it all in the hotel casino. Whatever became of that would be donated to the Koreans we thought most deserving of our largesse.
Would it be our handlers? How about the Korean Scientists we’d be meeting? The affable and most accommodating concierge? Or that plucky little Korean charwoman who was always on our floor and kept everything spotless, right down to our freshly laundered and pressed field clothes and newly polished field boots; done without our requesting or knowledge?
Only time would tell.
It could be a fortune or it could be bupkiss. Just like our expectations of the Heavenly Kingdom where we were currently sequestered.
As it was, with our official protestations, they kept only photocopies of our passports as we roundly refused and threatened a full-scale karaoke battle right here in the lobby if they didn’t relinquish our passports immediately. I had broken out my nastiest cigar and was primed to offend.
With that, we all had our keys and trooped over to the elevators for our first, of many, inexplicable waits. We made many uncharitable and potentially nasty remarks about the Anti-Western posters that made up some of the wall décor. Once we finally made it to our floor, we all fanned out to find our rooms. Viv found his first and was quite pleased to report to the rest of us that there was a “Welcome” basket in his room.
We all hoped that we would be receiving one a well.
I was in room 3914; which I considered a close call, but later only wondered as there was no 3913. Upon entering, I saw it was 1980s Hotel 6 opulent, but with an excellent over-city view. True it was late, dark, and the city was only somewhat lit up; I was looking forward to the view of the town in full daylight.
The room had a ‘king’ bed; that is if the king in question was Tutankhamen, the stubby, Egyptian boy king. The bed had no mattress pad and no box spring but it was hard enough for my liking. Many of my compatriots didn’t agree and complained bitterly. They eventually received thin mattress pads for all their kvetching.
There was an ancient Japanese color television, which only had 2 English language channels - Al Jazeera and the BBC, which was on a dated news loop. Watching the local channel is amusing though; the ads for ‘personal enhancements’ were hilarious, even without understanding a word of the language.
There were a couple of chairs and a low table, built-in dresser drawers for our clothes, a rusty and probably unusable room safe with corroded batteries, a small table built out of the wall that would serve as my travel office, and would-you-believe, a rotary telephone; how’s that for nostalgia?
There was an old-model radio built into the nightstand next to the bed. I was very surprised to find it not only received AM, FM but shortwave as well. I had brought along a pair of Bose headphones and during some rainy down days, spent many fun-filled, and I mean that sincerely, hours DXing from the comfort of my ‘enormous’ king bed.
Beyond that, the room was very nondescript. Like any other of the millions of rooms in hotels around the world that unlike here, aren’t claiming a 5-star rating. I mean, it was clean, if not a little long in the tooth. But didn’t smell too terrible, even after I took care of that with my Camacho offerings. It was utilitarian, everything worked, even the water pressure, which surprisingly could strip off layers of one’s skin if you weren’t careful.
The bathroom, though no Jacuzzi, had a large enough bathtub for the occasional soaking period. Western accouterments in the bathroom were also welcome additions. My knees can’t handle the traditional squat-holes any longer.
There were an electric teapot and several brands of tea, but no coffee. A quick “Gee! I sure wish I had some coffee!” to the four walls and damned if 30 minutes later, a porter didn’t arrive to replenish my tea and courtesy in-room coffee…
There was a small Japanese brand in-room refrigerator which I thought might house a mini-bar. Oh, no! It was actually a complimentary larder stocked with all sorts of Best Korean goodies. Multiple cans of Taedonggang beer. Several bottles of Pyongyang Soju, in various flavors ranging anywhere from 16.8 to 53 percent alcohol by volume. My fridge was skewed towards the right-hand side of the bell curve; the more heavy-duty boozy side.
Evidently, my reputation had preceded me again.
There was a selection of German-style wheat beers from the Taedonggang Brewery and the more familiar ales, steam beers, and lagers. There were some imported beers like Heineken, Bavaria, Pils, a couple of Japanese brands: Asahi and Kirin, and something called ‘Hello Beer’ from Singapore.
There were also ‘sampler’ bottles of Apricot Pit wine, and a couple of high-alcohol fruity liquors made from constituents such as apple or pear, and mushrooms. There were also special medicinal liquors like ‘Rason’s Seal Penis Liquor’.
That is going home with me unopened.
There were a couple of bottles of local sake, called Chonju. Finally, there was a couple ‘samplers’ of homemade alcohol known as Makkoli. Plus there was something called ‘Corn Grotto’, which for the life of me, looks and tastes much like a very passable Kentucky Sippin’ Bourbon.
I put our concierge on instant danger money the very next day. He’s yet to source me more than a fifth of the stuff so far.
I found that there is a popular drink here which mirrors the Yorsch of Mother Russia. Beer and soju can be mixed to create *somaek’; a foamy, frothy, funky drink of many flavors, depending on the soju chosen.
Is ethnoimbibology at thing? The science of how different cultures drink and the effects of drinking culture on different societies. If not, now I have another Ph.D. to pursue after I endow a chair at some likely Asian university.
Anyways, in everyone’s room was a “welcome” basket, just chock full of Best Korean goodies. Postcards, stamps, ads for coin sets, stamp proofs and other goodies that could be purchased at the hotel. There was a field notebook, which I thought was a very nice addition, newspapers, cookies, crackers, biscuits, candies, fruit drinks, and some fresh fruit; although tamarind chewies and durian chips aren’t on my list of personal favorites.
There were a couple of tour books, just chock full of staged photos. These were very nice as well, as so far, we haven’t had much time for shopping outside of government stores or smaller family-run shops in town or out in the boonies.
A few of us were hungry and decided to see what the hotel had to offer room service-wise.
Bupkiss.
But, they did have a selection of restaurants. There is a Chinese restaurant, a European restaurant, and a Korean restaurant on site but they all serve the same food...a Best Korean attempt at western food. And it was weird being the only ones in the restaurant even though it was fully staffed.
We grazed lightly and decided to do some late-night perambulations around our hotel. Our handlers admonished us to stay within the confines of the hotel, or see them if it was absolutely necessary to go walkabout. In the hotel, we were on our own.
We found that there were tunnels in the hotel’s basement. The basement tunnels were a real bonus. There’s a bar with pool tables, a karaoke room, bowling, and a massage parlor, where I was beaten and pummeled into submission by tiny, diminutive, little Korean lassies fully 1/5th my size.
It was wonderful.
There was a hairdresser’s, who were completely befuddled by my shoulder-length silver-gray locks and full gray Grizzly Adams beard. They did provide a lovely shampoo/cranial massage though for the equivalent of US$2.
There were a couple of shops selling Chinese goods rather than local stuff, which was sort of disappointing, a cold noodle bar, and another casino. No shops selling Korean Communist propaganda posters, as I wanted to augment my Soviet-era collection. Perhaps I’ll find something in-country later on.
We were shocked to find that the casino had WiFi that was uncensored and we were able to access; after a fee of liquor miniatures and a cigar or two. We were supposed to have access to the global internet, not local intranet, from the universities that we would be visiting. However, all of that was under the heavily squinting eyes of handlers and guys in shiny suits wearing fake Ray-Bans.
I still had my secret satellite internet lash-up available, but that was iffy, a pain in the ass to set up, and ridiculously expensive. However, it did work on the 39th floor and the times I used it instead of wandering down to the tunnels, no one appeared to be the wiser. Thus far.
So typically, we’d just head to the basement casino with our laptops, iPads, and phones. Bam! Robert’s your Sister’s Husband, we could connect more-or-less free with the outside world; hence how you are reading this now.
Herro! “Yes, I’d sure like another beer. This time a porter, if you please.”
The more they overthink the plumbing, the easier it is to stop up the drain. Or the more they put into locks, the easier they are to pick.
Besides, we were told we’d have access to unfettered and free internet. OK, so we just found it for ourselves. Whaddya expect? We’re scientists, motherfucker, back off.
Ahem.
Back to reality.
The breakfast buffet the next morning had a wide choice of Asian and Western food, although the choices seemed to be the same every day. The main event was to beat the Chinese tourists to the egg station every morning. Breakfast always included fried eggs, a limited selection of pork, kippered fish, potatoes, rice, fruit, and a very Titanium-dioxide-white white bread
After a while, I took to going to the small market behind the lobby, buying some imported Chinese or Japanese nibbly bits and heading to the tunnels for a few breakfast beers before the long hard day’s work. It took almost a week, but I gained the trust of some of the workers in the tunnels and they showed me the on-site microbrewery at the hotel. It produced very passable, and very, very cheap beers of several varieties.
Liquid bread. Beer. Is there nothing it can’t do?
After breakfast our first day at the hotel, we were told to meet in the Conference Room “Il-sung” as we were going to have a ‘Welcome foreign imperialist scientists’ introduction and indoctrination.
Besides our handlers and the shiny-suit squad, there were several Korean folks we didn’t recognize. These were students, scientists, and scholars from the Kim Chaek University of Technology, Kim Il-sung University, the Pyongyang University of Science and Technology; all hailing from Pyongyang, and the University of Geology from North Hwanghae Province.
“Oh, marvelous”, Erlen remarked, “It’s going to be a bloody Chautauqua. We’ll be here all day.”
“Well”, I replied, “It could be worse. We could be on a bus headed off on another unscheduled road trip.”
As we found our seats, our Korean counterparts were busily setting up portable screens, like the ones your grandfather had for showing his 2.1 Googleplex worth of travel slides every Christmas or Thanksgiving get-together. They had a couple of ancient Chinese brand laptops that could have doubled for body armor, they were so thick and heavy.
While they fiddled with running cords for the overhead projectors and 16mm film projector; yes, it was going to be movie time as well, the hotel’s restaurant folks wheeled in carts laden with scones, cupcakes, and other sweet sorts of bakery. Another cart was wheeled in with pump-pots of hot water, tea, and coffee. Usual scientific meeting fare.
There was one final cart that made the day bearable. It held a pony keg of hotel micro-brewed beer on ice, with several dozen frosty mugs available for all who wanted to partake.
There were instantly 12 mugs that were spoken for.
I grabbed a cold beer and wandered around the conference room, sipping beer, chewing on an unlit cigar, and just trying to be pleasant to our hosts and their scientific guests. I was surprised when one North Korean professor, who spoke amazingly British-tinged English, offered me a light for my cigar.
“Is smoking allowed here?” I asked.
“Allowed?” he laughed heartily, “My good man, it’s practically a prerequisite.”
“Here then”, I said, offering him a nice, unctuous Camacho, “Try one of mine.”
Dr. P'ung Kwang-Seon of the North Korean University of Geology became my instant and lifelong friend at that moment.
We had a very nice chat, much to the chagrin of the gray suit cadre, who could hear what we were talking about, but probably didn’t understand anything beyond every 8th word.
After a while, we were asked to take our seats, after refreshing our drinks, and introduced to the group of Korean geoscientists we’d be interacting with during our stay here in Best Korea.
I tried to record every name, but between the students, other scholars, and professors from the various universities, I decided I’d ask for a list of participants once the day had worn on. After all, they had all our names, references, and resumes if the thick folio they kept referring to was any indication.
There were a couple of hours of introductions, as every one of the Korean geoscientists there introduced themselves, mostly through translators, told of their personal area of specialty, and their latest work.
Most were what would be considered geoscientists, but oddly enough, not one that you would consider a petroleum geoscientist, however tangentially.
There were geomorphologists, structural geologists, petrologists, mineralogists, marine geologists, engineering geologists, and seismologists. However, there were no stratigraphers, sedimentologists, paleontologists, or geochemists. We were all geoscientists, but apart from the obvious Korean:English disparity, it was as if we spoke different scientific languages as well.
That would be our first hurdle to overcome.
They had no oil industry here; none whatsoever, therefore why one would bother with the geosciences that fed directly into petroleum? That, in and of itself, would make it difficult to explore for oil in the country. Couple that with the fact that they’re so insular, think their version of ‘science’ is the best, at least that’s the official line, and think all other’s ‘science’ is capitalistic, substandard, and inferior doesn’t bode well for your country discovering anything either oily or gassy.
We were having another conclave around the beer keg, ack, err…a ‘coffee break’ and I mentioned this fact to my scientific colleagues.
“Guys”, I need input here, “We’re going to get precisely nowhere if they won’t even acknowledge that they have major problems from the start.”
Ivan replies, “Very true. I’ve seen this before back home. You get a group so entrenched in their own little corner of science, they can’t even accept or acknowledge that others exist. Not only exist but actually know more about a certain problem than do you.”
Dax joins the fray, “Sure, that’s very true, but who’s going to tell them this unfortunate fact? They could take that as a personal, national, and global insult. Imagine you’re at an international conference and a bunch of foreigners walk in just to tell you you’ve been doing it all wrong for the last 75 years.”
I add, “Remember, though. These characters are scientists as well. I think it’ll be a good measure of seeing what sort of science and scientist we’re dealing with here. If they are truly researchers, they’ll listen to and evaluate what we say as for veracity and accuracy. If they’re just a bunch of Commie goons; no offense, Comrade Academician Ivan, they’ll get all pissed off, kick us out, and we get to go home and enjoy our triple Force Majeure pay.”
Ivan walks over and deliberately steps on the toes of my newly polished field boots.
“In Soviet Russia, field boots walk on YOU.” He laughs in his heavily inflected, and scary, Soviet-era speech…
“Yes, I agree”, Joon adds, “But who is going to address this issue with our hosts? Perhaps one of our Russian comrades, as they are, or were, more politically aligned with our Korean friends and perhaps best understand the issue?”
Ack speaks up, grinning maniacally, “No, I disagree. We should have the one person here who so encapsulates the ideologies and political leanings that they love to hate here so much. You know; the quiet, diminutive, and soft-spoken North American…”
Dax recoils, “Oh, no! I’m not going out in front of this mob of ornery Orientals…”
I smile wanly and tell Dax to cool out.
“Relax, Dax. They’re talking about me.”
“Oh, yes”, a collective group of voices replies, “Yes. Let out fearless Team Leader break the bad news to our Eastern Colleagues. That way we can gauge their reactions to being bounced around scientifically by a member of the Evil Capitalist Cartel.”
“OK”, I reply, “I’ll do it. But be forewarned, my fine feathered fiends. I get stuck on a topic that’s not precisely my bailiwick, I’m going to throw your ass to the wolves. Remember, we’re all in this together.”
Whoops, and catcalls were reduced to mumbles and ‘Aw, fucks.’.
Chautauqua resumption was called and I asked for the floor.
It was a bit off the agenda, but since they’ve been chewing the air for the last several hours, they understood it would be appropriate for us to at least try and get a word in edgewise.
I downed my beer, and grabbed a fresh one as what I was going to say was going to be harsh, cut-and-dried, and rather pointed. But delivered in a pleasant manner.
I hoped.
This all had to be filtered through a series of translators, one for general conversational Korean and another for the more technical and scientific transliterations. I realized I was going to be up here for a while. So, I brought a cigar.
One way or another, I was going to deliver our pronouncements and hell, I may as well be comfortable while doing it.
.
“Greetings and felicitations, my Eastern Colleagues. Let me first say how nice it is to be here in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea as part of the ….”
I’m going to fast-forward through all the flowery bullshit and introductory happiness; I’ll going to just cut to the guts of the matter.
“…Now, you do know why there has been virtually no oil, gas nor any other hydrocarbon related deposit discovered here in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea?” I asked by way of a rhetorical question.
I sipped my beer and lit my cigar. In for a chon, in for a won.
I let the buzzing subside on the side of our eastern counterparts.
“Because, and please do not take this as insulting or derogatory, but as a statement of irrefutable fact, no one with the proper training nor experience has been looking. You’re historically guilty of applying the science incorrectly and letting dogma and politics guide your search, instead of the scientific method and the facts. Geology, like all natural science, is just as truth based on the facts for a capitalist as it is for a communist. Reality is not influenced by your beliefs, be they scientific or political, secular or spiritual, ‘trusted’ rather than ‘thought’; any more than by your wish that it wouldn’t rain today during a raging thunderstorm.”
Little Boy over Hiroshima was dropped with less effect.
Our Democratic People's Republic of Korea colleagues erupted into a chaotic mixture of stuttering, internecine yelling, accusations, and sputtering.
Calling for decorum, I figured that since I was this far gone, I may as well push the plunger all the way to the bottom.
“Gentlemen, I do not denigrate the science of geology as taught and practiced here in Best Korea.” I actually said that, sort of a slip of the tongue. Continuing, “However, one would not fish for Bluefin tuna from a rowboat in a pond with a fly rod. One does not hunt bear in the city with a slingshot. Just as one doesn’t search for oil and gas with mining engineers, geomorphologists, and seismologists.”
I let that sink in and after the translation, they calmed a bit and wanted to hear the rest of what I had to say. I could sense a couple was less than thrilled with what I had to say, but forging onward…
“One fishes for Bluefin tuna in the deep ocean with huge rods, reels and a specialist boat captained by someone with deep experience in hunting the elusive fish. One hunts bear in the proper environment, the taiga or forest, with the proper tools and guided by one with the education, learnedness, and experience to know how to make the hunt come out successful.”
Hit them with some analogies they can relate to and digest. Now, go for the carotid.
“Just like one does not hunt oil and gas without stratigraphers, sedimentologists, geophysicists, petrophysicists, and other oil and gas experts who have the education, experience, and knowledge to know where to look. Knowing which environment looks most conductive to hide your quarry, if you’ll pardon the pun, and how best to find them, the guys who know how to corral and de-risk them once you find them, and the engineers and technologists who know how to bring them to the surface so they can be utilized.”
They had stopped being irritated and were listening in rapt attention.
“My colleagues and I have spent the last few days going over, in detail the geology of your country. There is nothing we can see that would preclude the development, entrapment, and preservation of economic quantities of oil and gas. Ture, the geology is quite complex as is the structural history of the entire peninsula. That’s one other thing you will have to accept. Geology doesn’t give the tiniest shit about political boundaries. One must look at the big picture, and that doesn’t stop at some man-made borders. Ignore that fact at your peril, because if you continue to view the geology here as not existing across political boundaries, you are preadapting yourself for failure.”
Drs. Ivan, Volna, and Morse make certain that everyone sees the ex-Soviets agreeing with the bushy-bearded, cigar-chomping American capitalist.
“So,” I said, hoping to bring this little spit-balling session to a fortuitous close, “If we can have an agreement; scientific agreement, on these points, then I am certain we can find a way forward with not only this discussion but the program we can devise for the best Korean (notice phase shift?) geologists to take the project forward both scientifically soundly and economically successful.”
My North Korean counterpart gets up from his seat in the conference room, goes to the keg, taps a couple of beers and walks up to the podium where I was standing.
“Thank you, Dr. Rocknocker, for saying what needed to be said”, he spoke in perfect English as he handed me a beer.
I grinned and gratefully accepted the beer.
“Why, Dr. Chang Kwang-Su”, I said, as that was his name, “You old fraud. You do speak English; and very well, I must add.”
“Yes, almost all of us do”, he relayed, “But, as you said, we are most reserved. We were more or less under orders of the ‘most illustrious’, to play coy, and act as if we spoke no English.”
“I see.” I said, “I’ve worked in several FSU countries as well as Russia and saw that there as well. I guess old habits die hard.”
“That they do, Doctor.”, he replied, “But, we must now tell you the truth. We knew exactly what you said is true, and we agree. We are not as totally insulated from the outside world as some suspect.”
“Well, I was going on what your superiors related to us. Like the police that had all their toilets stolen, I had nothing else to go on.” I replied.
“Ah, ha! Quite!”, he chuckled, “We had long suspected that we were lacking in certain areas of scholarship. What you said cements that fact as it was an independent conclusion. We can now present that to our superiors with the caveat that unless we bolster work and training in these areas, the hunt of hydrocarbon resources here will be for naught.”
“I am relieved”, I said, truthfully. “I was slightly concerned that some might take umbrage to being told their science is not up to specifications. I tried to be the bearer of that bad news but deliver it gently. Here, I find you need that to use that as a truncheon to smack one’s boss upside the head and tell him that an upgrade is required. And fast.”
“Ah, so”, he replies, “We are in total agreement. Now that is out of the way, we would appreciate it if you’d help in designing a course of study for up and coming local geoscientists. Then, we can go forward with a great plan to search for oil and gas here in…Korea. Correct?”
“Absolutely”, I remarked, “You’ve got over 400 man-years of science and exploration expertise here in this room alone. Let’s shoot for the moon, so to speak. Let’s get you up to speed on scientific journals and articles that are available out there in all of academia and industry. Let’s get you communicating on a global basis. Let’s prove that you can talk science with global scientists and still not have it affect your political or nationalistic aspirations one little bit. Let’s see if we can drag you, figuratively speaking, kicking and screaming, into the 21st century.”
“Doctor”, Dr. Chang remarked, “You are the embodiment of what we were always told what Americans are. Brash, loud, confident, and evil. Except for evil, you are American as we were led to believe.”
“Hey, I take that as a compliment”, I exclaim. “You think that’s bad, I’ve got a bunch of earnest Europeans, raucous Russians, and a couple of cagey Canadians on my side as well. Before we’re finished here, we’ll have you ordering hachee, dining on Caldo Verde, snacking on salmiakki, drinking Russkaya vodka with Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, eating poutine, and rooting for the Packers.”
“Doctor, I don’t know what half of that means, but I hope it comes to pass. It sounds most fascinating.” Dr. Chang chuckles.
The rest of the day was spent with various groups crystallizing and breaking off from the main crowd; then reforming as different groups. This was good, as it showed an interest across not only national borders but across ideologies and scientific specialties.
Most everyone here spoke English with some degree of fluency, so the translators were called in only occasionally.
I made certain they were included in everything that transpired that day. I want everyone to feel ‘part of the team’. How better to show the classlessness of Western science to include everyone in on both sides of every discussion and activity?
To be continued…

I know this took a really long time, hope you guys like it.
If you work for Disney, this is a pitch.
​
Cast
Jack Dylan Grazer as Percy Jackson
Cassidy Nugent as Annabeth Chase
Nick Palatas as Grover Underwood
Liv Tyler as the Nereid
Sylvester Stallone as Gabe Ugliano
Barbra Walters as herself
Vin Diesel as Crusty
Idris Elba as Charon
Andy Serkis as Evil Voice
Hugo Weaving as Hades
Dwayne Johnson as Ares
​
Percy Jackson and the Olympians:
Season one episode five: “And I Thought Airport Security Was Ridiculous” or “Will the Real Lightning Thief Please Stand Up?” screenplay
INT – LAS VEGAS TAXI CAB – EARLY NOON
PERCY, ANNABETH and GROVER get into the back of a taxi cab.
CABBY:
(Bored, uninterested, cigar in mouth)
Where to, kids?
ANNABETH:
(Calm, confident)
Los Angeles, please.
CABBY:
(Raises eyebrow, puffs on cigar)
Dat’s three hundred miles from here, miss. You’ll have to pay upfront.
ANNABETH:
Do you take casino debit cards?
CABBY:
Depends. I’ll have to give it a swipe.
ANNABETH hands the cab driver her LotusCash card, and he looks at it skeptically. He rolls his eyes and swipes it, and the meter begins rattling and the lights on it flash. When an infinity symbol appears on the meter, the cabby’s cigar drops out of his mouth in shock.
CABBY:
(Shocked, excited)
W-where in Los Angeles, your highness?
ANNABETH:
(Sits up a little, smiles)
Santa Monica pier, please. Get us there by evening, and you can keep the change.
The cabby slams down the gas pedal, and several cars honk at him as he flies down the street. As they head through the Mojave desert, PERCY tells ANNABETH and GROVER about the dream he had before they went to the Lotus Hotel and Casino.
PERCY:
… And then the voice in the pit saw me. He showed me my mother… and a black throne carved with faces screaming in agony. And then…
(Gulps)
… The undead soldiers put a red robe and a laurel of thorns on me… and then I became one of them.
GROVER:
Well that got dark fast.
PERCY:
There’s something else. The guy in the cloak, the Lightning Thief, called the voice something… The… “Something” One…
ANNABETH:
(Disappointed, blunt)
Well that’s incredibly unspecific. Was it the Rich One? The Silent One? Those are both nicknames for HADES.
PERCY:
(Unsure)
Maybe…
GROVER:
Well, the throne sounds like the way HADES’S throne is described. Black obsidian carved with faces of damnation.
PERCY:
Yeah but… the throne wasn’t the main part of the dream. And the voice in the pit… I dunno, it just doesn’t feel like the voice of a god. It seemed… older.
ANNABETH’S eye get wide with dread.
PERCY:
(Concerned)
What? What’s wrong?
ANNABETH:
(A bit uneasy)
N-nothing. I was just thinking… no. It has to be HADES. He probably sent the Lightning Thief to steal the MASTER BOLT, and something must’ve went wrong-
PERCY:
Like what?
ANNABETH:
I-
(Reluctant)
-I don’t know. But to steal something as important as the MASTER BOLT, and the fact that ZEUS has his best trackers on the job, a lot of stuff could go wrong. So, the thief could’ve hidden the bolt, or maybe even lost it. Anyway, the thief failed to deliver the BOLT to HADES, that’s what the voice in your dream said, right? The Lightning Thief failed. That explains what the Furies were looking for when they attacked us on the bus. They probably thought we had the BOLT.
PERCY notices a hint of anxiety in ANNABETH’S eyes, and sees that she seems to be shaking a bit.
PERCY:
(Suspicious, confused)
But… if HADES thinks I already have the BOLT, why would I be coming to the UNDERWORLD?
GROVER:
To blackmail him into giving your mom back.
PERCY:
(Surprised)
You know, you have pretty dark thoughts for a goat.
GROVER:
(Blunt)
Thanks.
PERCY:
But… the voice said he was waiting for two items. If the MASTER BOLT’S one, what’s the other?
GROVER shrugs.
PERCY:
(Turns to ANNABETH, knowing look in his eyes)
You know what it is, don’t you? The voice in the pit?
ANNABETH:
(Hesitant, worried)
PERCY, I… let’s not talk about it. It’s probably HADES.
PERCY:
(Thinking)
I just… I just feel like there’s something we’re still missing.
ANNABETH:
(Uneasy)
Well, I guess we’ll find the answer in the UNDERWORLD.
PERCY forlornly looks out the window at the desert scenery whizzing past.
EXT – SANTA MONICA BEACH - SUNSET
The kids head to the edge of the surf.
ANNABETH:
Well? What now?
PERCY stares out over the ocean, and gets a longing look in his eyes. He takes a deep breath, taking in the ocean air, and slowly steps into the water.
ANNABETH:
(Surprised, worried)
PERCY? What are you-
PERCY ignores her, and continues walking into the water.
GROVER:
Dude, do you have any idea how polluted that water is?
ANNABETH:
(Concerned)
PERCY, get out of there. You’ll grow a third-
Once PERCY gets chest deep into the water, he dives under, disappearing from ANNABETH and GROVER’S view.
EXT – UNDER THE PACIFIC OCEAN – SAME TIME
PERCY holds his breath at first, then remembers he can breathe underwater, and lets himself breathe normally.
PERCY:
That’s gonna take some getting used to.
He looks around the water, curious, then notices a mako shark right beside him.
PERCY
(Startled, jumps)
Ah!
PERCY calms down when he realizes the shark is not trying to harm him, and it nuzzles up against him like a dog. PERCY hesitantly touches the shark’s dorsal fin, and it bucks gently, inviting PERCY to hold on tighter. PERCY grabs onto the shark’s fin, and it takes off, blasting through the water like a rocket, pulling PERCY along.
PERCY:
(Surprised)
Whoa, boy!
The shark pulls PERCY deeper and deeper into the ocean.
PERCY:
(Slightly worried)
Where are you taking me?
The shark begins to slow down, and PERCY catches his breath when they come to a huge, gaping, pitch black canyon.
WOMAN’S VOICE: (O.S.)
(Quiet, gentle, far away)
PERSEUS…
PERCY is surprised to hear the voice of the river spirit he spoke to in St. Louis.
WOMAN’S VOICE: (O.S.)
(Gentle)
PERCY JACKSON…
PERCY makes out a light in the darkness of the canyon, and it slowly gets bigger until he sees beautiful woman with black hair, her body glowing gently with white light, wearing a flowing, greenish-white silk dress. She dismounts, smiles, and gives PERCY a small bow. Her giant seahorse and the mako shark begin playfully chasing each other.
WATER SPIRIT:
(Smiling, kind)
You have come far, my hero. Well done.
PERCY awkwardly bows, as she did.
WATER SPIRIT:
(Small laugh)
You are prince, PERCY JACKSON, you need not bow to me.
PERCY:
You’re the spirit I talked to in the Mississippi River, aren’t you?
WATER SPIRIT:
Yes, child. I am a Nereid, a spirit of the sea. It was not easy for me to travel so far up river, but my freshwater cousins, the naiads, were able to help me sustain myself. The naiads honor your father, though they do not serve in his court.
PERCY:
And… you do? Serve in his court, I mean?
NEREID:
Indeed. I must say, it has been many long years since a son of the sea god has been born. My sisters and I have watched over you with great interest.
PERCY:
(Confused, a bit resentful)
If my dad’s so interested in me, why doesn’t he come talk to me in person?
A cold current rises out of the canyon, and almost knocks PERCY off his feet.
NEREID:
(Sad, gentle)
Do not judge the Lord of the Sea too harshly. Your father is incredibly busy; he now stands on the brink of an unwanted war. And apart from that, your father is forbidden from helping you directly. Gods mustn’t show favoritism, you know.
PERCY:
(Surprised, a bit sad)
Even to their own children?
NEREID:
Especially to their own children. However, the gods can work through indirect influences, which is why your father has sent me to give you a warning; and a gift.
The Nereid holds out her hand, and shows PERCY three gleaming white pearls.
NEREID:
You journey to the realm of HADES. Few have returned from that place; Orpheus, who possessed great musical skill, Hercules, who possessed great strength, Houdini, who could escape even the depths of TARTARUS. Have you any of these talents?
PERCY:
(Awkward)
Um… well… no.
NEREID:
(Kind smile)
But you possess something else, PERCY JACKSON. Gifts you have yet to know. The oracles have foretold great and terrible future for you, should you survive to manhood. Your father would not have you die before your time comes. Therefore, he wishes to give you these pearls. When you are in need, smash them at your feet.
PERCY:
(Tentatively takes the pearls)
… What do they do?
NEREID:
That depends on the manner of your need. But remember this; what belongs to the sea will always return to the sea.
PERCY:
(Stares at the pearls with wonder)
You said you also came to give me a warning. What is it?
NEREID:
(Leans forward)
Listen to your heart, or you shall fail. HADES feeds upon doubt and hopelessness. He will try to trick you into mistrusting yourself. Once you enter the Realm of the Dead, he will never willingly let you leave. You must keep strong, and have faith.
The Nereid mounts her giant seahorse, and slowly descends back into the dark canyon.
NEREID:
Good luck, PERCY JACKSON.
PERCY:
(Urgent)
Wait! Back in St. Louis, you told me not to trust “the gifts”. What gifts?
NEREID:
(Voice becoming distant)
Farewell, my young hero. Listen to your heart…
The Nereid disappears into the darkness, leaving PERCY alone with the mako shark. PERCY gives the pearls an empty look, then begins swimming back to the surface.
EXT – SANTA MONICA BEACH – A FEW MINUTES LATER
PERCY shows the pearls to his friends.
ANNABETH:
(Skeptical)
This can’t be good. No gift ever comes for free.
PERCY:
But… she just gave them to me. No strings attached.
ANNABETH:
You ever heard the saying, “No such thing as a free lunch”? It’s an Ancient Greek saying that works pretty well in English, especially in America. There will be a price, just wait and see.
PERCY puts the pearls in his pocket, a slightly worried/disappointed look on his face. Later, as night falls, the kids cautiously wander around L.A., police sirens blaring in the back ground. ANNABETH notices a cop car coming, and pulls the boys into an alley. Once the cop car passes, they cautiously leave the alley.
PERCY:
(Relieved)
Phew… that was a close-
PERCY stops mid-sentence when he sees a his stepdad GABE, who is sitting with a pretty blonde woman, being interviewed by Barbra Walters on a TV in an appliance store.
GABE: (ON TV SCREEN)
(Feigning grief)
Honest, Ms. Walters, if it weren’t for Sugar here, my grief counselor, I… I don’t know what I’d do. My stepson took everything I care about… my wife… my car… I just…
GROVER:
For some reason I don’t think she’s a grief counselor.
GABE:
(Wipes away fake tear)
I’m sorry, I have a hard time talkin’ bout it.
BARBRA WALTERS:
(Overly dramatic, turns to camera)
There you have it, America. A man torn apart. An adolescent boy with serious issues. Here’s the last known photo of the troubled young fugitive, taken in Denver, Colorado, about a week ago.
A grainy image of PERCY, ANNABETH and GROVER talking to ARES outside the diner in Denver comes up on the screen next to Barbra Walters.
BARBRA WALTERS:
(Over dramatic)
Who are the other children in this photo? Who is the man with them? Is PERCY JACKSON simply a delinquent, a terrorist, or perhaps the brainwashed victim of a frightening new cult? When we come back, we’ll chat with leading child psychologist. Stay tuned, America.
PERCY’S face becomes twisted with fury, and GROVER gently grabs him by the shoulder.
GROVER:
Come on, dude. Let’s get going.
The kids begin wandering around L.A., and become nervous when they notice some shady people hanging around. They past by some people who look like gangbangers, bums, and various other suspicious looking people.
GRUFF MALE VOICE: (O.S.)
Hey, kid!
PERCY, startled, stops, and a homeless looking man comes out of an alley.
HOMELESS MAN:
(Fidgeting)
Spare some change?
PERCY:
(Awkward, nervous)
Um… sorry, no.
Several other bums come out of the dark alley, and when the kids try to run, several bums come up from behind them, staring the kids down threateningly. The first bum pulls out a switch blade, and PERCY uncaps Riptide, shocking the bums. PERCY swings his blade at the bum leader, but it passes through him as if he were a hologram.
HOMELESS MAN:
(Shocked)
What the-!?
PERCY:
(Surprised, disappointed)
Oh right, I, uh… I forgot about that.
ANNABETH kicks one of the bums in the crotch, causing him to crumple to the ground in pain.
ANNABETH:
(Urgent)
Run!
The kids start running down the sidewalk, the bums chasing after them, shouting at them to come back. The kids rush around a corner, and ANNABETH sees an open shop called “CRUSTY’S WATER BED PALACE”.
ANNABETH:
There!
The kids run into the shop, hide behind a display bed in the window, and the bums run past.
GROVER:
(Relieved)
Phew… I think we lost them.
MALE VOICE: (O.S.)
Lost who?
PERCY, ANNABETH AND GROVER, IN UNISON:
(Startled, jump)
Ah!
The kids turn around to see a tall, pale, bald man in a tacky leisure suit and silver chains around his neck, standing right behind them.
TALL BALD MAN:
(Grinning creepily, showing off yellow teeth)
How ya’ll doin? I’m Crusty.
PERCY:
(Holding back a laugh, quiet)
Yes, you are.
CRUSTY:
(Raises eyebrow)
Hm?
PERCY:
(Slightly embarrassed, awkward)
I said, uh… sorry to barge… in.
CRUSTY:
Hidin’ from them lowlifes, huh? Yeah, they hang around here every night. I get a lotta people comin’ in here cuz of them. So…
(Gestures around shop)
… Can I interest you kids in a water bed?
PERCY:
(Uncomfortable)
Um… I mean, uh… I don’t really think I need-
CRUSTY gracefully sweeps up behind PERCY, grabs him by the shoulders, and pushes him deeper into the shop.
PERCY:
Uh, okay, this is weird…
CRUSTY proudly gestures to a vibrating bed with lava lamps and black satin sheets.
CRUSTY:
Million hand massage. Why don’t you lie down? Hell, take a nap, I don’t care.
PERCY:
(Anxious)
Um, no, I think we’ll be leave-
GROVER:
(Excited)
Dude, million hand massage?! No way!
GROVER jumps into the massage bed.
GROVER:
(Voice vibrating)
O-oh d-dude, th-this is s-so s-sweet!
CRUSTY:
(Disappointed, stroking chin)
Hmm, not quite…
PERCY:
(Uneasy)
Huh? Not quite what?
CRUSTY:
(Takes ANNABETH by the shoulder)
Do me a favor, honey, and try this one over here.
ANNABETH:
(Uncomfortable)
I… but…
CRUSTY ushers ANNABETH over to a bed, and tries pushing her into it.
ANNABETH:
(Angry)
Hey! Get your hands off-
CRUSTY:
(Snaps fingers)
Ergo!
Ropes grow out from under the bed, and strap ANNABETH down to the mattress.
ANNABETH:
(Panicking, screaming)
Hey! LET ME GO!
GROVER tries to get out of his bed, but ropes tie him down as well.
GROVER:
(Alarmed)
I-it’s n-not s-sweet a-anymore, d-dudes!
PERCY:
(Steps back, shocked)
What the hell are you-
CRUSTY:
(Quickly places hand behind PERCY’S neck)
Whoa, take it easy, kid. I’ll get you your own bed in a sec.
PERCY:
(Assertive, serious)
Let my friends go.
CRUSTY:
(Calm, friendly)
Oh don’t worry, I will. Soon as I make ‘em fit.
PERCY:
(Confused, angry)
Fit? What do you-
CRUSTY:
Lemme explain. All the beds are exactly six feet. Your friends are too short, see, so I gotta stretch ‘em out a bit. Can’t stand imperfect measurements…
CRUSTY snaps his fingers again, and more ropes wrap around GROVER and ANNABETH’S feet and arms, and begin slowly stretching them. PERCY watches in horror as his friends scream in pain.
PERCY:
(Angry, shouting)
Let them go, now!
CRUSTY:
Don’t worry, they only need a few inches. Hell, they might even survive! Now, why don’t we get you set up with a bed you like, huh?
ANNABETH:
(Screaming in pain)
PERCY!!!
GROVER:
(Screaming in pain)
HELP!!!
PERCY:
(Suspicious)
Your name’s not really CRUSTY, is it?
CRUSTY:
Legally, it’s PROCRUSTES.
PERCY:
The Stretcher. The one who tried to kill Theseus with hospitality.
PROCRUSTES:
(Grinning)
That’s me. But who can pronounce Procrustes? ‘Crusty’ on the other hand, much easier to market.
PERCY:
(Eyes get wide, gets an idea)
Uh… yeah! I totally agree. Has a nice ring to it.
PROCRUSTES:
(Flattered)
You think so?
PERCY:
Oh, absolutely. And the craftsmanship on these beds is simply fabulous.
PROCRUSTES:
(Grinning)
I tell my customers that all the time. I mean, how many beds have you seen with lava lamps built into the headboards?
PERCY:
(Shrugging)
Not too many.
PROCRUSTES:
Exactly!
ANNABETH:
(Angry, confused, screaming in pain)
PERCY!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?
PERCY:
(Dismissive)
Don’t mind her. She couldn’t never understand the art of a well crafted bed.
PROCRUSTES:
(Sighing, disappointed)
None of my customers do. Never exactly six feet, so inconsiderate. And then they have the nerve to complain about the fittings!
PERCY:
So… what do you do if they’re taller than six feet?
PROCRUSTES:
Oh, easy fix. I just center the customer best I can, then grab my trusty friend here-
(Lets go of PERCY’S neck, reaches behind desk, pulls out huge, double sided bronze axe)
- And I lop off whatever hangs off either side!
PERCY:
(Surprised, nervous)
Oh… well, I mean, that’s just perfectly sensible.
PROCRUSTES:
(Excited)
Oh, you have no idea what it feels like to finally have an intelligent customer!
PERCY worriedly look over to his friends, ANNABETH gasping for air, struggling against the ropes, GROVER making strangled gurgling sounds.
PERCY:
So… CRUSTY, my man, this bed…
(Gestures to giant heart shaped bed with red satin sheets)
… Does it really have dynamic stabilizers to stop wave motion?
PROCRUSTES:
Sure does. Why don’t you give it a try?
PERCY:
(Stroking chin, pretending to be interested)
Yeah, maybe I will. But… would it work even for a big guy like you?
PROCRUSTES:
Absolutely.
PERCY:
Really? No waves at all?
PROCRUSTES:
None. Guaranteed.
PERCY:
(Pretending to be skeptical)
No way.
PROCRUSTES:
Way.
PERCY:
Prove it.
PROCRUSTES puts his axe down, lies in the bed, and pats the mattress.
PROCRUSTES:
See? No waves at all-
PERCY:
(Snaps fingers)
Ergo!
Ropes spring out of the sides of the bed, tying PROCRUSTES down to it, his head hanging off the top.
PROCRUSTES:
(Shocked, angry)
What the-?!
PERCY:
(Frowns, feigning disappointment)
Oooh, sorry, man. Looks like you don’t quite fit…
(Uncaps Riptide)
… Let me make a few adjustments.
PROCRUSTES:
(Anxious, gulps)
Whoa, uh, y-you drive a hard bargain, kid. Tell you what; let me go, and I, uh… I’ll give you thirty percent off any of the floor models!
PERCY:
(Sarcastic, pretending to consider offer)
Really? Any of the floor models?
PROCRUSTES:
Y-yep! A-and no money down. And no interest for six months.
PERCY:
Hm. That’s a pretty tempting offer. But I think I have a better one.
PROCRUSTES:
(Curious)
Really? What’s that?
PERCY:
(Raises Riptide, aiming for PROCRUSTES’S neck)
Go to TARTARUS.
PROCRUSTES:
(Frowns)
That’s not a-
PERCY swings Riptide down, and chops off PROCRUSTES’S head, turning the giant salesman to yellow dust and black smoke, then quickly cuts GROVER and ANNABETH’S ropes.
PERCY:
(Concerned)
You alright?
ANNABETH:
(Groaning)
Define “alright”.
PERCY:
(Smirks)
You look taller.
ANNABETH:
(Irritated)
Very funny. Could you maybe be faster saving us next time?
PERCY heads behind CRUSTY’S desk, and begins flipping through papers. He finds a pouch of drachmas, and puts them in his pocket, then finds a map.
PERCY:
So, who’s ready to go to the UNDERWORLD?
GROVER:
(Groaning)
Dude, give me a sec…
(Stretches, back makes sickening ‘pop’ sound)
Oooo, that was good. Okay, I’m ready.
PERCY:
Good.
(Holds up map he found on CRUSTY’S desk)
Because it’s right around the block.
EXT – VALENCIA BOULEVARD – A FEW MINUTES LATER
The kids stand outside of a record store with a sign made of black marble engraved with gold lettering that reads: DOA RECORDING STUDIOS, and stenciled words on the glass door that reads: NO SOLICITING, NO LOITERING, NO LIVING.
ANNABETH:
Well, this was not what I was expecting.
PERCY:
What were you expecting?
ANNABETH:
(Shrugging)
I dunno. Like, a hole by the Hollywood sign that opens when you read some Ancient Greek graffiti?
(Looks directly into the camera)
PERCY:
(Confused)
… Okay, whatever. Anyway, you guys remember the plan?
GROVER:
(Nervous)
Yep. The plan. Love the plan.
ANNABETH:
(Critical, curt)
And what if the plan goes wrong?
PERCY:
(Trying to be reassuring)
Oh come on, don’t be so negative, ANNABETH.
ANNABETH:
(Sarcastic)
Oh yes, PERCY. We’re about to enter the Land of the Dead, but I’m sure if we don’t think negative, we’ll be just fine.
PERCY takes the Nereid’s pearls out of his pocket, and stares at them glumly.
ANNABETH:
(Kind, places hand on PERCY’S shoulder)
I’m sorry, PERCY. You’re right. Well make it.
ANNABETH gives GROVER a nudge.
GROVER:
(Nervous, trying to be reassuring)
Y-yeah! I mean, we’ve made it this far, right? We’ll get the BOLT, save your mom, and save the world.
PERCY:
(Smiles, then gets serious)
Alright. Let’s kick some UNDERWORLD ass.
INT – DOA RECORDING STUDIOS – SAME TIME
The kids enter DOA, Muzak playing softly. The walls are steel gray, the furniture black leather. There are people hanging about the lobby, but at closer glance, they are slightly see through, as if they were made of smoke. The kids head to the main desk, which is raised up on a podium. The security guard behind the desk has a military style haircut, dyed bleach blonde, wearing tortoiseshell shades and a white silk Italian suit, with a black rose pinned to his lapel, and a silver name tag.
PERCY:
(Leans forwards, reads name tag, bewildered)
Your name is CHIRON?
SECURITY GUARD:
(Leans over, smiling, soothing voice)
What a precious lad you are. Tell me, do I look like a centaur?
PERCY:
(Slightly embarrassed)
N-no.
SECURITY GUARD:
Sir.
PERCY:
No, sir.
SECURITY GUARD:
(Gestures to name tag)
Take a closer look, now. It’s C-H-A-R-O-N. Now say it with me, CARE-ON.
PERCY:
(A bit irritated)
CHARON.
CHARON:
Ah-mazing. Now, Mr. CHARON.
PERCY:
(Rolls his eyes)
Mr. CHARON.
CHARON:
Well done. I do hate being confused with that old horse. Now, how may I help you little dead ones?
PERCY looks over at ANNABETH.
ANNABETH:
(A bit uncomfortable)
Well, we uh, wanna go to the UNDERWORLD.
CHARON:
(Blunt, a bit surprised)
Oh. Well, that’s refreshing.
ANNABETH:
(Confused)
I, uh- it is?
CHARON:
Oh, absolutely. Just straightforward and honest, no screaming, no “Oh, please, Mr. CHARON, please give me another chance!”.
(Grins, clasps hands)
So, how did you loves die?
PERCY clears his throat.
GROVER:
(Nervous)
Oh! We uh, we drowned. In a bathtub.
CHARON:
(Raises eyebrow)
All three of you at once?
PERCY:
(Awkward)
I-it was a really big bathtub.
CHARON:
(Blunt)
Naturally. I don’t suppose you have coins for passage, though. If you were adults, I could charge your American Express, or add the ferry fee to your last cable bill. But children…
(Sighs, sad)
… Alas, they never die prepared, it seems. I’m afraid you’ll have to take a seat for a few centuries.
PERCY:
Oh, we have coins.
(Places three drachmas on the desk)
CHARON:
(Licks lips, excited)
My my… real golden drachmas… I haven’t seen those in…
(Hand hovers over drachmas, becomes suspicious)
Here now, just a minute ago, you read my name tag wrong. Are you dyslexic, mate?
PERCY:
(A bit nervous)
No, I’m dead.
CHARON:
(Leans forward, stares the kids down)
You’re not dead.
(Sniffs the air, disdainful)
Two godlings and a satyr. I should have known.
PERCY:
(Awkward)
Okay, first of all, I didn’t want to be a half-blood, and second, we really need to get to the UNDERWORLD.
CHARON makes a strange, growling sound in his throat, and the spirits waiting around the lobby start moving around, restless, lighting cigarettes, fidgeting with their watches, etc.
CHARON:
Why don’t you leave now, and I’ll just forget I saw you.
CHARON starts to reach for the drachmas, but PERCY snatches them away.
PERCY:
(Serious, assertive)
No service, no tip.
CHARON growls again, the spirits start banging on the elevator door.
PERCY:
(Pretending to be disappointed)
It’s really a shame. We had more to offer.
PERCY holds up the pouch of drachmas he took from CRUSTY’S place, pulls out a fistful of the golden coins, and lets them run through his fingers.
CHARON:
(Slightly hungry look on face)
You think I can be bought, godling? Hmmm, just out of curiosity, how much you got there?
PERCY:
(Polite)
A lot. So… what’s your pay like, huh? HADES being good to you, or…?
CHARON:
(Annoyed)
Ugh, you don’t know the half of it. Babysitting these spirits for eternity, always with “Please don’t let me be dead”, “Please let me go in for free”, all day, everyday. I haven’t had a raise in almost three thousand years. I mean, look at me.
(Gestures to his suit)
… You think dressing this good is cheap?
PERCY:
(Nodding, slowly drops a few drachmas on the desk)
Clearly, you deserve better wages as, uh… compensation for the, um… mentally taxing environment you work in.
PERCY glances over at ANNABETH, who quickly nods approvingly.
CHARON:
You know, mate? I think you might be starting to talk some sense.
(Strokes chin, thinking)
Hm… boat’s almost full anyway… tell you what, lad. While you’re talking to the boss man, if you were to mention something about giving me a raise…
PERCY:
I guess I could drop a subtle hint or two.
CHARON:
(Smiles coldly, grabs drachmas)
Come along, then.
CHARON begins pushing through the spirits of the dead, the kids follow him. As CHARON pushes through the spirits, they whisper and wail incomprehensible gibberish.
CHARON:
Freeloaders.
CHARON opens the elevator doors, and they get in with several spirits already in the elevator.
CHARON:
(Turns to face the spirits still in the lobby)
No one get any ideas while I’m gone. And if anyone changes the station from easy-listening again, you’ll all be waiting here for another thousand years.
The elevator doors close, and CHARON slides a key card into the slot on the panel, and the elevator begins to descend.
ANNABETH:
(Uncomfortable)
So… what happens to the spirits in the lobby?
CHARON:
(Blunt)
Nothing.
ANNABETH:
Oh… for how long?
CHARON:
Forever. Or until I’m feeling generous.
ANNABETH:
(Curt, sarcastic)
Well that’s fair.
CHARON:
Nothing about death is fair, love. You’ll find that out for yourself soon enough where you’re heading.
PERCY:
(Confident)
We’ll get out alive.
CHARON:
(Dry)
Ha.
Suddenly, PERCY becomes a bit woozy, blinks a few times, and sees that CHARON’S Italian suit has been replaced by a gray tunic and a black cloak, and his tortoiseshell shades have disappeared, revealing his eyes to be empty black pits. PERCY notices the modern clothes of the spirits become tattered gray cloaks.
CHARON:
Well?
PERCY:
(Realizes he was staring at CHARON’S strange eyes)
N-nothing.
CHARON’S face slowly becomes transparent, showing off his grinning skull. The elevator suddenly starts swaying.
GROVER:
(Holds his hand up to his mouth as if about to vomit)
Oh, dude… I’m gonna be sick…
PERCY becomes a bit woozy again, and suddenly the elevator has become a wooden barge, gently drifting down an oily, black river littered with all sorts of things, from college diplomas, dolls, money, and jewelry.
ANNABETH:
The River Styx… it’s so…
CHARON:
Polluted. For thousands of years, the spirits of the dead have thrown in everything they can’t take with them; hopes, dreams, wishes that never came true. Irresponsible waste management, if you ask me.
Mist begins curling off the river, PERCY glances up to see huge stalactites, and then sees a strange, poison-green light glowing faintly in the distance. PERCY and ANNABETH begin nervously looking around at the spirits around them, and ANNABETH grabs PERCY’S hand. CHARON rows down the river a bit, and soon, they find themselves approaching the shores of the UNDERWORLD, craggy rocks and black volcanic sand, and about a hundred yards up the shore, a huge, stone wall that seems to go on forever in either direction. The kids become more uneasy when they here a deep, powerful howling sound somewhere in the distance.
CHARON:
(His face almost entirely transparent)
Ol’ three face is hungry. Too bad for you, godlings.
The boat slides up onto the black shores, and PERCY sadly watches the spirits shuffle out of the boat. PERCY, ANNABETH and GROVER hesitantly depart the boat.
CHARON:
So long, mates. I’d wish you luck, but there’s none down here.
CHARON begins rowing away.
CHARON:
Oh, and don’t forget to mention my raise.
CHARON eventually disappears from PERCY’S sight, and the kids forlornly trudge up the path with the spirits. As they get closer to the gate, PERCY sees that the gates of the UNDERWORLD seem to be modeled after airport security, with three different entrances with a sign over them that reads: YOU ARE NOW ENTERING EREBUS. Beyond the gates, there are some tollbooth-like structures manned by ghoulish black robed figures like CHARON. PERCY notices lots of spirits moving right along to a gate with a sign over it that reads: EZ DEATH.
PERCY:
(Points to quick moving line)
What do you make of that?
ANNABETH:
Probably goes to the FIELDS OF ASPHODEL. It’s the place where spirits go if they’re too scared to face judgment in court.
PERCY:
(Surprised)
There’s a court for the dead?
ANNABETH:
Yep. There’s three judges, and HADES switches them around once in a while. King Minos, Thomas Jefferson, Shakespeare, people like that. The judges look at a person’s life, and if they were really good, they get to go to ELYSIUM. If they were really bad, the judges decide on a punishment. But for most people… well, most people never do anything really special in their lives, good or evil, so they go to the FIELDS OF ASPHODEL.
PERCY:
Oh… and… what exactly happens in ASPHODEL?
GROVER:
Imagine wandering around in a wheat field.
PERCY:
Well, that doesn't sound so-
GROVER:
Forever.
PERCY:
… Oh. I guess that would kinda suck.
GROVER:
(Eyes wide with fear, points to something)
Not as much as that.
PERCY and ANNABETH look where GROVER is pointing, and see two black robed ghouls grab one of the spirits in line, who begins sniffing him down. They ghouls growl angrily, and begin dragging the shrieking spirit away towards one of the gates.
PERCY:
(Worried, a bit scared)
Where are they taking him?
GROVER:
(Gulps)
FIELDS OF PUNISHMENT, probably. The Furies will set up whatever punishment the judges decide on.
As the kids slowly approach the gates, they hear the howling sound again, but still can’t see where it is coming from. As they get closer to the gates, a huge, a shadowy figure slowly becomes visible, and starts to form the dark, transparent shape of a massive three-headed dog, towering over them, growling.
PERCY:
(Petrified)
H-he’s a rottweiler?
ANNABETH:
(Slowly turns head towards PERCY)
Wow, PERCY. There is, standing in front of us, a three-headed dog twice the size of an elephant, with teeth the size of cinder blocks, and more than likely wants to make us his midnight snack, and the first thing you think to say is, “He’s a rottweiler”?
PERCY:
(Awkward)
I’m just trying to ease the tension.
The kids slowly approach CERBERUS, and notice the giant dog is becoming more visible.
PERCY:
(Curious)
I’m starting to see him better… why?
ANNABETH:
(Gulps, scared)
Well… it’s probably because we’re becoming closer to death.
CERBERUS stoops one of his heads, and begins sniffing.
PERCY:
(Grim)
He can smell the living.
GROVER:
(Trembling with fear)
Yeah. B-b-but it’s okay, cuz we g-g-gotta plan, right?
ANNABETH:
(Small, quiet, terrified)
Yeah. Th-th-the plan.
The kids inch closer the CERBERUS, and the three-headed dog barks so loud, the world seems to shake.
PERCY:
GROVER? Translation?
GROVER:
I, uh, don’t think humans have a four letter word that translates exactly.
PERCY reaches into his backpack, pulling out a broken bedpost.
PERCY:
(Nervous, trying to be calm)
H-hey boy, I bet they don’t play with you much down here, huh?
CERBERUS lets out a thunderous bark.
PERCY:
(Gulps)
G-good boy…
(Waves the stick around)
Y-you see the stick?
CERBERUS’S middle head follows the stick, the other two heads fixed directly on PERCY.
PERCY:
Fetch!
PERCY throws the bedpost, and CERBERUS watches it, unflinching. The stick disappears into the gloom, and splashes into the River Styx. CERBERUS turns his three heads back onto the kids, and growls menacingly.
GROVER:
Um, PERCY?
PERCY:
Yeah?
GROVER:
Just thought you should know, CERBERUS says we have ten seconds to pray to the god of our choice before we become Cerby snacks.
CERBERUS begins snarling, saliva dripping from his three jaws, and ANNABETH’S eyes get wide.
ANNABETH:
Wait! I have an idea.
(Start rifling through backpack)
CERBERUS gets into an attack position.
GROVER:
Um, so I’m thinking maybe we should run now?
ANNABETH:
(Frantically looking through backpack)
Hold on!
CERBERUS roars, and starts to lunge forward when ANNABETH whips a red rubber ball out of her backpack, and the giant dog stops mid lunge, curious.
ANNABETH:
See the ball, boy? You want the ball? Sit!
CERBERUS cocks his heads, confused.
ANNABETH:
(Assertive)
Sit!
To PERCY and GROVER’S surprise, CERBERUS sits, crushing several spirits, who pass through him, shouting angrily in some sort of gibberish.
ANNABETH:
(Pleased)
Good boy!
ANNABETH throws the ball, which CERBERUS catches in his middle mouth. The other two heads start snapping at the ball.
ANNABETH:
Drop it!
CERBERUS whimpers, and gently drops the ball at ANNABETH’S feet, almost bitten in half and covered in slobber.
ANNABETH:
(Picks up ball)
Good boy.
(Glances back at PERCY and GROVER)
Go. EZ DEATH line, it’s faster.
PERCY:
(Worried, hesitant)
But-
ANNABETH:
Go!
PERCY and GROVER reluctantly start inching forward, CERBERUS growls.
ANNABETH:
Stay! You want the ball? Then stay!
PERCY:
(Worried)
What about you?
ANNABETH:
(Slightly nervous)
I know what I’m doing, PERCY. Kinda.
PERCY and GROVER cautiously walk under the giant dog’s legs.
ANNABETH:
Good dog!
ANNABETH throws the ball to CERBERUS, and quickly walks under him while the three heads fight over the ball.
PERCY:
(Impressed)
How’d you do that?
ANNABETH:
(Catching breath)
Obedience school. When I was really little, my dad got a doberman, and-
GROVER:
(Urgent)
Dudes, less talking, more running.
The kids bolt for the EZ DEATH line, and ANNABETH stops when she hears CERBERUS whining behind her. She turns around to face him, and sees the giant dog panting, the ball torn to bits at his feet.
PERCY:
(Worried)
ANNABETH?
ANNABETH:
(Shaky voice, sad smile)
Good boy. I’ll bring you another ball soon. Would you like that?
CERBERUS whines, and lower his three heads.
ANNABETH:
(Petting CERBERUS’S head, holding back tears)
G-good boy. I’ll visit you, okay? I… I promise.
PERCY:
(Sad, hesitant)
ANNABETH… we have to go.
ANNABETH sadly walks away from CERBERUS, and passes through the EZ DEATH line with the boys. As they walk through the metal detector, alarms begin blaring, and CERBERUS starts barking.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Unauthorized possessions! Magic items detected!
PERCY:
(Urgent)
Run!
The kids run through the gate into the FIELDS OF ASPHODEL, pushing through disgruntled spirits as black robed ghoulish security guards chase after them, shrieking and wailing. The kids scramble down the ridge of a road, and hide in the rotten trunk of a large, black tree. The ghouls run past the tree, still wailing and shrieking. The kids stay in the trunk for a bit to make sure the ghouls are gone.
GROVER:
Your plans suck, dude.
PERCY:
(Irritated)
Yeah, well, you’re a donkey.
(Takes quick look around the corner to make sure it’s safe)
Alright, they’re gone. We should-
PERCY stops mid-sentence when he notices ANNABETH sniffing and wiping tears from her eyes, and hears CERBERUS howling mournfully in the distance.
PERCY:
(Gently places hands on ANNABETH’S shoulders)
Come on. We have to get out of here.
ANNABETH nods, wiping the last of the tears from her eyes, and takes PERCY’S hand.
​
Part 2 will be out soon.

In 1979, Hayao Miyazaki had just completed his first animated motion picture, The Castle Of Cagliostro. Known for having created much of the original series "Lupin the 3rd," the future genius of Studio Ghibli created, in what my opinion is the greatest work of animation in film history.
The Castle of Cagliostro follows protagonist Arsene Lupin the 3rd, and his prototypical mischief of thievery. The scene opens, and Lupin and sidekick Jigen have just escaped with billions of dollars from a massive casino. Upon further inspection of their newly stolen cash, Lupin is able to discern these bills as counterfeit. (1. This is the first instance, and I will return to this later.)
Lupin sends the counterfeit bills flying into the air, and his next journey is decided. To find and eliminate the source of the Counterfeit dollars.
His journey takes him to a tiny country somewhere in Europe, called Cagliostro. In this land, it is ruled by a form of monarchy, however the grand duke and his family have died, leaving control of Cagliostro under the hand of Count Lazare(2) Di'Cagliostro.
Count Cagliostro is the Lord regent, and a tyrannical tyrant in possession of advanced technologies, and seemingly endless supply of cash. His goal is to preform a ritualistic wedding ceremony to the sole survivor of the Grand Dukes branch of their family, Clarisse Di'Cagliostro. The goal of the Count, is to attain the secret treasure of the Cagliostro Family which can only be done by joining the two rings of the two branches of the Cagliostro Family together. There is no explanation as to how the ritual wedding will tell Cagliostro the secret of the Cagliostro Treasure, however I will explain that further down, as Miyazaki has not left us clueless.(3)
Lupin knows all of this mentioned above, and later explains to Inspector Zenigatta that the Cagliostro Family has ruled the world for the past 400 years through a system of counterfeit dollars. They used these dollars and instigated the French Revolution and the troubles of the Bourbon dynasty, they funded the civil war, WW1&2 and all other major conflicts, and even the stock market panic of 1927. Zenigatta attempts to inform the heads of state, only to find that they are all beholden to Cagliostro, and they do business with him regularly. They even state how the russians were buying counterfeit dollars, while the CIA bought counterfeit Russian dollars.
Upon learning this, Zanigatta teams up with Lupin to stop the Ritual. Once the ritual has commenced, we see hordes of wealthy people, fenced in a room by multiple men clothed in black KKK esq robes, carrying the cross blade of the templar knight, under the statue of a Rams Head. The rams head is the centerpeice, and a common occurrence around the count of cagliostro. We find Clarisse in a white dress, wearing a blue sash, as her wedding dress. The count wears a Rams head helmet, and a dark cloak. The day is saved when Lupin and crew stop the wedding, naturally.
Upon finding the location of the treasure, the Castle of Cagliostro is destroyed, Count Lazare has been literally crushed by the hands of time (clock tower hands crushed him), and the ruins of ancient Rome are revealed as the treasure.
I'm sure those reading may catch my gist by now, but I'm nowhere near ready to bake your noodle yet.
Now, in the American release English version of the film, the above story is exactly as I've told it.
However, this movie is different depending on the language chosen, and the release location. In my personal DVD copies of this film, the dollars are known as "Goat Bills". The Netflix version removed this from the film, as well as a horde of other information.
In fact, All of the information removed from the new US English dub, is all information that would lead to a Rothschild conclusion.
In the original Dub, the Count claims to be descended from a great family known as "the Goths". In real history, the Goths were the group of illegal immigrants who's immigration patterns and inability to assimilate culturally brought about the destruction of Rome, however I do not know for certain if a link exists there, and it is more likely that the name is simply a different way of saying "the Roth". I simply found the correlation interesting considering the contents of the Cagliostro treasure being Roman ruins.
There is much background and description of the family that has been removed from the original film, however that still isn't a perfect explanation for my certainty of this films contents.
What we have so far: Family, controlled the world goverments for at least 400 years, is bloodline concerned, controlled all world events and wars for the past 400 years, and lives in a tiny country where the Head organization of the Banking world is placed. In this country, the family controls the policing forces, by control of the royal guard, which allows them to remain undetected by authorities. This count is heavily involved In Magic, likely dark magic, but specifically Egyptian magic, which I will demomstrate. Not only that, but this family has access to advanced technologies, and in the Japanese translation, the count is accused of being a pedophile.
I just gave a perfect summary of both the typical depiction of Rothschilds; the family that controls Switzerland, the country where the IMF (International Monetary Fund) is, who are controlled by the Swiss guard, which is the guard who even protects the Vatican, who has been accused of practicing magic rituals among a satanic elite, where pedophilia and vice are prominent. The Rothschild are almost always accused of all of the things the count partakes in. The film even calls them "Goths", I'm not sure how much more obvious it could be, but don't worry, I'll make it even more interesting.
THE REAL Count Allessandro De Cagliostro was a real man, a supposed sorcerer, the founder of the Egyptian Rite in Freemasonry, accused of being in the real illuminati from the 1700s, and a good friend to many kings and queens and cardinals. Many kings and queens would attest to his magic, and he is even recorded as having predicted the death of the queen of Austria 5 days before it happened, and 3 countries away. Not much is known of him, as all of his writings were taken and burned by the church, however we have testament and recording from these kings and queens who had the sorcerer in their court.
It was sometime shortly before the French Revolution that the Cardinal De Rohan invited Cagliostro into his home.
Cagliostro had approached the Cardinal one day with a diamond as large as his fist, and told him that he had created this diamond of his own accord. This claim is of no surprise, as during that time the pursuit of the philosophers stone was the most important pursuit of the day(it still may be), however it seemed to the Cardinal De Rohan that Cagliostro had finally found it. Not long after, Cagliostro had a chemistry lab set up in the Cardinals castle, yet his expiriements are unknown. (Counterfeiting money?)
I am unsure of what crimes he committed, but years later he was banished from France, and went to England where he was inducted into freemason lodge 367, who would meet at the Kings Head tavern("at worlds end" fans out here?). Masons at the time were heavily influenced and involved in ritualistic magic resembling the magic of the book, Key of Solomon, as well as Cagliostro himself, so he took to the group easily. It was here that he began trying to teach to doctrines of the Egyptian faith to the freemasons, and how they needed to incorporate the Egyptian faith as he believed therein lied the one true religion, a crossover of the Cabala and Egypt's religion.
This is where the Egyptian influences of Masonry come in, as Cagliostro was extremely successful and spent the next several decades of his life travelling across Europe, and creating his Egyptian Lodges, until his supposed death or imprisonment under the Catholic Inquisition.
It is not known how Cagliostro died, as there is no record of his death, and he was moved from his first prison to San Leon and was never heard from again, and his texts and works were all taken with him.
It may be hard to find this information for some, as History took the side of the Inquisition, and naturally subsequent lies were produced by the Inquisition historian. Masonic orators kept this knowledge, and it can be found in the writings of honorable Henry Ridgely Evans 33°, in his short bio "Cagliostro and his Egyptian Rite of Freemasonry" 1919. There are several more sources, but they are all quoted and assimilated in HREs book, so there is no need to find them.
In this book, is a description of the spells and rituals Cagliostro practiced, and this brings us full circle back to the film.
This film depicts the Marriage Ritual with incredible accuracy to the original scrying rituals of Allessandro Cagliostro. I will try to post images in the comments or edit, to show the similarities.
Cagliostro was the first person to perform the common "Crystal ball" magic as we know it today.
He would take a young child of innocence and virginity, dress them in a white dress with a blue sash, and have them undergo 9 days of experiencing no feeling or indulgence (things that you do to feel happy, like drinking, drugs, cigarettes, unessential food, sex, etc.). This was done by locking them in a room, with very specific environment.
Always the room must contain the image of a pyramid, while the rest may depend on the desired ritual effect, consistently there must be a single light source in the centre of the room which must be round and secluded. Oftentimes images of a constellation are acceptable, an interesting requirement was that there must be an image of death, with an hourglass on his forehead, to symbolize time.
While the girl would be clothes in white dress with blue sash, the performer of the ritual, in this case Cagliostro, would dress in a dark hooded robe with many frivolent elements. Those onlooking must also wear this robe, and there was always the sword with a cross as it's blade in the ritual.
Every last element of this ritual is present in this film. All of it. I'm not exactly certain as to what ritual exactly they were performing, but it is certainly of the same origin. I wouldn't even be surprised if the intended ritual of the film was so that Clarisse would be able to look into the crystal ball and see the location of the treasure of Cagliostros Castle. It would make absolute perfect sense.
Lastly, the object of my current interest, has to do with the Philosophers Stone. Upon reading of Cagliostro, and old texts of the Masons, I've found that the Stone takes a much larger place in history than I realized. You may know the image of the philosophers stone, as it takes form as the logo of the deathly Hallows in Harry potter, or the logo of the four stones in The fifth Element (which btw the 5th Element is the philosophers stone. There were 4 base elements according to solomnic magic, and one last element created by God to be the perfect element to create the perfect being, ie Leeloo)
If one studies old Masonic texts, one will see that the masons goals were entirely the pursuit of the Stone, as they believed it was the fifth element to make them immortal or to do anything as they please. This was also Cagliostros goal, if one studies the accounts given by his disciples of the Egyptian Rite. Everything, up until maybe 1900, was in pursuit of the Stone. All world religions, governments, and royalty, sought after it and absolutely believing in its existence.
Lazare Di'Cagliostro
His name is French/Italian for Lazarus Of Cagliostro. Lazarus, the story of returning from the dead into youth eternal, Cagliostro, the man who supposedly found the Stone.
There is so much to be learned from Miyazaki and his works, and one would likely gain much if they comprehended all the things he is telling us In his films. If you've made it this far, thank you. This was not easy to type, and I appreciate your patients. I have been sitting on this theory for some time, and I can go much further if necessary, but here is my stopping point. I don't know how to end these thi

MAME 0.209

With another month over, it’s time for another release, and MAME 0.209 is sure to have something to interest everyone. We’ve cracked the encryption on the Fun World CPU blocks, making Fun World Quiz, Joker Card, Mega Card, Power Card, Multi Win, Saloon and Nevada playable. Regular contributor shattered has added Кузьмич-Егорыч (Kuzmich-Egorych), a Russian Mario Brothers bootleg running on heavily modified Apple II hardware. In other Apple II news, CD-ROM drives now work with the Apple II SCSI card, and another batch of cleanly cracked floppies has been added to the software list. The NES SimCity prototype has been added to the software list, along with MMC5 improvements to support it, and better emulation for Famicom cartridges with on-board sound chips.
Henrik Algestam has continued his Game & Watch work, bringing Popeye (wide screen) and Zelda to MAME. Chess computer support has been expanded with Fidelity Chess Challenger 3, and additional versions of Applied Concepts Boris, and Novag Super Expert and Super Forte. Newly supported arcade games include Akka Arrh (an Atari title that failed location testing), Little Casino II, a French version of Empire City: 1931, and additional versions of Dock Man and Street Heat. A better LM3900 op-amp model means Money Money and Jack Rabbit are no longer missing the cassa (bass drum) channel, and mixing between music and speech is improved.
Bug fixes include the Rockwell AIM 65 being returned to working order, working support for multiple light guns on Linux from Kiall, corrected screen freeze behaviour on Deniam hardware from cam900, and better flashing characters on the Sinclair QL from vilcans. You can get the source and Windows binary packages from the download page.

MAMETesters Bugs Fixed

• 03122: [DIP/Input] (ltcasino.cpp) mv4in1, ltcasino, ltcasinn: Service Mode DIP switch does not work. (Dirk Best)
• 05291: [Sound] (coco3.cpp) All drivers in coco.c: ORC90 emulation has no sound output. (Nigel Barnes)
• 03130: [Graphics] (ccastles.cpp) ccastles: Reported screen resolution is incorrect. (Dirk Best)
• 07075: [Sound] (m72.cpp) hharry: Victory scream is too low compared to previous mame releases and arcade PCB. (cam900)
• 07242: [Crash/Freeze] (vegas.cpp) sf2049: Game freezes in attract mode. (Ted Green)
• 07255: [Crash/Freeze] (sms.cpp) gamegear [ecco]: Game Gear ROM Ecco freezes on a pink/purple screen. (Enik Land)
• 07265: [DIP/Input] (tsamurai.cpp) tsamuraih: Lives DIP switch settings are incorrect. (chaneman)
• 07266: [Sound] (snk6502.cpp) sasuke: Initial game music plays partially or not at all after hitting Start. (Ivan Vangelista)
• 07270: [Crash/Freeze] (cps1.cpp) sf2ceea: Debugger crashes when accessing memory under certain conditions. (hap)
• 07272: [Documentation] (spg110.cpp) jak_spdmo: In the description the letter “W” is missing in the word “hardware”. (Tafoid)
• 07275: [Core] Weird pacing issue on Windows. (hap)
• 07279: [Crash/Freeze] (amstrad.cpp) cpc6128: Loading disk images with exess tracks causes a fatal error. (Edström)
• 07281: [DIP/Input] (pocketc.cpp) pc1401, pc1402: Inputs are mapped incorrectly. (Robbbert)
• 07282: [Crash/Freeze] (alphatro.cpp) alphatro: After “width 80” entered, MAME freezes. (AJR)

New working machines

• Akka Arrh (prototype) [Aaron Giles, The Dumping Union]
• Applied Concepts Great Game Machine [hap, bataais]
• Bonus Poker [Roberto Fresca, TeamEurope]
• Computer Chess (Conic) [hap, Sean Riddle]
• Fidelity Electronics Chess Challenger 3 [hap, Berger, Sean Riddle]
• Fun World Quiz (German, 12-11-1990) [Roberto Fresca, TeamEurope]
• Fun World Quiz (German, 27-04-1990) [Roberto Fresca, TeamEurope]
• Game & Watch: Popeye (wide screen) [Henrik Algestam]
• Game & Watch: Zelda [Henrik Algestam]
• Invader (Gakken, cyan version) [hap, Sean Riddle, hydef]
• Kuzmich-Egorych [shattered]
• Name That Tune (Castle Toy) [hap, Sean Riddle]
• Nevada (French, encrypted) [Roberto Fresca, Grull Osgo]

New working clones

• Applied Concepts Boris (rev. 01) [Sean Riddle]
• ARB V2 Sargon 4.0 [anon]
• Casino Poker (Ver PM86-35-1, German) [Roberto Fresca, TeamEurope]
• Dock Man (set 2) [Andrew Welburn, The Dumping Union]
• Dock Man (set 3) [Andrew Welburn, The Dumping Union]
• Empire City: 1931 (France) [Fabrice Arzeno, The Dumping Union]
• Euro League (Gaelco bootleg, Modular System) [ClawGrip, David Haywood]
• Fidelity Electronics Chess Challenger 7 (model CC7) [Sean Riddle]
• Little Casino II v18.1 [Andrew Welburn, The Dumped Union]
• Novag Super Expert (version B, model 886) [Berger]
• Novag Super Forte (version A, set 3) [Berger]
• Street Heat (set 2, older?) [chaneman]
• Super Bobble Bobble (bootleg, set 5) [Lorenzo Mancini]

Machines promoted to working

• Joker Card (Inter Games) [Roberto Fresca, Grull Osgo]
• Joker Card 300 (Ver.A267BC, encrypted) [Roberto Fresca, Grull Osgo, Andreas Naive, Gaby]
• Mega Card (Ver.0210, encrypted) [Roberto Fresca, Grull Osgo, Andreas Naive]
• Multi Win (Ver.0167, encrypted) [Roberto Fresca, Grull Osgo, Andreas Naive]
• Power Card (Ver 0263, encrypted) [Roberto Fresca, Grull Osgo, Andreas Naive]
• Saloon (French, encrypted) [Roberto Fresca, Grull Osgo]
• Tripple Draw (V3.1 s) [Ivan Vangelista]

Clones promoted to working

• Dragon World (Korea, V040K) [Ivan Vangelista]
• Jolly Card (German, Fun World, bootleg) [Roberto Fresca, Grull Osgo]
• Jolly Card (Italian, bootleg, set 2) [Roberto Fresca, Grull Osgo]
• Royal Card (Evona, Polish, encrypted) [Roberto Fresca, Grull Osgo]
• Wonder Boy (system 2, set 2, 315-5176) [Ivan Vangelista]

New machines marked as NOT_WORKING

• Bikkuri Pro Wrestling (Japan 881221, Ver 1.05) [ShouTime, Dane Biegert, Evan Korzon, Russell Howard, Jeroen Bijl, Jeffrey Gray, Smitdogg, The Dumping Union]
• Centipede / Millipede / Missile Command (rev 1.03) [chaneman, R. Belmont]
• Ericsson 9161 Display Processor Unit [MCbx Old Computer Collection]
• Husky Computers Ltd Hunter 16 [Barry Rodewald, rfka01, TeamEurope]
• Multi-Action 6710-13 [Brian Troha, The Dumping Union]
• Multi-Action 7551 [Brian Troha, The Dumping Union]
• Multi-Action 7556 [Brian Troha, The Dumping Union]
• Panther Darts [jordigahan, ClawGrip, The Dumping Union]
• Toyquest TV Go Go [ClawGrip, TeamEurope]
• Trivial Pursuit (Volumen V, Spanish, Maibesa hardware) [Retro Sevilla, Diego Bartolomé, Recreativas.org, ClawGrip]
• Yamaha MU50 [R. Belmont, O. Galibert]

New clones marked as NOT_WORKING

• Amstrad plc PCW9512 [Edström]
• CompuAdd 810 [rfka01]
• Dr. Dude (LU-1) Europe [PinMAME]
• Elvira and the Party Monsters (LF-1) French [PinMAME]
• Gilligan's Island (L-8) [PinMAME]
• Husky Computers Ltd Hunter 16/80 [Barry Rodewald, rfka01, TeamEurope]
• Hyosung Topstar 88T [rfka01]
• Image Fight (Japan, bootleg) [hammy, The Dumping Union]
• JUKO NEST 8086 and V30 [rfka01]
• Kaypro Corporation PC [rfka01]
• Kyocera XT [rfka01]
• Last Action Hero (1.06 Canada) [Matt Morin]

New working software list additions

• apple2_flop_clcracked: Adjectives (cleanly cracked), Adjectives (version 06.29.84) (cleanly cracked), Agenda Files (cleanly cracked), Air Nav Workshop (cleanly cracked), Air Raid Pearl Harbor (cleanly cracked), Air Traffic Controller (cleanly cracked), Alaska (cleanly cracked), Alfred's Basic Band Computer Tutor (cleanly cracked), Alge-Blaster (cleanly cracked), Algebra Volume 1 (Edu-Ware) (cleanly cracked), Algebra Volume 1 v1.3 (Edu-Ware) (cleanly cracked), Algebra Volume 2 v1.1 (Edu-Ware) (cleanly cracked), Algebra Volume 3 v1.2 (Edu-Ware) (cleanly cracked), Algebra Volume 4 v1.0 (Edu-Ware) (cleanly cracked), Algebra Volume 5 v1.2 (Peachtree) (cleanly cracked), Algebra Volume 6 v1.2 (Peachtree) (cleanly cracked), Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves (cleanly cracked), Alice in LogoLand (cleanly cracked), Alice in Wonderland rev. 2 (cleanly cracked), Alien Addition 1982.0 (cleanly cracked), Alien Addition 1985 (cleanly cracked), Alien Addition revision 2 (cleanly cracked), All About America (cleanly cracked), All About Purim (cleanly cracked), Alligator Alley (cleanly cracked), Alligator Mix (cleanly cracked), Alligator Mix 1982.0 (cleanly cracked), Alligators and Crocodiles (cleanly cracked), Alphabet Beasts and Company (cleanly cracked), Alphabetic Keyboarding Volume 1 (cleanly cracked), Alphabetic Keyboarding Volume 2 (cleanly cracked), Alphabetical Order (cleanly cracked), Alphabetization Sequence (cleanly cracked), Alphabetizing - Blue Level (cleanly cracked), Alpine Tram Ride (cleanly cracked), Alter Ego (female version) (cleanly cracked), Alter Ego (male version) (cleanly cracked), America Coast to Coast (cleanly cracked), American Government (Intellectual Software) (cleanly cracked), American Government (Micro Learningware) (cleanly cracked), American History Achievement IV: World War II - Present (cleanly cracked), Analogies Tutorial (cleanly cracked), Ancient Legends (cleanly cracked), Animal Homes and Stories (cleanly cracked), Animal Hotel (cleanly cracked), Animal Survival for Echo Voice System (cleanly cracked), Animal Survival for Ufonic Voice System (cleanly cracked), Animate (cleanly cracked), Ankh (cleanly cracked), Antonym Antics (cleanly cracked), Antonyms/Synonyms 1 (cleanly cracked), Antonyms/Synonyms 2 v05.25.87 (cleanly cracked), Aphasia I (cleanly cracked), Aphasia II - Opposites and Similarities (cleanly cracked), Aphasia III (cleanly cracked), Aphasia IV (cleanly cracked), Apple Cider Spider (cleanly cracked), Apple II Test Disk (cleanly cracked), AppleWriter ][ (cleanly cracked), Apventure to Atlantis (cleanly cracked), Aquatron (cleanly cracked), Arcade Boot Camp (cleanly cracked), Archon (cleanly cracked), Archon II - Adept (cleanly cracked), ARCO Computer Preparation for the SAT (cleanly cracked), Arcticfox (cleanly cracked), Ardy the Aardvark (cleanly cracked), Arena (cleanly cracked), Argos (cleanly cracked), Association Pictures (cleanly cracked), Audio Visual Inventory (cleanly cracked), Audubon Grizzly Bears - Wildlife Adventures (cleanly cracked), Autoduel (cleanly cracked), Axis Assassin (cleanly cracked), Back in Time (cleanly cracked), Bad Dudes (cleanly cracked), Bake & Taste (cleanly cracked), Bank Street StoryBook (cleanly cracked), Bank Street StoryBook 1.1 (cleanly cracked), Bank Street Writer II (cleanly cracked), Banner Books - All Along The Alphabet (cleanly cracked), Banner Books - Your School Day (cleanly cracked), Bannercatch (cleanly cracked), Baron (version 2.1) (cleanly cracked), Basic Biology (version 1.02) (cleanly cracked), Basic Division Facts (cleanly cracked), Basic Division Facts: Dividends to 25 - Factors to 5 (cleanly cracked), Basic Division Facts: Dividends to 81 - Factors to 9 (cleanly cracked), Basic Drafting: Review and Testmaker (version 3.0) (cleanly cracked), Basic Electricity (cleanly cracked), Basic Electronics: Atomic Theory (cleanly cracked), Basic Electronics: Electronic Fundamentals (cleanly cracked), Basic Electronics: Electronic Math (cleanly cracked), Basic Electronics: Electronic Prefixes, Symbols, and Components (cleanly cracked), Basic Electronics: Fundamentals of DC Circuitry (cleanly cracked), Basic Math Competency Skill Building: Decimals (cleanly cracked), Basic Math Facts and Games (1981 release) (cleanly cracked), Basic Math Facts and Games (1983 re-release) (cleanly cracked), Basic Math Flash Facts (cleanly cracked), Basic Multiplication Facts (cleanly cracked), Basic Vocabulary Builder - Spanish (cleanly cracked), Battalion Commander (cleanly cracked), Battle Cruiser (cleanly cracked), Battle For Normandy (cleanly cracked), Battle Group (cleanly cracked), Battle of Antietam (version 1.5) (cleanly cracked), Battling Bugs and Concentraction (cleanly cracked), BC's Quest For Tires (cleanly cracked), Behind the Wheel, Blue Level (cleanly cracked), Bellhop (cleanly cracked), Below the Root (cleanly cracked), Berserker Raids (cleanly cracked), Bible Baseball (cleanly cracked), Bible Discovery (cleanly cracked), Big Book Maker: Favorite Fairy Tales and Nursery Rhymes (cleanly cracked), Big Book Maker: Tall Tales and American Folk Heroes (cleanly cracked), Big Red Mania (cleanly cracked), Bike Hike (cleanly cracked), Bingo Bugglebee Presents Famous People (cleanly cracked), Bingo Bugglebee Presents Home Alone (cleanly cracked), Bingo Bugglebee Presents Outdoor Safety (cleanly cracked), Biology Achievement II: Reproduction and Development (cleanly cracked), Biomes (cleanly cracked), Birds (cleanly cracked), Blockers and Finders (cleanly cracked), Blue Powder Grey Smoke (cleanly cracked), Bolo (cleanly cracked), Bomb Alley (cleanly cracked), Borrowed Time (cleanly cracked), Boulder Dash (cleanly cracked), Boulderdash Construction Kit (cleanly cracked), Bouncing Kamungas (cleanly cracked), Box Introduces Addition (cleanly cracked), Bridge Baron II (cleanly cracked), Building Compounds (cleanly cracked), Building Reading Skills (version 85-02) (cleanly cracked), Building With Vowels (cleanly cracked), Bulletin Board Maker: City and Country (cleanly cracked), Bulletin Board Maker: Your Neighborhood (cleanly cracked), Bumble Plot (1982) (cleanly cracked), Bumble Plot (version 1.2) (cleanly cracked), C'est La Vie (cleanly cracked), Calendar Skills v08.31.86 (cleanly cracked), Cannonball Blitz (cleanly cracked), Capitalization (cleanly cracked), Capitalization (version 1.5) (cleanly cracked), Capitalization Practice (cleanly cracked), Capitalization Test (version 01.29.87) (cleanly cracked), Car Builder (cleanly cracked), Car Builder (revision 2) (cleanly cracked), Car Builder (revision 3) (cleanly cracked), Carrier Force (cleanly cracked), Cartels and Cutthroats (cleanly cracked), Case of the Great Train Robbery: Fact and Opinion (cleanly cracked), Case of the Missing Chick: Finding The Main Idea (cleanly cracked), Castle Wolfenstein (cleanly cracked), Cat 'n Mouse (revision 2) (cleanly cracked), Cat 'n Mouse (revision 3) (cleanly cracked), Catch a Falling Star: Dolphin Math Games (cleanly cracked), Categorizing: Detective Games (cleanly cracked), Catlab (version 2.0) (cleanly cracked), Cats and Kittens (cleanly cracked), Cause and Effect (version 12.14.87) (cleanly cracked), Cause and Effect: What Makes It Happen (cleanly cracked), Centauri Alliance (cleanly cracked), Challenge Sentence Combining (cleanly cracked), Championship Baseball (cleanly cracked), Championship Golf (cleanly cracked), Changing Improper Fractions to Mixed Numbers (cleanly cracked), Changing Mixed Numbers to Improper Fractions (cleanly cracked), Chariots, Cougars, and Kings (cleanly cracked), Chemistry Achievement I - Mathematics of Chemistry (cleanly cracked), Chivalry (cleanly cracked), Circus Subtraction (cleanly cracked), City and Country Opposites (cleanly cracked), Clock (v03.20.90) (cleanly cracked), Clock 07.06.83 (cleanly cracked), Clock: Time Teaching (cleanly cracked), Clowning Around (cleanly cracked), Cloze Thinking (cleanly cracked), Cloze-Plus Level C (cleanly cracked), Cloze-Plus Level D (cleanly cracked), Cloze-Plus Level E (cleanly cracked), Clozed Reading Comprehension (cleanly cracked), College Board 81-82 demo (cleanly cracked), College Explorer 2.0 (cleanly cracked), Colonial Conquest (cleanly cracked), Color Me (Softsmith) (cleanly cracked), Comic Strip Maker (cleanly cracked), Commas (Queue) (cleanly cracked), Communicate and Win (cleanly cracked), Comparing Numbers (cleanly cracked), Compilation - Bolo, Pest Patrol, Bug Battle (cleanly cracked), Compilation - Congo, Thief, Draw Poker (cleanly cracked), Composition Strategy (cleanly cracked), Comprehension (Prescription Learning) (cleanly cracked), Compu-Math Arithmetic Skills (cleanly cracked), Compu-Math v1.3.1 (cleanly cracked), Compu-Spell (version 1.3.1) (cleanly cracked), Computer Air Combat v1.1 (cleanly cracked), Computer Ambush (cleanly cracked), Computer Assisted Blackboard demo (cleanly cracked), Computer Assisted Problem Solving for Beginning Algebra (cleanly cracked), Computer Assisted Problem Solving for Intermediate Algebra (cleanly cracked), Computer Assisted Problem Solving for Pre-Algebra (cleanly cracked), Computer Baseball (cleanly cracked), Computer Discovery (cleanly cracked), Computer Drill and Instruction - Decimals C-2 (cleanly cracked), Computer Drill and Instruction - Decimals C-3 (cleanly cracked), Computer Drill and Instruction - Fractions C-2 (cleanly cracked), Computer Drill and Instruction - Fractions C-3 (cleanly cracked), Computer Drill and Instruction - Measurement D-1 (cleanly cracked), Computer Drill and Instruction - Multiplication B (cleanly cracked), Computer Graphing Experiments (cleanly cracked), Computer Quarterback Second Edition (cleanly cracked), Computerized Reading for Aphasics (cleanly cracked), A Treasure Hunt of Facts (cleanly cracked) [4am, Firehawke]
• apple2_flop_misc:
  • Anti-M (version 1.0), Anti-M (version 1.1), Anti-M (version 1.3) [4am, Firehawke]
  • Advanced Demuffin (version 1.5) [Firehawke]
• apple2_flop_orig: Apple-oids and Chipout, Arcade Album #1, Arkanoid, The Blade of Blackpoole, BurgerTime, Dig Dug, Escape From Rungistan, Fantavision, The Flockland Island Crisis, Kabul Spy, Lazer Silk, Maze Craze Construction Set, Peeping Tom, The Print Shop Color, Robots of Dawn, Rocky's Boots (version 4.0), Spider Raid, Star Blazer, Star Warrior, Super Bunny, Type Attack, Warp Destroyer, Wizardry III: Legacy of Llylgamyn (version 4, 20-Aug-1983 update), Zaxxon, Zork I: The Great Underground Empire (revision 5) [4am, Firehawke]
• arb: Grand Master Series 4.0 [anon]
• ekara_pal: e-kara Spain 10-Songs Volume 1, e-kara Spain 10-Songs Volume 2 [ClawGrip, TeamEurope]
• fmtowns_cd:
  • Enkaiou, Joker Towns, Joshikou Seifuku Monogatari, Yuka Watanabe & Tomo Kawai - Pleasure [redump.org, r09]
  • J. R. R. Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings, Vol. II - The Two Towers [Tokugawa Corporate Forums, DamienD]
• fmtowns_flop:
  • Viewpoint Demonstration No. 1 [David Swanson]
  • Dragon Slayer - The Legend of Heroes II, Towns Karaoke V1.1L10 [r09]
• ggm: Boris 2.5 / Sargon 2.5 [hap, bataais]
• ibm5170: Krusty's Fun House, Michael Jordan in Flight, Sid Meier's Colonization [ArcadeShadow]
• icanpian:
  • American Idol Take the Stage (K4655), Barbie Princess Enchanted Sounds (J7526), Dora the Explorer Musical Adventure (J7523), Holiday Wonderland (J7528), Pop Hits (K0653) [Sean Riddle, David Haywood]
  • The Wizard of Oz - We're Off to Play the Piano (K4654) [Sean Riddle, Peter Wilhelmsen]
• intellect02: Chess (4 levels) [hap, Berger]
• nes: SimCity (USA, Prototype) [archive.org, AJR]

Software list items promoted to working

• pcw: LocoScript Installation Program v3.00a (English), LocoScript Installation Program v3.06b (English), LocoScript v3.06 (UK), LocoScript v4.06 (UK), LocoScript v4.10 (UK), Tomahawk [Edström]

New NOT_WORKING software list additions

• 3do_m2: Oldsmobile (USA) [redump.org, FakeShemp]
• apple2_flop_misc: Anti-M (version 1.2) [4am, Firehawke]
• ibm5170: Gilis presentask (Swe) [FakeShemp]
• pce_tourvision: F1 Triple Battle (TourVision PCE bootleg) [ClawGrip]
• tvgogo: 4-in-1 (Flashcard Fishing, Break a Brick, Balloon Juggling, Penguin Maze), Tennis, Whac-A-Mole [ClawGrip, TeamEurope]
• vsmile_cart: Disney/Pixar Up (Spa, Rev. 022), Gimnasio Interactivo V.Smile (Spa) [TeamEurope, Diego Bartolomé, ClawGrip]

Translations added or modified

• Chinese (Simplified) [YuiFAN]
• Chinese (Traditional) [YuiFAN]
• Greek [BraiNKilleRGR]
• Portuguese (Brazil) [Wellington Uemura]

Source Changes

• statriv2.cpp: Fixed segmentation fault in debugger memory view for sets without question data. [AJR]
  
• amerihok: Added preliminary inputs, coin counters, and basic layout for 7-segment LED scoreboard. [AJR]
  
• Added ROM dumps and skeleton device for UltraStor Ultra 12F ISA ESDI controller. [AJR]
  
• OS X debugger: Update window titles when restoring configuration for disassembly and memory viewers. [AJR]
  
• tumbleb: Drive ADPCM sound through PIC (sound communications not hooked up yet). [AJR]
  
• ron2: Corrected game title based on flyer. [AJR]
  
• pencil2: Connected VDP interrupt. [AJR]
  
• z8: Added register pairs to debug state. [AJR]
  
• m37710: Replaced I/O space with callbacks. [AJR]
  
• nes: Improved MMC5 extended attributes, use MMC5 ExRAM byte from nametable area to select palette bank. [AJR]
  
• ppu2c0x: Fixed order of nametable/attribute reads. [AJR]
  
• wy75: Added default EAROM content to avoid hanging at start. [AJR]
  
• er1400: Added ability to load default data from region, and changed erase value to all zeroes. [AJR]
  
• upd765: Improved drive selection logic: [AJR]
  
  • Deselect drives upon reset, or select drive 0 for older controllers with multiplexed select lines.
  • Deselect other floppies when using set_floppy.
• specpls3: Mirror floppy drive select lines (fixes Batman: The Movie). [AJR]
  
• rd100: Added LCD controller and working display. [AJR]
  
• cmi2x: Split off keyboards as subdevices. [AJR]
  
• scc68070: Merged CPU device with on-chip peripheral emulation, and added internal clock divider. [AJR]
  
  • Also added crude hacks to force status bits in unemulated UART and I²C peripherals.
• hd63450: Improved accuracy of IRQ handling, and tidied up interface. [AJR]
  
• funworld.cpp: Added support for custom CPUs’ opcode decryption. [Andreas Naive]
  
• Removed unnecessary read/write handler arguments, improved member names, and updated comments in many devices and drivers. [cam900]
  
• ymf278b.cpp: Added DO1 and DO2 outputs, and fixed timebuffer when clock is changed. [cam900]
  
• cps3.cpp updates: [cam900]
  
  • Reduced some gaps in zoomed sprites, and restricted drawing to clipping rectangle.
  • Reduced duplication, improved member names, and cleaned up code.
• tc0480scp.cpp: Cleaned up and simplified read/write handlers. [cam900]
  
• devices/sound/gaelco.cpp: Converted data access to device_rom_interface, and made pitch a function of clock frequency. [cam900]
  
• gaelco2.cpp: Corrected some crystal values, and added notes. [cam900]
  
• tecmo_spr.cpp: Replaced gfx_element with gfxdecode_device, and reduced unnecessary code. [cam900]
  
  • Also changed some variables to more appropriate types.
• kaneko_tmap.cpp updates: [cam900]
  
  • Added address map for video RAM handling.
  • Moved expro02.cpp bank switching code into the driver.
  • Reduced code duplication.
• expro02.cpp: Reduced runtime tag map lookups. [cam900]
  
• kaneko16.cpp: Converted berwall to mono sound, reduced runtime tag map lookups, and simplified and cleaned up code. [cam900]
  
• actfancr.cpp: Simplified graphics decoding and cleaned up code. [cam900]
  
• deco16ic.cpp: Move cninja transparency mask function into the driver. [cam900]
  
• crospang.cpp: Moved alternate graphics layout into graphics decoding, and made most state class members private. [cam900]
  
• oneshot.cpp: Simplified graphics decoding, reduced runtime tag map lookups, and cleaned up code. [cam900]
  
• emupal.cpp: Removed MCFG_ macros. [cam900]
  
• vrc6.cpp: Implemented master frequency register, fixed duty cycles, and cleaned up code. [cam900]
  
• devices/bus/nes/konami.cpp: Fixed vrc6 sound volume. [cam900]
  
• Added Namco 163 sound emulation, used by some Famicom cartridges. [cam900]
  
• c6280.cpp: Fixed LFO frequency behavior, fixed LFO enable bit, and implemented LFO reset bit. [cam900]
  
• devices/bus/nes/mmc5.cpp: Corrected sound behavior and fixed sound volume. [cam900]
  
• itech32.cpp: Reduced runtime tag map lookups, and simplified and cleaned up code. [cam900]
  
• skimaxx.cpp: Reduced runtime tag map lookups, added save state support, and simplified and cleaned up code. [cam900]
  
• k054321.cpp: Added synchronizing handlers for communication between main and sound CPUs (used by prmrsocr in tmnt.cpp). [cam900]
  
• devices/machine/watchdog.cpp: Simplified handlers, and reduced watchdog handler trampolines. [cam900]
  
• simpl156.cpp: Simplified graphics decoding, reduced code duplication, and corrected sound clocks. [cam900]
  
• snk68.cpp: Moved pow and searchar to a derived state class, reduced runtime tag map lookups, and cleaned up code. [cam900]
  
• snk68_spr.cpp: Changed flip screen state member to bool. [cam900]
  
• psikyosh.cpp updates: [cam900]
  
  • Restricted tilemap drawing to clipping rectangle, and fixed tilemap size when per-line effects are enabled.
  • Added separate address map for games with mahjong controller input.
  • Reduced runtime tag map lookups, and cleaned up code.
• m72.cpp: Fixed audio sample rate for M72 PCBs, fixed DAC volume, and added notes. [cam900]
  
• decbac06.cpp: Removed hard-coded parameters that come from graphics elements, and restricted drawing to clipping rectangle. [cam900]
  
• raiden2.cpp updates: [cam900]
  
  • Fixed xsedae configuration (runs on modified Zero Team hardware).
  • Moved video functions to video/raiden2.cpp.
  • Reduced runtime tag map lookups, made state class members protected or private where appropriate, and cleaned up code.
• r2dx_v33.cpp: Reduced runtime tag map lookups, and reduced redundancy with raiden2.cpp. [cam900]
  
• vgmplay.cpp: Added volume modifier support, and scaled volume according to the number of sound chips used by file. [cam900]
  
• leland.cpp: Reduced runtime tag map lookups, and simplified and cleaned up code. [cam900]
  
• audio/leland.cpp: Removed hard-coded tags for ROM region and host CPU. [cam900]
  
• psikyo4.cpp: Fixed FM output when used. [cam900]
  
• n2a03.cpp: Added device_mixer_interface rather than routing audio to hard-coded speakers. [cam900]
  
• tc0100scn.cpp updates: [cam900]
  
  • Internalized text graphics.
  • Restricted drawing to clipping rectangle.
  • Moved taito_f2.cpp banking code into driver.
  • Allowed masked priority behavior.
  • Reduced redundancy and cleaned up code.
• tc0480scp.cpp: Internalized text graphics, reduced code duplication, and removed unnecessary pointers and functions. [cam900]
  
• emupal.cpp: Added xBGRBBBBGGGGRRRR format. [cam900]
  
• deniam.cpp: Fixed screen freezing behaviour, reduced runtime tag map lookups, cleaned up code, and added notes. [cam900]
  
• audio/m72.cpp: Remove hard-coded tags, converted sample ROM access to device_rom_interface, and cleaned up code. [cam900]
  
• aica.cpp, aicadsp.cpp: Converted PCM/DSP memory access to device_rom_interface, added save state support, and cleaned up code. [cam900]
  
• hotblock.cpp: Converted video banking to address_bank_map_device, and removed MCFG_ macros. [cam900]
  
• z80pio.cpp: Reduced code duplication. [cam900]
  
• ginganin.cpp: Simplified graphics layouts, reduced runtime tag lookups, and cleaned up code. [cam900]
  
• snes_snd.cpp: Added input clock, implemented device_clock_changed, cleaned up code, and added notes. [cam900]
  
• ms32.cpp: Add notes. [cam900]
  
• k053260.cpp: Cleaned up code. [cam900]
  
• deco146.cpp: Suppressed side effects for debugger, reduced redundancy, and cleaned up code. [cam900]
  
• pgm.cpp: Implemented some inputs, and improved naming. [cam900]
  
• pgmprot_igs027a_type1.cpp: Added inputs for CAVE PCB. [cam900]
  
• qs1000.cpp: Moved imperfect sound flag from drivers to device. [cam900]
  
• Netlist library updates: [Couriersud]
  
  • Added a MOSFET model, inclusion Meyer capacitance.
  • Added a charge-conserving capacitor model, as an alternative to the constant-capacity model.
  • Started putting constants in a central place.
  • Fixed a rounding issue in the ptime code.
  • Added a global parameter to disable semiconductor capacitance modelling.
  • Added an operational amplifier model that ignores output voltage limits.
  • Changed MB3614 operational amplifier parameters to match the data sheet.
  • Added VARCLOCK, allowing step size to be calculated using a function.
  • Added trunc to pfunction.
  • Added opamp_amplification_curve example, which calculates op-amp gain as a function of frequency.
  • Improved LM3900 voltage clamping model, and aligned pin names with other operational amplifiers.
  • Added a high-precision LM3900 model, and an improved high-performance LM3900 model.
  • Added more SPICE elements to the conversion code.
  • Fixed current source handling when converting SPICE nets.
  • Added validation for netlist devices.
  • Improved scalability of error messages.
• m62.cpp: Fixed kidniki netlist, based on corrections in kungfum schematics and an apparent omission. [Couriersud]
  
• zaccaria.cpp sound improvements: [Couriersud]
  
  • Routed speech and DAC through netlist filtering, and fixed AY8910 interfacing.
  • Hooked up potentiometers so they can be adjusted.
  • Added frontiers to netlist to improve performance.
• mario: Fixed an error in schematics that became obvious with the improved LM3900 model. [Couriersud, Tafoid]
  
• spg110 updates: [David Haywood]
  
  • Split more functionality into separate devices.
  • Improved rendering and sprites, and implemented manual video RAM uploads.
  • Added basic audio.
• wc90b.cpp: Tidied up a little. [David Haywood]
  
• pengo.cpp: Added preliminary partial decryption for schick. [David Haywood]
  
• Moved SunPlus GC394 systems out of vii.cpp (it’s a newer sytem-on-a-chip with more capabilities). [David Haywood]
  
• 32x.xml: Fixed pinochio ROM loading. [David Haywood]
  
• mgames.cpp: Cleaned up palette and graphics decoding layout, and converted drawing to use tilemap system. [Dirk Best]
  
• ltcasino.cpp updates: [Dirk Best]
  
  • Hooked up the two 6821 PIAs, hooked up CRT5037, corrected RAM size, and defined clocks in terms of 18 MHz crystal.
  • Cleaned up inputs, added DIP switch descriptions and locations, and documented service mode.
  • Added output ports, and hooked up coin counter and lamps.
  • Added simple internal artwork with clickable buttons and color overlays based on a flyer.
  • Added non-volatile RAM, and updated ROM labels and notes.
• tms9927.cpp: Allow visible area to be hard-coded at configuration time. [Dirk Best]
  
• akkaarrh.cpp: Added coin counters, lamp outputs, and a test view showing the lamps. [Dirk Best]
  
• Amstrad PCW driver updates: [Edström]
  
  • Corrected floppy drive types for each machine.
  • Derived clock from crystal value, and slowed down the CPU to approximate the effect of video hardware accessing RAM.
  • Improved logging and converted to use logmacro.h utilities.
  • Fixed printer and monitor palettes, and made a simpler layout the default.
• dsk_dsk.cpp, hxchfe_dsk.cpp: Report a non-fatal warning for images with a small number of excess tracks. [Edström]
  
• pcw.xml: Corrected metadata and added notes on dumps with excess tracks. [Edström]
  
• sms, nes: Obtain pixel intensity for light gun from screen device rather than accessing VDP/PPU bitmap. [Enik Land]
  
• sms.cpp: Set initial stack pointer for Game Gear, required by Ecco (fixes MT07255). [Enik Land]
  
• m68kmmu: Fixed ATC entry calculation error that was crashing Domain/OS. [Hans Ostermeyer]
  
• apollo: Removed deprecated debug reference. [Hans Ostermeyer]
  
• z80ctc.cpp: Guard against integer overflow when calculating remaining time with configured input clock frequencies. [Justin Kerk]
  
• Fixed support for multiple light guns with X11 XInput. [Kiall Mac Innes]
  
• Fixed YM2608/YM2610 ADPCM-A overflow behavior (should wrap rather than saturating). [Lord Nightmare, madbr]
  
• ymz774: Replaced volume table with calculation loop. [MetalliC]
  
• tms99xx updates: [Michael Zapf]
  
  • Fixed LDCSTCR handling of register indirect auto-increment mode (*Rx+) and modernized logging.
  • Fixed minimum/maximum clock cycles per instruction.
  • Changed set address method signature to work better with memory maps.
• ti99 updates: [Michael Zapf]
  
  • Fixed TI FDC in Geneve losing SIDSEL signal when no drive is selected, and removed redundant variables.
  • Fixed 99/4p regression where wrong CRU addresses are used when accessing peribox/evpc.
• coco: Fixed loading Orchestra-90, RS-232 Program Pak, and Modem Pak from software list (fixes MT05291). [Nigel Barnes]
  
• m68000: Made CPU space an address space and made vectored interrupts use it. [O. Galibert]
  
  • Also made it possible to disable the interrupt priority encoder behaviour in the CPU core.
• emumem: Removed obsolete alignement limit. [O. Galibert]
  
• emumem_mud: Corrected start/end for big endian spaces. [O. Galibert]
  
• pic8259.cpp: Suppress side effects of debugger reads. [O. Galibert]
  
• Added skeleton Yamaha DSPV and SWP20 devices. [O. Galibert]
  
• ymmu100.cpp: Extracted LCD as a separate device. [O. Galibert]
  
• Annotated all uses of set_input_line_vector with CPU type. [O. Galibert]
  
• pcat101: Connected key matrix and ports. [Patrick Mackinlay]
  
• 3c505: Added low-level emulation. [Patrick Mackinlay, Neko May]
  
• m68705: Added more HMOS variants. [Patrick Mackinlay]
  
• nscsi_cd: Added support for mode page 0x01, allowing Apple II SCSI Card to access CD-ROMs. [R. Belmont]
  
• apple2: Attach a SCSI CD-ROM to the Apple II SCSI Card by default. [R. Belmont]
  
• apple2: Documented FocusDrive/ZIPDrive partition information format, and fixed it so it works. [R. Belmont]
  
• mac: Demoted all Macs to NOT_WORKING until we get a working VIA6522 emulator. [R. Belmont]
  
• k2000: Hooked up RAM/ROM switch – now starts to boot. [R. Belmont]
  
• aim65: Modernised code, fixed cassette, added TTY, and added printer display. [Robbbert]
  
• funworld.cpp updates: [Roberto Fresca, Grull Osgo]
  
  • Improved game descriptions, and expanded notes.
  • Improved memory maps, added default non-volatile RAM contents for some games, fixed ROM loading, and re-worked inputs.
  • Improved tilemaps, fixed graphics planes, and improved palettes.
  • Added I²C serial EEPROM and removed PIAs for Saloon/Nevada.
  • Added PLD dumps for pool10e and marked jokercrd graphics ROM IC10 as a bad dump.
  • Split and mirrored attribute/color RAM, fixed AY8910 hook-up, fixed video RAM offset, and fixed AY8910 hook-up for intrgmes.
  • Changed CPU to 65SC02, added periodic interrupts, and patched out some hardware checks for intrgmes.
  • Changed CPU to R65C02, added PIA mirroring, and added a ROM patch to force NOP after BRK for royalcrdf.
• Further funworld.cpp updates: [Roberto Fresca]
  
  • Fixed palette banking, graphics ROM loading, memory map and video RAM offsets for royalcrdf.
  • Added default non-volatile RAM contents for rcdino4 and jolycdig.
  • Marked royalcrdc graphics ROM IC26 as a bad dump.
  • Added button lamps for jolycdig and jolycdab.
  • Changed “Austrian” to “German” in all game descriptions, and expanded notes.
  • Replaced royalcrdc bad graphics ROM dump with corresponding dump from parent set, and removed imperfect graphics flag.
• funworld.cpp: Used a custom device to re-dump faulty graphics ROM for jokercrd, allowing game to be promoted to fully working. [Roberto Fresca, Grull Osgo, Gaby]
  
• unsp: Fixed signed multiplication in recompiler (fixes controls in jak_pooh). [Ryan Holtz]
  
• sgi_mc: Fixed pixel VDMA interrupts (fixes pixel DMA warnings in IRIX 5.3). [Ryan Holtz]
  
• newport: Added support for dithering and 4 bits per pixel RGB frame buffer display, and fixed shaded rendering mode. [Ryan Holtz]
  
• Added ability to throttle IDE hard disk DMA transfer speed (fixes MT07242). [Ted Green]
  
• midzeus.cpp: Fixed interrupt regression that was causing low frame rates in thegrid. [Ted Green]
  
• zx8301.cpp: Improved flash behavior so colors match a real QL. [vilcans]
  
• crystal.cpp: Dumped alternate Crystal System BIOS. [ack]
  
• galaxian.cpp: Corrected ROM names for moonwara, and corrected the color BPROM. [Andrew Welburn, The Dumping Union]
  
• oneshot.cpp: Add PCB layout for Mad Donna, and various notes for One Shot One Kill. [Brian Troha]
  
• toaplan1.cpp: Corrected coinage DIP switch settings for Jiao! Jiao! Jiao! (China, 2P set). [Brian Troha]
  
• tumbleb.cpp: Dumped PIC microcontroller for funkyjetb. [Caps0ff, ClawGrip, The Dumping Union]
  
• seibucpbl.cpp: Updated ROM locations for cupsocsb2, and used measured clocks for Seibu Cup Soccer bootleg sets. [f205v]
  
• gba.xml: Added additional cartridge information from No-Intro. [FakeShemp]
  
• aha1542b: Added 3.1b BIOS. [Funet Archive]
  
• namcos2.cpp: Updated PCB locations for data ROMs. [Guru]
  
• m72.cpp: Re-dumped I80C31 external ROM for imgfightb. [hammy]
  
• aristmk5.cpp: Updated internal layouts based on a few photos of the button labels. [Heihachi_73]
  
• isa_hercules: Added dump of Mazovia Polish alternate character set. [MCbx Old Computer Collection]
  
• Added skeleton device for UltraStor Ultra-14F SCSI controller. [Metropoli BBS Archive]
  
• Added skeleton device for UltraStor Ultra-24F EISA SCSI controller. [Metropoli BBS Archive]
  
• Added skeleton devices for Tekram EISA SCSI controllers. [Metropoli BBS Archive, I-Shou University File Server]
  
• galaxold.cpp: Dumped PROM for and confirmed chip types for scramb3. [Porchy, The Dumping Union]
  
• europc.cpp: Added BIOS v1.02 to euroxt. [rfka01]
  
• genpc.cpp: Added several additional BIOS options. [rfka01]
  
• compc.cpp: Added BIOS v2.01 to compc10. [rfka01]
  
• Added notes about SunPlus dies and which systems use them. [Sean Riddle]
  
• icanpian.xml: Added additional information about cartridges and release codes. [Sean Riddle, ClawGrip]
  
• sms.xml: Corrected ROM label for worldgp. [TeamEurope, ICEknight, ClawGrip]